All language subtitles for The.Oh.In.Ohio.2006.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

MAN [ON TV]:
Rame, Rame Manorame.

WOMAN:
Rame, Rame Manorame.

MAN [ON TV]:
Om Sri Sita-Ramah
Sharanam Mama.

WOMAN:
Om Sri Sita-Ramah
Sharanam Mama.

MAN [ON TV]:
Breathe from your pelvis,

and meditate
on the movement of water.

Raise your Swadhisthana chakra.

This is the sexual center
of your being.

Om Soham.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Tsk. Wayne.

WAYNE [ON TV]:
What do you call
a lawn without a pool?

Well, I call it a yawn.

Hi, I'm Wayne the Pool Guy,

and I've been installing
swimming pools

in the Greater Cleveland area
since 1976.

Our service is classy,

and the pools
are definitely...

[SPLASH]
...splashy.

So take the yawn out
of your lawn,

and call me today
for a free estimate.

Oh, Wayne.

Come on in.
The water's fine.

[BOING]

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

That water is fine.

[WATER FILLING SOUND EFFECT]

[♪♪♪]

[CLICKS]

"Dear Mr. Knudsen,
I was delighted to hear

"of your company's interest
in relocating to Cleveland.

"Over the last decade,

"our city has
transformed itself

"from a decaying
industrial town

"into a vibrant,
world-class metropolis.

"What was the once
'the mistake by the lake'

is now
'the roar by the shore.'"

Do you know how many times
I've typed this letter?

No, but you do.

One thousand four hundred
and eighty-two times.

How sad is that?

[GIGGLES]

Oh, check this out.

It says here that
30 million American women

suffer from sexual
dysfunction.

Hm. Can you
believe that?

What do you mean
by sexual dysfunction?

As in, no payoff.

Oh. I thought you meant
something weird,

like a...

physical abnormality.

You don't think
30 million women is weird?

We're talking about
a chronic failure

to achieve orgasm.

[SNEEZES]

Think they could write about
something important. Ha, ha.

You don't think
orgasms are important?

I'd shoot myself
if I couldn't come.

[GASPS]

Thirty million women
would shoot themselves

if they couldn't come.

WOMAN:
Yeah, so I hear you tried that.

[CHATTERING]

[♪♪♪]

She's so hot.

Yeah, she is.

[BUZZING LOUDLY]

[GRUNTING]

[YELLS]

[BUZZES]

[SIGHS]

Hey, teacher.

You forgot
your sandwich.

MAN:
Nice performance, Jack.

Good impression
on the kids.

Hey. Blow me.

You know, I'm worried
about you, Jack.

You used to be
the most popular teacher

in Carmen High.

And now look
at you.

You're a shithead.

You think it
might be depression?

Why would
I be depressed?

I'm a biology teacher

in the Cleveland
public school system.

Uh-huh.

Well...

beside being
the football coach,

I'm also the school counselor
this year.

So if you have
any problems...

I'm here to hear.

Who taught you that?

I did. You like it?

Eh, it sucks.

I know it's hard
to reach out, but, uh,

you need help, Jack.

[SCOFFS]

You wanna help me?
Pass the steroids.

You know...

I don't
really believe

in all this
depression stuff.

I mean
it's very simple.

There are men,
and there are babies.

And you,
you're a baby.
Hm.

I mean, every night,
you go to bed

with the most magnificent
woman in Cleveland.

I mean...

that'd be enough
to make any man happy.

Good talk, coach.

I mean...

sure would
make me happy.

[CHUCKLING]

I mean, it would.

MAN:
I'm sure you can guess
why we're here.

No way.
That's right.

Yamaguchi Industries
decided on Cleveland.

And they're
bringing 400 jobs.

Quite an achievement,
considering the recession.

Congratulations,
Miss Vice President.

Oh, my God,
I can't believe it.

You can't really be surprised.

So...

how much is the raise?

[♪♪♪]

I've got a lot of really
creative employees, Priscilla.

And you know what?

They're a dime a dozen.

But you're
a rare breed.

You're creative,
and you're predictable.

So awesomely,
unbelievably predictable.

And that's the quality
I prize most.

[BELL RINGS]

[♪♪♪]

[COUGHS]

[GURGLES]

[CLOSES DRAWER]

Uh...

BOY 1:
Yo, why are we wasting time
with this textbook?

I could write
this textbook.

It's a college-level
textbook.

GIRL:
Yeah. Junior college.

You wanna learn something now?

I thought
you knew everything.

All right.

BOY 2:
Whoa. Where'd you get it?

The cafeteria.

GIRL 2:
Ew.

I need a volunteer.

[GIRL 2 GASPS]

Uh, wow.
You're all so eager.

All right. Who can name
the subspecies it belongs to?

[MURMURING]

Mm-hm. Right.

G. pardalis
babcocki.

That's absolutely
right.

Well done, um...

Kristen.
Kristen Taylor.

Right. Kristen.
Come on up here, Kristen.

Hey, Garbin.
Wake up.

Kill those lights
for me, would you?

I want the rest of you
to take some notes.

BOY 2:
Garbin. Kill the lights.

[STUDENTS MURMUR]

All right, can you
properly identify

each portion
of the shield.

Sure.

Over here's the marginal.
Mm-hm.

Then the pygal.
Right.

The costal.
Yeah.

The vertebral.

And, uh...

[CLEARS THROAT]

The nuchal.
N-U-C-H-A-L.

Some people say,
"new-chal,"

Other people say,
"noo-chal."

I, uh...

I say,
"nuh-chal,"

but that's because my--
My people are from Russia.

JACK:
You need-- uh...

Uh-- Um, nuchal.

[♪♪♪]

[DOG BARKING]

I got a promotion.

I'm a vice president.

[POPS]

Really?
Way to hustle.

Mm-mm. Mm.

Aw, come on, Jack.
Be happy for me.
[SIGHS]

Yeah.
We could do stuff.

We could--

Could maybe
even get a pool.

I don't want
a pool anymore.

Why not?

I don't want my belly
offending the neighbors.

Oh.

Here's to me.

Congratulations,
Priscilla.

Here's to you.

Congratulations.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Do you have any idea

what your frigidity
has done to me?

It's called
sexual dysfunction.

I'm sorry.
Do you have any idea

what your sexual dysfunction
has done to me?

No?
Let me tell you.

You marry the prettiest
girl in Cleveland.

And then
you think:

"All right.

"Everything's going
my way.

"I mean, all right,

"we have this one
little thing,

but we can deal
with it."

I mean, you know
that joke, right?

How do you make
a woman come?

Who cares?

[SNICKERS]

Well... after 10 years

of failed fucking...

God, 10 ye-- How--

How many times
do you suppose that is?

