Original subtitles

Erin, hey.

In two minutes, I want you to come into this meeting

and tell me that I have a really important phone call.

I'm not going to take it

because I want him to know how important the meeting is to me.

Who's calling? Nobody.

Just say that I'm... just make it up that I have a phone call.

And then I'm going to refuse to take it.

You're not going to take it?

Just make up a phone call.

It's not a real call.

Just make it up.

Oh, okay. And then come in and tell me.

Okay.

It doesn't matter what it is.

You're not going to get it, though.

I'm not going to take it.

And then he's going to be like,

"wow, this is a really important meeting."

Copy that. Okay.

Okay, so,

tell me exactly what kind of deal

you are getting right now and I'll tell you how we can beat it.

Well, we've been going with...

Andy?

Yeah?

You have a very important call.

I'm sorry, I'm with a very important client. It'll have to wait.

Are you sure? It's really, really important.

There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting.

Really? Because your mother is dead.

Oh, my god!

I don't think she's dead.

She's dead. She was hit by a bus.

She's not dead. This is exactly

the kind of thing my mom pulls.

This isn't one of those times. It's the police.

They said it's the worst they've ever seen.

Andy, I'm really sorry about your mother.

My deepest condolences.

You must take this call. It's...

Yeah, line one?

Line two.

Okay.

It's Darryl.

Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died.

Oh!

Gosh.

Dude. Thank you, officer.

Look, man, this is a bad idea.

Did she have any last words or...

Really? That is messed up, man.

Make sure that your client gets the best deal possible.

You're a bad man, Andy Bernard.

That is so mom. That stuff can come back and get you.

It's called Karma. You do not want to be messing...

All right, but thank you, officer.

I've got an uncle...

Erin, please hold all my other calls.

Where were we?

Hey, Cathy.

How's it going? Everything make sense?

I think everything is under control.

Great. You should sit down.

No, I'm fine.

No, I should go fill out my paperwork.

Okay.

That was just me. Pregnant Pam.

And I make sounds much worse than this.

We know.

I'm training a temp to be my replacement while I'm on maternity leave.

I should have mentioned I'm pregnant.

You probably didn't notice because

it's impossible to tell because I'm so small.

But yeah, I'm pregnant.

Oh, come on.

Hey. Asking for a friend,

do you happen to know if that new girl is single?

Doubt it.

Yeah. Me, too.

You doubt it?

What's that?

Why do you doubt that she's single?

Honestly, I have no idea. I just figured we'd save her from Ryan, right?

What are you doing with my lunch?

I'm delivering it from the fridge.

It's like a porno. "Hey, did anybody order a pizza?"

It's not pizza.

Yeah, and we're not about to make love.

I just thought maybe you'd want

to eat lunch at your desk today

so that during lunch we could go down

to the warehouse and bang out a few tunes.

I like the sound of that. Is Kevin here?

You tell me.

So word on the street is she has a boyfriend.

Well, he's probably a drug dealer.

That's the best way to land a hot girlfriend.

You just... You get her hooked on blow.

It's going to be nice to have just like a

healthy, young, fit presence in the middle of the office.

Yes, aesthetically speaking, strictly.

Yeah.

She adds a nice presence. Ryan: Good energy.

Yeah, it's going to be nice to have

someone hot at Pam's desk, huh?

No, no. Not even.

I'm kidding.

Oh, my gosh, you guys. She's obviously super cute. I get it.

But I'd like to point out there is 50 pounds

more of me to love, if that's your thing.

Pam, you look more beautiful now than ever.

Radiant.

Thank you, guys. Really, thank you, very sweet.

Yeah, you have this sexy glow.

Well, it's one of the most common fetishes.

Really? Well, thank you all.

You know, it's not just pregnant women who don't get their due.

You know who's gorgeous?

Helen mirren. Yes.

Yes, have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing.

What would be the hottest thing ever is a pregnant Helen mirren.

Ooh!

Okay, okay. Okay, no, no, no.

This is disgusting. Do you realize what you're saying?

The hottest thing ever would be a 66-year-old pregnant woman?

In this case, yes. No!

There are universal biological standards of beauty and attraction.

And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them

to mollycoddle a pregnant woman.

Phyllis: No, we're not. No.

Dwight: Yes, you are.

And another thing, Helen mirren was born Helen mironoff.

That's right, you're fake salivating over a Soviet-era Russian.

Nice scatting, man.

Thank you. I think I said "doop" instead of "boop" at one point.

Not bad, fellas. You're better than you look.

Hey, screw you!

Hey, robefl. Are we meeting early?

Just taking a stroll.

What exactly have I stumbled upon here?

Well, we're all musicians and we play together sometimes.

You're a band?

Thank you.

We're called Kevin and the zits.

That was never agreed upon.

I miss being in a band.

Miss no more. What do you play? Join us.

I have a tambourine.

Tambourine? You know I'm the ceo, right?

