Original subtitles

I am so pumped for our party tomorrow night.

-Same! -Same!

-Thing is, I've got this hag. -A what?

Hag. It's a mixture between a stag and a hen do.

It's Nathan's friend's stag.

The bride's going out with all her girlfriends,

then everyone meets up at the end for the hag.

Hey, I can miss it, it's fine. I can miss it.

Should the party have a theme? Love a theme.

Isn't the diamond jubilee this weekend?

Queen-themed.

No. I'm not celebrating the monarchy. Razor.

Nell, I really enjoy all your various causes,

but in this case I'm gonna have to ask that you pop on a plastic crown

-and join in the fun. -Agreed.

Give me the fucking razor.

The other day I went to this party with Nathan

and his friends Danny and Fran, the ones getting married,

and they served like cocktails in real cocktail glasses.

I got so drunk I can't remember anything past nine pm!

"Danny and Fran" they are such classic names of people

-that you meet through a boyfriend. -So true!

-What's that mean? -You know...

"Danny and Fran have organised a camping trip."

"Danny and Fran are hiking the Inca Trail."

"Danny and Fran are breaking up and don't know who gets the butt plug."

They have organised a camping trip, actually. To Snowdonia.

I'm looking forward to it.

It'll be nice to do something that doesn't just involve getting drunk.

Ah Birdy, don't be moody.

How about I make coronation chicken, then we can decorate the house.

I'd love to, but if I'm going to the hag,

I should probably see Nathan tonight.

But you were with him last night?

But that wasn't the weekend.

It's not fair to not see him all weekend.

Okay.

I just thought we'd set up for the party together.

Well, I'll come back early tomorrow and I'll help then.

Okay. No problem.

-It's fine. Have a good day at work. -Cheers!

"Opposites attract."

That's something you hear a lot in love.

But when does being opposites become living in opposition?

I am not happy. I want more air time.

If you want to be more involved, get your boyfriend on.

-We can do a few scenes with him. -No, he would prefer to die.

He hates that I do this show.

Look the deal is, we're following your real life.

At the minute, you're giving us a tiny part of your life,

so you're only gonna be on a tiny part of the show.

Okay, I know something. About someone.

-Who? -Jade.

-What about her? -She cheated on Kyle with Alex.

And I want to tell Kyle. On camera.

I think he deserves to know.

I'd like to know when the episode will air.

I have a new swimwear line coming out and publicity would be great.

-Right, thanks Bella, thanks, bye. -Bye, Bella.

We've just got our series finale!

I did not see that one coming.

-Me neither. -I love this job!

We should celebrate. What are you doing this weekend?

Having a party tomorrow night.

-A house party? -Yep.

As in tinnies, ketamine, kettle chips?

Yep.

Great. I'll be there.

-Really? -Yeah.

Okay. Um. It starts at seven.

"Starts at seven?"

Doesn't sound like a house party?

You can come whatever time you want.

Don't lie to me Maggie. I want the kind of party

where you could get pregnant from the loo seat.

If I see any fuckin' prosecco, I'll be really angry.

Do you understand?

-Yeah? -Yep.

So we're hoping to represent Edmonton Estates

and their retail portfolio,

so it's crucial that in the upcoming pitch we really...

I'm so sorry. I'm going to have to go.

I booked a doctor's appointment. I cleared it.

That's fine, Amara.

So, in the upcoming pitch we really need to stress...

Shake it out. 6, 7, 8, and...

And squeeze in.

Lovely.

Breathe in!

-You are so gonna get it! -Shut up.

-You are. -You are!

I would 100% book a ticket if I saw you doing that on the advert.

I would be like: who is this sylph and will she be dancing on my plane.

Right. I've got to go to bed.

But continue to make our home look like

the flag shaggers headquarters, Maggie, by all means.

-Are you nervous about tomorrow? -Yeah. But it's got to be done.

I can't end the relationship without him noticing. I wish I could.

-Poor Neil. -What do you mean, "Poor Neil"?

