Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Once upon a time,

in a mythical place called Cape Kennedy,

an astronaut named Tony Nelson went up on a space mission.

The missile went up,

but something went wrong, and they had to bring it down.

Captain Nelson landed on an island in the South Pacific

where he found a bottle.

At least, it looked like a bottle.

But it didn't act like a bottle.

[♪♪♪]

Because in it was a genie.

Oh, not your average everyday genie,

but a beautiful genie...

...who could grant any wish.

[♪♪♪]

Captain Nelson was so grateful, he set Jeannie free,

only she didn't want to be free.

You know how it is

when you've been cooped up in a bottle for 2000 years.

She wanted to have fun.

And she wanted to have it with Captain Nelson.

So she followed him back to Cocoa Beach,

a mythical town

in a mythical state called Florida.

And there in this house,

the girl in the bottle plays spin the astronaut.

[♪♪♪]

Where is that razor?

A razor just doesn't simply get up and walk away by itself.

Can't go to a briefing without a shave.

Well, now, who put that in there?

Jeannie.

Jeannie?

Jeannie, you come out of there right now.

[GIGGLES]

Good morning, master darling.

How may I serve you?

Well, first of all, you can stop calling me "master darling,"

and secondly, you can stop being such a neatener.

What means this word "neatener"?

Well, it's like when you...

throw out my newspaper before I've read it.

And, uh-- And you put her in the drawer.

Ah.

And now, my razor is missing.

Oh, that.

I got rid of it.

Why?

In the land from which I came,

it is the fashion for all masters to wear beards.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, Jeannie, in this country,

the only people who wear beards are folksingers and beatniks.

Oh, but my handsome master would look like a king

with a warrior's beard.

[LAUGHS]

Behold!

Beautiful.

Now you look a proper master.

Uh, Jeannie, if I walk around Cape Kennedy like this,

they'll blast me off without a capsule.

No! That must be Dr. Bellows.

Now, uh, get me out of this, quick.

Well... Well, thanks.

Oh, thanks for the shave.

Not very funny.

Oh.

No, it's not very funny.

But then how many doorbells are?

Good morning, Dr. Bellows.

Glad I'm, uh... I'm ready, sir.

Shall we go?

We don't want to be late for the briefing.

No, we don't, do we?

[GROANS]

Have a nice day.

[♪♪♪]

[KICKS DOOR]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Lights, please.

That's it, gentlemen.

We've looked at so many films of the moon's surface,

when we finally land there, it'll seem like homecoming.

Well, that's why this survival mission

you're embarking on tomorrow

is of such vital importance.

When you get back, we'll have a much better idea

of a man's ability to survive a week

under really rugged conditions.

Um...

Furnace Canyon, Nevada...

120 degrees during the day, and 10 below zero at night.

Miles and miles of nothing but miles and miles of nothing.

Furnace Canyon is hazardous and miserable.

And too easy for our purposes.

Therefore, tomorrow morning at 0600 hours,

you will be deposited on the floor

of Skull Flats, Utah.

Skull Flats.

You know, general, I'm not complaining,

but for once I'd like to go on one of these

survival missions to a place called like, uh...

Oh, Happy Valley or Merry Meadows, hm?

Yes.

Bellows.

BELLOWS: Theoretically,

men of your age and superlative physical condition

should be able to cover the 75 miles

from the drop zone to our evacuation strip

if nothing goes wrong.

You figure something will?

Lots of things.

Well, that's the survival game for you.

We're setting you down with one quart of water per man. Period.

You mean... You mean no food?

Only what you are able to catch, kill

or scrape off the underside of rocks.

[♪♪♪]

Well, the chocolate rocks are mine.

But it-- It is utterly ridiculous.

You cannot go out into the desert without me.

Oh, yes, I can.

This is a do-it-yourself survival mission.

And I am leaving you right here.

And just to make certain you don't interfere

[GASPS] back in the bottle you go.

Oh, please, master.

Over 2000 years I've spent in that accursed bottle.

Well, then one more week can't make that much difference.

Now be a good genie and, phweet, back in the bottle.

You are the most difficult master I have ever served.

Mm! [CHUCKLES]

Thanks, Jeannie.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[♪♪♪]

ROGER: And when I told Annabelle

we're going out of town for a week,

you should hear the way she cried.

