All language subtitles for Lucky.13.2005.WEBRip.x264-ION10

(Young Zack)
Why do we do the things we do?

My friend says who we are
has something to do

with our parents'
favorite sexual position.

What if that was true?

You'd have the nice girl
and her parents.

[Moaning]

[Giggling]

(Young Zack)
The angry guy...

[Honking]
move your ass!

...and his parents.

[Grunting]

(Young Zack)
The confused

and their parents.

[Moaning]

Oh, yeah, I'm coming.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

(Man)
me, too.

(Young Zack)
And then there's my parents.

Did you come?

Maybe it's
the early experiences.

Those defining moments.

(Mrs. Baker)
Here.

I don't think
we'll ever know for sure.

[Birds chirping]

But one thing I did know

was that Abbey
was magnificent.

I'll always remember
the first thing
she said to me.

Want to seesaw?

All I had to say was--

I'll seesaw
with you.

I watched her seesaw
for an hour straight.

I didn't want her to speak.

I didn't want her
to have to stop smiling.

[Laughing]

Whoa!

Zachary, put your things
back where they belong!

[Door closing]

Want a hot dog?

(Young Zack)
Abbey had a great smile.

It was even better
than the coolmint girl.

I'm very confident
kissing Dan
after brushing

with new peppermint-flavored
kissable coolmint.

It makes me smile.

Stop kissing
the television!

Uh-huh.

(Young Zack)
Almost everyone
had an imaginary friend.

Some had superheroes,
angels, Gandhi.

I had the coolmint girl.

Yeah, I'll hold.

I think it was
because of her teeth.

Teeth I could understand.

When I saw a lot of them,
it meant someone was happy.

When I didn't see any teeth,
it meant someone wasn't.

Where did I come from?

Uh, no.

Did I come out
of the bellybutton?

Is that where I came from?
Mom!

It's the vagina, all right?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

(Young Zack)
Vagina.

Vagina.

Va-gi-na.

(Man on tape)
Be strong.

Be confident.

Repeat after me:
I'm a good-looking man.

♪[Music playing]

[Sighing]

I'm a good-looking man.

Dad?

[Music stops]

How did I get here?

And where's the vagina?

(Woman)
the sperm's journey begins...

(Mr. Baker)
Sperm. You see 'em
swimming there?

...ejaculation occurs.

Now that's what we are.

One of those is you.

...are imperfect
or deformed in some way.

(Young Zack)
One day, something happened.

Want a chicken kebab?

I made a friend.

(Mrs. Baker)
Put your shoes in your room!

(Young Zack)
Over the years, things
are supposed to change.

(Zack)
and that's true for some.

[Baby crying]

How is it

that a lost cat
can find its way home,

even if
he's 100 miles away?

(Zack)
but from what I know...

Hey, you!

...nothing ever changed.

Especially my problem
with girlfriends.

♪ 2 of hearts

♪ 2 hearts
that beat as one ♪

♪ 2 of hearts

♪ I need you, I need you

♪ 2 of hearts

♪ 2 hearts
that beat as one ♪

♪ 2 of hearts

♪ come on, come on

♪ I never said I wasn't
gonna tell nobody ♪

Yes!

[Exclaiming]

You wanna fuck
or you wanna make love?

You feeling it?

[Whispering]
you getting hot?

Come on, Baker.
Say something sexy.

[Moaning]

Did you ever think about...

Yeah.

...death?

(Zack)
everyone has their own way
of ending a relationship.

Me, I took personal mementos
from my girlfriends

and threw them off a pier.

♪[88 lines about 44 women
by the nails playing]

♪ Well, Rhonda had a house
in venice ♪

♪ lived on brown rice
and cocaine ♪

♪ Patty had a house
in Houston ♪

♪ chocolate syrup
in her veins ♪

♪ Linda thought
her life was empty ♪

♪ filled it up with alcohol

♪ Catherine was
much too pretty ♪

♪ she didn't do that
shit at all ♪

♪ uh-uh, not Catherine

♪ pauline thought
that love was simple ♪

♪ turn it on and turn it off

♪ Jean-Marie was complicated

♪ like some
French film maker's plot ♪

♪ Jackie was
a rich punk rocker ♪

♪ silver spoon
and a paper plate ♪

(Abbey)
lost another one, huh?

(Zack)
yeah.

How many is that?

I don't know, 8 or 9.

[Chuckling]

Try 19.

Abbey, it's 12.

[Chuckling]

Very provocative there,
Seth.

What do you know
about art?

Plenty.

[Snorting]

There. why don't you
put that in your exhibit?

[Laughing]

[Cell phone ringing]

This is Seth.

(Joey)
it's Joey. What's up?

(Zack)
what's he doing
back in bloomfield?

You rekindling
old flames, Abbey?

Oh, yeah, you know.

We kissed on the seesaw
in kindergarten.

Yeah?

Was he hot?

Yeah, bleckman,
he was real hot.

At 6.

[Laughing]

You're taking this
pretty personal, Abbey.

What's he doing?
Is he buying your art?

Actually,

he o-offered me a deal.

And, uh,

I'm gonna take it.

I'm moving to New York.

Oh.

That's, uh...

That's so

fucking horrible.

(Bleckman)
what are you talking about?

2 girls drinking
soda pop,

they don't want to be
bothered.

2 girls drinking beer,
they're looking
for witty conversation.

2 girls drinking
hard alcohol,

they got problems
you don't want to
know about.

2 girls
with frozen beverages

with little pink umbrellas
sticking out of them?

[Snorts]

They're looking
for action.

