All language subtitles for SHOW Marc Maron 2023 From Bleak to Dark.VOEN.EN

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you for coming.

I don't want to be negative, but...

I don't think anything's ever
gonna get better ever again.

I don't wanna bum anybody out,
but I think this is pretty much

the way it's gonna be
for however long it takes us

to polish this planet off.

And don't misunderstand me,
I have no hope.

I think if you have hope,
what are you, fucking seven?

So...

again, I don't want to be negative,

but you kinda know it's true, right?

In your heart, you know
that it's fucking over, right?

I know it's hard to handle...

culturally, politically, climate-wise.

What are you gonna do
about the climate? Nothing.

I think in the back
of our heads we're like,

Well, you know,
I don't wanna get in the way

of anything that Swedish
teenager's doing, you know?

Like, Greta's got focus, she's young,

I think she's gonna nail it.

And, look, I don't know.
I... You know,

I have moments where I'm like,

What can I do?
And then you're like,

What? Is that gnocchi?
You know, so, like it's...

Look, I'm doing a thing,
that, uh, occasionally I'll...

Well, yeah, I'll do it now.

Just like, a lot of these ideas
that I'm playing with,

they're hard to do, comedically.

So I've been working on a one-man show,

sort of a serious one-man show,
and I workshop it

during the comedy act occasionally.

I'll do it for you now.

It's called Voices From the Future.

This is a multi-character
one-person show

where I play all the characters.

If you ever are like,
you know, Where's Marc?

It's still me, I'm here.

So this is a one-person show,

it's called Voices From the Future.

It's just random people
saying random things

in the very near future.

The show right now is running
about a minute and 30.

I picture that, when I produce it,

it'll be in a small black box theater.

You know, it'll be dark
and the lights will like,

come up on each character,
but I'll just kinda mime that.

But you'll get it.

Some references are to the West Coast,

but I think you'll get them
and maybe I'll throw one

that's... in that's
more appropriate to this coast.

Yeah, I'll have to do
a whole new character,

but I think I can do it.

Right, so this is the first guy,
Voices From the Future.

Okay, first guy, lights come up.
How close are the fires?

Lights down.

All right, this...

this is the second guy, lights up.

Will the fifth booster
work on the Zephyr strain?

'Cause I can't see
out of this eye, doc.

I can't see. Lights down.

All right, this is...
This guy. All right, this is...

- Hold on, this guy's sad.
- Okay.

Lights up.

What, do you mean...
You mean there's no more water?

Bring the lights down.

Wait. All right, wait, there's...
Okay. So a East Coast one.

All right, this guy's a... All right.

All right. Okay, okay,
here we go. Lights up.

Do they have the floatable seating

at the restaurant downtown?

Okay. Now, this last guy...

So, if you're doing this
at your community theater

or, uh, your high school...

uh, you'd want to cast, like,

a working-class guy for this last guy

'cause he's kind of
the comic relief at the end.

Okay. Lights up.
You know, 130 is not that hot.

Once you get out in it,
it's not that bad.

Don't be a pussy and hydrate!

Thank you, Voices From the Future.

Appreciate it.

So, like, I'm trying to cover
a lot of territory,

or a lot of things in this first chunk

of this show,
and it gets a little heavy,

but you'll be all right.

Um...

There's... I think we have
a stupid people problem

and I'm not saying that
as a condescending person

or a... I'm not a genius,

but I kinda miss old-timey stupid.

You know,
I miss back-in-the-day stupid.

I miss, like, ten-years-ago stupid.

You know, stupid that
had a little humility,

where you could say things
like, You're kinda dumb,

and they'd be like, Yeah, I know.

Well, it's good you know that.

Well, I'm not that dumb.
I mean, come on!

Well, good talk.
Good luck with everything.

But now, there's a new stupid,

a brazen, sort of shameless,
confident stupid.

They're just loaded up

with all kinds of bullshit information.

It has a tone to it.

I'll try to do a little
of it for ya, the tone.

Oh, so, you're a scientist?

And you can't pull that same thing

you used to be able to pull
with the old stupid.

You can't be like, You're kind of dumb.

'Cause they go, What's your source?

What are you talking about?

Where are you getting your information?

Just talking to you right now.

You gotta do your own research, bro.

I'm doing it in real time...

and I think
my study's almost concluded.

And I'm stepping away slowly.

So now, we're just kinda half-waiting

for the stupids
to choose a uniform. Um...

I don't know. Are you nervous?

Isn't it weird that, like, you know,

you get your information one place

and they get there's another place.

Everyone gets it at different places,

but there's definitely
a strain of stupid

where you hear guys do, like,

You know, you don't have to get
any vaccines ever.

I was listening to this podcast.

Most of the time
that's not going a good place.

I was with this podcast.

You know, I was kinda in and out.

But...

I'm pretty sure the guy said
that if you take

a human growth hormone suppository

and stick it up your ass hard
until you get a boner,

but it's not a gay boner
'cause it's your finger,

so why would it be gay?

And I don't know if you know this,

but there's a man clit
in your asshole that I found

when I was watching UFC once.

I was just poking around up there.

And I told my bros about it, I'm like,

'Do you know about the man clit
in your ass?'

So, they were like,
'What the fuck, dude?'

I'm like, 'All right,
you live your life.'

Anyway...

so when you get the boner,

you stick it into a warm elk's heart,

which you can order
from the guy's website.

Comes three in a package,
frozen, and you just fuck it

like a pocket pussy or a fleshlight.

It's not gay, it's an elk's heart.

How would that be gay?

And then you cum in it,

and then you just throw it on a Traeger

or whatever kinda grill you have.

I have a Weber, but it doesn't matter

and you cook it up and you, like,

eat it on a sandwich or...

It's not gay to eat your own cum
if it's cooked.

