Original subtitles

Phew! Wow. It is raining cats and dogs out there.

Holy moly!

Phyllis says the same 12 cliches every time it rains.

So, I promised everyone that if she says them all by noon today,

I will send out for hot chocolates.

So how was the drive in?

Nobody knows how to drive in the rain.

Yeah. You don't say?

You know the roads are actually the slickest in the first half hour?

Ithinkifs ute on, it comes to the surface. Darryl: I agree.

Ooh! The plants are gonnaloveths. Yeah.

Phyllis: I actually sleep better when it's raining.

Meredith: Tell me about it.

“Fimesmmoflup how many are left? Just one.

"This weather makes me want to stay at home, curled up with a good book."

Phyllis, this rain, does it make you want to be doing something?

What do you mean?

You know, like, aren't some things just so nice and cozy in the rain?

Hey, come on. Lots of things are cozy in the rain.

And that's noon. Exacfly!

Sorry about that, everybody.

Hey, Phyllis, would you like a hot chocolate?

Ooh, I'd love one.

I'm going out to get two hot chocolates.

I mean, normally the rain would make me want to stay at home,

curled up with a good book,

but everybody's being so nice to me today.

I'm really happy being here.

My girlfriend's back and there's going to be trouble

hey, ia, hey, ia, his girlfriend's back

hey, ia, hey, ia, my girlfriend's back

A month ago, I walked out of this office

positive I was never coming back.

I probably shouldn't have emailed everyone

telling them exactly what I thought of them.

Hey, Erin, thank you for the nice email.

Yeah. I don't get emotional a lot, but that was...

I'm just glad to know I had an impact.

I meant every word.

In other news, Erin and Andy are back together.

Crazy story. Yes.

I drove all the way down to Florida, she was not expecting it,

yeah. Totally swept her off her feet. Right?

How long was the drive?

It's like a day and a half each way.

But when I got there, I went right up to the house, and I was like...

Day and a half? My lumbar would be killing me.

You should get this lumbar support cushion thing my dad has.

What's it called? Um...

Not easy-rest.

That gas must've cost a pretty penny, huh?

Dwight: Well, he's got a prius.

How many times you fill the tank? Three, four?

What does gas cost down there?

Lumbar buddy! Lumbar buddy.

Dwight: Oh, yeah, lumbar buddy.

Tell you what, I'll email you the story.

It's a real tearjerker, though.

80 read with caution.

Anyway, I know it's the end of the day.

We just wanted to stop by and say hi.

And then later on, we have a reservation at patsel's.

Miss lumbar!

Yeah. Hey, kev.

Nice sweater. Thank you!

Nellie was nice enough to give it to me.

She's sweet. I just wish there was pockets.

What happened to old salty?

Nellie let me bobble-ize him.

His name is now captain mutato.

I've written quite a bit of X-Men fan fiction.

Captain mutato is half-man, half-mermaid.

So he can fight crime as a man

and make love as a mermaid.

Most of my writing involves the latter.

Okey-doke.

Nellie: Yes?

Andy: Whoa!

Well, you must be the famous Nellie Bertram I've been hearing all about.

I am the famous Andy Bernard you have been hearing all about.

Oh, yes. I just want to thank you

forjumping in and minding the store

during my temporary absence.

You are most welcome.

Anyway, now that I'm back, I would love to have my office back,

whenever you get a chance. No.

Obviously we'll figure out the logistics

of moving all of this stuff out of here.

But, you know, the sooner the better. Get back to normalcy.

Mmm. No.

Thank you.

Okay.

Wait. Uh...

When I showed up here, there was no manager.

It's like when the Americans showed up at the moon.

Nobody was there.

So they planted their flag,

and it's their moon now, isn't it?

Nobody likes it, but it's america's bloody moon.

Just lay him in his crib and then bicycle his legs.

And then after Jim quiets down,

you do the same thing with your baby.

