Original subtitles

Come on, blue team. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Left, left, left, right, left.

- Come on.

Come on.

This way, boys.

That's it, keep going, guys.

- Here we go. Nearly there.

Blakefield!

Come on, son. One step in front of the other.

- Let's go.

Who dares wins.

Hang on, gang.

- What a hero!

One way or another, we've got to get you home, Dean.

Helicopter ambulance?

In your dreams.

They don't want me.

Well, more fool them.

- I have got some secret rations. - You do?

If you get on board the canoe. Come on.

- I'll bring him in the red team. - Copy that.

Go, go, go!

Come on, son. Come on, Twiglet.

Here we go.

- Nice and steady.

- Two, three.

Come on.

Okay, come on. In your teams.

We'd have won if it hadn't been for him.

Remember the Marine Corps motto, Lola.

"Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?"

No. "No man left behind."

We're a good team.

That's what counts.

Caring for folk.

Much more important than winning.

Right, come on then, blue team. Big cheer.

- Yay!

Lovely.

Red team?

- Yay. - Oh.

What about another photo of the winning team with the cup, Mrs Horsfall?

How about a photo of the caring team?

Jeanie?

Dave, can I call you back?

I need a chocolate cake.

What?

I need a chocolate cake.

A big 'un.

Well, go and get one.

I can't.

Can you?

Dave, I'm working.

J-Jean's having an affair.

What?

You heard.

Do you want squirty cream?

Yeah.

Here, kid. Kid.

Stand there, hold this like this, and you won't get run over, all right?

Safe as houses.

The nurse says they're not gonna fit you with a pacemaker

until you've got a bit of meat on you.

So

- What's that? - It's tripe, love.

What's-- What's tripe?

Cow's stomach.

Well, cow's second stomach, apparently. It's more tasty.

Best thing for an invalid.

My mum always used to give me that when I was sick.

Go on, tuck in.

Malnutrition in this day and age.

It's not done that dicky ticker of yours any favours, either.

That's very kind of you, Dennis,

but I was thinking more, you know, bacon sarnie.

I have food.

- Uh, no, no, no, no. - Oh.

Lovely, kid. That's great.

Very reviving for Mr Horse.

MSC, we've discussed this.

They feed 'em to invalids in his bit of Korea.

Apparently, it's very nutritious.

He had them flown over, especially.

- Oh, especially for me? - Mmm.

For you. Very rare.

Oh, God.

All the way from Korea, eh?

Do you know what?

The tripe looks a lot more appealing than you'd think.

Well, maybe just try one, you know?

See what it's like. Make him happy.

Well, why don't you try it and make him happy?

Uh, he definitely got them for you, Horse.

Sorry, mate, I don't think I--

Here.

Wh-What's it like?

It's, um

It's quite nice, actually.

Not bad.

Yeah, go on.

Mmm.

Say when.

What about your arteries? Your heart?

Already broken.

- Might be death by chocolate for nothing.

I mean, where's the proof?

He called her "Jeanie".

That's it?

I abandoned my post for that?

Jeanie's my pet name for her.

It doesn't prove anything.

Well, in school, in the corridor, I saw them hugging.

Fifty-fifty.

Every bugger's hugging these days.

And then she legs it in front of half the school,

and now she's not answering her phone.

- Conclusive. - "Conclusive."

We are gonna do some proper evidence gathering. Get ready.

- Come on.

Whoa.

Pink bedroom and a bloody hot tub?

Who lives in that gaff?

They want a piece about you. Your life.

Yeah, right. If I give them me, I'll have no chance, will I?

Council estate, criminal record, and less GCSE's than the school hamster.

Not giving them that shit.

In this case, that old shit's gonna get you into college.

That's the grit that makes you the pearl, love.

I wish I'd had your talent when I was in a band.

That's what she sounded like.

Thank you, Mother.

Well, she weren't good enough. That's why she never got anywhere.

We're trying to rehearse here, Mother.

Yeah, well, this doodah won't work.

- It won't turn over.

Hiya, Des. Sorry, love, you're-- You're gonna have to get the bus.

Yeah, but I've got my keyboard.

Would you just leave it there?

We can pick it up tomorrow before the audition.

All right?

Got a bit of a situation on here.

Mom, you don't need to throw cushions at him.

Here you are.