Anyway...

if you do that and you eat it,

you don't have to get vaccinated
for anything.

Pretty sure that's what the guy said.

I was kinda in and out,
was ordering supplements

and, a new fleshlight and,
you know, the uniforms are in,

so I wanted to get a jump on that.

And then I think the guy
interviewed a professor

of misogyny from Canada.

That was really smart, man.

He really knew
what he was talking about.

Someday when I have a woman,
I'm gonna use some of it.

And now, there's all these
comedians, like,

I'm an anti-woke comic, man.

I'm anti-woke and that's why
I don't get work.

Really?

You think that's the reason?

Yeah, man.
We can't say anything anymore.

Like, me and all the other
anti-woke comedians,

we all wanna say our version
of the same three things.

And you just can't...

You can't say anything anymore.

No, I'm pretty sure you can say
whatever you want, really.

He's like, No, you can't, man.

You can.
There just may be consequences.

See, that's the fucked up thing,

the consequences.

Well, maybe when you get your uniform,

you can make that
the first order of business,

is getting rid of the consequences.

No, man. I'm anti-woke.

Look, there's problems.
You know, I don't wanna...

But I don't wanna say there's a problem

with Christian fascism, but...

there might be a problem.

And I'm not saying you're all in on it,

if you're Christians,
but, you know, you kinda are.

Right?

Like, if you really think a flying Jew

is gonna come back...

and make everything okay,

isn't that, like, mental illness?

I don't wanna make anyone uncomfortable

'cause I know, a lot of you know
that we have...

You know, as I'm speaking,

and I guess I should make it clear

that we have found recently
that there is actually something

that brings most people together,

it's antisemitism.

And...yeah.

I'm saying that as a Jew,

and as a Jew, I'm saying
that we will replace you.

It's...

it's happening, we're all part of it.

We're doing it,
we're all doing our bit.

You... There's an app now
we can replace you with.

And it's a commission thing.
How... We get a certain kickback

for the number of you replaced.

I talked to my brother last week,

he replaced, like, 76 last week.

And every quarter, we get a check

from Global Control HQ.

It's got the cool logo with the planet

and the Star of David
and gold leaf around it,

signed by George Soros.

It's kinda cool, it's almost frameable,

but we cash them. So...

And I don't know, like,
I'm not religious,

I'm a Jew, so...

And there's a difference
between Jews and Christians,

obviously, I mean, I think

if the relationship with God
is different,

if you look at the testaments,
the Old Testament.

It seemed like the relationship
with Jews and God

was basically, What?

What do you want me to do?

Now?

All right, all right.
Don't yell, don't yell.

Whereas I think
the Christian relationship

is more like...

So...

But there's not a racket.

I don't see the Jew thing as a racket.

The Christian thing I see as a racket.

It's almost like, you know,

Here's the New Testament,
make it your own

and grift as you will.

Right? I mean,
and there's a pitch to it.

That's kinda genius.

And if you really break it down,
the pitch is basically,

Everything will be amazing

when you're dead.

Put some money in the jar.

But, look, the real problem
right now with, uh, you know...

Christian fascism...

is that, you know,
Roe v. Wade was taken down.

Women, all women
in this country have lost

their physical autonomy
and their rights

and the weird thing is,

I don't hear men talking about it.

I hear no men talking about it.

Which is unusual to me
because if you're a guy

with any game at all,

you've paid for at least two of those.

So you had something to say
at some point in time.

I think most men are pro-choice,
usually desperately.

Baby, it's up to you.
It's your choice,

but not a great time, right?

I mean, for either of us,
it's just not a good time.

I mean, fuck, right? Fuck!

No, I'm not mad at you,
it's just my whole fucking life!

I'm not crying, just do what you want!

I'll pay for it.
I'll drive you down there.

I'll take you to the place.

We can get pancakes
at that place you like.

Or the entertainer's version,

I'll fly back into town,
just tell me the day!

It's hard to talk to people
of faith about abortion

if they have
the whole murder frame in place.

If it's murder to somebody,
there's really no conversation.

There's no way to bridge it.
You can't do the, like,

No, it's just cluster of cells,
not unlike a tumor. It's just...

going a different direction, you know?

With the same result sometimes,

it's just a longer game, really.

But a lot of it has to do
with the language of choice

which is...
it's practical, it's medical.

You know, abortion, abortion clinic.

Easy to demonize, scary.

Like, if we shifted
some of the language,

we might be able to bridge
a gap and have a conversation

with people of faith.
Maybe just...

Maybe we call them angel factories.

I mean, that would be at least
a conversation starter, right?

I didn't... I don't...
I didn't say abortion clinic.

I said an angel factory.

And how if the concern
is getting souls to heaven,

we need more of them, we need more.

Now...

Christians have corrected me on this.

One guy who wrote me an email.

It was a fairly heady email.
It had two levels to it.

The first level was, The number
of angels is finite.

Dead children do not become
angels, they're separate things.

There's only a given number
of angels, good and bad.

So you were wrong there.

And the other thing was,

If a soul needs...
Is gonna go to heaven,

it needs to be baptized.
So, I'm like,

All right, well there's... That's...

We can troubleshoot around that.

Right?

I mean, there's a lot of priests
around with a lot of free time,

and historically,
that's not a great thing.

But I say get the priests out
in front of the angel factories

with the water and the,
whatever the kind of Latin hokum

they need to do
the little dance around.

And just do it for each woman
coming in and then, boom!

Guaranteed soul
right up to heaven, every time.

And I think that the vibe
outside an angel factory

with the Christians hanging out
will be different than those

at the abortion clinic.
I think it'd be more festive.

Just like...

Just standing around
watching the counter

on the side of the building.

Maybe there's a bell on top of it.

Bing! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus.

When the bell rings,
an angel gets its wings.

