Original subtitles

- [Zach] They think they have to

tell you that my story is a lie.

But in reality, every bit of this happened

just the way you're about to see it.

(phone rings)

- [Laura] Hi, this is Laura, leave a message.

(answering machine beeps)

- Hey Laura, it's Zach.

I'm going to the bar.

I was wondering if you wanna meet up for a

drink or maybe some dinner tonight or whenever.

Call me back.

Los Angeles.

Every night feels the same in Los Angeles.

If you're a one in a million in this city,

there's still seven more just like you.

We're all just duplications of copies

of Xeroxes, each of us living proof

that there's no one and nothing here.

(phone rings)

- [Mandy] Hi, it's Mandy, leave me a message.

(answering machine beeps)

- Hey Mandy, it's Zach.

I'm going to the bar.

I was just wondering if you wanna meet up.

We could get dinner or a drink tonight or tomorrow.

Whenever you're free.

Call me.

(phone rings)

- [Rebecca] Hello?

- Hey, Rebecca?

It's Zach.

- [Rebecca] Hey, Zach.

- You still wanna go see that Hieronymus Bosch exhibit?

- [Rebecca] Sure.

- I'm going down to the bar, I'm just wondering

if you want to meet up for a drink tonight.

- [Rebecca] Take me to the exhibit, we can have one after.

(dramatic acoustic guitar music)

♫ Jesus on the mainline

♫ Jesus on the mainline

♫ Jesus on the mainline

♫ You can call Him up and tell Him what you want

♫ You can call and hurry along

♫ You can call and hurry along

♫ You can call and hurry along

♫ You can call Him up and tell Him what you want

- [Rebecca] Hey!

I'll be right down!

♫ When you're sick and you can't get well

♫ When you're sick and you can't get well

- [Zach] Hey there.

- Yo.

I'm excited.

Been wanting to see the Bosch exhibit for weeks.

Didn't they burn him in the end?

- [Zach] Probably.

They used to kill everyone that was cool, didn't they?

- [Voiceover] You have reached your destination.

- Oh man, is it a weekend?

- Look at the line.

- [Zach] I hate lines.

- [Rebecca] Yeah, I don't do lines.

- [Zach] I don't wanna be around

that many people right now.

Do you mind if we just go to the bar instead?

- [Rebecca] Yeah, no, let's just go straight then.

- We'll just go on the weekday

when it's not as crowded, you know?

- [Voiceover] Now turn left.

- [Zach] That bar was like a little bubble.

My own private world.

(soft rock music)

- What are you thinking about?

- [Zach] Huh?

- You're just sitting there staring,

you're not even talking to me.

- Oh, sorry.

I do that sometimes.

- You could've had me tonight,

but instead you showed me what

a raging alcoholic you are.

- Really?

(chuckles)

I didn't realize I was doing it.

I thought if you get a girl drunk,

that improves your chances of sex.

- I am not even talking about sex.

- [Zach] Hmm?

Well what are you talking about?

(loud thud)

- [Rebecca] Ow!

- [Zach] You all right?

- [Rebecca] Nice house.

- Thanks.

Come on.

You want another drink?

- Yeah, I just think it's real creepy that

you drove me here without even asking me.

- Yeah, well I figured that was implied.

You implied that.

- You misunderstood me.

I have a boyfriend, I just wanted to

see the Hieronymus Bosch exhibit.

- Yeah, but you kissed me earlier.

- Yeah, that happens, I just...

Wanted to see if the Earth was gonna move.

- And?

- And...

It didn't.

- Yes it did.

What?

- I have a boyfriend.

- (mumbles) tell me you're not alone.

- What does that have to do with anything?

No!

I just told you I have a fucking boyfriend.

- Well I don't know what to do

here, I mean I can't rape you.

- That's right you can't rape me, motherfucker.

No.

- Come on, let's just go to my room and lie down.

- No.

- Come on.

- No, no!

Stop it!

- Why?

- No, no!

Because I have a boyfriend!

Take me home.

- I already did take you home.

- Take me to my house!

- No!

(laughing)

- Freakin' now, take me!

- I will, I will, I will, I will, I swear to God.

I swear to God I'll take you home.

(laughing)

Come here.

Lame.

- I don't know whether to kiss you or slap you.

- Why don't you do both?

(car revs)

(jazzy music)

I can't remember how many girls

I'm messing with right now, I think there's

four and a half I know about for sure.

Why would I like Crazy Eyes more?

(phone rings)

I thought I told you not to keep calling me.

- [Latisha] I just wanna see you so bad.

(phone rings)

- Hello?

- [Latisha] I wish I was in your bed.

I was thinking maybe you could book

me a ticket to come visit you next weekend.

- I don't know what I'm doing next weekend.

I'm drunk, let me call you in the morning.

- [Latisha] Okay.

I love you.

Zach?

I love you.

- Okay, goodbye.

(phone rings)

Hello?

- I said I love you.

- Okay, I love you.

I'm going to sleep now, would you please stop calling me?

- [Latisha] Okay.

(phone rings)

Hello?

- [Ex] Zach, what's wrong with you,

you were supposed to pick up your son.

- Shit.

What day is it?

- He's been sitting here for hours

waiting for you with his backpack,

he was so excited to see you.

- Can I come get him right now?

- No, that's too late.

You know what, you're not having him until Thanksgiving.

- About Thanksgiving, I was thinking...

Maybe we could all just get together for dinner.

Like we used to.

- Like a family, with your mom and dad?

- Yeah, like a family.

- No, I don't think that's a good idea.

- All right, see you.

Tell him I'm sorry, okay?

- Fuck you.

(bass guitar music)

- I need Crazy Eyes.

- Man, shut up man, fuck that bitch,

stop complaining about her.

You know she drinks the most disgusting

shit with cherries on the top.

She's ridiculous, man.

- What I'm gonna do is take her to dinner.

Then...

Oh fuck.

(heavy breathing)

If I can get her to share more than

two bottles of wine with me, she's gonna

want more, so I'll get a third bottle.

Then I'll tell her there's a fourth bottle at my house.

