Original subtitles

Master?

Hello, my name is Harry Huggins. Is Major Nelson home?

Oh, yes, but he's occupied.

You're Mrs. Nelson?

Oh, not yet, but I am very hopeful.

Oh, Major Nelson is quite fond of me.

I am his housekeeper.

Yes, well, may I wait for Major Nelson?

- Oh, certainly. Please come in. - Thank you.

Tiny little place, isn't it?

- Tiny? - Boxy.

They don't build houses the way they used to.

Pity. No taste.

Major Nelson has wonderful taste.

Grand Rapids renaissance.

You must see the rest of the house.

Why, that looks like a Louis XV.

Oh, it is.

Why, it must be worth a fortune.

Oh, yes, money means nothing to Major Nelson.

That's a copy of a Renoir.

It is no copy.

A real Renoir?

- In Cocoa Beach? - Of course.

Be careful of Major Nelson's genuine Ming vase.

Ming vase?

I told you Major Nelson has wonderful taste.

- Does he keep any cash in the house? - Cash?

That safe is full of cash.

Full of cash.

It's like a museum.

Do you take care of this house yourself?

Oh, no. Major Nelson has many servants.

No, thank you.

The others are off today.

No, thank you. Morning.

Oh, good morning, master.

- You have a visitor. - Major Nelson.

I am Harry Huggins, Department of Internal Revenue.

Sorry, did you say the Department of Internal Revenue?

Yes. I have a refund here for you on your last year's income tax, $17.50.

Since I live in the neighbourhood, I just thought I'd drop it by myself.

- Thank you, Mr. Huggins. - I'll just keep this...

- ... until we finish the investigation. - Investigation?

Major, this house is the Cocoa Beach branch of the Louvre.

I'm sorry, I don't seem to understand.

Your housekeeper was kind enough to show me your treasures.

Oh, I see.

What treasures were you kind enough to show Mr. Huggins?

Oh, you know, master...

...your Louis XV, your Renoir, your Ming.

Oh, those treasures. You sure you didn't forget anything?

Oh, the statue.

Is that a Michelangelo?

I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Are you quite through?

I have not had so much fun in a long time, master.

Would you like to see something else?

No, I've seen more than enough, thank you.

I'll be back here in the morning with the assessor.

Mr. Huggins, all of this is not what it seems.

Oh, you're- As soon as I tell you the truth...

...you're gonna get a big laugh.

Oh, I'm dying to hear all about it.

Well, Jeannie does these...

We like to call them tricks.

- None of this is genuine. - Of course it is genuine-

Would you hold this a moment, please. Stand there.

See, the Michelangelo, the Renoir...

...and the Ming and whatever, well, they're all just junk.

Well, I'd like to say, my guess is...

...this junk's gonna run somewhere between 20 to 30 years in prison.

Oh, 20 to 30 years.

And you can explain to the government...

...why none of it appeared on your income tax, major.

Oh, and I wouldn't touch that safe if I were you.

- Safe? - The one full of cash.

I'll be back early in the morning with the assessor.

We showed him, did we not, master?

I think he was impressed.

What made you do that?

Why, he did not like your house, master...

...and I did not want him to think you were poor.

- Well, that's what I am, a poor master. - No.

I wake up in the morning and I come down and what do I-?

A Michelangelo and a Renoir...

...and a Ming. You've gotta get rid of this.

- Oh, but I could not do that, master. - Why not?

Because I want you to have beautiful things.

You never let me do anything for you.

The other genies give their masters treasures...

- ... and palaces and lovely silks and- - Oh yes, I know, I know, but...

...if I ever need a treasure or a palace...

...believe me, you'll be the first one to know.

- Well, now, get rid of this stuff. - No.

Jeannie, I've gotta pay income taxes on this.

But why? I gave them to you.

That doesn't make any difference. I still have to pay taxes on it.

You mean people cannot give you gifts?

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, you tell your government that is ridiculous.

Ridiculous! Oh, they are so beautiful.

- Yes, I know that. - They are-

They are you.

Enjoy them.

Yeah, I just can't afford it.

Jeannie? Now, Jeannie, you stop that.

Stop it this- Jeannie, come out of it. Come on.

Listen, young lady. I want all this stuff gone-

You understand that? Gone. - when I get home.

Oh, he is so adorable when he is angry.

You mean Jeannie gave you a Renoir, a Michelangelo and a Ming vase...

...and you're complaining?

Oh, how ungrateful can you get?

Hey, Roge, I gotta get rid of that stuff.

All right, all right. What are friends for?

Tell you what, I'll take the Renoir, the Michelangelo and the Ming vase.

You'll only get in trouble.

Trouble? That's right. Get in trouble.

I'll tell you what, I'll take the Renoir and the Michelangelo.

- No. - How about just the Renoir?