But if he keeps having problems, just give me a call.

Oh, my gosh, thank you so much.

But seriously, we don't want to bother you

any more than we already have. That's it.

It's no bother. You guys are our friends.

Ravi, our amazing pediatrician,

was asking us if we knew any girls,

and I said, "I know the perfect girl."

Yeah. Because Kelly is Indian and... oh, that's it!

Race had nothing to do with it.

I just knew they'd be good together.

Why?

Pam: Kelly has been a handful in the past.

But she's had a bad influence.

She's like an addict, and I just had to get her clean.

Get lower.

Next, I'm going to set up my sister with Darryl.

Okay, we get it.

What? I think they'd be good together. Really?

Um, also, little tip, never shake the baby.

Sorry, just to be clear, you're saying do not shake the baby?

Don't shake the baby.

A lot of times parents get frustrated because the baby's crying,

and they shake the baby, and you got to...

You can't do that.

Yeah. Don't shake our baby.

Okay, I'd never heard that before.

Oh, my god. So, thank you.

Yeah, I'm glad you said something. Me, too.

Kelly and I broke up, and she can do whatever she wants.

And her new boyfriend seems awesome,

if you're into Indian people.

I'm not.

And that's when I realized,

if you're gonna put a thermometer in one end,

you'd better put a lollipop in the other.

Hey, I'm sorry. Is this a workplace or a Starbucks?

Because I was under the impression it was a workplace.

Maybe I'm the crazy one.

No. No, we're sorry. Come on, let's go, Ravi.

Also, since when do we have guests here without clearance?

I didn't okay this.

Hey, um...

What's the deal with this guy? He's really into Kelly, huh?

Yeah, they're really great together.

Makes me wonder if I made a mistake.

No, no, no. Come on. I think you guys are both happier now, right?

You're single. Plenty of girls to date, right?

Yeah.

Maybe we weren't right together, but it's weird,

I'd rather she be alone than with somebody.

Is that love?

That's about it, yeah.

Well, Nellie picked up the slack around here

while you were trolling the Florida beaches for tail

like some college student on spring break.

I had to tell Erin how I felt.

Andy, I appreciate your romantic quest,

and in an age before the telephone or Internet,

or written language, that would be compelling.

But there are five, six devices in this room alone

that would have let you tell her that without ever going to Florida.

We live in amazing times.

Yeah, I know I screwed up.

But I always do whatever you ask of me,

and this will never happen again.

And if Erin decides she's made a mistake and returns to Florida?

At least she knows how I feel, and I would not follow her.

What if she were kidnapped by a gang of Albanian human traffickers?

Like in taken?

What?

Yes, of course, if she's taken.

That's what I'm talking about. By Albanians.

I would stay in this office.

Wow, okay. I'll remember you said that.

Nellie,

you've been terrific in your interim capacity,

but Andrew is the rightful manager,

so if you would just give him his office.

I'm sorry?

This is what I was trying to tell you.

I'm not accustomed to people saying no to me.

Well, Bobby, get accustomed to it,

because then it feels so good when they finally say yes.

You're both adults. I'm sure you can

figure this out between yourselves.

I never allow sexual desire to influence a business decision.

So, I find it best to recuse myself temporarily

until I've had a chance to make love,

and then go back and analyze the situation rationally.

Buffett operates the same way.

I want to order the zebra rug for my office,

but can you dye it entirely black?

No, I still want it to be a zebra.

Well, I'll know.

Because they're ridiculous creatures.

They don't know what they are.

Phyllis says j. Duffy's might be more our speed.

And if we want even the option of drawing on the placemats...

I got a little bit of an anger problem.

Got me in some trouble a couple years ago.

Erin: When I see him start to get mad,

I just put my hand on his arm like this.

It reminds me to just check out and relax.

There's also a lullaby they used to sing to me when I was growing up.

The state of Pennsylvania is watching over you

no need for parents, the governor will do

it's really nice.

