Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

EH, YOU MAY WONDER WHAT I AM DOING

IN A FIELD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

DRESSED AS AIR MARSHAL GOERING.

THERE IS, AS USUAL, A VERY SIMPLE EXPLANATION.

EDITH AND I ARE TO DRESS AS HITLER AND GOERING

ON THE ORDERS OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN TO ACT AS DECOYS

TO HELP HIM CATCH THE LOCAL COMMUNIST RESISTANCE.

UNFORTUNATELY, HIS PLAN WENT WRONG

AND WE ARE NOW IN THE HANDS OF GENERAL VON KARZIBROT

WHO RUNS THE NEIGHBORING GARRISON

AND WHO IS, IT TURNS OUT, ONE OF THE, UH--

ONE OF THE REBEL GENERALS WHO IS PLOTTING TO ASSASSINATE HITLER.

DUE TO THE BAD LIGHT, HE THINKS THAT WE ARE THE REAL HITLER AND GOERING

AND HAS JUST TAKEN EDITH OVER THERE TO BE SHOT.

ALL I CAN DO NOW IS PRAY THAT IF SHE HAS ONE LAST WISH,

IT IS THAT HER OLD FRIEND HERMANN GOERING

DOES NOT HAVE TO SUFFER THE SAME FATE.

I WILL NOT STAND BY AND SEE GERMANY

DESTROYED BY YOU AND YOUR INSANE WAR!

FOR THE GOOD OF THE FATHERLAND, YOU MUST BE SHOT.

YOU ARE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE, GENERAL.

MY NAME IS EDITH!

VERY WELL, I HAVE NO TIME TO ARGUE.

I, GENERAL VAN KARZIBROT,

HEREBY SENTENCE YOU, EDITH, TO BE SHOT!

FIRING SQUAD, TAKE AIM!

( leaves rustling )

HITLER, COME BACK!

FIRE!

THE BRITISH! RETREAT! RETREAT!

WELL DONE, CHAPS. CHURCHILL WILL GIVE US ALL MEDALS FOR THIS.

RENE, WHAT IS HAPPENING?

THEY ARE BRITISH SOLDIERS, I THINK.

- OH, THANK GOODNESS. - YEAH.

WE ARE SAVED.

I AM CAPTAIN FROBISHER OF FIVE COMMANDO AND YOU ARE MY PRISONERS.

WE HAVE WAITED A LONG TIME FOR THIS MOMENT,

YOU NAZI SWINE.

WHAT IS HE SAYING, RENE?

HOW SHOULD I KNOW? I DO NOT SPEAK A WORD OF THEIR LANGUAGE.

I'M GOING TO ENJOY SEEING YOU PUT ON TRIAL

AND THEN SHOT, YOU MONSTERS.

OH, THANK YOU, HOW NICE.

THEY OBVIOUSLY REALIZE WE ARE IMPORTANT, RENE.

- THESE UNIFORMS HAVE SAVED OUR LIVES. - MM...

I AM NOT SO SURE, EDITH.

I NEVER THOUGHT WE WOULD PULL IT OFF, SIR-- SNATCHING THESE TWO LIKE THAT.

OUR INTELLIGENCE WAS SPOT-ON.

A DAMN FINE SHOW, WENT LIKE CLOCKWORK.

JUST IN TIME TOO-- THEY WERE ABOUT TO SHOOT THE BLIGHTERS.

RUM-LOOKING PAIR, AREN'T THEY?

HITLER IS EVEN UGLIER IN THE FLESH THAN HE IS IN THE PROPAGANDA FILMS.

Man: GOERING HAS GROWN A MUSTACHE, I SEE.

Frobisher: DOESN'T IMPROVE HIM.

EVEN A BEARD COULDN'T COVER UP AN UGLY MUG LIKE THAT.

RENE, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

WE HAVE GOT TO LET THEM KNOW WE ARE NOT REALLY HITLER AND GOERING.

HOW? I CANNOT SPEAK ANY OF THE LANGUAGE.

PERHAPS ONE OF THEM SPEAKS FRENCH.

I WILL TRY.

EXCUSE ME, WE ARE NOT REALLY HITLER AND GOERING, YOU KNOW?

WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT, PILKERS?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND GERMAN?

IT SOUNDED MORE LIKE FRENCH, SIR.

