Original subtitles

Hey! Hello!

Hi! Oh, my God! Hi!

Hi! How are you?

I'm good-- how are you? How are the kids?

Still just the one, Amelia, but she's great.

How are you?

I am good. Still doing the drive to Glendale.

Are you serious? The worst.

Yes! You look amazing.

You look amazing. How far along are you?

I am six months.

I'm just trying to keep it all together.

Wow! You are killing it. Thank you.

Hey, whatever happened with your school stuff?

Did you get it all figured out?

Oh, you mean Amelia's school stuff?

Yea--

You know what?

I thought you were someone else.

Oh, my God, thank God you said that.

I literally had no idea who you were.

I am so-- No, I'm so-- oh!

Okay. But it was pleasant to meet you.

Yes. Have a nice... day.

Well, thank you for the hug, by the way.

*

So, I am officially a free woman this weekend.

Oh, yeah? Mike finally left you, huh?

No, sorry, put your dick away.

Is my dick out? Yeah.

What the [bleep]?

I am not a single woman, I'm just single this weekend.

Oh, rest assured, if you were a single woman...

Yeah. ...my dick could not be less enthused by that news.

Hmm... I can make it listen to the news.

Mike has to go out of town with clients on Saturday

and it happens to coincide with Amelia's Grammy vacation, so...

Oh, no! She's blowing off the Grammy's this year?

[chuckling] Granny vacation.

This is going to be the first time

that I've been alone in my home since Amelia was born.

[vocalizing sexy song] * Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba...

* Unh-unh, unh-unh, unh unh

I don't know what you're so excited about.

I'm alone all the time, it sucks. Don't marsh my mellow.

I'd rather you not do that. Really? Yeah.

Ooh, you know what? It's Lon Wagner's birthday

on Saturday night if you want to come with me.

Lon's birthday? Yeah.

Why wasn't I invited in the first place?

Oh, uh, you have a kid, so you're dead to everybody.

I have one child. I leave the house.

This stuff's happening all the time, isn't it?

Yeah, absolutely.

We do brunch every Sunday, we have game nights.

Oh, what? We did a ski vacation

this winter, although we did very little skiing,

we mostly just drank and partied.

I love all of those things.

I still want to be part of the group.

Oh, no, not interested.

I hate you. What time on Saturday?

9:30. 9:30?

Yeah, that's very early. Your reaction is too big.

Normally I would tell you to go [bleep] yourself,

but I can sleep in on Sunday,

so maybe just make love to yourself.

I feel bad for this guy, you know?

Yeah, it's not as cut and dried as it appears.

What does that mean?

He only ever asks women to help him,

and then he rubs up on them.

I have seen him get major side boob.

The guy is a perv. The guy just needs

to go to the bathroom, Andrea. Really?

I'm sure he just needs somebody to help him.

Okay, well, he's looking for a friend right now.

Why don't you offer to help him?

Okay, sure. Here we go.

Hey, excuse me, do you need help finding the bathroom?

I'm good. You sure?

I'm headed that way. Happy to help you.

No, thanks.

Oh, I'm on my way there, I can show you the way.

Okay, thank you very much.

I got turned around. Take your time, here we go.

Yeah, let's go slow.

Did you see that?

This guy's a straight up sexual predator.

Yes! Thank you! Whoa!

That's what I'm saying. I'm not saying he's not blind,

but he is definitely taking advantage

of women's maternal instincts to cop a feel.

I'm starting to see why Garbage Woman refused to help him.

I'm starting to think Garbage Woman might just be... a woman.

And we can't even say anything because he's handicapped

because then we look like the assholes.

I mean, he's really making lemonade out of these lemons.

I would say he's kind of making...

lemonade out of melons?

Yeah, 'cause, like, he's coppin' boob feels

and boobs are sometimes called melons.

Jokes are always better when they need to be explained.

Explained... you're right. You're right.

[growling playful kisses] Ooh, I'm gonna miss you so much!

You're gonna turn into a lollipop by the time Grammy

gets done with you and all her treats.

And you are gonna turn into a Courtyard Marriott

from all the rooms you're gonna stay in...

[growling playful kisses] Okay, all right.