She's taken against the Dark Destroyer. Didn't like his hair.

You all right?

My dad's just sacked me off.

He says he's gotta stay with Dave

'cause he just found out Mrs Horsfall's been having it off with Dishy Dilip.

I'm sorry?

It's what my dad said.

Mrs Horsfall? Dilip?

Yeah. Pretty messy, right?

You gotta go, love.

Uh, we'll sort your keyboard out later.

Let's get your coat, Mother.

We're going out.

Tosser.

It's a doorbell.

Innocent until proven guilty.

Now, don't say anything.

I'll handle this, all right?

Well, you've got a bloody cheek after pushing me in that lake.

- I hope your phone's fucked. - What did I just say?

Actually, my phone is waterproof. Up to ten metres.

Will it survive me ramming it up your arse?

Dave, we agreed.

Good afternoon.

Apologies for my mad friend here,

but for some reason, he's under the mistaken impression

that you and his wife have been having carnal relations.

Jean.

And you.

Ridiculous, I know.

I-I-I mean, I told him that there's no way.

I mean, ne-- never in a million--

For fuck's sake, set him straight, will ya?

We're in love.

- You-- Get back here. Back here, you. - Hey, hey. Hey, hey.

- How long's it been going on? - Geez.

Can we leave the third degree till you're not gonna kill us?

Have you been in my house?

Don't you shrug at me.

You know this is virtually kidnapping?

Answer the question. Have you had sex with my wife in my bed?

Jesus. Nought to fucking 60 there, Dave.

- Have you? - No.

Have you had sex with my wife in my kitchen?

Please tell me we're not going round the whole house.

No.

Have you had sex with my wife in-- on my stairs?

Course he hasn't, mate.

- The stairs? Think of your back.

Sofa?

Oh, I knew it.

I'm not even allowed to sit on that sofa in my work gear and eat--

How many times?

Oh. God.

- Where's the cafe? - There isn't one.

Oh, what's the bloody point, then?

Knew I'd find you here.

Lovely Jean.

'Ey up, chicken, Jean.

The daily woman's dragging me all up here.

God knows why, but she needs the exercise. Right?

Come on, Mother. Park yourself.

On that dirty bench?

Right.

- Sit here and admire the view. - Okay.

- Jean and I are just having a little chat.

So

- You heard. - Oh, yeah, I heard.

It's awful, Hetty.

I feel so guilty.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

And you're expecting sympathy? From me?

- Well, I was-- - There's selfish, and then there's you.

You're in a different league, Jean.

Olympic standard selfish bitch.

- You what? - It had to be Dilip, didn't it?

The one bloke I fancied, and it had to be him.

Oh, come on.

We're not in the playground anymore.

You can't just bags someone.

You'd already bagsed Dave!

- Your husband. - Do you think I've been happy?

What's that got to do with anything?

You're married. I'm single.

My bloody shout.

Oh, grow up.

And for your information, all that smutty innuendo you throw at Dilip, you--

You're not his type.

You never were.

Yeah, he goes for the married type.

I get it now.

And you're fool enough to fall for it.

No thought for Dave, right?

Of all people.

Poor man.

You don't know what our life has been like.

So thanks for the lecture, Hetty--

Where has she gone?

There's her car. I knew it.

Frenemy's here.

- Who? - Hetty.

Music teacher.

Jean sacked her.

Having a good run, your Jean, ain't she?

It's not my Jean, apparently.

Come on.

Mum!

Mum!

- Margaret! - Mum!

Margaret.

Het. Hetty.

Can you carry Tallulah for a bit?

Tell you what.

When you stop wrecking my life, I'll start carrying your handbag.

Sound fair?

Mum!

Margaret!

Mum!

You want a moment, Dave?

Nah, it's only a bench.

Here. Don't sit on that, pal.

- Dave's bench. - How can it be "his"? It's a bench.

Oh, God. I didn't know. Jean never said--

There's a lot you don't know, pal.

I'm sorry.

- What's up? - Nothing.

The rehearsal were rubbish.

It's just nerves.

It'll go great tomorrow.

I'm not going.

Of course you are.

Nah. There's no point.

You can't just not go.

Can if I want.

Don't be a wanker, Destiny.

Spicy.

Yeah, and what's it to you?

You love music.

Nuh-uh.