I SPEAK A FEW WORDS. ( clears throat )

SAY WHAT DID YOU?

RENE, ONE OF THEM SPEAKS FRENCH.

SORT OF.

I AM JUST A SIMPLE PEASANT WOMAN.

HITLER SAYS HE'S A WOMAN, SIR!

THE RUMORS ABOUT THE OPERATION WERE TRUE.

AND THIS IS MY HUSBAND.

GOOD LORD, HE'S MARRIED TO GOERING!

THEN NO WONDER THEY'RE LOSING THE WAR.

BETTER UNTIE THOSE HANDS.

OH, THEY DID NOT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND, RENE.

I WILL PROVE TO YOU I AM A WOMAN.

SHE'S GOING TO PROVE SHE'S A WOMAN!

MEN, LOOK THE OTHER WAY!

SEE, IT IS A FALSE MUSTACHE.

NO-- ( mumbles )

WE ARE JUST PEASANTS WHO RUN THE LOCAL CAFE IN THE NEARBY TOWN.

ACTUALLY, SIR, HE DOES LOOK A BIT LIKE A WOMAN.

THE OTHER ONE DOESN'T LOOK THAT MUCH LIKE GOERING.

I THINK THERE'S BEEN AN ALMIGHTY --, PILKERS.

WE HAVEN'T SNATCHED HITLER AND GOERING AFTER ALL.

I WONDER WHAT THEY ARE SAYING NOW.

I'VE PICKED UP A FEW WORDS OF ENGLISH

WHEN THE BRITISH AIRMEN WERE WITH US..

I THINK THEY ARE GOING TO GIVE US A LIFT BACK DOWN THE ROAD.

- OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. - RIGHT.

( Edith screams )

SO MUCH FOR YOUR FEW WORDS OF ENGLISH.

- ARE YOU HURT? - NO.

FORTUNATELY, I LANDED ON TOP OF YOU.

WE'LL HAVE TO WALK BACK TO NOUVION NOW.

DRESSED LIKE THIS?! ARE YOU MAD?

SOME PEASANT COULD TAKE A POTSHOT AT US.

WHAT WE NEED IS DIFFERENT CLOTHES.

- I HAVE AN IDEA, RENE. - HMM?

- FOLLOW ME. - WHAT?

( grunts softly )

THROW THAT OLD DRUNK OUT.

IT IS I, LECLERC.

SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAS HAPPENED.

- WHERE ARE RENE AND MADAME EDITH? - GIVE ME A DRINK.

THEY WERE TAKEN PRISONER BY THE GENERAL IN THE NEXT DISTRICT

WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE THE REAL HITLER AND GOERING.

HE'S A REBEL WHO WANTS HITLER OVERTHROWN.

HE SENT ME AWAY IN THE CAR WHILE HE TOOK RENE AND MADAME EDITH

INTO A FIELD TO BE SHOT.

- ( all gasp ) - OH MY GOD,

- THEY ARE PROBABLY BOTH DEAD BY NOW! - OH-HH.

I'D BETTER SAY A PRAYER.

OH, LORD, WATCH OVER MY DAUGHTER EDITH

WHO HAS SO TRAGICALLY BEEN TAKEN FROM ME.

All: AMEN.

AND IF YOU ARE STILL LISTENING DOWN THERE,

KEEP AN EYE ON THAT ROTTEN HUSBAND OF HERS.

NOW I WONDER IF THEY HAVE LEFT A WILL.

MADAME FANNY, HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK

OF SUCH A THING AT A TIME LIKE THIS?

ALTHOUGH MADAME EDITH DID ALWAYS SAY I COULD HAVE THE SILVER CUTLERY

AND A CHOICE OF HER WARDROBE.

AND THE JEWELRY WAS PROMISED TO ME.

YOU WILL HAVE NOTHING.

I AM HER SOLE RELATIVE AND THE CAFE IS MINE IN ANY CASE.

IT IS ALL MINE!

- OURS. - NO!

( groans )

YOU GET THE MONEY OUT OF THE TILL.

WE WILL LEAVE FOR PARIS TONIGHT

- AND HAVE A FINAL FLING. - YEAH.

THEN THROW THESE OLD USELESS BODIES

INTO THE SEINE!

COULD YOU NOT JUST THROW YOURS IN?

APART FROM WHICH, THE LAST TRAIN TO PARIS HAS ALREADY LEFT.

