Original subtitles

Finding Balance: How To Say No

Hi I'm Hailey with Caravan Wellness and you are watching

how to say no so I'm gonna let you in on a little secret

here's the thing I really like to be liked

I'm not sure if you're anything like me

but if you are you can't stand the thought of people

being mad at you

or you shrivel up at the idea that you've let someone

down and this happens to a lot of us and this often leads

us to saying yes to everything I am a constant over

booker

if you look at my calendar

you would find things over laughing

and when I do this and when we do this we

end up burning the candle at both ends

we end up finding ourselves at events that we don't

want to be at doing things we don't want to do with people

that we don't even like so why the heck do we do this

why do we say yes

when we actually mean no the reality is that we want

to impress people as a society we want to get ahead

we always want to be doing the thing that's going to

put us one step further

so whether that's saying yes to a project that we realistically

don't have the time for so that we can get that promotion

or get that raise that we've been looking for

or we go on a date because we feel like well I really

should do that because I want to be in a relationship

so if I don't go to this happy hour I don't go to the bar

Then I'm never gonna get what I want

but the reality is we don't have to say yes to everything

we often say yes because of societal expectations

of us

we think that we have to say yes to everything in order

to get that promotion

we have to say yes to that project that we don't realistically

have the time to do because we think we're going to

get a raise or we say yes to the date that we don't want

to go on because we want to be in a relationship

so we feel like we have to go out every night of the week

or we end up at cocktail hours or a baby shower for someone

whose baby we don't even we don't even know the person

and yet we show up so we do this constantly but then

we end up wearing ourselves out completely so that

we're actually not even able to

Show up to the things we say yes for so when we say yes

to things that we actually mean no we're actually

doing a disservice to ourselves and to the people

around us because we're not showing up like our authentic

selves and able to give our most when we say yes to everything

when we don't actually have time for it we're not able

to give our all so when you're saying yes to that project

that you don't have time to complete your probably

not going to put your best foot forward and here's

the thing when we give ourselves a little bit of space

this is actually where the magic truly happens

this is where the creative power comes into play

so here's a little bit of an example for you I was in

a job that wasn't

It wasn't really serving me that well but I would say

yes to everything I would constantly say yes to that

job

and constantly find myself in situations that weren't

really serving me where I wasn't really serving the

job that I was meant to do so instead of saying yes all

the time to this job I started saying no and what I found

when I started saying no was that my creative energy

started to come back to me I started to find myself

able to create more powerful conversations with

people have better relationships and really show

up as myself in my life

so we can also change the way that we think of saying

no saying no isn't necessarily a bad thing but we've

been trained to think of saying no as being very negative

with this awful connotation

Saying no is actually just a form of setting boundaries

and setting expectations for the people around you

so when we feel so much pressure to say no

how do we transform ourselves to be able to say yes

well I have five quick tips for you that you can incorporate

into your life to help you set boundaries set expectations

and say no so that you can show up as your most authentic

true self and really serve yourself and others in

a more powerful way

so the first is really taking a look and clearing up

that calendar and there are a couple of different

ways that you can do this

the first is to block out time for you and I know that

can seem really challenging

but you time is

One of the most important things that you can do for

yourself what I like to do is I like to block out chunks

of time in my calendar

so whether this is on my iPhone calendar on my desktop

calendar or back to the old school pen and paper

which is what I actually prefer I like to take out just

an hour or two every single day of time

that's just for me and even if you don't have an hour

or two every single day

that's no problem finding those chunks of time during

your week that are just for you are so incredibly important

for creating that space in your life so you can spend

this time doing whatever feels best for you

it could be taking a nice hot bath could be getting

a massage going for a run spending time with the people

that you love or simply just allowing yourself

A little bit of space to create when you do open up that

space you're going to find that you have more opportunity

to be creative and have really powerful thoughts

that come to you that you wouldn't be able to have if

your calendar was so packed the second way to create

more space in your calendar is allowing yourself

just time to be bored I know that can seem pretty counterintuitive

to being productive and this idea of being super successful

all the time

but enabling yourself space to be bored is actually

again when that magic opportunity will come to you

so I want to give you a little example of when I experienced

this just for some context so you know how powerful

these moments can be so like I said I am not one to create

a lot of spontaneity in my life I pack that calendar

full

I do not like saying no to things and I'm typically

a very busy person who has a hard time sitting still