- I got better things to do. - Like what?

Come on. I'll show ya.

- No. - Definitely not.

Don't.

Wait up.

Mum!

Margaret!

Come on, Tallulah. Do your poos.

Poo-poo, poo-poo.

- Margaret! - Oh, you're putting her off.

She can't do her business while you're yelling like that.

She needs to feel comfortable.

Who brings a constipated canine pan scrubber on a manhunt?

Says the woman who dragged her mother to a forest in the middle of bloody nowhere.

You don't get to tell me where I take her.

And you don't get to stick your nose into my sex life.

It was supposed to be my sex life!

Oh, get in the real world.

Do you know what, Jean?

In the real world, everything I've wanted, you've always took.

Remember when I said I was going for deputy head?

And who fucking applied for it and got the job?

Little miss shoulder pads.

Deputy head? You're a bloody music teacher.

Well, I was until you sacked me.

Like I had a choice.

Deputy head.

You haven't got a clue how the real world works.

I'm wise to you, though.

Oh, fuck off. The jealous saddo who blames everyone for her problems,

and thinks a bottle of wine and a packet of fags will solve everything.

Oh, just fuck off.

- No, you fuck off. - No, you fuck off.

And I said it first.

No, you didn't. I said it first just then.

You think this is funny?

No.

I think

I think I've been really selfish and stupid.

And my throat hurts.

Anyway. Come on, come on, Tallulah.

Margaret!

Mum!

- Margaret! - Mum!

Getting right cold out there now.

What do you think they're doing?

I mean, it's not exactly walking weather, is it?

Should we be, uh, looking for 'em?

Yeah.

I was hoping for a no there, Dave.

Shouldn't someone wait in the car in case they come back?

Just a suggestion.

Tried to stop it happening.

I didn't want to put a bomb under my marriage. Course I didn't.

Well, you should have tried harder.

It didn't make any difference how I justified it.

I still felt like an absolute shit.

You are an absolute shit.

Mum!

I know.

I haven't slept properly in months.

Here, give us your bloody dog.

- Thanks, Het. - I'm only carrying it for five minutes.

Then I'm feeding it to the coyotes.

Jean!

- Netty! - Hetty!

This really isn't the best way to find 'em.

I mean, we've got no reception.

So, if they're back at the car, how would we know?

They can't call us.

- I'm just saying. - Should you be saying owt at all?

I've said I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry.

But an affair is just a sign.

What, that you're a shit?

No, that she wasn't happy.

- You-- - Hey, hey.

- What are you doing to me? - Hey, oi!

Get off me.

Don't poke the fucking bear, all right?

This is none of your business.

What are you protecting him for?

Or, uh, thanks for trudging through the fucking forest in the rain,

in the cold,

looking for some bloody woman who doesn't even like me.

Jean, you mad cow!

Mum!

God. Hetty, I'm dying for a wee.

- Shut up. Did you hear that?

Mum!

- Mum! Mum, we're here!

Oh, somebody brought me here and left me.

- I've got you now, Mum. - Oh.

Everything's gonna be all right.

- Who are you?

Oh, hey, Jean.

Trees freak me out.

We're nearly there. You're gonna love it.

Yeah, why am I thinking "not"?

Check that out. Private school with a swimming pool.

Come up here with Jonsy. Sells weed to sixth form.

And off goes the Jonsy alarm.

I'm not breaking and entering.

Breaking and entering?

My mum's already going on about sending me back to the rellies in Pakistan.

We don't need to break and enter.

Fire escape's open. It's where Jonsy does his deliveries.

Oh.

Well, if it's got Jonsy's seal of approval, what could go wrong?

- Come on.

Don't leave me with the trees.

- Jean! - Jean!

Ah, shit!

Sh--

Shit.

Dave!

Dave, are you there?

- What? - I need your help.

Oh, man. I think I twisted my ankle.

Not looking good for the blue team, eh?

And I think I've lost my shoe.

I was wondering what's the plan?

- The plan? - You and Jean.

Oh, Dave. Come on, I'm in pain here. Help me.

Okay.

There is no plan.

I don't have one.

I was offered a job at a start-up in Cornwall.

Educational consultancy.

It's a really good opportunity.

- Is she going with ya? - I don't know.

I honestly don't know.