I'm comfortable with separate but equal.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Okay, well, why don't you tell that to Rosa Parks,

see what she thinks.

You wouldn't kiss her like that.

Yeah, I would, but I would just add kind of like a reach-around.

Hey!

What time's your flight? Ten.

All right. Hey, buddy.

Oh, no, you caught me!

I'm-- I'm sorry?

Shorts again. Right, yeah, well,

that's your thing, shorts. Yep.

I like shorts.

Okay, I cannot do this anymore,

I literally cannot say the word "shorts" again.

How hard is it to say "shorts"?

Surprisingly hard.

Do you know that sometimes I see him out there,

I hide in our house to avoid

some sort of chance chat about shorts?

I am now officially a prisoner in my own home, okay?

We may have to move. Mommy, if you don't like

something that someone is saying, you should tell them.

You know what?

That is totally right.

I should think about that, I'll think about that next time.

You're a smart lady. All right, be good for Grammy.

Actually, what do I care? Be a maniac.

Call me when you land. Enjoy your weekend alone.

It does feel a little weird

to being left here without you guys.

Well, you can still come with me if you want.

No, no, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.

I need to get comfortable with being alone,

you're not gonna be around forever.

You say that right before I get on a plane, huh?

I just-- I want you to know that I'm gonna be okay.

I know you're worried about that.

I'll be totally fine if you die.

Bye!

Bye, Smooch!

[birds chirping]

*

[doorbell rings]

[phone buzzing]

Hello?

[Mike on phone] Hi.

Hi.

Sounds like you had a good day.

Oh... I had a great day.

Yeah? Get everything you wanted to get done?

Not only did I get it all done,

most of it was achieved pants-less.

Oh, wow, tell me more about how you spent the day naked.

Oh, no, no, no, not naked, dressed on top.

Just pants-less...

sometimes with a shoe.

That's weird. Yeah, very weird.

Well, that just seems uncomfortable and unhygienic.

We have leather furniture. We sure do.

It was a little like duct tape on a carpet.

What? You got it.

Unfortunately, I think I might've got it,

and I'm grossed out. Yeah, then you got it.

What time's Lon's party? [groaning] 9:30.

Did you know that a lot of my old friends

have a very active social life that I am not party to

just because I spawned a child? Yeah, well,

most of them aren't married, they don't have kids,

they don't have obligations, so, you know,

they hang out. Yeah, but I can hang out

some of the time. Right, tonight.

Oh, yeah, I anticipate it being a very late night.

You're not driving, are you?

No, Ub City.

Sorry? I was just saying

"Uber" in an adorable way. Oh, got it.

Bye. Bye.

Siri, text Kyle.

[phone beeps]

Waiting for Ub City, comma, on my way, exclamation mark.

Poop emoji.

[phone dings] Caught me again.

Nighttime shorts. Oh, my...

I'm gonna be honest, they look a lot like your daytime shorts.

Because they're the same shorts.

[laughs] You know what I realized?

I, actually, I don't even know your name.

I'm Andrea.

Oh, it's Sandy.

Really?

Oh, yeah, it's terrible, just call me Shorts Guy.

You know what, that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about.

I was thinking-- and I'm sure you would agree with me--

that maybe we have... run the shorts bit into the ground.

Oh, uh, I thought that was sort of our thing.

Oh... it has been our thing, and it's been fun.

I just was thinking, you know, to be honest,

one grownup to another...

It was starting to just get to be a lot.

Is it really that hard to say "shorts"?

It felt hard?

But now... less so.

That's actually my Uber, um...

Not great timing, I apologize.

Anyway, Sandy, so nice to meet you,

officially, and, you know what?

We'll continue this and, um, have a great night and--

whatever you're doing.

I'm going to Baskin-Robbins.

I love ice cream.

Again, I'm, I'm...

You're great-- bye!

[Andrea] I feel like I'm at one with my neighbors

when I'm on the NextDoor website.

Yo! There we go.

I am obsessed with NextDoor. Three.

That's good, all right, I'll take that.

It's like everybody on there is missing a dog.

I'm convinced there's a dog serial killer

in my neighborhood.

My NextDoor is all "Mysterious Men in Hoodies".

Oh, yeah, on mine there was poor, sad woman

who was looking for a gynecologist recommendation.

