Original subtitles

Five, six... Five, six, seven, eight.

That was the best we've got it!

-Yes! -I got none of it right!

Okay, let's learn the next section.

Right, so we go... Ba, ba, ba.

-I'll get it! -Twisty. Twisty.

Okay, so, ba, ba, ba, twisty, twisty.

-Throw... Hiya! -Alright? How's it going?

It's going good. How are you?

Yeah, alright thanks.

Sorry, we're a bit not dressed.

-We're learning a dance routine. -Class! Let's see.

-Yes! -No way.

-Absolutely not. -Come on! He'll love it!

I actually better head to my room,

-just got loads of work to do. -Really?

Yeah. But it's great! Let's finish another time.

Can we do it one more time for Nathan?

I've really got to crack on, I'm sorry Nathan.

It was lovely to see you, though. I wish we could catch up properly.

Maybe next time.

-Thank you -Hi.

Sit down.

We've all been there.

At one point or another,

we've all felt someone backing out of a relationship,

in slow motion, hoping you won't realise.

Now, I know that the best way to deal with this is to stay calm,

give them space and remain dignified.

But like all the important lessons. That took me a while to learn.

You coming down for dinner?

No, go ahead. I'm doing job applications and then blogging.

Don't eat in front of your laptop again.

Amara, we are in a boom of mediocre girls making a name for themselves

by being moderately funny on the internet.

I can't waste a minute. This is my time.

Okay. I guess it's just me, Birdy, Nell,

and our fourth housemate Nathan.

I know, right?

And she doesn't even warn us anymore?

I don't know how this happened. Why is he here all the time?

Right?!

And he can't quite get the boyfriend-of-a-housemate vibe right.

Yeah, and it's super simple: talk a tiny bit,

but not too much and always offer to make tea.

If in doubt, act like a respectful waiter in a high-end restaurant.

And why is he constantly watching televised sports?

It is a permanent rotation of football, rugby, cricket, snooker.

How many different ways can men push balls around?

I have learnt so much about sport in the past month,

all of it against my will.

Why do I know when the transfer window closes, Amara? Why?

I've been doing the calculations, and I think he's used up, like,

seven pounds of hot water in this week alone.

-Sure. -I've got it all recorded,

in case we ever need to use it.

Maybe you should put the book away for a bit.

I don't understand why they're seeing so much of each other

-so early on. -Neither do I.

But I s'pose it's not really any of our business.

Oh see? This is where you let me down, Amara.

Stop being so relaxed. I need you to be livid.

Stay here with me in the madness. Grab a pen.

Take tabs of how often he's using the kettle.

Nutter.

-I mean can you ever have all three? -No, I don't think so.

What about David Attenborough?

That is a really good point Nathan. Really, really good point.

-What you guys talking about? -The three motivations for a career.

Bread, cred or integ. Bread, money.

Credibility, recognition. Integ, satisfaction.

-You mean being smug. -No, I mean your integrity.

-And you think you're integ. -Oh so true.

-All teachers think they're integ. -I do not think I'm integ!

Yeah, you do. With your 8 AM starts and your... unions.

I'm sorry I'm the only one in this house qualified for anything.

And I get in for 7:30 actually,

not that you'd know because you're asleep when I go.

-I think you're missing a category. -Which?

-Incred. -What's incred?

Whether you want to be incredible.

Whether you want your work to leave a legacy in the world.

Definitely not me.

No!

I won't have the classification system derailed like this.

Incred is not a category.

It's something you've made up cause you think people can still get jobs

by being precocious to some bigwig who says,

"I'm taking a chance on you, kid."

-See I'd love that. -I've got to blog.

-What about? -The ethics of reusing a nude.

Go leave that legacy in the world.

Honestly Nathan, you've got to read her blog.

It is so funny. It's better than any magazine you'll ever buy.

I'll check it out.

Oh God, I'm sorry for the surprise visit,

I don't have a number for any of you.

-Who are you? -I'm James, I'm your landlord.

What the fuck is going on?

This is James our landlord, apparently.

I have got a leather sofa for you.

We don't need a leather sofa, we've got a sofa.

You won't turn it down when you see it.

-We don't have room. -Just come out to the van

and look before you make your mind up?

-Why you trying to flog us a sofa? -I'm not...

Fuck sa... I'm trying to give it to you for free.

-No, thank you. -What's going on?

No, they don't want it... I don't know...

not enough room apparently... Look just stay in the van,

and we'll dump it at number 32.