The general assembly's like a mom and a dad

Had

I got a call about a trespasser.

Yes. Right this way.

Nellie: Because they are idiots. Big, stripy, horsey idiots.

What you don't... hey!

Hank, please remove Nellie from my office.

Hank, thank god you're here.

This psychopath keeps barging into my office.

It's my office.

Well, she's sitting there like a manager.

And you're standing up here like me.

But maybe it's a little more complicated than that.

I'm going to count down from five,

and if you're not out of my office,

I'm going to dock your pay $100.

Five, four...

You can't dock my pay.

I am your boss.

Three, two, one.

Congratulations, you just lost $100.

Really?

Angela, dock Andy's pay $100!

On it!

Great! Five, four, three, two, one.

Angela, please dock Nellie's pay $100.

Is she responding? Hmm...

Angela? Do you want to go again?

Angela! Let's go again.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Oh, she's counting again. Look out.

Angela, $200! Angela: Got it!

Seriously, Angela?

I know what, let's go $10,000.

Five, four... you're just saying numbers.

It's meaningless. Three...

It's literally like... Two, one...

I have to pee.

There you go.

Hey, we're going to have a nice hot date.

Dwight: What are you guys talking about?

Charlie Rose. I don't know who that is.

Andy: Guys. He has...

Guys, come here.

What are you... come on!

Where are we going?

Okay. Do you guys want...

Andy, you should not stand there.

The warehouse guys pee there all the time.

Okay. Do you guys want to be part of something huge?

I'm already a member of the largest club there is.

Non-churchgoing christians.

You remember in the movie Rudy,

when the player comes into the coach's office

and he throws his Jersey down, and he's like,

"I'm not playing without Rudy."

And the coach is like, "one guy. No big deal."

But then every player comes in, one by one,

and they all throw theirjerseys down for Rudy. Remember that?

Yeah, I remember that.

So, how amazing would it be

if you guys all did that for me

with your own brand new dunder Mifflin jerseys?

Hey, guys.

Gross. Gross, gross.

You don't need to go.

I found these the other day while I was journaling,

and they reminded me of you.

Kelly: Those are from our weekend at the time-share.

Yeah, the fractional ownership property.

We took this one right before we got in that huge fight.

God, I don't even remember what that fight was about.

You were being really bratty about

where we would go out to dinner,

but all I remember is how pretty you looked taking those pictures of me.

Anyway, if you want to order prints of your own,

I can send you the link.

Yeah, that'd be cool. Thanks.

I'd like that.

You were so annoyed that I was taking that picture.

Someone's into my abs.

Sorry.

You have doubles of this one, I could probably just take one.

I really want both.

I am seeing a side of Ryan that I have never seen

since the last time we were broken up.

I am in love with Kelly kapoor.

And I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow or the next day

or the day after that, but I do know that right here, right now,

all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her.

Again, that could change.

Hey. So, last night was so not a big deal.

Oh, yeah, I was just tired.

Yeah. We both were.

Plus I was definitely not my normal sexy self.

No. Are you kidding? You were so sexy.

Just the thought of you last night, like, crazy turns me on.

It just didn't last night. But you were so dang doable.

Even though we didn't do it.

Well, it's not like we can't do it again when... whenever you're ready.

Uh, yeah. We are sexing it up tonight. I don't care what you say.

No. It will be consensual.

Whether you like it or not.

Sounds good. I'm gonna do you.

Not if I do you first. Oh.

But really, it's not a big deal.

Yeah. I know it's not a big deal.

Oh, hey, instead of lunch, do you feel like going shopping?

Are you serious? Yes.

That would be... I can't... Can you believe this?

Nope. Hey, canyou beheveit?

Pam: Hmm.

Oh, do you want that dress in every size and every color?

Yeah, it's free returns.

I saw you were getting along with Ryan again.

He's so sweet. He pointed to my latte and he said,

"Kelly, that would be the color of our children."