Tourist board conspiracy is Cornwall.

We went to Penzance a year back.

It rained every bloody day.

We had a decent enough time, mind.

At least, I thought we did.

Guess we didn't.

You tell me.

What a mess.

I'm so sorry.

Come on, you one-shoed bastard.

Thanks.

Jean!

It's damp.

It'll be all right if we can get it going.

Need summat dry.

Hey, nylon's flammable. Give us your bra.

Use your own bra.

I need more support than you.

Well, we won't get many kilojoules out of mine.

It's Agent Provocateur.

Barely there.

Oh, yeah. Jean and her affair underwear.

Look where that's got us.

Come on. We need both bras.

Hey! I used to love a bit of slap and tickle.

I mean, who doesn't?

Well, I mean the daily woman doesn't.

All right, mum!

I mean, not with Jack, mind.

H-H-He were right cack-handed.

All that fondling about up top used to get right on my nerves.

He used to go at it like he were finding World Service on wireless.

I don't need to know this, Mother.

Jack was your father, right?

Eddy were better.

He knew what he were doing.

Eddy, Dad's brother?

I mean, I didn't even like Eddy.

That man couldn't put four words together without three of them being a lie.

Oh, thank God for that.

We just used to go to bed together when Jack were at Crown Green Bowling.

- Mum!

I think she's getting mixed up.

There you go. Eighty quid's worth.

You are basically paying for holes.

See? Spitting image of Eddy.

What did you just say?

Don't shout at me.

I didn't say anything.

Whoo-hoo!

Come on, Tabs. It'll be a laugh.

No, ta.

The water's dead warm.

It's like having a bath.

Please?

I can't swim.

Seriously?

Get in. I'll teach ya.

No. You're all right.

- Oh, piss off.

- Whoa!

I need food and my pills.

I have to take them together. The doctor said.

We cannot survive on mints.

We need proper food.

- What about that? - Tallulah?

Grandad had a farm.

I could break its neck, skin it, smoke it on fire. Tasty.

I'll brain her if she touches Tallulah.

What sort of daughter are you?

My rabble wouldn't let her speak to me like that.

You can't eat my friend's dog, Mum!

- Oh. - Thanks, Het.

Make the most of it. Last one.

Ta.

- I was jealous of you. - Me?

Who in their right mind would be jealous of me?

I'd lost my son.

You still had your daughter.

You had what I'd lost. What I could never get back.

My baby.

You had a lot on, so maybe you didn't notice,

but around that time,

Sean left me.

I was drinking half a bottle of vodka a day.

Izzy got put in temporary care and

blamed me for the whole thing.

To my mind, you had everything I wanted.

I'd have swapped with you in a heartbeat.

No, you wouldn't.

No, I wouldn't.

I don't know how you coped with losing Michael.

Well, we didn't, as it turns out.

That's why I'm stuck in the middle of bloody nowhere

with your mother, my dog, and my ex-best friend who hates me.

I worshipped you.

From shop floor in the co-op to deputy head in eight years.

What else could I do?

I thought if I surrounded myself with enough kids

then I wouldn't notice that the m--

That the most important one was missin'.

It's a fair theory.

Do you know,

me and Dave have never really talked about Michael?

He won't discuss it.

It's like he went silent for a year,

and then he just pretended it had never happened.

Like switching off a light. Click.

I'd be sitting there with Michael's things,

in what was supposed to be Michael's bedroom,

and I'd hear Dave outside, whistling.

Who whistles after that?

Life goes on, Jean.

Yeah. Well, maybe that's what Dilip was.

Life going on.

I'm not in the mood.

Anyway, there's not a lot else to spy, is there?

There's loads of stuff.

Leaves

soil

and, um

Maybe that's my problem.

No imagination.

Not one of life's great thinkers, me.

Not like you teachers, hey, Dilip?

Leave it.

Never discuss the caretaker's shortcomings with my wife?

Uh, maybe over the sofa?

Don't be dwelling on soft furnishings, Dave.

You're a kind man.

I didn't wanna hurt you.

Jean didn't wanna hurt you.

"Kind".

That's clever people talk for stupid, isn't it?

I spy with my little eye

something beginning with a complete and utter

C.

I think I know this one.

Want something to help you to sleep?

No, no, no. Thanks. I'm okay. I'm okay.