Because I think the tenants are on holiday. Yeah.

Do I know you?

You present Dodgy Dealers!

Yeah, that's the one, yeah.

Giving ripped-off Britain a right to reply.

While you're here, can you take a look at the damp on the wall.

Yeah, I think that will just clear up by itself, to be honest.

Hmm. I don't think it will.

Well, can't you girls see it as like bohemian?

Like you're a group of artist in The East Village in the '70s?

Splattering canvasses with your own blood?

-Well, I... -No.

Fine, well I'll speak to my business partner

get 'em to come at the weekend, take look. Hello?

Yeah... no, I want to keep it out of court...

Yeah, well it's a roof you know.

Yeah? Well, roofs sag don't they? You know?

They do, yeah.

Why is the presenter of Dodgy Dealers in our house?

-He's our landlord! -I've gotta go.

-Good luck with your interview! -Got your sandwich?

Yes! Love you! Bye.

You look great!

I'm so nervous.

I should go. The interview isn't until 12,

I want to familiarise myself with the location.

-It's seven. -You can never be too prepared.

It's one of the most prestigious companies in the world.

Eat this mid-morning cause you talk...

-Too fast when I'm hungry, I know. -Deep breaths.

You're gonna be great. Call me when you're done.

-Love you. -Love you!

-Bye. -Bye! Good luck with the interview!

-No leafleting today? -No shifts.

Doing job applications.

Look at you in your corporate wardrobe.

I never thought I'd see you out of leggings.

-I know. Mental. -How does it feel?

I can't believe it's every day like this forever.

I am so tired every lunch time.

I look at the clock and there's still five more hours to go.

But, at least...

I wish I could do what you've done.

Which is?

Give up my dreams and sell out for an ASOS wardrobe.

-What's in today's? -Marmite and lettuce.

It's all we had in the fridge. Sorry.

-I'll see you later. -Bye!

Morning.

March, 1979. My Mum gets a job at Peter Jones as a Saturday girl.

The John Lewis lineage in my family begins.

My first week at university.

To make my room in halls feel like home, I pack a dressing gown,

bedding and a pair of mugs, all from John Lewis. And guess what?

It feels like home!

John Lewis and its products have walked me through womanhood,

and this is one of the many reasons I feel qualified for a career here.

From the shop floor, to head office.

I'll now talk you through

what I love about each and every department.

First, the very fabric of the company, haberdashery...

What's happening? You're listening to Kit Roberts,

I want you to get in touch with the show, text in on 85628,

I wanna hear your stories about how you met your loved ones.

The show, right after this, Love At First Sight by Kylie Minogue.

Okay, let's try it again. Five, six, seven, eight!

What are you doing, you freak?

I told you we're practising our dance.

You can't take over the living room!

Mum is going to kill you if she knows you've eaten in here.

-It's just crisps. -Oh, get out.

No. My Bat Mitzvah is in two weeks and we need to rehearse.

Samuel are any of your friends coming?

A couple, why?

-She means is Dan coming. -I dunno.

-Can you text him and ask? -No.

-I'll give you ten pounds. -You haven't got that.

Yes, I have, stupid fat head!

-Birthday money from Grandma. -I'll give you five if he comes.

Yeah, he's coming.

Oh, my God. We can't do the dance if Dan's going to be there.

-Can we not? -No.

Because we will look like losers and we will die.

We will literally die.

What have I said about eating crisps in the no-food room?!

Mum I...

And good morning to you.

-Hey. -Hey, babe. How'd you get on?

Does it annoy you that Birdy's here a lot?

No.

-Is she here a lot? -Yeah. Like three times a week.

Then Nathan's at ours three times a week.

I barely noticed.

I think they just go straight into his room to...

eat stir-fries and watch The OC or whatever it is they do.

She invited him round the other night without telling any of us.

We were in the middle of learning a dance.

Dance?

-What for? -Not for anything.

Are you gonna perform it anywhere?

No.

So then, what was the point?

You're being a snob.

I'm sorry I like to have fun.

I'm sorry I don't like to sit around,

listening to miserable songs by The Cookie Monster.

Okay, his name is Tom Waits.

And I'm not being a snob.

I'm just telling you not to do that dance in public anywhere.

Cause I don't want people to laugh at you, Maggie.

Because I'm very protective of you.

God, you're such a twat.

-Where are you going? -Home. I've got to write.

Okay.

This is for you.

What is it?