By then, she'll be on a sugar rush,

so she's gonna be craving a fourth bottle.

Then I'll just take her home--

- Yeah, and you'll struggle fuck her.

- Nah, it won't be a struggle

'cause she'll be passed out.

I'm kidding, she won't know.

She'll be so sweetened by the four or five

bottles of wine she'll be dying to fuck me.

- [Dan] Yeah, maybe.

I still say getting four or five girls all

coked up in the jacuzzi is the best plan.

- But I gotta, I gotta have this Crazy Eyes girl.

- Shut up about her.

- Don't know what it is about her.

- [Dan] God!

- [Zach] How you doing?

- [Rebecca] I feel like shit.

I can't even function, it gets dark so early.

- Yeah, me too.

I don't know if I can even handle

being around people right now.

- Me either, I just woke up, I haven't eaten anything.

I haven't even bathed in three days.

- Well...

What do you wanna do, you wanna maybe

go get a glass of wine, some food then

before we go to the museum?

- Okay.

- [Zach] Okay.

- Wow, you have a kid.

- Five year old son.

- What happened with his mom?

- I don't know, it just didn't work out.

- We've been drinking this wine at this table for hours.

- Yeah, if we wanna go to the

exhibit we should probably leave now.

Unless you wanna just finish this one.

- Yes!

- Yeah?

Well maybe we shouldn't go tonight then,

maybe we should just, we don't wanna be rushed.

- Yeah, when we go we're gonna wanna

take our time, look at all the paintings.

We probably don't have time tonight.

- Maybe we should get another bottle.

(chuckling)

Cheers.

- Whoa.

Watch it, buddy.

- [Zach] Well we can hang out again soon, right?

- [Rebecca] Will you still take me

to the Hieronymus Bosch exhibit?

- [Zach] Of course.

Bye.

This kind of thing happens to everyone.

Even Jesus drank wine and spent time

with a hooker he didn't have sex with.

Yo.

Oh shit bro, don't worry.

- Zach, sorry man.

- It's all right.

- So I guess your five bottles of wine plan didn't work.

- Dude, get me a drink before this Crazy Eyes

bitch drives me permanently insane.

(chuckles)

Oh man, oh God, I need Crazy Eyes.

I gotta have Crazy Eyes dude,

I mean I will die without Crazy Eyes.

- [Dan] Yeah.

- What's Crazy Eyes?

I've never heard of that, can I get some?

- Crazy Eyes is this girl I took home

the other night and she made out with me

and then she slapped me and then she

talked about her boyfriend all night.

- And she wouldn't let him have sex with her.

- What a tease.

- Yeah, and then I hung out with her again

and she wouldn't have sex with me then either.

- Dude, seriously, you gotta stop over-tipping.

- Fuck off buddy, I love you, bro.

- Hey Zach, have I ever told you

that I'm a lingerie designer?

- [Zach] No.

- Yeah, they're selling my lingerie

at Barney's and Neiman Marcus and

I'm getting bigger and bigger orders.

- Great.

- Maybe I should come over to your

place and model them for you sometime.

- Yeah, okay.

Hey, you know what?

Let's get a round of shots too, what do you say?

- Sure, why not?

- You want a shot?

- Yeah, definitely.

- [Dan] Keep tipping like that, you'll get shots all night.

- That's Dan "the man" Drake.

- Here you go, sweetie.

- [Autumn] Thank you.

- Cheers.

- [Zach] Cheers.

- [Autumn] Cheers, ole.

- [Dan] (laughs) Ole.

- [Zach] I'd never been smart when it came to women,

but I knew enough to say that hooking up

with this girl would be darker than

getting trapped in a coalmine.

With her I'd probably wind up laying

my head on a railroad track a little bit.

(doorbell rings)

(doorbell rings)

(doorbell rings)

(doorbell rings)

The fuck?

- So?

Where's my little angel?!

- Yeah.

- No, I don't have him 'till Thanksgiving, mom.

- Well happy Thanksgiving, son.

- Whoa, you really do need a woman's touch around here.

- Mmmhm.

My mom's right, I should just

get back with my ex-wife, then

I'll only have to pay for one

house and one screeching bandit.

- [Ex] The rest of your fucking family!

And tell your father to get--

- Get in back, buddy.

Get in your seat.

Yeah, go fuck yourself, honey!

I can remember when getting that shoe she just

chucked at me like a skillet was the

most important thing in the world.

- Hey dad?

After mommy goes like that, how about

you just punch her in the nose?

- Well 'cause if I did that then men with

guns would come and put me in a cage.

- Oh.

Fuck you, grandpa.

Get out of here, motherfucker.

- Where did you learn those filthy words?

- Mommy threw shoes at us and screamed

you're crazy like your whole family.

- Oh.

(gun noises)

- Are we crazy?

- (whispers) Do you understand the

long term psychological effect

of the absence of a father,

behaving like an adult parent?

- Mom.

- You know, it's not really a religious holiday,

it's more of an acknowledgment of a historical event.

No matter how you feel about the

colonization of America, it did happen

and we should acknowledge that.

Right, Big Chief?

Huh?

Oh!

Oh no.

(fake coughs)

(chuckling)

So we'll drop this crazy little Indian

off at his mama's house on our way home.

- Okay, thanks.

- You're shaking.

Your hand's been shaking like

a 90 year old's all day.

You always shake when you've been drinking.

- [Zach] I haven't been drinking that much, mom.

- You drunk drive like a faggot.

- [Dan] Oh shut up.

- [Autumn] Hey Zach!

- Hey man, guess who I brought?

- Yeah, well thanks, these are my parents.

- [Dan] Oh, guess we must...

This is definitely the wrong house, sorry.

- Hi, Dan Drake.

- [Rebecca] Oof!

- You're at the right house, we were just leaving.

- Yes, come on, hun.

Let's go.

You take care, son.

- Hey, thanks for dinner.

- I'm okay.

- It was nice.

- Bye, buddy.

- Have a good night.

Happy Thanksgiving.

- Come on, come on, (mumbles).

Come on.

(upbeat acoustic guitar music)

(muffled chatter)

- So what's your sign, Daniel?

