All language subtitles for The Good Place - 03x09 - Janet(s).S03E10.HDTV.x264-SVA.English.HI.C.updated.Addic7ed.com

[soft beep]

Wow! Ho-ho!

Oh, Janet, you did it!
You brought us into your void.

If I had a heart, it would be pounding.

- Michael...
- You know, you'd think

there'd be side effects,
but I feel great.

How's the hair? Is it still amazing?

Michael, there may have been
some side effects

for the humans.

Huh.

Dude, why are there so many Janets?

And why do I sound like Janet?

You also look like Janet. Do I?

Why? What? What is happening?

[groans]

Oh, no, am I...

wearing a vest?

Ooh, Michael, help me!

This is going to be tricky.
How do we even tell them apart?

Oh!

[laughs]

Okay, that one's Jason.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

[bright music]

I can't put the humans
back in their own bodies,

so I've done the next best, but
still not that great, thing.

A high-neck sleeveless?

- I suppose this outfit will do?
- [sarcastically] Are you sure?

I mean, wearing a floral print
to an infinite void

at this time of the nothing?

So where are we exactly?
We're not on Earth, right?

That's correct, Chidi-Janet. You're not.

Your real bodies dematerialized
when you entered my void,

and your essences reconstituted
themselves in this form.

Cool, cool. And when you say "void"...

Oh, I mean a sub-dimension
outside of space and time

at the nexus of consciousness and matter

tethered to my essence.

Does that help?

It does not help. It makes it way worse.

I just want to lie down.

Where is down?

I found it. It's up here. It's dope.

I have an idea.

- [soft beep]
- Sweet. I call sofa.

Janet's void has a back door

to the Janet warehouse
in the Neutral Zone,

which is right near Accounting.

You four will stay here

while Actual Janet and I
sneak through it

and find the Head Accountant.

But, Michael, why can't we go with you?

Well, you just died, which means you're

the first humans in history
to not immediately go

to the Good or Bad Place,
which, in turn,

makes you inter-dimensional fugitives.

So that's neat.

Also, the Judge is probably
still pissed at me

for, you know, breaking all the rules,

and she might take it out on you.

Plus, the Bad Place
is probably hunting for us,

so, literally, the entire
universe is against you.

Okay, but what's a fourth
really good reason?

Jeez, just trying to lighten
the mood... tough void.

Now, Janet and I will pose
as Good Place employees

and sweet-talk the Accountant
into showing us his books.

If I'm right, we will find proof

that the Bad Place is tampering
with the point system.

The Accountant will tell us what to do,

and this will all be over.

We're almost at the end, guys.

Just stay here,
keep Janet's heads on straight.

- Bye.
- [soft beep]

[tense music]

Is that a Good Janet or a Bad Janet?

That's a Neutral Janet.

She's sort of the black sheep
of the Janet world.

Or blank sheep, I guess.

Ooh, I can throw shade now. That's cool.

You've arrived at the Accounting Office.

All point calculations

for actions taken on Earth
are made here.

- End of conversation.
- My name is Michael.

I need to speak with the Head Accountant

on official Good Place business.

I will inform the Head Accountant

of your presence, and he either
will or will not see you

in a certain amount of time...
end of conversation.

Wow.

♪ ♪

Good thing your void plan
worked out, huh?

[sighs, burps]

[auto-tuned burp]

♪ Believe in life after love? ♪

Oh, having four humans
in my void is weird.

♪ ♪

This is nuts.

We're in a void
in the body of a white lady.

- Not a lady.
- Not a lady, darling.

Well, we are white.

Let's all say white people things!

Billy Joel. I found it on Etsy.

There was nowhere to park.
Did you refill the Brita?

I find this void
quite calming, actually.

It's like, this time, the Xanax took me.

Oh, I have the worst stomachache.

Dude, relax.

Here, let me see
if I can figure this out.

[soft beep]

Oh, wow, Eleanor! How'd you do that?

