Original subtitles

Ethan.

Yeah, that's it. It's perfect. I knew it.

- That's the Cadillac of wet suits. - Thanks, Mom.

You grew, like, an inch. My baby's a big boy.

- Not a white one... - No? Go on.

...because typically the white ones get pulled over more.

I don't know why. I--

- Chunky... - Hey.

...I invited you to Thanksgiving, don't make me regret it.

Come on. Don't talk business. You're driving me crazy.

Not a long drive.

Those are my grandma's napkin rings.

- Come on, help me. - It's almost ready.

Mommy.

If it's still dry after all of this, I'm gonna kill the thing again.

- It won't be dry. - Wow.

You look fucking gorgeous.

You're flirting with me.

You're irresistible. May I?

Just saying it's a fucking lot of work for a mediocre piece of meat,

that's all I gotta say.

Here, Denny, here. Baste.

- What's this? - Be right back.

I'm gonna go check on Sheila in the pool.

- What am I gonna do with this? - Just baste it. Pour--

You know, pour the sauce on it. Do I have to fucking do everything?

- Hey! - Hi!

Okay, go help yourself to drinks at the bar.

By the way, the table looks beautiful.

These are amazing. This is new.

Oh, Peg. I love these.

Stop it. You got this shot?

- I need a copy, like, right away. - Okay.

- You gotta get me a copy. - No!

- Come on! - Yeah!

- Fuck. - Anybody leave in a stretcher yet?

Hey, you two, did you see Grandma's napkin rings on the table?

- They look amazing. - You see, Stewie?

Yeah. Looks great, Peg.

Hey! No. Kids, do not drown each other.

Anybody ends up dead, you're gonna have a problem with me.

Here. Bob for apples. That's safe, okay?

Hey, Ethan. No. Wait for Denny to come out to help you.

- Denny! - Peggy, this is some house.

Tell me about it. It ought to be.

I told you it was a showplace.

The fuck is he? Denny! Denny!

DEA with a search warrant. Demand entry! DEA with a search warrant. Demand entry!

Blue pig!

Blue pig! Blue pig! Blue pig.

- Peg, master toilet. - Mommy!

Chunky, pool filter. Let's go!

Catch up with Mommy. Now!

- Davey. Let's go! - Get out of the pool!

- Out of the pool! - Don't panic. It's okay!

Get the dog.

Let's dry off. Okay, baby?

- Let's go, guys. Come on. - Goddamn it. Come on, people.

Okay, guys. Let's get out of here. I'll wrap you up.

Careful! Come on!

Davey, get your towel. Let's go.

Breach!

This is DEA! We have a warrant! We're coming in!

I asked you to spring for a stash house! I begged you!

My kid is visiting. You ruined the holiday, Denny.

It's not me, it's the plumbing.

It's too fucking much!

Mommy!

Hey, happy fucking Thanksgiving, by the way.

Never again.

- I know. - Goddamn it.

Mommy!

I know you want one. Smile, okay?

Now, you folks, don't miss the gift shop.

We got new Pioneertown T-shirts and beach towels.

Wait till you see me in this show. You're not gonna believe it's me.

Hey, no spoilers, but there may be flying.

There could be gunshots.

...with their boots on.

Cell phones, Peggy.

It's my brother. He needs directions. He's coming with my sister today.

Yep, but there's no cell phones on the frontier, Peggy.

I finally got privacy for once in my fucking life.

So, how's the hotel? It's nice, right?

That's where Mommy and I stayed when we moved from New York.

With the sunken tub.

To keep their families fed,

frontier ladies had to do all sorts of smoking, canning

and, of course, baking.

They had one surefire way to know that their stove was ready.

If you can hold your hand in it

- and count to ten, it's not hot enough. - Count to ten. Not hot enough.

You wanna count with me?

Ready? Goddamn it, Tammy!

Mother-fuck-me. Fucking can't stand this shit.

Goddamn it.

Oh, shit. I'll see you after the show. Okay. Gotta go.

What did he do now? Duck his child support payment?

He hit Brian.

Kid came home yesterday with a black eye. He wouldn't even go to school today.

Okay, no. We're taking him to court. You're getting full custody.

I can't afford a lawyer.

And that stupid PI I hired won't even call me back.

I gave him a $300 retainer to catch Billy doing anything

and now I can't pay rent.

For fuck's sakes.

I could prove he's a criminal. How hard is that?