No! No!

Yeah, she literally had no one to talk to

except an open neighborhood forum.

Save that shit for Yelp.

Uh, I, I have to say-- I found my gynecologist on Trip Advisor.

Last night I reached out to my neighbor, Rose L., in need,

and let her know that I was recommending

my gynecologist, Dr. Sapkin.

Ugh. You're pronouncing that wrong.

I think it's... [whining] "Sap-kin".

Dr. Sapkin, I have a discharge.

The a problem with your vulva is a distension.

None of you know Dr. Sapkin.

Dr. Sapkin? Poor Dr. Sapkin.

Dr. Sapkin has a very sensual touch.

Oh, really? You can't even tell if Dr. Sapkin is wearing gloves.

That's not a good sign. That's-- yeah!

I got two! Two!

Whoo! Whoa!

That's 12, that's the highest.

That means Corinne, you get to dare him.

Okay, yeah, oh, shit... Come on.

I'm not good at thinking of good dares.

I got-- do you mind? I have one.

Okay. All right, Kyle...

you can keep your underwear on--

let me rephrase that-- you have to keep your underwear on.

You gotta put on Corinne's tights and then pull them up

as high as you can-- take your top off, go in the other room,

come back, give all of us heartfelt compliments.

Oh, that's a nice one.

I feel like this is more like a dare for me.

Quality time in the other room will be exciting.

Am I allowed to sniff them before I put them on?

Yes, that's part of the dare. Cool.

And then you have to guess what she had for breakfast.

You see, this is what we miss.

We miss this unadulterated vulgarity

when you're not around.

Well, then why did you ass-cocks stop inviting me to stuff?

Uh, because you're a mom, you got babies

and you gotta change diapers, right?

My child is five.

Wow, you have an old baby.

Old baby? And by the way, just because I have a baby,

it's not a disease, okay?

I mean, yes, obviously I have genital herpes,

but that is not gonna keep me from events

like celebrating Lon getting closer to death.

Well, we are gonna go to Vegas next week

and see Beatles' "Love" for the tenth time-- do you wanna come?

It's better every time. Bring your herpes.

You guys, that's where my herpes was born.

Ohh... Ohh...

And to see what a beautiful herpes it's grown up to become.

Oh, my... you saw this?

I could say I don't even notice it.

Just invite me to shit.

I'll add you to the text chain. Thank you.

Oh, here we go. [laughing]

By the way, I'm a little aroused.

Now, for some compliments. All right.

Todd, fella, you always bring a smile to everyone's face.

Corinne, your hair looks done, but not over-done or too done.

You look beautiful. Thank you.

Lon, you smell so nice.

Sometimes when I get home my shirts still smell like you

and it makes me happy. Sandalwood.

Nice.

Andrea... Andrea, you're a monster,

a horrible, horrible monster,

and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

The heart behind that sort of exposed areola?

No, the heart that is my butthole.

[all singing] * Show us your heart butthole

[Andrea] You know what they say,

if you show enough people your demo tape, it's, it's all right.

Great, thanks, this is me.

Well, thank you so much. Have a great night.

[metallic clatter to ground] Oh, shit.

Are you okay? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh,

I think I just...

I think I just dropped something.

I don't think it's anything important.

You know what, I think it was just a lipstick, I'm good.

It sounded like a key.

You know what, it, it act-- it did sound a little like a key.

Um, either way, my husband, you know what,

he's home, so he'll let me in.

So I'm all good, thanks.

Do you think your husband's up this late?

Uh, if he's not up, then my son, Alan, will definitely be up.

He's an archer, he's in archery and...

Archery? You know, evidently he can shoot pretty far, like 200 meters.

People say he should be a sniper,

but it's not even like...

not the world I want my son to live in, but um,

you know what, thank you so much,

I had such a good night.

You're welcome. And good luck with all the music stuff.

You're great. Okay, well,

have a good night.

[beeping]

[siren wailing]

Jesus! [bleep]

[beeping]

[phone ringing] Come on.

[beep] Hello?

Hello, this is BPA Security calling in response

to an alarm at this address.

Is everything okay? Yes, I accidentally set it off.

I put the code in, it's not taking it.

Okay, we can help you with that. I just need your password.