We've had sex 1482 times,
not including this morning.

[SIGHS]
Well...

All my failure begins
to take a toll.

[♪♪♪]

I mean,
look at me.

Am I really the man
you thought I'd become?

[DOG BARKING]

[ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKER]

Mm-ah.

What's wrong
with you?

Nothing.

Mm-hm.

[ALARM BELL RINGS]

What the hell
are you doing?

Jack left.

He moved
to the garage.

He says it's because
I have sexual dysfunction.

[GASPS]

He said that?

What an asshole.

No. It's true.

I'm one of 30 million
nonexistent American women

with sexual dysfunction.

[ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKER]

[ALARM BELL RINGS]

When was the last time
you were functional?

Sexual dysfunction.
As in, never in my life.

You've never had
an orgasm?

No.

[ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKER]

Wow, this is so weird.

What about masturbation?

No, I--
I don't do that.

But you have.

No.

You've never masturbated?

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Never.

UMPIRE:
Strike three!

ANNOUNCER:
Ooh. Caught looking.

Looks like it's gonna be
a long season for the Buckeyes.

[GRUNTS]

WAYNE [ON TV]:
What do you call
a lawn without a pool?

Well, I call it
a yawn.

Hi. I'm Wayne
the Pool Guy.

[♪♪♪]

And the pools
are definitely...

[SPLASH]
...splashy.

WOMAN:
The water's fine.

[SPLASH]

WAYNE:
That water is fine.

MAN:
Ahem. Let me see
if I understand this.

[SIGHS]

You think
that you're unhappy...

because you feel
that you can't

give your wife an orgasm, hm?

It's not my inability
to give her an orgasm,

it's her inability
to have one.

Well, if it's her fault,

then why are you
letting it ruin your life?

Mm, I don't-- I don't care
about the orgasms.

I j-- I gave Mary Slotnick
six orgasms in one night.

Jenny Fitzgerald
got the nickname

"Opera Girl,"
because one night I--

Okay, okay.
We get it.

It's--
We get it.

I mean, I--

I have staying power.

My penis is
above average.

Well above average.

Is that true?

I-- I-- I don't know.
What's average?

Smaller than mine.

It's-- It's smaller
than mine.

MAN:
Now, Priscilla.

Do you feel that you...

fulfill Jack's needs?

We have sex
whenever he wants.

Do you enjoy it?

I've never thought of it
in those terms. Um...

Tsk.

But I suppose
I don't not enjoy it.

So... it's a duty?

Yes. No. No.

It's not a duty.
It's, um...

I'll be honest here.
My wife is very good in bed.

She is?

I am?
Yeah.

Well, you-- You've given me
a lot of pleasure.

Aw. Thank you.

But how can
I feel like a man

if I can't
make you come?

PRISCILLA:
Your inability
to give me an orgasm

is not the measure
of a man.

It's what you make
of yourself

that determines
your worth.

Not your performance
in the bedroom.

Oh, wow. That--
That's horseshit.

So you're saying
that if you were

in a car accident,
became a paraplegic,

and your penis
didn't work,

that you would just
give up on life?

You got it.
Yeah, pretty mu--
[SIGHS]

Hey. No dick,
no life.

Can you believe
this guy?

For many men,
the center of the self

is the penis.

[MOUTHS]
Thank you.

Ugh. Okay, well,
let's, uh--

Let's say I'm willing
to accept that.

What then?

There's a simple solution

to your problem.

There is?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I can't believe
that guy.

What an idiot.

[LAUGHING]

"My name is
Dr. Harry Lee."

"But you can
call me Dr. Harry."

[THE INCREDIBLE MOSES LEROY'S
"FUZZY" PLAYING]

Oh, God.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

JACK:
You don't need
a vibrator, do you?

PRISCILLA:
No!

Vibrator.

I mean-- I mean,
that's just silly, you know?

We need to be daring,
without batteries.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[KISSING, PANTING]

[THUMPING]

[PRISCILLA GROANS]

[BANGING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[EXHALES]
God. I don't get it.

You're so close,
and then it just stop--

What did I do wrong?

You didn't do
anything wrong.

[NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKER]

WOMAN:
Fifty million women

in the United States

suffer from orgasmic
dysfunction.

Fifty million.

But tonight...

we are going to cut
that number

by 10.

[LAUGHING, APPLAUSE]

Because tonight
we are going to learn

about the healing power

of mastur...

bation.

[WOMEN GIGGLE]

The greatest source
of energy

known to womankind.

[APPLAUSE]

WOMAN:
Woo-hoo!

Yes. Yes. Yes!

Now, I want you

to write a name

for your vagina.

Anything
you please.

Satin Doll,

Happy Hole,
Betty.

Christen her. Own her.

It could be anything
you choose, you know.

All right, does everybody
have a name?

Let's see.

What have you
got there?

Oh, that is splendid.

But that could be
a boy's name.

Change it.

Is everybody
finished?

Everybody?
Every beautiful little body?

[LAUGHS]

All right.

Now...

I want you each

to draw a picture

of your vaginas.

I am looking for...

a metaphorical
representation.

Yes. Yes.

It can be anything
you want, but please,

let's make it artistic,
yes?

You know what
I mean, don't you?

Think Picasso.
Think van Gogh.

Now...

each of you
will notice...

that you have
a small hand-mirror

on your easels.

I want you to

discover...

your vaginas.

[WOMAN GIGGLES]

Every glorious fold.

Every beautiful nook
and cranny.

This is
your power center!

Liberate
your labia.

Value
your vulva.

Claim...

your clitoris.

Claim it!
Christen it!

I don't think I've ever
looked at mine.

Come on.

Come on.

Down you go.

Hello, Fifi.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Hey, Mr. Chase.

Get down. Someone
might see you.
Oh.

Okay. Get up,
get up.

Someone might
see you.

What do you want?
A ride.

To the Case Western University
biophysics lab.

I work there.

Good for you.

[INDIE ROCK PLAYING]

♪ Hey, hey, hey
I'm ready to play ♪

♪ I'm gonna do, do, do
What I've wanted to do ♪

♪ All my life ♪

♪ And you won't
Put me up ♪

♪ 'Cause you've never been
In love ♪

I'm not in pain,
you know.

Have you looked
at yourself lately?

That's just the aging process
doing its dirty work.

Come on. Fourty-five's
not that old.
I'm 36.

Look.

I don't want you,
Mr. Chase. Okay?

I respect you.

Oh, respect.

Yeah, respect.

Teachers are some of the most
important figures in society.

Kristen, nobody gives
a shit about teachers.

Teachers don't even give
a shit about teachers.

Let me tell you
a story, okay?