- [Dan] I'm a Scorpio.

- Scorpio?

- Yeah.

- I love Scorpios.

- Really?

- Both of the loves of my life were Scorpios.

- No shit.

- My bikini looks good here.

- Yeah.

- [Autumn] Right?

- Yeah, nice.

- [Autumn] Zach, can I do my photoshoot in your house?

- Sure.

- Oh shit!

Fuck.

Oh no, I have to put this back together.

- Do you need some help, or--

- No, Rebecca, can you come inside please?

- [Rebecca] Yeah, sure.

I need a drink anyway.

- [Autumn] Fuck.

- That's some fancy underwear.

- Yeah, if she had told me her

lingerie dissolved in water,

I would have invested immediately.

- [Dan] No shit, right?

She's pretty hot, huh?

- Yeah, she's hot.

- So what were you saying to Zach?

- What?

- I saw you talking to him and he

said you were saying crazy things to him.

I wanna know what you were saying.

- I wasn't saying crazy things to Zach.

Zach was saying crazy things to me.

- Like what?

- Whatever, he's a total scumbag type of guy.

He is cute though, I could see why you like him.

- Hey hey, little aardvarks.

- I have to pee.

- I wish I could disappear without having to go outside.

- I'll meet you out there.

- My plan was going perfect except for the fact

that we're gonna die before these bitches shut up.

(laughing)

Kampai.

- (laughs) Shut the fuck up.

You sure this isn't meth?

- Yeah man, it's good coke like always.

I'll see you in a minute.

- Okay, see you.

(dramatic music)

(urinating)

- Hey.

- Hey yourself.

- [Rebecca] No no no.

Yes yes yes yes.

No no no.

Yes.

Don't.

This is my butt, that's your butt.

You're wearing expensive underwear and I'm not.

- These aren't expensive?

- No, mine are working class.

- Well I like your little working class ass.

- Where's Autumn and Dan Drake at?

- I don't think they're coming back.

Come here.

- No.

- (laughs) Come on.

Whatever.

- No, I can't.

I don't (mumbles) for anything, I'm too drunk.

I'm like a drunk robot with no feelings.

(grunts)

(moaning)

Ow.

Ow, fuck.

I need something.

Do you have some Vicodin?

- So we're finally gonna go to the Bosch exhibit today?

Forgot how much I like to cook.

I used to cook so much for my ex-wife that...

(phone rings)

Speak of the devil.

Hello?

- [Ex] Hey.

I'm sorry about the other day.

I'm just having a really hard time

dealing with the holidays by myself.

- What about that surfer guy you were going with?

- [Ex] He moved out.

- You're single again?

- Yeah.

And I'm having a really hard time.

- Yeah, I know the feeling.

- I need a little bit more money.

You stopped giving me as much

because he was living with me, right?

- Yeah, I think that had something to do with it.

- I live alone again and I was wondering if

you can give me as much as you gave me before.

- I guess so.

- Well can you call your lawyers?

I really don't wanna talk to them anymore.

- Yeah, fine.

- [Ex] Thank you.

- How's the little guy?

- He's okay.

I gave his dog away.

- I thought we agreed that you'd

take the dog to obedience school.

- [Ex] Yeah, but I just figured that if I get

him another one right away it's gonna be fine.

- That's one way to look at it.

I gotta go, I got something on the stove.

- [Ex] Okay, bye.

- [Zach] Every time I hang up the phone

I know she's about to eat some vegan bread and

then fuck some surfer dude with a ponytail.

So you still wanna go to the

Hieronymus Bosch exhibit tonight?

- I might be in love with somebody else.

His name's Vladimir.

I think I'm in love with him.

I'm gonna check.

I should check.

- Oh yeah?

How you gonna do that?

- Well first I'm going to shave my legs.

Then I'm gonna shave my whole body.

Then I'm going to drive to his place

and I'm going to knock on the door.

I'm gonna sit on the couch and then

I'm just gonna see what happens.

- When are you gonna do this?

- Right now.

(jazzy music)

- [Dan] I fucked the hell out of that girl, dude.

I fucked the hell out of her!

Brought her up to the park with the grass,

you know, the jacket on the grass,

laid her down on the jacket.

Fucking went to town, dude.

Went to fucking town, I was putting

red welts on her ass, she's calling me daddy.

Classy, I mean my plan worked, bro.

- That was not classy, man.

All they want is money, those girls.

I mean they drive me crazy, they're insane.

Everybody's crazy.

We're crazy.

You're fucking crazy.

- I love 'em all, man.

I love 'em all.

- [Zach] What, you love all what?

- Girls man, I just wanna fuck

'em all, I wanna fuck whole towns!

- I suck at this game.

Not playing this anymore.

I gotta make a call.

- [Dan] Hey, folks, what's up?

(phone rings)

- Hello?

- [Zach] Hi.

I wanted to talk to you about something,

I wanted to see if...

You want to get together sometime?

Just the two of us, you know?

Have dinner or something?

- Are you drunk?

- Not really.

- [Rebecca] Well it sounds like you've been drinking.

- Well you wanna have dinner?

- I'm sorry, Zach.

- Okay.

- [Rebecca] I'm sorry.

- It's okay.

(police sirens wailing)

(dramatic acoustic guitar music)

Money is a medium that can be exchanged for services.

It has no real value.

Really, it's just paper.

One day it will all good poof.

- You gave one, two, $300 for those drinks.

- All of you can kiss my ass and suck my dick.

- [Voiceover] Dude.

- [Zach] You heard me, suck my fucking dick.

Give me more shots, bro.

And get the fuck outta here Bob.

I don't need you looming over me.

- You are (mumbles) it today.

- [Zach] Would I know if I was in Hell?

Or would things just start looking like Hell?

It was all red at the bar that night.

And full of whorees.

I caught the reflection of a Kraken,

up from the deep, out of the corner of my eye.

Give me another beer and another shot.

- Whoa, don't talk to me like a

dog when I'm serving you, bro.

- Give me a fucking beer, bro!

- [Dan] You've had enough beer.

