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"Last Man Standing" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.
2
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Good morning.
3
00:00:05,841 --> 00:00:06,623
Ohh.
4
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Mmm. Mmm.
5
00:00:07,677 --> 00:00:10,627
I love you so much.
6
00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:12,281
Wait a minute... that
doesn't sound like
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the "I love you. You're a great husband."
8
00:00:13,933 --> 00:00:16,013
It sounds like, "I love
you. I scratched your truck."
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00:00:17,136 --> 00:00:18,719
If I scratched your truck,
10
00:00:18,771 --> 00:00:20,888
I would know enough to just keep driving.
11
00:00:20,940 --> 00:00:22,222
So, everything's good? Yeah.
12
00:00:22,274 --> 00:00:23,223
All right.
13
00:00:23,275 --> 00:00:24,358
It's just that...
14
00:00:24,393 --> 00:00:26,393
ohhhh, boy.
15
00:00:26,445 --> 00:00:28,145
Well, Suzy Shaw and Betsy Wolf
16
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are coming to town this weekend.
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Those old broads still travel?
18
00:00:32,868 --> 00:00:35,619
Yes, my college roommates can still travel.
19
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Honey, you should see them on Facebook.
20
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For "old broads," they look amazing.
21
00:00:40,659 --> 00:00:42,659
I've seen Suzy on Facebook.
22
00:00:42,712 --> 00:00:44,428
A little too much Botox.
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00:00:45,798 --> 00:00:47,998
She has the same expression
at her surprise party
24
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:49,583
as she does at her dad's funeral.
25
00:00:51,337 --> 00:00:52,720
I feel a little insecure.
26
00:00:52,755 --> 00:00:55,339
I mean, they used to call
us "the three hot toddies,"
27
00:00:55,341 --> 00:00:59,309
and now I'm afraid it'll be
two toddies and a moscow mule.
28
00:00:59,345 --> 00:01:01,562
Truth is, I married a very beautiful woman.
29
00:01:01,597 --> 00:01:04,615
From where I stand, she's just
as beautiful as she ever was.
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Thanks, honey.
31
00:01:05,768 --> 00:01:07,851
I keep telling myself
that age is just a number.
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And no matter how
crazy-big that number gets,
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I'll still love you, mom.
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Thank you, Mandy.
35
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So, how's the fashion business, huh?
36
00:01:16,495 --> 00:01:20,164
Well, IMHO, my LBDs could
end up being a really BFD.
37
00:01:20,199 --> 00:01:21,281
Cut the hipster talk.
38
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She's already feeling really old today.
39
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In my humble opinion,
my little black dresses
40
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could end up being a
really big frickin' deal.
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Some generations win world wars.
42
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Some win cold wars.
43
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Some come up with snazzy abbreviations.
44
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Bye.
45
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Hey, um... ILY.
46
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(Chuckling) Oh. Yeah. (Chuckles)
47
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I love yams.
48
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But what a weird way to
say "have a nice day."
49
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Bye, honey. Bye, guys.
50
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Bye! Bye!
51
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Wow. Mandy, honey, these
dresses look amazing.
52
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I know, right? Yeah.
53
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But I need to take some new
pictures for the website,
54
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and I'm hoping to find
a slightly leggier model
55
00:02:00,706 --> 00:02:03,490
than, uh, sergeant stumpy over there.
56
00:02:03,542 --> 00:02:05,159
Hey. I'm taller than you.
57
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Huh?
58
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No way. When did that happen?
59
00:02:08,747 --> 00:02:10,347
Uh, a while ago.
60
00:02:10,382 --> 00:02:12,942
But to spare your feelings, I've
been walking around on my knees.
61
00:02:14,303 --> 00:02:16,670
Hey, you know what... I
tower over both of you,
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00:02:16,722 --> 00:02:19,473
so, Mandy, maybe... maybe
I should be your model.
63
00:02:20,759 --> 00:02:23,193
Okay.
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00:02:23,229 --> 00:02:27,397
I know that you're
joking, but, like... Don't.
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What, you don't think I could
pull off one of your LBDs?
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Ah.
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It's just that, um...
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Modeling is a really dangerous business.
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Okay.
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And I just... I care
about you too much
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to see you get addicted to heroin.
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So...
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I'm gonna stick with Eve.
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Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
Www.Addic7ed.Com
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maybe we should do the
young one... like that.
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Hey.
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Hi. How were drills?
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Tough.
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It's just nice knowing
we're out there hitting it
80
00:03:01,016 --> 00:03:03,267
while the Ruskies are still in bed.
81
00:03:03,302 --> 00:03:04,434
The Ruskies aren't in bed.
82
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They're doing jello shots in the Ukraine.
83
00:03:07,523 --> 00:03:08,972
And you know who to blame for that?
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Obama. Obama.
85
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Couple years, guys, you'll
have Hillary to blame
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for everything Vladimir Putin does.
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Wow. I like blaming her for stuff.
88
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But, then again, to blame her,
she'd have to be president.
89
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These are the tough choices
we face as Americans.
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Hey.
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Home so soon from Spencer's party?
92
00:03:29,662 --> 00:03:31,461
Uh, Boyd got thrown out.
93
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What? From a birthday party?
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One too many juice boxes.
We've all been there.
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00:03:37,336 --> 00:03:38,802
Honey, what happened?