OH, WHERE IS YOUR GET-UP-AND-GO?!

IT HAS GOTTEN UP AND GONE.

WE CAN USE THE OLD ICE-CREAM VAN FROM ROUND THE BACK.

MMM, THERE'S NO PETROL IN IT.

WELL, WE WILL USE ALCOHOL.

YOU GIRLS-- YOU GO DOWN TO THE CELLAR

AND BRING UP FIVE CASES OF METHYLATED SPIRIT.

THAT'S A LOT OF METH JUST TO GET YOU TO PARIS.

WHATEVER IS LEFT OVER WE CAN DRINK.

WAS IT NOT A GOOD IDEA OF MINE TO TAKE THESE CLOTHES OFF THE SCARECROWS, RENE?

IT'S VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

THIS STRAW GETS EVERYWHERE.

( groaning )

WHAT IS IT, RENE?

THERE IS A FIELD MOUSE DOWN MY TROUSERS.

- ( mouse squeaks ) - ( groaning )

- ( car approaching ) - LOOK, RENE,

SOMETHING IS COMING DOWN THE ROAD.

MAYBE WE CAN PERSUADE THEM TO GIVE US A LIFT BACK INTO TOWN.

THAT WAS MY OLD ICE-CREAM VAN.

WITH MAMA AND MONSIEUR LECLERC.

WHAT ARE THEY DOING? THEY WILL NEVER SELL ANY ICE CREAM

GOING AT THAT SPEED.

NOW THAT RENE AND MADAME EDITH ARE GONE,

WE WILL HAVE TO RUN THE CAFE OURSELVES.

I WILL LOOK AFTER THE BAR WHILE YOU SERVE THE CUSTOMERS.

( gasps ) WHO ARE YOU TO GIVE ME ORDERS?

I WILL LOOK AFTER THE BAR, NOT YOU.

WHY DON'T WE STEP OUTSIDE AND SETTLE THIS WOMAN TO WOMAN?

THAT'S FINE BY ME.

- ( doorbell rings ) - SAVED BY THE BELL.

GOOD MOANING.

WE HAVE HID THE BOD NOSE ABOUT RONNIE AND MADAME EDITH.

IT IS A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY.

- POUR ME A DRINK. - I'LL HAVE A DOUBLE BRANDY.

MY DICKY TICKER IS ALMOST BROKEN.

AH. DEAR MADAME EDITH--

SHE WAS A FINE WOMAN, THE BEST.

NOW I WILL BURY THEM BOTH AT A VERY REASONABLE RATE.

NOW THEY ARE GONE, I AM TAKING OVER THIS BAR.

WE WILL RUN IT FOR THE BENEFIT OF FRANCE,

MY BRAVE GIRLS AND ME.

BUT WE WILL START WITH ME.

WHERE IS THE MONEY?

MADAME FANNY AND MONSIEUR LECLERC TOOK IT. THEY HAVE GONE TO PARIS.

- FOR A FINAL FLING. - OH, NEVER MIND.

WE WILL SOON FILL IT UP AGAIN.

OFFICER CRABTREE, YOU WILL TAKE OVER THE BAR.

SPLONDID!

I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO WICK BEHIND THE BOAR,

PILLING PUNTS AND CHITTING TO THE KISTOMERS.

YES, BUT FIRST WE MUST INCREASE THE TAKINGS.

HOW MUCH IS A BOTTLE OF WINE?

200 FRANCS.

THEN WE'LL DOUBLE IT IMMEDIATELY TO 400.

BUT NOBODY WILL PAY 400 FRANCS FOR A BOTTLE OF WINE.

ESPECIALLY THE PLONK THEY SERVE HERE.

WE WILL SEE ABOUT THAT.

( clears throat )

THIS CAFE IS NOW BEING RUN BY US.

HANDS UP HERE ANYONE WHO WANTS A BOTTLE OF WINE AT 400 FRANCS?

THIS NEVER FAILS.

OH, LOOK, THERE'S A PARCEL, GRUBER.

AH. AND A LETTER

MARKED "PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL". IT'S FOR YOU.

I WONDER WHO IT'S FROM.

IT IS FROM JUAN GARCIA.

OUR DISGUISES ARE IN THIS BOX.

