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1
00:00:00,700 --> 00:00:04,401
Kids, the early bloom of a romance
is a wonderful thing.
2
00:00:04,501 --> 00:00:06,801
You meet someone,
you have a connection,
3
00:00:06,901 --> 00:00:09,601
and that person becomes
sheer perfection in your eyes.
4
00:00:09,801 --> 00:00:11,802
You just can't find
anything wrong with them.
5
00:00:12,002 --> 00:00:13,902
And you can't wait to tell
the world about it.
6
00:00:14,102 --> 00:00:16,203
She convinced you
to go jogging?
7
00:00:16,303 --> 00:00:18,903
Wow, you really want to get
in this girl's pants.
8
00:00:19,103 --> 00:00:20,703
I'm telling you,
you guys are gonna love her.
9
00:00:20,803 --> 00:00:22,604
Lily, she knows all about art.
10
00:00:22,704 --> 00:00:25,304
Marshall, she's open to the
existence of UFOs.
11
00:00:25,404 --> 00:00:28,705
Barney, she's hot.
Robin, she's not hotter than you.
12
00:00:29,205 --> 00:00:31,205
- Like her already.
- How not hotter?
13
00:00:32,905 --> 00:00:34,005
So we all went out to dinner,
14
00:00:34,105 --> 00:00:37,506
and I couldn't wait to see if my friends
were as crazy about Cathy as I was.
15
00:00:37,606 --> 00:00:39,706
So, what's everyone getting?
16
00:00:39,906 --> 00:00:41,307
Well, I can't decide.
17
00:00:41,507 --> 00:00:43,607
Which sounds better,
chicken or lasagna?
18
00:00:43,707 --> 00:00:45,907
Lasagna. Just get the lasagna!
19
00:00:47,308 --> 00:00:49,508
Oh. You guys just
got a new place.
20
00:00:49,608 --> 00:00:51,008
How many bedrooms is it?
21
00:00:51,108 --> 00:00:52,608
Two. It's two bedrooms!
22
00:00:55,609 --> 00:00:58,309
Okay! Let's hear it.
23
00:00:58,509 --> 00:00:59,810
What's wrong with Cathy?
24
00:00:59,810 --> 00:01:01,310
Are you kidding me, Ted?
25
00:01:01,410 --> 00:01:04,310
- She's got a...
- Wait! You don't notice it?
26
00:01:04,510 --> 00:01:05,411
Notice what?
27
00:01:05,611 --> 00:01:07,111
Oh, he doesn't see it.
28
00:01:07,211 --> 00:01:09,811
If we point it out,
we're gonna ruin her for him.
29
00:01:10,011 --> 00:01:12,012
As his friends, we'll just
keep him in the dark.
30
00:01:12,012 --> 00:01:13,112
You're right.
31
00:01:13,612 --> 00:01:14,712
She's great, man.
32
00:01:16,112 --> 00:01:18,413
She's a keeper. Just...
33
00:01:18,513 --> 00:01:20,213
keep her somewhere else.
34
00:01:20,713 --> 00:01:23,413
How I Met Your Mother 3x08
- Spoiler Alert -
35
00:01:34,815 --> 00:01:37,516
Marshall, what is everyone's
problem with Cathy?
36
00:01:37,516 --> 00:01:39,916
Oh, she's a total nightmare, Ted,
but can we talk about this later?
37
00:01:40,016 --> 00:01:42,817
I'm a minute away from finding out
if I'm gonna be a lawyer or not.
38
00:01:42,917 --> 00:01:44,517
You see, kids,
during the summer,
39
00:01:44,617 --> 00:01:46,417
Marshall had taken
the New York Bar exam.
40
00:01:47,217 --> 00:01:49,618
His years of school,
his countless hours of study,
41
00:01:49,618 --> 00:01:52,718
had finally culminated in this
grueling, two-day ordeal.
42
00:01:52,718 --> 00:01:54,819
And... begin.
43
00:01:58,319 --> 00:01:59,919
The pressure of it
was enormous.
44
00:02:00,019 --> 00:02:02,420
Every year, people taking
the bar simply cracked.
45
00:02:11,821 --> 00:02:13,322
But Marshall
had made it through.
46
00:02:13,522 --> 00:02:14,522
And...
47
00:02:14,922 --> 00:02:15,622
time.
48
00:02:23,623 --> 00:02:25,223
- Time's up.
- Right.
49
00:02:25,524 --> 00:02:26,524
Time.
50
00:02:26,824 --> 00:02:27,824
- Sir.
- I know.
51
00:02:27,924 --> 00:02:29,624
- Your time is...
- I know it is.
52
00:02:29,624 --> 00:02:30,924
Give me...!
53
00:02:33,125 --> 00:02:35,325
Now, months later,
the results of that exam
54
00:02:35,325 --> 00:02:37,826
were scheduled
to post online at 10:00,
55
00:02:37,826 --> 00:02:39,426
and it was 9:59.
56
00:02:39,526 --> 00:02:41,226
Damn, they're not up yet.
57
00:02:41,326 --> 00:02:43,727
Oh, don't worry, baby.
I'm sure you rocked it.
58
00:02:43,927 --> 00:02:45,727
I mean, how many people
fail the bar?