- Fucking I knew it.

You guys don't love me.

Nobody, neither of you guys love me,

fucking all you want is my fucking money.

You're trying to get me killed Bob, right?

Huh?

- Take the night off, drive him home, give him

his medication, he's obviously freaking out.

- [Zach] Nobody's taking me home and drugging me!

- Dude, you know what, he's right.

You obviously have had too much to drink.

I'm gonna call you a cab, you're gonna go home,

and you're gonna sleep it off, okay?

- You don't love me.

- We--

- You don't fucking love me.

Give me another beer.

- [Dan] No.

- Dan is your best friend, you have another

beer that you're squeezing in your hand

right there, and nobody is trying to kill you.

- [Zach] Fuck you, man!

- Oh really?

- Fuck, you're on Viagra, and Dan Drake sells cocaine!

- What the fuck?

Chill!

(glass shatters)

- [Bob] Stop it, stop it!

(glass shatters)

That's it, that's enough.

- Get outta here! - That's enough.

- [Zach] Let go of me!

- [Bob] Come on, get outta here.

- Fucking assholes!

- [Dan] Wait out here for the cab.

(door slams)

- [Zach] I feel like I'm swinging

high up in the rigging of a tossing ship.

I must've been hit.

I must've been beaten up, but I don't remember it.

Why can't I wake up?

I need another drink.

I need another drink.

I tried to drown the monsters, but they learned to swim.

(mumbles) serpents.

Crazy Eyes.

(toy dinosaur roars)

- Dad, wake up.

Let's fight monsters.

(toy dinosaur roars)

Wake up.

Fight monsters.

- Sorry buddy, I can't fight monsters right now.

- [Max] Why?

- Because I'm just too tired to fight these monsters.

- Dad, what happened?

- I guess I was already fighting monsters.

Maybe that's why I'm so tired.

- Did you win?

- [Zach] Not quite.

- We should fight them together, dad.

Wake up.

- Go play with your nanny.

(dramatic music)

Did you beat me up last night?

- [Dan] No.

- Well what happened to my arm and my chest?

- What happened is you're batshit crazy

and you beat the fuck out of yourself.

- Okay, I believe you.

- Thank you.

- I only had nine drinks.

- A beer and a shot nine times?

That's 18 drinks.

- Oh man.

- Your mom says you're drinking too much.

Sign right here.

How's the kid?

- Good.

- [Voiceover] How many thousands of dollars'

worth of cereal can a kid that age really eat?

When women like your ex get divorced,

they think they're gonna become bag ladies.

She's not gonna become a bad lady,

she'll always find someone to buy her a $1,500 handbag.

- That's it.

- [Voiceover] That's it.

- Oh no, don't worry about it.

- Nah, I mean come on.

- No I'm serious, your money's no good here.

Call me in the morning, let's go for

a run if you can still handle it, all right?

- Okay, I'm down.

Suddenly I felt like a normal guy

just having a drink with my buddies

and waiting on my sweetheart.

(moaning)

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, pull back!

(gentle acoustic guitar music)

(vomiting)

- Heads up.

Crazy Eyes, six o'clock.

- So did you shave your whole body?

- No, I chickened out.

I went home and got drunk instead.

- Sounds healthy.

- Mmmhm.

- Let me buy you a drink.

Dan!

- [Rebecca] Did we have sex last night?

- [Zach] No, are you joking?

- No.

- You made me stop.

- [Rebecca] Oh.

- [Zach] Yeah.

- Sorry.

- [Zach] Yeah, it's okay.

Whatever.

(phone rings)

Hello?

- Zach, I'm in the hospital.

Your father's had a stroke.

(dramatic music)

- How's he doing?

- [Voiceover] They think he's gonna be all right.

I found him crawling around on the kitchen

floor vomiting and speaking in tongues.

(techno music)

- These margaritas are okay, but my uncle

owns this bar in the valley and he

makes the best margarita mix ever.

He's world famous for it.

- Really?

- [Autumn] Mmmhm.

My God, Zach, I have totally got to get you some.

I mean you would really love it.

- Yeah, I like margaritas too.

- Yeah, you can tell a lot about

a person from what they drink.

- Get off of me.

- No.

- Get off of me.

You can't unless you choke me until I'm unconscious.

- Will you let me fuck you if I

choke you until you're unconscious?

- That's the only way.

- Okay.

Turn on your side so it doesn't hurt you when I do it.

(coughing)

Aw, we're wasted.

(coughing)

This is a bad idea.

What if you didn't wake up?

(gasps)

- Fuck.

- Oh God.

- Oh God.

- (groans) Fuck, I'm so hungover.

- I'm not even hungover, I'm still drunk.

I slept in my contacts and my eyes are all goopy,

and fuck, my whole day is wasted, I'm wasted.

- So what are you doing today?

- Nothing.

We slept until four in the afternoon and I'm still drunk.

- Maybe we could finally catch

that Hieronymus Bosch exhibit.

- [Rebecca] Stop trying to grab my hair and ride me.

- [Zach] Woo woo!

- [Rebecca] Let go of me.

- [Zach] Yeehaw!

- [Rebecca] Get off me!

- Zach's rich right?

- Yeah, yeah, he's...

He's a millionaire.

- [Autumn] I wish I could just be Zach's wife.

- [Voiceover] Whenever you're ready.

- [Dan] Thank you.

I got this one.

- Leave a big tip 'cause I plan on coming back here.

- [Voiceover] Turn left in 300 yards.

- Hey, what are you doing, I said go straight.

Why are you listening to that bitch again?

- I'm just trying to go to the bar.

- [Rebecca] Well take your pick,

you wanna listen to that bitch or to me?

(chuckles)

- [Zach] I don't know.

(phone rings)

- What?

- [Voiceover] Hey baby, what are you doing?

- Zach was just taking me to the Hieronymus Bosch exhibit,

but now we're just gonna go to

the bar and get drunk instead.

- This guy is a total dick.

You tell him that I'm gonna kick his fucking ass.

(giggles)

- [Rebecca] I'm not gonna tell him that.

I'll talk to you later.

- Who was that?