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00:03:38,837 --> 00:03:41,421
Spencer's mom said I broke the rules.
97
00:03:41,473 --> 00:03:43,924
Boyd had the other kids running
around the yard playing war.
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You know, shooting finger
pistols at each other.
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Stop it!
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00:03:49,481 --> 00:03:51,815
A 7-year-old with
a finger pistol?!
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Did you get hit with any booger bazookas?
102
00:03:57,356 --> 00:03:59,356
If they come for my finger,
103
00:03:59,358 --> 00:04:02,910
they're gonna have to pry
it from my cold, dead hand.
104
00:04:02,945 --> 00:04:05,529
We were just playing "Dirty Dozen."
105
00:04:05,581 --> 00:04:07,664
I was Lee Marvin.
106
00:04:08,751 --> 00:04:10,191
That's because you're a born leader.
107
00:04:10,202 --> 00:04:12,669
Seriously, Mike? You showed
him "The Dirty Dozen"?
108
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How do you think he
learned how to count to 12?
109
00:04:15,174 --> 00:04:16,673
You're welcome.
110
00:04:16,709 --> 00:04:19,259
So, this whole ugly incident occurred
111
00:04:19,295 --> 00:04:22,679
because of certain influences
that Boyd has in his life.
112
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To be clear, we all know I'm
talking about Mike, right?
113
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Yeah, now who's pointing fingers?
114
00:04:27,219 --> 00:04:29,186
Honey, come on. You want
to come help me upstairs?
115
00:04:29,221 --> 00:04:30,721
Okay. What are we doing?
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We are picking out an outfit.
117
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Grandma's meeting up with some old friends
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who she needs to look way better than.
119
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Can I change my mind?
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No.
121
00:04:38,897 --> 00:04:41,565
I mean, come on, Mike. Really?
You showed him "The Dirty Dozen"?
122
00:04:41,617 --> 00:04:43,717
I don't want him
pretending to kill Germans.
123
00:04:43,752 --> 00:04:46,903
Since when do you become so pro-Nazi?
124
00:04:46,956 --> 00:04:50,157
I am not pro-Nazi.
I'm just anti-violence.
125
00:04:52,294 --> 00:04:56,079
Although I realize I'm preaching
in the wrong church here.
126
00:04:56,131 --> 00:04:57,414
Calm down, Betty.
127
00:04:57,466 --> 00:05:00,217
I'm just going off to play paintball.
128
00:05:00,252 --> 00:05:01,585
This is where it starts.
129
00:05:01,587 --> 00:05:04,054
As a culture, we teach
our children to be violent.
130
00:05:04,089 --> 00:05:06,089
No, no, no. They don't have to be taught.
131
00:05:06,141 --> 00:05:08,842
You stuff a paper donkey full of candy,
132
00:05:08,894 --> 00:05:12,312
give kids sticks, watch
nature just take its course.
133
00:05:13,932 --> 00:05:16,016
I still remember my first piñata.
134
00:05:16,068 --> 00:05:17,801
The only thing Dora was exploring
135
00:05:17,836 --> 00:05:19,770
was the business end of a baseball bat.
136
00:05:22,608 --> 00:05:24,908
Well, I would appreciate
if every once in a while,
137
00:05:24,943 --> 00:05:26,276
you could show Boyd a movie
138
00:05:26,328 --> 00:05:28,412
where conflict is
settled through diplomacy.
139
00:05:28,447 --> 00:05:29,579
So typical, Ryan.
140
00:05:29,615 --> 00:05:31,782
You want all the protection
the military provides,
141
00:05:31,834 --> 00:05:34,234
but you don't want to know
how they make the sausage.
142
00:05:34,269 --> 00:05:36,370
I know how they make the sausage.
143
00:05:36,405 --> 00:05:38,872
It's a big part of why I'm a vegetarian.
144
00:05:38,924 --> 00:05:40,624
Enjoy your lentil chops, hippie.
145
00:05:42,032 --> 00:05:43,432
I'm off to shoot people with paint.
146
00:05:43,462 --> 00:05:44,628
Bye! Bye! Bye!
147
00:05:44,630 --> 00:05:46,296
You know, I don't see the harm
148
00:05:46,298 --> 00:05:48,598
steering Boyd towards
nonviolent activities.
149
00:05:48,634 --> 00:05:51,134
He just helped me pick
out this very pretty scarf.
150
00:05:51,170 --> 00:05:54,771
I think we found the harm.
151
00:05:54,807 --> 00:05:56,773
Hey. Hi.
152
00:05:56,809 --> 00:05:57,891
Can you believe our kid?
153
00:05:57,943 --> 00:06:00,394
The one I don't believe is Spencer's mom.
154
00:06:00,446 --> 00:06:02,646
They were playing war with their fingers.
155
00:06:02,648 --> 00:06:04,698
Well, I got a finger for her.
156
00:06:04,733 --> 00:06:06,783
We have a rule among parents...
157
00:06:06,819 --> 00:06:09,286
you invite my kid to a party,
he's yours for four hours.
158
00:06:09,321 --> 00:06:10,987
Oh, that reminds me... I've
got that hair appointment,
159
00:06:10,989 --> 00:06:12,989
and Marci has a really strict
cancelation policy. Of course. Yes. Go.
160
00:06:12,991 --> 00:06:14,312
Let the ladies take care of this.
