All language subtitles for 2_English22323211

Phew! Wow. It is raining
cats and dogs out there.

Holy moly!

Phyllis says the same 12
cliches every time it rains.

So, I promised everyone that if
she says them all by noon today,

I will send out
for hot chocolates.

So how was the drive in?

Nobody knows how to
drive in the rain.

Yeah. You don't say?

You know the roads are actually
the slickest in the first half hour?

Ithinkifs ute on, it comes to
the surface. Darryl: I agree.

Ooh! The plants are
gonnaloveths. Yeah.

Phyllis: I actually sleep
better when it's raining.

Meredith: Tell me about it.

“Fimesmmoflup how
many are left? Just one.

"This weather makes me want to stay
at home, curled up with a good book."

Phyllis, this rain, does it make
you want to be doing something?

What do you mean?

You know, like, aren't some things
just so nice and cozy in the rain?

Hey, come on. Lots of
things are cozy in the rain.

And that's noon. Exacfly!

Sorry about that, everybody.

Hey, Phyllis, would
you like a hot chocolate?

Ooh, I'd love one.

I'm going out to get
two hot chocolates.

I mean, normally the rain would
make me want to stay at home,

curled up with a good book,

but everybody's being
so nice to me today.

I'm really happy being here.

My girlfriend's back and
there's going to be trouble

hey, ia, hey, ia,
his girlfriend's back

hey, ia, hey, ia,
my girlfriend's back

A month ago, I walked
out of this office

positive I was
never coming back.

I probably shouldn't
have emailed everyone

telling them exactly
what I thought of them.

Hey, Erin, thank you
for the nice email.

Yeah. I don't get emotional
a lot, but that was...

I'm just glad to know
I had an impact.

I meant every word.

In other news, Erin and
Andy are back together.

Crazy story. Yes.

I drove all the way down to
Florida, she was not expecting it,

yeah. Totally swept
her off her feet. Right?

How long was the drive?

It's like a day and
a half each way.

But when I got there, I went right
up to the house, and I was like...

Day and a half? My
lumbar would be killing me.

You should get this lumbar
support cushion thing my dad has.

What's it called? Um...

Not easy-rest.

That gas must've cost
a pretty penny, huh?

Dwight: Well, he's got a prius.

How many times you
fill the tank? Three, four?

What does gas cost down there?

Lumbar buddy! Lumbar buddy.

Dwight: Oh, yeah, lumbar buddy.

Tell you what,
I'll email you the story.

It's a real tearjerker, though.

80 read with caution.

Anyway, I know it's
the end of the day.

We just wanted to
stop by and say hi.

And then later on, we have
a reservation at patsel's.

Miss lumbar!

Yeah. Hey, kev.

Nice sweater. Thank you!

Nellie was nice enough
to give it to me.

She's sweet. I just
wish there was pockets.

What happened to old salty?

Nellie let me bobble-ize him.

His name is now captain mutato.

I've written quite a bit
of X-Men fan fiction.

Captain mutato is
half-man, half-mermaid.

So he can fight crime as a man

and make love as a mermaid.

Most of my writing
involves the latter.

Okey-doke.

Nellie: Yes?

Andy: Whoa!

Well, you must be the famous Nellie
Bertram I've been hearing all about.

I am the famous Andy Bernard
you have been hearing all about.

Oh, yes. I just
want to thank you

forjumping in and
minding the store

during my temporary absence.

You are most welcome.

Anyway, now that I'm back, I
would love to have my office back,

whenever you get a chance. No.

Obviously we'll figure
out the logistics

of moving all of this
stuff out of here.

But, you know, the sooner
the better. Get back to normalcy.

Mmm. No.

Thank you.

Okay.

Wait. Uh...

When I showed up here,
there was no manager.

It's like when the Americans
showed up at the moon.

Nobody was there.

So they planted their flag,

and it's their
moon now, isn't it?

Nobody likes it, but it's
america's bloody moon.

Just lay him in his crib
and then bicycle his legs.

And then after Jim quiets down,

you do the same thing
with your baby.

But if he keeps having
problems, just give me a call.