- My boyfriend, he says he's gonna kick your ass.

That's all, no biggie.

Don't worry about a thing.

- I think mold did this.

I think even here there's black mold.

- Zach.

Zach.

Oh, there you are.

Hey, let's get out of this fucking place.

This bed sucks.

I'm tied down.

Why, why am I tied down?

What is this place, Thailand?

- Dad, you had a stroke, you're in the hospital.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Was it bad?

- Well it wasn't good.

- There's a lump behind me.

There's something behind me.

- It's a tube, they put a tube in your back.

- I think it's a dead body.

Yeah, they got me tied to a dead body.

Your mother did this to me.

(toy dinosaur roars)

- Godzilla isn't real, but God is.

- [Zach] Who told you that?

- I don't know.

- Who told you God is real?

- No one dad, no one told me that God is real.

- Okay, good.

'Cause it's not true.

- I know, but many people believe it is.

- [Zach] Yeah, but many people are stupid.

Okay?

You know that?

- Yeah.

(rock music)

(playful humming)

(phone rings)

- Is that your son's mom?

- No, Latisha.

- Ugh, psycho ex-girlfriend, even worse.

- Yeah, I'm not gonna answer it.

- Why don't you just turn your phone off?

- Can't, what if it's an emergency with my son?

My dad's in the ICU.

(phone rings)

- She's fucking crazy!

- I know.

(phone rings)

- [Voiceover] You can't just show up here and

fuck me whenever you want and them just leave.

- I love this show.

(laughing)

(phone rings)

- We might need an escape.

- You wanna go get a drink?

- Yeah, sounds good.

- Let's to go the bar, I need a drink.

Psycho.

Hey I gotta pee, will you order me a Rebecca?

- Okay.

- Zach my man, hey, what's happening, bro?

- [Zach] Plenty.

- Hey, Latisha's been calling me

burning up the phone lines asking about you.

Girl's crazy dude, she's driving me nuts.

- Crazy Eyes needs a vanilla Stoli with ginger ale.

- No, she doesn't need a vanilla Stoli.

- Yeah yeah, she needs a Rebecca.

- [Dan] A Rebecca?

I've never even heard of a Rebecca,

it's a stupid, gross drink.

- Dude, you gotta make the girl a Rebecca,

she asked me to get one with cherry.

- I'm not doing that shit for you.

- [Zach] What are you talking about?

- Dan Drake, will you do me a favor

and put extra extra cherries in mine?

- Yeah.

- Thank you.

- I need to get the hell outta here,

man, I need to escape from this place.

- We just got here.

- No, I mean LA, I can't stand LA anymore.

- Where are we to go to?

- I don't know.

Maybe New York.

You wanna come with me?

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Yay!

Cheers!

- Cheers.

- Yay.

- You can get off work and everything?

- Yeah.

Let's get belligerent.

- Let's get wasted.

- Yeah.

- You're a total dick, man.

You shook my hand and you immediately

tried to fuck my girlfriend.

- No no, what I did was I shook your

hand and then I did fuck your girlfriend.

(girl shrieks) (glass breaks)

- [Zach] Get him, Dan!

Get him!

Give him another one!

- Stay down, motherfucker!

- [Zach] I don't care what people say about Dan Drake.

He's my friend and a genuine good person.

Whatever, it's all just whisky under the bridge.

- Come on, stop it!

Come on, stop it, stop it, get him outta here!

Take him outta here!

Get him out!

Come on!

- Fucking idiot.

- [Dan] This is my bar!

(phone rings)

- I thought I told you not to call me anymore.

- I want your dick in my mouth.

- It's 4:30 in the morning.

- I just want your dick so bad it hurts.

- Rebecca.

Rebecca, you up?

Okay.

My dick's in your mouth.

Yeah, what do you do?

(moaning)

(dog whining)

(whispers) Oh yeah, nice little pussy.

- [Latisha] I wanna feel your cum dripping out of me.

(dramatic music)

- Dad, you know my grandpa with the really old face?

- Yeah.

- He died.

- No, your grandfather, he is very

sick and he's in the hospital,

but he isn't dead, I just talked

to him today, he didn't die.

- He died.

- No, I don't think so.

- I know dad, I'm just kidding.

But he's gonna die soon.

- Yeah, well, you know...

Eventually everybody dies, buddy.

- Everybody?

Even you?

Even me?

- Yeah, everybody.

- When we die, how do we go?

- Nobody knows.

I'm going to New York, but it's just for the weekend, okay?

- I just want you to have as close

a bond with your son as possible.

- Mom, it's for the weekend.

Max is gonna be fine.

- I'm so worried about him.

- Who are you worried about, dad or my son?

- All three of you.

I just, I just don't have the words.

- Jack, Jack, I'm in Puerto Rico.

(chuckles) There was some colorful

birds in my room the other day.

- All the men in my life are leaving me.

- You're not a good ex-husband.

- I want your dick in my mouth.

- I wish I could just be Zach's wife.

- God.

- Fucking Autumn, man.

Always bitching about getting too old,

not having enough money, she needs more money.

- Really?

I thought she was a lingerie designer.

- Lingerie designer?

There's no such thing as a lingerie designer, man.

It's just a string that goes up

your ass and it's either black or pink.

- God.

These fucking women.

I mean...

That's all they want.

That is all they want!

I mean I just can't take it anymore, man!

I just can't fucking take it anymore!

I'm fucking sick of this shit, man!

I can't take these fucking girls!

- Whoa, what is it about this intersection?

You always flip out about chicks

at this same intersection?

- Do I always do that here?

- [Dan] Yeah you do, every time for a year now.

- I don't know, I think it's that

weird pink building right there.

- Yup, pink like pussy.

(laughing)

- I just can't go on anymore.

(sobs) Oh God.

- Whoa, what do you mean you can't go on, dude?

Wait, hold on, whoa, Zach, you can't

just stop in the middle (car honks)

of thinks man, you're driving here.

- [Voiceover] Hey move your fucking car, man!

- My heart.

My heart feels like it's wiggling around.

- Yeah, I'm sure it probably does feel all wiggly.