So, what's this fucking Columbo's name?

Bruce Harvey. Private investigator.

What the fuck, Jeannie? I'm in there alone. Can you come back?

- Shut the fuck up, Tammy. Just shh. - I burned my hand. Just go back inside.

I don't even need this job. My fiancé's loaded.

He is. See that?

It's pretty, Tammy.

It's a gift from GB.

And I've got two more gifts coming, if you know what I mean.

- What's GB? A jewelry store? - Guru Bob, my boyfriend.

They say diamonds are forever, right?

Are moonstones forever? 'Cause that's what you got on your finger.

- I don't think so. GB knows jewels. - Okay.

He knows everything.

Does he know not to go around calling himself "Guru"?

Other people call him that! He's very famous.

He used to be on the news.

Bob and Barb at Five.

Channel 18.

Everything is stupid. Everything is stupid.

The "Everything's stupid" guy?

He went nuts, didn't he?

He went sane.

He wanted to have more meaning in his life.

Go fire up the hot rocks, Tammy.

And speaking of which, congratulations on your ring.

It's real and my days in this hellhole are numbered.

- Go fire 'em up, Tammy. Move. - People are waiting for bread.

I gotta man the stupid goddamn bake shop.

I gotta go get a costume change out of my locker.

Save me a spot in the cancan line. My brother and sister are here.

I like to yodel I yodel all the time

I like to yodel It makes me feel so fine

When I start to yodel...

Oh, no.

Here's how it goes

We're supposed to meet someone at the bar. Is that what she said?

I think so. This place. It's--

You must be Stewart and Dianne.

- Yeah. - Come on.

This is the best table to watch the show.

Thank you.

You'll be able to see her beautiful blue eyes from here.

And just so you know, we all love Peggy.

She is a treasure.

Thanks. That's very nice.

The daily special is the brisket.

And we would like to offer the 10% family discount to y'all.

That's very sweet. Thank you.

We don't normally offer the discount for the daily special,

but we sure do love Peggy.

You know, I gave up meat, but I might cheat and get the brisket.

I gave up meat when I walked in this place.

Oh, yeah?

Why, you son of a bitch!

Hey!

Hey. Come here!

Son of a-- What the--

Hey, cowfolk!

Hi!

Here you go.

Why, I oughta...

Hi!

Take that for me!

Dirty sidewinder!

Threes.

Wow. You still gonna get the brisket?

There you go, my Peggy.

- Thank you, Roger. - I mean, wow.

Here, let me get this for you.

I don't like tomatoes neither.

I love your earrings.

I have almost the same ones, but yours are real.

So we're doing life together now, huh, guys?

Starting with Mommy's bench tomorrow.

We'll bring it up to her favorite spot,

and then she can just stare at that view forever and ever.

See, once again,

you can't just plunk a bench on federal land, Peg.

I wish you brought the kids. They have to come stay with me soon.

We'll have so much fun.

Yeah. They had so much fun when the DEA raided your house and searched them.

- Okay. Let's not. - Yeah. That was years ago.

They're not gonna stay with you because they're traumatized--

Hey, we'll see. Okay? Let's see. Maybe we'll do it.

- More ice tea? It's bottomless. - I'm okay. Thank you.

That's my brother.

And this is my beautiful little sister. We're sisters.

- No, you're not. Are you? - Yes.

Must've been so much fun growing up with Peggy.

You have no idea.

Did you call her Margaret growing up or just Peggy?

- Just Peggy. - Yeah.

- Peggy only. - Or "Face-in-the-plate."

Oh, dear.

No. My face never fell in the plate.

Okay.

Peggy.

What are your plans?

What do you mean?

Have you thought about what you're gonna do next?

- Regarding what? -"Regarding what?"

I mean, look, it's fine that we supported you while Mommy was here

because you were taking care of her, but ain't happenin' anymore.

- Peggy, you need a job. - Uh-huh.

Hey, I have a job. Look around you.

Well...

And don't disrespect me 'cause we pool tips.

Well, you work as a fictional barmaid.

Yeah. That's acting. That's my job.

What if you act like a court stenographer or something?

What?

I have a record. This is kind of the best I can do right now.

Okay.

No, you can...

- Oh, my God. - You said you're speaking to her.

- Dianne has something she wants to say. - Okay. We met with a Realtor this morning.

Oh, my God.

You can't pay the mortgage.

- What are you saying? - We have to sell the house.

