Original subtitles

You seem quiet.

What's going on?

Come on, talk to me.

Okay. God, I feel like a loser telling you this.

Nah. You can tell me anything.

I'm worried you're not over Jade.

You know, I heard she's not happy you're dating again,

and I guess I'm scared you two have unfinished business.

Jade is always gonna be a part of my life.

But there's a big difference between unfinished business

and ancient history.

The girl I can't stop thinking about isn't the one from my past.

It's the one in my present.

Yes!

Cut. Thank you.

You did great.

-Where are they going now? -Drinks, then dinner later.

We should film her and Bella tomorrow.

If they do sleep together, she'll want to debrief.

Good thinking. Right, I'll see you later.

Hey. Listen, it would be great to get together at some point,

to brainstorm about my role.

Like I said before, that's not how this show works

because we're following your real lives.

I see myself as the first-ever method reality TV star.

-Do you know what I mean? -Uh... no, not really.

So I can get behind the camera as well as in front.

-I'm not sure you can. -Sick! I'll be in touch.

Yeah!

-Come on. -Awesome.

-Yeah. -Next time.

-Take this downstairs? -Sure.

-TJ! -Yo.

Hey. Do you know if they've wrapped Jade's Pilates scene?

-I think they're still shooting. -Cool.

Where are you drinking before the series launch?

This place does a burger and a beer deal.

Cool. I might join you.

It's for under 25s.

-I am under 25. -Are you serious?

Yeah.

We all assumed you had to be, like, 35 years old.

Nope. Twenty-four.

How did you get this job? Are you someone's niece, or...?

-No. -Oi. Working Girl.

Get in my office, now.

You've been doing great work. Your instincts are bang-on.

I'm happy you're happy.

How are you getting on with everyone out there?

I don't really know those guys

because us producers are busy doing our thing.

But that's fine.

I'm not here to make friends, but to be the best I can be.

You watch too much reality TV.

You can front all you want.

You're desperate to make everyone like you.

You reek of it, like Miss Dior Chérie.

I do sometimes wear that perfume, so maybe it's just...

Look, it's special that you're so young.

I hired you because we need that kind of insight.

Just, you know, don't be too young.

What do you mean?

You've got a long career ahead of you.

It's gonna take up a lot of your time.

Don't waste it trying to be liked by everyone. Trust me.

-TJ. -Yeah.

Cup of tea would be great.

Did you see that?

-Cheek. -Wow.

Lost.

That's how I felt for most of my 20s.

In a maze without an exit, on a boat without a rudder,

going round and round the wrong cul-de-sac.

And every time I felt this confusion,

this lack of direction, I did one thing.

I tried to be a brand-new person.

I got the job!

Hi, everyone. Welcome to this workshop.

So nice to see so many new faces.

Okay, let's get started.

We go down, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight.

Stretch, two, three, four, five, six, up.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

...five, six... and eight.

And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

-Thanks. -Oh, yeah, you're welcome.

Thank you. That was great.

You're really good. Are you with another company?

-No. -Freelance?

I'm not a dancer. I work in property.

I used to dance. Well, I tried to.

I did a dance degree,

then did a bunch of auditions after I graduated,

but I stopped about six months ago.

-Why? -Got kind of tired of it all.

It was the final round for this company I'd always loved.

I'd already had loads of knock-backs.

Comments about the fact that I did a dance degree at uni

instead of going to a dance school.

Directors assuming that I was a street dancer.

And then, the woman at this audition

says to me, in front of everyone, "Tuck your bum in."

I carried on dancing.

And then she says it again, and I was so embarrassed.

I said to her, "That's just my body."

She says nothing.

Then everyone leaves, and she asks me to stay behind.

And then she says,

"My darling, let me save you a lot of heartache.

You move well, but you're..."

"Not the right fit for a company like this."

And I never will be.

Look, fuck her.

The window for trying to make this work professionally is short.

But you know that.

I honestly just ended up thinking it was impossible.

No. It's really, really hard. But it's not impossible.

Really?

I didn't do anything.

If you were one of my year ten boys,

I'd put you in immediate detention for that, Simon.

I quite like the thought of that.

7:30 on a Thursday night. Why are we both here?

-Well, you're marking. -Yes.