I don't know. We're Janets now.

So I thought we'd have
some bitchin' Janet powers.

What just happened? What did you do?

Sorry, I'm just trying
to help Chidi calm down...

The structural integrity of
this void is already at risk.

You can't start randomly
conjuring up objects,

or it might shatter the void.

Yes, it might.

It might make everything blow up,

and we'll all disappear forever.

Mwah. So stop it!

[soft beep]

[tense music]

[soft beep]

Everything okay?

- Nope.
- Well...

The Head Accountant
has decided to see you.

This will happen now.
End of conversation.

Hi.

Hey-o!

[chuckles] There they are.
Good to see you.

Sorry to keep you waiting.
I'm Neil, Head Accountant.

- You must be Janet and Michael?
- Yes.

[chuckles] Can I just say,
I really depreciate you coming.

Huh? A little bit of accounting humor.

- Ah.
- Yeah.

- So what can I do for you?
- Well, I'm concerned

about certain anomalies
in the point system.

I'm worried that, somehow,

the Bad Place has been tampering.

Tampering? No, no, no.

Quite impossible. Laughable, really.

Janet, can you remind me
to laugh at that later?

Your amusement has been scheduled.

End of conversation.

She's a lot of fun.

Could you just humor us, though?

Show us how the system works?

Uh, well, I suppose I could
give you a quick tour.

We don't get a lot of visitors.
Follow me.

Eleanor, how'd you know

I always wanted a dog like this?

Funny story, it's one of the things

I saw in the alternate timeline,

where we were soul mates
on and off for 300 years.

Maybe we should talk about that?

Well, I suppose we can,

but there's not that much to talk about.

The things you saw
weren't part of my life,

so they didn't happen to me.

What the hell
are you talking about, man?

Of course it was you. I saw it.

Well, it was a Chidi, sure,
but it wasn't me Chidi.

This is a classic
philosophical question.

The concept of the self, or who we are.

Philosophically speaking,

there's the Chidi I am,
who lived a certain life,

and there's the Chidi you saw...

your soul mate or whatever,

who had some entirely different life.

- They're not the same Chidis.
- [scoffs]

I'm so sorry. Yeah, no, I get it.

Counterpoint... that's the
dumbest thing you've ever said,

and you do not deserve a puppy!

I'm un-blooping your puppy!

- [soft beep]
- [grunts]

- [puppies barking]
- Things are getting cuter,

and I want them to get less cute!

[bright music]

So this is the main feed.

Every action by every human
on Earth is recorded

and then sent here
to be assigned a point value

based on the absolute
moral worth of that action.

For example, a couple in Osaka, Japan,

just decided to have
a destination wedding.

Negative 1,200 points.

Oh, and it's
a destination theme wedding.

Negative 4,300.

The theme's "Lord of the Rings."

They're basically doomed.

Ah, here's one.

This means that someone
has just done something

which has never been done before.

"Richard Moore of Sugarland, Texas,

"hollowed out an eggplant

and filled it
with hot sauce and nickels."

And amazingly,
it's not a weird sex thing.

99% of all new human behaviors
are weird sex things.

But not in this... oh, no,
it is a weird sex thing, yeah.

Well, then we zip that over
to the relevant departments.

In this case, Anastasia in the
Stuffed Vegetable Department.

We've got Hector over in American Coins,

and my dear buddy, Matt,
in Weird Sex Things.

I'm still waiting on a
response to the request I filed

for immediate suicide.

Request denied.

I love Matty. He's hilarious.

So they now examine the action...

its use of resources,
the intentions behind it,

its effects on others.

Correct. And you end up with this.

And here is why tampering
is impossible...

because this score
is then double-checked

by 3 billion other accountants,
all chosen at random,

and if they all come
to the same conclusion,

which they always do,
it makes this official.

Anyone who does this same action

in the exact same way
loses this many points.

When people die,
their biographical history

and final point totals are sent
to the relevant destination.