When I was 15,

I was a dedicated stoner.

But then I took
your Intro to Bio class.

And it turned
my head upside down.

I mean,
the Golgi complex,

cytoplasm,
the double helix.

I mean, you taught that stuff
with such passion.

So I dumped my stoner pals,
hit the books,

and now I'm a National
Merit Scholar.

And it's all thanks to you.

No. Congratulations.

But it's got nothing
to do with me.

Well, whatever.

I just want you to know
that I'm here for you.

You're here.

Oh-- Th-- What do you know
about real life?

Nothing.

But I know what I see.

[LAYTON'S "HOPE IS ALL
THERE IS" PLAYING]

♪ Uh-huh, huh ♪

♪ Uh-huh, huh ♪

♪ Uh-huh, huh ♪

♪ Uh-huh, huh
Huh, huh, huh... ♪

This is your top
of the line, right?

Yeah, uh, that's
our deluxe model.

Can you absolutely,
positively guarantee

that it will give me
an orgasm?

Yeah. We stand behind
our products 100 percent.

Good.
I'll take one.

Are you serious?

Yeah. How much?

I don't think
I can sell that to you

in good conscience.

You're right.

It's dusty.

Look, uh, you're not

really here just
for kicks, are you?

No.

You're here to solve
a problem, right?
Yes.

Sometimes,
rarely or never?

Never.

Sweet Jesus.

So I came in here
to get a thing

so I-- I wouldn't actually
have to touch myself.

[GASPS]

You know,
you don't have to, uh,

masturbate
to have an orgasm.

You don't?

No, you just have to come
in the backroom with me.

What?

Oh, my God,
you're propositioning me.

[LAUGHS]
But you're a girl.

I mean, you're pretty
and everything,

but, um,
I'm married...

and I'm not like that.

So, um, I think

I'll just stick
with the masturbation,

if that's all right
with you.

I'm sorry.
Thank you.

Don't sweat it.

I took a shot.

Here's a starter kit.

Just get yourself
in the mood.

Candles,
a furry rug.

There you go.
Oh, thanks.

I'll throw
this banana lube in

for free.

Thank you.

[TIRES SCREECH]

MAN:
Oh.

Whoa.
[BRAKES SCREECH]

[HONKS]
[CHUCKLES]

Move the van, Wayne.
Hold on a second.

Ah. All right. Okay.

Just listen to me
for one minute, okay?

Just a second.

I've decided
to build you a pool

at half my regular cost.

Whatever kind of pool
you want. Any kind of pool.

Italian marble,

Spanish tile, 24-karat gold,
I don't give a crap.

Whatever you can dream up,
at half price.

Why is this so important
to you?

Why is it important?
Well, o-okay, it's important

because I built a pool
for everybody on your street.

Everybody on
the next street.

Everybody on the street
after that--

I built a pool
for everybody except you.

Uh, so what,
are you trying

to make Cleveland
look like California?

Cl-- Cleveland
like California.

That's--
That's pretty good.

Are you in advertising?

Yeah. Something
like that.

Good, because then maybe
you can relate to my problem.

All right.

See, for my next
commercial,

I wanna do
a helicopter shot

of your entire
neighborhood,

pool after pool
after pool,

each of them mine.

But because of a certain
big patch of grass

in a certain
somebody's backyard,

I'm stuck with
the same commercial

I've been running
for the past 20 years.

You can't take
that commercial off.

It's been on
since I was a kid.

Hmm.

Well, that--
But that's the point.

See, I--
It's not an accurate

representation
of the current me.

Well, to be honest
with you, Wayne,

I'm just not
that big on water.

And besides,

I've had my heart set
on a gazebo.

[LAUGHS]
A gazebo?

What, are--?
What, are you crazy?

You're not a--
You're not a gazebo girl.

Yes, I am.
No-- No.

Bye-bye.
[TIRES SCREECH]

You're not
a gazebo girl. Heh.

[♪♪♪]

Takes a big man
to come clean

with a story
like that, man.

My heart goes out
to you.

Mm, it felt good
to tell you...

in a way.

You know, uh...

you can cry
if you want to.

I'm not much of a crier.

Oh, man, crying
is not pussy.

I know that.

Moving into
the garage is pussy.

Crying is evolved.

Hey, baby.

Hi.

Sure do
appreciate that.

Mm-mm-mm-mm.

Now, you see, I would
never leave my wife.

I'd do anything in the world
for that woman.

I'd do anything
for Priscilla.
Oh, not true.

All right, well,
except have her replace my dick

with a piece of plastic.

A vibrator's not
a dick replacement,

you fucking
Neanderthal.

It's a dick teammate.

What do you know
about vibrators?

I know a lot
about them.

Uh-- How?

'Cause I use one.

Oh, gross.

Oh, come on,
man.

Me and wifey...

we incorporate
a lot of technology

in our marital
relations.

And I ain't ashamed
to say it.

Matter of fact...

it's a beautiful thing
when you, uh,

use it together.

You use one together?
Oh, yeah.

You don't think I let
her use it alone?

So I guess
Priscilla and I could--

Hadn't really
thought about that.

And you know, in a way, it--
It would be like...

you know, we're
doing it together.

I'm the-- I'm--
I'd be there.

You would be there.

Maybe you're right.

Only, uh...

always use it together.

'Cause a vibrator's
a very powerful thing, man.

Very powerful.

[CHUCKLES]

Mm.

All right.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

[CHUCKLING]
You think?

I'm uncomfortable now.

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

How am I gonna do this?

[MELLOW JAZZ PLAYING]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

[MELLOW JAZZ PLAYING]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

[MELLOW JAZZ PLAYING]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

[GIGGLES]

[MELLOW JAZZ PLAYING]

Masturbation.

[GIGGLES]

Ooh, it's cold.

Woo.

[BLOWS]

[BUZZING]
[CRIES OUT]

[GIGGLES]

[ROCK MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO]

[MOANING, BUZZING]

[PRISCILLA MOANING]

[PRISCILLA
CRYING OUT]

Priscilla?

Priscilla!

Hah! Jack!

Are you okay?

[GASPING]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What are you doing?

I-- I did, at first--
I-- I did a few--

Oh, God, I'm coming!

[MOANING]
I'm coming!

[GASPING]

[♪♪♪]

That thing was
off the scale.

It was at least
a pH-17.

MAN:
That's scientifically
impossible.

You're such
a science guy...

MAN 2:
Hey, uh, Kristen,
can I give you a ride?

KRISTEN:
Oh, no, that's cool.

My dad's here.

Uh...

You were right.

I'm gonna fix you.
Promise.

[PHONE BEEPS]

MAN:
Binky Taylor.

Hey, Dad.

Yeah.