- You can't sell Mommy's house. - Peggy, please.

Is that why you came back here? You came back here to evict me?

We can't just pay for the house indefinitely. Come on.

So you stop by just to toss me out on the street?

- No. - Wait, nobody's going on the street.

We just need to start getting practical, you know?

- Just-- Let's come up with a plan. - Yeah.

And they gave you the family discount.

Your mother's not with you again today.

No, not today.

Tell her I tried the soup, the Tabatchnick, frozen.

She recommended the split pea.

Yeah.

It was very good. I was surprised.

You know you can't do that in here, Peggy.

It's not lit. I quit. I told you.

Almost up to a week take home. Good job.

Yeah. It would be nice to come in just once a week.

It's not you, it's the lighting.

Who are you fooling?

- What? - You're not here for pain management.

Yeah, I am.

Methadone is ten times harder to quit than heroin. You know that?

Okeydoke. Here we go.

You don't even know me.

I do, actually.

You're a junkie.

You'll get a double addiction, and you'll end up dead.

Give your mother my regards.

She died.

Three weeks ago.

Try the potato soup. That was her favorite.

Hey. Are you okay?

My mommy's gone.

Oh, damn.

I'm so sorry to hear that, sister.

You wanna cop? I got some oxys.

No!

Fuck. You do that here?

No, I don't wanna cop.

I'm on methadone. Shame on you.

Fucking creep.

Hey, just-- Just give me your number, just in case.

No! Fuck. Don't.

Fuck you.

- Hey, Carol. - Hey, Peggy.

Hey, Peggy.

- Peggy. No, Peggy. - Hear this?

- I don't have time for that. Can you-- - I know Wagner was a Nazi, but...

- It's happening. - ...he created sounds from spiritual realms,

- and that's where Mommy is now. - It's happening.

Peggy, a federal agent is following me.

- He's gonna arrest me. Listen to me. - Hey.

Who's a federal agent?

- Slow down. - A yellow hat...

Where are you?

A yellow hat?

Oh, shit. I'm so sorry. New medication.

Carol.

Carol, it's me. Open up.

Hey. Are you okay?

Did you see him? The guy with the yellow cap?

Yeah. No, he's not a fed.

Look, he's a plumber.

Eats vegan yogurt.

Lucky day. Next one's free.

I was sure he was following me.

It happens.

Life as a fugitive. It's not always fun.

Come on. You're buying.

Wait, they're throwing you out of the house?

That's why they came to the show?

How are you even related to those two?

I mean, can they let you mourn for, like, ten minutes?

No. No mourning, no grieving, just, "Go work at Kinko's right now."

They just care about their fucking mortgage.

We knew they weren't gonna support you forever,

so now you're just gonna have to hustle.

I need a hustle.

No. "To" hustle.

What does she want, a ride to the liquor store?

Butt-dial.

- And she's just a kid. - Yeah, a kid who sneaks out the window.

She steals your wine. She steals your car.

She's just pissed.

Okay, so her mother left her. Big deal.

Her father's better off with you.

She should be kissing your ass.

Come on, Peg. Didn't Ethan ever act out 'cause you weren't around?

- I didn't leave my son. Okay? - I--

- I fought for custody. - I know.

I know. That's not what I'm saying.

- That just came out wrong. - It's very fucking different.

I know. Okay? I'm sorry.

...in the High Desert?

- I got my PI license... - Hey. You-- Turn this up.

...from Mustang College.

All the dramatic events that make for great TV...

That's the fucking PI that ripped Jeannie off.

With Mustang College, you could have a career like criminology, anti-terrorism...

I hate those fuckers. I can do that.

Train to do background checks.

I do that shit in my sleep.

This guy. Talk about a hustle.

Train to be like me, Bruce Harvey, Private Investigator.

Yes.

Well... Okay.

eBay ruled, your case is closed.

So, read your buyer's contract.

All right, look.

I just got in a brand-new CPAP machine.

It's only been used twice.

Yeah. Mint condition.

I haven't even listed it yet.

I can give it to you for seven.

680?

250?

Okay, how about...

fuck you!

Temper, temper...

What are you supposed to be?

A real PI. What are you playing at?

Is this one of those birthday stripteases? Because I prefer the lady cop.

You owe my friend Jeannie 300 bucks.

I'll take cash.

Yeah, well, you know what? I'm working this case behind-the-scenes, princess.

I'm not so sure.

Look, I need Jeannie's 300.