Oh, my gosh, thank you so much.

But seriously, we don't
want to bother you

any more than we
already have. That's it.

It's no bother.
You guys are our friends.

Ravi, our amazing pediatrician,

was asking us if
we knew any girls,

and I said, "I know
the perfect girl."

Yeah. Because Kelly is
Indian and... oh, that's it!

Race had nothing to do with it.

I just knew they'd
be good together.

Why?

Pam: Kelly has been
a handful in the past.

But she's had a bad influence.

She's like an addict, and
I just had to get her clean.

Get lower.

Next, I'm going to set up
my sister with Darryl.

Okay, we get it.

What? I think they'd be
good together. Really?

Um, also, little tip,
never shake the baby.

Sorry, just to be clear, you're
saying do not shake the baby?

Don't shake the baby.

A lot of times parents get
frustrated because the baby's crying,

and they shake the baby,
and you got to...

You can't do that.

Yeah. Don't shake our baby.

Okay, I'd never
heard that before.

Oh, my god. So, thank you.

Yeah, I'm glad you
said something. Me, too.

Kelly and I broke up, and she
can do whatever she wants.

And her new boyfriend
seems awesome,

if you're into Indian people.

I'm not.

And that's when I realized,

if you're gonna put a
thermometer in one end,

you'd better put a
lollipop in the other.

Hey, I'm sorry. Is this a
workplace or a Starbucks?

Because I was under the
impression it was a workplace.

Maybe I'm the crazy one.

No. No, we're sorry.
Come on, let's go, Ravi.

Also, since when do we have
guests here without clearance?

I didn't okay this.

Hey, um...

What's the deal with this guy?
He's really into Kelly, huh?

Yeah, they're
really great together.

Makes me wonder
if I made a mistake.

No, no, no. Come on. I think you
guys are both happier now, right?

You're single. Plenty
of girls to date, right?

Yeah.

Maybe we weren't right
together, but it's weird,

I'd rather she be alone
than with somebody.

Is that love?

That's about it, yeah.

Well, Nellie picked up
the slack around here

while you were trolling
the Florida beaches for tail

like some college student
on spring break.

I had to tell Erin how I felt.

Andy, I appreciate
your romantic quest,

and in an age before
the telephone or Internet,

or written language,
that would be compelling.

But there are five, six
devices in this room alone

that would have let you tell her
that without ever going to Florida.

We live in amazing times.

Yeah, I know I screwed up.

But I always do
whatever you ask of me,

and this will never
happen again.

And if Erin decides she's made
a mistake and returns to Florida?

At least she knows how I
feel, and I would not follow her.

What if she were kidnapped by a
gang of Albanian human traffickers?

Like in taken?

What?

Yes, of course, if she's taken.

That's what I'm talking
about. By Albanians.

I would stay in this office.

Wow, okay. I'll
remember you said that.

Nellie,

you've been terrific
in your interim capacity,

but Andrew is
the rightful manager,

so if you would just
give him his office.

I'm sorry?

This is what I was
trying to tell you.

I'm not accustomed to
people saying no to me.

Well, Bobby,
get accustomed to it,

because then it feels so good
when they finally say yes.

You're both adults.
I'm sure you can

figure this out
between yourselves.

I never allow sexual desire to
influence a business decision.

So, I find it best to
recuse myself temporarily

until I've had
a chance to make love,

and then go back and
analyze the situation rationally.

Buffett operates the same way.

I want to order the
zebra rug for my office,

but can you dye it
entirely black?

No, I still want it
to be a zebra.

Well, I'll know.

Because they're
ridiculous creatures.

They don't know what they are.

Phyllis says j. Duffy's
might be more our speed.

And if we want even the option
of drawing on the placemats...

I got a little bit
of an anger problem.

Got me in some trouble
a couple years ago.

Erin: When I see him
start to get mad,

I just put my hand
on his arm like this.

It reminds me to just
check out and relax.

There's also a lullaby they used to
sing to me when I was growing up.

The state of Pennsylvania
is watching over you

no need for parents,
the governor will do

it's really nice.