And I'm not
talking about

going to a movie.

♪[Music playing]

You know, you girls
are breaking the law.

You're too damn h-h-h-hot

to be drinking alone.

So me and my friend here

are gonna have to, uh,
rectify the situation.

♪ Take it from me

I mean, like,
look at the wood in here.

[Doorbell chiming]

Hi.

You can't leave, Abbey.

Are you drunk?

D-do you-- do you
remember the seesaw?

Do you remember
the chicken kebab?

Yeah.

Why?

[Chuckles]

You are drunk.

Yes.

[Laughing]

Um, when do you leave?

Oh, Monday.

Sunday. 8:00.
Let's go out.

You and me.

Ok.

[Door closing]

You left me, buddy.
You left me for dead.

What did I miss?

Only the biggest night
of my life.

Look at me.
I never went home.

Yes, you did.
You didn't change.

All right.
Ok, what happened?

Spit it out.

Something happened.
I can see
the wheels turning.

You know, you go through
these stages every time.

Denial,

self-doubt,
confusion.

Textbook neurosis.
You're depressed, Zack.

Don't feel bad.
You're not alone.

You know, they said in 1987,

that auto mechanics
consumed more Prozac

than any other
blue-collar occupation.

All the grease and oil
got into the pores
of their skin,

sinking down,
cutting off their--

I went to Abbey's
last night.

You passed up
the Margarita girls
to go to Abbey?

I asked her out on a date.

What do you mean, a date?

Oh, no. What'd she say?

Yes.

You know this perfect girl
your whole life,

but you never go for her.

Then suddenly you realize
it's over,

it's too late,
you've lost your chance.

And all these emotions
start to surface.

It's very common
with a sensitive,

type-b personality.

It's too late.
Forget about her.

Now, that's--that's
cosmo's
advice.

What?

Look, you wanna go on safari,
you read
national geographic.

You wanna bake
a--a fucking pancake,

you read
Martha Stewart.

You wanna know about women,
you read
cosmo.

Look. you wanted
to know about women.

Here I am.

Ok.

She doesn't
take me seriously.

So you tell me.
What am I doing wrong?

For starters, Baker,

you don't know
how to come on to a woman.

Maybe you could give him
a few pointers.

[Horn blaring]

See? a woman likes
to be manhandled.

They like their men strong.

Maybe Toni has a point.

Maybe I'm not manly enough.

She's the one
that wants to be more manly.

What are you worried about?
You're in your prime.

Manager of an up-and-coming
auto shop.

You got your own pad.

You're a man.

(Mrs. Baker)
Zachary!

Zachary!

Go pick up Penelope.

She must be worried sick.

(Doris)
here's your Penelope!

(Zack)
thanks, Doris.

[Dog whimpering]

(Doris)
hi, dawn.

[Dog barking]

[Cat meowing]

Dawn Kramer?

Do I know you?

Zack Baker.

We kissed.

Bloomfield elementary.

You were my first.

How you doin'?

How was I?

You were
scared shitless.

[Cat yowling]

What does she know?

You can learn a lot
about yourself
from other people.

If that's what you believe,
then go to therapy.

At least you'd be talking
to a professional.

You ever been
to therapy?

Of course not.

I think women
are great.

Sweet little
innocent creatures.

Then they bloom.
Ravenous serpents.

Sinking its fangs.
Ripping out your heart.

Devouring your soul,
leaving you for dead!

Dead!

You sit there for hours.

You tell a complete stranger
everything.

All the way down to
how you used to jerk off

to
little house
on the prairie.

Then, they sit there,

stare at you
like they understand.

What do they know?

All they got
is a plaque on the wall.
They don't know me.

Yeah. if I was gonna
listen to someone,

it wouldn't be some girl
that I kissed 15 years ago.

It'd be one of the chicks
I'm doing now.

[Birds chirping]

A lot of girls know me.

It's a grizzly bunch.

I could talk to them.

I could
ask them questions.

I'd have to learn
something, right?

You're not serious.

Who was it that said,
"if you really
want to know a man,

ask the women in his life"?

I don't know. Some loser?

I got the whole weekend.

(Bleckman)
hey, I can tell you
everything you need to know.

I'm talking about learning
what a woman wants,

from a woman.

Finally, all these
fucked-up relationships

are gonna
amount to something.

Even if they could help,
and that's a big if,

what makes you think
they'd talk to you?

Most of them hate you.

Women don't carry grudges.
Time heals wounds.

Yeah.

Abbey's gonna see
a different side of me.

You can't change.
Not in 3 days.

Oh, people change
all the time.

I just wanna learn how.

Would you rather drown
or get eaten by a shark?

Shark.
I'll take the shark.

Drowning would give me
too much time to think.

Hmm.

I have this fear.

I'm in this plane
that crashes into the ocean.

I barely survive this
horrible traumatic experience,

and everybody's screaming,
you know,

and trying to get out
of this big,
mangled piece of metal.

I manage to slip
through a window,

completely covered
in shrapnel,

and then I get eaten
by a shark.

[Chuckling]

[Birds twittering]

(Mrs. Baker)
Oh, there you are.

I have another sweater
for you.

Mom, do you know
where my yearbook--

ask your father.

[Knocking on door]

(Mr. Baker)
I'm the man of the house.

And that's what I want
to be recognized as.

I expect to be
treated with respect.

[Door creaking]

I want a kiss in the morning
when I go to work,

and I want dinner
when I come home at night.

[Whimpers]

(Sarah)
loser.

(Zack)
bloomfield yearbook.

Well, my old stomping ground.