We are blessed today.
We are blessed.

Thank you, lady.

Put a little money in the jar.
You're not off the hook.

So, okay.

I know it's a lot to get through,

especially from a Jew.

I don't know why I do this.

I don't know why every show,
there's part of me,

that just wants to keep poking
the Jew thing...

just so people who think
they don't have anything

against Jews, under their breath says,

We fucking get it, man.

I just want you
to find that part of you.

All right.
So...

I'm getting old.

I'm 59. It's not really old,
but it's ol... I'm in a...

Yeah, whatever. I'm in a...

It's no victory.
Just luck.

So... But it's weird,
you get to a certain age

where like, like almost every night,

right before I go to sleep,
I'm like, Is this it?

Right? And then the next thought
is always like,

I gotta get rid of some shit.

I got too much shit, man.

But I don't always know
that I'm getting older.

I don't always feel it because I think

it's a few reasons,
'cause I don't have kids.

I think if you have kids,

you can kinda see
you're dying in your kids.

I mean, maybe that's cynical
and I don't really know,

but I have to imagine

at some point you're like,
Happy birthday, son.

How old are you today?
Seventeen?

Fuck, I'm dying.

I'm sorry. I meant
to say have fun today.

I don't know. I guess
I was thinking out loud

a little bit.

Mirrors don't really help.

I mean, they do,
but that you can't trust them.

You have a relationship
with your mirror.

It's the same thing
you look at every day.

You have a codependent
relationship with the mirror

that you look in every day
where you gaslight yourself

into believing
that you're hanging in there.

I don't know what your ritual is,

but it's probably something
along the lines of...

And then you walk out into the world

totally deluded...

that you look
the age you think you look.

The only time I know
how I'm getting old,

or that I am getting old,

is when I look at pictures of myself.

Then it's... It's somehow,

it's clearer to me
'cause it's separate.

And I look at pictures and I'm like,

Oh, my God, look at my old head!

Look at my old, big head!

When did my head get big and old?

And it did,
and there's nothing you can do

under your head

that's gonna diminish
from your old head.

No matter how you dress.
Everyone...

People are gonna be like, Cool boots,

old head though, right?

Yes, it is an old head.
It's an old, honest head.

I do nothing to it.

I can't dye my hair.
Who the hell...

How can you dye
your hair in your mid fifties

as a dude and just...
What, you just expect everyone

in your life to play along
with that decision, like...

You just show up one day
and everyone's like, Oh, fuck,

I guess that's who he is now.

What do you think, man?
You think... Does it look good?

I'm like, What are you
going for, Dracula?

If you're going for Dracula,
you nailed it.

I did it myself.
I can tell,

you dyed your scalp.

Think it's a little late
to go through a goth period,

don't you? Am I wrong?

And I think about what kind
of old guy I'm gonna be.

I don't know, like,
you know, I'm approaching it,

but, like, I know guys
in their eighties.

Like, and I've decided that

there's like two kinds
of old guys in their eighties.

Like, there's the kinda guy

that no matter what kinda life he had,

you know, he's got some humility,

he knows where he's at in his life.

You know, he's got
a certain amount of acceptance,

you know, the kinda guy that's like,

Yeah, you know, life was hard,

but, you know, it was up and down.

But I'm just happy to have another day.

I'm grateful,
and I'm just gonna sit here

and watch the water.

Right? That guy.

And then there's
the other guy in his eighties

that no matter
what kind of life he had,

in his mind, he got fucked somehow.

The whole thing was bullshit.
It was all bullshit.

No money left. No fucking money.
Two ex-wives. No money.

One of my kids doesn't talk to me.

The one that does is a moron.

Fuck the whole thing, it was bullshit.

Just gonna sit here
and watch this asshole,

watch the water.

My best friend here, the water watcher.

Not mad at this guy.

Not today, you're not, but yesterday...

Shut up. Don't talk.

I have old guys in my life.

My dad's still alive.
My dad is 84 years old.

Don't. No. Don't.

I get... Don't.
Hold your applause...

'cause I have to preface
this material by...

with some honesty.
My... For most of my life,

my father was very self-centered.

He had bipolar,

emotionally abusive, narcissistic fuck.

Now, the only reason
I'm telling you that

is because I don't want you to have

the wrong amount of empathy...

when I do these next few jokes.

I don't want you,

I don't want you rooting
for the wrong guy.

My father's 84,

recently diagnosed with dementia.

We're all pretty excited.

Everyone's dealing with this,
everyone's dealing with this.

And I gotta be honest with you,
he's right at the beginning,

so he's still got
almost all his old memories.

Day of stuff's a little tricky.
But to be honest,

he's very pleasant
to be around right now.

He's open,
he's kinda funny. He's warm.

Look, I guess what I'm saying is,

I know it's a terrible disease,
but don't miss the sweet spot.

It's...

I think it's right at the beginning.

It's just lovely.
It really is just lovely.

I'll just walk up to him and be like,

How you doing, Dad?
How you doing?

I rub his little head.

People get uncomfortable

when they think of me
rubbing my dad's head.

What am I supposed to be doing?

What's my name?

Where do you live?
Do you know where you live?

What day is today?

That's what they've earned at 84
is for you to selfishly

yell at them thinking it helps

as they look at you
confused and crying.

But I'm showing up for him,
which is interesting, you know,

because we did
have a difficult relationship

and it's kinda nice
to live to be my age

and have your parents alive,

because, look, I'm one of those people.

I have a hard time
when people my age say,

Aren't you a little old

to still be mad at your parents?

No.

They did it.

I love my audience

because I just know
there's a room full of people

that were... They only
had maybe one good parent.

Maybe. So it's a big room
full of broken toys in here.

Every day is a fucking challenge
and you're overly sensitive

and just...
battling dread all the time

and wondering if you're talented.