Shit! Um, I mean, the password obviously is not "shit".

It's um, oh, it's my mom's maiden name, Caputo!

No, I'm sorry.

Oh, my brother set it up, it's his lizard growing up, Leonardo.

No. Michelangelo?

Closer but no. "Closer"?

I know it's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle,

what's the other one?

The one that starts with an R.

Ruh, Ruh... R...

Raph... Raphael!

Raphael! Raphael! It's Raphael!

Yes, that is the correct password,

please make a note of it.

[siren stops, Andrea sighs]

Oh, my God, thank God.

I have no idea why it even went off.

Well, you have to bypass the motion sensors

while you're at home now.

Oh, okay, how do I do that?

I'm afraid you're going to have to talk to tech support.

Oh, great, can you connect me?

I can, during regular business hours.

Okay, well, I'll be dead by then, so, um,

thank you so much for your help.

Okay, have a good night. You too.

[sighing]

[beep, phone ringing]

Hey, what's up? Hey, are you busy? Sorry.

Nah, give it to me.

Uh, so, I was getting out of my Uber tonight

and I may have accidentally dropped my key in his backseat,

but I don't have anything to worry about, right?

You 100% need to worry-- you are about to be murdered.

Kyle, seriously, don't say that.

The guy knows where you live, Andrea.

He's got the key to your house, he knows that you're weak,

he saw your body and knows you have no muscle mass,

he knows you're alone.

You're [bleep]. First of all, he doesn't know

I'm alone, okay? Because I did a whole thing

where I made it seem like Mike was home and my grown son,

Alan, who is heavily into archery.

First of all, he didn't believe any of that.

You're a terrible, terrible actor.

You didn't see the performance.

I don't have to have seen the performance,

I've seen you try and act before.

It's awful! I played it very subtly, okay?

Where are you, like, right now?

I'm outside. I'm just looking to see

if maybe, like, the key dropped on the ground or something.

You're outside!

Oh, my God, what are you doing?

You're just there presenting yourself.

This is not funny, Kyle,

I'm actually really freaked out right now.

I left my key in a stranger's car.

Fine, if you want, I can come over there

to help you avoid getting murdered.

Yes, please, that would be very nice, thank you.

Who's getting murdered?

[grunts] My friend Andrea.

Are you with a girl? Uh, yeah, why?

Oh, my God, Kyle, that is so rude!

Why would you pick up the phone if you're there with a girl?

No, I mean, we were done... first round.

You're not leaving your date there alone, Kyle.

She took an Uber, so I can get her an Uber back.

Hey, maybe your key will be in the Uber, wouldn't that be cool?

That's a movie.

Okay, she's hungry.

We're gonna go get some late night grub,

if you know what I mean.

Yes, I know what you mean because you've said it clearly,

it's not a double entendre.

If you need anything, I'm here, though, okay?

Bye.

[dog barking]

Dear NextDoor Valley Glen, comma.

It's four A, period, M, period, and I am very scared

to be alone in my house, exclamation mark.

I left my housekey in the back of an Uber driven by Rob

in a Toyota Tercel, comma.

I just want someone to know what has happened

in case I do not make it through the night,

ellipsis, exclamation mark.

Exclamation mark.

[beep]

[birds chirping]

[screaming] Ahh!

Jesus Christ! It's me! It's me!

Jesus! It's me.

I called you 15 times last night!

Why did you not call me back?

What were you doing? I was sleeping.

You were calling me from two to five in the morning.

Right, right, oh, [bleep].

What did you think happened to me?

Honestly, I thought you were dead, okay?

I thought I was now a single mother, raising our child alone.

Not for one second did you think I was having an affair?

No.

I know I joke a lot about you not being around forever,

but, I mean, I'll be honest,

I thought I had a few more years of us together.

Thanks. I slept in my contacts.

Ah, there. Well, I guess Uber driver

didn't show up, so we're both still alive.

Or Rob is just really smart and knows better

than to come back the same day he gets my key.

Who's Rob? The Uber driver.

Oh. Just 'cause Rob didn't come back

last night doesn't mean he's not coming back.