And I'm... watching you marking.

I know, and it's very distracting.

Fine. I'll go.

Even though I'm the only one in this room

who knows where the end-of-term-party wine

is hidden.

Next time.

Phone.

On the off-chance you ever find yourself

wanting a distraction.

I'm just obsessed with shoving stuff in my gob.

Same. But everything I put into it gets me in trouble.

Fags. Pints. MSG.

I wish there was a hobby for your mouth

that was guilt-free.

The flute?

Hiya!

-I got the job! -Yes!

-Yes, you beauty! Well done! -Thank you.

I can't believe they actually kept my CV on file.

I'm gonna be a buyer's assistant.

-When do you start? -Next week.

Do you want a fish finger sandwich? Or a drink? We should celebrate.

We have some toffee vodka in the freezer.

I've already eaten. I went to Nathan's after I got the news.

Toffee vodka then.

Street was there.

-Was he? -Yep.

And I want you to know,

whatever you wanna find out about him, I'll find out.

I'll be your man on the ground.

That is so sweet of you, Birdy,

but... honestly, I've turned a corner.

I've deleted his number.

I never wanna look at my phone and wait for a text from him

ever, ever again.

I've entered a period of celibacy.

I'm being serious. I've got to start making more grown-up choices

in all areas of life.

I've booked myself in for an STI check.

The only thing I got from that relationship

are... technicolour strains of HPV.

So, yeah. That's my news. New chapter.

You could buy one of those suction cup dildos

-and stick it to your wall. -I did consider that.

But the thought of me humping a wall alone in my room

was a bit much, even for me.

Fair.

What time tomorrow?

Oh, my gosh, I am so excited.

I can't believe I get to meet Kyle. Kudos!

-7:30? -What's tomorrow?

The launch party for series three of Heirs and Graces.

It's gonna be really, really fun.

But you have got to be on your best behaviour.

-I wanna be taken seriously at work. -Got it.

-Cheers, everyone! -To Birdy!

-Cheers! -To Birdy!

So, do those dildos stick to any surfaces, or just walls?

Inhale, upward dog.

Exhale, downward-facing dog.

Now jump forward, wrap your legs around your arms.

I don't think it's for me.

Stick with it.

It has given me a sense of focus like I've never experienced before.

You'd like happy baby.

Happy baby!

Happy baby.

Happy baby.

Are you sure it's okay if I bring Nathan tomorrow night?

Of course. Will be nice to have him there.

And I can't wait for you to meet Roisin.

She's terrifying and amazing.

I've told her all about you. She calls you my other half.

You know, I was thinking,

maybe we should allocate time together.

Like, sync our diaries every week.

I know you don't normally believe in calendars, but...

No, I agree. I think that's a really good idea.

-Good. -Dream job. Serious relationship.

All in your first year of moving to London.

-You're nailing it, little bird. -So are you.

So, what's the best custody agreement, then?

Nathan and I get you every other weekend?

-And you sack off your mum? -Sounds great.

We'll work it out.

We always work it out.

Can I sleep with you tonight?

Yeah, of course. You never have to ask.

Please, can we put the windows up now?

No! The colder you are, the more activated your metabolism.

You can eat anything when you're shivering.

Calories cancelled.

-According to who? -Cosmopolitan magazine.

Can you believe that it's done now?

Exams. School. Forever. It's over. We're free.

Don't say that.

I've been waiting for this moment since I was five.

I've been dreading this moment since I was five.

Look, Birdy, look out there. What do you see?

-Wembley Stadium? -Not literally.

I mean, what do you see in your future?

I look at that city and I see

all the people I'm gonna meet and the jobs I'm gonna have

and the men I'm gonna fall in love with.

-What do you see? -Something completely terrifying.

It's not terrifying.

Think of our first London flat together.

Four-poster bed and a cinema room.

Absolutely.

-Oh, my God. -What?

-Hi. -Oh, my God.

Hi.

Mags, are you okay? You look worried.

I'm not worried. I'm just... Have you seen Jade?

I think she knows Kyle and Bohemia slept together,

and I need to keep them apart so they don't have a confrontation.

Mags, look at me. You need to enjoy this.

It's your first-ever work party.

-And you earned it. -Okay. Okay, thank you.