The general assembly's
like a mom and a dad

Had

I got a call about a trespasser.

Yes. Right this way.

Nellie: Because they are
idiots. Big, stripy, horsey idiots.

What you don't... hey!

Hank, please remove
Nellie from my office.

Hank, thank god you're here.

This psychopath keeps
barging into my office.

It's my office.

Well, she's sitting
there like a manager.

And you're standing
up here like me.

But maybe it's a little
more complicated than that.

I'm going to
count down from five,

and if you're not
out of my office,

I'm going to dock your pay $100.

Five, four...

You can't dock my pay.

I am your boss.

Three, two, one.

Congratulations,
you just lost $100.

Really?

Angela, dock Andy's pay $100!

On it!

Great! Five, four,
three, two, one.

Angela, please dock
Nellie's pay $100.

Is she responding? Hmm...

Angela? Do you want to go again?

Angela! Let's go again.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Oh, she's counting again.
Look out.

Angela, $200! Angela: Got it!

Seriously, Angela?

I know what, let's go $10,000.

Five, four... you're
just saying numbers.

It's meaningless. Three...

It's literally like...
Two, one...

I have to pee.

There you go.

Hey, we're going to
have a nice hot date.

Dwight: What are you guys
talking about?

Charlie Rose.
I don't know who that is.

Andy: Guys. He has...

Guys, come here.

What are you... come on!

Where are we going?

Okay. Do you guys want...

Andy, you should
not stand there.

The warehouse guys
pee there all the time.

Okay. Do you guys want to
be part of something huge?

I'm already a member of
the largest club there is.

Non-churchgoing christians.

You remember in the movie Rudy,

when the player comes
into the coach's office

and he throws his
Jersey down, and he's like,

"I'm not playing without Rudy."

And the coach is like,
"one guy. No big deal."

But then every player
comes in, one by one,

and they all throw theirjerseys
down for Rudy. Remember that?

Yeah, I remember that.

So, how amazing would it be

if you guys all did that for me

with your own brand new
dunder Mifflin jerseys?

Hey, guys.

Gross. Gross, gross.

You don't need to go.

I found these the other day
while I was journaling,

and they reminded me of you.

Kelly: Those are from our
weekend at the time-share.

Yeah, the fractional
ownership property.

We took this one right before
we got in that huge fight.

God, I don't even remember
what that fight was about.

You were being
really bratty about

where we would go out to dinner,

but all I remember is how pretty
you looked taking those pictures of me.

Anyway, if you want to
order prints of your own,

I can send you the link.

Yeah, that'd be cool. Thanks.

I'd like that.

You were so annoyed
that I was taking that picture.

Someone's into my abs.

Sorry.

You have doubles of this one,
I could probably just take one.

I really want both.

I am seeing a side of Ryan
that I have never seen

since the last time
we were broken up.

I am in love with Kelly kapoor.

And I don't know how I'm going
to feel tomorrow or the next day

or the day after that, but I do
know that right here, right now,

all I can think about is spending
the rest of my life with her.

Again, that could change.

Hey. So, last night
was so not a big deal.

Oh, yeah, I was just tired.

Yeah. We both were.

Plus I was definitely
not my normal sexy self.

No. Are you kidding?
You were so sexy.

Just the thought of you last
night, like, crazy turns me on.

It just didn't last night.
But you were so dang doable.

Even though we didn't do it.

Well, it's not like we can't do it
again when... whenever you're ready.

Uh, yeah. We are sexing it up
tonight. I don't care what you say.

No. It will be consensual.

Whether you like it or not.

Sounds good. I'm gonna do you.

Not if I do you first. Oh.

But really, it's not a big deal.

Yeah. I know
it's not a big deal.

Oh, hey, instead of lunch, do
you feel like going shopping?

Are you serious? Yes.

That would be... I can't...
Can you believe this?

Nope. Hey, canyou beheveit?

Pam: Hmm.

Oh, do you want that dress
in every size and every color?

Yeah, it's free returns.

I saw you were getting
along with Ryan again.

He's so sweet. He pointed
to my latte and he said,

"Kelly, that would be
the color of our children."