All right,
so I'm sleeping

at Rachel's house
tonight, okay?

Mm-hm. I'll do it
in the morning.

Take care now.
All right. Good night.

[BEEPS]
One second.

[BEEPS]

RACHEL:
Hey, Kristen.

Hey, Rachel?
Hey.

I'm at your house
and fast asleep, okay?

You slut.
All right. Thanks.

See you.

[BEEPS]
All set.

Are you 18?

You're thinking
of the age of consent,

which is 16.

Really?
Yep.

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR SHUTS]

[LIQUID POURING]

Down it.

[PUTS
BOTTLE DOWN]

[SIGHS]

How come you never dress
like that in school?

Because it's school.

How come you dress
like that for work?

Because
it's science.

[♪♪♪]

[EXHALES]

You like that?

[SMALL COUGH]
P-- Yeah.

Good.

Now, lie down.

We're gonna figure out
how you lost your way.

[GIGGLES]

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

[BUZZING]

[MOANING, LAUGHING]

Jack?

Uh-- Uh, yeah?

Fuck the shit
out of me.

[TCHAIKOVSKY'S "SUITE
FROM SLEEPING BEAUTY" PLAYING]

[BUZZING, MOANING]

[BOTH MOANING]

[MOANS OVERLAPPING]

[BUZZING]

[PRISCILLA CRIES OUT]
[HONKS]

[BOTH MOANING]

[MOANING]

When can
I see you again?

Uh... two weeks.

Two weeks?
How come?

It's spring break,
Jack.

I'm going to
the Galápagos Islands.

The Galápagos
Islands?

Mm-hm.

Uh-- Who picks up and goes
to the Galápagos Islands?

Oh.
See, Jack?

You can't
even imagine

life outside
of your prison.

Escape.

By the way...

you have
a magnificent penis.

[BELL TOLLS]

[BUZZING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

There's
no lifeguard

on duty here,
you know.

I don't need a lifeguard,
I'm an animal.

Heh.
Barely Homo sapien.

Yeah?

Well, I've got
a mistress.

Liar.

[CHUCKLES]

Who?

She has young,
pillowy breasts,

and I give her
giant orgasms.

Young, pillowy
breasts?

You're screwing
a student?
Hey.

You're screwing
a student?
She's 18.

That doesn't
matter.

If word gets out,
you'll be ruined.

Do you know I have
a magnificent penis?

Oh, shut up!

No, no. I have
a magnificent penis.

Ju-- Just shut up!
It's true. It's true.

I'm not listening
to you.

What? You're here
to hear, coach.

[SINGSONGY]
La, la, la.
Well, hear this:

my cock's jammin'.

[REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING]

It's jammin'.

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

[WHISPERS]
There you go.

[MOTOR HUMMING]

[VIBRATOR BUZZING,
LAUGHING]

[BUZZING, LAUGHING]

[BUZZING]

That's it. Let's go.

[BUZZING]

God, please make it stop.

[BUZZING]

[TOOTHBRUSH BUZZING]

MAN [ON TV]:
On the lighter side,

the Cleveland Philharmonic
announced today

that they're turning
the Browns' fight song

into a full-fledged symphony.
[LAUGHTER]

WOMAN [ON TV]:
Imagine yourself
in a luxury penthouse

only minutes
from downtown Cleveland.

The Manly Arms apartments
feature hardwood floors,

a state-of-the-art gym
and huge bedrooms.

Why settle for the mundane

when you can be
king of your domain?

The Manly Arms.

Just can't do it
anymore, baby.

It's not the way
I roll.

I'm always moving.
I'm a runner.

[DELIBES' "DOME EPAIS
(LAKME FLOWER DUET)" PLAYING]

[ECHOEY CLICK]

[ORGAN PLAYING BASEBALL THEME]

MAN:
And we're rolling.

Norwegian project,

sports segment,
Jacobs Field.

Cue the music.

I am standing
in Jacobs Field,

home of
the Cleveland Indians

and the crown jewel
in the renaissance

of Cleveland's
urban landscape.

It is the perfect setting
to entertain clients.

If Frikaschis--

Frikas-- Frik--

If Frikasa--

[GRIEG'S "IN THE HALL
OF THE MOUNTAIN KING" PLAYING]

If Frikascha--

[LAUGHS]

If Frikaschasa--
If Frikasch--

Shit.

MAN:
Keep rolling.

We got plenty
of tape.

If Frikaschas--

Fuck!

Just give me a minute.

[SCREAMS]

They made this ditz a VP?
SHERRI: You okay?

I'm just having trouble
with these consonants.

All right, well,
maybe if you heard it.

It's Frikasch--
Oh.

Uh-- Wait. Ahem.

It's...

Frika--
Yeah, you say it.

[LAUGHING]

It's Frika--
Fuck.

What's wrong
with you?

I'm not frigid anymore.
[GASPS]

And Jack left me
for real.

[GIGGLING]

What--? What do
you mean, he left?

PRISCILLA:
He took a bunch of pots

and his graphic equalizer.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I think he's gonna take
all the crap.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

♪ Hamburger ♪

♪ Cheeseburger ♪

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[INDIE ROCK PLAYING ON STEREO]

Holy shit.
You look amazing.

Ah.

How was the Galápagos?

No, I mean it.

I'm impressed.

Such progress
in two weeks.

And this place
looks amazing.

Huh. It has none

of the desperation
you normally associate

with a man whose marriage
has just fallen apart.

Did I do this?

Do what?

This apartment.

You.

WAYNE [ON TV]:
I'm Wayne the Pool Guy,

and I've been installing
swimming pools

in the Greater Cleveland
area since 1976.

Our service is classy

and the pools
are definitely...

[SPLASH]
...splashy.

WOMAN:
Oh, Wayne, come on in.
The water's fine.

Now, why would you
wanna change that?

[BOING]
[GASPS]

That water is fine.

Yes. The water is fine.

[WATER FILLING SOUND EFFECT]

[DING]

[CHUCKLES]

So how do you make me
feel so good down there?

Okay.

Where does the female
orgasm occur?

The clitoris.
No.

You and the rest
of the world are wrong.

The female orgasm
actually occurs

in the pubococcygeus
muscle.

No way.
Yeah, way.

P-U-B-O-C-

O-C-C-Y-G-E-U-S?

I don't know.

Yeah, something
like that.

Um, where is it?

I wish I had
a blackboard.

I would--

It-- It's
the muscle that

surrounds the en--
The entire vagina.

I thought that
there were

no nerve endings
in the vagina.

There aren't.
But the pubococcygeus

has millions
of nerve endings,

and they're just outside
the vaginal walls.

So it's easily
stimulated.

Exactly.