Or we could just take this to Small Claims Court and Yelp.

Fuck Yelp. I give it one star.

Where you going?

Are you even still a PI?

It's like Big Lots in here.

Please, make yourself at home. What, do you live here now?

I'll get your friend her money. Okay?

Look. You've fallen on hard times. I can see that. It happens.

But if you take a woman's money, you gotta deliver.

How'd you know I like it so sweet?

I looked in your garbage.

Three empty cups and 15 sweeteners.

I deduced, like a detective.

You know, when this account is settled, I might consider working with you.

I'm not hiring.

Yeah, 'cause you're broke.

You got an office with holes in the walls

and another with an outdated eBay collection.

I'm sensing conflict, abandonment and financial insecurity,

which has impacted your diet.

Things are a little slow right now. It's seasonal.

Hey, what if I could bring business in here?

I could make it rain, would you be hiring then?

Sure. Okay?

Okay. In the meantime, I need Jeannie's bread.

Cash or payment-in-kind.

Take what you want.

Can you believe it?

It's not definite, but it's looking really good.

I mean, who would have thought?

Me at my age, starting this prestigious career?

I'm like Mary Tyler Moore on methadone.

- Yeah, I just don't see it as a-- - Stewie, hey.

What are you doing over there? Shopping?

Hey, come on. Have a seat with us.

I mean, you have to have a license to be a PI, don't you?

Well, I'll be more like a PI's intern when he hires me...

- Yeah. - ...which he hasn't yet,

but that's a big "yet" 'cause the guy fucking loves me.

Yeah, that's a wish, Peg, it's not a paycheck.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Peggy.

I know you're excited, but this just sounds like

another one of those crazy things you're trying between rehabs.

Yeah, what about a job-job? You know, with some structure?

You show that you're helping yourself and then maybe we could help you.

I am helping myself.

Does anybody fucking care that I'm down to two milligrams a day?

I was up to 60. Do you know how fucking hard that is?

- It's really fucking hard! - Peggy,

- I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. - Hey.

When I had money, we all had money.

- From dealing drugs! - Okay, judgy, it was a little pot!

And maybe some hash.

- It was harmless. - There was cocaine.

Well, that was much later. And I did it, I didn't sell it.

Wow!

- Okay, calm down! - Congratulations.

Why don't I make us some espresso?

Great.

You want a bag for all my knickknacks?

Don't answer her.

Just don't.

I mean, look at that thing. That coffee machine is ridiculous.

I don't even have one like that.

You know, you could sell that thing

- and pay for the mortgage next month! - Oh, Stewie, come on!

Mommy's gone!

Is this what we're gonna be like now?

It's how we are, Peggy.

That hasn't changed.

Ever since Denny, your life's been a dumpster fire.

Hello, sensei.

Excuse me. Hello.

But my ring is not moonstone, because...

Two carats! Thank you very much.

And there...

is my sweet baby.

He doesn't need to buy moonstones because, as you can see,

he's got leather couches and such.

This whole place is like Club Med, so I know you're jelly,

but maybe you can find yourself somebody too.

Baby?

What am I looking at? I can't see under the cracks.

Le Pigeon aux Petits Pois.

It's a Picasso.

"Le" what? I don't think you're saying it right.

I'm trying to bring you business.

Come on. What's the problem?

That fucking thing has a million dollar reward.

It's been missing for, like, ten years.

Come on. It's probably a fake. And that's not business.

Your version of business is selling Cabbage Patch dolls out of your basement.

It's a temporary situation.

Look. You need me and I need this job.

- You have a record? - No, of course not.

But how far back would they go to look for that kind of thing?

No. Don't worry. I'm clean.

All right. You know what? I'm not equipped. I'm sorry.

Who's this beauty?

Fuck me.

Hello! Mr. Geasley.

I'm Peggy Newman, I work for Bruce Harvey.

He's bringing hookers in the daytime now?

And that just got you a sexual harassment case in a civil court.

I was recording that on my phone. In my pants.

Look I went over our books.

We're a month, maybe two, behind on the rent.

Which, big deal.

New bookkeeper. Money in, money out. It's business.

We'll get it to you as soon as possible.

You'll get it to me today, or I'll start eviction.

Okay, I didn't wanna tip my hand,

but the reason that Bruce is so busy is all the hours he's putting in

on this workman's comp case against you.

Like, look at this! Wobbly step, this is not to code.