161
00:06:14,326 --> 00:06:15,409
You go get your hair done.
162
00:06:16,829 --> 00:06:19,046
So, how's, uh, Boyd doing with all this?
163
00:06:19,081 --> 00:06:21,081
You know, he only has a few friends,
164
00:06:21,133 --> 00:06:22,833
and Spencer was his favorite.
165
00:06:22,835 --> 00:06:24,668
I didn't realize he was
having trouble making friends.
166
00:06:24,670 --> 00:06:27,087
That's because he's Lee Marvin, the leader.
167
00:06:27,139 --> 00:06:29,473
Can never get close to people 'cause...
168
00:06:29,508 --> 00:06:31,458
They always come after the ones you love.
169
00:06:32,895 --> 00:06:35,512
Mike, honey, this is
troubling. I mean all of it.
170
00:06:35,514 --> 00:06:38,565
Boyd's struggle to make friends,
your crush on Lee Marvin.
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00:06:40,413 --> 00:06:42,574
He doesn't need to be friends
with this Spencer weenie.
172
00:06:42,604 --> 00:06:44,684
I mean, 7-year-olds make
friends quicker than drunks.
173
00:06:44,690 --> 00:06:46,356
They're fighting one minute, and the next,
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00:06:46,358 --> 00:06:48,358
(slurring) "I love you, man. I do."
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00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:51,695
Hi, mommy. I got 86'd out of the party.
176
00:06:51,747 --> 00:06:52,913
Oh, I know, sweetie,
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00:06:52,948 --> 00:06:54,998
but did you at least get to eat some cake?
178
00:06:55,033 --> 00:06:57,451
No. And it was carrot with soy ice cream.
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00:06:57,503 --> 00:06:58,518
Ohhh.
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00:06:58,554 --> 00:07:01,371
Spencer's mom did you a favor, pal.
181
00:07:01,373 --> 00:07:03,840
Can we do something fun now?
182
00:07:03,876 --> 00:07:05,976
Oh, that's a little bit of a problem.
183
00:07:06,011 --> 00:07:08,178
You see, mommy has to get back to work.
184
00:07:08,213 --> 00:07:09,213
Well, there's no problem.
185
00:07:09,264 --> 00:07:10,714
Grandpa can take you to Outdoor Man,
186
00:07:10,716 --> 00:07:12,766
if it's all right, 'cause we're
having a weekend promotion,
187
00:07:12,801 --> 00:07:14,217
lot of kid stuff to do. Oh, yeah?
188
00:07:14,269 --> 00:07:16,636
Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a bouncy
house, arcade, face painting.
189
00:07:16,688 --> 00:07:18,138
We'll meet some new friends.
190
00:07:18,190 --> 00:07:19,890
There'll be more Spencers there
191
00:07:19,942 --> 00:07:21,608
than you can shake a stick at.
192
00:07:21,643 --> 00:07:22,776
And down at Outdoor Man,
193
00:07:22,811 --> 00:07:24,644
you can actually shake sticks at people.
194
00:07:25,864 --> 00:07:27,397
Sounds perfect, dad. Thank you.
195
00:07:27,399 --> 00:07:29,900
But before we go, come up and
help grandpa pick out an outfit.
196
00:07:39,005 --> 00:07:40,555
Can I play shooting gallery, grandpa?
197
00:07:40,607 --> 00:07:42,190
Boyd, we're not doing that right now.
198
00:07:42,225 --> 00:07:44,776
We're coming here to play games
and... and make friends here.
199
00:07:44,811 --> 00:07:47,478
Like... Go in the bouncy house.
A lot of nice kids in there.
200
00:07:47,530 --> 00:07:49,564
But I don't want to go to the
bouncy house. You're gonna go...
201
00:07:49,616 --> 00:07:50,798
I want to shoot the rifles.
202
00:07:50,834 --> 00:07:52,066
Stop, stop, stop. Calm
down. Ple-e-e-e-ase?
203
00:07:52,118 --> 00:07:53,201
Let the kid shoot!
204
00:07:53,236 --> 00:07:55,119
There's a pitch to that whine
205
00:07:55,155 --> 00:07:57,155
that cuts right through my skull.
206
00:07:57,207 --> 00:07:59,607
Let's do a little snack.
How about a pretzel?
207
00:07:59,643 --> 00:08:01,826
Take him over there and just
spray mustard all over his face.
208
00:08:01,878 --> 00:08:04,495
That's where it's gonna
end up anyway, right?
209
00:08:04,497 --> 00:08:07,131
All right, these glasses
belong to that girl,
210
00:08:07,167 --> 00:08:09,167
and this inhaler is his.
211
00:08:09,169 --> 00:08:11,970
Or is it the other way around?
212
00:08:12,005 --> 00:08:14,138
It's okay, Kyle. Give that
to whoever starts wheezing.
213
00:08:15,225 --> 00:08:16,591
Get this.
214
00:08:16,643 --> 00:08:17,892
Heh?
215
00:08:17,927 --> 00:08:20,094
Boyd goes to a birthday party
today, and they kick him out
216
00:08:20,146 --> 00:08:22,480
for pointing a finger gun at another kid.
217
00:08:22,515 --> 00:08:24,983
Come on. A finger pistol? Yeah.
218
00:08:25,018 --> 00:08:26,538
They're coming for these now? Come on.
219
00:08:26,569 --> 00:08:27,518
I know.