- Fuck.

Man, I need a drink.

- [Dan] Yeah?

- I need a drink.

- Okay, what?

- I need a bar.

- [Dan] Are you all right?

- [Zach] I gotta get out of this town.

I gotta go to New York.

Some struggle fuck, some corner fuck, I even

know a guy who swears by the surround fuck.

But all that's just old line in new bottles.

My technique, the New York fuck,

never fails because what's more romantic

than flying her to New York, getting her

drunk, and taking her on a horsey ride

right down the middle of Times Square?

(jazzy acoustic guitar music)

Well if there's anything I can do to help, let me know.

- Buy me a house in Venice.

Eh?

(chuckles)

Come on.

- If you started having sex with me,

then maybe I'll buy you a house.

- It would be bad sex.

- I don't care.

- I'm not a whore.

- It wouldn't be prostitution.

I mean we're really close.

I think it would actually be really natural and loving.

Whores fuck people they don't even know.

- I fuck people I don't even know.

- Well then you're a whore already.

(jazzy music)

(loud knocking)

- Hey.

- Aww, what are you doing there, baby?

- I have to pee.

- [Zach] (mumbles)?

- [Rebecca] No!

- All right, come on.

- Okay!

(grunting)

No!

Get off of me!

- (laughs) Stop.

(laughing)

You little, hey, hold still, you wiggly little salamander.

(laughing)

You're the salamander.

(screaming)

- Ow!

- What's this?

- I think you bit me last night.

- Oh.

Well you must've been trying to rape me.

- Maybe, but at this point I don't think

it would even be rape, it would just be...

Kinky sex basically.

In fact, I could probably...

Rape you right now.

And your case would never hold up.

In fact, you would just look like a whore.

- It looks like it's getting infected.

It's probably gonna scar.

- Yeah.

You probably left a permanent mark on my body.

- Good.

(phone rings)

- Hello?

- You're busted.

I know you're with that girl Rebecca.

- Okay, well I guess that's it then.

- [Latisha] What do you mean that's it?

- Well I guess that's that then, huh?

- [Latisha] If you're in New York

and we're breaking up right now,

then you have to come do it in person.

- Well I, I mean...

All right, I'll, I'm gonna figure out...

What to do and then I'll call you back, okay?

- [Latisha] Bye.

- Who was that?

- [Zach] That was Latisha.

- What?

How does she know we're here?

- [Zach] I honestly have no idea,

did you post something online?

- Of course.

What's she gonna do, come here and kill us?

- (chuckles) No.

Look, let me just go over there and break up with her.

- You broke up with her months ago.

(soft scat music)

- Hey.

How you doing?

Didn't you wanna talk about something?

What do you wanna say?

(dog whines)

(door slams)

(playful humming)

- Hey!

How'd it go?

- It went.

- Well what happened?

- It happened.

- How'd she take it?

- She took it.

- Hey, you wanna get matching tattoos?

Huh?

- Yeah, well how about this, I got an idea,

why don't you get one and then if

I want one later, then I'll get one.

- I want it on my lower back,

but I don't want it to be a tramp stamp.

- That's what a tramp stamp is.

- No, I just want it to be a cute

little wiggly salamander crawling

up to the inside of my pants.

- I'm not saying not to get it

on your lower back, I'm just saying

that's what a tramp stamp is.

That's what they call it.

I'm getting a call, I'll be there.

- Hey.

So do you guys do tattoos here?

- [Ex] Ho ho ho, merry Christmas.

- What?

It's Christmas?

Shit. (laughing)

- No no, it's not, but it's coming up soon and I

was just wondering what you're planning for Max.

- Oh, well I'm in Manhattan so maybe I'll

go up to FAO Schwarz and I'll get him something.

- What about a piano?

- [Zach] A piano?

- Zach, it's a scientific fact

that it's good for his brain, okay?

And it's a healing thing, we've discussed this.

- Maybe I'll get him a piano for my house.

- Think you could run down to the store and

buy me some Aquaphor for my tattoo, rub on it?

Hmm?

(phone rings)

- Hi, Zach.

It's been so long since I heard from you.

Where you been?

- I'm in Vermont right now, it's really beautiful.

I'm surrounded by nine foot walls of snow everywhere.

Anyway, you wanna hang out tomorrow night

'cause I could come to New York,

I could fly out there and we could hang out.

- Really?

You'd fly here just to see me?

- Well yeah.

We could go to the Aquagrill or something like that.

What do you think?

- Hey!

- [Zach] Look what I've got for you.

- Great!

- Want me to put it on your tattoo?

- [Rebecca] Yes please.

- All right.

- Ah!

- That all right?

- Yeah.

- Hey, do you mind if I stay in

New York for a couple more days?

Just wanna do some more Christmas shopping

and see some of my friends out here.

- Yeah, that's fine.

I gotta get back though.

- Okay.

(loud smack)

Calculations collapse, formulas fail.

Even the New York fuck didn't work on Crazy Eyes.

Now I'm left scavenging the abyss with a hungry ghost.

Harlots like these are the price guys like me have to pay.

(jazzy piano music)

(moaning)

- [Max] Cool!

Thanks, dad.

- Hey, I'm sorry that I told you God doesn't exist.

I'm sorry about that 'cause I

don't really know that that's true.

(sneezes)

Bless you.

I don't think anybody really knows

though, you know what I mean?

The thing is if He does exist,

then he might be even more of a

monster than Godzilla because people

who believe in Him blow each other up.

- I know, maybe there is a God.

♫ I'm the queen of darkness

♫ Black leather harness

♫ Damn I look cute

♫ But I'm far from harmless

♫ Don't be alarmed, it's just me

♫ Siri, please (mumbles)

♫ Bitches think I'm crazy

♫ Slash bride lazy

♫ Bet you can't (mumbles) baby

♫ (mumbles) candles, ashes on the mantle

♫ Other boys they found me just

♫ A little too hard to handle

♫ Damn yo, this is just a side gig

♫ I'm chilling here, and it's all

♫ Because, well, I'm just throwing it

♫ Y'all think I'm not seeing different

♫ Everywhere it's relevant

♫ Choke that boy, those guys were gas

♫ Just to see let's get in this scrap

♫ Calm down, (mumbles) I got you on your knees

♫ See a little pledge and now I'm getting hungry ♫

- I'm gonna puke.