God. Yeah, he's so great.

Remember how it felt when
he cheated on you, though?

Which time?

I am not going to let Kelly
throw her life away on Ryan.

And it has nothing to do
with access to my pediatrician.

Why you would even ask,
or were going to ask.

Because I feel like
that question was coming.

But, you know, whatever.
Ask me anything.

Yes? When you
lost the managerjob...

Did it affect you
outside of the office?

How?

I don't know what
the technical term is.

Penial softy-osus.

Erin, I am so glad
that you trusted me.

You came to the exact
right person for this.

No, I have never once experienced
anything remotely like that.

Ever, ever. Never!

Okay? Okay.

Washington monument! Okay.

Eiffel Tower! Okay.

Colossus at rhodes!

Hey! I hear you've been
badmouthing me to Kelly.

All I did was remind her that
you used to treat her badly.

Well, that's your opinion and it's
her opinion, but it's not my opinion.

If you have something bad to
say to me, Pam, say it to my face.

Fair enough. Um...

I don't think you're
a very good person.

And forgive me, but I feel
like I've said this to you before.

I don't like you very much.

Well, a lot of people would say that
I'm a better match for Kelly than Ravi is.

Come on, Ryan, really?
Ravi's way better.

Yeah. For Kelly?

Man, you're insane right now.
Ravi's the whole package.

I've never met Ravi, personally,

but I'm going to
go ahead and say

just having known you
a short while, Brian,

that I prefer Ravi, and again,
I've never even met the guy.

Kelly, look around.
Nobody believes in us.

Nobody.

Ryan, just stop making a scene
in front of all my friends.

Kelly, I wrote you the
most amazing love poem.

But I can't even read it.
My heart couldn't handle it.

Oh, come on... oh, no,
no, no, read it, please.

I love amazing poetry.

No, it would cause
me too much pain.

Read through
the pain. Be strong.

This poem would crush you.

God, Ryan, go away! She
found herself a beautiful boyfriend.

Yeah, man, he's
absolutely gorgeous.

Please leave her alone.

You see, Kelly?
Our love scares them.

It screws up their
cookie cutter world!

Do you guys think
he's right, though?

Do we live in a
cookie cutter's world?

Absolutely, but it's
not the point. God.

One of Toby's eyes is
getting smaller. So there's that.

Gabe bragged about having an
extra ticket to the air show this weekend

and Meredith said she was interested,
and then Gabe said immediately

that his friend might
be taking the ticket,

so I'll keep you posted on that.

Every day, I brief Nellie on
what's going on in the office.

Most of it's irrelevant.

But a good informer doesn't
judge what's worth passing on.

Oh, and Andy lost
his masculinity,

so congratulations on that.

What do you mean?

Erin made it clear to me
that he was unable

to perform sexually last night.

By contrast, I went to sleep
with an erection so large

it was like I was
wearing no blanket at all.

I knew you'd win, but
you just demolished him!

I'm little bit
jealous, actually.

Reduced him to a mere ant!

I just wanted to take the
man's job, not his manhood.

Are we good?
Everybody got a Jersey?

I still think it's weird
that we're just doing Rudy.

Like, not a spin on it,
we're just doing it.

What about the dead poets
society? Much better movie.

What? Get your movie
rankings right, dude.

Why can't we just do
whatever movie we want?

'Cause I was gonna
do a Spartacus.

Oh, I wanna do a Spartacus.

I am Spartacus!

No, I am Spartacus!

Hey, guys, we're doing
Rudy, okay? So get ready.

Okay, I would like to invite
everyone into the conference room.

Sure. But first,
there is something...

No, that's not important.
Conference room, now.

Andy: You can't
calla meeting, so...

But I would like
to have a meeting

in the conference
room right now,

so come on, guys, let's
get in the conference room.

Thank you. Good!

Thank you for
coming to my meeting.

Appreciate it.

Nellie: Okay, if you would like
to take a seat, we can get started.

Can't do it because I
got to run a meeting, so...

Wanted to talk to all of
you guys about importance

and know that each and every
one of you is vitally important.