Some songs I thought you might like.

-A mix tape?! -Yeah.

Yeah. So now you can listen to some actual music.

If you think I'm such a dumb bitch, why do you keep sleeping with me?

Because you're so fit and it drives me mental.

So you don't fancy me because of my personality?

Maggie, I fancy you in spite of your personality.

-I can stay a bit longer. -Good.

-Say it again. -You're a dumb bitch.

You're a hot dumb bitch with a shit personality.

-Hey. -Hey! How did it go?

Rubbish. They turned me down on the spot.

Oh no, why?

I don't know. Something about "wrong energy for the counter," I dunno.

I'm so sorry, little Bird.

-It's okay. -Right, I'm about to come home.

Me and Nell will make commiseration fajitas,

I'll take you to the pub, and we can stay there all weekend.

That's so nice of you but Nathan's gonna cook me dinner tonight.

Oh, right.

-You should join us! -Really?

Yeah! With Street.

Great! I mean...

I don't think Nathan and Street have ever shared a meal together.

But yeah... let's do it! Let me know what I can pick up.

-Okay perfect! I'll let Nathan know. -Okay, great love you bye.

Bye, love you.

-Hey! -Hey!

-You guys know each other. -Hi.

-Yeah, sorry to hear about the job. -It's okay.

What have you guys been doing today?

Nothing much really, just er, hung out.

We worked out how many CDs we could balance on Maggie's nipples.

Cool!

-How many? -Only like, one on each.

Well yeah, but then we got them really cold and it was two on each.

-What are you cooking? -Recipe from a Mister Jamie Oliver.

The patron saint to all heterosexual men.

There you go...

Well at least they gave you clear feedback.

Yeah. And they said they'd keep me in mind for other roles.

It will all be worth it when we have jobs.

We will never take them for granted.

-Nup. -What?

We want work, we get work, then we resent work.

That's how it goes.

Fifteen Minute Meals my fuckin' arse,

more like hour-and-a-half beef stroganoff...

-This looks amazing! -Thank you Nathan.

Yeah, thanks mate.

Well, help yourselves, I've gotta go to cook the rice.

Maybe I shouldn't have done the presentation.

Are you kidding? You definitely should have.

The presentation was knock-out.

-How do you know? -She showed me. It was quality.

Well fuck those guys. They weren't right for you.

-Fuck them. -And... another toast.

To our one month anniversary.

One month since what?

Our first date! We have you guys to thank for it, really.

I'm sorry the present didn't arrive on time.

Oh, it's okay baby...

-Isn't an anniversary a year? -Mhm.

-That beef was really chewy. -No, it was perfect.

I've got an idea. Let's open The Vault.

No, I don't think so.

What's The Vault?

The Vault is this metaphorical thing we open.

We throw in our darkest thoughts, then we close The Vault

and we're never allowed to mention what was put in it.

-Until we reopen The Vault. -I like the sound of this.

No the Vault should only be opened with very old friends

who have known each other a very long time.

I think we should do it!

I declare The Vault officially open.

Nathan, why don't you go first. Start us off with something light.

Right. Okay.

God, this is hard isn't it?

Er, okay. I hate all art.

I hate galleries. All of 'em.

Okay, perfect, great one to get us rolling. Birdy, your go.

No, I can't think of one.

-Yes, you can. -No, I can't.

I've got one for you. You don't like it when men say they're feminists.

-I didn't say, I didn't say that. -Yes you did.

And you also said you hate it

when they act like they think sexual harassment's the worst thing,

when really we know they think murder is the worst thing.

I don't remember saying that.

I do. Because I think it's one of the best things you've ever said.

I think women should have the same opportunities and rights as men.

I'd be sad if you were murdered.

Oh yeah, how sad?

I probably wouldn't cry at the time,

but then years later when someone really important to me would die,

like my mum or Elvis Costello,

well, I'd be devastated,

and I'd realise I'm actually crying about that murdered Maggie girl too.

Baby. That is romantic.

Maybe I should have only cooked it for the actual fifteen minutes.

Quite an interesting vibe they've got going there.

I know.

Let's drown them out.

13.73 billion years after the big bang...

...what happens? Well, the universe shrinks.

The universe gets hotter and hotter and hotter...

-Maggie. Can I ask you a question? -Yeah?

When's my one month anniversary present coming?

-That is my worst nightmare. -I know. Mine too.

That's what I like about you. It's simple. Just fun.

"Just fun"?

