Original subtitles

Or just your side hustle?

Hmm, the silent type, eh?

That's how I like my men anyway.

Wanna be my boyfriend?

Uh.

Ah. - Oopsy.

- Jeez.

Boy,

you look thirsty.

Here,

have some water.

- I'm good, thanks.

I insist.

So what are your plans for the night?

Anything

special?

- Um, you know, just the uje.

How 'bout you?

A little bit of this,

and a little bit of that.

- Total.

This taste kinda funny.

It should.

I said it should, shouldn't it?

- Um,

no.

Why?

It's an off-brand.

- Oh.

Oh, look at that.

Here we are.

Have a good night.

- Yeah,

you too.

- Uh, can you, please, un...

Help me, mm.

- You just have to push it.

Hard. - Okay.

Thanks.

Wait, Alissa?

You forgot something.

- What is...

I live in Hollywood.

It's a shit hole.

People come here from all over the world

just to be disappointed.

Dreamers move here to accomplish their dreams,

and end up accomplishing nothing.

The only honest thing about this place

is the dishonesty.

The boulevard of broken dreams.

People trying to deceive you at every corner.

Tourist traps out the yang.

The only place where you can see all the super heroes.

Vader, Sponge Bob, all sucking off the teet of society.

They're the true winners.

They're they only so-called actors

that are actually working.

Schmucks give 'em five bucks a pop for a pic.

Good for them.

- Hi, there.

Jason, correct?

Yes.

Okay, this is our first time.

Well, at this anyway.

I'm kiddin' around.

I'm kiddin' around.

- I had a half a glass of vino before I got in your car.

- I had the other half.

We don't normally do that.

- No.

- It was good wine.

Really good.

From a box.

- Yeah.

So how do you like driving?

- Oh, my God, please tell us some stories.

What do you mean?

- Any weirdos, you ever get any weirdos

in the car? - Yeah, yeah.

All the time.

- Tell me, tell me, tell me, I wanna know.

Normally?

- Normally or weirdly.

- Well. - Tell us.

- When that happens,

if they're

weird. - Ah.

- Or annoying.

- Right.

I hate those people.

- I, - Oh, my God,

Tell us, tell us. - Tell us, tell us,

tell us, you gotta tell us.

I kill them.

- Oh,

you really had me. - Oh, my God.

- Oh, my gosh.

- That freaked me out. - That was good.

I really thought you killed people.

Wow.

That was good. - That was good.

Have you done any acting?

'Cause you could be good.

- Yeah. - Would you like

to hear a joke?

Yes.

- He's 100% blind.

- Hmm. - I can't see a thing.

No, but seriously, I'd love to hear a joke.

A man walks into a bar.

- Mm, been there.

He's like, wow,

there's so many beautiful women in this bar.

So he goes up to the bar,

and there's a man sitting at the bar,

and he says to the man,

hey, buddy,

do you see all these beautiful women here at this bar?

And the man says,

yes,

and in fact,

I can have sex

with any women in this bar.

Now the man looks at him weird and says,

hold on a minute,

what makes you think you can have sex

with any women in this bar?

And the man takes a drink and looks at him and says,

because I'm a rapist.

- Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

You know what I could see you doing?

Hosting one of those murder mystery shows,

where you give that deadpan

the whole time. - Yeah.

- Oh, I, I could totally

do something like that.

- Absolutely. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- I mean, my husband here

can point you in the right direction

'cause he does improv every Saturday night

at the Yuks Yard.

- Guilty, guilty.

The Yuks Yard?

Sounds like a real hootenanny.

- It really is. - It is.

- You know, we have a whole troop.

- Yeah. - Um, for instance,

this one time we had about 14 of us in the group.

- Oh, my God< s fqnny. - And we started doing.

Yuk you.

Oh.

- Oh.

Would you look at that?

We're here.

- Wow, yeah, that was fast.

Thank you. - Mm.

- You should totally come tomorrow night.

- It's totally free.

- Yeah, it's just a two drink minimum.

- Mm-hmm, and parking is $20 dollars,

but it's from from 9 to ten,

so if you move your car then you're fine,

but hang onto your ticket if you park

in the lot across the street

because if you lose it's a $100 dollars which is crazy.

And I made that mistake twice, so.

Yeah, it's $220 to get it out of impound.

- Yeah. - Which they

will do to you.

- Yeah. - Sounds

like a plan.

- Good, okay. - Great.

- Alright, we'll see you tomorrow.

- Yuks Yard, 8 o'clock. - Yes, see you tomorrow.

- See you tomorrow, thank you.

- See you tomorrow. - See you tomorrow.

Bye, Jason.

- See you tomorrow. - Bye.

I'd rather set myself on fire.

- Headed on over to my lady's pad.

- Mm. - Well,

gonna Netflix and chill.

If you know what I mean?

Oh, I know exactly

what you mean.

- Good, good.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

We'll, ah, you know, we'll probably just hang out,

cook some dinner, maybe catch a flick, you know?

Sounds like a blast.

You gotta please the ladies.

Am I right?

Yes, indeed.

Yes, indeed.

Exceedingly

so.

She doesn't deserve it.

What?

- You said, she doesn't deserve it.

Oh, I'm not talking about anybody.

Am I?

- Hmm.

So, ah,

you married, Mr.,

Mr.,

Mr. Jason?

No.

Single.

- Hah, that's the way it should be.

Any kids?

I just said I was single, moron.

- Oh, okay.

I mean...

You mean, what?

- You can still have kids and be single.

I have two boys.

Two

little boys.

- Cool.

Cool beans.

How 'bout you?

- Uh, nah.

Nah, just a girlfriend.

Well, good for you.

- Yeah, uh-huh, or at least

she thinks she's my girlfriend.

Go on.

- I mean, don't get me wrong.

I'm a monogamous guy.

But?

- A red-blooded, American male.

Meaning?

