Original subtitles

Jeannie? Jeannie, you ready?

Hey, we're gonna be late for the ballgame.

Okay, let's--

Is that how you dress to go to a ballgame?

Oh, no, master. This is how I dress to be married.

Well...who are you gonna marry, Sandy Koufax?

No, you, master.

Oh, now, Jeannie. We've been through all this before.

I can't marry you.

But you said you care for me.

I do. I do.

I think you're the most wonderful woman I've ever met.

You're adorable. Well, then.

There's no problem.

We are gathered here today to join this man and this woman--

Now hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

We're gathered here today to go to a baseball game.

Jeannie, would you get rid of him.

I don't have a ticket for him.

If you care for me so much,

why is it so difficult to say "I do"?

Well, it's not difficult. It's impossible.

Well, Roger wishes to marry me.

All right, fine. Then marry Roger.

Now wait a minute-- Wait, Jeannie.

Jeannie, I'm sorry. I di-- I didn't mean that.

Jeannie, I was only joking.

[♪♪♪]

WOMAN 1 [ON TV]: There's only one man I love. John.

WOMAN 2 [ON TV]: But you've told me that John doesn't want to marry you.

WOMAN 1: That's why I've come to you. I need your advice, Mother.

WOMAN 2: On the other hand, there is a man you do love,

but who doesn't want to marry you.

WOMAN 1: What am I going to do, Mother, dear?

Oh, yes. What are we going to do?

WOMAN 2: Susan, you did the right thing to come to your mother.

There's only one way to get him to propose to you.

ANNOUNCER: Tune in at the same time tomorrow,

and learn what Susan's mother advises her to do.

[SHUTS TV OFF]

Mother. Of course.

This is a time when a girl needs her mother.

Mama!

Oh, little dove!

My darling, darling child.

It's so good to see you again.

Two thousand years, and not one letter.

Oh, I-- I have been busy.

Children.

Mama...I'm in love with my master,

and I wish to marry him.

Can he support thee? What does he do for a living?

He is an astronaut.

An astronaut? Mm-hm.

What is that?

Well, they strap him in this giant bird

they call a missile,

and he goes up into the sky, and around and around

the Earth for days without stopping.

A-and sometimes he walks in space.

Thou could not marry a doctor?

Why, I am not in love with a doctor, Mama.

Oh, I need your advice...

My master does not want to marry me.

But his friend Roger does.

Then marry his friend Roger.

You are not getting any younger.

Well, I... I like Roger, but...

You brought me back for advice,

I will give it to thee.

Tell this Roger you are going to marry him.

Oh, but that would be dishonest.

Show me a woman who is honest,

and I will show you an old maid.

Do not worry, dear one.

Thou wilt not marry Roger.

Your astronaut will come to his senses

and marry you himself.

Do you really think this will come to pass?

That is how I got your father.

[SIGHS]

Good evening, master.

Oh, hi, Jeannie.

Oh, thanks.

You worked late tonight, master.

Did you have a hard day?

A bone-crusher.

Aw... Poor master.

Here. Come over here and be comfortable.

Lie down.

Put your feet up. Uh-huh.

And, uh, here is your newspaper.

And...here's the rest of your martini.

Wow. Thanks, Jeannie.

I've made a special dish for your dinner.

And you will never guess

what I have waiting for you in the kitchen.

Your mother.

Well, yes.

Your mother! You can't be serious!

Yes--

What are you talking--? No--

I can't even explain you,

much less your mother.

She will only be here for a few days.

I don't care if she's here for a few hours.

You send her back!

Well, she eats very little,

and I will take good care of her.

You-- You can't even take care of yourself.

[SHEEP BLEATS]

Ahh! Ahh!

Oh. [BLEATS]

Oh, master, I am so sorry.

I, uh-- I know you must find this a little strange.

Strange? No. No.

It-- It's not strange at all,

falling over a sheep in your own living room.

No, I don't think it's strange. Come on.

[GASPS]

Take your hands off that sheep, infidel.

It is for the wedding feast.

The wedding fe--? No-- The wedding feast?

Did you tell her we're getting married?

Certainly not, master. That would be a lie.

That's right.

Because I'm not marrying you.

That's right.

I'm going to marry Roger.

She's gonna marry Roger.

You're-- You're not serious.

Well, I--

Of course she is serious.