-Ah, the famous Birdy. -Yes. Birdy, this is Roisin.

So, you two have been best friends since school?

Yeah, and went to uni together, moved to London together.

That's beautiful. I've got a friend like that.

Paula. Grew up together. Learnt all the hard lessons.

She knows my family. I know her family.

She's the path back to all my memories.

-Do you know where she is now? -Where?

No idea. Haven't spoken to her

since she married some ham-faced police officer called Ken.

Back in a bit. I just need to find Jade.

Maggie!

-Do you guys know each other? -Yeah. We live together.

-Did not expect that. -Why not?

Just can't imagine it.

-Do you wanna play, Mags? -I'll see you in a bit.

Have you seen Jade?

All right. Okay, my go.

Cannot believe you guys are friends. You're so fun.

-What do you mean? -She's so... uptight.

-Uptight? -I'm gonna go check she's okay.

-Okay. -Go on, let's go again.

-Mags! You Okay? -No.

You two. You two, come with me.

-I can't. I'm worried... -Don't care.

Whatever you're about to do, this is more important. Come on.

So, it's a dating website, but in an app.

Like, proper streamlined. So you don't have to read

about all those people who like bungee jumping and social justice.

It's just right... left.

Yes... no.

Wide-on, no wide-on.

-And do they ever run out? -No.

-Well, they haven't yet. -Wow.

I know, right? All these men just waiting for you.

I'd love to use it but, sadly, I've decided

to give up sex for a while.

I need to learn to make better choices.

-Have you got a profile? -Not yet, no.

All you fucking millennials, what is wrong with you?

This is your sexual revolution. This is your summer of '69.

Give us your phone. I'll set you up a profile.

Oh, you're gorgeous. What do you do?

-Property. -Absolutely not. Can't allow that.

Just gonna go find Jade.

-Okay. Have you got any nudes? -Yeah.

Okay, so you wanna be sending those within 7 minutes of getting a match.

-Really? -Yes, and cut your head out of it.

-Keep your feet in. They like that. -Okay.

And not one of those cheeky pin-up things.

Don't send them anything they could see on a French beach.

You want vulva, close-up. Harsh Soviet lighting.

Flash bouncing off the labia.

-You gonna remember all this? -100%.

Good.

Looks like Maggie found Jade.

Don't you talk to me like that. Who do you think you are?

Look at Jade's boobs. They're amazing.

They're so round and high. They're higher than her shoulders.

Your boobs are better, babe.

-Go dance. -No. No, I'm fine.

No, go on, go have a dance.

No, I wanna stay here with you.

Hi, babe. Love you!

-Hey. -Hi.

-What's your name? -Amara.

-Amara, I'm Kyle. -Kyle.

I know. I watch every week.

That's embarrassing.

It might be embarrassing for you. It's not for me.

-I'm friends with Maggie. -Who's Maggie?

The story producer.

Oh, Maggie! Right, yeah. Yeah.

You look like you're running dry there, babe.

Let me get you another one.

Hi there. Hi. I'm Neil.

-Roisin. -Maggie's boss, right?

I'm a friend of hers. I've heard fantastic things.

Right. Thanks.

When did you get into showbiz?

Er, I've been working in TV for about 25 years.

Twenty-five years? Wow, that's amazing.

I'm not in the industry myself.

-I'm a trainee lawyer. -Yeah?

I have had my brush with celebrity, though.

Have you heard the name Joseph Washbourn?

-Joseph...? -Washbourn.

He's the lead singer of Toploader, the band.

-Is he? -Yeah.

My cousin went to uni with him.

So I see him most years at birthday drinks.

-Do you? -I do, yeah. Yeah.

Introduced myself a few times. Seems like a really nice guy.

Listen, if you ever wanted to get in touch with him

for a TV programme, I can get his number, no problem.

My cousin actually went on tour with him once.

What are you doing?

Er, Roisin, this is my girlfriend, Nell.

Why are you are talking about the guy from Toploader again?

I was saying, if they ever wanted to feature

a live band on Heirs And Graces, I could put Roisin in touch with...

Can I ask you something I've always wanted to know?

Of course. Yeah.

What do you put in those pockets?

How are you doing?

Oh, fine, just trying to save

the entire editorial content of the show.