God. Yeah, he's so great.

Remember how it felt when he cheated on you, though?

Which time?

I am not going to let Kelly throw her life away on Ryan.

And it has nothing to do with access to my pediatrician.

Why you would even ask, or were going to ask.

Because I feel like that question was coming.

But, you know, whatever. Ask me anything.

Yes? When you lost the managerjob...

Did it affect you outside of the office?

How?

I don't know what the technical term is.

Penial softy-osus.

Erin, I am so glad that you trusted me.

You came to the exact right person for this.

No, I have never once experienced anything remotely like that.

Ever, ever. Never!

Okay? Okay.

Washington monument! Okay.

Eiffel Tower! Okay.

Colossus at rhodes!

Hey! I hear you've been badmouthing me to Kelly.

All I did was remind her that you used to treat her badly.

Well, that's your opinion and it's her opinion, but it's not my opinion.

If you have something bad to say to me, Pam, say it to my face.

Fair enough. Um...

I don't think you're a very good person.

And forgive me, but I feel like I've said this to you before.

I don't like you very much.

Well, a lot of people would say that I'm a better match for Kelly than Ravi is.

Come on, Ryan, really? Ravi's way better.

Yeah. For Kelly?

Man, you're insane right now. Ravi's the whole package.

I've never met Ravi, personally,

but I'm going to go ahead and say

just having known you a short while, Brian,

that I prefer Ravi, and again, I've never even met the guy.

Kelly, look around. Nobody believes in us.

Nobody.

Ryan, just stop making a scene in front of all my friends.

Kelly, I wrote you the most amazing love poem.

But I can't even read it. My heart couldn't handle it.

Oh, come on... oh, no, no, no, read it, please.

I love amazing poetry.

No, it would cause me too much pain.

Read through the pain. Be strong.

This poem would crush you.

God, Ryan, go away! She found herself a beautiful boyfriend.

Yeah, man, he's absolutely gorgeous.

Please leave her alone.

You see, Kelly? Our love scares them.

It screws up their cookie cutter world!

Do you guys think he's right, though?

Do we live in a cookie cutter's world?

Absolutely, but it's not the point. God.

One of Toby's eyes is getting smaller. So there's that.

Gabe bragged about having an extra ticket to the air show this weekend

and Meredith said she was interested, and then Gabe said immediately

that his friend might be taking the ticket,

so I'll keep you posted on that.

Every day, I brief Nellie on what's going on in the office.

Most of it's irrelevant.

But a good informer doesn't judge what's worth passing on.

Oh, and Andy lost his masculinity,

so congratulations on that.

What do you mean?

Erin made it clear to me that he was unable

to perform sexually last night.

By contrast, I went to sleep with an erection so large

it was like I was wearing no blanket at all.

I knew you'd win, but you just demolished him!

I'm little bit jealous, actually.

Reduced him to a mere ant!

I just wanted to take the man's job, not his manhood.

Are we good? Everybody got a Jersey?

I still think it's weird that we're just doing Rudy.

Like, not a spin on it, we're just doing it.

What about the dead poets society? Much better movie.

What? Get your movie rankings right, dude.

Why can't we just do whatever movie we want?

'Cause I was gonna do a Spartacus.

Oh, I wanna do a Spartacus.

I am Spartacus!

No, I am Spartacus!

Hey, guys, we're doing Rudy, okay? So get ready.

Okay, I would like to invite everyone into the conference room.

Sure. But first, there is something...

No, that's not important. Conference room, now.

Andy: You can't calla meeting, so...

But I would like to have a meeting

in the conference room right now,

so come on, guys, let's get in the conference room.

Thank you. Good!

Thank you for coming to my meeting.

Appreciate it.

Nellie: Okay, if you would like to take a seat, we can get started.

Can't do it because I got to run a meeting, so...

Wanted to talk to all of you guys about importance

and know that each and every one of you is vitally important.