HE'LL MEET US AT THE CROSSROADS AT 10:00 TOMORROW NIGHT.

SO MUCH FOR PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL.

GOOD EVENING, COLONEL. LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

WE HAVE JUST LEARNED THAT JUAN GARCIA IS COMING HERE TOMORROW NIGHT.

WE WILL NEED THE MISSING BOOBY

YOU CUT FROM THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA

SO WE CAN SELL IT IN SPAIN.

THERE IS AN EASIER WAY.

I'VE JUST HAD DINNER WITH HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO.

HOW COULD YOU, HELGA? HE'S SUCH A HORRIBLE SLIMY LITTLE WORM.

WE'VE HAD A LARGE DOGFISH

WITH A VERY INTERESTING STUFFING.

MY GOD, HELGA, YOU DON'T MEAN THE DOGFISH

CONTAINING OUR 10 MILLION FRANCS?

THE VERY SAME-- BOUGHT AT THE FISHMONGER'S.

HERR FLICK IS WILLING TO DO A SWAP.

HE WILL GIVE US THE 10 MILLION FRANCS

IF WE GIVE HIM THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA.

NEVER! THE PAINTING IS WORTHY MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

COLONEL, I THINK HELGA MIGHT HAVE A POINT.

WE WOULD BE MUCH BETTER OFF WITH THE CASH.

MMM... OH, VERY WELL.

HELGA, TELL HERR FLICK WE WILL SEE HIM TOMORROW NIGHT

IN THE CAFE RENE IN THE BACKROOM AT 9:30.

WE WILL DO THE EXCHANGE AND THEN WE'LL GO STRAIGHT TO THE CROSSROADS

TO MEET JUAN GARCIA.

AS YOU WISH, COLONEL.

WHERE IS THE MISSING BOOBY?

I CARRY IT WITH ME ALWAYS.

I WILL PRODUCE IT FOR YOU.

HOW DO I KNOW I CAN TRUST YOU, COLONEL?

HELGA, I'M AN OFFICER OF THE GERMAN ARMY.

THAT IS WHAT I MEAN.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.

IT IS CABARET TIME AT CAFE RENE.

I GIVE YOU

THE SINGING POLICEMAN AND MICHELLE OF THE RESISTANCE.

OH! FORGET I SAID THAT.

I WILL NOW TICKLE THE IVORIES.

( clears throat ) LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,

WE SHALL SING THIS ONLY ONCE.

♪ SHINE ON ♪

♪ SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON ♪

♪ UP IN THE SKOO ♪

♪ WE AIN'T HAD NO LOVING ♪

♪ SINCE JANUARY, FEBRUARY, JUNE ♪

♪ AND JULOO ♪

♪ SNOW TIME AIN'T NO TIME TO STAY ♪

♪ OUTSIDE AND SPOON ♪

♪ SO SHINE ON ♪

♪ SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON ♪

♪ FOR ME AND MY GHOUL. ♪

RENE! MADAME EDITH!

CAN IT BE TRUE? YOU ARE ALIVE!

WELL, AS WE ARE HERE, IT APPEARS THAT IS SO, YES.

- WHAT A RELIEF. - WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.

SHOT BY A FURRING SQUID.

WE ESCAPED BY THE SKIN OF OUR TEETH.

OH, WHO HAS WRITTEN "UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT" ON THIS MENU?

AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING SINGING IN OUR CAFE?

THAT IS MY ROLE.

YOU WILL DRIVE AWAY ALL OUR CUSTOMERS SINGING OFF-KEY LIKE THAT.

- I'M SURE THEY ARE USED TO IT. - ( gasps )

APART FROM WHICH, WE WERE MERELY CONTINUING YOUR BUSINESS.

WE DID NOT THUNK YOU WERE COMING BICK.

SO THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I AM AWAY FOR A MOMENT.

GET THAT APRON OFF AND GET OUT OF HERE, THE LOT OF YOU.

WE WERE ONLY TRAYING TO HELP.

DON'T GET YOUR KNOCKERS IN A TWOSS.

IT IS GONE MIDNIGHT, YOU WILL LOSE ME MY LICENSE.

MIMI, YVETTE, GET EVERYBODY OUT OF HERE-- NOW.

QUICK.

OH. OH, MADAME EDITH,

I WAS GRIEF STRICKEN WITH THE THOUGHT OF YOUR DEATH.