- I mean, guys, you know, we're not monogamous.

By our nature.

Hmm.

If you say so.

- Oh, yeah, right here.

Right here's perfect.

Hey, have a good night, man.

You too.

Have fun with your girlfriend or whatever she is.

If you say so.

No, I'm kidding, man.

I'm kidding, have a good one.

You have to, ah, push one it.

Hard.

- Got it.

Hey, ah, if you're not busy later,

can you

pick me up

at this address?

Say at like 10?

Can you do that?

Um, I don't know.

I'm not sure. - Uh.

I'll make it worth your while.

Okay.

- Alright, I'll see you there.

Oh, my God, hi, are you Jason?

Yes, get in.

- Oh, hi, Jason.

Wow, that is so funny.

I have a cousin named Jason.

He doesn't look like you, though.

Oh, small world.

- Hey, buckle up.

- I'm okay, he looks like a safe driver.

- Fine, have it your way.

Last time I saw my cousin, Jason,

we were in Fiji, weren't we, honey?

- Uh-huh. - So we

went to Fiji and, oh, my goodness.

The water and everything, it was so gorgeous.

We went on this excursion,

and our tour guide was this cute little Asian man.

He had a little rice picker hat.

It was just adorable.

I could car less where

you went with your cousin, Jason, bitch.

Wow,

congratulations.

Him and a few million other American men

are all named Jason.

How can this dude put up with this mindless broad?

Look at him on his phone.

He's probably on a dating app trying

to find other women to fool around with in his spare time.

If he has any spare time.

What a moron.

- And my mother inherited my grandmother's ring,

and I'll tell you what,

it was not a small ring, it is huge,

and she was gonna give it to me for my wedding,

but I told her, no, it's better off if my sister takes it.

So my sister has it.

What a great idea.

Two meaningless zoo animals getting together

to live a fantasy dream.

What a nightmare.

How can this idiot handle being with her?

She's babbling.

- And a lotta people say that

was a really humble thing to do on my part,

but that's just who I am as a person.

I bet even if

I don't say another word,

she'll continue on

and on

and on.

- I love giving to charities

and animal rights, that's like my passion.

I think it's just so disgusting what they do to those geese.

You know, to get their, what do you call it?

The, the down feathers?

Ooh, that's disgusting.

Isn't it disgusting, babe?

- Yeah,

right.

I'm listening, babe.

It's disgusting.

- You're shittin' right, it's disgusting.

Ooh.

Wait a minute.

Where are we?

- I had to stop for a moment.

Can you believe this, honey?

- My apologies.

I have to get something out of the trunk.

Thank you for being patient.

You both seem like two very patient individuals.

Especially you, Susie.

- Go.

It's totally cool.

I'm very patient.

I am patient.

It's part of who I am as a person.

- Here,

you both look very thirsty.

Would you like some

water?

- Oh, thank you.

How cute.

Teeny tiny little water bottle.

This kinda reminds me of something, babe.

Doesn't it remind you of something?

- Ha-ha, very funny.

- That is funny.

I'm so funny.

Yeah, I said it, said it was funny.

- You know, I could write a comedy sitcom

and sell it to a network.

I should take one of those improv classes.

Uh, I could do standup.

I bet I would be so good at standup.

Wouldn't I be good?

Ah, yeah.

- Oh, no, you'd, you'd be good.

- That's right.

I'm way funnier then that one fat bitch

from the Comedy Channel.

Mm, mm, mm.

Mm-mm.

Not one sip for you, young man.

You take one sip you'll have to pee pee time in two minutes.

- So, we don't have any ti...

Ow.

Ow, what the hell?

My stomach hurts.

Are you okay?

No, my stomach really hurts.

- Thank you so much, - Ow.

For being patient.

- Yeah, no problem.

- Ow, ow, ow,

ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Are you okay?

- Yeah, it's just my...

- Don't worry.

You'll be home soon.

- Ow, ow. - Shh.

Be quiet, we'll be home soon.

- Shh. - My stomach hurts.

It's probably the shellfish.

It's not the shellfish.

- You had shellfish,

your stomach doesn't hurt.

- That's cause I'm not shellfish like you.

- Not funny.

I'm sorry.

- Ow.

The water.

I just took a sip of water.

It's the water.

- Susie,

water doesn't make your stomach hurt.

- Yes, it does.

- That doesn't make any sense, here look.

No, no, don't do it.

No.

No.

Ow.

It's fine, we're fine.

- Ow, ow, ow.

I think he drugged the water.

- You're ridiculous.

I just took a big gulp and I feel fine.

Hey, driver?

You didn't drug the water, did you?

Me?

- No, the other driver that's driving us around right now.

Huh, you are so smart.

Did you or didn't you?

I would do nothing of the sort.

- See honey, he would do nothing of the sort.

- Ow.

My stomach.

See?

- Ah, it's gotta be the shellfish.

- It's not, you're an idiot.

Oh, my God, it's the water.

- It's finally digesting.

- That's it.

I am calling the cops.

Yes, I'd like to report an emergency.

My boyfriend and I have been drugged by our Hitch driver.

I haven't done anything.

- Susie. - Yes, we live,

uh, yes.

Um. - Susie, you're

overreacting. - Ooh.

Give me your phone.

- No, I'm not giving you my phone.

Get outta here. - Quit being shellfish.

- It's not funny dude.

- Yes, yes, yes.

Um,

yes, he's drugged us.

Get off. - Give me the phone.

- My boyfriend is trying

to rape me. - Give me the phone.

- I live at 407 Highland Hills, please.

- Give me the phone.

Is she okay?

She'll be fine.

My stomach really does hurt, though.

It's probably the shellfish.

Oh, wow, hi.

- Hello there.

- It's weird, I thought you were farther.

- The app does that sometimes.

- Oh,

okay.

- Here's your Hawaiian veggie burger.

- The app told me.

- Oh,

duh.