[SUCKS IN AIR,
EXHALES]

That is so cool.

Yeah. Now,
I'm not saying

that, you know,
clitoral stimulation

can't produce
an orgasm.

Absolutely it can.

But until you've had
an involuntary contraction

of the pubococcygeus,
uh, then you've--

You've never really
had an orgasm.

You swear
this is true?

Yes,
absolutely true.

Do you know
what this means?

No, what does
it mean?

It means, an end
to the tyranny

of the clitoral orgasm.

You have to teach this
in class tomorrow.

Okay. If it means
that much to you.

[CHUCKLES]

Charles Darwin went to
the Galápagos in what year?

BOY:
1835.

That's right, 1835.

And he went on
a boat called...?

[♪♪♪]

Um... Miss Overmyer.

OVERMYER:
The HMS Beagle.
Like Snoopy.

JACK:
That's right.
The HMS Beagle.

Not to be confused
with the HMS Bagel.

That's a much
lesser-known boat

that sunk because
it had a hole in it.

Yeah.
[STUDENTS CHUCKLING]

All right. Now get out
of my classroom,

you jerks.
[BELL RINGS]

You made a promise,
and you broke it.

What?

You know what.

I'm sorry,
I didn't think

the pubococcygeus
was a suitable topic for--

Kids?

I don't--

W-- Why is this
a big deal?

Because it is.

All right, I-I'll
never mention it again.

You know what? I don't think
there's any such thing

as the pubococcygeus.

I think you made it up

to be fascinating
to your teenage girlfriend.

How could I make up
"pubococcygeus"?

I want documented
scientific proof.

And no "Playboy Advisor"
bullshit.

[SIGHS]

All right.

[♪♪♪]

[PAGER BEEPING]

I heard about
these panties

with a miniature
vibrator

built right into them.

Do you carry those?

Yeah.
Oh, good.

I want seven pairs,
one for each day of the week.

And do they come
in different colors

for organizational
purposes?

Can I ask you
a question?
Shoot.

Roughly speaking,
how many times

have you come
in the past few weeks?

One-hundred and eighty-nine
times, exactly speaking.

That's 13
and a half per day.

Uh, look--

Uh-- I've seen
this before.

I know how this is gonna sound,
but I'm not making it up.

I think that

you're addicted
to your vibrator.

What?

You're clinically addicted
to your vibrator or close.

I can't believe
you're saying this.

You know, it happens
to a lot of women

with a long history
of sexual dysfunction.

One taste
and they're gone.

But I've never felt
so good in my life.

I bet.

"Vibanon. Tell your addiction
to buzz off."

They meet, uh, Mondays
and Wednesdays

at St. Mary's
on 33rd Street.

[SIGHS]
In a church?

[PAGER BUZZING]

Oh, I thought
I turned this thing off.

[BEEPS]
[CLEARS THROAT]

Ah. Wonder if this'll work.

[ZIPPER UNZIPS]

[ZIPPER ZIPS]

[DIALING CELL PHONE]

You have reached the voice mail
of Priscilla Chase.

To page me, pr--
[BEEP]

[PAGER BUZZING]
[GASPS]

[CAR HORN HONKS]
Yes, it really works.

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

[WHISTLING]

[♪♪♪]

Ah, fuck.

SHERRI:
You've been distracted lately.

Well, I'm not now.

I hope not.

Sherri?
Yeah.

Frikaskjasalde.

[♪♪♪]

Come on.

Unbelievable.

[NUMBER DIALS]

Real cool,
Priscilla.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

You have reached the voice mail
of Priscilla Chase.

To page me, press 5.

To leave a message,
simply do so after the beep.

Have a nice day.
[BEEP]

Nice.

God!

Hey, hon. Yeah, it's me.
Look, uh...

I'm gonna have to break
into the house

because you changed
the fucking locks.

So, uh...

I don't know,
I might, uh...

I might just burn it down.

Uh...

Okay. Hugs.

Ow.

[GARBAGE DISPOSAL
GRINDS]

[CLANG]

[GRUNTS]

[CHATTERING]

Ah. Here she is.

Fridtjof Knudsen,

this is
Priscilla Chase.

It's so great
to finally meet you.

The pleasure
is entirely mine.

[MAN CLEARS THROAT]

Good. So now we get
down to business.

Persuade us to move

from one frigid city
to another one.

If Frikaskjasalde should
decide to relocate to Cleveland,

Trasker will provide
the expertise necessary

to cut your current costs
by one-third.

W-what about
infrastructure grants?

You've reached the voice mail
of Priscilla Chase.

State and local government

would go so far
as to build you new

r-r-roads.
[PAGER BUZZING]

[SCOFFS]

Trasker will provide the--

[PAGER BUZZING]
Ooh.

[♪♪♪]

I'm gonna tell
that bitch

I have a magnificent penis.

You have reached the voice mail
of Priscilla Chase.

Call until
you call me back.

And--
[PAGER BUZZING]

[EXHALES]

Pipes.
What's wrong?

KNUDSEN:
She doesn't look well.

Are you well?

[BREATHLESSLY]
I'm fine.

[GASPS]

Oh, God.

I'm fine.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

[PANTING]

Uh-- And, of course,
the roads and--

[PAGER BUZZING]

[GASPING]
The land.

And, uh--

Oh!

[CRIES OUT]

The land...
Gyah.

[CRIES OUT]

Yeah. God!

[LAUGHING]

Priscilla,
what's wrong?

[CRIES OUT, PANTING]

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

She's been under a hell
of a lot of stress lately.

Don't talk to me
about stress.

PRISCILLA:
Oh, no, it's not stress.

It's just, uh...

some bad Chinese food.

[CHUCKLES]

Sizzling garlic beef.

Hm.

Anyway...

let's get started.

[GASPS]
Douglas.

They signed.

Oh, good. I a--
I am so sorry.

I-- I don't know
what happened.

It wasn't
sizzling garlic beef.

I don't know
what it was.

But it won't
happen again, I swear.

All right, just remember.
You can only get away

with this kind
of bullshit once.

[♪♪♪]

"You can only get away with
that kind of bullshit once."

[SIGHS]

[BEEP]

Jack.

[BEEP]
Jack.

[BEEP]
Jack.

He finally did it.

Finally fucking did it.

[GARBAGE DISPOSAL GRINDING]

KRISTEN:
Breaking and entering.

We are so cool.
Oh, I know.

Wow. Eerie.

Totally.

KRISTEN:
I feel like
I could tell you anything.

JACK:
You can tell me anything.

That's what's
great about us.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[KRISTEN CHUCKLES]

You know this means
we're a couple now.
[CHUCKLES]

Awesome.

[KRISTEN LAUGHS]

Woo!