Oh, this guy.
What a fucking idiot.

What are you doing?

Just tell her.

Maybe she could
give you some advice.

God, you are
such an embarrassment.

I can't believe
I'm related to you.

You're going through
your yearbook?

That is so '80s.

(Zack)
give me some names.

I cannot be a part of this.

(Zack)
let's see, there was

Brenda, Gina, Kelly,

staci, Mary, uh, Jen.

Remember Jen?

She moved.

Wait.

Gretchen longerhaad.
Do you remember her?

Yeah, doesn't she
work at Howie's?

What'd she do,
give you
your first hickey?

She was my first
real girlfriend.

Yeah, wasn't that
when you were in,
like, 10th grade?

What advice could she
possibly give you now?

If I was doing
something wrong then,

chances are I'm probably
still doing it now.

Like popping zits?

What are you doing
tomorrow?

July 4th weekend? Uh...

You know, got some plans.

What plans you got?

You know, plans.

What plans?

All right.
What do you want?

You want
my conversation skills?

You--you want
my knowledge of women?

Well, what do you need
from me here?

♪[Spanish song playing]

Ok. what's wrong?

Nothing.

[Sighing]

Something's bothering you.

Whenever you have a problem,
you drive slow.

I'm not driving slow.

[Bell tinkling]

Asshole.

[Clearing throat]

Look.

I thought you said
you wanted me
for my rapport with women.

Something more important
than just my car.

Hey. your car
is important.

I can't go see
these girls without it.

(Bleckman)
you're missing the point.

I don't think you're using me
to my full potential.

It's like you got
Michael Jordan

and instead of having him
play hoop for your team,

you got him doing your dishes.

Ok, so you want to be
more involved.

Yeah, I want to play.

[Cash register dinging]

Wait. you--you gotta
buy somethin'.

Beans? refried beans?

It's a decoy.

She's gonna think
I'm a slob.

Refried beans are good.
They're fun.

Oh, you never buy
just beans.

(Zack)
oh, um...

This, too.

[Man chattering
on P.A. system]

[Stammering]

Zack Baker?

(Gretchen)
this is c-c-crazy.

Well, fuck me, how are ya?

Good. how are you?

(Old woman)
Isn't this the express Lane?

Bitch! why don't you
go to the other line?

I'm talking here.

Oh!

Oh, I don't want to
get you in trouble.

[Stuttering]
are you kidding?

I'm sleeping
with the manager.

That girl,
she stood there talking
for 20 minutes now.

Oh.

Guess that takes care
of that.

I know y-y-you.

You-you-you're
that fucking asshole.

Why don't you wait
over there?

[Snorts]

Gretchen.

Do you-- do you remember...

Why did we break up?

[Stammering]
have you ever snorkeled

in the wind?

It's fun.

You ever climbed
a rock in the snow?

(Gretchen)
hello?

You're the m-m-m-m-most
difficult person
to have a conversation with.

Fuck!

Y-y-you don't
listen--listen!

Does that answer
your question?

Nice talking to you there,
Gretchen!

Hey, Zack!
Where's my bike?

What brilliant advice
did she give ya?

I'm not
a good listener.

I mean, I listen to
what women talk about,

but I don't listen to
what they're really saying.

What does Abbey
talk about?

What does she like?

Art.

That's all
she talks about.

I mean, I got to be
able to relate to her
on her level.

That's what it means

to be able to have
a good relationship.

Conversation.
it's crucial.

Hey,

if Oprah Winfrey
sat you down and said

you needed to work
on your conversation skills,

you know what?
I'd buy it.

But Gretchen longerhaad?

Come on, man.

She has to be the single
worst conversationalist

in middle America.

She can't even speak.

What the fuck
does she know?

Susie!

Susie!

I need to talk to you.

Oh, god! I need to
talk to you, too.

I told myself
i would never look back.

But, Baker, I think
now we both realize

that we have
something special here.

Something
we should hold onto.

Susie, I don't want to
get back together.

Oh.

I just want to
ask you a question.

You know what I want?

I want you to remember
this moment, Baker.

I want you to remember
when you had a chance.

You will regret this.

[Sobbing]

(Zack)
what is her problem?

(Bleckman)
you're breaking the law.

When you end
a relationship,
that's it.

It's over.

You're not supposed to
talk to them anymore.

You go back
and you're asking

for a bunch of emotional shit
you can't handle.

Let me guess.
Teen beat.

[Sighing]

All right,
who's next?

(Zack)
Kelly woodward?

Uh...

Wasn't she
your babysitter?

Let's go,
bleckman!

Yeah, don't worry.

I'll take good care
of little Zachary.

Zachary.

I got a little surprise
for you.

No eating during class.

Do it!

Say the line.

S-s-so what are you gonna do,
Mrs. woodward,

s-s-send me to detention?

Mmm.

Sure you got
the right place?

[Birds twittering]

Hi! are you here
to see the house?

No.

Uh, actually
we're here to see you.

You used to baby-sit me.

Zack Baker.

Uh-huh.

I've been having
some problems.

Damn it!
I am so sick of this shit.

You blame it
all on me, right?

Psychologically
scarred bullshit.

You want money, right?

For all those years
of therapy

and a sexually
dysfunctional adolescence.

Oh, I just went through
all this shit

with that little brat
Tommy whittaker.

Statutory rape, my ass.

Hey, where were you
when I needed a babysitter?

Look, I don't want
any money.

Well, what do you want?

[Doorbell chimes]

Oh, damn it.

(Woman)
Harry, would you stop
with the goddamn camera?

[Kelly laughing]

(Woman)
hello.