220
00:08:27,570 --> 00:08:29,354
Some lady at the party...
221
00:08:29,356 --> 00:08:30,521
his dad...
222
00:08:30,523 --> 00:08:33,024
got all bent out of
shape about it, you know.
223
00:08:33,076 --> 00:08:35,276
So... He doesn't like simulated violence.
224
00:08:35,328 --> 00:08:36,861
Country's gone soft, Mike.
225
00:08:36,913 --> 00:08:39,247
It used to be air rifles
were standard issue,
226
00:08:39,282 --> 00:08:40,865
you know, in the first grade.
227
00:08:40,917 --> 00:08:43,668
I took more shrapnel in elementary school
228
00:08:43,703 --> 00:08:46,671
than I ever did in Vietnam.
229
00:08:46,706 --> 00:08:48,706
Now these kids are spending
all their time in basements
230
00:08:48,758 --> 00:08:51,426
eating cheetos, shooting zombies,
231
00:08:51,461 --> 00:08:54,712
getting fake exercise and real fat.
232
00:08:54,714 --> 00:08:57,382
Pow, pow! I got you, grandpa!
233
00:08:57,434 --> 00:08:58,683
(Chuckles) Look at that.
234
00:08:58,718 --> 00:09:00,518
The boy's made a gun out of a pretzel.
235
00:09:00,553 --> 00:09:03,271
The Germans would be proud, kid.
236
00:09:04,224 --> 00:09:05,773
Better watch that curved barrel,
237
00:09:05,809 --> 00:09:08,893
or you're gonna shoot
yourself in the schnitzel.
238
00:09:08,945 --> 00:09:11,312
Now can I go to the
shooting gallery, grandpa?
239
00:09:11,364 --> 00:09:12,480
No, we're gonna get in the bouncy.
240
00:09:12,532 --> 00:09:14,065
Come on. Now, what are you gonna do, Mike?
241
00:09:14,067 --> 00:09:16,567
It's the way little boys are wired.
242
00:09:16,569 --> 00:09:18,536
Hmm?
243
00:09:18,571 --> 00:09:20,655
Listen, as far as anyone's concerned,
244
00:09:20,707 --> 00:09:23,241
I might have lost track
of you for a half-hour.
245
00:09:23,243 --> 00:09:24,709
Let's go. Come on.
246
00:09:24,744 --> 00:09:26,661
Hey, Paul, line 'Em up.
247
00:09:29,966 --> 00:09:33,501
Mom, don't worry.
Everything is gonna be fine.
248
00:09:33,553 --> 00:09:37,004
Why do I suddenly feel
like you ran somebody over?
249
00:09:37,057 --> 00:09:38,673
Because that's exactly what she said
250
00:09:38,725 --> 00:09:41,392
that time that she ran somebody over.
251
00:09:41,428 --> 00:09:43,094
This is way bigger than that, okay?
252
00:09:43,096 --> 00:09:45,096
I figured out a way for you to look awesome
253
00:09:45,148 --> 00:09:47,098
when you meet up with your school friends,
254
00:09:47,150 --> 00:09:48,266
Ethel and Mildred.
255
00:09:48,318 --> 00:09:51,769
Suzy and Betsy!
256
00:09:51,771 --> 00:09:52,854
Who are they?
257
00:09:52,906 --> 00:09:54,439
Uh, mom's hot friends from college.
258
00:09:54,491 --> 00:09:55,940
Suzy looks like she's 30.
259
00:09:55,992 --> 00:09:57,442
Ew. 30.
260
00:09:57,494 --> 00:09:58,609
Sad.
261
00:09:59,829 --> 00:10:01,446
♪ Ta-da-da-da ♪
262
00:10:01,498 --> 00:10:03,614
Sweetie! Thank you!
263
00:10:03,666 --> 00:10:05,533
Ooh, let me see.
264
00:10:05,585 --> 00:10:06,534
Well.
265
00:10:06,586 --> 00:10:08,252
A little short, but I like it.
266
00:10:08,288 --> 00:10:11,205
Oh, God, no! That's just the first layer.
267
00:10:11,257 --> 00:10:12,673
All right.
268
00:10:12,709 --> 00:10:15,927
So, here are the leggings
to layer under that.
269
00:10:15,962 --> 00:10:16,961
Okay.
270
00:10:17,013 --> 00:10:19,297
And then we got a sweater to layer over.
271
00:10:19,349 --> 00:10:21,048
Then we got this nice scarf
272
00:10:21,101 --> 00:10:24,102
so you can just cover up
all that, like, uggggh!
273
00:10:24,137 --> 00:10:27,388
Super-wide belt just to sort
of "sssk!" In the middle.
274
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:30,808
So, for me, being awesome
means "not visible"?
275
00:10:30,860 --> 00:10:33,811
Oh, my God. Mom, I'm so sorry.
276
00:10:33,863 --> 00:10:35,863
Totally forgot the poncho. Hold that!
277
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,617
Honey, I'm not wearing this.
278
00:10:39,652 --> 00:10:42,787
I may not be 22, but I'm
not the elephant woman.
279
00:10:42,822 --> 00:10:43,788
Good for you.
280
00:10:43,823 --> 00:10:44,989
Yeah, I'm with Vanessa.