Of course I am serious.

Yeah, but you can't marry Roger.

And why not? He loves her.

Well, yes. Why not?

He loves me.

Because-- Because I'd miss you, that's why.

Oh. Oh, and I would miss thee too.

Then you're not gonna marry Roger?

The sheep is already here.

Perhaps you can think of another solution.

How about lamb chops for dinner?

I will marry him.

I-I wouldn't put that wedding dress back on just yet

if I were you.

Roger's pretty unpredictable.

As a matter of fact, around the base

he's known as "Old Fickle."

Fickle!

[GIGGLES]

Oh, Mama, I think it is working.

He is jealous. [DOOR CLOSES]

What shall I do next?

That does not worry me, little pigeon.

What worries me is what he will do next.

Oh.

Hi, Roge. What's the good word?

The good word is yes.

I ran into Jeannie, popped the question,

and she said she would marry me. Me!

Did she really? Well, congratulations.

From now on, it's marriage-a-go-go.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Couldn't-- Couldn't happen to a finer guy.

We're meeting for lunch.

We're going over our plans.

Yeah. I'll bet her parents were delirious

when they found out Jeannie got a catch like you.

Well, I, uh-- I haven't met her parents yet.

Oh, they're out of town, huh?

Well, I-- I don't know. I-I suppose so. It's...

Well, where are they when you pick Jeannie up at her house?

Well, I-I've never been to Jeannie's house before. It's...

Well, where do you meet?

In front of the public library.

Well, she must have a house.

Or your gonna be married at the return book counter.

[LAUGHS]

You know, until you mentioned it,

I never really gave her parents or her home a thought.

Well, parents...homes... What's the difference?

The important thing is, you love her.

That's right. That's the imp--

Right. And you'll have plenty of opportunity

to get to know her parents once you're married,

and they move in with you.

M-move in?

Oh, you know, when they come to visit. Oh.

Oh, boy, all you have to do

is take a look at that girl

and know that her parents have to be

fine, intelligent people.

No. She wasn't brought up by-- By convicts

or counterfeiters, you know.

I think fine, intelligent people would like to meet

the man their daughter's gonna marry.

Yeah.

Well-- Th-- There's all kinds of good reasons

why they haven't met you yet.

Uh. Well, for instance, uh...

Uh...

No.

Or, uh, they might have, uh, been, uh...

[SIGHS]

Well, no-- I'll tell you what.

It's possible. It's just--

[SIGHS]

The important thing is

you're marrying a wonderful girl.

That's the important thing.

Yes. I'll see you later, Roge.

Maybe we'll get a chance to

crack a bottle of champagne tonight, huh?

[MUTTERING TO HIMSELF]

Well, there are many, uh, good reasons

why I haven't met her parents.

You know, they could've been out of--

Probably-- Well, they are probably, uh...

It's very easy to, uh...

Convicts and counterfeiters?

I do not understand it.

All during lunch Roger kept insisting.

How can I invite him to my house

when I do not have one?

And worse yet, you do not have parents either.

Oh. I have you, Mama.

And I could send for Papa.

I would be proud to have Roger meet you.

No, no, little one.

We are peasants from the old country.

One look at us, and there goeth the ballgame.

[LAUGHS]

Where did you learn that expression?

From watching that box you call television.

[CHUCKLES]

[GASPS]

I know what you need.

The American mama you see on television.

The one who keeps comparing hands with her daughter.

You think so, Mama?

I'm certain of it.

And for the father, get yourself that nice fellow who--

Who seems to have so much trouble with his sinuses.

Mama. I'm so glad I sent for you.

And I know just where I'm going

to get the house too.

[GIGGLES]

Oh...

Oh, there is my master.

Well, Mama, how's every little thing?

You dare to show your face here?

Look who's talking. It's my house.

And I suppose it was not you who persuaded Roger to insist

upon meeting my daughter's parents and seeing her home.

Well, I, uh--

I suppose I did drop a hint or two.

Is-- Is Jeannie terribly disappointed

about her marriage being called off?

Wait and see.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yes?

Oh, hello, sir.

I can only stay a moment.

I just want to say hello to my new neighbor.

Uh-- Oh, you bought a house around here?

Oh, not a house.

The vacant lot across the street from you.

Uh, Mrs. Bellows and I are gonna start

building very shortly.