- No. - Then will you buy me a cup of coffee?

That I got.

Roge, don't you understand?

I am in trouble with the Internal Revenue Department.

There's a guy on my neck, he's bringing an assessor to my house.

How am I gonna explain all that art?

It's simple. All you have to do is tell him...

- Yeah, what, what? - Well, you could say that...

- Yeah, you got problems. - Doesn't he always?

- What's your problem? - Oh, nothing, sir.

- We were just talking about art. - Yeah, about art.

Tony is a real culture vulture.

Yes. The simulator's ready for you, major.

- I'll be right along. - You'll handle the controls?

The least I can do for a great collector of our generation.

- If you don't mind, major. - Yes, sir.

- You finish this, huh? - Oh, yes-

Here's your hat, Roger.

How long do I stay up, sir?

Oh, I think 60 minutes should be plenty.

Beautiful piece of equipment.

Anything that can happen in outer space can happen here.

The difference is if it happens in this, you can get home for lunch.

Home for lunch. Well, shall we get started?

I'm gonna start off with some yaw.

Let's begin at 10 degrees.

We don't want to shake him up too badly at first.

- Are you okay, Tony? - Fine here. Let her rip.

Okay, hold tight.

- I'm gonna soup her up. - I'm ready.

- Give him a 30-degree pitch. - Yes, sir.

How are you feeling, major?

Pretty good, sir.

Well, you are in remarkably good health, major.

- You can get dressed now. - Oh, thank you.

Well, excuse me.

Dr. Bellows.

A visitor for me?

Who is it? Huggins?

I don't know any Huggins.

Oh, urgent, huh? Very well.

I'm on my way to my office now.

- I'll see you later. - Yes, sir.

- Your shirt. - Shirt?

Oh, yes.

- Oh, come in. - Dr. Bellows?

- Yes? - Harry Huggins.

Oh, sit down, Mr. Huggins.

Department of Internal Revenue.

The Department of- Now, if it's about that trip...

...I took to Jamaica last year, I can prove it was government business.

I'm not here to discuss you, doctor...

...but I'll certainly make a note of that.

Jamaica.

No, I'm here...

...because something peculiar is going on with one of your men at the base.

What has Major Nelson done now?

I didn't mention his name. How do you know it was Nelson?

Do you see these reports? They are all on Major Nelson.

- Well, what are they about? - Well, I wouldn't know where to begin.

Here's a report of a woman who swears...

...she saw him flying over Cocoa Beach.

Well, he's a pilot, isn't he? What's so unusual about that?

He had no plane.

A gas-station attendant saw Major Nelson's car go into a drive-in theatre.

Well, that doesn't seem unusual.

No one was in the car.

Here's one that will interest you.

A witness saw it snow on Major Nelson's house...

...but only on his house, in the middle of July.

That was obviously some crackpot.

It was reported by me, Mr. Huggins.

Oh, was it?

I have 117 of these. I'm afraid you'll have to wait in line.

The government doesn't wait in line, doctor.

I'm here to get the answers to some questions.

Well, I don't know whether I can answer them, Mr. Huggins.

You see, our files are confidential.

I'm with the government, remember?

Now, that's a coincidence. So am I.

And I'm wearing a uniform to prove it.

How would you like to have your income tax audited...

...for the last five years?

How would you like to be drafted?

Let me put it another way.

My branch of the government would appreciate cooperation...

...from your branch of the government.

What is it you want to know?

Would you say that Major Nelson is a rich man?

Well, sometimes he is and sometimes he isn't.

A few weeks ago he had $3 million in his Christmas Club fund.

His Christmas Club fund?

When we went to track it down, it had vanished.

- Well, I think I found it again. - Where?

Sorry, we can't give out that information.

This is gonna mean a nice promotion for me.

Inspector Huggins.

We've been after Nelson for a long time.

After him? For what?

Can you keep it confidential?

I mean, this is one branch of the government talking...

- ... to another branch of the government. - Go ahead.

Your Major Nelson is the head...

...of an international smuggling ring.

Mr. Huggins, if you told me that Major Nelson could fly like a bird...

...grow apple trees in the middle of his living room...

...talk to vacuum cleaners, I wouldn't argue with you.

But when you tell me that you think he's involved...

...with an international gang of smugglers...

...I'm afraid I must disagree with you.

Doctor...

...his salary is $950 a month.

You show me a man who makes that...

...who owns a Michelangelo, a Renoir...

...and keeps six servants, and I'll show you a crook.

Major Nelson is not a crook.

These things are undoubtedly reproductions.

Well, if he reproduced the safe full of cash...

...I'm even more anxious to get my hands on it.

That's counterfeiting.

I've got him coming and going.

Believe me, it's strange to hear myself saying this...

...but I am sure that Major Nelson is innocent.