Yeah. It's great! I love it.

You're just a dumb bitch who asks for nothing.

What?

Oh, come on, Maggie. That turned you on a few hours ago.

It's fine.

Okay, I know it's not, but I'm choosing to ignore the subtext.

-Maggie, you have to talk to him. -No, you talk to him.

I'll stand with you, but I can't talk.

Okay, fine.

You look amazing, like, literally like a model.

So do you.

Hey, Dan.

-Who are you? -Maggie.

-How do you know my name? -We've met before.

-At Samuel's birthday party. -We haven't.

-We have. -I'd remember you.

-Really? -Yeah.

I'd definitely remember a lanky minger with no tits.

The call it Camden Breakfast, apparently...

Really? I have never heard of it.

-Yes. Specific to the region. -We should have it every day.

-Are you okay? -I'm fine, why?

-Didn't seem yourself last night. -You joking?

I was worried because you didn't seem like yourself.

-Really? Why? -You just seemed wiggy.

What? I was worried because you seemed wiggy.

Like how?

Like... you were acting like my cousin.

-Like Dennis? -No not my actual cousin, I mean...

You were acting so formal and proper with me, like...

we didn't know each other that well.

I was fine. Are you fine?

-I'm great. As long as you're okay. -Stop say...

-I'm fine. -Great.

Great.

Nathan's great. Such a good hosts.

Aw. You and Street are a great couple.

So full of beans.

Were you pissed with me opening The Vault?

Not at all.

Well, we should get going, we'll be late for Nell and Amara.

Oh, did I not say? I can't come.

-Why, what are you doing? -Watching Nathan play five-a-side.

-Hello! -Hey.

-Permission to open the vault. -Permission denied.

-Why? -You violated the rules.

-Like when?! -Like last time we opened it,

just the two of us and the next day Amara asks if it's true

I hate all white men who teach martial arts.

Come on, she normally keeps it to herself. That's not a vault thing.

Hi guys. So I see you're here on the Groupon deal,

which, as I'm sure you're aware, entitles you to one sandwich each,

but if you want to order anything else,

then you are welcome to...

pay the surplus...

-Just another round, I'm guessing. -Lovely, thank you.

He is peng.

I know.

Okay, Vault opened.

I hate The Beatles.

They bum me out. I will leave the room if someone plays them.

But I wish I could buy a flatpack of information about their music

and have someone assemble it in my brain,

so I'd know what to say when fit men talk about them.

I don't like Australian people.

If you wanna talk about Nathan, we can just talk about Nathan.

This has nothing to do with Nathan.

I wasn't thinking about him.

I just hate that because there's so much beach there,

they think they're like this... relaxed, horny country,

when they're not even that fun.

So you can surf, so what?

That doesn't replace having a personality.

And the way they go on about the weather like it's an achievement?

I think it's pathetic it's sunny there all the time.

It should be cold sometimes. Like, grow up and face reality maybe?

And the way they're always saying, "no worries, no worries."

Sometimes it is worries.

Sometimes it's good to be worried about things.

-You finished? -Yeah.

Here we are.

-You're dribbling. -He's so...

-It's him. -Oh my God!

What did I miss?

We couldn't see his photos on his profile, so we found his nan.

Does it say if he's single?

-Does it say where he lives? -Love his jacket.

Hey, I'm here about the damp.

Oh, yeah, in the kitchen just through here.

Do you mind if I leave you to it?

Our favourite programme's starting.

Yeah, it's fine.

-This is gonna be a good episode. -Me too.

I think Jade and Kyle might get back together.

Do you?

-I would fuck Kyle Kudos to pieces. -Same.

No way.

I know he's rank as a genre of person, but he is objectively buff.

You have to admit it. Look.

I just don't think I could be sexually intimate

with someone who thinks it's, like, a groovy vibe

to wear rosary beads and order a bottle of vodka

with a sparkler in it.

Maggie can you not talk shit about my man, please?

Hi.

As much as I enjoy spending my Saturday night

in a graduate house-share looking at damp, I'd like to get this sorted.

Thanks. How long's the stain been there?

Since we moved in. Just over a month ago.

Okay, I'll rent you a dehumidifier.

I don't want him to embarrass himself.

I know. That's the thing.

Yeah...

Well we are, because that's the only thing that gets rid of damp.

Eighty quid a week...

The same one we used at number 14...

Then they'll get off our backs...

Yeah? Well I'm about to do it now and I'm gonna use your card details.