MY DICKY TICKER SOARS AT THE SIGHT OF YOU.

OH, THANK YOU, MONSIEUR ALFONSE.

- I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU CARE ABOUT ME. - OH, YES.

AND I HAD CHOSEN A BEAUTIFUL COFFIN FOR YOU AS WELL.

OH WELL, I WILL KEEP IT FOR ANOTHER DAY, HUH?

THIS IS NOT MUCH FOR AN EVENING'S TAKINGS.

MADAME FANNY AND MONSIEUR LECLERC TOOK THE REST.

THEY HAVE GONE TO PARIS FOR A BINGE BEFORE THEY JUMP IN THE SEINE.

OH MY GOD, SO THAT IS WHERE MY ICE-CREAM VAN WAS GOING?

IT IS TYPICAL OF MAMA. SHE NEVER WANTED TO GO OUT QUIETLY.

SHE NEVER DID ANYTHING QUIETLY.

THOSE TAKINGS SHOULD GO TO THE RESISTANCE.

WE ARE DESPERATELY SHIRT OF KISH.

THAT IS NOT MY FAULT.

YOU ARE PARTLY TO BLAME FOR THE DOGFISH BUNGLE

WHICH LOST US THE 10 MILLION FRANCS FROM THE COLONEL AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

THEN WHY NOT ASK THEM FOR MORE?

WE HAVE DECIDED TO SHOW THEM WE MEAN BUSINESS.

WE HAVE SENT THE INCRIMINATING PHOTOGRAPH WHICH IMPLICATES THEM

IN THE THEFT OF THE FALLEN MADONNA TO GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN

WHO WILL NO DOUBT HAVE THEM SHOT.

IN THE MEANTIME, I SHALL TAKE THIS FOR SINGING TONIGHT.

I NEVER GET PAID FOR SINGING.

WELL, YOU SHOULD BE PAID FOR NOT SINGING.

- AND I WILL HAVE SOME TOO. - WHAT?

AFTER ALL, I PLAYED THE PIANO.

WHAT ABOUT MOO? DON'T I GET ANY WOGES?

HERE.

IF YOU NUDE A SAGOON I'M FROO ON MINDAYS AND SOTADAYS.

GET OUT!

OH, THERE'S GRITITUDE FOR YOU.

WHAT A NIGHT. I AM EXHAUSTED!

LET US GO UP TO BED.

I AM NOT THAT EXHAUSTED.

I UNDERSTAND THE WEATHER IN SPAIN IS--

DID YOU ORDER A WINDOW CLEANER?

- NO, WHY? - A LADDER HAS JUST COME INTO VIEW.

( groans softly )

RENE!

PARDON ME FOR THIS UNEXPECTED APPEARANCE

ON YOUR BALCONY, LIEUTENANT.

- RENE, WHAT A LOVELY SURPRISE. - ( chuckles )

BUT I MUST TELL YOU

THAT I AM NOT ALONE AT THE MOMENT.

NO NO, NO NO NO. I WANT TO SPEAK WITH BOTH OF YOU

- TO GIVE YOU A WARNING. - WHAT ABOUT?

UH, THE RESISTANCE PEOPLE-- WHO I DO NOT KNOW--

HAVE SENT THE INCRIMINATING PHOTOGRAPHS OF THE LIEUTENANT

- TO GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN. - ( gasps )

- WHAT?! - MM-HMM. HE WILL GET IT SOMETIME THIS MORNING.

MY GOD, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?! THE GENERAL WILL COME HERE

AND ARREST US FOR STEALING THE FALLEN MADONNA FROM HIM.

RENE, YOU WILL HAVE TO HIDE US IN YOUR CAFE.

OH, NO, COLONEL. I'M SORRY, THAT IS OUT OF THE QUESTION.

JUST TILL TONIGHT, RENE. WE HAVE SOME BUSINESS WITH HERR FLICK

IN YOUR BACKROOM AND THEN WE ARE HEADING FOR SPAIN

WITH JUAN GARCIA AND HIS FLAMENCO TROUPE.

I-I-- I CANNOT DO IT. THE RESISTANCE WOULD SHOOT ME

IF I GAVE YOU SHELTER.

AND I WILL SHOOT YOU IF YOU DON'T.

I WILL SEE YOU LATER.

BYE.