He's probably just biding his time until we become complacent,

or he probably sold it on the black market to, you know,

for thousands of dollars, and now the person

who's actually coming to get us,

we don't even know what they look like,

or he made a replica of our key--

the point is, there is legitimately not a world

where we will ever feel safe in this house again.

Or we could just change the locks, which is like 60 bucks.

Okay, I mean, yeah, I guess we can do that.

I mean, you know, if you want to be a pussy about it.

Yeah, mom, we'll be there very soon, okay?

My mom said that Amelia only slept four hours last night

and is currently crying over the concept of wind.

[text alerts beeping]

You are blowing up. What's going on?

Oh, it's just everyone from last night

had brunch together this morning.

I was supposed to be there. Bummed I missed it.

It's nice they're including you.

Well, I kind of told them they had to,

so it wasn't really that nice.

That tracks. But we're all having drinks

on Wednesday night, so that will be fun.

Probably just go after I put Amelia to bed.

Oh, shit, I forgot that I have to do pajama day

early on Thursday morning at Amelia's school.

Ugh, maybe I can't do that on Wednesday then.

[text alerts beeping]

Now they're all heading to Todd's house

to hang by the pool for the day.

I don't think I'm making that.

[text alerts beeping]

Oh, you're shitting me!

How do they live like this?

Oh, do I want to see a movie at nine?

Yeah, I would love to, except it's Sunday night and it's nine.

[doorbell rings, text alerts continue]

Who is it? It's Adam from down the street.

Adam, what's going on?

Nothing much, I'm just checking in on you-- are you good?

Yeah, I'm good. Great.

Hey, Andrea.

Hi, Adam, how are you? I'm good.

Well, you sounded pretty scared last night.

Glad you're okay.

I'll see you around.

Okay, thanks.

What the hell is that?

Well, when you refused to call me back last night,

I may have posted a slightly worried message on NextDoor...

Okay.

...as you. Oh, my God, you posted as me?

Why? Well, because when I signed up,

I didn't want to register under my name because I'm Google-able.

Well, so am I. True...

But I will say, I think this is actually

going to be good for you

because people really respond to your vulnerable side.

Oh, boy. Because you really a lot of times

put on sort of a very...

...not cold exterior... Okay, oh, my God.

...but just sort of hard to break through.

What did "I" say?

You were just scared to be alone in the house.

I will admit you used quite a few exclamation marks.

Did I in any way come across

like I could handle the situation?

You did not think you would live through the night.

But you have contributed a lot of other good things

to the site, I promise.

Just the other day you recommended

a fabulous gynecologist,

so you're doing good stuff.

I look forward to never talking to our neighbors again.

Well, they're still cool with me,

so I'll keep you in the loop.

I think we should keep the act break

at the bottom of nine still.

Sure, sounds good. [text alerts beeping]

[laughing]

[text alerts beeping]

Did you mute the text chain?

No.

Busted.

Okay, you... you don't need...

No... [mock laughs] you don't need to look so smug.

Yes, I got off a text chain.

You didn't find Osama Bin Laden.

No, of course I didn't, it's 2017,

they found him many years ago. I know.

You're dumb, your face the dumb, I win.

Listen, I had to get off the text chain

because it was making me feel shitty

knowing you guys were constantly having fun.

I realized that I am very comfortable really living

in a bubble where I believe that everybody's given up brunch,

that just sits in me well.

The good news is we can talk about you now.

Oh, can we also talk about the 42 texts about a brunch?

That, that is crazy.

How do you guys get anything else done?

We don't. Okay, now it's all coming together.

Let me get a refill. You need anything?

Yeah, I'll take a refill, thank you.

[cane clicking]

Excuse me, do you know where the bathroom is?

Excuse me?

I can help you.

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, your skin is so soft.

Are you young?

Um, yeah.

Thanks.

I know that probably didn't look great, but--

Yeah, welcome to being a Garbage Person.

That's fair. I'll take that.

I didn't know that you heard, heard that part.

I did.

Someone should say something.

Someone should.

I'm probably not going to be the person who says something.

I probably won't either.

Got everything? I think so.

Oh, there's your buddy.

Oh, hey, Sandy! Good morning.

How are you?

Oh, my God! Pants! Pants.

We don't have to do this.

Okay.

That was tough to watch. Yeah.