281
00:10:44,991 --> 00:10:46,541
I mean, what makes society think
282
00:10:46,576 --> 00:10:48,159
that an older woman can't be sexy?
283
00:10:48,895 --> 00:10:50,628
Their eyes?
284
00:10:51,748 --> 00:10:53,247
Thank you, Ryan.
285
00:10:53,299 --> 00:10:54,332
You know what?
286
00:10:54,384 --> 00:10:56,918
I think I could totally pull this one off.
287
00:10:56,970 --> 00:10:59,387
Ooh. Not if dad pulls it off you first.
288
00:10:59,422 --> 00:11:00,688
Oh, gross!
289
00:11:00,723 --> 00:11:03,174
Yeah, now that Mike's in the
mix, I'm kind of with Mandy.
290
00:11:05,478 --> 00:11:08,646
I am gonna wear this dress,
and I am gonna look hot.
291
00:11:08,681 --> 00:11:10,681
Kardashian hot.
292
00:11:10,683 --> 00:11:13,851
Oh, and not the mom or the tall one.
293
00:11:17,857 --> 00:11:19,907
Ah. I blame forever 21.
294
00:11:19,943 --> 00:11:23,194
You know, they should really call
that place "face it, you're 50."
295
00:11:25,665 --> 00:11:28,115
Paintball is awesome!
296
00:11:28,168 --> 00:11:29,283
Kristin: What?
297
00:11:29,335 --> 00:11:30,334
Hey, what happened
298
00:11:30,370 --> 00:11:32,119
to "wait and let's see if they notice"?
299
00:11:33,256 --> 00:11:35,006
You said he was taking him face painting.
300
00:11:35,041 --> 00:11:37,208
Well, it looks like they
got a little bit on his face.
301
00:11:37,260 --> 00:11:39,544
No, no, no. That's actually
German spicy mustard.
302
00:11:39,596 --> 00:11:41,012
I cannot believe you, Mike.
303
00:11:41,047 --> 00:11:42,713
I mean, after everything we talked about,
304
00:11:42,715 --> 00:11:43,881
you take him paintballing?
305
00:11:43,933 --> 00:11:44,966
This is not paintball.
306
00:11:45,018 --> 00:11:46,801
It's called splat-ball.
It's low-impact.
307
00:11:46,853 --> 00:11:48,469
It's just for kids. Why was he even there?
308
00:11:48,521 --> 00:11:49,937
They came to pick me up from paintball,
309
00:11:49,973 --> 00:11:51,806
and there were some kids
from Boyd's school playing.
310
00:11:51,858 --> 00:11:53,724
The lucky ones that didn't get invited
311
00:11:53,726 --> 00:11:55,560
to that weenie Spencer's party, okay?
312
00:11:55,612 --> 00:11:57,979
It was just a bunch of kids.
They saw Boyd sitting there.
313
00:11:58,031 --> 00:12:00,231
They invited him to play.
He made a bunch of friends.
314
00:12:00,233 --> 00:12:01,732
That was the idea... to
make some friends, right?
315
00:12:01,734 --> 00:12:05,069
Yeah, friends with guns
...that's called a gang.
316
00:12:05,121 --> 00:12:07,488
They even gave me a nickname. Yeah?
317
00:12:07,540 --> 00:12:11,876
"Bullseye," like a scary
eye on a big, tough bull.
318
00:12:11,911 --> 00:12:14,412
Yeah, that's... Probably why
they gave you that nickname.
319
00:12:16,583 --> 00:12:19,333
He seemed to really hit
it off with this kid Max.
320
00:12:19,385 --> 00:12:21,836
Max is gonna play again next
week. Can I go, too, dad?
321
00:12:21,888 --> 00:12:24,171
Sounds like he really did have a good time.
322
00:12:24,224 --> 00:12:27,225
Max can drink soda through his nose.
323
00:12:27,260 --> 00:12:30,011
Well, uh, what about your buddy Spencer?
324
00:12:30,063 --> 00:12:33,431
Spencer's mom won't let him drink soda.
325
00:12:33,516 --> 00:12:34,432
Babe, please?
326
00:12:35,485 --> 00:12:37,401
I guess we'll be seeing a lot more of Max.
327
00:12:37,437 --> 00:12:39,937
Max is good people.
328
00:12:39,989 --> 00:12:43,024
The kid was nice enough to
share his ammo with Boyd.
329
00:12:43,076 --> 00:12:45,943
Here, here... Here.
330
00:12:55,231 --> 00:12:56,671
Well, all right. Yeah, that's great.
331
00:12:56,701 --> 00:12:58,634
We'll see you in a few minutes.
332
00:12:58,669 --> 00:13:00,919
And tell Spencer I'll whip
him up some mac and cheese.
333
00:13:00,972 --> 00:13:02,621
Of course gluten-free.
334
00:13:03,941 --> 00:13:06,141
Of course without the cheese.
335
00:13:06,177 --> 00:13:08,143
Great news, buddy.
336
00:13:08,179 --> 00:13:09,595
Spencer's coming over for a playdate.
337
00:13:09,647 --> 00:13:10,896
Yay! I'm gonna go build a fort!
338
00:13:10,931 --> 00:13:12,147
Oh. Okay.
339
00:13:12,183 --> 00:13:16,318
But a nonviolent peace fort
where everybody is welcome.
340
00:13:16,354 --> 00:13:18,320
That is great that Sandra's
letting Spencer coming over.