This batch is going to the Bad Place.

Thank you, Doris.

[whooshing]

The system is flawless, and
tampering is quite impossible.

I see. Could we look at one

specific file, though,
just to make sure?

Oh, who do you want to see...

Genghis Khan, Marie Antoinette?

Walt Disney's got some
freaky stuff in his file.

Doug Forcett.

I don't get this, man.

Why wouldn't you want to know
what our life was like?

You're not even a little bit
curious what it was like

to hit this?

I don't mean this this.

Although, frankly,
I would also hit this this.

I don't want to see those memories

because, philosophically speaking,

they're none of my business.

They happened to someone else.

Let me explain.

- [soft beep]
- Take a seat.

Conceptions of the self.

Let's start with John Locke,
who believed

that personal identity was based

on having a continued consciousness...

essentially, memory.

Memories are links in a chain

that together form a single self.

If I can't remember what happened

because it happened to a Chidi
from another timeline,

it's not a unified me.

Just because you don't
remember doing something

doesn't mean you didn't do it.

I have no idea how it happened,

but there is definitely
a tattoo on my butt

that says "Jasom."

That brings us to Derek Parfit.

- It does?
- Parfit said

even if I have memories
from an earlier time,

that doesn't necessarily mean it was me.

After all, if my brain was split in two

and each half was put
in a different person,

which one is me?

All I know is that other Chidi

doesn't exist anymore,
and this one does.

So this must be the real Chidi.

And all I know is that you're just

barfing Wikipedia all over everyone

to avoid talking about your feelings.

Let's talk about David Hume.

[Neil humming]

Here we go, the Book of Dougs.

Let's have a look.

Doug Forbush, Doug Forcap...

Doug L. Forcett.

Hey, no peeking. Accountants only.

Can you just tell me his total so far?

Looks like he's at 520,000 points.

- Well done, Doug.
- So that's... that's good?

Oh, it's excellent.

Wait, he's 68 years old?

Oh, that's terrible. He's screwed.

I knew it!

Doug has spent his entire life
being nothing but good.

He once found a dollar on the ground,

and he sent it
to the Canadian government

to help pay down their national debt.

And he isn't even close to getting in?

How can that be?

Look, mate, the points are indisputable.

They have been since the beginning.

"Og Gives His Rock to Grog."

First ever act of human altruism.

Og earned 10,000 points that day.

Of course, then Grog used that rock

to beat Og's brains in
and lost a million points.

The point is, the math is
cold, objective, and airtight,

and unless you can prove otherwise,

I don't know how I can help you.

I just got 700 new Weird Sex Thing files

in the last one second.

Oh, yeah, Burning Man just started.

Buckle up, Matty.
It's going to be a long week.

[soft music]

So, in essence, Hume thought

that we don't truly have a self.

We're just a bundle of our
ever-changing impressions.

Just admit it, man. You're embarrassed

you fell in love
with an Arizona trash bag.

Eleanor, it's not personal.

Someone fell in love with you.

- It's just not me.
- [soft beep]

I told you not to conjure anything.

Sorry, I-I just swapped the
living room for a classroom.

Not you, him.

- Jason, what is wrong with you?
- Sorry, Janet.

I didn't mean to conjure Pillboi.

I was just thinking about
how much fun we used to have

hanging out in his broken hot tub,

and then he showed up,

Yeah, I was just chilling,
being nothing,

and then all of a sudden, I was.

- Oh!
- [chuckles]

Good-bye, Pillboi.

Aw, dip. I'm not again!

- [soft beep]
- Oh.

You need to hurry.

My molecular essence is fragmenting,

and it's giving me the worst headache.

Okay, here's a question.

If Doug Forcett's
not getting in, who is?

Let's look at one more file...

someone who... who's gotten
into the Good Place this year.

All right, why don't we look at...

No one. No one got in.

- No one's gotten in for a year?
- Correct.

How about the last three years?