So...

So, my dad, so, he's like...
Okay, so, here's the thing.

I'm like, I'm showing up
for the guy, like I said before.

And it is weird,
but something gives way,

no matter how difficult

the relationship was between you
and that parent or both of them.

Like, you get old enough,
and, you know, in your mind,

you're sort of like, I kind of won.

So, I'm gonna go out there, you know?

But I go out there
to hang out with him.

You know, the dementia
is new to him, it's new to me.

I don't know his life that well.

And I'll take him out
to this Chinese place.

The last time I was there,

we go to the Chinese place
and I order, you know,

soup and some entrées.

And we're just sitting there,
me and my dad,

just sitting there,

and he just picks up his soup spoon

and he fills it with soy sauce.

And he's looking right at me,
right in my face.

And he just sucks the spoonful
of soy sauce down.

And my only thought in that moment was,

I didn't know my dad did that.

I really haven't gone out to Chinese

with him in a long time, I guess.

You know. That's wild.
Right out of the spoon.

Yeah, I watched him fill it
up again. He filled it up again.

He's looking right at me.

And I said, Is that good?
And he said, I like it.

He did it three times...

before my brain was like,
He has dementia.

Take the spoon away from him,

or he'll drink all the soy sauce
one spoonful at a time.

So I put the spoon down.

Dad, we're gonna have food coming.

And he's like, All right.
Now, there he is.

Every time I do that to his head,

he's like...

And, look, I know.

I know it's a terrible disease and...

you know, and at some point, he's...

He's not going to know
who I am anymore. I know that.

And I also know, on that day,

I will be truly free.

Hey, Dad, how you feeling?
Who the fuck are you?

Yes! It's over.

The most toxic relationship

of my life just ended, buddy,
just ended.

Who the fuck are you?
Doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter. I thought
I knew you. My bad. My bad.

So I have this other old man
in my life.

My mother is still alive.
But I can't...

I'm going to go easy on her
because she's still,

you know, cognizant.

It's not great.

But she's got this boyfriend.

Do you still call him
a boyfriend when they're 85?

The guy who's fucking my mother
is 85 years old and...

I should be nothing but grateful
that he's fucking my mother.

I should thank God every day
that John is fucking my mother.

Right. It's great.
Takes a load off of me.

In a metaphorical way.

But John's difficult.

And it's not
'cause he's fucking my mother.

I mean, like, I'm 59. He's 85.
Is there a point

where you grow past that sort of like,

Why are you fucking this guy, Ma?

But they've been together a long time.

He's just annoying, you know?
And I try to be tolerant.

But he's one of these old guys
that, you know...

He just talks. He talks a lot.

He thinks he's telling stories,
but he's not really.

They don't go anywhere.
They don't land.

You don't even know they're over,

you know, until he wistfully says,

It was a different time.
You know?

And it's annoying, you know?

Like, I'll go over there
and he'll be like,

Marc. Marc, come here.
Let me tell you something.

What? Listen. Okay?
When I was younger,

we used to go to the delicatessen,

maybe have a sandwich,
some coffee, talk a little bit.

It was a different time.

Is that the whole thing?
That's the whole story?

Why you got to be a wiseass?
It's just not a story.

I mean, there was probably
a story in there.

You know, what deli?
Who were you talking to?

What kind of sandwich?
A lot of options.

You chose none of them. Zero.

I can't talk to you. Good.
Don't fucking talk to me or...

get some sort of narrative arc going.

Flesh it out a little bit.
Land it. Land it.

Marc. Come here,
let me tell you something.

What? What is it?

Listen. Okay?
When I was younger.

Yeah?

We used to go out
maybe on a Saturday night

with the ladies, to a show.

Always shined my shoes. Always.

Different time.

Not a story, again, not a story.

Why you got to be a wiseass?

I'm just saying,
there was a story in there?

What show? What ladies?
What year?

The type of shoe
would be a nice detail.

Maybe that's just me.
I can't talk to you.

Good. Don't fucking talk to me.
Do me a favor.

Marc. What?

Listen. What? What is it?

New York City. Okay, yeah?

It's raining outside.

Okay.

Different time.

Wait, are these poems?
These are poems.

I thought you're trying
to tell stories,

but these are actually poems
and they're kind of good.

You're kind of an amazing poet.

Maybe we should self-publish
an anthology of your poetry.

And just call it, It Was
a Different Time: The Poems.

Like, I could blurb it for you.

Quote, 'These little bits
and pieces of his life

are just vague enough
to make you wonder

what it was like to be him
during the times

he doesn't really
tell you about...'

unquote. Marc Maron,

stand up-comic, podcaster,
his girlfriend's son.

But the point I was trying to make

is that the mortality thing,

the idea of impending death,
which is, you know,

pretty much going to happen.
To everyone.

It's right there.

And I know a lot of you know me
and you know my life

'cause you listen to me all the time.

And you know that during COVID,
my partner, my girlfriend,

Lynn Shelton, the director,
the genius passed away.

She didn't get COVID.

Thank you, I...

I'm assuming that's applaud
of recognition.

Thank God, she's gone. Jesus.

So... Take it easy.

It'll be okay.

I can get right back into the sad tone.

But she did. She passed away.

And it was the most horrible thing

that's ever happened to me.
And I'm sure to her.

And...

It was right there.

But let me get serious.
You know, she did die

and it was a terrible tragedy.
And the truth is, like,

I'm a guy who talks about his life.

So I wasn't clear
how that was gonna go.

How am I going to talk about that?

You know, Is that ever going to happen?

Is there a way to bring humor to that?

Because I'm not really the kind of guy

that's like, She's dead,
what are the bits?

Let's get going. You know?

But there was also moments
where I'm like,

Well, maybe I can't do it.