Hello.

Oh, Harry,
look at this molding.

Isn't that nice?

Now, is there
a makeup mirror?

Oh, yes, there's a lovely one
right over there.

Is there a doggy door?

There has to be
a doggy door.

Oh, I know how you feel.
I just love dogs.

I have a shih tzu at home

and if the little fellow
couldn't get in and out
as he pleases,

he'd crap all over the place.

Kelly?

I'm trying to figure
some things out about myself.

[Whispering]
look, what does this
have to do with me?

I hardly remember you.

Well, I lost
my virginity to you.
You remember that?

Is this some kind of joke?

Look, just get out of here.

Uh, I can take it
from here.

Oh, that's ok.
Talk to your friend.

He needs you.
Good luck.

(Bleckman)
you like fireplaces?

[Sighing]

All right.
What do you want from me?

Just some advice.

Well, from what
i can remember,
you weren't very sexy.

I mean, you just stood there.
You were never into anything.

Women like sexy men.

How do you mean?

Look. there are 2 turn-ons.

A man's ass.

Accentuate your ass.

Ok, and the other one?

A man's mouth.

Be sexy with it.
Stick things in it.

Suck things. Suck it all.

Here. suck the pen.

No.

Go ahead.

Mmm.

No, not like that!

Like this.

Oh.

Now suck it.

What are you doing?

He was licking his fork.

Don't lick the silverware.

It's silverware.

You're supposed to put it
in your mouth.

I lick the silverware.

(Mrs. Baker)
Oh, please.

Let's not start talking
about your eating habits.

I thought you didn't mind
the way I eat.

Larry, I tolerate it.

It's not your fault
you're a slob.
It's your upbringing.

Christ! after watching you
wolf down those chicken wings

at buffalo Bob's,
I'll never be the same.

Oh, and who could forget
your barbecued rib stage?

That's all you'd ever order:

Baby backs, baby backs,
baby backs.

[Laughs]

What do I expect?

I married a man who makes
clothing tags for a living.

[Snickering]

So did you hear about
Zack's date with Abbey?

Oh, she's a good looker.

(Mrs. Baker)
Yeah, a little too good.

You should set
your sights lower.

You can be happy with kmart
if you never knew about Gucci.

Ask him how he's preparing
for this date.

How are you preparing
for the date, son?

(Sarah)
he's going back
to all the women in his life

to find out why
he can't hold a relationship.

Once he comes to grips
with this revelation,

he thinks Abbey's
gonna fall for him.

Well, that's retarded.

Sounds pretty irrational.

Completely immature.

Well, we are all entitled
to our own opinion.

Could you please pass me
the fucking Brussels sprouts?

[Crickets chirping]

[Dog barks]

(Seth)
it's happening.
I'm getting inspired.

♪[Music playing]

Do you see it?

[People chattering]

I see, uh, suds.

[Chuckles]

Oh, Abbey,

even when you're being crass,
you're a poet.

[Laughs]

I feel sorry for the girl
that's coming home
with me tonight.

Really?

There's your
2 Margarita girls,
right there.

Yeah, I'm, uh, looking
for another challenge now.

You and me,
we are the same creature.

Gifted.

What do we have here?

Welcome to camp yummy.

Let me show you
how it's done.

First step,

you got to know
what you're dealing with.

You got
the mental image going?

Mmm-hmm.

What do you see?

(Zack)
2 girls.

No. 2 fun-loving
college girls.

Now the approach.
What do you do?

Say hello?

That's why you're here.

You got to give
these college girls

what they're looking for.

Popular party guy.

[Groans]

I got so wasted
the other night.

[Moans]

[Chuckling]

[Whispering]
there are 2 total losers
walking up to us right now.

Hey!
Kathleen and Carol,
right?

(Bleckman)
wait a minute!
Amy and Felicity.

I don't think
you should call him.

I know,
but he's so gorgeous.

They look familiar
to you?

(Girl #2)
I don't think
you should call him.

He hasn't called me back
in 4 days.

Who does he think he is?

Veronica,
he's the president
of pike.

That's who he is.

I know. I called him,
like, 5 times yesterday.

How many messages
did you leave?

One.
who do you think I am?

(Girl #2)
Maybe he has caller I.D.

How many messages
have you left
in the past 4 days?

We can take
simple things like suds,

turn them into

swirling images of

innovative thought.

[Girls laughing]

You don't know what you got
till it's gone.

That's when
it hits him.

"What's she doing?
Is she hanging out

with that new fancy
transfer student?"

He lost you.

And then he's gonna
really start calling.

Sending tulips.
Writing poems.

Whatever it takes
to get you back.

Life is like

suds of beer.

Y-you know,
we don't necessarily
like the taste,

but you got to
get through it

to get to
the good stuff.

[Clears throat]

What if he never calls?

It wasn't meant to be.

You want a drink?

No, thanks.

[People chattering]

W-w-wait.
what--what are you doing?

I got
what I needed.

What did you get?

(Zack)
women are starting
to find me more appealing.

(Bleckman)
whoop-de-fucking-doo.

If you go up
and talk to a girl

and she invites you
for a drink, you gotta drink.

Fruits of your labor, man.

You go drink
with her.

I'm gonna
call it a night.

[Crickets chirping]

[Dog barks]

[Tools clinking]

You're such a pussy.

Take her.
Be assertive.

Be sexier.

Don't look at me.
Look at her.

She's the one you want.

Move your hips, like this.

It's all concentration.

(Mr. Baker)
Repeat after me.

I'm a good-looking man.