-Manage it? -Jade's gone home in a huff,

so I don't have to worry about her anymore.

-What about you? -I was having a great time

until I found Neil chewing the ear off your boss.

I just... I don't understand. Why does he do it?

Can't he just engage in a normal conversation,

like a normal person, about normal things?

-Amara! -What?

-We're going home. -Are you her nan?

Kyle! What is the matter with you?

Your heartbroken ex-girlfriend has just left.

The girl you're currently dating is still here.

Pull yourself together.

-DM me, yeah? -I will!

I can't believe you did that.

Mags, chill out. It's not that big of a deal.

It's not a big deal to you, but it is a massive deal to me.

Why?

The cast are on my case all the time. They don't respect me.

They think I'm some sixth-former Roisin hired.

And it won't help that my housemate got off with one of them.

And now he will always have that over me.

You know how much I fancy him.

I've been crushing on him since we first watched that show,

and then you fucking blue-balled me.

How can you even fancy him? He's ropey as hell.

Erm, have you looked at the men you fancy, Maggie?

-Why are you being a dick? -Why are you being a dick?

You were so stressed out and hectic tonight.

I actually wasn't.

It's very difficult to make this show.

It's not that difficult.

You got the job when you were sitting on your sofa eating pizza.

How is that fucking relevant?

I'm just saying, you don't catch Nell and I turning up to work

in a hoodie, getting paid to chat about people's sex lives.

-What possessed you? -I was just making conversation.

It wasn't conversation. It was you going on and on

about some band that no one has heard of, or cares about.

"Dancing in the Moonlight" went multi-platinum.

Why is that at all relevant

when you're talking to Maggie's boss?

Fancy a porker?

I can't do anything right at the moment, can I?

Margaret Marshall.

Right, trousers down, twat out.

I try to save time by avoiding

all the "Pop your clothes off and pop on the bed" stuff.

So, what are we having?

HIV, chlamydia, clap, syphy, hep B, the full English?

Yeah. Might as well.

So, what contraception have you been using?

Condoms.

Apart from the one time when we used the pull-out...

Don't you dare say "method" to me.

Are you very tall?

-Yes? -Thought so.

We're going to need a longer speculum.

Anyway, I don't have to really think about any of that stuff anymore

because I made a decision to...

-Bit cold now. -to... stop having sex for a while.

Just full abstinence.

Deep breaths, only a couple of seconds.

To really think about the choices I've been making.

And only have sex with, like, three people a year,

who all put money aside for a... pension.

All done.

You know... I'm not a GUM clinic priest.

I can't throw some holy lube on you and tell you you're now cleansed.

Whatever you're looking to me for, I'm not gonna be able to give you.

-How old are you? -Twenty-four.

Twenty-four.

I wish I'd done nothing but fuck when I was 24.

My generation were the first women who could have sex

outside of marriage without it completely ruining our lives.

Human bodies are like countries.

You are free to explore the world, if that's what you want.

And you should, frankly.

While you still have the energy and skin elasticity.

-Just use a condom. -I will.

You have a lovely cervix, by the way.

Real star quality.

Hey. What you doing?

-Same. -My girl is back.

God, I'm addicted. If I could, I'd take a week off work

just to get through all the profiles.

-Any good matches? -A few. How about you?

A few.

Where do you stand on moustaches?

Don't mind them. Quite like them, actually.

Make me feel like I'm with a very powerful but disgusting

porn magnate who's begged me back to his penthouse.

Your imagination, I swear.

Are you even in the room when you have sex?

-Barely. -Hi.

Can I get a glass of white wine, please?

Just the house white. Large, please.

What?

Just some freak talking to me like I'm a piece of fruit.

-I'm from Reading, mate. -Show me.

Oh, my God. That's rank.

Any gross messages?

A couple. How about you?

-Loads. -Saying what?

That they've always wanted to be with a black girl.

Or they tell me that they've been with loads of other black girls.

-Oh, my God. -It's just fucked up

to think I'm a thing to tick off a guy's sexual to-do list.

Like, me just being human is their dirty fetish.

It makes me feel mental.

Do you think anyone will have a fetish

for lanky white girls who talk too much

and stop giving blowjobs after a month?