Maybe I have to do something
more serious.

Maybe I have to do maybe
a Jewish themed one-man show,

you know, maybe, like,
Marc Maron's Kaddish:

A Prayer for the Dead, you know,

sort of a black box theater.
You know, before the show,

there's like Israeli music
playing, you know.

And then the lights come up
and I just lean into it.

♪ Yis-gadal, v'yis-kadash! ♪

People would walk out
of that show going,

Definitely wasn't funny,
wasn't funny at all.

And I like him. He's funny.
But this was very sad.

But I'm glad he did it.

He seemed to, like, really work
through some stuff.

But not one laugh.
Not one laugh.

And I'm not Jewish,

so I missed half the references.

But then I thought, Well,
maybe how about a TED talk?

People do TED talks.
I could do a TED talk.

How hard is a fucking TED talk?
I just have to get one

of those weird, you know,
earphone, microphones.

You know, change my posture
a little bit.

You know, like, Everyone dies.

I'm gonna die.

You're going to die. We all die.
I'm Marc Maron. I'm a comedian.

But then, ultimately,
what happens is I realize,

well, you're just going
to talk about it.

You know, somehow or another,
you figured out

you're gonna talk about it
and if, you know,

you need to talk about it
in a funny way,

it will happen at some point

if it's necessary, which it always is.

But, like, I realize, you know,
and thinking about it that,

you know, no one really talks
about grief.

No one talks about PTSD.

No one knows how to process this stuff.

Everybody has it. It's just,
you know, locked into us.

And there's not a conversation.

There's not really
a cultural conversation

around it. And it's difficult.
You know, when she died,

the only things that really
kind of stuck in my head

was that I'm not the victim,
you know, she is.

And it's horrible.

And, you know, this is not unusual.

People die in people's lives.
Tragedy happens.

You hope it doesn't happen to you,

but it happens to probably most people.

And then the Jewish thing, you know,

May her memory be a blessing.

These sort of, you know, kept me going.

And it was a difficult time
to grieve because it was COVID,

so, you know,
no one could really come by.

People reached out,
but there was not a lot of,

you know, human contact, and I guess...

I'd be honest with you,
I got very tired of crying

in front of strangers, my neighbors.

'Cause I didn't know them.
And it was in the paper.

And this is how I met my neighbors.

You know, and grief
is a fucked up thing.

You know, I remember, like,
a week after she died,

I was just taking my garbage out

and from across the street,
I hear, Hey, Marc, I'm Troy.

I live across the street.
How are you doing, man?

I'm like, Not good, dude!
It's not good.

He's like, Yeah, I bet, buddy.
I bet.

It's fucking terrible.
I bet, man.

Well, I'm just across the street.

I know, man. I see you.
You're right there.

And he just stood there
until I stopped crying.

And I was like, Thanks, man.

That's... I feel better, buddy.
I feel better.

Nice meeting you, dude.

It was that moment
where I realized, like,

it doesn't take much to show up
for somebody in grief.

And a lot of us,
when it happens in our lives,

you're like, What do I do?
What do I say?

You don't have to say anything.
You barely have to show up.

You don't even
have to invest emotionally.

You just have to be like,
How you doing?

Wait till they stop crying
and go like, Okay.

And they'll think

you're the greatest person
in the world.

Like, You really showed up
for me when I was grieving.

I'm like, Really?
Oh, yeah. Okay.

So...

But it was just weird because,
you know, it was COVID.

And, you know, I just sit on my porch

and people I knew would come over

and they stand in the yard,
you know, with their mask on.

I felt like a zoo exhibit.

There should've just been a sign
that said, Grieving Man.

And I would just sit there

and people would show up,
they'd be like,

How are you doing?
I'm like, Not great.

We brought food.

Slide it into the cage.

Oh, bagels. I like bagels.

Grieving Man feeding time.

People wanna help you.
You want to be helped.

You want to feel better.
You want it to go away.

But it doesn't, because it happened.

And you realize over time
that it'll never go away.

But people want to help
and you want to feel better.

If you have smart friends,

you'll get, like, six copies
of the Joan Didion book.

It seems like there's a group of people

that as soon as someone dies, man,

The Year of Magical Thinking goes out.

And you read it
'cause you want to feel better.

And you're like, All right.
So her husband died, too.

Didn't really help me.

But if you're a creative person,
it adds another level of despair

'cause you're like, Fuck,
do I need to start writing now?

People tell you things that they want,

they think will make you feel better.

Like, I remember someone told me,

I can't remember who it was.

They said, Hey, man, you know,

when people die,
they don't really leave.

You know, their energy is still here.

And I'm like, How is that helpful?

I got used to her in a human form.

And this person was like, Yeah,
but just think about it, man,

everyone who's ever died,
their energy is still here.

And I'm like, Okay.

But oddly, you know,

when you're fucking sad,
you'll go mystical.

You need it.

A couple of days
after that guy told me that,

I'm just sitting on my porch

and a hummingbird came
right up to my head,

just like...

I'm like, Oh, my God! Lynn!
Lynn, you're a hummingbird now.

Of course, you are.
That makes so much sense.

I miss you, baby.
I can't believe

you're a hummingbird.
What's that like? That's crazy.

And then the next day

there were, like, four hummingbirds

and I'm like,
What the fuck is happening?

Which one is Lynn? Who's Lynn?

Is this, like, Lynn
and her new dead friends?

This is what happens when people die.

They just become birds
of one kind or another.

That's going to disappoint
some Christians.

Everything will be amazing
when you're a bird.

Put the money in the jar.

But the bird thing kind of stuck
because, like, at some point,

like, a bird, you know,
built a nest right above

where I walk into my house
and they just shit so much.

It's, like, astounding.

If you really just take a minute
to think, like,

How much do birds shit?
It's a lot.