You've been ripping the piss out of him for six years.

-Good luck. -Thank you.

-Yeah, good luck. -Yeah night. Good night.

Night.

I'm so excited about your call-back, Amara.

I knew you'd end up quitting your job and go back to dancing.

I mean property. Ha. As if you're gonna end up selling houses.

I'm not quitting my job.

You'll have to when you get the advert! What will you do?

Pretend you're sick while you go film for a week in Iceland?

I'm not quitting my job, I've still got to pay my rent.

Yeah but you can do that without being in a job you hate.

-You don't understand. -Yeah I do! Look at me.

Yeah, look at you, Maggie!

You've managed to land your dream job,

so you think everybody else can too.

And if they don't, they're selling out, or they don't want it enough.

I was told, explicitly, by someone high up in the industry

I would never make it as a contemporary dancer.

Amara, I'm sorry. I did not realise...

Yeah, and you didn't realise that I was the only girl who looked like me

on my degree course.

Or when men chat shit to me on dating apps,

it's not just a "bad batch."

I love you, babe. You are my ride or die.

But we are not the same.

And you don't fucking get it sometimes.

I'm so sorry.

I don't need you to be sorry, I just need you to see.

How long have you thought that?

I dunno...

-Two years... -Two years?

No, I just... That's wrong.

I haven't thought that for two years.

What I meant was...

It's kind of like we've been breaking up for two years.

Right, okay then, so...

That weekend in Amsterdam, for our five year anniversary.

-Were we broken up then? -No.

My aunt's wedding last summer, were we broken up then?

-No, I didn't mean... -Cause it didn't feel like it.

It felt like you were very much my girlfriend, Nell.

Two, two. One two. Two, two...

I've never been single, Neil.

I'm 25 and I've been in relationships since I was 14?

I don't want to be single.

That's not enough of a reason for us to take our 20s from each other.

I've never felt like you've taken anything from me.

Until now.

One, two...

I really love you.

You're my best mate.

I don't want us to end like this.

I'm okay. I just wanna be on my own.

I'll call you in a couple of weeks.

Yeah.

-Wow. -You like it?

Oh my God. It looks so good. Sorry I wasn't here to help.

It doesn't matter! You're here now.

We're gonna have an amazing night.

-What's this? -I'm employee of the month at work,

they gave me 10,000 points to spend in store.

Um. Okay. First of all. That is amazing. I am so proud of you.

-Thank you! -And second of all,

Yes! We need all this stuff for the house.

-I'm going to keep it in my room. -Why?

-I'm gonna keep it for entertaining. -We entertain all the time.

-Not that kind of entertaining. -Keeping it for my bottom drawer.

-What does that mean? -My mum had one when she was my age.

It's like, keeping it special. Collecting it for my first home.

This is your first home.

I need to get fucking shitfaced.

Okay yeah, we can definitely organise that, can't we Birdy?

-Yeah. -You okay. Want to talk about it?

No, thanks.

Go on then, we can use my salmon platter for the party!

-Wow! Nelly! -Go on then.

Okay...

-Hey, queen! -Hey, queen!

I'm sorry.

-Oh my God! You look so hot! -Oh, hello!

Alright, alright.

-Great party. -Hey! Great wig!

Where can I get a glass? I've brought vodka mixers.

Vodka and mixers? What is this, Mad Men?

-What can I say? -Come with me, I'll get you one.

God, I don't recognise Camden these days.

Where have all the punks and smackheads gone?

The place has got no community spirit anymore.

Probably because people like you and James

rent out all the houses to people like me?

-What's in the bag? -What isn't in the bag?

Let's get fucked! Yeah!

-Hey! -Hey!

-God, you look amazing. -Thanks!

Am I the oldest here?

-I think so. -Brilliant.

Fucking yes!

-What's that? -Mcat! Can you believe it?

Haven't seen it around since 2010, but Ruth's dealer was selling it.

Why is it on my salmon platter?

Firstly, firstly your fucking boss just barged into my room

and asked for bump of ketamine.

