Original subtitles

Eliza: If you want to know what I'm up to,

all you have to do is look at my feed, and you'll see.

My man, my Mani,

my mini, which is actually a fiat,

#lessbasicbitch.

Henry, on the other hand, wasn't on Instagram.

So if you want to know what the hell he's doing,

you have to stop by his office.

What the hell are you doing?

This soothing balm is causing me a great deal of discomfort.

Our diaper cream sales have been... Well, stinky.

[Gasps]

- We should sell it as an eye cream. - What?

I read on some beauty blog that's what J-albs does.

Or J-lo.

One of the J's.

Look.

I must admit, your under-eye region...

Does look luminous.

Mm-hmm. I call it "Butt Eyes."

No. No, you don't. That is a terrible name.

But it is a solid idea.

We market our diaper cream for an unexpected use.

We target new moms who aren't getting enough sleep

and could desperately use...

- Butt Eyes! - Please stop saying that.

I promise I can come up with a better name.

A little bit of you, a little bit of me, right?

Right. In the meantime,

go pitch this to Saperstein! He's gonna love it!

[Clears throat] Yeah.

I'm more of a "have the idea" person.

I'm not really, like, a "bring the idea to Saperstein" person.

It's... Liza, this is a good idea,

and I want him to know that it's yours.

Here's another one I had... the Blorkel.

It's a blanket with a built-in snorkel

- so... - Mm, yeah.

You have a strong, viable idea for this company

whose value far exceeds that of an aquatic blanket.

So go to Saperstein.

Pitch him your diaper-cream concept this very instant!

"Srsly"?

Seriously.

It's so you can breathe under the covers, right?

- What? - The Blorkel.

Oh! [Laughs] Yeah. Exactly.

If I were you, I'd "Shark Tank" that one.

Maybe I will.

I'll give you $100 for 90% of your company!

♪ I'm looking at me ♪

♪ hey, look, it's me ♪

♪ not to make it all me ♪

♪ funny thing about me ♪

♪ is while I'm looking at me-e-e-e-e ♪

♪ I'm hoping to find you ♪

Thank you.

[Gasps] Oopsies! Ooh.

Yes, my oopsies, as well.

Oh. You are Eliza Dooley's acquaintances, are you not?

Wren and... Prue?

He got it right. Wow.

We're delivering hand-crafted sandwiches

for Bryn's artisanal farm-to- conference-table food concept.

Ah, yes. I hear they've amassed quite a following upstairs.

Wren must be enjoying a healthy profit.

Um, actually, since we all make the sandwiches,

we're all enjoying profit.

We've bucked the traditional corporate structure

in favor of a shared equity model, so...

Well, good luck with that. Yeah.

- Dig the shoes. - Pardon?

I said, "dig the shoes."

- Thank you. - Nice...

Leather-bound early edition copy of "Little Women."

Yeah, I wrote an analysis of that novel

for my women's studies thesis.

I see. And in your thesis, what exactly did you "thees"?

I argued that a Jo and Laurie marriage

would have made a superior ending due to their obvious...

sexual tension? [Chuckles]

I couldn't agree more.

Okay, speaking of sexual tension, you guys...

...or is this just regular tension?

I'm gonna head back.

You should come by our book club, Henry.

It should be fun to have, like, a male perspective.

[Chuckles]

Yeah, I-I'll think about it. Yeah.

Aah!

Prue, take it down six notches.

[Quietly] Ahh.

Well?

Omg, h-dog,

I am pumped like some re-released Reeboks.

Tell me! I just bid on and won

a pair of limited edish Marc Jacobs jellies!

Shopshifter user Babyfuzz

can straight up suck it in some Havianas.

I'm sorry. I-I am confused.

She's the Ratchet I was bidding against.

And Havianas are, like, the every flip-flop.

No. Eliza, what happened with Sam Saperstein

- when you told him your idea? - Oh, that.

Okay, so, I was on my way to Saperstein's office,

and I started think about how "sapers" sounds like zappos...

No, it doesn't.

...Which in turn reminded me that I needed a good water shoe.

A water sh... why does anyone need a good water...

And I'd been fiending for those M.J.'S,

and then it was like, "seize the day."

You know?

No, I don't know.

In fact, I'm fairly certain the "carpe Diem" philosophy

does not apply to online shoe shopping.

Aah! [Clears throat]

All right, this is not longer an ask. This is a demand.

Follow through on your great idea.