[LAUGHING]

[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]

[WOMAN CRIES OUT]

[LAUGHING, CHATTERING]

SHERRI:
Okay. New rules.

One, keep
your options open

till the last second.

Two, get his number.

But that's flexible
if he's a fox.

Three, look
at your left hand.

What about it?

Check the ring finger.

You know the one
with the wedding ring on it?

It comes off.

All the way.

[LAUGHS]

Feel lighter?

A little.

Good.

[GIGGLES]

Tonight I'm
your designated dancer.

I will protect you.
I will advise you.

And I will never
leave your side.

[ADAM WILLIAMS' "WE'RE
THE PARTY GIRLS" PLAYING]

♪ I'm hot ♪

[GIRLS WHOOPING]

♪ Hot ♪

♪ We're the party girls ♪

♪ Living in a party world ♪

♪ We're the party girls ♪

♪ Living in a party world ♪

♪ I'm hot ♪

♪ Hot ♪

♪ I'm hot ♪

♪ Hot ♪

Did you have your orgasm?

So, baby,
how many times?

You okay with that, or...?

Were my techniques
sufficient enough

to provide you with the orgasm
you were seeking?

Orgasm. Of course,
I fucking did.

Ah. I don't know
what happened.

I try too hard.
I just freeze up.

[GASPING]

Look, I know it's not
the girl thing.

You were this close
like five times.

You were this close.
Six.

Really?
It's a joke.

[SIGHING]

You know, I pride myself
on my orgasm-inducing abilities.

I practice.
I dedicated myself.

I can make an ice sculpture
of Kathie Lee Gifford come.

I don't know how
your husband

plugged away
as long as he did.

[EXASPERATED SIGH]

Exhausted.

SHERRI: No way.
Ha, ha.

Impossible.

I don't believe it.

You're lying.
You have to be lying,

'cause there's no way
you would ever do that, right?

Right?

Which part?

That last part.

That last part just happened.

So you just kind of slipped

and fell into her vagina.

Sherri.

Think she was a man
or something?

No. She's a fox.

Oh, my God,
I can't believe

I just said that.

So you actively
and knowingly

pursued
your lesbian moment.

Think you'll do it again?

I'm sorry.

But I feel like
I really need

to speak my mind
on this one.

Tsk. Not now, Sherri.

You are...

awesome.

What?

You are fucking
awesome.

I mean, a month ago
you were this--

This uptight,
frigid married chick.

And then from clear
out of the blue,

you dumped
your loser husband

'cause he wasn't
plowing the fields.

You're not listening.
That's not how it happened.

And then
you practically invent

a whole new category
of addiction.

They should name
a warning sticker after you.

And then you go
on to bag

all of these
hot guys,

one after the other--

[LAUGHS]
- -after the other,

after the other.

Sherri.

And then when most
would take a breather,

you run off and join
the lesbian circus.

Sherri.
No.

It's so incredibly rich.

Priscilla...

you are...

a goddess.

You are a raging

slut-goddess.
[POUNDS FEET]

Sherri.

You didn't listen
to a word I said, did you?

You know all those guys
I slept with?

I wasn't even there
when it happened.

I just disappeared
into this ball of fear.

I just shut down.

And none of them
wanna see me again.

And you know Justine,
my girlfriend?

She says that
I'm an ice queen.

An unmeltable ice queen.

I, just once in my life,

just for one minute,

I would like to let go...

just to feel different...

if only for a minute.

[♪♪♪]

[BEEP]

DOUGLAS:
Hello, Priscilla. You were
supposed to have those numbers

on my desk
by 5.
Oh, Christ.

It's now 6:30,

and I'm still
waiting here at my desk.

I want them first thing
in the morning.

Good night, Priscilla.
[BEEP]

Hey, Priscilla, it's me,
Wayne the Pool Guy.

[WATER GURGLING]

Hi.
Hi.

How you doing?
Good.

Um, I would like a piece
of your chocolate cake--

Uh-huh.
- -and a glass
of red wine.

Okay.
And I want
some milk as well.

Okay.

[DOOR CLOSES]

MAN:
Oh.

I finally caught you.

You're not gonna
believe this,

but I think I'm finally
ready for that pool.

Would you like
to sit down and join me?

You're kidding me.

Oh.

Dinner's on me.
Scotch, rocks.

Okay.

So... huh...

Priscilla.

Why do you want
a pool?

Ugh. Now you wanna
talk me out of it?

No, no. It's just that,
you know,

even at half price,
it's:

[CHOKING SOUND]

I'm paying full price.

Even at my special
summer discount rate,

it's gonna put a deep dent
in your pocketbook.

So I want you
to be sure.

If you don't want a pool,
don't get a pool.

But what about your commercial?

We already shot it.

Yeah. They put a pool
in your backyard

with a computer.

Looks real.

Gonna premiere
next week.

And what about the old one?

Well-- You know,
I think--

I think it aired for
the last time about an hour ago.

I missed it.

I'll send you
a tape.

Thanks. But it won't
be the same.
Mm.

Yeah. Thank you.

Well, salud.

[CLINK]

[SLURPS]
Mm.

Oh.

There are three reasons
why people get a pool.

One, to keep up
with the Joneses.

Two, if you
can believe this,

to get people to come
to their house.

[GIGGLES]

And the third
reason...

I want you to tell me.

Come on,
come on.

Swimming?
Bingo.

That's it.
Swimming.

Nobody ever gets that.
It's the most obvious.

And it's the most
meaningful.

What do you mean
by that?

Well-- All right,

forget I'm a salesman
for a second.

Yeah.

Just a second.
All right.

Um...

emotionally and spiritually
speaking,

swimming is the best thing
you can do for yourself.

You wanna
know why?

Metamorphosis.

Even in Cleveland, Ohio,
you have a chance

at rebirth every time
you dive in the water.

But what if you wanna
stay who you are?

What kind of question
is that?

Everybody wants to change.

Oh, really?

Of course.

Don't they?

I'm just giving you
a hard time.

[GIGGLES]

You see that?
You try to be sincere,

and all you get
is grief.

K-- I was kidding.

I was kidding.
I'm very pro-metamorphosis.

Sucker.

Ah! No. You meant every word.

There
you go.

Mmm.

There
you are.

Nice combo.

Anyway...

to be honest,

I think I should try
someone else's pool first.

Hm.

I have a pool.

Is that an invitation?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess.

It's an invitation, yeah.

Heh.

When?

Pfoo.

[GIGGLES]

WAYNE:
Watch your step here. Yes.

PRISCILLA:
All this for building pools.

Yeah.

Oh.
Yeah. You ready?

Check.

Voilà.

Eh?
Oh, my God.