CEOs don't play tambourines. Tambourines are for girlfriends.

I play harmonica. I think I have one in the car.

Nice. Great.

Guys, Robert is going to be a zit.

Again, never agreed upon.

I had totally given up on hanging out with Robert California

and now he wants to be in our band.

And when you're in a rock and roll band

with somebody, you're bonded for life.

Usually that life is short and tragic.

That's okay, right?

Yeah, even cooler.

We all got to go sometime.

Hey. Hey.

Helen mirren. Hot?

Yeah. Super pretty.

Huh.

What about Cathy?

The temp?

Nope. Yeah, do you think she's hot?

I'm not asking if you're into her.

Just objectively, do you find her attractive?

I'm telling you I don't.

You don't find Cathy attractive?

No, I don't.

No, I'm not going to tell my nine months pregnant wife

that I find her replacement objectively attractive.

Just like I'm not going to tell my 2-year-old daughter

that violent video games are objectively more fun.

It's true, but it doesn't help anybody.

Look at her.

Even I want some fries with that shake.

Okay. I don't. So are we good?

That's just absurd.

Yes, because she's hot, right?

Her breasts are large, her waist is small,

her reproductive health in ample evidence.

Facial symmetry, come on.

The thing about pregnancy is people treat you differently.

Like you're a kid, almost.

They lose all sense of boundaries.

They start acting weird, telling you things that clearly aren't true.

I know it sounds nuts but I think Dwight

is the only one who's telling me the truth.

Dwight, am I hot right now?

Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now?

I can't impregnate you and that's the driving

force between male-female attraction.

What about before? Was I attractive before?

You were at your most attractive when you were 24, with a slight gradual decline.

And a steep drop off when you got pregnant for the first time.

Gradual recovery and...

Well, now obviously you're at an all-time low.

Hmm.

I think Jim's lying to me about not being attracted to Cathy.

You think Jim's lying? That's so cute.

I know he's lying.

5 bucks if you can get him to admit it.

Done.

Inevertouch a pregnant woman.

Yeah, that's the Dwight I need.

If we're going to work together, we need some ground rules.

Okay.

Rule one, our only loyalty is to the truth.

I think so. Okay.

Rule two, we stop at nothing.

What is that... Is it... well, okay.

Rule three.

Don't fall in love.

Yup. Good.

We're going to bust this guy.

Honesty is very important to me.

So important. And then we will destroy the man himself.

Let's just see how we feel when we get there.

Well, you came to the right person.

You have to follow your intuition, Pam.

You don't want to end up like Elin nordegren.

Actually, what am I saying? You wish you had her life. No offense, Pam.

None taken. What have you got?

It is called the matchmaker test and it is very powerful.

Basically, we have Pam ask Jim which

of his friends he would set up with Cathy.

If Jim picks a really hot friend,

then we know he thinks that Cathy's hot.

Hmm.

Hey, you found us.

You guys sound great, man.

Darryl, Andy, Kevin, this is Curtis dorough, local musician,

and the officiate at my wedding.

Local musician?

Local legend. I used to come hear you

play every week at the deerhead.

Kevin: Dude, you're on TV.

You're the sportscaster on channel seven.

Go, eagles!

You do that on TV.

You guys mind if theyjoin us?

Yeah, sure.

Guys, I've got some instruments right here.

Hey, why don't you and me play those?

Yeah?

Okay, this is awesome.

What shall we play?

Maybe we should warm up with some scales?

Yeah. Midnight rambler?

Midnight what?

Have you heard about the midnight rambler?

Hey, this is crazy

Hey, I was talking to Cathy. Turns out she is single.

Oh, I stand corrected.

I thought it might be fun to set her up with someone.

Any ideas?

Oh. You know who might be good? Mike tibbets.

Mike tibbets, really?

Hey, who's this Mike tibbets guy?

What kind of car does he drive?

Not his mom's car.

Yeah, because his mom's car's probably not a Nissan z.

Touche?

Pam: Kelly, calm down.

I mean, I guess he'd be okay with hair.

Okay, you should see if he'll get hair plugs.

I don't think Jim cares about his hair.

Yeah, but I do, Pam. Okay?

It's called being a nice person.

I don't see what's so ugly about him.

He's got the broad face of a brewer.

Jim's on to me.

Yeah, Jim barely talks to Mike.

We had to go through like two levels

of friends to even find his profile.

Jim picked someone just unattractive

enough to shut me up without tipping it.

Just ugly enough to have deniability.

Yup.

Jim: Mike tibbets is like the most boring looking guy I know.

So if that was for the matchmaker test, I think I'm in the clear.

If that wasn't for the matchmaker test then...

Cathy, he's a really nice guy.

Well, Jim may be lying with his words,

but he can't lie with his body.

I'm going to write something mean on his wall.

No, Kelly, don't.

The male reveals attraction

through unconscious and involuntary physical signs.

The puffing of the chest.

Mirroring.

Increased blood flow to the crotch.