And I have to be careful
walking into my house

because the bird was shitting,
and at some point I said,

Hey, baby, I'm not going to forget you.

Is there a different way...

that we can do this?
You know,

I still have the hat and stuff, and...

the shit thing's kind of tired,
I think.

But, look, I miss her and it's weird

when you lose somebody
because it really, you know,

it wakes you up to some...

To who you are really,
and also how fragile life is.

You know, maybe love will happen again.

I don't know.
I'm not that great at it.

I just... I come
from very selfish stock,

and I don't have the tools necessary

to really be as open as I'd like.

But who knows? It might happen.
I might find love again.

And maybe I'll be sleeping
with a person I love,

having love sex as opposed
to the other kind.

Equally as good.

But maybe I'm having love sex

and, you know, it's beautiful
and the woman

I'm having sex with

kind of looks over my shoulder
and she says,

Why is that hummingbird
just hovering out there?

I'm like, Yeah,
that's my old girlfriend.

She just... I don't know.

She just likes
to be part of it sometimes.

You cool with that?
Is she with her friends?

Usually there's four of them and...

it's fucking out of control.

I did wonder, like,

would I ever be able
to be funny about things?

But I find that, like, you know,

humor that comes from real darkness

is really the best
because it disarms it.

It's elevating to the spirit.
It's why I got into comedy,

because I would watch comics
and they would take things

that were complicated
or horrifying and simplify them

and sort of make you see them
in a different way

and have a laugh.

And I think it's a beautiful thing.

And necessary, like,
I believe there was probably,

some hilarious people in Auschwitz.

I mean, come on.
It was, like, all Jews.

Are you going to tell me...

are you going to tell me
there wasn't one guy

where the other Jews are like,

Are you going to watch Murray tonight?

It's crazy. He's hilarious.
He does all the Nazis.

It's hilarious.

Of course, there was.

I'm sure there's, like,
an Auschwitz joke book

written by Jews that no one
knows how to publish.

What are we going to call it?

The Auschwitz Joke Book by Jews.

It's not happening. We can't.

It'll be misunderstood.
We can't.

But I do remember the first,
you know, joke that came to me

about Lynn's passing
that made me feel better.

And I'll share it with you.
The setup is heavy.

And if you're... if...

The fact that you're going
to die is triggering to you,

you might want to leave
for a few minutes.

All right. So...

this is a day that a lot
of people have had.

It's when you have a loved one

in the hospital
who's fighting for their life.

It's a horrible day.
Don't wish it on anybody.

It's the worst day of your life.

You're on the phone
with doctors, with friends,

with family members,
trying to hold on to hope,

trying to get information,

trying to figure out a way
to stay positive.

You know, and at some point, you know,

it turns and it's not going to work out

the way that you want it to work out.

And about 5:30,
6:30 in the afternoon,

you know, the doctor says to me,
he says,

Look, you can come down here
and see her if you want.

This is peak COVID,
no one's in hospitals.

She's probably going to be gone.

We're taking her off the machines,

but you can come down here and see her.

And I was like...

What? Do... What do you mean?
Do people even do that?

And he's like,
I don't know what people do.

I'm just telling you
I can make that happen.

I'm like, I don't know.
I don't know.

I don't know what to do.
I gotta, you know,

I gotta call, like, 12 people
to figure out what to do.

So I start calling people and I'm like,

Dude, the doctor just said
that I can go see her

and she's going to be dead.

And they're like, That's fucked up.

And I'm like, That's not helpful.

So I went through about nine of those.

And finally, I called Michaela Watkins,

who's a friend of both of ours,
great actress.

And I go, Michaela, the doctor says

I can come see her,
but she's going to be dead.

And Michaela just goes,
Oh, you have to do that.

And I'm like, I don't.
It sounds terrible.

She goes, You would regret
not doing that.

And I thought, like,
You don't really know me,

apparently, because it sounds
like the worst thing

I could ever do in my life.
And she said,

Well, it's never going to happen again,

and it might be good to do it

because there's going
to be closure there

and you don't really know
how it will feel.

And it's an important thing
to do. It's an opportunity.

And I'm like, Oh, okay. Fuck.

So I call the doctor back and I'm like,

All right, I'm in, I'm coming down.

And he's like, All right, well,
I gotta give you a heads up.

We can't really clean up

because the coroner
has to sign off on her.

And I'm like,
You're not really selling this.

I gotta be honest with you.

I don't know if I can handle it, man.

He's like, You can handle it.

Just come down here
and we'll take care of you.

And I'm like, Oh, all right.
So, now, it's 12:30 at night,

I'm driving down to the hospital
and I'm in shock.

My girlfriend died.

You know, out of body experience.

I'm shattered and totally traumatized.

And I'm driving alone

to this hospital
in the middle of the night.

And I get to the hospital
and there's no one in it,

just a security guard. I'm like,
I'm here.

He says, Yeah, I know.

And he takes me up to intensive care.

Now, like, thank God for nurses.

They're real heroes
and they're at this shit.

Yeah.

Every day.

Every day, nurses are dealing
with this stuff.

And I'm saying that to preface
the fact that the nurses

up in the ICU were a little chipper.

I don't know why. But...

Maybe it was helpful.
I don't know.

But I got up there and I'm like, Hi.

And they're like, Hi!
And I'm like, Re... Okay.

And I'm like, You know,
I'm here to see Lynn Shelton.

They're like, We know,
she's just in there.

And there's no rooms
in an ICU. Not at this one.

It was dark
and there was just curtains.

And they said, She's in there.

You know, you go in there
and, you know,

take as much time as you want.
And I'm like, Okay.

So I walk in there
and Lynn's there and she's gone.

And I was able to, you know,
touch her forehead

and, you know, tell her
I loved her and cry,

you know, for a few minutes.