The curator of the Palm Beach Museum is flying up in the morning.

And what if Major Nelson removes the things tonight?

- He'd be a fool if he didn't. - You mean you think he will?

Of course, doctor. He's in a panic.

Right at the moment, the poor devil's out...

...probably trying to round up a truck...

...then he's planning to drive to the house...

...and load everything in the truck...

...and lose it somewhere.

And what's to stop him?

I am, Dr. Bellows. I am.

Mr. Huggins, you may be an expert on financial matters...

...but I happen to be an expert on Major Anthony Nelson.

There's no truck.

Have you driven a truck before?

- Sure you know what you're doing? - Believe me, this is the only way out.

- Hey, a real Cellini. - Michelangelo.

- Well, she could have copied Cellini. - Yeah.

- Let's get this out first. - All right.

And be careful, it's worth about $2 million.

- $2 million? - Don't drop it. Come on, come on.

All right. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait a minute, will you?

- I got the heavy end. - I know that. Come on, let's go.

- Let me turn around here. - Wait, I haven't got a good grip on it.

Okay. I got it. I got it. Hold on.

- Put your end down. - Hello.

Hello yourself. Get this onto the truck.

- Put your end down, Roger. - I can't let my end down.

I just got a good grip on it.

Get a grip on yourself. Just put it down.

Oh, you sent for help. Good idea. We can use you.

Better get this out of here before the Revenue Department catches us.

- Roge, this is- - Want to give us a hand?

- This is Mr. Huggins... - Nice to meet you, Mr. Huggins.

...of the Department of Internal Revenue.

I guess I'd better be running along.

Just a moment, major. Just a moment.

We'll consider you an accomplice after the fact.

Hear what he said? An accomplice after-

This is a notice of distraint, Major Nelson.

Nothing is to be removed from these premises...

...until my assessor gets here in the morning.

Good day, gentlemen.

Why do you let Jeannie do these things to you?

Jeannie keeps doing these things because she loves me.

Yeah, she loves you. Well, I guess this time you're really trapped.

- Not necessarily. - How you figure that?

I'm gonna outsmart her.

I'm gonna use my brain.

- Yeah, well, how are you gonna do that? - I'm gonna say, "Jeannie, you-"

- Hello, master. - Hello, Jeannie.

Do you like it? It is a Rembrandt.

Oh, it's absolutely lovely.

This is what I've always wanted. My own Rembrandt.

You are not going to ask me to return it?

Of course not. I wouldn't dream of it.

- Oh, lovely. - It'll go well with my Michelangelo.

Are you out of your mind? You realize what happens when Huggins finds that?

Well, don't worry about it.

Don't worry? Don't worry. Just for that I'm gonna ask for separate cells.

I'd like you to get ahold of all the old masters you can.

Oh, yes, master.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

This is not the right surroundings for it.

Could you blink a villa in Tangiers?

Oh, yes, master.

- Oh, I get it. - Yeah, you'll have your turn next.

While you're at it, blink all the statues and the paintings...

...and everything here to the Tangiers villa.

You are right, master.

What is-? Jeannie, take this with-

Oh, Mr. Huggins, I thought you'd gone.

To tell the truth, I couldn't bear to tear myself away from these beautiful things.

So I've decided to spend the night here with Michelangelo.

That must be Professor Preever, our little art expert.

Come in, professor.

How do you do.

Can't you just smell the Cellini in the air?

- This is Major Nelson. - How do you do, sir.

Major Healey.

- Professor Preever. - Gentlemen.

- I'll get it. - No, I'll get it.

Oh, you get it.

Oh, Dr. Bellows. What are you doing here, sir?

Hello, major. I came to offer my services.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

You're a lot of things, major, a lot of things.

But you're not an international smuggler.

I think you're going to find this a very exciting morning, professor.

For instance, here we have a genuine Ming vase.

What would you say it was worth?

About a dollar and a quarter.

" Made in Japan. "

I knew it. I didn't know how, but I knew it.

They've got the Renoir.

With a moustache?

I had an aunt who looked like that.

That wasn't there yesterday.

Six fingers?

Is this some sort of practical joke?

You bring me all the way here and show me a collection of junk?

I don't understand.

How about the safe full of money?

It's Confederate.

Confederate? How about the gold?

Try one.

- Chocolate. - I'll send you my bill.

- Major... - Professor, just a minute.

...I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to see you do it to someone else.

About your trip to Jamaica, Dr. Bellows...

...you did say it was strictly government business?

Now, why don't you level with me for the rest of the afternoon.

Oh, thank you, but I never want to go through that again.

- Neither do I. - Well, it is your own fault, master.

- My fault? - Yes. You should have told me...

...that it would get you into trouble. I never would've done that.

There were many ways I could have impressed that man.

He did not have to come into your house...