Cried like a baby. And when I told Louise,

she completely-- All right, all right.

If we hurry, we'll still have time to say goodbye to Margie

and Dottie and Fay on the way to the airstrip.

Here. They can wait. Here, let me grab this.

Okay, thanks.

[♪♪♪]

Now, Jeannie, I-I want you to be a good girl,

you understand?

Look, look. Here.

You can play with your marbles while I'm gone.

I hope I-- I hope I didn't hit you.

There. You'll be safe right here.

Yeah, but how safe am I going to be on a desert

with a guy who talks to bottles?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Well, is it everything I promised?

Yes, sir, and more.

Boy, it must be 110 in the shade out here, sir.

If there was any shade.

Well, cheer up.

It's only 7:00 in the morning.

I know I don't have to remind you men

of the importance of what you're about to do.

No, sir, we certainly appreciate you choosing us

for this mission. Don't we, Roge?

Right, right. After this,

the moon mission will seem like a weekend in Miami.

Any final orders, sir?

No. Just stay alive,

and cover as much ground as possible.

All right. Let's get cracking. I'm anxious to try these

new synthetic boots. See how they work.

You go ahead. I'm going to stick with the old-fashioned kind.

[♪♪♪]

Boy, this survival business is very thirsty work, huh?

I'll drink to that.

Well, here's to you.

[JEANNIE GIGGLES]

Oh, no.

Oh, no, what?

Uh, oh, no, I don't think I'll drink yet.

Try and test the old endurance, huh?

[CHUCKLING] Yeah, yeah.

Something like that.

Listen, why don't we split up for a while, huh?

I'll, uh...

I'll meet you on the other side of that butte.

Okay, here we go. See ya.

[♪♪♪]

You come out of there.

Now, now, come on.

I'm in no mood to play games.

Jeannie, look, I-I... Don't be afraid.

I-I just want to talk to you.

Talking to your canteen.

Aren't you afraid your bottle will get jealous?

No, I wasn't talking to it. I was, uh, well, you know--

[BLOWING NOTES]

Would you like me to play a few choruses on my comb

of "Sugar Blues" or shall we get on with the mission?

Yeah, yeah. You're right, Roger.

I'll see you on the other side of the butte. Okay?

I'll see you.

All right now, Jeannie. Now you come out of there!

Oh, cleverest master in all the world,

teach me the meaning of this strange incantation:

[BLOWING NOTES]

Every drop is gone.

Do you realize what you've done?

Well, I'll die without water.

By this time tomorrow, I'll look like a bag of raisins.

H-h-humans just can't live without--

Whoa-oa. Hey! Ha-ha-ha. Hey!

You're the most wonderful genie

I've ever seen in my life.

What am I being so grateful for?

If it hadn't been for you in the first place...

All right, th-th-that's enough.

That's all I'll ask.

Mm.

[GAGGING] It's a vodka martini.

Is that not my master's favorite potion?

Yes, at cocktail time, but this is life or death.

Just one quart plain, please.

Plain water.

Oh. Oh, that's better.

I mean under the circumstances that's better.

If you are pleased, I am content.

Now, what do we do?

Well, I get on with my mission, and you get out of here.

Oh, but you need me.

No, no, I don't. Now-- Now listen.

Can't you get it through your head?

I don't need you.

Look, I'm especially trained for this type of work.

I-I don't need your help.

I'm a-- I really, I-I--

[SCREAMS]

Jeannie. Let me go.

[CRASH]

Tony, I-I'm looking at a mirage you wouldn't believe.

Tony. Tony. Hello, Ton. Ton? Tony?

Where am I?

Where am I?

What's that?

Baktu malali.

An ancient Persian remedy.

Oh, boy. What is it?

Hot chicken soup.

It's great. Great.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Take that away.

I'm not allowed to eat.

You've had enough?

Enough what?

Well, this is my master's third bowlful.

Oh, you didn't. I didn't.

You did? I did?

Oh, boy.

I've displeased you?

Oh, Jeannie, you meant well,

but you've just ruined the whole mission.

No. No, no, not the whole mission.

There's always Roger.

Yeah, good old Roger.

Uh, Roger. Roger, are you there? Over.

TONY [OVER WALKIE-TALKIE]: Roger, come in.