And I stayed with her
for a good five minutes,

and I was like, you know, I felt like,

Okay, I'm going to go,
you know, and I said goodbye

and I'm walking out and I'm thinking,

Selfie? No. Right?

Now...

when I wrote that joke

or when I came up with it,
it made me feel so happy.

But I didn't know
what to do with it, you know,

so I call the darkest comic I know,

Dan Vitale, who's since passed.

And I said... I told the joke.
And he's like,

Oh, my God, that's amazing.
But you can never tell that.

And I'm like,
I don't know, man. We'll see.

I think... And I think Lynn
would like it,

you know, and I held on to that,

you know, until I got
to Ireland recently.

And now, it's become unclear.

I was doing that bit in Ireland,

and her and I had a vacation there.

It was the only vacation we had taken

and we had an amazing time.
We both had a deep sort of love

for Ireland for whatever reason,
because it's amazing. But...

So I'm in Dublin doing a show recently

and I do that bit

and the lights in the venue
started going on and off.

The lights on me started wavering.

And everyone in the room
was like, Oh, my God.

And I'm like, Take it easy.
Hi, Lynn.

I'm glad you're in Ireland
and you love it here. You good?

And then it was like, Okay.
And I did...

And I took it as a sign that,
Okay, she likes the jokes.

Wait. But wait.

So then I get back to my hotel room

and the venue manager said,
That's never happened before.

No, it was Lynn, she's hanging out.

So... Usually she's a bird.

So...

But I get back to my hotel room
in Ireland and I go to turn

the lamp on and the bulb goes...

It just doesn't... It goes out.
And I'm like,

Shit. What's up, baby?

But I'm still holding on
to the idea that,

No, she likes the jokes.
Right?

When you're sad, you'll go mystical.

So I do them in Texas
a few months later

and during that bit
the mic starts going in and out

and I'm like, Oh, shit,
she came to Texas.

Maybe she doesn't like the jokes.

But I thought if it happens
at the HBO taping,

I'm definitely never doing them again.

But...

Look. I... She was, you know,
a big supporter of mine,

and I loved her and I miss her.
So, rest in peace, Lynn Shelton.

You know, I'm...

You know, I do try to focus
on gratitude to some degree

when I can, and I have no kids.
And it's amazing.

It really is. It's...
I can't even begin to tell you,

if you have them what...

Well, how amazing it would
have been if you didn't.

And I think even ten years ago,

a 59-year-old man on stage
saying he didn't have kids,

a lot of people would be like, Aw,

but I think that paradigm
is shifting a little bit.

I think there are people that are like,

Oh, God, good for you.
Jesus, what a mistake.

I don't know why people have them.

I have nothing against them.
But it really seems that people

don't know that
they don't have to have them.

Like, something just clicks on
and they're like,

I guess it's time. It's like,
It doesn't have to be.

You're human. You can decide.
You're not a dog.

It's not based on a smell.
Think about it.

But I just... I never thought
about having them.

I never really wanted to have them.

And people, you know, say to me,
you know, like,

Well, don't you get lonely?
I'm like, I do.

I get very lonely.
But I never think, like, a kid

would make this better, you know?

I've had two wives and I got no kids.

It takes a special kind of asshole...

to have two wives and no kids.

I think my second wife
put it like this,

You think I'm bringing
children into this?

It was a different time.

Look, if you have love in your heart

and you want to bring
a kid in the world

'cause you want to spread that love

or whatever the way is.

And that's your impulse,
that's your reason.

Good. Do it, you know.

You know, I think
it's a beautiful thing.

But if you have nothing but like

a weird void where your heart should be

and you think like,
A kid will fill this.

Maybe don't do it. Maybe don't.

Because that void will be passed along

for generations.

You can't stop the void from moving.

You can now track your void on 23andMe.

My void started in the chest
of a tailor's wife in Belarus...

in the 1850s,
in the Pale of Settlement,

it was a... It's a 99.9 percent
Ashkenazi void.

And you've all been sitting
in it for an hour now.

People had children
during the pandemic.

What kind of...

cynical, selfish weirdos...

saw that as an opportunity
to start a family?

Like, there's no cure,
there's no vaccine.

And people are like, Let's have a baby.

What if we all die?
Then we'll die as a family.

I think we should do it.

At some point, those plague babies

are going to want answers.
They're gonna...

they're gonna want to know

what it was like before they were born.

And some dad is going
to have to step up and be like,

All right, son, I think
you're ready to hear this,

you're five.

Before you were born,
there was a horrible disease

that was spreading around the world

that killed millions of people.

And there was no cure
and no medicine for it.

And we couldn't leave the house.

Your mother and I
were stuck in the house,

for a long time!

We had to have food delivered.
It was dark and scary.

You just couldn't leave the house.

And then eventually, you had to.

You just had to get out.

And you had to wear gloves
and a mask and a visor.

Yeah, kind of like a superhero.

Like an angry superhero
that just needed some space.

And then your mom started making bread.

I don't know why.

So a lot of bread being made.

It was like a bakery at the house,

sometimes two, three loaves a day.

Sometimes she'd walk
into the living room

with a loaf and say,

'I don't think this one turned out,

but we can still eat it.'

And I ate it because I didn't want

to hurt her feelings.
It was a dark time!

Then puzzles started coming.

There were puzzles coming.
Yeah, I don't like puzzles.

You don't like puzzles, do you?
They're terrible, right?

I know, right?

Hundreds of puzzles it seemed like.

We're doing puzzles all the time.

We're watching movies
we've seen, like, five times.

We're eating bread.
It's the worst.

It was terrible.
And then, you know,

she starts drinking wine and I'm like,

'All right, if she's going
to do it, I'll drink scotch.'

And at some point, I just think

we stopped loving each other and...

I'll be honest with you, I was Zooming

with a woman from work and...

But I couldn't act on it.

I don't know what she was doing.

It was just bad.
And, you know,

we were fighting and drinking
and eating bread.

And one time we were just
yelling at each other,

we're crying, and it was very sad

and we didn't know what to do.

And, you know, I kicked over a puzzle

because I was mad and I don't know,

we just ended up
having sex on the floor,

right on the puzzle pieces.

And puzzle pieces were sticking to us.

I don't know. Well,
that's when we made you.

Oh, shit. I think she's here.
Do you have all your stuff?

Where's your iPad?
Is it in your backpack?

She's coming. Just go.
I don't want to talk.

Just go out there. Go.
She's getting out of the car.

Go out there.
You have everything? I love you.

I'll talk to you in a week.
Don't tell her what I told you.

Go. Get out there.
She's coming.

That's a one-man show
called Plague Baby.

Thank you.

That'll be running in repertory
with Voices From the Future

A Prayer for the Dead,

in an evening of one-acts
when they are all published

in the same volume

from the Samuel French
Publishing Company.

The other reason I'm happy
I don't have kids is,

I have friends my age
who have grown kids.

Grown-ups.
And if I haven't seen

that friend in a while
and ask him how his kids are,

it's never a great story.

I mean, it's like...

70 percent of the time,
it's not a good story. So...

Hey, man, long time.
How you been?

I'm dealing, you know how it is.

Yeah, man. Me, too.
How are the kids?

Well, you know...

one of them is doing great.

But the other one, I don't know,
kind of got away from us.

I don't know what the fuck happened.

I don't know if it's anyone's fault,

but fuck 'em. I've had it.

Got a guy out there
looking for him again.

It's just bullshit.
It's killing his mother.

I can't fucking take it.
Fuck that kid.

But... his sister
is doing great.

Just got in to a good school.
Thanks for asking.

That sounds terrible.
You know how it is.

I don't.

And then they always ask me
the same thing

if they know me, and I can't help

but hear it as condescending,
where they're like,

Oh, that's right, you still got cats.

How those cats doing?

But in my head, I'm always like,
Go fuck yourself.

You think you're a better man than me

because you have human kids.

Like, that makes you
more responsible? More evolved?

A better human?
Go fuck yourself.

I have three cats that I love
and in the best case scenario,

I'm going to have to have them
all killed.

I'm going to have to kill my friends.

And I knew it going in.
That's how big my heart is.

You can't have your drug-addled
son put down, can you?

No matter how much you want to,

you can't walk
into a veterinarian's office

and just say, I think it's time.

He's not grooming himself.
He's barely eating.

Can't keep his head up.
There we go. There we go.

This is a veterinarian's office.

We don't do people.
I'm like, Doc, I got cash.

How much would it take?
Just help me out.

Do me a... His mother thinks
he's dead already.

Can't you just bring him in back?

Knock him out, burn him up,
put him in a box.

And if you want, you give me
the handprint on the paper.

You kind of got to go

all the way with that one.
I'm sorry, I...

Yeah, man, it's 'cause
I'm an anti-woke comedian.

So...

I almost bought a gun recently.

My friends are like, What,
just for home protection?

I'm like, I don't know.
It just feels like it's time.

What do you mean?
When they come around

looking for Jews
who have had HBO specials...

I just want to go
down shooting, that's all.

I don't think I'll win.

I just want to go down shooting.

That's my right as an American.

That's what
the Second Amendment
is all about.

It's like...
It's not about gun ownership.

It's about going down shooting!

I currently have a bat.

I'm a grown man with my own house

on the second floor,
in his own bedroom,

with a bat next to his bed.
That you can see.

Like I live in a dorm room.

And I'll be honest with you,
I don't think I could hit

a guy with a bat...

let alone shoot a guy
with a gun. I mean...

if you're going
to hit a guy with a bat,

you better have hit a guy
with a bat before.

Or you're just going to end up
getting hit with your own bat.

That's how that's going to go.
And it's...

and it's going to happen very quickly.

And you're not even
going to understand how.

You'll just be like,
Get the fuck out of my head!

What's happening?

Why am I running in my house?
Ow!

And I have an alarm system.

I have a very expensive,
multi-laser alarm system

that protects the gemstone
I have in my foyer.

It's a...

Yeah, it's a gift from George Soros.

It's the bonus level.

You know, when you replace
a certain number.

But even with the alarm,
if I hear something in my house,

I'll pick up that bat,
upstairs, in my boxers.

And I'll pick it up and walk around.

And a voice comes out of me

that only comes out of me
when I'm holding a bat.

And I'll do it for you.
But brace yourself.

It's intense.

What's going on down there?

Who's down there?
What's going on?

Yeah. Right.

If you're breaking
into my house, you take pause.

Holy shit. You hear that, man?
That guy means business.

Sounds like he's got a bat up there.

I've been doing this a long time.

That's definitely bat voice.

I'm coming down there!

He won't.

Not that guy.

Let's just take the Jew stone

and get out of here.

But I'll be honest with you,
I like having a bat because...

it's good. A bat is good.

Beca... Look, I'm a... You know,
I'm a moody person.

I have good days,
I have bad days, you know.

But in my heart,

I know, that no matter
how bad my day is,

I'm never going to look
at a bat and think,

I'm going to kill myself.

Because that would take some time...

and a level of commitment
I don't think I have.

Fuck it, man. Fuck this shit.
Fucking done with it, man.

Ow, fuck!

Wow. Fuck, man. Whoo!

Oh.

Fuck this life, man.

I don't want to live anymore.

God damn it.
Ow, fuck!

I feel better.

Wow. That was great.
I think that's all I needed.

I got to remember that.

I got to remember that.
Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.