[Birds chirping]

(Brenda)
oh, wow! Zack!

[Gasps]

Hi, Eugene.

(Boy)
mommy!
Joey's drinking the bleach.

Can you see I'm busy?

[Boys laughing]

(Brenda)
i think you're great, Zack.

I just...
I needed something more.

Something
you couldn't provide.

(Zack)
what sort of things
couldn't I provide?

(Child)
die, asshole!

[Bleckman groans]

Play nice,
or I'm calling the cops,

and they're gonna
put you in jail!

(Bleckman)
thank you.

Incentive.

Um, what sort of things
couldn't I provide?

The married life, Zack.

I love
having my own family.

(Bleckman)
no, no, no, no.

Um,

I've never been happier.

(Boy)
you're mine, bitch!

(Bleckman)
little fucker!

I told you
not to touch anyone

until we found out
what that rash is!

(Brenda)
wash. you go
wash now, mister!

[Exclaiming]

Eugene. it's feces-related
from preschool,

but you may want
to clean your face.

[Children laughing]

This life
was never for you.

[Gasps]

Oh, my god!

Look at this gown,
Zack.

It's so beautiful.

Don't you think?

Brenda...

Yes, Zack?

...why are you
looking at me like that?

You were afraid
of commitment.

But we were only 18.

Don't you believe
in family?

[Bleckman groans]

Brenda, we only knew
each other a couple of weeks.

It's about discovery,
Zack.

That's where
true love lies.

It's not the oyster.

[Bleckman exclaims]

It's the Pearl within.

[Birds chirping]

And here comes
my Pearl now.

[Children laughing]

[Door opening]

[Bleckman chattering]

[Door slamming]

(Bleckman)
bastard.

You can't marry her.

That's the only way
she's gonna stay.

Zack, marriage
is final, man.

That's it. No more.
Game over.

It's last call
at the bar.

End of life
as you know it.

You sure
she's the one?

[Tires squealing]

Hey, Baker.

[Birds chirping]

Meet my new boyfriend,
Franz.

4-time
triathlete.

Pedal.

What was that?

♪[Music playing]

And one chocolate
fudge nut.

There you go.
Same for you.

[Music stops]

What the fuck
you looking at?

[Birds chirping]

You know,
i really hate that guy.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[Car door opens]

Hey.

[Car engine starting]

♪[Music blaring
on car stereo]

Well, what's
Mr. viper doing?

[Tires squealing]

Oh, he's, um,
heading for New York.

He's, uh,
making preparations.

So, are your parents
gonna throw you
a big goodbye party?

Oh, god, I hope not.

Everyone telling me
how many people die
in New York.

"Stay in bloomfield.
Play it safe."

Well, I mean,

it is one of the top 5
murder capitals in the world.

It's not top 5.

Yeah, well,
it's way more dangerous
than being here.

I mean,
what with the cranes

falling on people's heads
and those subways.

People getting
thrown out on the tracks.

What about that big park?

Everybody's just
disappearing.

[Laughing]

It's a big move, Abbey.

I'm gonna miss this.

You and me
talking over the fence.

I'll see you
tomorrow, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey.

I saw you last night.
In the bar.

You were so animated.

Well, you're gonna see
some changes in me, Abbey.

♪[88 lines about 44 women
by the nails playing]

♪ Seattle was another girl

(staci)
give me a "b"!
Give me an "a"!

Give me a "k"! "E"! "R"!

What, what, what, what, what,
what does it spell?

Baker, Baker, Baker! Yeah!

[Grunts]

You better know what's hot,
what's happening, what's now.

What kind of music
you listen to?

You listen to hip-hop,
right?

Ugh, just lose
the tight jeans.

♪ Gloria, the last taboo

♪ was shattered
by her tongue one night ♪

♪ Mimi brought
the taboo back ♪

♪ and held it up
before the light ♪

♪ Marilyn, who knew no shame

♪ was never ever satisfied

♪ Julie came
and went so fast ♪

♪ she didn't even
say goodbye ♪

I can't remember
when I've seen you
looking so lovely.

I just told the guy,

"if that's what
you think about

that..."

♪ Well, Rhonda had
a house in venice ♪

♪ lived on brown rice
and cocaine ♪

♪ Patty had
a house in Houston ♪

♪ shot cough syrup
in her veins ♪

♪ Linda thought
her life was empty ♪

Whoa. whoa.

♪ Katherine was
much too pretty ♪

♪ she didn't do
that shit at all ♪

♪ uh-uh-uh, not Katherine

♪ pauline thought that
love was simple ♪

♪ turn it on
and turn it off ♪

♪ Jean-Marie was complicated

♪ like some
French filmmaker's plot ♪

♪ Gina was the perfect lady

♪ always kept
her stockings straight ♪

♪ Jackie was
a rich punk rocker ♪

♪ silver spoon
and a paper plate ♪

(Zack)
it's all coming together.

You drop one pebble in a pond,
watch the ripples.

Since when do you give
a shit what I think?

Wait!
get away from me!

♪ Sarah was a modern dancer

♪ lean pristine transparency

you were cheap and dirty.

♪ In a crazy kind of urgency

♪ Tanya turkish
liked to fuck ♪

♪ while wearing
leather biker boots ♪

♪ Brenda's strange obsession

♪ was for certain
vegetables and fruit ♪

I wouldn't say
that I was cheap.

Are you kidding?

I never even heard of
some of the places
you took me.

(Man on P.A. system)
Welcome to bucket o' beef.

(Man on P.A. system)
What the fuck you want?

(Gina)
you bring new meaning
to the word "cheap."