I say we start there.

With the crotch? With the crotch?

With the crotch.

Whoo!

Psst.

We're not here. Who said that?

Exactly.

How'd I get this long triangle?

Okay, just shut up.

Is he puffing out his chest?

I can't tell. It's unnaturally sunken.

Busted. He just was mirroring. Did you see that?

No. Maybe he just said something funny.

Jim has no discernible sense of humor, Pam. You should know that.

I think he's just making her laugh.

Time for me to find out.

Why is he making her laugh so much?

Just going to walk over here. Whoa!

I'm slipping and falling! I'm stumbling. I need something to grab onto!

Cathy: Hey, are you okay? I'm fine.

Dwight! Dwight! I'm totally fine!

Yes?

What? Jim?

Sorry about that.

Cramp. I'm just... Dwight!

I'm sorry, I fell down, Mr. Balance.

Leave.

Does your husband ever have soft erections?

Because if not, I just grabbed a very soft penis for nothing.

Why was he making her laugh so much?

Hey, I'll just be a second.

Yeah, take your time. Okay.

That line from zoolander. Mmm-hmm?

It was from a deleted scene so we were both right.

Told you.

Do I hand in my expense reports

to a particular accountant or...

Oscar, Cathy has a question.

Sorry, I'll just go ask Oscar.

Yeah? You okay?

Why won't you just admit that she's attractive?

It's kind of annoying that you won't say it.

Okay, what can I do to make you believe me?

Well, Dwight had this idea and I thought it was kind of crazy,

but maybe that's where we are now.

She called it crazy? Man.

That's insulting. All I did was

propose a makeshift lie detector test.

Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse,

perspiration and breathing rate.

Yeah, it's nuts. But I don't know what else to do.

And she called it nuts?

Seriously, that was hot.

Feel like you and the newsman had a groove going.

Did you know that Lisa toured with chaka Khan?

Are you serious?

From Star Trek?

Hey, you caught some of that?

I caught it.

What, you don't like the blues?

I might enjoy seeing you guys play the blues.

Well, we are playing.

We're all playing together. These are ourjam buddies.

It's a jam session. We go where the music takes us.

I think the music left without you.

Come on. Stop shoving me.

"Stop shoving me. Stop grabbing my penis." Grow up.

Take off your jacket and take a seat.

When it lies, the human body exhibits many telltale signs.

Really? This could all go away

if you just tell me the truth.

Are you all in line?

Why don't you go check out the sympathy cards, old man?

Now I'm going to ask you just a few simple questions.

Wait for this to constrict. Here we go.

Is your name Jim Halpert?

Wait, that's it? That's the question you're going to ask him?

We have to start with a baseline question

to establish what the truth is.

You have to share the machine with others.

Well, that's what they taught me

in my 19th century kindergarten.

Okay, Dwight, come on. You can go first.

Jim, are you serious?

You know what? This reminds me, Cece needs a new toothbrush.

Maybe we could switch instruments.

Yeah.

'Cause my body's starting to get bruised.

Yeah, maybe everyone move one instrument to the right.

We had to leave because of creative differences.

Yeah, they kind of had a specific sound

that didn't really fit in with our thing.

Guys, this means they're Kevin and the zits now.

No, man. We are.

Well... I know, I know.

Okay, you're done.

I have a new heart, you know.

Do you really, tin man? Okay.

Where were we?

Jim: No, I'm not worried.

Because this lie isn't for me, it's for Pam.

And when she gets her body back and her confidence back,

yes, I will tell her the truth.

That_

I had feelings for a co-worker today that I haven't had in years.

In my defense, he was grabbing my crotch

fairly aggressively at the time.

Do you find Cathy Simms attractive?

Yep, he's lying.

See. Was that so hard?

I am not lying.

Really?

Pam, are you really going to listen to his stupid homemade test?

I would listen to my homemade test

because your husband is definitely lying.

In fact, he's lied about every question, even his name.

Who are you, really? Wait, what?

Look at the numbers. Every single time it's come up 150 over 100.

Your husband is a pathological liar.

Jim, you have high blood pressure.

He is definitely attracted to her.

Doesn't your dad have high blood pressure?

Yeah, but I don't smoke.

When was the last time you went to the doctor?

I don't know. It's important to go every month

and get your prostate checked.

You can do it at home by yourself

with your finger. You just stick...

Okay.

Dwight, stop.

I'm not kidding. I mean, I need you to take care of yourself.

What would we do if something happened to you?

Okay, easy. Trust me. I'm around for the long haul.

It's not really your choice, though, is it? Death waits for no man.

Okay.

Come on, let's go. I want to call your doctor.

Doesn't it worry you in the slightest that Jim is not his real name?

Just go home, it doesn't matter.

But the...

Hey, Cece's toothbrush.

Thank you.

Darryl: Ooh, baby, llove your way

every day

both: Want to be with you night and day

and day

ooh, baby, llove your way