I am personally walking you over to Saperstein's office.

Right now. Out of your chair. Let's go.

Um, I can walk by myself, thank you very much.

All right. Okay?

Oh! [Thud]

Starting now.

And so, you'll notice my under-eye region

is as smooth and supple as a baby's back door.

- The end. - That's remarkable.

And I love how I knew your presentation had finished.

[Chuckles]

Mm-hmm.

No, don't look at me, sir. This is all her. [Chuckles]

Miss Dooley, if I had my druthers,

we'd squirt diaper cream on the face

of every woman in this country, whether she liked it or not.

Yikes. [Clears throat]

The only... problem

is that we can't legally advertise a product

for something other than its intended use.

- Oh, well. - No. Not "oh, well."

Never "oh, well." Okay.

We need an unofficial way to get the word out.

Well, what about Twitter?

I have hundreds of thousands of followers

on Twitter and Instagram

and dozens of contacts waiting to connect with me on Linkedin.

I can get the word out... unofficially.

By all means, tweet, gram, uh, link in.

Okay. You know what's happening right now?

A brainstorming sesh.

We're riffing. It's a riff.

We're like a corporate jazz trio

trying to figure out a profit tune.

[Imitating bass]

Henry on the hi-hat.

[Imitating cymbals]

Eliza Dooley on the French horn.

Uh, I don't know what we're doing here.

Solo. It's your solo.

[Sighs]

♪ Don't really know what a French horn sounds like ♪

Mr. Saperstein, there's a...

[imitations stop]

I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were riffing.

I will let the board know you're in a jazz meeting.

Thank you, Joan. [Imitating bass]

[Imitating cymbals]

[Vocalizing nasally]

That night, for the first time ever,

I took my work home with me

and tried to come up with a hashtag

to make Butt Eyes go viral.

[Groans]

Why do people favorite when they can re-tweet?

Nut up, dude!

[Sighs] My mom's such a coward.

Hey, do you want to meet my mom?

- They're in town this week. - Hmm? Who's in town?

My parents.

Oh, you want me to meet the parents?

Like in that movie, uh, "Meet the Parents"?

Yeah. I mean, unless you're not into it.

Hmm? I'm fully into it.

- Yeah? - Yeah! Hell yeah.

- Hell yeah. - Hmm.

Great.

Okay, you know what? Hashtags would have to wait.

I had a super-hot guy in my bed who was...

Good morning! How are you? But keep your answer brief,

'cause I'm really just waiting to tell you how I am.

I'm fine! How are you?

I think I'm okay, but last night, for the first time ever,

Freddy and I slept together without sleeping together.

Mm-hmm.

Meaning I didn't ride the pony to pound town.

I got that.

Well?

Why aren't you exploding into a million charmoniques

and scurrying across the floor in shock?!

Because I'm not shocked.

It sounds like your relationship with Freddy is maturing.

Yeah. He asked me to meet the parents.

Oh, you mean like in that movie "Meet the Fockers"?

Yeah, but back to us not having sex.

Is that what happens in mature relationships?

Every relationship is different,

but none of them are different, yes?

That's how you know you're on the next level, though,

when you think about more than just having sex with them.

[Sighs]

Are you thinking about having sex with him right now?

No! [Moans]

Okay, get away from my desk.

[Shudders]

Hi.

God!

God! My heart is racing.

Mine, too. Workplace rendezvous?

This is not a rendezvous.

Technically, any meeting is a rendezvous.

[Chuckles]

Touché.

And additionally, please leave.

I'm sorry?

I'm sorry, Wren, but I learned in my women's studies seminar

that no one likes to be falsely encouraged.

So I must respectfully express that I am not interested

in forging a romantic convergence.

With you.

Yeah. Got it.

[Sarcastically] Thanks for being so frank.

Wren, hold on a second.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

I'm not really a muffin guy, so...

[Knock on door]

Sir, Charlie said you wanted to see me?

Uh, yes. That's exactly what I told him to say.

Come in. Take a seat.

[Clears throat]

Henry, I just wanted to thank you

for the tremendous work you've been doing with Eliza. Oh.

I took the liberty of ordering us a celebratory Sammie.

Oh, cheers. Very kind of you, sir.

[Chuckles]

You know, Henry, I don't know the difference

between a panini and a Pokémon.

You don't?

But I do know this little piece of edible sunshine

is the highlight of my day.

Hmm.

Mmm.

[Choking, coughing] Sir?