Andrew, not everyone here is important. And the word is "impotence."

Which is important in its own way,

so if you'd just like to take a seat, Andy.

Take a man's job, but leave him his balls.

Margaret Thatcher said that, probably.

Don't know. Don't read. Didn't see the movie.

So, Nellie wanted to have a meeting on impotence.

I told her she would have to run it, as impotence is a concept

as foreign to me as baba ghanoush.

Something to do with eggplant.

That's all I know.

This meeting is not about any one person in particular.

Iusahumanpmbbm. Its not just ahumanpmbbm.

Flounders frequently experience impotence,

especially when converting from male to female

and then back again to male. Robert: Really?

Nellie, does the "person" affected by this want us to help her

in any way in particular?

Oh! Oh!

It's not me. No, no!

I've never had any problem in that arena.

And I have been with several older men.

How old? How old?

Jinx, buy me some coke.

Dwight told me about it earlier.

Dwight?

You promised.

Dwight couldn't get it up for Nellie?

No, no, no, no, no, it's not me.

I'm going to prove it right here and now.

What are you doing? Stop that, Dwight!

Stop that, stop it!

Fine, it was me. I couldn't... I had a problem with Erin last night.

Happy?

I had a lot on my mind last night, and I didn't perform.

Okay, it happens to plenty of guys.

It's usually not followed by a giant workplace discussion and an interview.

Every guy in this room has been touched by this affliction. Tuna?

D-Dog!

I have other issues.

I'm terrible at math, overweight.

You're in great shape. A lot better shape than I am, tell you what.

It seems Andy is the only one with this problem.

Fasdnafing. Fasdnafing.

I don't really see what the problem is. Erin doesn't even like sex.

Remember? You said it feels like getting tackled by a skeleton.

Chumbo, come on, help me out. Any problems with little chumbo?

Tip top shape!

Stanley. No. Mmm-mmm.

Creed, you are 1,000 years old.

Haven't heard any complaints. Wouldn't care if I did.

Okay, so... actually, Andy,

I think maybe we've experienced it.

What happened?

A couple of times. A couple of times?

Jim, maybe you could tell us about one of those times.

Yeah. Get it out there. Dwight: Yeah, Jim.

I don't...

Uh, yes, that time that it was very late.

We had had sex so many times already, I was exhausted.

Okay, stop. I could barely see. I was very drunk.

If it makes you feel any better,

I never had an orgasm until I was 42.

And then when I did, it lasted until I was 44.

Forty-three was just...

I got nothing done.

I've read, and I don't know anything about this personally,

but they say prostate stimulation can help.

Ugh.

This is just a this American life I think I heard.

No, that's absolutely the case. I know, right?

You know my rectal electro-ejaculator is rated for bovine use only,

but I could let you rent it.

Andy, why don't you tell us about the best erection of your life?

Or does anyone else have any remarkable erections they'd like to share?

Wow. Oh! What are we talking about?

Toby, doesn't hr have some rules

against talking about this kind of stuff?

Erin, hr is a joke. I can't do anything about anything.

The most important thing to remember is do not stress about this.

Stress just makes it worse

and then you stress more, and that's a vicious spiral.

I almost didn't come in today.

Dad, don't think of it as a demotion,

just think of it as a promotion to a lower level.

I don't think you have to tell your friends anything.

It hasn't been decided yet.

Erin, on the phone memos, you're writing the date American style.

Month, day, year. I prefer it day, month, year.

Small, bigger, biggest!

Ohl

sexual innuendo not intentional.

Shut up. Shut up, liar!

"Sexual innuendo not intentional!"

I am sick of your dumb opinions

and if you don't like the way that I take phone messages, here!

Take them yourself!

Our sex life is none of anyone's business!

And Andy is the manager! Not Nellie!

Stop protecting me! I'm a man! I can protect myself!

This is misdirected anger and I'm sorry!