I hate that men speak to you like that.

You must have just got a bad batch.

-Why are they all graphic designers? -There you go.

I was being a dick last night. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I just don't understand all the different boundaries

of who you are in your personal life and who you're meant to be at work.

I find the office so confusing.

I don't know how to be taken seriously,

and I don't know how to be liked.

Everyone just thinks I'm this weird, boring loser.

Well, if there's one thing I know you can do, Mags,

it's win people over.

Good luck at university.

Bye, Birdy. Drive safely, won't you?

-Love you. -Love you, darling.

This is it, Birdy. We're driving down a road

that's gonna take us into the whole giant world.

We're driving down the M5.

It's not just the M5. It's the beginning.

First uni, then jobs, then London.

We'll lose our virginities

and then the world will be our oyster.

-I'm scared. -Don't be.

Nothing bad can happen. We've got each other.

You forgot the plant.

-Good luck! -Bye!

Cancel your plans, put on your thongs!

I have just matched

with a circus performer called Victor.

I am negative for all STIs, and we are going out tonight!

I thought you weren't drinking. Or having sex.

Or eating carbs.

Changed my mind. Life is for living.

-Do you have a pen and paper? -No.

In the bowl.

Right, what do we need? Crisps, salt and vinegar.

-Cheese and onion. -No, man. How many times?

You don't have to eat them!

Cigarettes. Regular? Yes. Menthol? Yes. Fake tan.

-Vodka. -Gum.

Fresh razors, my treat.

-Pre-drinks? -Here.

-DJ? -Nell.

-Then Hawley? -Then dancing. Perfect.

-Yes! -What's going on?

We're going out tonight, but properly this time.

None of this six pints and home by 1:00 am nonsense.

What... What about me?

I thought you were with Nathan. Oh, are you free?

I can be free! What time are we heading out?

9:00. Pre-drinks at 7:30.

-Great. -Oh, can you put down gaffa tape?

-Yeah, why? -Top I'm gonna wear.

-Hey! Turn it up, DJ Nell. -DJ Nell!

There we go. Okay. Yeah.

-What can I get you? -Four vodka-lime sodas.

Yeah, sure.

-Thank you. Keep the change. -Cheers.

Thank you.

-Cheers! -Cheers!

I don't know if it's because I've spent

too much time on that app,

but everyone here looks like an estate agent.

I know, right?

-Mags, I think I'm gonna go. -Okay.

-Is that okay? -Of course!

-Love you! -Love you!

Bye, guys. Love you.

I might go too. I'm not feeling well.

-Are you okay? -Yeah.

-I'll see you tomorrow. -Okay!

Man, Birdy's really defected, hasn't she?

Yeah. But it's okay.

-You sure? -Yeah.

We're cool. We're like sisters.

We let each other do our own thing. We always come back together.

If you actually had sisters,

you'd realise how off-key that description is.

-Crew is two! -Crew is two!

Oh, my God.

Okay, I've just sent you his full name and number

in case you never hear from me again.

And I have just sent you his address, for safety.

-I can't believe we're doing this! -Me neither.

-It's wild. -I know.

Do you worry we might get a little bit murdered?

Think of it like this.

It's just as wild as going home

with a stranger we meet in here tonight.

You're right.

You look fit.

So do you.

Hello.

-Ready? -Ready.

I wasn't lost. I was just travelling.

Clutch bag as my backpack. Phone as my map.

Every night.

Every swipe.

I didn't know where I was going, but it felt like an adventure.

To familiar lands

and unknown lands.

-Spank me. -Really?

-Yeah. -Okay.

I'm sorry!

I'm so sorry!

-Shut up. -Do that again.

Fuck yeah!

-Oh, my God. Are you okay? -Yeah.

Okay, fine. It didn't always go to plan.

But mostly it did.

When Dickens wrote,

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,"

I think he may have been talking about the launch of dating apps.

-I'm gonna cum. -What?

-Fuck! -Oh, God, I'm so sorry. Maggie, I...

Of course, there were moments of shame...

Yes, Maggie.

I knew you were a G.

...and some walks of shame.

But I don't regret a moment of it.

I was just travelling

through boroughs and bodies, with no destination in sight.

Good morning.

Subtitles: Lea Espector plint.com