WE ARE TO MEET WITH THE COLONEL AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER

IN THE BACKROOM OF THE CAFE RENE

AT 9:30 THIS EVENING, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

YES, HERR FLICK. IT IS PAST MY USUAL BEDTIME,

BUT I HOPE YOU WILL LET ME STAY UP AT LEAST FOR THIS ONCE.

THERE WE WILL EXCHANGE THE 10 MILLION FRANCS

WE FOUND INSIDE THE DOGFISH

FOR THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA.

IT WILL BE A BARGAIN AT THAT PRICE, HERR FLICK.

ESPECIALLY AS I DO NOT INTEND TO HAND OVER

THE WHOLE 10 MILLION.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I HAVE DEVISED A CUNNING PLAN.

WE WILL SHOW THEM A SMALL AMOUNT OF REAL MONEY,

BUT MOST OF THE CASH WILL BE PAPER

CUT UP TO LOOK LIKE 1000-FRANC NOTES.

THAT IS A MASTERLY PLAN, HERR FLICK!

AREN'T THEY ALWAYS?

NOW,

I HAVE HERE ON THE DESK A NUMBER OF MAGAZINES.

YOU WILL CUT THEM UP WITH A KNIFE

TO THE EXACT SIZE OF THIS NOTE

I HAVE PASTED TO THIS BLOCK OF WOOD.

- I WILL DO IT AT ONCE, HERR FLICK. - STOP!

FIRST, I MUST GIVE YOU A WARNING.

THESE MAGAZINES ARE OLD COPIES OF THE HITLER YOUTH

UNADORNED ARYAN MAIDEN QUARTERLY.

YOU ARE FORBIDDEN TO LOOK AT THEM.

I MEAN, HOW WILL I CUT THEM UP?!

YOU WILL WEAR THIS PAPER BAG ON YOUR HEAD

AND DO IT BY TOUCH.

THERE.

YOU MAY BEGIN.

AND NO WIGGLY EDGES.

WE ARE NOT MAKING DOILIES.

HOW LONG DO WE HAVE TO HIDE, GRUBER?

I'M GETTING CRAMPED IN HERE.

PATIENCE, COLONEL, IT'S ONLY A FEW HOURS MORE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR YOU, YOU'RE IN BED.

IT'S SO IGNOMINIOUS FOR A MAN OF MY RANK

TO BE HIDING UNDER A CHAMBER POT.

AND WHERE'S THE FOOD THAT MADAME EDITH PROMISED US?

I WILL TRY TO ATTRACT SOMEONE'S ATTENTION, COLONEL.

( whimpers ) EDITH!

EDITH!

WILL NO ONE HERE WHO HEARS THE CRIES

OF A POOR OLD WOMAN? ( taps on floor )

EDITH! EDITH!

COMING, MAMA.

OH, I MEAN, LIEUTENANT.

I HAVE BOUGHT YOU BOTH SOME SOUP.

HOW AM I EXPECTED

TO DRINK SOUP IN THIS CABINET?!

AH. I HAVE COME PREPARED.

NOW YOU SUCK THROUGH THIS,

BUT DON'T SUCK TOO HARD

OR YOU WILL GET INDIGESTION.

MADAME EDITH, GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN IS HERE.

HE'S SEARCHING THE CAFE FOR THE COLONEL AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

IN FACT I HEAR HIS FOOTS ON THE STAIRS NOW.

OH MY GOD! DO NOT GIVE US AWAY!

OH, YOU ARE SAFE, LIEUTENANT.

THE GENERAL DOES NOT KNOW MAMA VERY WELL,

AND IF YOU ACT LIKE HER, HE WILL BE FOOLED BY YOUR DISGUISE.

( hiccupping )

THE SOUP HAS GONE DOWN THE WRONG WAY.

QUICKLY, COLONEL, GET BACK UNDER THE CHAMBER POT.

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

I ASSURE YOU, GENERAL,

THERE IS ONLY MY OLD MOTHER-IN-LAW UP HERE.

I INTEND TO SEARCH EVERY BUILDING IN THE TOWN UNTIL I FIND THEM.

I HAVE INFORMATION THEY HAVE STOLEN

A VERY VALUABLE PAINTING FROM MY QUARTERS.

- SEARCH UNDER THE BED AND IN THAT CUPBOARD. - YES, GENERAL.