Hello, Tony?

Where you been? I've been trying to raise you.

I'm headed for the wildest mirage you ever saw.

[GIGGLES]

Uh, mirage? Mirage? What kind of a mirage?

ROGER: Well, there's this oasis, see?

And one of those silk Arab tents,

and a while back, I saw the wildest blonde.

[LAUGHING] Well...boy, I sure wish I had your imagination.

[GIGGLING]

No fooling. I can even smell the incense.

Look, I'll get back to you later when I get a better look.

Maybe she's got a friend for you. Out.

No, no, no, Roger. Now don't do that.

Roger, there is no girl. She's all in your mind.

Roger! Roger?

Now look what you've done.

He's on his way over here.

If my master wishes, I can turn that one into a pillar of salt.

No. No, no, please.

Just...

get rid of all this.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

It is done.

No, no. Not quite. You too.

But-- And take your chicken soup with you.

[WHINES]

[CRACK]

[ROARS]

[ROARS]

[ROARS]

[SCREAMS]

Ah! You may kill me, but you'll have a fight on your hands.

Need any help?

Ooh.

What's the matter with your ankle?

I just twisted it a little it'll be all right. See?

Sure. You take it easy and I'll go out and see

what I can go scrape up for breakfast, okay?

Okay. I'll try to make a snare for that rabbit.

Uh, if you're gonna wrestle that thing again, uh,

take it easy.

If my master is hungry, I could easily spread a six-course--

Of course I'm hungry. But you know the rules.

ROGER [OVER WALKIE-TALKIE]: What'd you say?

Ha-ha. I said I was hungry.

Mm.

[STATIC CRACKLING] Tony. Tony, what are you doing?

Uh... Oh, you're not going to believe this, Roge,

but I got so hungry I took a bite out of my walkie-talkie.

Aw, God - Hang on, will ya?

Look, I got some cactus here that looks beautiful.

I'll try to get the needles off and bring you some. Okay?

Well, if the meat is not pleasing to you, I could...?

No. This is wonderful, but...

I can't gorge myself on roast lamb

while my buddy is out eating needles.

ROGER: Hey, I ran into a special down at the supermarket.

Look what dad's got for breakfast.

Looks delicious. Ahhh.

Hey, you know something, I must be cracking up.

I could swear I smell roast lamb.

Huh?

Oh. Oh, that.

Yeah, well, I got so hungry I cooked my shoe and I ate it.

Roast shoe? How did it taste?

A lot like roast lamb.

Oh, boy. No matter how hungry I get,

I can never eat these fiberglass goodies.

Listen, Roge.

With this bum ankle, I'll never be able to keep up with you.

You better... You better go out on your own.

And leave you out in this wilderness? Forget it.

Listen, the faster you get back to civilization,

the faster you'll be able to send help back for me.

I am not leaving--

Roger...

the mission comes first.

All right.

I'll come back and pick you up myself.

Oh, a-and look, don't burn yourself out.

Slow and easy does it.

Okay.

Uh...

Tony, uh...

I was just thinking.

You won't be doing much walking.

Could you let me have your other shoe?

My other shoe?

Yeah. It'd be kind of a change of diet,

and it did smell like roast lamb, and...

Oh. Okay.

But promise me you won't eat it unless there's absolutely

nothing else around.

And don't overcook it.

I'll check with you every three hours.

I'll be here. You'll be here. Okay.

Your friend is a good man.

Yeah. None better.

It will be hot out there.

If you like,

I could make a cooling shower of rain for him.

I'd like to put him in an air-conditioned car.

Now stop that.

He's got to do this on his own,

otherwise the whole mission is for nothing.

You understand?

No.

But if you want your best friend to suffer...

Hello, Tony?

Yeah, Roger.

I must be doing something wrong.

It tastes like shoe.

I'm sorry, Roge.

This cactus you gave me tastes exactly like-- Like melon.

ROGER: Boy, I wish I had your imagination.

Jeannie, it's against my principles,

but you better get us out of here.

I won't have Roger risking his life coming back for me.

Get me some fast transportation, fast.

Well...

as you say, master.

This is not exactly what I had in mind.

It is the only way to travel.