All right, uh, boo-doo-doo...

[tense music]

Uh, no one.

When was the last time someone got in?

The last time someone got enough points

to get into the Good Place was...

521 years ago.

Michael, um...

Yo, homey.

You and Eleanor were fighting before,

and I couldn't help but overhear.

Hey, if we hear with our ears,

why is it called "butt overhearing"?

Bro, if you don't like her,
you should just tell her.

[sighs] It's not
about whether I like Eleanor.

I got into philosophy
to try to make sense

of a world that almost
never makes sense.

And that was before I learned
that I died

and then un-died and then re-died.

I just can't take one more thing.

It's too much.

I'm going to tell you a story.

Back in Jacksonville, there was this guy

in my 80-person dance crew
named Stank Toby.

Hang on. It was a 60-person dance crew.

Um...

Oh, dip! What are numbers?

You're not Jason-Janet.

You're Eleanor-Janet
pretending to be Jason-Janet.

That is so wrong and so confusing!

What was I supposed to do, man?

You wouldn't talk to me.

This seemed like the only option.

[high-pitched voice]
Hi, Chidi, I'm Eleanor.

I'm Arizona shrimp horny.

That's not what I sound like, Jason.

- Get out of here.
- Oh, dip.

[soft beep]

Look, you know what? Just forget it.

What am I even doing?

I'm... I'm chasing a dude
who isn't into me.

I'm making myself vulnerable
for no reason.

I don't even know who I am anymore!

[soft beep]

Uh-oh. This is new.

I'm so annoyed at myself.

Gah! Stupid, Eleanor! Stupid!

This whole thing sucks, you know?

Eleanor, you... you're not...

The one thing I never wanted to do,

ever, for any reason,
was to follow some guy around

like a lame puppy dog!

I mean, look at me.
I don't need to do that.

I can get any guy I want.

- Eleanor, just hang on.
- What, dude, what?

- What do you want?
- What is going on?

- [soft beep]
- Okay, well, this is bad.

Why are you staring at me?

Do I have a zit on my nose or something?

Your sense of self is crumbling,

and it's taking the void down with it.

Great. So I don't feel
like myself for two seconds,

and it breaks the universe?

How come nothing went wrong
when Chidi freaked out

about his identity for three hours?

Because freaking out about
everything is my identity.

Not to brag.

I need you to hold it together.

Try to do something Eleanor-y.

Laugh at someone who falls down,

or show up to an event under-dressed

and get mad at everyone else somehow.

I'll be right back.

[soft beep]

[loud crash, crumbling]

I know I asked you this before, but...

No, darling, this is not
where the Mac and PC guys live.

Whoa! Check out this dope flat-screen!

It's air-mounted!
Do you see this, Tahani?

This must be where Janet
stores all her information.

This screen can literally show us

anything that has ever happened.

Cartoons, cartoons!

I think it's broken.

TV, play cartoons for Jason!

[upbeat pop music playing]

Oh, my. Janet has a crush on you.

I'm sorry.

It's not just a crush.

I think in one of the reboots,
you and Janet were married.

Whoa, married?

Oh.

This flat-screen must have been
a wedding present.

It's all starting to make sense now.

Well, I've got to run.

We're having a little thing
in the break room

for Marisol's birthday.

She turning 39,000,000... again.

So, if there's nothing else...

"If there's nothing else"?

Neil, be logical.

Not one Good Place resident
in over 500 years?

Not Jonas Salk? Not Harriet Tubman?

Not one single Golden Girl?

The Bad Place has hacked your system!

No, it hasn't. How dare you?

Frankly, I'm beginning
to resent your tone, sir.

If you've got a problem,
then go to the Good Place

and take it up with the Committee.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to get to the break room,

because there's cake over there,

and if I don't move quickly,

Erika will get the last corner piece.

Good day, sir!

No, no, no. This can't be happening.

No, he was supposed
to tell us what to do.