341
00:13:18,356 --> 00:13:19,605
I know. Yeah.
342
00:13:19,607 --> 00:13:21,657
That's the kind of friend I
want Boyd to have, you know?
343
00:13:21,692 --> 00:13:23,409
Not those gunslinging mini psychos
344
00:13:23,444 --> 00:13:24,910
your dad hooked him up with.
345
00:13:24,945 --> 00:13:26,996
All right. Enough, okay?
346
00:13:27,031 --> 00:13:28,947
Uh, how did you get Sandra to agree?
347
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,200
Oh, you know, I can
be very persuasive...
348
00:13:31,252 --> 00:13:35,120
especially when I use the
(Deep voice) NPR voice.
349
00:13:35,172 --> 00:13:36,205
Oh, yeah.
350
00:13:36,257 --> 00:13:38,290
I don't know whether I
want to sleep with you
351
00:13:38,342 --> 00:13:40,843
or... Pledge money.
352
00:13:40,878 --> 00:13:42,628
Well, either way, you will get a tote bag.
353
00:13:42,630 --> 00:13:43,929
(Chuckles)
354
00:13:43,964 --> 00:13:46,245
Now, Sandra just wanted to
make sure our house was safe...
355
00:13:46,267 --> 00:13:48,684
you know, no guns, no
mean dogs or anything.
356
00:13:48,719 --> 00:13:51,720
Uh, and... what did you tell her?
357
00:13:51,772 --> 00:13:54,189
That everything was fine.
358
00:13:54,225 --> 00:13:55,808
Is... That a problem?
359
00:13:55,860 --> 00:13:58,027
Did we get an invisible
dog I don't know about?
360
00:13:58,062 --> 00:13:59,144
(Chuckles) No.
361
00:13:59,196 --> 00:14:00,946
It's just that, you know, as a parent,
362
00:14:00,981 --> 00:14:04,033
I can't in good conscience
lie to another mom, so...
363
00:14:04,068 --> 00:14:06,735
Well, yeah, okay, but we
didn't lie to her, so...
364
00:14:06,787 --> 00:14:11,273
Well, we actually... kind of...
365
00:14:11,308 --> 00:14:12,991
Have a-a gun.
366
00:14:15,146 --> 00:14:16,662
(Laughs)
367
00:14:18,382 --> 00:14:19,498
No, we don't.
368
00:14:20,801 --> 00:14:22,918
I have a gun.
369
00:14:22,970 --> 00:14:24,670
No, you don't.
370
00:14:25,556 --> 00:14:26,855
You have a gun?
371
00:14:26,891 --> 00:14:29,091
I never mentioned it?
372
00:14:29,143 --> 00:14:31,176
I may not listen to
everything you say, Kris,
373
00:14:31,178 --> 00:14:32,594
but I remember the big ones,
374
00:14:32,646 --> 00:14:35,848
like "I'm pregnant" and "I have a gun."
375
00:14:35,900 --> 00:14:38,350
It has always been unloaded
and completely locked up.
376
00:14:38,402 --> 00:14:40,986
You know that safe that's on
the top shelf of my closet?
377
00:14:41,021 --> 00:14:42,187
Yeah. That's for jewelry.
378
00:14:42,239 --> 00:14:44,857
Have you ever given me jewelry
worth putting in a safe?
379
00:14:46,660 --> 00:14:48,026
Okay, that's fair.
380
00:14:48,079 --> 00:14:50,279
But how could you bring a
deadly weapon into our house
381
00:14:50,331 --> 00:14:52,081
and when were you gonna tell me about it?
382
00:14:52,116 --> 00:14:54,083
Ideally, right after saving your life
383
00:14:54,118 --> 00:14:56,034
by shooting an intruder.
384
00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,703
This is unbelievable, Kris!
385
00:14:57,755 --> 00:14:59,788
Look, I got the gun when I was a kid.
386
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:01,623
I-I know this may sound crazy to you,
387
00:15:01,675 --> 00:15:03,809
but from my dad, it was a loving gift.
388
00:15:03,844 --> 00:15:06,178
He... he would take
me to the target range
389
00:15:06,213 --> 00:15:08,597
and teach me gun safety,
390
00:15:08,632 --> 00:15:11,717
and then afterwards, we'd go
out and get root-beer floats.
391
00:15:12,803 --> 00:15:16,722
Okay, look, I am glad
that you have these warm...
392
00:15:16,774 --> 00:15:20,058
Violent memories with your father,
393
00:15:20,060 --> 00:15:21,727
but you don't live with him anymore.
394
00:15:21,779 --> 00:15:23,061
This is our house...
395
00:15:23,114 --> 00:15:25,731
a place where parents
expect their kids to be safe,
396
00:15:25,733 --> 00:15:27,950
a-a place where there's
no guns in the closet
397
00:15:27,985 --> 00:15:29,902
and no cheese in the mac and cheese.
398
00:15:29,904 --> 00:15:33,322
Well, my dad would argue that
having a gun makes it safer.
399
00:15:33,374 --> 00:15:34,973
But what do you believe, Kris?
400
00:15:35,009 --> 00:15:37,126
(Doorbell rings)
401
00:15:37,161 --> 00:15:38,727
Look, you have to decide that.
402
00:15:38,762 --> 00:15:40,212
Spencer's here!