Okay, thanks, bye.

- Yeah,

no.

My place isn't really like fit for that.

- I'm sure it's not,

but it'll be real quick.

I really have to

urinate.

Pretty please?

- Yeah,

sure.

Um, just excuse the mess.

And be quick.

- Oh, it will only take a minute.

Alright.

Come to mama.

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Yeah.

Shit.

- Uh, aw.

- Shit.

Shut up, shut up you mutt.

Piffin?

Piffin?

Piffin?

Hmm.

Oh, hi.

I don't believe I've ever seen you around here.

Excuse me, I have to get by.

Well, why are you so nervous?

- I have, I've got a rider,

I'm gonna be late.

Really, how... - I'm a Hitch driver.

- Oh, that explains everything.

Leave me alone.

- Fine.

- Dude.

What the hell took you so long?

I apologize.

I was caught up.

- Well, you're gonna make me late for my show.

Again, I, I apologize.

I'm, I'm sorry.

- Well, step on it.

Um, we will get there safe and sound.

Without getting a ticket.

- It's okay, my followers can wait.

Your followers?

Know what?

Spankie?

- I'm Spankie frickin' Valentine.

Oh.

So you're a porn star?

- Wow.

Because that would make sense.

- No.

For your information, I'm a musician.

Oh, a musician.

That's rare.

Especially in LA.

- Oh, and it's so rare you being

a Hitch driver in LA, now isn't it?

I, I was just kidding with you.

What type of music do you perform?

I'm intrigued.

- Oh,

well,

I,

I do pop

and rock

and

hip hop.

Pretty much any style, I like to do it all.

Wow, I'm impressed.

Thank you so

much.

You're welcome so much.

What about me?

- I don't know, do you play any instruments?

I, I used to, not anymore.

- Okay, so, what instrument did you used to play?

- Well... - Wa, wa, wa,

wa, wa, wait.

Let me guess, let me guess.

I got this.

You were totally in a marching band, right?

You figured me out.

- I know, it's, it's totally normal.

Kids like you do the whole marching band scene, I get it.

What do you mean, kids like me?

- I, I'm not trying to be mean.

Oh, no, don't worry.

You won't offend me.

- Well, you know, like, nerdy.

Guilty as charged.

- Hey, I mean, nerds rule the world.

Really, so true. - Yes, they do.

- Like, I was totally just talking

to my boyfriend about this.

Oh.

You have a boyfriend.

- Yes.

Oh, that's too bad.

Means you can't have any fun.

- Oh, honey,

I have more fun than you could possibly imagine.

Really, now?

- Yeah, especially,

I love

hitting on hot Hitch drivers

just

like

you.

- Whatever.

- Oh, come one, I almost had you there.

No, not really.

- Oh, come on, you would have wanted to.

Wanted to what, exactly?

- You know.

It's alright, most guys do.

Wow, you're so modest.

- Well, I mean, when you have

like a couple million followers

and 90% of them are guys, it's kinda hard not to be.

Does your boyfriend know?

- My boyfriend totally knows my demographic.

In fact, he encourages

flirtation and that I wear, you know, like sexy outfits.

It means more merch sales.

Aren't you worried about security?

- Nah.

That's why I got this bad boy.

Hmm.

Here,

have some of this.

- I'm okay.

No, I insist.

- I'm good.

You should really have some water

before your concert.

Teach me what?

This isn't candy.

Same difference.

Whatever you want.

- That's usually how it goes.

- I was only playing.

Hmm.

- Oh, my gosh, I love this song.

Don't you love this song? Turn it up.

♪ A band of angels ♪

♪ Comin' after me ♪

♪ A comin' for to carry me home ♪

♪ To swing low ♪

♪ Sweet chariot ♪

♪ A comin' for to carry me home ♪

♪ Swing low ♪

♪ Sweet chariot ♪

♪ A comin' for to carry me home ♪

♪ I'm sometimes up ♪

♪ And sometimes down ♪

♪ But comin' for to carry me home ♪

♪ But still my soul ♪

♪ Feels heavenly bound ♪

♪ A comin' for to carry me home ♪

♪ A swing low ♪

♪ Sweet ♪

♪ Chariot ♪

♪ Comin' for to carry me ♪

♪ Home ♪

♪ Swing low ♪

♪ Sweet chariot ♪

♪ Comin' for to carry me ♪

♪ Home ♪

♪ I'm sometimes up ♪

♪ And sometimes down ♪

♪ Comin' for to carry me ♪

♪ Home ♪

♪ But still my soul ♪

♪ Is heavenly bound ♪

♪ Comin' for to carry me ♪

♪ Home ♪

♪ Swing low ♪

♪ Sweet ♪

♪ Chariot ♪

♪ Comin for to carry me ♪

♪ Home ♪

♪ Swing low ♪

♪ Sweet ♪

♪ Chariot ♪

♪ Comin' for to carry me ♪

♪ Home ♪

I was worried about you.

- You weren't answering my texts.

- My apologies.

I was busy.

Taking care of things.

- Come to bed.

- I have to be going.

Soon.

- Come here.

Uh-huh.

What's gotten into you?

I like it.

Yes.

- Yeah, alright, get in babe.

Come over here.

Give me some of that sugar, baby.

C'mon, mm,

yeah.

Mmm, baby.

- Mm, days, babe, we talkin' about nights.

And Dave's gonna make you a happy girl tonight, yeah.

Okay, kids, here we are.

Alright, c'mon, let's go, baby.

C'mon, you alright.

You alright.

You alright, just wait right there.

Hey,

here you go.

This is a $50 dollar bill.

- I know.

I just, I need you to come back

to that bar around like, midnight.

Don't have the app on.

Alright, I'll just, I'll be waiting.

- Alright, okay. - Hey, hey.

- Sure, sure, okay. - I'll make it

worth your while.

- Okay. - Promise.

Midnight.

Midnight.