God, she is brilliant. She is like a proper mentor, you know?

No, it's not funny. It's really unladylike.

Since when do we give a fuck about being "ladylike"?

And I worked really hard for that salmon platter! It's special!

It was going to be an heirloom to hand down to my daughter!

I can't do that now because you've crushed up disgusting drugs on it!

Don't worry, I'll wash it!

It's not about that, it's about the memories of the platter!

-You can't wash those off! -Birdy! We're 24.

Exactly! It's time we should start acting a bit more responsibly!

No, that means it's time for us to have more fun.

Yeah, come on, I'll make you a vodka and coke. We'll put on TLC.

-I don't want a drink. -Have a dance then!

-I don't want to dance. -Jesus, you're never here!

The one night you give us, you watch the clock and wait for it to end.

-I just don't want to get wasted! -You don't mind getting wasted

with Nathan and his friends.

-That's different. -Why is it different?

You'll understand what I mean when you have a proper relationship.

Wow! Oh my God.

It feels like you want to be with Nathan, so go be with Nathan.

I will.

Spunk drunk. She'll realise it soon enough.

Woman cannot live on spunk alone.

But normally we have to find out the hard way.

Listen, would you girls let me rig up some cameras in here?

For a reality show? It'd be like minimal interference.

Just go and have a word with type one and we'll make a show of it.

I thought it was an adult relationship,

because we met at university, but...

I realise now we met when we were kids, basically.

-How'd you meet your wife? -Same. Uni.

Being together for all that time and staying in love is tough.

Yeah.

I think we weren't allowing each other to become...

who we're meant to be, you know.

But maybe we could have worked on that.

It's a bit about work, but a lot about luck.

Whether you can keep loving all the different versions of each other.

And you deserve to be with someone who can love the woman you are now.

Although, this Nell looks pretty hard to love, I hate to say it.

Shut up, she looks like Avril Lavigne.

Er... Sure.

That girl's cute as hell and you know it.

-Rock on. -Yeah.

Yeah, she didn't know very much about fashion.

No, she terrifies me. That's right keep her away.

I forgot you were coming!

I thought you were staring at the door, waiting.

Please.

To be clear, this is not another booty call.

It can be a booty call.

When will you let me take you out on a date?

-Why? -People need to eat, don't they?

You must get hungry at some point during the day, I'll take you to...

Really giving me the run around, aren't you?

-I think you love it. -Yeah, I do sort of love it.

-Mister boss man still here? -He just left.

-He fancies you. -No, he doesn't. He's married.

Yeah, never stops them.

What time is it?

Half three.

-I might have to go to bed. -No! Don't leave me.

Maggie.

-Okay, night guys. I'm going to bed. -Amara!

-I see. Okay. -Do us proud, queen.

-Okay, Night night. -Night night.

-Love you! -Love you!

Right! We need more booze!

Hey, do one of you guys have a light?

Wow... Smoking weed in the street. Reminds me of my youth.

-How old are you guys? -Nineteen.

God, so young. Everyone I know has got so old and unfun.

And I'm like, sorry I want to live before I die. You know.

Make yourself at home, lads.

-You're back. -For you, Madame.

And Shiraz?

-Maggie! My laptop's gone! -Are you sure?

Yeah. We've looked everywhere.

Mine's gone too! I always keep it here.

Mine was playing music in the kitchen but I don't get it.

Who would have taken it? We knew everyone who was here.

Fuck. Do you think it was one of those boys?

What boys?

The guys I met outside the Londis. I invited them in for a bit.

I didn't see them leave.

-Maggie! -I'm sorry.

Do you know their names?

-Where they live? -No.

-Fuck! -Why did you invite them?

Okay. I'm gonna buy you a new laptop.

We'll split the cost, I'll pay you back.

What am I gonna tell school? I need that laptop for work, Maggie.

Okay. I am going to fix this.

Just trust me, I'm gonna sort this out today.

And I think we all agree, there is one woman

who is the absolute opposite of a dodgy dealer and that is...