Ok.

But dirty. Come on.

I know dirty people.

♪ Nina, 16, had a baby

♪ left her parents,
lived alone ♪

♪ Bobbi joined
a new wave band ♪

What you doing?

♪ Eloise, who played guitar,
sang songs ♪

You working?

♪ Terri didn't give a shit,
was just a nihilist ♪

♪ Ronnie was
much more my style ♪

There's a killer party
going down at big Bob's.

3 kegger.

♪ Dinah drove her Chevrolet

it's gonna be hot.

♪ Judy came from Ohio,
she's a scientologist ♪

♪ amaranta, here's a kiss

♪ I chose you
to end this list ♪

Do you mean sleazy dirty
or dirty dirty?

Dirty dirty.

Hey.

If you ever need
someone to talk to,

someone to listen
to your problems,

someone who really...

Uh...

Hey, you, uh,
still got crumble cake
in this shithole?

Am I dirty?

What, sleazy dirty
or, like, dirty dirty?

Dirty dirty.

Not particularly.

Wait.

Now, what's that
supposed to mean?

Hey, stop being
so fucking insecure.

Look at me.
I'm a confident guy.

I don't care
what people say.

It's not my style.

I'm more of a spontaneous,

get-up-in-your-face
kind of guy.

I see what I want,
i go get it.

(Bleckman)
a boyfriend's biggest fear.

Hi.

(Bleckman)
popular party guy.

Um, we met at bottoms up.

I think
it was last year.

Zack?

(Bleckman)
i feel sorry for the girl

that's going home
with me tonight.

I'm that sexy stranger

you find lurking
in the back of bars.

You were drinking
cosmopolitans.

[Bleckman chattering]

Yeah, that's my drink.

I'm the guy that asks himself
in on the first date.

I'm the guy that
catholic schoolgirls
think about

when they're saying
their hail Marys.

Yeah, that's me.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I--i remember you.

We had sex.

Yes. yes.

Oh, uh, this is--
this is my buddy,
bleckman.

Did we have sex?

Hey, um,
there's something
i should tell you.

(Zack)
really?

Well, I have a few things
I'd like to ask you myself.

Uh, you may have
gonorrhea.

(Woman on P.A. system)
Dr. kravitz,

please report
to the main lobby.

Dr. kravitz,
a visitor in the main lobby.

[Baby crying]

I bet you feel
just like him.

Mutilated, red,

hanging out
at the free clinic.

You should stop worrying
about what you need, Zack,

and start enjoying
what you already have.

Girls--girls, they like you.

It's not hard
to see why.

You're better than 90 percent
of the guys in this town.

[Phone rings]

If only you knew that,

you'd probably be
with Abbey right now.

Your insights are shit.

You spend all day

talking about your
great knowledge of women,

you've never even
had a girlfriend.

Fuck!

[Baby crying]

Fuck.

Are you Zack Baker?

Yes.

(Woman on P.A. system)
Mrs. Sanchez,
please report to room 203.

You don't have gonorrhea.

[Sighs]

[Exhales]

But you do have
chronic halitosis.

I want you
to seriously consider

a career
in the clothing-tag industry.

(Mr. Baker)
You know who that is?
Take a guess.

Harvey rosenthal.

Now, his design
on the shape
of the clothing tag

revolutionized the business.

Brilliant, brilliant man.

Mom, did girls like dad
in high school?

(Mr. Baker)
Oh, now look at this one.

Sam bloomenthal.

He organized
the whole convention.

Next year,
i could bring you along.

What do you say?
I could introduce you to him.

Larry, why would he
want to go to
the clothing-tag convention?

Why would anybody
want to go?

Well, um,
they've got great food.

They--they got spareribs.

I know how you like
spareribs.

[Mr. Baker chuckles]

It's very festive.

You may even meet
a lady friend.

Not to mention
the connections.

People there

can give you a career
with some meaning.

You know,
you could come, too.

Plan for the future.

Dad.

I'll design the clothes,

and you can put
the tags on them.

[Mrs. Baker laughing]

Mom, you're not happy
with dad, are you?

Oh, honey, your dad's
the only man for me.

So why do you
make fun of him
all the time?

(Mr. Baker)
That's just it, sweetheart.
It's just fun.

Now, your dad's
secure enough in himself

not to let
just words affect him.

He's strong,
confident, good-looking.

Any mean thing your mom says

just bounces off your dad
like a little gnat.

(Zack)
stop it!

Please, please can we just
have one normal conversation?

I don't see anything
out of the ordinary.

That's where
the problem begins.

And you know
who's gonna suffer from this?

Not me. Her.

Don't make this about me.

You're doing well,
aren't you?

Really smart, normal.

[Snickers]

Wait. wait till 15.

Wait till you start dating.

Maybe you'll go out
with crazy guys

with motorcycles
and python boots.

Or maybe--

maybe you'll go out
with women.

Whatever it is, you ain't
gonna be normal, sister.

This Abbey thing's
getting to you, huh?

When I'm 27, I'm gonna
move to New York

and become
a postmodernist painter.

You should ask me out now,
before it's too late.

(Toni)
a woman likes
to be manhandled.

They like their men strong.

(Gina)
you were cheap and dirty.

(Susie)
i want you to remember
when you had a chance!

(Vanessa)
since when do you
give a shit what I think?

(Abbey)
you were scared shitless.

(Sarah)
you are such an embarrassment.

I can't believe
I'm related to you.

(Mrs. Baker)
Yeah, a little too good.

You should set
your sights lower.

(Kelly)
you were afraid
of commitment.