So it doesn't matter if you agree with me, because you are not in...

-Cunt. -Was that our landlord?

Yeah. Ex-husband.

So what do you think of the new girl?

Like her.

Like her, but don't think she's a romantic interest.

What is she then?

Comic relief. She's like mustard.

You just want a bit on the side.

She's like a relish of the whole show.

To bring out the flavour of the sausage.

-Right. So who's the sausage? -Kyle, obviously.

-Do you work in TV? -She watches TV.

-I write about TV. -Where?

-My blog. -Depressing.

I make this show.

-You do not. -I do. I'm the executive producer.

We are obsessed with Heirs and Graces.

I can see that.

I've reviewed the past two series. Please could I send them to you?

I'd love for you to read them. And if you need anyone to do anything.

Make tea, send emails, brush Bohemia's hair.

I would love to do it. Anything. I can send you my CV.

Where are you working now?

-I work in sales. -What's your star sign?

-Virgo. -Rising?

-Gemini. -Moon?

Taurus! She's moon in Taurus.

Come into the offices on Monday?

-Yes! -Just for a chat.

Purple Turtle Productions. Late afternoon.

I'd love that.

The dehumidifier'll be here tomorrow, brats.

-Thank you. -What's your name?

-Maggie. -Roisin.

-See, incred? -Oh, for God's sake!

That has never ever happened ever before.

-She took a chance on me. -She didn't!

She called me kid!

-Molly? -No reception.

-Yep. -Yes, of course.

You can go through.

-Sorry. Is it just down...? -Yep, straight ahead.

So, I read your blog.

Your TV reviews are great.

Your observations really made me laugh.

-Thank you! -Some of that stuff though,

dates right back.

-I need to delete a load of it. -Hmm yeah. You should.

All those "girl about town feels a bit fat, wants a boyfriend" stories.

-Made me sad. -Yeah.

And sad not just to be a woman but like to be alive. Y'know?

I do know, yep.

-So tell me why you like this show. -Because it's real.

It's easy to slag these shows off,

but I think we're gonna look back on them in the future

and think they're kind of extraordinary.

Because they don't have an ending.

Their lives and relationships continue after directors shout cut.

Imagine finishing Casablanca,

and knowing a beautiful friendship really did just begin.

That those two guys are out there, somewhere in Morocco.

Little old men, propping up a bar.

Imagine how interested you'd be in that story.

Except not Casablanca because that film is so boring

I don't understand how a film...

Okay right.

I'll give you an episode of Heirs and Graces to story-produce

-we'll take it from there. -Really?

Yeah. I can't believe I'm doing this.

-Neither can I. -Start on Wednesday at 10.

-And don't come dressed like that. -Like what?

Like that, like the ex-wife of a French prime minister.

like an Anita Pallenberg drag act. Just, you know, come cazh.

It's Roisin.

Hi!

Guess what! What is this?

We're using the dehumidifier as a wind-machine, how did it go?

-She gave me the job! -Shut up! As what?

-A story producer! -What does that mean?

I don't even know!

Where's Birdy, I can't get hold of her?

-I think she's still at work. -We need to go dancing!

-We need to celebrate! -On a Monday?!

-Yes! -Oh, by the way.

Come see what arrived for Birdy today.

-Who's it from? -Who'd you think?

-He's not even that fit. -Do you think it's true?

Do you think people think I'm ugly?

No. You're beautiful.

I've never even thought that I might be ugly before.

But... maybe I am.

You're not.

Boys our age just don't get us, Maggie.

But one day they will.

-Will they? -Yes!

Stop crying. I want us to do the Macarena.

-The dance. -What?

-The routine. We should do it. -What about the boys?!

Who cares!

They couldn't pull either of us anyway.

Yeah. And we hate them anyway, don't we?

Yeah. We hate them.

-Hiya! -Hi.

-Hi. -This came for you.

Oh my God!

What does it say?

"Thank you for the best month of my life.

Here's to many more, love Nathan, two kisses."

-Sweet. -I just can't believe it!

Isn't he so cute?!

I'm just in shock! It's massive!

-Maggie's got some good news. -Yeah?

Yeah. I've been offered a job. Story Producer on Heirs and Graces.

Mags! You've got a job! In television!

You've been dreaming of this for years! Oh, I'm so proud of you!

-Get changed, we're going out. -Great, great.

-Where we gonna put it? -Not in here.

Subtitles: Lily Ray plint.com