Her Majesty The Queen.

Yes, we're here to celebrate her diamond jubilee,

that's 60 years on the throne, ladies and gentlemen!

Give it up.

Go on. Go have a pork pie. Knock yourself out, go on.

-James. -Yeah.

I'm Maggie. I texted you earlier.

Oh, what? What is this emergency?

If it's about the washing machine, you'll have to live with it.

Put some towels down and mop up the liquid.

It's not that. What's wrong with the washing machine?

Nothing, I'm sure it's fine.

Can we talk somewhere a bit more quiet?

So. That is the long and the short of it.

We won't be paying our rent this month. Because we can't.

And it will never happen again,

but this is just gonna have to be our month off.

-Like a fallow month. -You can't be serious?

-I am. -But you can't not pay your rent.

-You heard what happened... -I'm afraid it's not my problem.

Mate. Come on. Let's just be real for a moment here.

That place is falling apart. You are massively overcharging us.

We've lived there for months and we never bother you.

Just give us this one on the house.

Sorry, it's out of the question.

I'll let you pay this month's late. If it'll help.

-How late? -I'll give you a week.

-I feel sick. -Big night?

Yeah.

Well, you know, there's only ever one thing for it to get you through.

And that, is to carry on drinking.

Yeah. I forgot. You were like,

quite a big party boy in the '90s, weren't you?

Well, I tried.

-Do you like to get high? -Why?

Couple of bombs of Mandy's, leftover from last night.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

-You wouldn't want to... -No, what, what?

Wouldn't want to take 'em, would you?

-It is a big day, isn't it? -Right?

Yeah. I feel like it's what she would want.

You won't put this on Twitter will you?

No.

Yeah alright, go on.

Oh they're quite big, aren't they?

Mmhmm.

-We'll feel it in like 40 minutes? -Yeah.

And it's a mellow high, so really... A nice mellow high.

You know, I'd forgotten how amazing this feels.

It's amazing.

Thanks for saying we can pay our rent late.

It's fine.

And it's fine if it's like six months late isn't it?

Mm. Yeah.

Yeah, you see you now. I know what it's like to be young.

I love you, James. You're the best.

Will you stroke my scalp?

No, not my hair, my scalp.

Yeah.

-Hey. -Good news.

What?

Our landlord is giving us six months to pay this month's rent late.

So I'll use this month's rent to buy Nell a new laptop next week.

I'll do leafleting shifts in the evening and weekends.

-Thank fuck. -How did you manage that?

I accidentally got high with him.

What is it with you taking class As with old men?

Come and meet me for a drink?

Mate, no. We're hanging.

We've been cleaning the house all day.

Oh, please, Amara. I don't want to go to bed.

Maggie. You're chasing the night.

And there's nothing out there for you.

Please?

No, you are putting off the comedown.

And every time you put off the comedown, it doubles.

Fine. I'll see you tomorrow.

-Bye. -Love you, bye.

-Hey, you! -Hey!

-It's been ages. -How are you?

I'm at a party. Come! I want to see you!

-Where? -Liverpool.

Oh yeah, you're still studying there.

Just get a train.

I think the last train's gone.

It's over 200 miles away.

Fine. How much will it cost?

-Three hundred? -I have 150 pounds.

Can you turn it up a bit, please?

-Hey! How are you? -Hey! Good you?

-Yeah. Shush. Upstairs... -Oh, okay.

-What happened to the party? -Oh, it ended.

But it's okay, yeah? Party for two!

Why you at your parents' house? Not doing your PhD?

No, I am. Me and my girlfriend, we broke up. So...

Yeah, I had to move out.

-I'm so sorry. -It's okay. Head upstairs.

-I'll grab us a drink. -Okay, yeah.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

-I've drunk way too much tonight. -It's okay. We can just hang out.

I think ending that relationship kind of broke my dick.

It's okay. It will fix itself. They nearly always do.

Sometimes, I think I'm addicted to being awake.

Maybe you're scared of being asleep.