Oh, great.

Trace?

Yeah.

Get in.

Thanks.

It's cold out there, man.

You keepin' it warm in here?

Yes, I am.

- Cool.

Damn.

- I don't know, you ever like,

look up at the stars and

think, you know, maybe we're not alone?

- Whenever I look up at the sky,

I don't see anything.

We live in LA, for chrissakes.

- No, you know what I mean,

like when you go up in the hills,

and you can get away from all this and it's clear.

Oh, you're talking about aliens?

- Yeah, man. - Oh, I think about

them all the time.

Really?

No.

- Well, NASA states that there's hundreds

of billions of galaxies in the universe,

and there's roughly the same amount of habitable planets.

Uh-huh.

- Meaning, out of hundreds of billions

of planets in the known universe,

we're just one tiny spec.

Uh-huh.

- I mean, how can there not be other live out there?

Well, you make a valid point.

What made you think of this?

- I don't know, man.

It's just been on my mind.

Okay.

Yes.

Both.

I have a brother who's

a, a little bit older than me,

and I have a sister who's younger.

- Cool.

You guys get along?

Well, sort of.

Well, I mean, we don't not get along.

- I see.

I mean, we all sort of live our own lives.

- I know what you mean.

Oh?

- Yeah, we're just all so busy.

Exactly.

You got any kids?

I have two boys.

Two

little boys.

- Nice,

nice.

What makes you ask?

- I don't know, I'm just curious, I guess.

Question.

Ah, here it comes.

Wow, that's a really personal question.

- Sorry, man, I'm not meaning to be personal or anything.

I believe in God or a God.

Good for you.

Do you not believe?

I mean, it's cool if you don't.

I have, you know, friends that are atheists.

I was an atheist for awhile.

I believe in the idea of a god,

but I don't believe there's some guy

with a white beard sittin' up in the clouds

and sendin' people to Hell for stupid reasons.

Oh, you know, like, jerkin' you gherkin'.

- Huh,

yeah, huh.

I don't know man, Heaven and Hell

are a whole other topic for me.

Now listen, let's stick to aliens.

- Sure.

I mean, if there any aliens

then I, I hope they're vastly superior to humans.

It shouldn't be that hard.

- I don't know, we are like

the most intelligent beings in the known universe.

That's a scary thought.

- I guess, but think about all that man has accomplished.

I mean, goin' to space, building the Great Wall of China,

Pyramids in Egypt.

Slave labor.

It's great.

- Yeah, but think about how far we've come,

and how far we'll go.

The possibilities are endless.

I really feel like we're moving backwards

rather than forwards.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, take cellphones for instance.

Everybody's glued to these cellphones.

I pick up a passenger,

the ride's 20 minutes long,

they're glued to their phone the entire length of the ride.

I remember a time when people used

to communicate with each other.

When people used to engage with one another.

I remember a time when your neighbors

would leave their doors open,

and you could come over at anytime you wanted to.

- Yeah, man, but look at all the stuff

you can do on cellphones that we couldn't do before.

Like order a pizza by just tapping a few times.

I mean, it's like magic.

We've been able to do that for decades.

It's called picking up a phone and placing an order.

- Like, dude, I don't know.

Did something like happen to you when you were younger

that just made you give up and lose hope?

I haven't lost all hope.

Well, it doesn't sound like it.

I'm just observing.

I mean, take that guy for an example.

Oh, he's texting while driving.

If that isn't a manslaughter case waiting to happen,

I, I don't know what is.

People are so tuned out,

they have no idea of their surroundings.

The majority of them are morons.

- Hmm, see that's why once in a while

I get away from it all.

Oh, really?

- I unplug.

I go out into the wilderness.

A guy like you out in the wilderness?

- Yeah.

I can't even picture

a guy like me out in the wilderness.

See, what are you complaining about?

I'm not complaining.

I'm observing.

- Well, believe it or not,

camping can lead to some very valuable insights.

More people should be like you.

You're quite the model citizen.

- You know, I think they are.

They just kinda put up this front

for other people to make them think

they live a certain way and they're so happy.

Especially out here in LA.

Now that's deep.

- Look, when people see me,

they get a whole different idea about me.

I can't imagine.

- They see this gothic, emo, pussy boy.

Well, I, I mean, when you walked to the door,

you looked like Bela Lugosi

on his way to a Transylvania party.

You don't really scream out,

hey, come here and give me a hug.

Touche.

But you know, when people get to know me,

they see that I'm actually just like them.

But you're not like them.

I'm not?

You don't look like them.

You don't act like them.

Most people arekjudgEmeotal.

- Well, yeah, I'm judgemental too,

but I don't know, you know what I mean.

Yeah, but...

- Just, what I'm saying is just because I look like this

doesn't mean that I'm a bad guy.

It just means you're misunderstood.

- I mean, I wouldn't even go that far.

Hey, I'm up here to the right.

Oh.

Well,

thank you for taking the time

to have a meaningful conversation with me.

- No problem, man.

Ah, hey, if you ever need anything, um, here's my card.

Okay.

- Well, off to work, hmm.

You work here?

- Yeah.

Got the graveyard shift.

Drive safe.

I'll try.

Are you Jason?

I should be.

- Thanks.

Adorbs little hula girl, isn't she?

Thank you.

- I was being sarcastic.

Oh.

- You just thought that was adorable, didn't you?

Like you didn't even think about like,

the raping and pillaging of like the continent of Hawaii?

Hmm.

I didn't realize Hawaii was a continent.

No.

No.

At Goodwill.

It was a good find.

- So, you're not gonna take it down because

like it was a really good find at Goodwill?

I didn't think it would offend anyone.

- Well, you as a white,

privileged male should know that

that is very offensive to some people.

So now you're judging me?

- I'm not judging you.

I don't judge,

but you're obviously ignorant

because you didn't even know

about the raping and pillaging of Hawaii.