If he's not going to fix this, who is?

- You, Michael.
- [groans softly]

It has to be you.

We keep wandering around
these different realms

expecting someone else
to have the answer,

but no one ever does.

You're the guy, Michael.

You're the only one who can fix

whatever's wrong with the afterlife.

But before we get into that,

Eleanor's identity is
shattering inside of my void,

and I might blow up.

So I'm going to need you
to grab a paper clip

and marbleize me, like, yesterday.

What's going to happen to the humans?

No idea, but I can't
take them out of my void

in the middle of this office.

And if we do nothing,
everyone's gone-zo.

Marbleize me, get us somewhere
safe, and bring me back.

Right, a paper clip!
I need a paper clip!

Hey, Matt. Do you have a paper clip?

What are you going to use it for?

- Chidi, I'm scared.
- I know.

What am I supposed to be
doing right now?

I don't remember.

I'm having a hard time remembering.

Right.

Memories, you need
to remember who you are.

You're Eleanor Shellstrop
from Phoenix, Arizona.

Your favorite meal is shrimp scampi.

You listed your emergency
contact as Britney Spears

as a long-shot way of meeting her,

and your favorite movie is that clip

of John Travolta saying "Adele Dazeem."

You flew halfway around the world

because you wanted to be
a better person,

and it was very brave.

You're sharp, and you're strong.

You make fun of me a lot.

You once called me
a human snooze button.

but you also showed up in my classroom

when I was drowning in despair
and canned chili,

and you basically saved my life.

You have very high self-esteem,

and a very low tolerance
for men who wear sandals,

and your worst nightmare

is someone saying something
nice about you to your face,

but too bad because I need to say it

because you deserve it.

- Because... because...
- Chidi...

[soft music]

♪ ♪

[both exhale deeply]

[chuckles]

Nice work, bud.

Did you mean everything you said,

or did you just say it
because the world was ending?

I really want to play this cool,

but I'm afraid that I'm going to ruin it

if I try to be sexy.

I already ruined it.

Um, saying the word "sexy"
is not sexy...

♪ ♪

- Wait!
- Ooh!

I'm okay.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm okay.

- Wait. Uh-oh. Ooh.
- What?

They're not Janets anymore.

They're them,
and they're not sitting well.

[exhales deeply] Incoming.

[whooshing]

♪ ♪

They're all here, and they're safe...

[alarm blaring]

From the old scary thing.

Now there's a new scary thing.

Hi, guys, I'm Neil.
Welcome to Accounting.

Now, it does seem that four of you

are inter-dimensional fugitives,

so I did go ahead and hit
the alarm... sorry about that.

But there is some good news.

- There's some cake left.
- Yes!

Michael, what are we going to do?

Guys, I'm so sorry.

- The Accountant was no help.
- Rude.

No one's gotten into
the Good Place in 500 years.

We have no plan.
No one's coming to save us.

[dramatic music]

So...

♪ ♪

I'm going to do it.

♪ ♪

Follow me!

Corner piece! No!

You can't take the Book of Dougs.

Accountants only.

I need one of you to volunteer

to do something outrageously insane

that will either make you cease to exist

or be really fun.

That's most of the things I've tried.

That's my guy. Come here, come here.

- Get in the tube.
- Oh, hell, yeah.

- I love getting in stuff.
- [bell chimes]

♪ ♪

[alarm continues blaring]

No way to know what happened to him.

So, come on, let's go, everyone else.

Come on.

Here you go.

[bell chimes]

[people yelling, soft whooshing]

[repeated thumping]

[people grunting and groaning]

Ow!

[all grunting]

That was awesome! That was awesome!

I want to go again!

Where are we?

We're in the Good Place.

No offense, dude, but you have told us

a lot of lies in the last 300 years.

So, seriously, where the fork are we?

Fork.

Shirt. Ash hole.

[gasps]

[upbeat music]

Holy forking shirtballs.

We're in the Good Place!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com