[Birds chirping]

[Bell tinkling]

Hey, Baker.

Meet umberto,
my new boyfriend.

He's an actor.

How's it going, man?

Uh, here you are.
Thank you.

His new film
is very highly acclaimed

with the
bloomfield daily.

Susie.

I don't know
what you're trying to do.

But I have to go.

He loves me, Baker.

Do you hear me?
He loves me!

[Clock ticking]

(Mrs. Baker)
Penelope.

(Zack)
i can't believe it.

[Growling]

Give me my shirt. Penelope!

[Snarling]

Ok. new plan.

I'm borrowing the car.

You can't borrow the car.

My date's tonight.

Well, take a bus.
Buses are fun.

Mom, please.

I don't ask for much.

I want gas,
and I don't mean a drip.

I want to see
that needle on "f."

Fine.

Oh.

What do we have here?

Oh.

Yeah, they're all here.

Mostly. I don't see
that little whore Jennifer

that used to grab your crotch
at the dinner table.

Does this
make you happy?

You know,
just because things
didn't work out for you,

it doesn't mean things
aren't gonna work out for me.

And what's that
supposed to mean?

I've seen the picture,

in the jewelry box.

I have been with your father
for 27 years.

You think I get bored?
You bet I do.

He's a silly man.

You set your sights
for some great girl

and you don't get her,

you're always gonna wonder
what could have been.

Let me make
my own mistakes.

Take the cards down
before they peel the varnish.

[Car engine starts]

[Crickets chirping]

Oh, my god.

Wait. wait. Wait.

[Door lock clicks]

Hey.

You--you look nice.

For you.

Oh.

[Chuckles]

That's so sweet.

[Car engine starts]

All right,
we'll see you at 9:00.

You bet. Bye-bye.

Uh, hello.

Baker, for 2.

Your table's ready to go.

♪[Music playing]

That's the mechanic boy.

The one that's been
going around town

making a fuss
with all the women.

Oh, right! Right.

Oh, look how cute they are.

$5.00 says he's not
getting laid.

You're on.

(Hostess)
if you need anything,
just ask.

Thank you.

Are you trying to
sweep me off my feet?

Zack, it's really pricey.

"Price is a fountain
of nothingness

when compared to
one man's dream."

Well, don't look at me.
These aren't my words.

These are the words
of Neil ulman.

Yeah, the postmodern
impressionist, elmo.

So, um,

what did you think
of the renoir exhibit

missing
luncheon
at the boating party?

Hmm, man,

I am so hungry.

[Laughs]

[Tools clinking]

Take her!

Look at those lips.

Abbey?

Will you marry me?

(Staci)
boring!

When you ask someone
to marry you,

you got to go big!
Have some fun!

Make it like
a major rager, yeah!

[Grunts]

Couldn't you afford a box?

(Toni)
look at those lips,

just waiting to be sucked.

(Zack)
could you excuse me?

I'll be right--
I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Can you put this
in my date's food?

It's got to be
something fun.

Put it
in a bed of lettuce.

Lettuce?

Hmm. ok,
forget the lettuce.

Ok, do you have
something thick?

Something that
will disguise it.

Mashed potatoes are good.

Ok. I like your thinking.

But mashed potatoes,
to me, not so sexy.

I need something...

Oh, god.

I got-- I gotta have
something intriguing.

Chocolate mousse.

Chocolate mousse is sexy.

Could you-- could you
please just make sure

that this gets in
her chocolate mousse?

Hey, Baker.
What are you doing here?

Oh, a date.

Susie.

Susie.

Please don't
ruin this for me.

I don't care what you do.

You can go on 100 dates.

I could give a shit.

You know why, Baker?

Because I'm over you.

[Crying]
I'm so over you.

Mmm.

Tell me you love me, Baker.

Oh, no.
Tell me you love me.

[Water running]

[Door opens]

[Footsteps approaching]

I'm sorry.

I don't know
what came over me.

I guess I just got jealous.

I just don't want you
to remember me
like that crazy girl

who was madly
in love with you.

What I'm trying to say

is that I just
want to be friends.

What do you say?
Friends?

Friends.

Oh.

[Sighs]

[Exclaiming]

Tell me
you love me, Baker!

[Sighs]

You have
something here.

Yeah.

You were having
a nice conversation
with the hostess, huh?

(Susie)
how are we doing tonight?

Oh, good.

[Clears throat]

You know,
when we went out,

he never took me
to places like this.

He tried
to get fancy once.

You know, those restaurants

with the commercials
with the stupid jingles

and the idiot wearing
the cowboy hat,
roping cattle?

Nothing but the best,
huh, Baker?

Excuse me.
It's susie.

Right. you're susie.

Susie, I would love

to spend the evening
hearing more about

how Zack didn't care
about you.

However we are famished.

So, if you could bring us

some of that nice,
hot, fluffy bread

and a little plate
of butter on the side

and then don't come back
till we're ready to order,

that would be great, ok?

Mmm.

That was delicious.

You're the best.

How about some dessert?

That sounds wonderful.

Chocolate mousse.

You like chocolate mousse.

Since when do I like
chocolate mousse?

Everyone likes
chocolate mousse.
It's delicious.

2 chocolate mousses.

Everything is clear to me.

I understand.

What?

Here you are.

Hmm.

Thanks.

Yeah, you better dig in.
This is really something.

Mmm.

[Woman screaming]

[Woman laughing]

Yeah! yeah!

Fuck! yeah!

[Laughing]

Yes, I'll marry you!

[Woman giggling]

Yes, I'll marry you!