Well, you can always borrow a cup of sugar here.

May the vultures descend

and pick your bones.

Uh...

[STAMMERS]

...my housekeeper.

We had a little argument this morning about her salary.

She, uh, wanted a raise.

And I wouldn't give it to her, you know.

"May the vultures descend and pick your bones."

Well...she's a poor loser.

[SHEEP BLEATS]

[BLEATS]

And I was worried about moving in with a hamster.

[SIGHS]

Oh! Hi, Jeannie.

How-- How was your lunch with Roger?

He's very anxious to meet my parents.

Oh, well, that's-- That's too bad.

So he's going to meet Mama.

Hm.

And Papa too.

Ah.

Your pa-- Your papa's here too?

Oh, not yet.

Captain Healey is going to meet them at my house.

[STAMMERS]

This is your house.

I mean, this is your house.

Oh, not today, master.

I have my own home.

Huh? Uh...

[PHONE RINGS]

Yes?

Oh, hi, Roge.

What do you mean, you're gonna meet her parents at her home?

Oh, no. No. No, no.

I'm not upset.

I'm not upset at all. Heh.

Hey, l-listen. Where did you say, uh, she lives?

Across the street from my house?

Well... Well, that's impossible.

Well, there's a vacant lot across the street.

Listen, Roger. When I say there's a vacant lot

across the street, I mean there's a house on it.

Jeannie.

Jeannie. Jeannie, where are you?

Jeannie? Oh...

Jeannie! Now, you--

You take that house right out of here.

I'm not taking--

You're not gonna get away with this!

Jeannie!

Jeannie. Jeannie, open up.

Jeannie, come on.

Take this house down this minute. Now--

Are you expected?

Oh, boy.

Jeannie! Jeannie!

If you will leave your card,

I will tell my daughter you called.

Jeannie, where are you?

Ah, good afternoon, Mr. Nelson.

Teresa, will you please pour

Mr. Nelson a cup of tea.

Teresa?

Jeannie, I want you to stop this nonsense,

and I mean-- I mean it.

I want you to come home right now.

I cannot ask you to stay very long, Mr. Nelson.

My fiancé is coming to meet Mummy and Daddy.

Mummy and Da-- Daddy?

You mean, you whipped up some phony parents too?

Uh-huh. The kind you see on television.

It was Mama's suggestion.

What do you think you're doing?

You won't get away with this!

Oh, thanks. I don't want any tea.

I don't want any tea.

You must calm yourself, master. You are very upset.

You're darn right I'm upset.

And I have every reason in the world to be upset. Uh...

Well, it's quite a large lot, general.

Just across the street from Captain Nelson's house.

Oh, really? Mm.

[LAUGHING]

It--

It's Dr. Bellows, and it's General Hadley.

They're coming down the street. They're coming right here.

Oh, well, I will be delighted to meet them.

Oh no, you-- No, you don't understand.

You see--

[LAUGHS] [LAUGHS]

Dr. Bellows, he just bought this lot.

And he knows. He just--

He knows there's no house on it.

[BOTH LAUGH]

And he's gonna want me to explain.

And there is no explanation.

Jeannie, do you want me to plead insanity?

Please, master. Relax.

I would never do anything to hurt you.

Good afternoon, Captain Nelson.

Good afternoon, General Hadley.

Captain, do you always drink tea

in the middle of a vacant lot?

Well, sir, it was such a lovely afternoon,

I thought I'd have my tea out here...

among the wildflowers.

Do you do this often, Captain Nelson?

When I want to commune with nature, sir...

like Thoreau.

Thoreau.

Yes, yes. He used to do it all the time.

Ah.

Well, I'd better go home

and tend my sheep.

Sheep.

I'd keep an eye on that man, doctor.

Oh, I do, sir, all the time.

He's done a number of strange things,

but I've never caught him weed-sitting before.

Oh. Good evening, doctor.

Uh, general.

You're working late, Captain Healey?

Uh, yes, I had a few, uh,

data reports to finish up.

I've got a big night planned.

I may be a little late coming in tomorrow morning.

Well, just see that Captain Nelson is in before dawn.

He's been under quite a strain lately.

Well, I'm not seeing Captain Nelson.

I'm going to my fiancée's for dinner.

But I might see him.

He lives right across the street.

Across the street?

There--

There's no house there. That's my vacant lot.