- I can't be held responsible-- - You're responsible.

- Yes, you are responsible! - But--

- No buts. What buts? - Come on now.

He's walking with a cane now. Why do you think I'm here?

- Listen-- - No, you listen, shit stain.

He's ashamed for anyone to see him. It's his manhood.

We're just deciding how much to sue you for.

And it all depends on what the doctors say when they see the X-rays.

So, we will be in touch. You get my drift, fuckey?

Don't call me that.

Hey. Hello.

"Frank, 204." That's me. I'm Frank.

- Got it. Thank you. - Okay. Have a good one.

You're like the asshole whisperer.

So, I work here now.

You have any money to pay me?

No, but you can intern.

So, an unpaid associate.

Look, I'm not looking for ten bucks an hour.

I want a percentage.

Of what?

You're mostly just helping with the eBay business.

God, no! We're getting you back in the game,

and you're gonna give me 50% of all the business I bring in.

- Are you out of your mind? - Forty-five.

- No! - All right, 30. It's as low as I can go.

Ten.

- Fine. - And you've got to get into PI class

and work your way towards a license if you wanna be a PI.

Oh, come on. School's a racket.

They spit you out financially illiterate, and honestly, with no real sex education.

I learned more at home.

Go on. You look hungry, eat.

Where'd you get this?

Close by. And there's more where that came from.

Be here Monday morning at 9:00 a.m.

I don't get up before 11:00.

- 9:00. - Okay, fine.

You win. 10:00.

Hey! It's your big sister.

Finally calling with some good news.

I got the job.

It actually happened.

I wanna try to make up for being so difficult.

I mean, it's just us now.

And we can all be close again.

I love you guys.

Hey. I don't know if you checked out yet, but I'm at your hotel.

I brought Mommy's bench.

We can pick up Dianne and we can bring it to Hawk's Peak and plant it.

She loved it so much there.

Oh, shit.

Stewart. Leave a message.

There.

It's all right.

You're all right.

Margaret...

Go.

What is this, Christmas?

Wow. Look at you.

Hey, Peewee. This is my wife.

What's with the shiner?

It's nothing. It's all good.

Peewee and I were friends, but no more.

Let me get a look at you.

You okay? I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the funeral.

I feel really bad about that.

How you doing?

I'm clean.

What?

- That's unbelievable. Are you kidding me? - Yeah, I'm working a program.

- That's incredible. - Yeah. I know.

Especially with everything that you've been through, you know?

Amazing.

I'm trying so hard.

I know. Me too.

Oh, Denny, listen to me.

Money in our landscape is a garbage dump. And it's reflecting badly on me.

You look fucking gorgeous, okay?

So don't be too tough on yourself.

You love me, right, Denny?

Are you kidding me?

I'm gonna be buried with this.

If you really love me, you'll give me the one thing that I really crave.

Which is freedom.

Which is a divorce.

Is that what this is?

We said we'd wait.

No. You said that.

I need to start over.

I can no longer be encumbered by a felon, which is you.

Look, as the love of your life, I have a vote in this.

And my vote is no.

- Request denied. I'm sorry. - Okay. Your vote?

Your sphere of influence-- It doesn't matter.

You don't have that effect anymore.

Not you, not Dianne, not Stewart.

Not even gravity.

I decided, I'm gonna fucking fly.

Take off your glasses.

Are you tripping right now?

- Immaterial. - It's not immaterial.

You're trying to divorce me on acid. You're not thinking straight.

That's why I'm thinking straight.

That's the whole fucking purpose.

It's acid. It's not drugs.

It's not like I came here on fucking opioids.

Look. Sign or don't sign,

but in 30 days we're divorced.

I asked you nicely, like a person.

I drove all the way here on acid.

You don't wanna be a person? Okay, good.

Excuse me.

Wanna make 20 bucks?

- All right. - Okay.

Pass these to him.

You've been served.

I'll Venmo you.

You got a pen?

Jeannie.

What's the problem? I'm on a schedule.

Peggy. The safe was robbed.

The cops are coming after you. Owen said you did it.

Why would I do that? I'm a PI.

Because he's saying you go in there for the Keurig.

No. Nothing's gonna ruin this day.

This isn't old Peggy Newman where every day turns to shit.

This is new-day Peggy.

With signed divorce paper--

Fucking fuck!

What's the matter?

You bastard!

Okay. You tell the cops to stay put.

I'm coming and I'm pissed.