Wow.

Yeah.

I built it
for my wife.
Hm.

She died
16 years ago.

Mm.

She must have loved it.

She...

She had her moods.

She would be crying
at the top

and laughing by the time
she hit the pool.

[LAUGHING]
Yeah. Yeah.

So you like it?

Oh, yeah.
I think it's a--

I think it's amazing.

You wanna try it?

Now?
Yeah.

Will you come with me?

No.
No?

No.

No. No, I don't--
I don't ever.

I never d--
Never do.

[♪♪♪]

Wayne, when was
the last time

you went swimming
in this pool?

It's been a while.

So all that talk about
metamorphosis and renewal...

it was just talk.

Mm.

I have suits inside.

Okay.
Let's go.

Come on.

I think I have one
that fits you.

It's my favorite.

I wear it when--
When I'm all alone, I wear it.

No, I'm only kidding.

[LAUGHS]

WAYNE:
It's, uh-- It's wood. Nice.

PRISCILLA: Oh.
WAYNE: Sturdy.

It's like
a tree house.
Oh.

How high is it?

Uh...

The slide is
300 feet, so...

And then this is...

Okay. Mm.

You go first,
and I'll--

Okay.
I'll spot you, you know?

Mm-hm.

[♪♪♪]

[WATER FLOWING]

Wow.

Wow. Wow. This--

[CLEARS THROAT]

All right.
Oh.

Yeah, I--

I forgot
all about this.

Wow,
the Terminal Tower.

It's where
I work.

Hm.

What--? What do you
actually do in advertising?

I-- I bring business
to Cleveland.

Oh. That's a cool job.
Yeah, it is.

Mm.
I like it.

Mm.

Hm.

I'm really glad I came.

Me too.

[SIGHS]

We can't stay up here
all night.

[GIGGLING]

[PLAYFULLY]
Chute.

Anyway. Let me get...

All right.

Okay?
Okay.

All right.

So you go--
Go on it.

Okay. Down.

And then,
let's see.

I'm gonna
get over here

like this.

Yeah.

Ready? Put your legs
around me.

Uh, okay. All right.

And hold on
to my waist.

Right?

Okay, yeah.

And, uh...

You can-- You can hold on.
I won't break.
Okay.

Ooh. Mm.

Ready?
Yeah. I'm ready.

One... two...

[LAUGHS]

Heh.

...three!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

WAYNE:
Oh.

Whoa. Ha, ha.

[PRISCILLA SCREAMING]

Whoop. Ooh.

[WAYNE LAUGHS]

Hee-hee.
Yee-ha-ha!

Mm.

Uh. I'm sorry.

No.

[WHISPERS]
More.

[♪♪♪]

Mm. Mm.

[PRISCILLA MOANING]

WAYNE: Mm.
[WATER LAPPING SIDES OF POOL]

[PRISCILLA MOANING
STRONGER]

[WAYNE MOANING
QUIETLY]

[WAYNE GIGGLING]

Don't worry,
I'm gonna be okay.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, what's
so funny?

Well, you're not
gonna believe this, but...

you're the first man
who has ever...

you know,
made me come.

Hm.
You mean, you--?

Mm-mm.
Wow.

Mm-hm.
Not until Wayne.

Wayne the Pool Guy.

[LAUGHS
UNCOMFORTABLY]

Yeah,
that is funny.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Hysterical.

Well, you just took
15 years off my life.

Now, come here.
Mm.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, Wayne.
Hm. Oh. Oh.

Oh, Wayne. Wayne.

What a man.

You should keep
your slide on all the time.

How come?

'Cause then I'd come over.

[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]

Get your own pool.

[SPITS]

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

[ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKER]

[AFRO-CUBAN MUSIC
PLAYING ON HEADPHONES]

[PHONE RINGING]

Good morning.
Priscilla.

No sizzling garlic beef
this weekend, I see.

[LAUGHING]

Uh...

I guess you already know.

Uh, know what?

We're taking a group
of Chinese brewers

on a tour this morning.

Ugh. Can you
handle it?

I don't think so.

Guess what
they wanna see.

Uh, the Rock and Roll
Hall of Fame?

[CHUCKLES]
You wish.

They wanna see
the crown jewel

of Cleveland's
public school system:

Carmen High.

Jack's back.

STUDENTS:
Good morning.

You motherfuckers
ready to learn?

'Cause I'm gonna teach
the shit outta ya.

ALL:
Yeah!
All right.

You guys are gonna
be cool, right?

You're not gonna tell
the principal I swore?

Now, Miss Taylor's not here,
I see. All right.

We had very high
SAT scores last year.

SHERRI:
Come on.

I know there's something
you wanna tell me.

No, there isn't.

You have a big,
juicy secret.

I can smell it.

Me and Wayne the Pool Guy.

[SCOFFS]
Liar.

And another archaebacteria
that can survive

in inhospitable environments
is the halobacteria,

which is unique

because of its pigment.

Shh.
They're educating.

And who can tell me
what that is?

BOY:
It's the color?

Holy shit.
Look at him.

JACK:
That's right,
but maybe, uh...

one of our esteemed
guests here would know.

[WHISPERING
INDISTINCTLY]

Tsk.

BOY 2:
The color is orange.

That's right.

[WAYNE WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY,
PRISCILLA LAUGHS]

WAYNE:
Here goes the little bear.

One chop, two chops,
tickle under.

[LAUGHING]

That felt
so good.
[LAUGHS]

Yeah. That's what I always
try to tell myself.

Feel good.

Don't feel bad,
feel good.

[LAUGHS]

Mm. Mm.

[GRUNTING]

Pizza and a six-pack.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, it's so late,
though.

So...

[GIGGLES]

Okay. I'll have
a plain.

Cool. Plain?

No, I'll have a, um,

sausage and, uh, onions.

Hmm.

Very brave.

[LAUGHS]

[DIAL TONE]

[NUMBERS
DIALING]

[RINGING]

You worried that I'm
falling in love with you?

If I were,
I wouldn't be here.

MAN [ON PHONE]:
Bertino's Pizzeria.

Gonna be open late?
Yeah, we're open late.

[CHUCKLES]
I'll be there in two hours.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, Jack.

Hey. I bet you
can't catch me.

[WOMAN CHATTERS]

Hey.
Excuse me. Sorry.

Hey.
I know you.

Wait.

You're Jack Chase.

You're
my daughter's teacher.

I'm Binky Taylor.

Kristen Taylor's
father.

Kris-- Kristen Tay...

Oh, uh, K--

Krist-- Y-- Yeah.
Oh, she's very bright.

The Taylor family...

will be eternally
grateful to you.