(crowd counting down)

- [Crowd] Five, four, three, two, one!

(vomits)

(cheering)

(dance music)

♫ And this is what the devil does

♫ And this is what the devil does

♫ And this is what the devil does

♫ And this is what the devil does ♫

(groaning)

- [Dan] Light years later and you're the

same, but everyone you knew is dead.

- Hey Zach, oh my God.

Zach, we are having the coolest.

(laughing)

Conversation about time and space and the universe.

- [Zach] No you're not.

- Rebecca, do some coke so you can hang out with us.

- No no no no no no, I don't want her

to do, don't give her coke.

I don't wanna stay up all night.

- [Autumn] What?

But it's New Year's!

I don't know why you guys think

I'm such a horrible person.

You're the only ones who think that,

everyone else thinks I'm a sweetheart.

- We don't think you're a horrible person,

we just know that you're not a sweetheart, that's all.

- [Autumn] You think I'm a bitch?

- [Dan] I didn't say you were a bitch, okay?

I'm just saying you're not a sweetheart,

none of your friends have ever thought so,

and nobody would ever say Autumn

is a sweetheart in a sentence.

- (sobs) So you're saying everyone

thinks I'm a horrible person?

- Just the way it is.

- Fuck you, you fucking asshole!

- Ow, stop it!

- I'm a fucking sweetheart!

I'm a fucking sweetheart!

- [Dan] Stop it!

- [Autumn] Everyone thinks I'm a sweetheart!

- She is kinda a sweetheart.

(dramatic music)

- It's really bad luck not to have sex on New Year's day.

- I think maybe we're just friends.

- Well maybe I'm confused because you come

here and you sleep every night naked in my bed,

and my friends call you my girlfriend.

- I don't know, I'm confused.

I like hanging out with you, I still want

you to take me to the Hieronymus Bosch exhibit.

- I don't wanna take you to the Hieronymus Bosch exhibit.

Unless you have wild, passionate sex with me before.

And after.

- I'm sure all of his creepy weird

sexual paintings will help.

- Yeah, it can't hurt.

- I think you should stop trying to have sex with me.

Think maybe we're just friends.

- I mean I don't want you to think I'm mad at you,

but I'm really bored just sitting here not

trying to have sex with you, so...

I'm gonna go have a beer with Dan Drake.

- Okay, fine, I'm leaving then.

- Okay, fine.

Maybe I'll just start drinking right now.

(coughing violently)

- Ah, that was water!

- That was my contact lenses,

you just drank my contact lenses.

You are such an alcoholic!

Happy fucking New Year!

- Hey Kim, it's Zach.

I was thinking about you, just wanted to

see what you've been up to, if you want to

go for drinks or get some dinner.

Call me back.

Hey Melissa, it's Zach.

Been thinking about you, just wanted to

see if you want to get some drinks or go to dinner.

Give me a call.

Erica?

Hey, it's Zach.

- It's a good thing it's over, man.

- You think so?

- Yeah, I mean I can take it if

a certain weird courtship with Crazy Eyes

brought you to a darker place than ever.

- You're right, man.

- [Dan] Fuck those bitches.

- Yeah, you're right.

They'll never hurt us again.

(woman shrieking)

(glasses shatter)

- [Voiceover] Hold him, hold!

Get him, get him!

(loud whack)

(radio tuning)

- What am I all wet?

What am I all wet?

What am I all wet?!

- I'll tell you what though, those guys

are never coming back in here ever.

- I know man, that was like a goddamn Vietcong ambush.

And you know what, you wouldn't have gotten

hit if you had just let me knock

the guy out in the first place.

- What are you talking about?

You did knock him out in the first place.

They hit me before we even saw him.

- What are you talking about?

I was the one who knocked the guy out.

I was the one that did that, okay?

(Rebecca sobbing)

(police radio chatter)

- [Voiceover] Come over here.

Have you been drinking?

- What?

- [Voiceover] Have you been drinking?

- No!

Shit.

- [Voiceover] Come on.

- [Rebecca] Where are you putting me, I'm not drunk!

(sobbing)

Hey, you guys (mumbles)?

(coughing violently)

- [Zach] I woke up hungover this morning,

but I didn't drink last night.

Or did I?

The world seemed like it was trying to come to an end.

The city holding us together was falling apart.

All I could think about was Crazy Eyes.

I couldn't remember why we were possessed,

but the fact was that it was too late.

The tires had already hit the ice and nothing

could change the next series of events.

(jazzy music)

- You didn't have to bail me out.

- Whatever.

- My car's totally totaled, my license is suspended.

My boss just called up and fired me.

I hate my life.

- [Voiceover] Make a u-turn when possible.

- Turn that bitch off!

- Look, I gotta stop by the hospital,

I have to check on my father, okay?

- I was just at the hospital.

- Yeah, well I wanna see how my

dad's doing, so I'm gonna go to the hospital.

- They're gonna think you beat me up.

- [Zach] Hey.

- Do you finally have a new friend?

What's your name, she's cute.

- Rebecca.

- It's very good to meet you.

- Hey mom.

- Hi.

Oh, they said we could probably

take him home in a week or so.

I wish I could take you two out

for dinner or something, but I

stopped going to restaurants

because of my mold hypersensitivity.

- So Crazy Eyes is moving off to upstate

New York or wherever the hell she's from.

- Good.

I always told you that girl was a cunt.

Your life is gonna be unimaginably better without her.

- Yeah, I guess so.

(gunshot)

- Mr. Drake!

What have you been up to?

- Hey Andrew.

- Hey.

- Just masturbating and crying as usual.

(laughing)

This is Zach.

- [Andrew] Anybody shooting full beers

with a BB gun at noon is cool by me.

- Yeah, he's cool.

- You still selling cocaine?

- Yeah, only to discrete customers.

Come on.