What do you want me to say?

- I don't want you to say anything.

I just want you to take down

your little sexualized hula girl.

Not gonna happen.

You can gi6e me ond star if you want.

- Huh, I will do more than give you a one star.

Cool, um, you can get off here.

- No, I'd like you to take me to my destination.

Oh, sure.

I'll totally do that.

- Gee, thanks.

I'm not quite sure why my beautiful

Hawaiian hula princess offends you.

- Yeah, worst thing in the world

is if someone takes away your little hula tramp.

Pretty funny.

The real comedy is how much you're offended by it.

- I'm getting offended because this

is something that hurts and effects me.

How does it effect you again?

- It's offensive.

How many times do I have to tell you,

you ignorant little twat?

You look thirsty.

Looks like you could use some

water.

- Oh, a thirsty girl like you should stay hydrated.

- Alright, look bitch.

Maybe your other little hula whores

would fall into your little thirst trap.

- You think that all women are just toys.

I didn't say that.

- That's what you're saying

by failing to take that stupid doll down.

That we're all just toys for boys to play with.

Exactly.

- Wow.

I care way too much for you to have such an obnoxious doll.

That's sad, actually.

- It's not sad, it's important.

It's pathetic.

- It's not pathetic.

Can I have your name, please?

The name is in the app.

- No, smart ass, your full name.

Jason.

Palmer.

- Thank you.

You're the worst passenger I've ever had on Hitch.

- Huh, I feel special.

It's pathetic that

you're taking offense to a doll.

- Women

are not dolls.

Women are not dolls.

This

is a doll.

- That is a disrespectful object that you have in your car,

and you

as a

fat,

white,

privileged male

should know better that some people

might find that offensive.

You want me to pull it off the dash?

- No. - It's Super Glued.

- I'm just saying, you could just maybe

set it down for like a second.

You should know that not all passengers

are going to find that amusing,

and you're gonna experience

this again, by the way, and again.

Jokay.

- So,

I hope

that like from this lesson.

What was the lesson again?

That you're a bitch?

Oh,

cool lesson.

- I'm not a bitch.

You're not pleasant now are you?

- Ah-ho, so now I haven't been pleasant enough

to the little fat man who's driving me.

I've been nothing but pleasant to you.

- Bee-tee-dubs, I've been recording this the entire time.

I'm super excited.

Oh,

dope.

- You're gonna be on the World Wide Web.

Cool, I always wanted to be an internet sensation.

- It'll be hilar.

I'm ending this ride now.

You can call another Hitch if you want to.

- No, you can take me all the way to my house.

I'm, I'm ending the ride now.

Here's the sidewalk.

Have a wonderful night.

- Thank you.

I'm super excited.

Can I have your name again, please?

No.

- I want your name.

Give me your name again.

Look, please exit my vehicle.

- Fine, then I'll just stay here.

Please, get out of my vehicle.

- No, I won't.

Why don't you just call the police?

Why don't you just call 911

about how I won't get out of your car?

This is my vehicle,

and I am telling you to get out.

- Fine.

Here's what I'll do instead then.

- Don't come any closer to me, freak.

R, rape,

rape, no, no, no.

- Aloha, bitch.

Oh, my God, I'm so lit.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, God,

me too.

Here we are.

C'mon, baby, let me go show you my yacht, mmm.

Here you go, man.

You, you, you really don't have to.

- Huh,

it's good.

Just take it.

Look, just, can you come back again?

What happened to the first girl?

- I dumped her.

Oh, so she was your girlfriend?

- I don't mean to be rude, alright,

but I'm not paying you to ask questions.

Just come back in about two hours.

I don't know.

Just once more.

I'm not sure about this.

- This time I'll really make it worth your while.

If you say so.

- Alright, my man, two hours.

- [Anchor Michael Buckley] Who wore it best,

Amy Toomer or Cassie the Lassie,

find out next on the fall fashion fail of the week.

Ah, Los Angeles, city of dreams.

The beaches,

the glam,

the celebrities,

the traffic.

Getting around this town can sure be a hassle.

We're here to help.

Our experienced drivers and our hybrid electric fleet

will... - Breaking news.

Social media celebrity, Spankie Valentine

1067 01:01:36,890 --%sE 013A11:38,949 never showed up to her concert tonight

and is apparently missing.

The social media icon was last seen on Snap in her Hitch,

in what appears to be on the way to her show.

These two photos are the last we heard from her.

The first one says my hitch driver is making me late.

The next one says his name is Jason,

give him one star, thumbs down emoji.

This guy Jason looks like a creep, if you ask me.

If you see or have any information on this driver.

Ah, move over, dude.

Oops, sorry.

Just sit in the front, dude.

Yeah, go in the front, you big dick.

Too late, sandwich party.

Oh, not again.

Oh, man.

- Hey, you look like that guy on the news.

- Oh, that guy.

Oh, that guy.

I beg your pardon?

It's been all over the news.

There's like this Hitch Driver Killer

or Hitch Killer Driver, whatever.

They sent like a sigalert out.

Didn't you get one?

Oh, is there now?

- Yeah, and it's funny, you kinda match the description.

Oh, well that's mumbo jumbo.

- We're just messin' with ya, man.

Hey, look it up.

Look it up.

- Dude, he's the killer.

He's totally the killer.

Dude, I think he actually is the killer.

- I know, dude, that's what I just told him.

Okay, okay, what was the killer's name?

Do you remember him, do you remember?

- Ah, it was Jason.

- The app said Justin.

- No.

- Well, check the app, dude.

- Okay, jeez. - Yeah, c'mon.

- Give me a second. - C'mon, hurry up.

I'm on like one percent.

- It's ah,

it's dead.

Oh, what'd we do?

- Nothing, we do nothing.

We act

calm,

and we be

cool.

- Calm and cool, yeah, I can do.

Oh, I can't do this, I'm way too hammered.