Andrew, not everyone here is
important. And the word is "impotence."

Which is important
in its own way,

so if you'd just like
to take a seat, Andy.

Take a man's job,
but leave him his balls.

Margaret Thatcher
said that, probably.

Don't know. Don't read.
Didn't see the movie.

So, Nellie wanted to have
a meeting on impotence.

I told her she would have to
run it, as impotence is a concept

as foreign to me
as baba ghanoush.

Something to do with eggplant.

That's all I know.

This meeting is not about
any one person in particular.

Iusahumanpmbbm. Its
not just ahumanpmbbm.

Flounders frequently
experience impotence,

especially when converting
from male to female

and then back again to
male. Robert: Really?

Nellie, does the "person"
affected by this want us to help her

in any way in particular?

Oh! Oh!

It's not me. No, no!

I've never had any
problem in that arena.

And I have been
with several older men.

How old? How old?

Jinx, buy me some coke.

Dwight told me about it earlier.

Dwight?

You promised.

Dwight couldn't
get it up for Nellie?

No, no, no, no, no, it's not me.

I'm going to prove it
right here and now.

What are you doing?
Stop that, Dwight!

Stop that, stop it!

Fine, it was me. I couldn't... I
had a problem with Erin last night.

Happy?

I had a lot on my mind last
night, and I didn't perform.

Okay, it happens
to plenty of guys.

It's usually not followed by a giant
workplace discussion and an interview.

Every guy in this room has been
touched by this affliction. Tuna?

D-Dog!

I have other issues.

I'm terrible at math,
overweight.

You're in great shape. A lot better
shape than I am, tell you what.

It seems Andy is the
only one with this problem.

Fasdnafing. Fasdnafing.

I don't really see what the problem
is. Erin doesn't even like sex.

Remember? You said it feels
like getting tackled by a skeleton.

Chumbo, come on, help me out.
Any problems with little chumbo?

Tip top shape!

Stanley. No. Mmm-mmm.

Creed, you are 1,000 years old.

Haven't heard any complaints.
Wouldn't care if I did.

Okay, so... actually, Andy,

I think maybe
we've experienced it.

What happened?

A couple of times.
A couple of times?

Jim, maybe you could tell us
about one of those times.

Yeah. Get it out there.
Dwight: Yeah, Jim.

I don't...

Uh, yes, that time
that it was very late.

We had had sex so many
times already, I was exhausted.

Okay, stop. I could barely
see. I was very drunk.

If it makes you feel any better,

I never had an orgasm
until I was 42.

And then when I did,
it lasted until I was 44.

Forty-three was just...

I got nothing done.

I've read, and I don't know
anything about this personally,

but they say prostate
stimulation can help.

Ugh.

This is just a this
American life I think I heard.

No, that's absolutely
the case. I know, right?

You know my rectal electro-ejaculator
is rated for bovine use only,

but I could let you rent it.

Andy, why don't you tell us
about the best erection of your life?

Or does anyone else have any
remarkable erections they'd like to share?

Wow. Oh! What
are we talking about?

Toby, doesn't hr have some rules

against talking about
this kind of stuff?

Erin, hr is a joke. I can't
do anything about anything.

The most important thing to
remember is do not stress about this.

Stress just makes it worse

and then you stress more,
and that's a vicious spiral.

I almost didn't come in today.

Dad, don't think
of it as a demotion,

just think of it as a
promotion to a lower level.

I don't think you have to
tell your friends anything.

It hasn't been decided yet.

Erin, on the phone memos, you're
writing the date American style.

Month, day, year. I
prefer it day, month, year.

Small, bigger, biggest!

Ohl

sexual innuendo not intentional.

Shut up. Shut up, liar!

"Sexual innuendo
not intentional!"

I am sick of your dumb opinions

and if you don't like the way
that I take phone messages, here!

Take them yourself!

Our sex life is none
of anyone's business!

And Andy is the manager!
Not Nellie!

Stop protecting me! I'm a
man! I can protect myself!

This is misdirected anger
and I'm sorry!

I don't mean to lash out at you!