[CAMEL BRAYS]

[♪♪♪]

[CAMEL BRAYS]

[♪♪♪]

My pal Tony,

I left him behind that butte about five days ago.

We gotta find him. Take it easy, sir.

Captain Nelson's already in.

He's already in? Captain Nelson's already in?

Amazing. Unbelievable.

Couldn't the scale be wrong, sir?

No, captain. Let's face it.

You not only survived, you gained five pounds.

I'm sorry, sir.

And one ounce.

That's not the worst of it.

How am I going to explain your condition?

Why, you're in perfect health.

Uh, what about my elbow?

Yes.

What about that elbow?

Well, it hurts. Isn't that something?

I know it hurts, and I know why it hurts.

There's only one thing that could be.

What? Gout.

And you know what's going to happen to me

when I write that up in the test report?

They won't only throw me out of the space program,

they'll laugh me out of the medical profession.

Well, can we just forget about the gout, sir?

No.

And I have an even bigger problem.

What, sir?

Explaining how a man walks across the desert

in his stockinged feet and winds up with saddle sores.

Get your clothes on, wait for me.

I'm not through with you.

Would you mind turning around?

Too rich food.

That doctor, I do not think I like him.

Well, if he caught you here,

I don't think he'd be too happy either.

You better beat it.

I wish to help. No.

There's no way for you to get me out of this spot, Jeannie.

I've gotta tell the doctor the whole truth.

It may mean my career.

Well, then why tell him?

Because, Jeannie, the results of my survival test

are gonna be used to train future astronauts.

Only they won't have a genie.

I can't let them send those poor kids out in that desert,

thinking they'll make out as well as I did.

Oh. Is it any wonder I love you?

Well, doc, he may be in better physical shape than I am,

but I'll bet I'm in better mental shape.

Oh, hello, doctor. Roger! Your feet--

What happened?

Blisters this big. That's what happened.

Boy, you try walking on a desert,

you'll have blisters too.

Only come to think about it, you couldn't have,

because you didn't have any shoes

because I ate one of them and...

Hey, wait a minute. Wait, wait, what did happen out there?

Well, I've been trying to figure out a way of telling you, doc.

But Roger chose the hard way, and I chose the easy way.

Obviously.

Captain Healy lost 12 pounds traveling 30 miles in seven days

while you turned up three days early,

75 miles from the drop zone

and looking like the guest of honor at the gourmet's club.

Explain that, pal.

How come you didn't let me in on the easy way?

I wanted to, Roge, but I couldn't.

I-- Well, what I mean is...

What? What?

Well, while you were out collecting cactus

and bones and feathers, I was...

I was having a big meal of chicken soup

and roast lamb and melon,

and there, I was lying in this beautiful silk tent.

No fair. No fair. That's my mirage he's doing.

A beautiful tent and beautiful food?

No beautiful girl?

There was in my mirage.

Well, after I ate the melon, you see...

Doc, don't listen to him.

Aside from what was out there on the ground,

the only thing he ate was his left shoe.

It was my right shoe, and I didn't eat it.

Remarkable.

And the 75 miles?

I rode most of the way.

On a camel? Yes.

That was my mirage too.

I must have told him on the walkie-talkie.

Of course you did.

You saw it, but he rode it.

Very interesting.

Wait a minute. Wait, doc.

You don't believe him, do you?

Of course not.

But the important thing is that he believes it.

A remarkable manifestation of mind over matter.

You see, Captain Nelson was so convinced the food was there,

he not only put on weight, he got the gout.

And as for your camel,

he got the saddle sores.

Then you don't think I'm crazy, sir.

You're not going to kick me out of the space program.

Well, hardly.

We need men like you--

Men of imagination and determination.

--if we're to survive on the moon.

Thank you, sir.

You'll never regret this.

I'm recommending you for the most difficult mission

we have yet devised:

Operation Extinction.

Look, Roge.

This is... Roger?

Then I'm really going with you.

I wouldn't dream of tackling Operation Extinction

without you. Oh. I'm so pleased.

You will love the desert of Saudi Arabia.

I know a pool there.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, I bet you do.

All right.

In your bottle.

But... In.

[♪♪♪]

I'm sorry, Jeannie.

I know this is a dirty trick and I hate myself,

but I'm going to accomplish this mission on my own.

With nothing going for me.

[♪♪♪]