Too hammered for what exactly?

- Not, not, even to hammer, what, nothing.

- How sure are you his name was Justin on the app?

- Pretty sure.

That's not gonna cut it.

Why don't we ask him his name?

That's a novel idea.

- Okay.

- Okay. - Let's do it.

Let's do it. - Let's do it.

- Let's do it. - Yeah.

- Let's do it. - Let's do it.

- That's what I said, let's do it.

- Okay, so ask him his name.

- You, you ask him.

- You ordered the Hitch, not me.

- I think Ed should ask.

Does it not say in your app?

- Yeah, but this guy's an idiot and his phone died.

- Huh, yeah, I'm an idiot.

My phone died.

- Yeah, dumb ass. - Just, you know, curious.

It's okay.

My name is Justin.

- I can't tell if you're messing with us.

Is he messing with us?

- I can't tell.

Why would I be messing with you?

- Because you're a psycho killer,

dude. - Ed.

- I mean, just kidding.

Dude, he's definitely the killer.

- 100%.

- Nothing.

We do nothing.

- He's one dude.

We're three dudes.

We could totally take him.

Sure.

- Yeah, just a little louder.

Just, turn it up, turn it up.

That's as loud as it goes.

- He doesn't have a gun.

- Yeah, but he might have a gun.

- Because killers have guns.

He doesn't have a gun.

- Stop, stop, stop. - Well, I think we should

check, he might have one. - Don't think, no, nobody's,

- He might have one hid. Got, nobody,

nobody's got a gun. - Boys, I don't have a gun.

My name is Justin.

I'm not the killer.

As you said for yourself, the killer's name is Jason.

You have nothing to worry about.

- I thought you said you didn't

know anything about it? - Okay, yeah, it's cool.

You know what, I'm sorry, man, we're just a little tipsy.

Our bad.

No worries.

We're only five minutes away.

Here,

have some waters.

- Thanks.

- Dude, du, du, du, du, dude, don't drink that.

Don't drink that.

- No, dude, what if it's

rape water?

- Uh, uh-hum, yeah, yeah, yeah, rape water.

It's water people give you so they can rape you.

- Dude, I'm takin' my chances.

- Dude, if you end up in a gutter with a sore butt hole,

that is one you.

Ah, hey, listen man, ah, it looks like actually,

this is great, you can just drop us off here,

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, just right up the street, right here.

- Strange, the app says we're five minutes away.

- No, you know, that's wrong.

Maps are stupid, this is the bar.

- Uh-huh. - This, this isn't the bar.

Ow, what did you do that for?

- You can just pull over here.

Thank you.

Are you sure?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is great.

This is great.

- Oh,

okay.

Have a great night.

- Great, thanks, man.

- Thanks.

- Thanks. - Get out of the car,

get out of the car. - Alright, alright.

So, yeah, that was definitely the killer.

- No, shit, Sherlock.

- Yes.

- But he said his name was Justin.

The app said his name was Justin.

I'm pretty sure... - He said his name was Justin.

So his name must be Justin?

I say my name is Josh,

and I'm a huge dip shit.

- Yeah, but you're not Josh.

I'm Josh.

- Do you really think he's gonna roll up to us

and be like, hey guys, my name's Jason,

the serial killer Hitch driver?

I'm a murderer.

Welcome to your nightmare.

- Oh, that's a good point, yeah.

So, let's just get to a bar,

find you a charger, turn your phone on,

and then we can report this son of a bitch.

- Wait, give, give me a sec.

- Uh,

Jesus Christ.

- Jesus.

Yes.

Crazy.

- Yeah, man, I feel sorry for whoever

Hitch driver's car.

Likewise.

- I mean, I, I, I, honestly,

I wasn't even gonna get one with all

the hubbub and shit goin' on.

But you decided to anyway?

- Yeah, man, I mean, I'm starving.

I don't have anymore food at home,

and I haven't eaten all day, so.

So you decided to go grocery shopping

at one in the morning?

- Hey, man, I mean, when you gotta eat,

you gotta eat and, and plus,

I mean, if I was to ride with that Hitch driver,

he wouldn't be able to fool me like he does everybody else.

Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, man, I mean, apparently

he's giving people drugged up waters.

Really?

- Mm-hmm, so rule number one,

don't drink the damn water the Hitch driver gives you.

That sounds like a great strategy.

- It's simple.

Would you like a.

Gummi Bear?

- Mm, I love Gummi Bears, thank you.

But anyway, if I were to get killed,

I aint goin' out like no bitch.

I'm goin' down like a badass.

How does one go out like a badass?

- I don't know, like,

what if he sets me on fire and throws me off a cliff?

And you don't feel like that's overkill?

- Uh-oh, we got some heat on our tail.

I see that.

- Hope he don't pull us over.

Now, why would they do that?

- You never know nowadays, man.

It's not lookin' good for you, man.

Look, will you shut up?

- Oh, oh, man, just,

just chill.

- No problem, license and registration, please?

- I'm not not cooperating, sir.

- No deal, he, um,

he just had a, a long night.

- No, sir, I, I, in fact, I'll probably

go a few more hours, actually.

- Look, we can do this the easy way

or the hard way, your choice.

- Officer of the law, is, is that a threat?

Okay, okay.

- Hold on a sec.

- No.

Answer me, you ever been arrested?

- Yes, once.

What for?

- Trespassing.

- We were ghost hunting.

- I was 17.

- Now don't get smart with me, buddy.

- I'm not, I'm not.

I'm 42, sir.

- You don't look 42.

- Thank you.

- That wasn't a compliment.

- Look, sir, I really need to get him home.

On a hunch, it doesn't look

like he's in a rush.

- Regardless, I'm on the clock.

- Don't you get more money, ah, for a longer ride?

- I do, but if I take too long it can effect my score.

- 4.91. $0D%A1714 - Hmm.

Why not five?

- Because five is unattainable.