There's a lot coming up
right now all at once!

Dad, go to hell!
I'm taller than you!

Okay, just calm down.

You are not the manager.
I earned that job!

I was personally chosen after
Robert was chosen and quit!

Andy, why don't you
just take a seat?

Why don't you
take a seat, idiot?

Why don't you take
all your stupid memos?

And your stupid pens
and your dumb caramels!

And your stupid face!

And your stupid office!

Ah! Ow.

He does not like that wall.

Maybe we'll get sent to
anger management together.

That would actually be cool. I'd
love for you to meet some of the guys.

Andy, Erin, you can join us now.

What do you like about Ryan?

Ryan keeps up with all
the latest technology trends.

And he's very honest with me
about when I put on weight.

And he has the soul
and the body of a poet.

Mmm.

Ravi's hotter.

I mean, I'm a straight man,
and looks are subjective,

but there's no
question about it.

Yeah, but I'm just worried

that I'm only attracted to Ravi

because he looks exactly like this
Calvin klein model that I'm attracted to.

Who cares? That's fine.

When I was your age, I had to
choose between a Ryan and a Ravi,

and I chose the Ryan.

And if! Hadn't,
I wouldn't have my kids.

You'd still have kids.

Better kids. You've
got to go with Ravi.

Here's my advice. Figure
out what your heart wants.

And if it's not Ravi,
change it. To Ravi.

I don't understand why
this is a dilemma for you.

He has, like,
thisje ne sais quoi.

He taught me that.

Ravi makes me incredibly happy.

And Ryan puts me
through so much drama.

So I guess I just have to decide

which of those is
more important to me.

Andy, we're going to go
with Nellie as manager

and put you back
on the sales team.

I promise you, in time, we'll
all laugh about this incident.

I already think it's kind
of funny.

Excuse me?

I'm saying no.

Well, you can't say no.

Pam: Oh. Boo!

Phyllis: Holy crap!

Boo! Boo! Boo to you. Pam,
you are toxic. You are toxic.

Kelly, I have a few things to say
to you, but please don't interrupt.

I wasn't going to interrupt. Yeah,
but you do a lot, so just don't.

Thank you. I know that I
haven't always treated you

the way that you,
for whatever reason,

feel you deserve to be treated.

But I want to marry you,
Kelly kapoor.

Maybe not today, maybe
not tomorrow, but some day.

And probably!

Barf! Oh! You suck!

What is your problem?

Hey, can we turn this
back around quickly please?

Can we turn this around quickly?
This is very important to me.

Turn around. Turn around.

Can we turn this
Thing around, please? Thank you.

She don't want to turn
around. Thank you.

Kelly, I can't promise you
that we'll always stay together,

I can't promise you that I'll
never cheat on you. Nor should I.

Modern marriages aren't built
that way. Men aren't built that way.

There's a very interesting
article I can email to you.

But I can tell you this,
even if the odds are 50-50

that we'll break up
within the week,

I want to roll those dice.

Iloveyou, kehy Ryan.

Will you roll
those dice with me?

You mean so much to me.

But I love Ravi and I
choose him. No, you don't.

I do. No, you don't.

I hope we can still be friends.

Can I have a hug?

Angela: Oh. Ew!

Well, it's good to see
Kelly is maturing.

Angela: Oh, god!

Look, Andrew, we can discuss
the specifics of the job.

It's the apology.
I really have to insist.

Stop saying "no." No.

Andrew, if you say "no"
one more time, you're fired.

So, is there anything
else you want to say?

I can't describe it. I just, for
the first time in a long time,

I actually feel in control.

I feel alive.

Here.

I got it.

But you hurt your hand. Igoth.

Right now? Yes.

You're not the least bit curious

to hear a poem straight
from Ryan's soul?

Not at all. Can we go?

"Kapoor and ka-desperate,
he watches."

Second line! "He is
a drifter out to sea."

"And when the Indian ocean
calms, one speck of white remains

"in waters cold
and Kelly green."

It's just so dumb.

But when he describes himself
as a child lost on a life raft...

Ryan can never know.