- You sure? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

I'm warm, and I don't have to feed the metre.

- Result.

Thanks, kidda.

Hey. Hey!

Come and see what I found.

Aw, it's right fancy.

Jesus.

This stuff's worth millions.

Oh, shit!

You're under arrest.

Stop! Don't move.

- You, stay there.

You'd think by the time we got to our age,

we'd have it all sorted out.

Now, you've fucked up your marriage, and I don't even know if my dad's my dad.

She was just winding you up.

Jean!

Did you hear that?

Jean!

- Dave!

Dave!

Dave, I'm over here!

I'm over here. Oh, Dave.

Dave! Thank Christ for that.

Alive then?

We-We got lost.

Margaret went on safari.

Don't worry.

Muggins here will tramp around all night long looking for you

- with your boyfriend. - What?

Dilip.

Hello.

Cal!

Yeah?

You all right?

Yeah.

Do you think they'll let us go to school?

Dunno.

What you missing?

Well, if it's just the morning, Maths and Chemistry.

But if we're charged, uh, my university place,

my career, uh, everything.

Right.

Sorry.

It's all right.

I'm really sorry, Tabs.

Stop saying that. It don't matter.

What about your mum?

They won't really send you back to Pakistan, will they?

Nah. Who'd fiddle the books if they did that?

Wow. Always a surprise with you.

Back--

Back at the school, you were messing, right?

Singing and that.

- No. - But

- What?

What about Cal?

Cal's a mate.

I love Cal, but not like that.

No? Like what though?

Do I really have to spell it out for ya?

You sort of do with me, I'm afraid.

Tabani, I would like to be your girlfriend.

Really?

Yeah, you div.

You're on.

- Right. We gotta get you to that audition. - No, Tabs. I'm not doing it.

You got music in your bones.

You're going. So, shut the fuck up.

Right. Honeymoon period over, then?

Yeah.

Oi! This is child abuse!

- You're holding us under false pretences.

Trespass is not a criminal offence!

Dave.

Dave.

Dave.

I'm sorry.

Sorry? No, thanks, Jean. Not interested in "Sorry."

You're welcome to him.

Seems like a nice fella.

Please? Can I call you later?

I told you. Nowt to say.

Come on, Mum.

Time to go home.

Watch a bit of telly, nice cup of tea.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm staying here, on my bench.

You've been out in the cold. You'll get poorly.

It's all right for you.

You're Mum's favourite. I'll be the one that gets it in the neck.

Mum, let's go, eh?

Oh, sod off, Joan.

- Joan? - Oh, it's her sister.

I'm staying here and that's that.

Now, Margaret, you know your mum will be worried about you, don't ya?

Worried? Hardly.

She'd be all lovey-dovey with our Joan, only I'll get a right good hiding.

Not when I've had a word with her.

I know your mother as a matter of fact.

And there'll be no hidings for anybody. You have my word on that.

Are you a police officer?

If you like.

But you can call me Gaz.

Well, where's your uniform?

Undercover, aren't I?

Oh.

- Our little secret, eh? - Mmm.

Now, let's get you home in time for Good Morning Britain.

Oh, is it that time?

Good idea.

Well, only if he comes too.

It'll be my pleasure.

I'll drop you home.

I'll just relieve my driver of his duties.

Dave.

Dismissed.

I want you next to me, Inspector.

She can bloody drive.

Where have you been hiding him?

You don't wanna go there.

The pensioner whisperer?

What's not to like?

You do know that's Destiny Schofield's dad?

- Oh, seriously? - Mmm.

You do have a knack of pissing on my chips, Jean.

Sorry.

Just us then.

Yep.

Now what?

I'll take you home.

Come on, Tallulah.

Up. Up. Come on.

Dr Shah. A & E on the phone.

Got ambulances queuing around the block.

Two cardiac arrests in need of beds and one on a trolley. I was wondering--

Tell them not a single bed free.

They're desperate.

Oh, God. I'll tell them myself.

What about this fellow? Can't we send him home?

He's too frail, and he's got no one at home.

You wanna come in?

I'm sorry, Dilip.

It was never gonna work between us.

I-- I haven't been honest with you,

with Dave,

with myself.

I thought it was working.

You're a beautiful man, Dil

but I-- I woke up.

I'm so sorry.