He put it
in the pudding!

He put it in the...
Hey! Hey!

[Yelping]

[Gasps]

Abbey,

will you marry me?

You mean
so much to me, Zack.

Is that me?

Different, huh?

You got a place for it?

[Sizzling]

Hey.

Hi, kiddo.

Hey.

Velveeta.

Extra thick sliced,
just how you like it.

Perfect.

[Dog barking]

What are you
doing here?

I live here.

Heard you got food.

Hey, you know,

bleckman,
i would never do anything--

are you...

Are you trying
to apologize?

Actually, it's not something
I'm very good at.

Maybe you should go back
to your friends

from the past,
see what they have to say.

Uh-uh.

Wouldn't make it better.

[Laughs]

What's so funny?

No, I was just picturing
all your friends.

Such losers.

[Both chuckling]

[Laughs]

[Dog barking]

The magic 3.

Oh, don't tell me
you don't know
about the magic 3.

"Every man's life
will have 3 true loves."

So according to this,
you still got 2 more coming.

And you really
believe in all that?

Yeah.

[Birds cawing]

Actually, I, uh,

I met somebody.

Yeah.

What's she like?

She's nice.
She's real nice.

It's kind of like,

you never know
when it's gonna come.

It just-- it just happens
all of a sudden

when you least expect it.

Then bam, she's right there.

You just got to be
patient, buddy.

The next thing you know,

there's your girl
walking around
that next corner.

♪ Faith pours
from your walls ♪

♪ drowning you calls

♪ I've tried to hear

hey.

Hey.

Hey, Zack.
Meet Janet.

Yeah, we--we met
last night.

How'd your date go?

It worked out for the best.

Hey, uh, you guys want
to go get some ice cream

or grab a nice
pointy piece of pizza or...

[Laughing]

♪ Shining my way

♪ pure timing

(bleckman)
you know this perfect girl
your whole life,

but you never go for her.

Then suddenly
you realize it's over,

it's too late,
you've lost your chance.

I could play one game,

but it would
have to be a home game.

'Cause I'm not going...

(Mrs. Baker)
...Be happy with K-Mart
if you never knew about Gucci.

...finger flips and who's got
the oldest birkenstocks...

(Abbey)
stay in bloomfield.
Play it safe.

Thank you.
I'd rather show up
naked to class any day.

(Abbey)
I'm gonna miss this.

Talking to you
over the fence.

Hey, what would you
rather be?

A leaf or an orange?

♪ Soleil all over you

(Zack)
I'll be a leaf.

♪ Pours over me soleil

(Abbey)
you're an orange.

♪ All over you, warm sun

♪[just got lucky
by joboxers playing]

♪ Your technique,
it leaves me weak ♪

♪ my heart knows
it's the beat I seek ♪

Get out.

♪ And I found it

♪ just got lucky

♪ yes, I found it

♪ just got lucky

♪ I never worry
that your love is fake ♪

♪ I'm feeling easy
and I'm feeling Jake ♪

♪ 'cause I found it

♪ just got lucky

♪ oh, boy, I found it

♪ just got lucky

♪ 'cause I never felt
this way before ♪

♪ like a dog
always begging for more ♪

♪ I've been fooled by love
so many times ♪

♪ I gave up
on all those silly rhymes ♪

♪ kept my feelings
all inside my heart ♪

♪ a locked door,
no key was cut
that was to fit ♪

♪ now I'm
such a very lucky guy ♪

♪ gangway, one side now,
come on hear me say ♪

♪ we've got the answer
and it's plain to see ♪

♪ come on hear me say

♪ that I'm for you
and you're for me ♪

♪ 'cause I found it

♪ just got lucky

♪ together we've found it

♪ just got lucky

♪ I feel a quiver
every time we kiss ♪

♪ the sky's the limit
with a love like this ♪

♪ 'cause I found it

♪ just got lucky

♪ together we found it

♪ just got lucky

♪ 'cause I never felt
this way before ♪

♪ like a dog
always begging for more ♪

♪ I've been fooled by love
so many times ♪

♪ I gave up
on all those silly rhymes ♪

♪ kept my feelings
all inside my heart ♪

♪ a locked door,
no key was cut
that was to fit ♪

♪ now I'm
such a very lucky guy ♪

♪ gangway, one side now,
come on hear me say ♪

♪ we've got the answer
and it's plain to see ♪

♪ come on hear me say

♪ that I'm for you
and you're for me ♪

♪ 'cause I found it

♪ just got lucky

♪ together we've found it

♪ just got lucky

♪ I feel a quiver
every time we kiss ♪

♪ the sky's the limit
with a love like this ♪

♪ 'cause I found it

♪ just got lucky

♪ together we found it

♪ just got lucky

♪ 'cause I never felt
this way before ♪

♪ like a dog
always begging for more ♪

♪ I've been fooled by love
so many times ♪

♪ I gave up
on all those silly rhymes ♪

♪ kept my feelings
all inside my heart ♪

♪ a locked door,
no key was cut
that was to fit ♪

♪ now I'm
such a very lucky guy ♪

♪ gangway, one side now,
come on hear me say ♪

♪ come on hear me say

♪ just got lucky

♪ just got lucky

♪ your technique,
it leaves me weak ♪

♪ my heart knows
it's the beat I seek ♪

♪ yeah, I found it

♪ just got lucky

♪ oh, boy, I found it

♪ just got lucky

♪ 'cause I never felt
this way before ♪

♪ just got lucky

♪ just got lucky

♪ just got lucky

♪ just got lucky

♪ just got lucky

♪ just got lucky