I'm guessing a lot of you can sort of relate to that

so I went on a trip by myself to Bali last year and when

I went out there I packed my schedule so full

there were so many things that I wanted to do so many

things that I wanted to see that I forgot why I went

on this trip I got reminded by a friend that I was on

this trip for me I was on this trip to create space for

myself

so I took a step back and I said OK Hailey you are allowed

to plan one thing every day that you want to do and other

than that you're creating room for spontaneity

so I did I planned one thing per day that I really wanted

to do that I felt like I had

To do in order to maximize my time there and the rest

of my time I left open for spontaneity

what I found in that time was spontaneity were so many

incredibly creative ideas I came up with ideas for

new blog posts I met new people and I had opportunities

present themselves to me that would have never happened

otherwise next is to take your time when someone asks

you to do something you do not have to respond immediately

and say yes I know it can feel exciting when someone's

like hey want to go to happy hour tomorrow and you're

like yeah I definitely want to go to happy hour and

then you realize that you actually had a meeting scheduled

during that happy hour so you have to go back and tell

that person no and you just kind of feel like a

so take your time

you reserve the right to take ten minutes

Twenty minutes or even 24 hours before replying yes

this will allow you to make sure that you truly want

to be doing that when you say yes to the things that

you truly want to be doing you'll be able to show up

in a more authentic way next remove the word should

from your vocabulary

how often do you do something because you should I

should do that with coworkers after work I should

go see that friend I should do XYZ remove that word

I actually hate that word

yes there are things that you need to be committed

to there's always things that we have to do in life

and there are things that we should do that just make

us a good human and I'm guessing that we all want to

be good humans in this life

You do not have to do things just because you feel like

you should

if I'm starting to frame things like in a should weigh

I start to think of it more as being is this important

to me so I am going to do this because it is important

I'm not going to do this because I should there's a

big differentiation there that's very important

in clarifying whether you should say yes or not next

set boundaries and expectations for the people around

you

you can't be everything to everyone

and that is OK

you reserve the right to not respond to emails at ten

p.m I know that it can very often feel like there's

so much pressure to be on all the time

but when you set boundaries and expectations people

actually respect you more for doing the things

Feel authentic to you and for not working yourself

too hard so you can do this very simply at work by addressing

the situation directly with the manager I actually

did this very recently myself and I felt like I was

getting up in the morning and responding to emails

and responding to emails until I was going to bed I

wasn't allowing for other creative space in my life

and for enjoying the things that I truly love to do

so I sat down with the person who helps me manage my

day and I said to them I want to make sure that we're

on the same page with my work schedule I love working

here and I am so committed to all of the projects that

I do

but I have to set boundaries and I have to set the expectations

properly

so that I'm not burning myself out I really

Want to be able to show up and be present

so I cannot respond to emails after seven p.m or before

eight thirty am I was so nervous to have this conversation

but I was actually really surprised by their reaction

they were totally receptive to this and really respected

the fact that I had things outside of work that I needed

to pursue finally give yourself a little bit of a break

you can't do everything

have everything and be everything all at the same

time

nobody can but we're so hard on ourselves and we put

so much pressure on ourselves that it completely

stresses us out

so the next time you feel like you're saying yes to

too many things ask yourself is this really what I

want to be doing is this really going to serve me

and if the answer is no

Be totally confident with that answer

be confident that you've made the best choice for

yourself

so just to recap

here are the ways that you can start saying no so that

you can show up more authentically in every situation

the first is to take control of your calendar

take control of it set that time aside for you and take

care of yourself

next is to take your time

you reserve the right to take the time to respond before

saying yes next remove the word should from your vocabulary

Set those expectations and boundaries with the people

around you

and finally give yourself a break because you are

really awesome

you are doing so much already don't put the pressure

on yourself to do everything all the time do the things

that feel right to you that make you feel like you're

being a good person in this world as a little bonus

tip I want to provide you with an exercise that can

help you take control and start saying no when you're

thinking about your day

think about all of the things that you really love

to do

go ahead and write those things down now think about

how often you're incorporating those things into

your daily life

and then take a step back and think about the places

where you're saying yes

Don't serve those things that you love to do from their

work backwards and figure out the places that you

can create space and time for yourself that will serve

you in a truly authentic and more powerful way

thank you so much for watching today

you can check out more tips by following us at Caravan

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