That can't be a vacant lot.

Well, it is when people aren't drinking tea on it.

The number is 1140 Oak Road.

Well, general...

Good-- Doctor.

Have a nice evening.

1140.

That's the address of my property.

He's having dinner in a vacant lot.

Better keep an eye on him too.

One weed-sitter in a space program is enough.

There we are.

Now, after Roger has met your parents... Yes.

...and you have had dinner,

then sit in the chair by the window with him.

W-why the chair by the window, Mama?

Because across the street your master will be watching,

and be sick with jealousy.

Oh! Ha-ha!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh. There's Roger.

Good. Bring out your parents.

What do you think, Mama?

There is something missing.

But they look just like

the people on television commercials.

She should have blond hair.

Mm-hm.

That's better.

He should look more like he has money.

What do you think?

I think you are ready for Roger.

Oh. Yes.

Hi, Jeannie.

Good evening, Roger.

I would like you to meet my parents.

Mummy and Daddy, this is Roger.

Hello. I've been looking forward to, uh,

meeting you two for quite some time.

When my daughter told me she was engaged, I said,

"Darling, blonds do have more fun."

My wife used to be a ratty brunette.

WOMAN: Is your hair streaked with dingy, unattractive gray?

Mine was.

But then I learned about...Streakaway.

MAN: Now I can't resist asking her to dance.

Would you?

Love to.

Do you like my mummy and daddy?

Yeah, they're a...

very, very romantic couple.

I was just telling your daughter how much in love

you two seem to be.

Why wouldn't I be?

Her hands are as soft now as they were

when we were first married.

WOMAN: I never use any harsh detergents.

My daughter and I have used the same soap to wash dishes

for years, and my hands are as soft as hers.

Would you care to make the comparison test?

They're lovely. Both hands.

Have you noticed,

they both have lovely smiles too?

WOMAN: I'm not afraid to smile anymore

since I started using Grippo.

Now, I don't have to be afraid my dentures will fall out.

Let us all sit down and get acquainted.

[CHUCKLES]

Why don't you sit here, beside Jeannie?

Won't that, uh, be a little,

ahem, crowded?

We're not afraid of being in crowds.

We're protected for 32 hours.

I use the roll-on.

I use the spray.

I could use a martini.

Here you are.

Hm.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[KNOCKS]

Dr. Bellows. Great Scott.

Captain Nelson, it's you.

If it wasn't you, that would mean...

that I was on the wrong street.

I beg your pardon, sir.

Now, captain, since both of us

are basically scientists,

we know that it's entirely possible,

with modern methods of prefabrication,

to build a house within twenty minutes.

You believe that, don't you, captain?

No, sir. I don't either.

If you look across the street,

you'll see a house on my vacant lot.

What house is that, sir?

Don't humor me, captain.

When I tell you there's a house across the street,

I mean there's a--

A vacant lot.

With Captain Healey sitting in the middle of it.

Captain Healey, sir?

Hm?

I think I'll go home and lie down.

That might be best, sir.

And everything you've said tonight will, of course,

remain strictly between us.

[SIGHS]

Thank you, Jeannie.

I knew you wouldn't let me down.

You are pleased with me, master.

I certainly am pleased with you.

Well, then may I invite a friend over?

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, you can invite over anybody you want to.

We are gathered here today to join this man

and this woman in holy matrimony.

Oh, good morning, Roge. How are you feeling?

Terrible.

Oh, boy. Terrible.

What a-- What a night. Phew.

Yeah? Well, what happened?

Did you meet Jeannie's mother and father?

Yeah, I met them all right.

It was like tuning into a commercial, you know.

Now, don't get me wrong. They were great, you know.

Real backbone of America.

What's so terrible about that?

Me.

Boy, I must have been on liquid oxygen.

You know, I got so smashed, I blacked out,

wandered outside of the house and wound up in a vacant lot.

No. Yeah.

Boy, she must really be sore at me.

I went back there to apologize to her today, and she moved.

I mean she moved. The whole house was gone.

Now I have to start looking for her all over again.

Well...good luck, Roge.

Good luck. Yeah.

[SIGHS]

Look, uh, Tony, if you, uh, run across her, uh,

maybe you could let me know.

Uh, if you, uh...

Sure, Roge.

Sure.

It's a--

[♪♪♪]