Are you... are you all right? Is there something wrong?

E-everything's wrong.

Everything!

The old sandwich was sweet, salty, creamy, crisp.

She was a... a toothsome journey. But this? Th...

it's...

Excuse me.

Ah, yes. Hello.

I just picked up two of your artisan sammies,

and I'm just wondering

if we're up against some sort of chutney issue.

I see.

Right. Well, uh, thank you for the explanation.

Hmm.

What is the explanation?

Well, Henry, it's a tale as old as time.

Girl makes sandwich, sandwich is delicious,

boy breaks girl's heart, girl makes new sandwich

which tastes like ground-up pigeon beak.

And I don't think I need to tell you how this story ends.

You actually do, sir.

Boy fixes sandwich, Henry.

Boy fixes sandwich.

All I said was that I wasn't interested in her romantically.

It's not what you said. It's how you said it.

Come on! What? I'm willing to pay double

if we can have the old, toothsome sandwiches back.

Our cooperative doesn't bend

to the pressure of the almighty dollar.

Fine.

What if you tell me the ingredients

so I can make the sandwich for him myself?

Oh, and if I just gave you some brushes,

could you paint the "Mona Lisa"?

Uh... I think this is a little different.

Out. [Scoffs]

Come on.

[Door opens]

All I was trying to do was be honest about my feelings.

It's great that you can be so honest about your feelings,

even if it means hurting someone else's.

Thank you.

I meant that as a burn.

Meant mine as a burn, too.

"Thank you" was your burn?!

Per Henry's instructions,

I was trying to follow through on my diaper-cream idea,

which meant another late night at the office.

What are you still doing here?

Okay. All my push notifications are now diaper-face related.

We're trending on Pinterest's life hack board.

And I was just re-tweeted by the Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles.

Aah! [Chuckles]

Wow, look at you. [Chuckles]

Working late. I've never seen this side of you before.

Hey, did you know there's this guy that comes through

and empties every trash into one giant trash?

He's like reverse Santa of garbage.

Yes, he's the janitor.

So, I shouldn't leave cookies for him?

No, he sees cookies as more work. In fact,

cookies are just something else that he has to throw away.

Well, I'm just gonna print off this report

illustrating my progress for Saperstein

and then race off to dinner with Freddy's parents.

Freddy asked you to meet his parents?

Unless you think I should cancel.

I don't want you to say I'm not following through.

As someone who has spent far too many nights alone

with the reverse garbage Santa, I can tell you

that following through on personal stuff

is just as important.

So, why are you still here and not with Julia?

Because Julia is a workaholic, like me.

I guess that's why we're perfect for each other

and seldom together.

[Chuckles]

- Meeting the parents. - [Sighs]

Yeah. Wow. Things are getting "srs."

- "Srsly." - [Both chuckle]

[Cellphone vibrates]

Eliza, try to stay off the phone tonight.

The only thing that should be glowing at that table is you.

[Chuckles] Glowing.

[Chuckles]

[Scoffs] I hope I'm dressed okay.

I don't exactly have time to go home and change.

You want to borrow my coat?

Hmm. Maybe.

Here you go.

Turn around. Right.

Well? How do I look?

Wow.

Little bit of you, little bit of me.

That seems to be the winning combination.

[Chuckles]

As I drove to meet Freddy and his parents,

I thought about what Henry had said.

[Indistinct conversations]

Some moments are worth putting your phone down for.

But more and more, we forget to.

Hi. Um, I'm joining them.

Thank you.

[Indistinct conversations]

It was starting to feel like

the world was divided into two groups of people...

those on their phones and those not on their phones.

But suddenly, it was like the blue haze had lifted.

Hi!

- Oh, hey. Eliza. - Hi! Oh, hi.

Wow, she is even more beautiful than on Instagram.

Oh. [Laughter]

We started following you a few weeks ago

when Freddy tagged you in one of his pics.

Ah!

- #stalkers. - #guilty.

Okay, Eliza, this incredibly Internet-savvy couple

happens to be my parents... this is Brandon and Maisy.

Hi. Brandon and... and Maisy?

Uh, you do realize your couple name is Mais-'n-bran.

Oh, my God. That is fantastic.

- I love it. - I love it!

Huh? I mean, no wonder you're together, right?

What's our couple name?

Um, uh, fry... Za. Fryza.

Fryza?

Yeah. Yeah.

F-fryza. [Chuckles] Yeah, fryza.

Brandon: Sure.