It was your class that got
Kristen off the cannabis

and onto
the right track.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh. Here she is.
Heh-heh.

Hi, Dad.
Hello, Mr. Chase.

Kristen.

Shouldn't you be doing
your homework?

[LAUGHS]

Kristen's going
to Harvard.

Harvard, the school?

She hasn't taken
that Harvard T-shirt off

for three weeks,
since she got the good news.

Congratulations,
Kristen.

It takes a very special person
to get into Harvard.

No, Mr. Chase.
Congratulations to you.

If this country had
more teachers like you--

Dedicated,

decent men.

--our kids would be
in a lot better shape.

You, sir,
are an everyday hero.

Thank you.

No. Thank you.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Say thank you.

Thank you,
Mr. Chase.

You're
a great teacher.

Alrighty.
Well, take care.

Okay, now.

[BELL RINGS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
JACK: Hey, it's me.

It was great seeing you
the other day.

I was thinking that maybe
we could, uh, hook up sometime

and grab some dinner.

Nothing serious or anything.

Just... you know, to catch up.

When-- Whenever you want.
Just let me know.

[♪♪♪]

[WHISTLING]

[MACHINE SPUTTERS]

[LIQUID
TRICKLING]

[WHISTLES]

Tsk.

That suit
is ridiculous.

Oh,
yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

[PRISCILLA SIGHS]

Damn, he looks good.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm starving.

[CHUCKLES]

So, what have--?
What have you been up to?

Oh, I don't know.

Not much.

No?

You can tell me,
you know.

It's me.

Well, um...

I've been broadening
my horizons...

taking some seminars,
and, um...

discovering parts of Cleveland
I never knew existed.

Oh.

Neat.

Well, here's to you.

[WAYNE WHISTLING]

What the hell
is that?

Ooh. Shit.

I'm involved
in a love triangle

with a younger,
fitter rival.

This is bullshit.

What about you?
What have you been doing?

Oh, what have I
been doing. Um...

Probably sounds pretentious,
but, uh...

I've been, uh...
trying to make myself

a better man.

Ah. Good for you.

Yeah, I've, uh...

been really focused
on teaching...

Mm-hm.
...and, uh...

I don't know, I'm thinking about
maybe going back to school.

[GASPS]

I'm so proud of you.
That's wonderful.

Here's to you.

[CLINK]

Thank you.

It's great to see you.
You too.

Oh, and also,
e-every morning,

I've been, uh...

getting up
and exercising.

[GRUNTS]

[GASPING]
...a lot of jogging
and that kind of thing,

and I've lost, uh,
6 pounds already.

You know, you look
like you lost more.

I-- I haven't weighed myself
today, so I don't know.

Thank you.

It must be driving you crazy

wondering why I, uh,
brought you here, huh?

[♪♪♪]

I've been thinking
that maybe--

[CHUCKLES]
A-are you listening to me?
Because this is important.

I mean, this--
Yeah. I'm listening.

This is...

[CHUCKLING]

[SNICKERS]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS]

What's so funny?

[GIGGLING]
Nothing.

[SNICKERS]

[SNIFFLES]

I've been thinking
that maybe w--

We should
get back together.

Tsk. Jack.

Well...

here's to you.
Tsk.

Good to see you.
You too.

[♪♪♪]

[CHUCKLES]
A gazebo?

What are you, crazy?

You're not a--
You're not a gazebo girl.

[SCREAMS]

[LAUGHING]

[WAYNE SHRIEKS]

[PRISCILLA SCREAMS]

[POPS]

[SINGSONGY]
Da-da-da.

Oh. Oh, a touch
of the bubbly.

[LAUGHING]

Ha, I wanna go
again.

Hey, just-- Hold on
just a second. Here.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Listen, I was thinking...

Even though
there's this big

age difference
between us...

How old are you,
anyway?
I'm--

Old.

Uh, somehow, while I was worried
about drains and chlorine,

I turned into
the old guy, but--

Here.
The thing is...

I don't have anybody
to leave my business to.

I mean,
when I kick--

When the ticker goes.
- -that's it.

I can find you a buyer
within a week, Wayne.

A reputable buyer.

Yeah, well, but--

I was thinking...

that, even with
all our differences,

we make a good team.

Yeah.

You like to stay up late?

Nope. Early bird.

Okay.

All right, maybe it's
not the sleep thing.

Well, there's the sex.

The sex. Yes, the sex.

[CHUCKLES]
Jesus Christ.

Really... wonderful.

I mean, you gotta know,

I hadn't been in this pool
since my wife died.

Anyway...

considering
all these ingredients,

and the fact that you've got
a great head for business,

and the fact

that I might be falling
in love with you,

I was wondering--
Wayne. Are you gonna ask me

to marry you?

Actually...

I was gonna ask you
if you would be my girlfriend.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I'll think
about it.

Okay.

[MASON JENNINGS' "LEMON GROVE
AVENEUE" PLAYING]

[HUMMING]

[GIGGLES]
Yeah?

Whoo.

♪ If I have my way ♪

♪ I'm never gonna leave
Lemon Grove Avenue ♪

♪ Where the summer breeze ♪

♪ Blows through the windows
In the afternoon ♪

♪ And all the stars
Come out at night ♪

♪ And there's a boat
Out on the sea ♪

♪ And there's a bird
Up in my tree ♪

♪ And there's a feeling
In my heart ♪

♪ I can't explain
I'm coming home ♪

♪ I'm coming home
Yeah ♪

[HUMMING]

♪ If I have my way ♪

♪ I'm never gonna leave
Lemon Grove Avenue ♪

♪ Where the summer breeze ♪

♪ Blows through the windows
In the afternoon ♪

♪ And all the stars
Come out at night ♪

♪ And there's a boat
Out on the sea ♪

♪ And there's a bird
Up in my tree ♪

♪ And there's a feeling
In my heart ♪

♪ I can't explain
I'm coming home ♪

♪ I'm coming home
Yeah ♪

[HUMMING]

♪ Yeah
I'm on my way ♪

♪ I'm on my way
Yeah ♪

♪ I'm on my way
I'm on my way ♪

♪ Yeah
I'm on my way ♪

♪ I'm on my way
Yeah ♪

♪ I'm on my way
I'm on my way ♪

♪ If I have my way ♪

♪ I'm never gonna leave
Lemon Grove Avenue ♪

♪ Where the summer breeze ♪

♪ Blows like heaven
In the afternoon ♪

♪ And all the stars
Come out at night ♪

♪ And there's a boat
Out on the sea ♪

♪ And there's a bird
Up in my tree ♪

♪ And there's a feeling
In my heart ♪

♪ I can't explain
I'm coming home ♪

♪ I'm coming home
Yeah ♪

[REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING]