Original subtitles

You know, I've always wanted to take one of these.

I am Icelandic!

I have to go visit.

Nora, do you wanna come with me?

Okay.

This will be so nice to have family there

to support me on my pilgrimage of the soul.

Edmund, this is amazing.

I know, Sky Lagoon is literally heaven.

I needed a vacation so bad.

It is... Hiawatha, that is... What was that?

I don't know.

It's like a jacuzzi jet that sprinted upwards.

- No. - The hot spot. Hot spot.

- Okay. - Yeah. Yeah.

Speaking of hot spot...

Really?

Here?

I mean, yeah, here.

Like, the dating culture here is so much more progressive

than in America.

Plus, like, the population is so small,

but they're dying for fresh blood, like...

I do pretty well in America, but here,

I'm going buck wild.

Hey, do you recognize me? I'm on TV.

Roast puffin, smoked puffin, puffin in milk sauce.

I'll have all the puffins.

What kind of fish is puffin?

Puffin isn't a fish.

What is it then?

That's a little penguin.

No, it's puffin. It's what we eat.

Yes.

- Taste like chicken. - Taste like chicken.

- You seem to like it. - No.

Who said I seem to like it? I don't like it.

It's bird, you know, has feather.

Okay, I know what a bird is.

- Flies in the air. - I know what a bird is.

That's a little goddamn fucking penguin.

- Hey. - What the...

What? Why?

Do you think my cousins will like it?

What?

You look like a children of the corn.

I just... It's a big deal

meeting my family for the first time,

figuring out my essence.

- Shit. - What?

Is your tail doing that erect thing?

No, it's not my tail. It's my wallet.

I just had it.

Why are you turning? Why are you turning like that?

Because my peripheral vision sucks

in these goddamn gorgeous baby blues.

Well, you shouldn't maybe put baby blues in.

Maybe just rock 'em normal.

No, they're not normal!

Leiv Eiriksson is my grandfather.

Leiv Eiriksson is your grandfather, really?

- Yeah! Yeah! - Really?

- I'm not doing this, okay? - Okay, awesome.

Help me find my wallet, Nora, please.

No.

All right, all right, all right.

I will get you until you...

Just pay me back. When we get back to America.

Hello! You're tourists?

I offer tours for 85 US dollars.

- We're good. - How about $80

and a peck on the cheek?

I suppose that's a reasonable...

Okay, sold!

Wonderful. You will learn so much about Iceland

and you will also have fun.

I plan to.

Another bit of Icelandic culture

you might be interested in is the huldufolk,

or "hidden people," what you may know as elves.

People here think elves are real?

Many of us do, yes,

but our elves are the size of us,

some three times bigger.

They are invisible

unless they choose to reveal themselves.

They believe in elves here?

It's nice. It's cute.

Would you like a lopapeysa?

It's our traditional sweater.

The colors all come from natural dyes.

The blue is from blueberries.

The violet is from crowberries,

and the red is from moss

and maybe a little bit of blood.

I love the pattern on yours.

No, no, this is from Zara.

- Okay. - Next,

we will see horses.

- Horses? - Horses.

You okay?

What?

Why are you staring at the horses all weird?

Because no one gave me a forewarning

that they would be viscerally attractive.

Pull yourself together.

Goddamn. This one looks like Fabio.

Haukur, your ponies look are...

Do not call them ponies.

These are majestic Icelandic horses

and we're honored to be in their presence.

Would you like to ride them?

- Yes. - Yes, absolutely,

- sexually, I mean. - What?

God, I thought these things were majestic.

They are majestic.

Yeah, tell that

to the 13-second-long shart I just heard.

Nora, do not dishonor my native steeds.

Haukur is so hot, though. Do you think he's into me?

I don't know.

He wouldn't shut the hell up

this whole time about Iceland, though.

- He's a guide in Iceland. - Whatever.

Ooh. Yes!

- That's my Christmas kiss! - God.

Jesus. Who says that?

Who says that? My God.

Thank God you picked up Grandma.

Hi, Bao Bao!

How's your vacation going?

Iceland's beautiful. It's just...

It's not as relaxing...

As I thought, you know.

Hey, and where's Edmund?

He's having a good time too?

Yes, he's having a great time

and he cannot come to the phone right now.

Maybe I will come haunt him.

- What? - I've gotta go. Bye.

Give me your skyr, your skyr,

your Viking yoghurt!

Edmund!

Open the...

Can you two calm it down?

My God, are you alone?

Fine, yes,

but it's just because no one in this country

will even bat an eye at me

and it's really driving down my sex streak

and my general self-esteem.

You are here in this country learning about your roots.

You shouldn't be worried about dick streaks

and stranger sex.

Yeah, you're right.

It's like I've been using hookups to fill a hole,

and now I'm gonna stare into that hole

and fill it with my newfound family.

That's great.

Is that a tambourine?

I gotta bang something.

Okay, my auntie and unckie's house is just down that road.

I've been waiting for this day my whole life.

Like, I always knew I was different, you know?

The talent, the tail, the unending stirring within

that refuses to quell itself.

Like, my destiny is waiting

on the other side of that hill, Nora, and...

Damn it! I forgot to bring a gift.

Should I just give cash? Is that tacky?

Yes.

Okay, well, just in case, can I borrow,

like, 20,000 krona?

Okay, let's go.

You know what? You know what? Um,

I think that you should go on your own.

What? Why?

All this spiritual family talk,

it's a boner killer for me.

And, also, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night

because you were having fake sex in the hotel room next to me.

All night.

All sex is performative so that's normal.

I'm gonna go do my own thing.

I think that you should go into your destiny.

Enjoy, you know?

You're right, Nora. Takk fyrir.

I love you, paternal cousin.

Wow.

- You like that? - Yeah.

And don't forget we're your family too.

Yeah!

Damn, is she haunting me?

You're gonna be fine.

Put the tail in.

At least Edmund's having a good time.

Fucker.

What the fuck?

Who the fuck is that?

Hello!

Don't kill me.

- Your what? - The rock

you were throwing, it hit my house.

This is why you're not supposed to throw rocks in Iceland.

Just 'cause I don't, I don't see a house.

Of course not, it's hidden.

I'm huldufolk.

Are elves real?

My name is Alfur.

Nora.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Nora.

Good to meet you.

Maybe you'd like to come to my house,

have a cup of reindeer moss tea.

As long as you don't put a spell on me.

Let me reveal my house to you.

Can you see it now?

Yeah.

- Come along. - Okay.

Yeah, just this way.

Careful, there you go.

Love your nails. Are those extensions or...

No, I grew this myself.

Come. It is so lovely to meet you.

Everyone wanted to come and say hello.

Hello. Takk fyrir.

We love your hair.

- It's beautiful. - It's like our hair.

- We're beautiful. - We're beautiful.

I agree.

Now, Edmund, let us take a look at you.

Let's see if we can find the family resemblance.

Asian?

Bjork?

- Bjork. - Bjork, of course.

Yes. Wait, Bjork isn't our cousin, is she?

No. But we love her music.

So do I.

It's like we really are a family.

So what brings you to Iceland?

I'm just visiting with my cousin

who's meeting some relatives out here.

And I guess I just came to get away from it all, you know?

You sound very stressed.

Yeah, you know what? I am stressed. I am stressed.

I thought this would be relaxing, but, instead,

I'm in a random part of the country

in this little house, you know,

which is lovely, and with an elf

who may or may not be a serial killer.

You know, the only elf that kills is Legolas.

And he, believe it or not, caught long COVID.

But me, you know, I'm pretty cool.

Yeah, you seem... From... Yes, you seem great.

I'm gonna make some more tea.

I have to try one of these cookies, actually.

I made those myself.

Sorry.

I grazed you, sorry.

Yeah, you absolutely did. You did.

That was a graze.

So, nephew, what have you been doing in Iceland so far?

I've just been exploring the people,

and the culture,

and the waterfalls.

Wonderful. Have you been to see Selfoss?

No.

- Skogafoss? - No.

- Svartifoss? - No,

I haven't seen any of the fosses, okay.

I'm fossless!

Sorry.

But I plan to.

It's just, I have been really busy

meeting, trying to meet

new men. Or, friends.

Friends at night. Night friends.

You mentioned in your email

that you also had, like, this hali,

you know, that little joot joot in your back.

It's like, you know, the one cat has.

It's like, you know, stick from the...

A tail.

- Yes. - Yes, a tail.

That's the unequivocal evidence of your relations.

I mean, I mean, Bara, she has one

and the girls as well.

I've never met anyone else with a hali before.

I feel so seen.

- Let me show you. - Okay.

I feel like I'm just swimming and swimming,

and I never reach land.

And even now, I feel guilty,

like I can't shake this feeling

that I should be doing more with my life.

Nora, everything is fine.

How do you know?

Because. etta reddast.

What's that?

It's, things have a way of working out in the end,

so no worries.

Wow, so like an Icelandic hakuna matata.

Exactly. etta reddast.

I love your, like, Icelandic accent

with, like, the way that you have your mastery

of the language and...

Well, I was born here. Yeah.

How would you say my name Nora, for instance?

Yeah. Noo-rah.

- Wow. That's hot. - Yeah.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

I don't know, there's something about your, like, whole vibe,

like your whole, your very impactful presence.

So do you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I have never met anyone like you,

not in all my 800 years.

Wow, you're 800 years old?

No, I'm joking.

I'm only 600.

That's funny.

I get it.

You know, you're looking for answers in your life.

I want you to have this.

What is this?

Elf magic.

I want you to keep it with you always.

In times of need, it will reveal its power.

It smells like coconut body spray.

That's 'cause I took it with me to Bath and Body Works.

You're a fan of Bath and Body Works.

Who isn't?

Thank you.

No, thank you.

I am huldufolk.

But you have plucked my heart out of hiding.

For a long time now, I submitted myself to a life

of loneliness, hopeless romantic solitude,

but now, now I feel...

Yoohoo! Slinky!

- What? - Okay, you gotta go.

- What? - You gotta go.

Is that your wife?

I, um, it's...

- You said you loved me. - No, no, no,

I said I think I could love you.

That's a subtle difference, but it is a difference.

No, you know what? I'm gonna fight for love.

- No, no, no. - Where is she?

- Where is that bitch? - No, no.

- Where is that bitch. - No, Nora, you can't.

She is three times the size of a human.

She has six rows of teeth.

She can bend herself backwards into the shape of a C

and then run 50, 60 miles an hour.

No. No, no, no, I gotta go, I gotta go.

You gotta go.

- Take your stupid little hat. - Hey. It's not little.

Nora?

I love you.

Don't. Don't do this right now.

You want it open or closed?

Yeah, leave it open.

It's funny that I'm Nordic because I always say

Yes-dick.

You're such a funny charismatic young man.

I knew it. It's because you're a fellow Pisces.

Sagittarius.

I must've confused the date

with my sister's first son.

He moved away 10 years ago now.

Yeah, I believe he still works in New York City.

- What are the odds? - Yeah.

He's in show business also.

Have you heard of the TV show Love Order?

Wait, that's where I work.

I play Detective Wang Wang.

Then you must know our cousin, cousin Ingolfur.

We call him Golf.

Point.

What?

Your face. You do know Golf?

I know a Golf.

It could be a different golf.

Is this him?

- Yeah. - Yes, there he is.

My God. I do know this man,

but how did this happen?

What is it, Edmund?

I blew Golf before my DNA test.

I blew Golf and still had Icelandic DNA in my...

My God.

I'm not Icelandic.

No shit, Shao Bao.

I can't believe this. I came all this way.

We were having such a good time, right?

Well, this is strange, no?

But it doesn't have to be strange.

You even said that we could still be family.

The Bjork thing, the...

The hali, unckie, auntie.

Your tail looks like a suspended lightning bolt

or the tail of a cartoon squirrel.

Our tail does not have a curve.

This is a coincidence, not fate.

I think that it's best that you leave now, Edmund.

We made ourselves very vulnerable

to a complete stranger.

I was vulnerable too!

Here's your man pocketbook.

And your little shoes.

I thought this was it.

I really did.

Here, um, it's for you. It's a gift.

Nora!

Edmund!

- Nora! - Edmund!

Nora!

Edmund!

Nora!

No.

They're not my famiglie.

They're not your famiglie?

Okay. Then let's get the fuck out of here.

Yes, bitch, please!

They weren't real!

- What? - They weren't real.

- What do you mean? - You're my family.

Yes. Yes, you're Asian, bitch.

I'm Asian, bitch!

- You're Asian. - I'm Asian!

I didn't even get to see a waterfall.

I fucked an elf.

Hey, where you going?

I'm still haunting him.

I think I'm gonna take a break from Grindr.

I think I'm gonna take a break from elves.

Plus, my Icelandic "family" was all happy

and just made me realize

I want that. You know?

Think you got more ass on this trip than I did.

If by "ass," you mean a rectangular hole

with a beam of light coming out of it,

then, yes, I got a lot of ass on this trip.

Wow. I mean, how am I gonna get over what happened?

Etta reddast.

What?

Alfur told me that.

It's like an Icelandic hakuna matata.

- You know... - What's hakuna matata?

Have you not seen The Lion King?

No, I haven't heard of that one.

You haven't heard of The Lion King?

What did you watch, growing up?

All I watched was Arthur until I was, like, 15.

- Why? - Why?

Is Arthur cancelled or something?

Yes, because he's boring as fuck.

Whatever, Nora, we get it. You watch movies.

You have a Letterboxd account. Shut up.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0