403
00:15:40,247 --> 00:15:42,164
Wait, honey. Don't answer it yet.
404
00:15:42,216 --> 00:15:44,750
Why? So you can lay down some cover fire?
405
00:15:48,222 --> 00:15:49,972
(Sighs)
406
00:15:59,984 --> 00:16:01,266
That's great.
407
00:16:01,268 --> 00:16:04,353
Now you go up and put
something proper on, young lady.
408
00:16:05,856 --> 00:16:09,358
Sorry. Just habit.
409
00:16:09,410 --> 00:16:11,326
This is what I'm wearing to
have cocktails with my friends.
410
00:16:11,362 --> 00:16:12,444
What do you think?
411
00:16:12,446 --> 00:16:16,331
What I think is, "suck it, men. I win."
412
00:16:16,367 --> 00:16:17,950
(Laughs)
413
00:16:19,086 --> 00:16:21,170
Hey. What about you?
414
00:16:21,205 --> 00:16:22,871
What do you think?
415
00:16:25,676 --> 00:16:28,710
She's speechless. Another
reason to love that dress.
416
00:16:29,730 --> 00:16:30,846
You know what?
417
00:16:30,881 --> 00:16:32,931
I may not rock it like
somebody younger would,
418
00:16:32,967 --> 00:16:34,600
but I think I look pretty darn nice.
419
00:16:34,635 --> 00:16:35,801
Unh-unh-unh-unh.
Stop.
420
00:16:37,721 --> 00:16:38,604
Turn.
421
00:16:41,225 --> 00:16:41,773
Turn.
422
00:16:44,662 --> 00:16:46,645
Turn. No, that's enough. I'm not turning.
423
00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,231
No, no, keep spinning.
It'll save money on booze.
424
00:16:52,703 --> 00:16:54,653
Mandy, what
...what is it?
425
00:16:54,705 --> 00:16:56,788
Mom...
426
00:16:56,824 --> 00:16:59,741
I was wrong to think that
you can't wear my designs
427
00:16:59,793 --> 00:17:01,243
just because you're old.
428
00:17:04,331 --> 00:17:07,749
That was so close to a compliment.
429
00:17:07,801 --> 00:17:12,004
You look smokin'-hot, mom.
430
00:17:12,006 --> 00:17:13,388
(Laughs) Thank you.
431
00:17:13,424 --> 00:17:15,340
I'm a miracle worker.
432
00:17:19,513 --> 00:17:20,846
How do you feel?
433
00:17:20,848 --> 00:17:22,848
You've proved Mandy wrong.
434
00:17:22,900 --> 00:17:26,068
Join the club
...the huge club.
435
00:17:26,103 --> 00:17:28,370
Yeah. It feels great
...really great.
436
00:17:28,405 --> 00:17:29,354
Good. Yeah.
437
00:17:29,406 --> 00:17:30,522
I'm gonna go take this dress off now.
438
00:17:30,574 --> 00:17:32,407
Why? I proved my point.
439
00:17:32,443 --> 00:17:35,444
I just... I want to go out with my
girlfriends and feel comfortable.
440
00:17:35,496 --> 00:17:37,029
Don't you want them to see this?
441
00:17:37,031 --> 00:17:39,531
Bet you Suzy's reaction...
surprise, excitement, jealousy.
442
00:17:39,533 --> 00:17:41,867
Kind of hard to tell with
the Botox. It'll just be...
443
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:45,871
Well... It is nice
444
00:17:45,923 --> 00:17:48,257
to let the girls out every once in a while.
445
00:17:48,292 --> 00:17:50,025
Believe me, the boys like it.
446
00:17:52,212 --> 00:17:54,046
Okay. Well, then I'll wear it.
447
00:17:54,098 --> 00:17:55,380
Good. Good. Have fun.
448
00:17:55,432 --> 00:17:56,548
Don't wait up.
449
00:17:56,550 --> 00:17:57,549
Oh, I'll be up.
450
00:17:59,270 --> 00:18:01,970
(Laughing) Wow. Mom, you look fantastic.
451
00:18:02,022 --> 00:18:03,555
I know.
452
00:18:06,143 --> 00:18:08,060
Hey, hey, dad, uh, can I talk to you?
453
00:18:08,062 --> 00:18:09,394
Uh, sure.
454
00:18:09,446 --> 00:18:12,281
You know, the best thing
about you moving out
455
00:18:12,316 --> 00:18:15,734
is I get to see so much of you.
456
00:18:15,736 --> 00:18:19,738
Um, look, I... I need you...
457
00:18:19,790 --> 00:18:21,907
To keep this here for me.
458
00:18:21,959 --> 00:18:24,092
You've done something
terrible, haven't you?
459
00:18:25,629 --> 00:18:28,246
We got to get our stories straight.
460
00:18:28,299 --> 00:18:32,417
No, uh, Ryan doesn't
want it in the apartment.
461
00:18:32,469 --> 00:18:34,786
Taking orders from Ryan, huh?
462
00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:36,638
It was my decision.
463
00:18:36,674 --> 00:18:38,757
It's your right.
464
00:18:38,809 --> 00:18:41,510
It's also my right to tell
you it's a stupid decision.
465
00:18:41,562 --> 00:18:44,596
In the car on the way over
here, I was, uh, thinking
466
00:18:44,648 --> 00:18:46,965
about that summer up at camp
when you taught me how to shoot.