Look sir, no offense,

but don't you have anything better to do?

- As a matter of fact, I don't.

Look, if you must know,

you fit the description of somebody we've been looking for.

%0@- What,

a fat guy in a car?

- It has nothing to do with your weight.

- No, I get it, I understand now.

You're looking for a fat guy,

and you see me driving around in this vehicle,

so automatically

you assume that... - Look, if you gotta know,

your car fits the description of what we're looking for.

- Oh, my car, so since I'm the only fat person

who's driving a Prius around Los Angeles

at one in the morning,

you're automatically gonna

pull me over, even though... - I don't have to be

the nice guy, here.

Do you call this being the nice guy, sir?

- Yeah, I call this being nice.

- Look, are you gonna give me a ticket or not?

- Get outta here.

Have a nice night.

- Thank you, sir.

- I'd like to mention that, ah,

you shouldn't be driving this thing

around here at this hour.

A lot of weirdos.

- Yes, sir, I won't sir.

- And clean out that glove compartment of yours.

It's a mess.

- Yes, sir.

You, you fell asleep.

- Ah, man, I feel weird.

Well you said you hadn't eaten in a while.

- Yeah, man, but, I mean, not only that,

like, shh,

mm.

Uh-oh, we're almost to your destination.

Long enough.

What cop?

Oh, ah, he went the other way.

- Okay, I see.

And here we are.

- Ah. - Have a good night.

- Ah, you too.

Ah, hold on, ah, would you mind just waiting on me?

Like 10 or 15 minuter?0D!0A 1367 01:15:212C78 -> 01:15:24,939 Unfortunately, I don't get paid to wait.

- Well, look, I got a $20 dollar bill

with your name on it,

if you could just wait for me?

Fine.

- You the man.

Friday night.

TGIF.

I can't think of a more pathetic excuse

of an existence than to live every week for the Friday.

Hopeless men and women, young and old,

are out looking to score.

Or worse, find their significant other.

Getting drunk, stoned,

loaded, lit.

Looking to take part of a fiesta of flesh.

Irreparable consequences that could last a lifetime.

Or at least 18 years.

Or at least $300 dollars of which

you have to borrow from your aunt,

who made the same mistake 20 years ago.

This is the definition of our generation.

To go out and get shit faced,

and come back and do it again week after week.

Doing whatever it takes to avoid

the mundane and arduous stresses of everyday life.

We are not taught to handle our shit.

We are taught to blame,

and then beg, borrow,

steal

just to further our careers for a bump in our salaries,

but I digress.

I'm no saint.

I'm a slave to the wheel.

Chauffeuring around these grown adolescents.

But this is what separates myself from the rest.

I do this because I choose to do this.

Not because another has told me where to work,

when to work,

and how much money to make.

I am doing this out of the sheer generosity of my being.

I am giving them the opportunity

to end their suffering much sooner,

than drawing out their existences

as peons for decades.

Spawning more drones.

Hello, can I interest you

in trying the New Double Tasty Jalapeno Burger today?

- Um, no, thank you.

I'd like a double cheeseburger and a large cola.

Please,

and thank you.

And can I interest you

in trying the New Double Tasty Jalapeno Burger today, sir?

- Still no.

That'll be all.

Thank you.

Okay, $3.69 at the next window.

- Thank you.

Really?

Jesus Christ.

Hey?

Hey?

Hey?

What do you want?

- Quarter.

- Hold on.

Oh, yeah.

- I have a dollar.

Will a dollar work?

- Damn.

Dolla's mighty fine.

Oh.

Thank you.

- Yeah.

Hey?

You're a good man.

- Well,

you don't know me.

But thanks.

This eye,

don't lie.

- Okay, God bless.

Yo, what's up man,

how you doin, bro? - Yo, good to see you, man.

- Good to see you too, man.

- I'm just getting some groceries and what not.

- Oh, yeah, I'm about to head in there real quick,

but, hey, you been hearing what's been going on lately?

- Bro, yes, craziness. - Oh, that's just so crazy,

I'm only driving my own damn car from now on.

- That's right sane. - Duh, I don't have the time,

Okay? - Right, exactly.

- I would never like.

Wait.

Really?

- Damn, yeah, just a...

- Sorry, I mean, shit, I was, I was hungry.

- God, you know you could have asked me for a ride.

- I know, man, I mean,

it's right up the street though.

It's fine. - Listen, Bro, literally,

I'll be ten minutes.

I'll be in and out,

and I can drive you home.

- Bro, honestly, I don't even think I can wait that long.

Ten minutes?

- Ah, I am starving.

Oh, my.

It's fine man, he's chill.

It's whatever.

- You're seriously about to get in that Prius?

- You know the killer drives a Prius.

Okay, yeah, and literally

every other Hitch driver in the greater Los Angeles area.

Is everything okay?

Ah, yeah, it's, everything's good.

I'm sorry, I'll be right there in a second.

- He looks

like a killer.

- Shh,

uh.

- Just give me five minutes.

I'll be in and out.

- Just chill, bro. - You don't to have to wait.

- Like five minutes. - Just, just, chill, man.

Look, I appreciate you, look, check it out, check it out.

I'll hit you when I get to the house.

How 'bout that?

- Man, alright, I just don't wanna wake up

and see you on the news.

- You won't bro, I promise. - You know, as dead.

- Alright, man. - Alright, man.

- Appreciate you, man. - Alright, man.

- Take it easy, man. - Later.

Is everything okay?

- Oh, yeah, sorry about that.

It's just my friend being worried as always.

Did you get all the groceries you needed?

- Oh, my gosh, yes.

I cannot wait to get home and cook this stuff.

Well, if you're hungry now,

there's still some Gummi Bears for you.

Hell, yes.

Thank you.

- Tremain,

you really need to listen to your friends more.

Don't blame me.

This was your idea.

What the hell?

Get back, get back here.

- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Keep on going.

I think I got it.

- Oh, man, I just had to get outta there.

Well, what, what the hell just happened?

- Ran into one of mix ex's, and, hah,

woo, she was not happy.

- Hmm.

- Look, thanks for giving me a ride though, man.

Sorry for putting you through this.

I sort of feel like an accomplice.

- No, nah, nothing like that.

So you saw an ex,

and the bouncers chased you out the door?

- Well, I mean, she lied to them.

Told them I was harassing her.

Were you?

- No, of course not.

I mean, she's just a bitch, skank, whore.

Here we are.

- Ah, thanks, man.

So you gonna come up for a drink?

You know, I'd rather not.

- Alright, c'mon.

I mean, you owe it to yourself.

Look, you work hard all day.

I should be going home.

- This is my last night in LA.

True.

However.

Before I forget,

here.

This is an insane amount of money.

- Look, I have more money than I know what to do with.

Just one drink.

I do owe it to myself.

- Yes, you do.

You deserve it.

You earned it.

Now didn't you?

C'mon?

You know you want to.

You know you want to.

- Oh, okay.

Sure, why not?

- Awesome.

My brother, let's drink.

C'mon, my yacht's right this way.

Special drink for you.

It's my family recipe.

You're gonna like it.

Promise.

We're here.

This definitely belongs to his father.

Welcome aboard.

- Wow. - I know.

Thank you.

Oh, man, what is your drink of choice, my friend?

What is your poison?

- Oh,

liquor is

liquor.

No.

Let me help.

I need you to taste this,

1583 01:28:13,;70 -,%;E 01:28:15,579 and then tell me again

that liquor is

liquor.

Swish that around for a minute.

Ah.

- That's exquisite.

- That is is.

That it is.

I'm gonna make us a drink.

Something special.

It's my family recipe called the Legend.

- Sounds, ah,

legendary.

That it is my friend.

That it is.

I'll tell you what, you go check out the view.

- Yeah.

- It's up there.

Drinks are ready.

- Wow.

This really is quite a boat.

- Ah, I know.

I know.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, they just, they leave 'em here, you know?

- Hmm. - I'll tell you what,

nah, you want it.

Take it.

It's yours.

- Smells like a good year.

- 2001.

That's your drink, right there.

Hmm, you know what,

I'm actually just learning Spanish, so, uh,

let me give it a go, I have

I have this cheer that I just learned.

Aribba,

abajo,

al centro,

al dentro.

And we drink.

- Salud. - Salud.

Ah. - Gracias.

Mm.

- Mm.

Oh, this is incredible.

- Legendary.

- Legends.

- Legendary it is, my friend.

Just a splash, that's all you need.

- Alright. - Chill it down

just a bit.

To.

New friends.

- To

nuevos

amigos.

Alright.

- Bottoms up.

- Oy, bottoms up.

Ah.

- Ah. - The perfection, every time.

- Yes.

Hmm.

How are you feeling?

Dizzy?

- Oh.

- You little shit.

You thought you were better than me?

You thought you knew

how to take me out?

Don't you

try

to be the boss?

I'm the new captain of this ship.

Adios,

amigo.

Every night he's with a new chick.

Never seen him with the same chick twice.

- One of those yachts over there.

He claims it's the largest one.

- Copy that.

They're onto me.

- Let's take a look at it.

- Jesus Christ.

I'll call it in.

- It was only a matter

of time.

- This time I have a reason.

Eh, just let me get something real quick.

- I didn't know you had tattoos.

Oh.

Oh, wait.

No.

- Come out, with your hands up.

Come out with your hands up.

Get your hands up.

- Hands up.

Right there, hands up.

- Higher. - Don't take another step.

Get on the ground.

On the ground.

- Down on the ground, god damn it.

Handcuff him.

What's going on?

Shut the fuck up.

Get up.

Off...

Head down.

Get in there.

- The other off... (door slamming shut.

Yes.

Which one, brothers or sisters?

Both.

I have a brother who's a, a little bit older than me.

Hayhoe Studios.

♪ Have no fear ♪

♪ When you call my line ♪

♪ I'll be there right on time ♪

♪ We'll go places ♪

♪ You don't wanna go ♪

♪ With a driver you'll never know ♪

♪ So open the door ♪

♪ And come inside ♪

♪ Just sit back there's no need to be shy ♪

♪ Ride share ♪ ♪ Ride share ♪

♪ Just let me be your guide ♪

♪ Ride share ♪ ♪ Ride share ♪

♪ Hope this won't be ♪

♪ Your last ride ♪

♪ There's no turning back ♪

♪ Once you get in my car ♪

♪ But don't you worry ♪

♪ We don't have to go far ♪

♪ Out in the woods ♪

♪ Where no one can see ♪

♪ And you'll be all ♪

♪ Alone with me ♪

♪ So open the door ♪

♪ And come inside ♪

♪ Just sit back ♪

♪ There's no need to be shy ♪

♪ Ride share ♪ ♪ Ride share ♪

♪ Just let me be your guide ♪

♪ Ride share ♪ ♪ Ride share ♪

♪ Hope this won't be ♪

♪ Your last ride ♪

♪ Ride share ♪ ♪ Ride share ♪

♪ Hope this won't be ♪

♪ Your last ride ♪

♪ A ride share ♪

♪ Late night, I'm drinking ♪

♪ Shouldn't drive ♪

♪ Pull up the ride share ♪

♪ So I'll be sure to arrive alive ♪

♪ This guy seems creepy ♪

♪ Something 'bout his eyes ♪

♪ But I'm drunk ♪

♪ What do I know ♪

♪ I'm sure it's fine ♪

♪ Hitch me up on a ride share ♪

♪ Closest driver, the best care ♪

♪ Hitch me up on a ride share ♪

♪ The closet driver, the best care ♪

♪ Hitch me up on a ride share ♪

♪ May I get there ♪