THAT MOTHER-IN-LAW DOESN'T LOOK VERY OLD TO ME.

OH, SHE IS VERY WELL-PRESERVED FOR HER AGE.

SHE HAS REMARKABLE TEETH AND VERY FEW WRINKLES.

IT IS THE SIMPLE COUNTRY LIFE SHE HAS LED--

PLENTY OF FRUITS AND VEGETABLES.

WHO DID THAT?

MY MOTHER SUFFERS TERRIBLY FROM INDIGESTION.

IT GIVES HER HICCUPS.

EDITH, WHO IS THE FAT KRAUT WITH THE PIGGY EYES?

- MAMA! - GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

I SPIT ON HIM AND ALL THE GERMANS!

SHUT UP, YOU SILLY OLD BAT!

I'M VERY SORRY, GENERAL. SHE IS GOING A LITTLE BIT GAGA.

- ANYTHING? - NO, GENERAL.

IF THE COLONEL OR LIEUTENANT GRUBER COME ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR CAFE,

- INFORM ME AT ONCE! - OF COURSE, GENERAL.

GIVE THE OLD LADY A GLASS OF WATER.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, LIEUTENANT?

OH, I THINK I'VE JUST AGED A GREAT NUMBER OF YEARS.

AND THE COLONEL?

HAS HE GONE? ( hiccups )

I'VE GOT THE HICCUPS. I CAN'T GET RID OF THEM.

A SUDDEN SHOCK WOULD DO THE TRICK.

LOOK OUT, THE GENERAL IS COMING BACK!

IT HAS DONE THE TRICK.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD.

AH. GOOD EVENING, HERR FLICK, AND WELCOME.

GOOD EVENING. WHERE IS RENE?

I WILL GET HIM FOR YOU. HERE, HELP YOURSELF TO A DRINK.

THE FUTURE LOOKS VERY ROSY FOR YOU

IF YOU STAY WITH US, HELGA,

AFTER TONIGHT, WE WILL HAVE BOTH THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA

AND MOST OF THE 10 MILLION FRANCS.

BUT YOU'RE GIVING THE 10 MILLION FRANCS TO THE COLONEL AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

THEY ARE MOSTLY CUT-UP MAGAZINES, NOT REAL MONEY.

HOW DEVIOUS YOU ARE, HERR FLICK.

I'M SO GLAD I'M ON YOUR SIDE.

AH. GOOD EVENING, HERR FLICK, HELGA.

GOOD EVENING, PEASANT. WE ARE EXPECTED IN YOUR BACKROOM.

OF COURSE. THE COLONEL AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER ARE ALREADY THERE

IN DISGUISE, READY FOR THEIR ESCAPE.

JUST WAIT ONE MOMENT.

OH, RENE.

I AM AFRAID THIS IS GOODBYE FOREVER.

THEN LET US SAY FAREWELL.

PERHAPS THE FRENCH WAY.

WHAT?

DON'T THEY-- DON'T THEY HUG AND KISS ON THE CHEEK?

( stammers )

ONLY WHEN PRESENTING MEDALS OR IN A DIRE EMERGENCY.

AH. UH, ONE MOMENT.

THIS WAY, PLEASE, HERR FLICK, HELGA.

I WILL ENSURE THAT YOU ARE NOT DISTURBED.

- GOOD EVENING. - LET'S GET STRAIGHT TO BUSINESS.

DID YOU BRING THE 10 MILLION FRANCS?

IT IS IN THIS ATTACHE CASE.

HAVE YOU BROUGHT THE PAINTING OF THE FALLING MADONNA

WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN KLOMP?

I HAVE IT HERE.

THEN LET US COMPLETE THE TRANSACTION.

WE WANT TO SEE THE MONEY FIRST.

VON SMALLHAUSEN, OPEN THE CASE.

- SEEMS IN ORDER. - NOW THE PAINTING.

WE WRAPPED IT IN NEWSPAPER TO PROTECT IT.

THERE IS ONE OF THE BOOBIES.

NO TOUCHING, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

I WAS JUST CHECKING ITS AUTHENTICITY, HERR FLICK.

HELGA, YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT BOOBIES THAN ANYONE ELSE.

IS THAT THE REAL THING?

YES, HERR FLICK, THAT IS DEFINITELY A VAN KLOMP BOOBY.