467
00:18:47,001 --> 00:18:48,100
Do you remember that?
468
00:18:48,102 --> 00:18:49,318
Uh, tick summer.
469
00:18:49,353 --> 00:18:51,269
No, that was the sunburn summer.
470
00:18:51,271 --> 00:18:52,270
Yeah.
471
00:18:52,323 --> 00:18:53,939
You lined up the cans on the fence,
472
00:18:53,941 --> 00:18:56,258
and you told me to pretend
that they were Craig Gerard
473
00:18:56,293 --> 00:18:58,827
because he kept calling me "Sissy Krissy."
474
00:18:58,862 --> 00:19:00,829
He ended up marrying a
dude, didn't he? Mm-hmm.
475
00:19:00,864 --> 00:19:02,948
So he was probably just
projecting back then.
476
00:19:02,950 --> 00:19:05,917
And when I was 16...
477
00:19:05,953 --> 00:19:08,036
You gave me this gun.
478
00:19:08,088 --> 00:19:09,808
I had a big fight with your mom about that.
479
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:11,256
She said we should get you a car.
480
00:19:11,291 --> 00:19:13,492
I said with a gun, you can
get whatever car you want.
481
00:19:14,978 --> 00:19:16,428
When I moved out,
482
00:19:16,463 --> 00:19:19,381
uh, I knew I wouldn't have
you to protect me anymore,
483
00:19:19,433 --> 00:19:20,766
but I had this.
484
00:19:20,801 --> 00:19:23,468
You know, it was a sort
of piece of you with me,
485
00:19:23,470 --> 00:19:25,637
and it made it a lot easier.
486
00:19:25,639 --> 00:19:27,806
But I'm getting married now,
487
00:19:27,808 --> 00:19:31,143
and I want Ryan to feel
comfortable in our home,
488
00:19:31,145 --> 00:19:33,528
so I am getting rid of the couch
489
00:19:33,564 --> 00:19:35,881
and anything that kills people.
490
00:19:35,916 --> 00:19:38,250
Thank God you got Boyd
around to protect you.
491
00:19:38,285 --> 00:19:41,486
That and we don't own
anything worth stealing, so...
492
00:19:41,488 --> 00:19:44,406
Well, certainly not anymore.
493
00:19:44,458 --> 00:19:45,490
Dad...
494
00:19:45,492 --> 00:19:47,325
I get it. I get it, okay?
495
00:19:47,378 --> 00:19:48,827
Are you mad? No, I'm not mad.
496
00:19:48,829 --> 00:19:50,212
I just want you to remember...
497
00:19:50,247 --> 00:19:51,913
when he's out delivering for a weekend
498
00:19:51,965 --> 00:19:54,166
and you hear some noise in
the house that scares you...
499
00:19:54,218 --> 00:19:56,334
I know, I know... don't
come crying to you.
500
00:19:56,387 --> 00:19:57,836
No. You call me.
501
00:19:57,888 --> 00:20:00,255
I'll be there before you hang up the phone.
502
00:20:09,060 --> 00:20:11,477
The Bill of Rights...
the actual Bill of Rights.
503
00:20:11,529 --> 00:20:14,263
I got to get this back.
They're gonna be pretty upset.
504
00:20:14,298 --> 00:20:16,565
This sacred document means different things
505
00:20:16,567 --> 00:20:18,000
to different people.
506
00:20:18,035 --> 00:20:20,586
To a patriot, it's a safeguard
for those personal freedoms
507
00:20:20,621 --> 00:20:22,805
we hold back from the federal government.
508
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:25,374
For Nic Cage, it's a coded treasure map
509
00:20:25,409 --> 00:20:28,827
leading him to Ben Franklin's gold.
510
00:20:28,879 --> 00:20:30,946
The First Amendment...
boy, that's a big one.
511
00:20:30,981 --> 00:20:33,048
Freedom of speech and
religion, also known as
512
00:20:33,084 --> 00:20:36,618
"why you can't shove a Jehovah's
Witness off your porch."
513
00:20:36,654 --> 00:20:38,887
Second Amendment...
oh, boy, here we go...
514
00:20:38,923 --> 00:20:40,155
the right to bear arms.
515
00:20:40,191 --> 00:20:42,891
And by "arms," I think
the founders also meant...
516
00:20:42,927 --> 00:20:44,393
Finger guns.
517
00:20:44,428 --> 00:20:47,029
Outdoor Man encourages gun rights, safety,
518
00:20:47,064 --> 00:20:48,330
and respect for others.
519
00:20:48,365 --> 00:20:51,133
Our focus must be on
keeping guns in proper hands.
520
00:20:51,168 --> 00:20:54,203
Now, 99% of you gun owners
are smart, sane people.
521
00:20:54,238 --> 00:20:57,406
I'm not talking to you, so
go on about your business.
522
00:20:57,441 --> 00:20:59,741
This message is for the crazy people.
523
00:20:59,777 --> 00:21:01,443
You know who you are.
524
00:21:01,479 --> 00:21:03,061
You wear full-body armor
525
00:21:03,097 --> 00:21:06,432
and carry an AK-47 to
order a burrito at Chipotle.
526
00:21:06,467 --> 00:21:07,866
Not necessary.
527
00:21:07,902 --> 00:21:10,101
If you ask politely,
they'll give the extra salsa.
39135
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