I guess so.

-Why? -Don't know.

Feels like being dead.

I think it'll be fun, being dead.

Why?

Wouldn't have to worry about anything.

Sounds awful.

I never want to die.

We have to die.

It's what gives life meaning.

I hate it when people say stuff like that.

It's all meaningless anyway.

We're literally lying on a cartoon duvet, smoking weed.

You can keep your bit of meaning.

It's a too high a price to pay for an eternity of nothingness.

I never want to not be here.

Shall we try to sleep?

Okay.

Where you going?

Home.

-Mags. -Where are you?

-Where are you? -Liverpool, weirdly.

-What are you doing in Liverpool? -The Beatles walking tour. Finally.

I don't know.

Why didn't you pick up my calls?

I was asleep.

Are you on your way home?

Okay, you have to know,

I literally would rather walk back along the motorway to London,

than ask you this, in fact I did check how long it would take

and it's two days 10 hours, which would be fine,

but I do have a really important meeting tomorrow morning.

I need to get a train ticket home and I don't have any money left.

And I'm at the bottom of my overdraft.

But I will pay you back the minute I get paid next week.

I'm not transferring you any money. I'll book a ticket and email it.

Thank you.

-Is your phone fully charged? -Yep.

And I'm gonna buy you a thank you present.

And I will cook you your favourite dinner.

I'll book you onto the coach instead of a train. It's cheaper.

Okay.

It takes longer. It will give you some time

to think about the consequences of your decisions.

Alright Birdy, ease up a little bit.

I already feel like shit.

I'm really sorry. I would do the same for you.

Thank you. I love you.

Bye.

She's alive.

Shall we ring your mum?

No. She already hates Dad.

He promised he'd be there.

He missed my concert,

and he's forgotten he's meant to be having me for the weekend.

Why don't we get the bus to his salon?

I bet he was working late and he's organised a surprise for you.

Yeah.

Stay here!

-Maggie! -I'm not Maggie, I'm your dad.

My name is Ivan and I like to...

be late for everything and... marry loads of women. Now...

Let's hear that violin.

Go on.

Bravo! Oh my God!

And the crowd goes wild!

There. Now your dad's seen it.

You are the only person in the world

who knows how to make me feel better.

Martini?

-They're for the clients! -Oh, your dad won't notice.

-We are so fun, aren't we? -We are the funnest.

...and to be honest, yes, it was too small.

I mean in terms of square footage, we'll grow out of it very quickly.

But there is planning permission for a loft conversion.

-That's great. -Really?

Yes, so we just decided to make an offer and we'll see how it goes.

The prodigal son returns!

Hi!

Sorry. I didn't realise you had people round.

-Mags, this is Danny and Fran. -Hey.

-Hello. -Hello.

-Hi, Nathan. -Yo.

What's with the, um...? Where did you get the...?

There was a hen party on the coach.

Thought it would be a nice trinket for the living room.

-Where have you been? -Liverpool.

Oh, lovely. Have you got friends who live there?

Sort of. Yeah, I mean, it was a bit of an impromptu trip.

I was on a night out last night and didn't want the night to end,

but no one here wanted to carry on. But my friend in Liverpool did.

So I just got a cab to his.

Oh, right.

What happened with the flat? Did they accept your offer or...?

-We're still waiting to hear back... -It's not just about the night out.

Is it? It's also because you love drama.

Look, I'm a pretty reasonable guy.

And I don't like getting involved in other people's business.

But Belinda was really, really worried about you.

Okay.

Well, I'm gonna go and have a bath, so...

H ave a lovely evening, everyone.

-Loft conversion. -Loft conversion, yes.

-That was delicious, thank you. -Oh, good.

-How long have you known each other? -A long time.

She was the first person I met at school. So... 13 years?

I know she's your best friend,

and I know you love her,

but I don't know how you've done it for 13 years.

Yeah...

She's, she's pretty exhausting.

Coffee anyone?

Yeah. Please, sounds good.

Subtitles: Lily Ray plint.com