WE WISH TO SEE MORE OF THE PAINTING.

WE WISH TO SEE MORE OF THE MONEY.

WE HAVE SEEN ENOUGH OF THE PAINTING.

WE HAVE SEEN ENOUGH OF THE MONEY.

WE WILL LEAVE BY THE WINDOW, GRUBER.

GOODBYE, HELGA.

PERHAPS WE SHALL MEET WHEN THE WAR IS OVER.

GOODBYE, COLONEL, LIEUTENANT.

GOODBYE, HELGA.

AND GOOD RIDDANCE.

POUR US SOME WINE, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

WE WILL CELEBRATE THE DOUBLE-CROSS OF THE CENTURY.

THOSE IDIOTS WERE COMPLETELY FOOLED

BY MY CUNNING DECEPTION.

HERR FLICK, YOU ARE SO IRRESISTIBLY ATTRACTIVE

WHEN YOU'RE BEING UNDERHAND AND DISHONEST.

- MAY I KISS YOU? - LET US LOOK AT THE PAINTING FIRST.

THERE IS NO PAINTING, JUST A BOOBY!

WE HAVE BEEN DIDDLED!

QUICK, AFTER THEM!

OH, RENE, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENED TO DR. LE COMTE.

HE'S VERY LATE.

AND WE NEED THOSE EXTRA RATION BOOKS BEFORE WE CAN ELOPE.

WELL, PERHAPS YOU SHOULD WAIT UNTIL ANOTHER NIGHT.

OH, YOU'RE NOT TRYING TO GET OUT OF IT, ARE YOU?

IF YOU ARE, I WILL ANNOUNCE NOW THAT YOU'RE THE FATHER OF MY CHILD.

OH, NO NO NO, WE WILL ELOPE.

I WILL MEET YOU DOWN HERE AT MIDNIGHT

AND WE WILL GET THE MILK TRUCK TO PARIS.

OH, THANK GOODNESS, HERE IS THE DOCTOR NOW.

I AM SORRY I AM LATE. I HAD AN EMERGENCY TO ATTEND TO.

HAVE YOU BROUGHT MY EXTRA RATION BOOKS?

OH, I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS FOR YOU, MY DEAR.

YOU ARE NOT WITH CHILD AFTER ALL.

- WHAT?! - IT'S BEEN A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

THE FROGS WHICH WE USE FOR THE PREGNANCY TEST GOT MIXED UP.

THEY LEAPT INTO EACH OTHER'S JARS.

I JUST DISCOVERED THE ERROR.

IT IS NOT YOU WHO IS WITH CHILD,

IT IS MADAME LINARD, THE DRESSMAKER.

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE PLEASED.

IT IS PROBABLY THE SHOCK, DOCTOR.

WELL, IF SHE IS SO UPSET, SHE COULD ALWAYS TRY AGAIN.

- PERISH THE THOUGHT. - ( cries louder )

- OH WELL. GOOD NIGHT. - GOOD NIGHT, DOCTOR.

- ( sobbing ) - OH, THERE THERE.

IMAGINE THAT-- MADAME LINARD PREGNANT

AND HER HUSBAND DIED A YEAR AGO.

I WONDER WHO THE FATHER IS.

DO NOT START THAT AGAIN, EDITH.

CHEER UP. IT IS GOOD NEWS.

OH, THIS HAS BEEN HANGING OVER US FOR FAR TOO LONG.

AND NOW IT IS OVER, IT IS TIME TO REJOICE.

YES, YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN, EDITH. AHA, YES.

YVETTE HAS AVOIDED THE SHAME

AND YOU AND I ARE STILL IN ONE PIECE

AFTER LAST NIGHT. HA-HA-HA.

THE GERMAN COMMANDANT AND THE LIEUTENANT HAVE GONE

AND SOON THE WAR WILL BE OVER.

SUDDENLY, EVERYTHING IS PERFECT.

I WILL SING A SONG TO CELEBRATE.

( shrieks )

PERHAPS NOT AS PERFECT AS IT COULD BE.

♪ SHINE ON ♪

♪ SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON ♪

♪ UP IN THE SKY ♪

♪ I AIN'T HAD NO LOVING ♪

♪ SINCE JANUARY, FEBRUARY, JUNE ♪

- ♪ OR JULY... ♪ - ( theme music playing )