- [Andrew] I don't do cocaine.

I just throw it on pussy.

Makes the clitoris grow to the size of your finger.

- [Dan] Haven't heard that.

- Yeah, but personally, I've never done the stuff.

(gunshot)

- Right.

- I can't tell you if that was

any good or not 'cause I don't do it.

- [Dan] No shit.

(gunshot)

Hey!

That was my fucking bird feeder, man!

- Come on, it's not the worse thing I've ever done.

(gentle scat singing)

Hey.

- Hey.

- You haven't gotten much progress done, huh?

Nice unicorn.

- It's a horse.

No horn.

I don't need a fucking snow globe right now.

- It's nice in there.

Don't you sometimes wanna just

move inside of one of those things?

- Maybe you have time and money to

sit around wishing you could move inside

a snow globe, but I have real problems.

- So...

You wanna go get a drink?

- Of course.

- All right folks, that's it, we're closing down!

Closing time!

(groans and boos)

- [Bob] Let's go, thank you!

Keep rolling people, let's go!

- I bet sometime soon you're gonna wanna

hang out with a girl that'll actually fuck you.

- Stay the fuck away from us!

- Hey, come on, I'm just messing around.

You know I like to play.

(glass shatters)

- [Rebecca] I'll kill you, cunt!

(screaming)

Fucking bitch!

Kill you!

(choking)

- Let me at that crazy bitch!

- I'm gonna have to move back in with my mom and dad.

I don't know what I'm gonna do with all my stuff.

- Just try to relax.

You can stay here for a few days

while we try to sort it out.

- I'm just going through a rough time

right now, I don't know how many times

I have to say the same fucking thing,

I'm not your fucking girlfriend.

(phone rings)

- Hello?

I see.

(dramatic music)

- My life fucking sucks.

I have nothing and you're a rich

asshole with no feelings, you don't

even know what it's like to struggle.

I wanna die, you're a useless, unresponsive alcoholic!

(door slams)

- Donald Raizman has gone past us.

Earth is the beginning, death is a destination.

- I'm sorry.

Hey, do you wanna say something to daddy?

- Thanks for the piano, daddy.

- Go give your daddy a hug.

- [Zach] I love you, buddy.

- I love you too, daddy.

- Bye.

(gentle scat singing)

- [Zach] Some people say you become

a man when your dad dies.

I don't give a fuck what people say.

All I could think about was Crazy Eyes.

- You know my grandpa with the really old face?

(gasping)

He died.

- Maybe you have time and money to

sit around wishing you could move inside

a snow globe, but I have real problems.

(phone rings)

Hello?

- [Zach] Hey.

- Hey.

- Sorry I haven't called you back in a couple weeks.

My father passed away.

- Sorry.

- How you been?

- [Rebecca] Good, I've been back here in New York.

Working in my aunt's bar.

Getting hit on by creepy old men.

- Hey listen, as it turns out the Hieronymus

Bosch exhibit is going to New York next week.

(chuckles)

- Yay.

(upbeat french accordion music)

- I was supposed to leave today, but...

I was thinking I could just stay with you

and we could get haircuts and you

could get your matching tattoo.

- I thought you said three days, right?

- Yeah, well there was all this stuff

that I thought I had to do, but it turns

out it's fell through and I could stay

here with you if you want me to.

Don't you want me to?

- You remember what you said about the Earth

not moving and love and all that stuff?

- Mmmhm.

- I just think maybe you were right, you know?

- (laughs) I thought you didn't

care about any of that stuff.

- Yeah.

I thought I didn't care about it either.

But I...

What time's your train?

- It's at two.

- Yeah, so you still have plenty of

time to finish packing and get over there.

Here's some money for a cab and train ticket and stuff.

- I'm just one of your girls now.

Is that what you really wanted?

- I don't want anything anymore.

It's just that you were right and I was wrong.

- All this time I didn't love you because

I thought you were too nice a guy, but it turns

out you're the biggest asshole in the world.

(erratic piano music)

(phone rings)

- Hello?

- [Zach] Hey Britney, it's Zach.

- Hey Zach.

Good to hear from you.

- Dad, are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm okay.

- Hello?

- I'm just a little sad about your

grandfather being gone, you know?

- Dad, if there's no God or Heaven, where did grandpa go?

- Nobody knows.

- I get sad when things change,

like when you move into your own house.

- Yeah, I get sad about it too.

Everything always changes.

- But a kid doesn't change, right?

- Yeah, that's true.

That's right, a kid doesn't change.

- Dad?

- Hmm?

- What does breaking up mean?

- Breaking up?

I don't know.

All I know is it's different every time.

- Like snowflakes?

- Yeah, yeah, exactly like snowflakes.

- Hey dad?

- Yeah?

- If you gotta fight a monster,

put a bone in your nose.

- (laughs) That's the smartest thing I've heard all day.

I could tell you pleasing details,

like maybe I quit drinking or

I ended up with a beautiful girl,

but I don't feel like telling you stuff

like that 'cause if I told, and it was true,

then I'd probably mess it up like everything else.

(gentle piano music) (soft humming)

♫ Throw your arms about me

♫ Like a net cast to the sea

♫ Tell me your thoughts about me

♫ Tell me you'll never leave

♫ You'll never leave, you'll never leave

♫ Place your lips to mine

♫ Like a flower loves a bee

♫ Tell me your dreams about me

♫ Make sure that I believe

♫ I believe, I believe

♫ Raise your legs and squeeze me

♫ Like a spider eats the fly

♫ Tell your desires of me

♫ And tell me the reason why

♫ The reason why, the reason why

(harmonica solo)

♫ Hold your love to me

♫ Like the sun pinned to the sky

♫ Show me your feelings for me

♫ And swear that you'll always be mine

♫ Always be mine, always be mine

♫ Give me your (mumbles)

♫ Like blood clots in your head

♫ Tell me the days you'll love me

♫ And make sure I understand

♫ I understand, I understand

♫ Speak these words to me

♫ Like the gospel spoke unto you

♫ And I'll believe your story

♫ And know that you'll be true

♫ You'll be true, you'll be true ♫