I don't mean to lash out at you!

There's a lot coming up right now all at once!

Dad, go to hell! I'm taller than you!

Okay, just calm down.

You are not the manager. I earned that job!

I was personally chosen after Robert was chosen and quit!

Andy, why don't you just take a seat?

Why don't you take a seat, idiot?

Why don't you take all your stupid memos?

And your stupid pens and your dumb caramels!

And your stupid face!

And your stupid office!

Ah! Ow.

He does not like that wall.

Maybe we'll get sent to anger management together.

That would actually be cool. I'd love for you to meet some of the guys.

Andy, Erin, you can join us now.

What do you like about Ryan?

Ryan keeps up with all the latest technology trends.

And he's very honest with me about when I put on weight.

And he has the soul and the body of a poet.

Mmm.

Ravi's hotter.

I mean, I'm a straight man, and looks are subjective,

but there's no question about it.

Yeah, but I'm just worried

that I'm only attracted to Ravi

because he looks exactly like this Calvin klein model that I'm attracted to.

Who cares? That's fine.

When I was your age, I had to choose between a Ryan and a Ravi,

and I chose the Ryan.

And if! Hadn't, I wouldn't have my kids.

You'd still have kids.

Better kids. You've got to go with Ravi.

Here's my advice. Figure out what your heart wants.

And if it's not Ravi, change it. To Ravi.

I don't understand why this is a dilemma for you.

He has, like, thisje ne sais quoi.

He taught me that.

Ravi makes me incredibly happy.

And Ryan puts me through so much drama.

So I guess I just have to decide

which of those is more important to me.

Andy, we're going to go with Nellie as manager

and put you back on the sales team.

I promise you, in time, we'll all laugh about this incident.

I already think it's kind of funny.

Excuse me?

I'm saying no.

Well, you can't say no.

Pam: Oh. Boo!

Phyllis: Holy crap!

Boo! Boo! Boo to you. Pam, you are toxic. You are toxic.

Kelly, I have a few things to say to you, but please don't interrupt.

I wasn't going to interrupt. Yeah, but you do a lot, so just don't.

Thank you. I know that I haven't always treated you

the way that you, for whatever reason,

feel you deserve to be treated.

But I want to marry you, Kelly kapoor.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day.

And probably!

Barf! Oh! You suck!

What is your problem?

Hey, can we turn this back around quickly please?

Can we turn this around quickly? This is very important to me.

Turn around. Turn around.

Can we turn this Thing around, please? Thank you.

She don't want to turn around. Thank you.

Kelly, I can't promise you that we'll always stay together,

I can't promise you that I'll never cheat on you. Nor should I.

Modern marriages aren't built that way. Men aren't built that way.

There's a very interesting article I can email to you.

But I can tell you this, even if the odds are 50-50

that we'll break up within the week,

I want to roll those dice.

Iloveyou, kehy Ryan.

Will you roll those dice with me?

You mean so much to me.

But I love Ravi and I choose him. No, you don't.

I do. No, you don't.

I hope we can still be friends.

Can I have a hug?

Angela: Oh. Ew!

Well, it's good to see Kelly is maturing.

Angela: Oh, god!

Look, Andrew, we can discuss the specifics of the job.

It's the apology. I really have to insist.

Stop saying "no." No.

Andrew, if you say "no" one more time, you're fired.

So, is there anything else you want to say?

I can't describe it. I just, for the first time in a long time,

I actually feel in control.

I feel alive.

Here.

I got it.

But you hurt your hand. Igoth.

Right now? Yes.

You're not the least bit curious

to hear a poem straight from Ryan's soul?

Not at all. Can we go?

"Kapoor and ka-desperate, he watches."

Second line! "He is a drifter out to sea."

"And when the Indian ocean calms, one speck of white remains

"in waters cold and Kelly green."

It's just so dumb.

But when he describes himself as a child lost on a life raft...

Ryan can never know.