It wasn't just that our couple name

sounded like a German curse word.

It was the fact that 90% of the time I spent with Freddy,

we were either doing this...

♪ Mi mi mi mi mi mi mi ♪

♪ mi mi mi, only mi mi ♪

♪ mi mi mi mi mi mi mi ♪

- ...or this... - ♪ mi mi mi, sexy me, mi mi mi mi mi mi mi ♪

- ...which prevented me from ever fully understanding - ♪ mi mi mi, only mi mi ♪

- That Freddy's laugh sounds like this... - ♪ mi mi mi ♪

[Stifled laughing]

[Snorts]

...and that he eats his bread like this.

Mm! Are we ready to order?

Madame?

Oh, uh... I'm not sure what I want.

[Sighs]

Can you come back to me?

- Honey? - Um, I'm gonna do the salmon.

Oh, yeah. Salmon, please.

Make it three. Salmon sounds great.

You won't be disappointed. That's what we're famous for.

I don't know why I'm having so much trouble

committing to something that sounds so... great.

Do some people not like the salmon?

Oh, no. Everyone loves the salmon.

And, in theory, I should, too.

It's just that I've had a lot of salmon recently.

And I kind of feel like I've gotten all I can get out of salmon,

and I may just have lost my taste for...

Salmon entirely.

[Gulps]

I mean, look. There are other fish in the sea.

I mean, if salmon doesn't feel right,

then you probably shouldn't force it.

It was one of the best pieces of advice

a waiter had ever given me.

Liza? You okay?

Mais-'n-bran, I'm really sorry.

Uh, your son is smoking hot,

and we have obscene sexual chemistry. We're just not...

We're not a winning combination.

A-are you dumping me?

I'm really sorry.

Eliza...

Eliza!

[Footsteps departing]

So, just three salmons, then?

Of all the people to die, why Claire Danes?

- Prue! Prue, you can't do that! - I also read it.

I just always picture Beth as Claire Danes.

[Sighs]

I think it's great that Beth died.

I'm actually super happy for Beth.

I mean, dying from scarlet fever

sounds better than being ignored on match.com every night.

[Knock on door]

[Sighs]

Too late for one more?

[Clears throat]

[Door closes]

I'm sure you don't still want me to join your book club, Wren,

but, um... I re-read my thesis,

and it is hogwash.

Jo and Laurie are meant to be friends,

and Laurie is seeing someone else.

You see, Wren? Laurie doesn't hate Jo.

Laurie is just in a relationship.

And make no mistake, Laurie is not physically attracted to Jo.

But Laurie certainly did not need to just say that.

Agreed.

Laurie still has some work left to do.

I'm sorry, Wren.

And not just in a self-serving,

I-want-your-sandwich kind of way.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I really didn't.

Apology accepted.

Thank you.

[Sighs] Oh, and, uh...

One more thing. Bryn?

Yeah?

For someone with such a large welcome mat,

you aren't very welcoming.

Burn returned, my dear.

That's your burn?

How long did it take you to come up with that?

With my phone off for almost...

I don't know how long because my phone was off...

it was just me and this one thought that I couldn't shake.

The only person who I wasn't hiding from,

the only person who had ever seen me with no #filter was...

[Elevator bell dings]

[Chuckles]

- Henry. - Hey.

How did it go with Freddy?

It went exactly... like it was supposed to.

Oh, good.

Glad to hear it. Have a great night.

[Button clicks]

[Elevator bell dings]

Henry. Wait.

I want to give you your jacket back.

You can just give it to me tomorrow.

[Button clicks]

[Elevator bell dings]

No.

I really want to give it to you tonight.

[The Diamonds' "The Stroll" plays]

♪ Come, let's stroll ♪

♪ stroll across the floor ♪

- You sure you want to head home right now? - ♪ come, let's stroll ♪

♪ stroll across the floor ♪

No, I'm not.

♪ Now turn around, baby ♪

I have to go feed my cat.

♪ Let's stroll once more ♪

You don't have a cat.

- I have to go purchase a cat and then feed it generously. - ♪ feel so good ♪

♪ take me by my hand ♪

[Button clicking]

I don't understand what the point of this button is!

- [Elevator bell dings] - ♪ I feel so good ♪

♪ take me by my hand ♪

[Exhales sharply]

I wasn't discouraged.

Henry had taught me to follow through on my good ideas,

and this one was even better than the Blorkel.

Henry and I were going to be together...

Or else.

- The End -