59
00:02:45,727 --> 00:02:46,627
Half.
60
00:02:46,627 --> 00:02:49,727
Oh, my God, half?
Only half the people pass?
61
00:02:49,828 --> 00:02:52,428
I mean, half the people pass.
That's fantastic.
62
00:02:52,528 --> 00:02:53,728
Go, Marshall.
63
00:02:53,828 --> 00:02:56,029
Oh, hey, can I jump on there?
I want to show you something awesome.
64
00:02:56,129 --> 00:02:58,729
What? No, no.
Bar results. My future.
65
00:02:58,829 --> 00:03:00,629
Trust me. You need
to see this.
66
00:03:00,629 --> 00:03:02,930
What is so important
that I need to see it right now?
67
00:03:03,030 --> 00:03:05,930
It's a video of a dog
pooping on a baby.
68
00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:10,431
How do I need to see that?
69
00:03:10,531 --> 00:03:12,631
Why would I want to see that?
70
00:03:12,731 --> 00:03:16,632
In what possible way could
subjecting my eyes and my brain
71
00:03:16,732 --> 00:03:19,232
to something that disgusting
enrich my life?
72
00:03:20,032 --> 00:03:23,033
It's a dog pooping on a baby.
73
00:03:23,533 --> 00:03:24,833
Get away from my computer.
74
00:03:24,933 --> 00:03:26,633
Okay, just do a quick Google
search for "caca spaniel."
75
00:03:28,734 --> 00:03:31,334
- The results are in.
- Whoo. What's it say?
76
00:03:31,734 --> 00:03:33,035
"Input password."
77
00:03:33,235 --> 00:03:35,035
Input the password !
78
00:03:35,035 --> 00:03:36,935
It's okay. They assigned it
to me when I took the test.
79
00:03:37,135 --> 00:03:38,735
It's gotta be around here
somewhere.
80
00:03:39,036 --> 00:03:40,436
Here. Here-here-here-here.
81
00:03:41,236 --> 00:03:43,836
Jelly beans, fluffernutter,
Gummi Bears, ginger snaps...
82
00:03:44,136 --> 00:03:45,237
This is a grocery list
83
00:03:45,337 --> 00:03:48,237
For who? A witch building
a house in the forest?
84
00:03:48,637 --> 00:03:50,337
Sugar helps me study.
85
00:03:50,837 --> 00:03:52,838
This is like the shopping
a ten-year-old does
86
00:03:52,938 --> 00:03:54,838
when his parents leave him alone
for the weekend.
87
00:03:54,938 --> 00:03:57,739
What parent leaves a ten-
year-old alone for the weekend?
88
00:03:58,339 --> 00:03:59,639
And your mom was perfect.
89
00:04:00,739 --> 00:04:02,339
I can't find my password!
90
00:04:02,339 --> 00:04:04,340
Okay, just... can't you let 'em know
that you lost it
91
00:04:04,340 --> 00:04:05,640
and they'll e-mail it
to you or something?
92
00:04:05,740 --> 00:04:08,340
No! They won't let me do that. I'm gonna
have to wait till the results come
93
00:04:08,340 --> 00:04:11,241
in the regular mail. That could be
weeks from now, if ever!
94
00:04:11,341 --> 00:04:12,941
Our mail carrier hates me
95
00:04:13,041 --> 00:04:14,641
ever since I asked her
when the baby was due.
96
00:04:14,741 --> 00:04:17,842
- She wasn't pregnant?
- No, he was not.
97
00:04:18,642 --> 00:04:21,042
Okay, well, that's a drag,
but the results will come eventually.
98
00:04:21,142 --> 00:04:23,143
Just try to keep it off
your mind until then.
99
00:04:25,943 --> 00:04:27,243
Hey, Brad.
100
00:04:27,543 --> 00:04:29,544
Oh, congratulations, man.
101
00:04:30,744 --> 00:04:33,044
I'm, uh... I'm not sure yet.
I...
102
00:04:33,144 --> 00:04:34,645
lost my password.
103
00:04:34,745 --> 00:04:36,545
That's great, Cara.
104
00:04:37,145 --> 00:04:39,545
I don't know yet.
I lost my password.
105
00:04:39,645 --> 00:04:41,846
I don't know how I lost it!
106
00:04:41,946 --> 00:04:43,446
This stuff happens!
107
00:04:45,646 --> 00:04:48,547
You're one to talk.
You misplace stuff all the time.
108
00:04:50,047 --> 00:04:54,248
I'm sorry. I'm sure the nurses are
stealing your medicine, Grandma.
109
00:04:55,448 --> 00:04:56,448
Love you, too.
110
00:04:57,848 --> 00:05:00,149
If I have to wait six weeks
to find out if I passed,
111
00:05:00,149 --> 00:05:01,649
I'm gonna have
a heart attack.
112
00:05:01,949 --> 00:05:04,849
Based on that grocery list, I'd
say diabetes is a bigger worry.
113
00:05:05,450 --> 00:05:06,750
You know what?
Laugh all you want.
114
00:05:06,850 --> 00:05:08,850
This affects my whole
future, all right?
115
00:05:09,650 --> 00:05:12,351
Okay. I probably shouldn't
be telling you this.
116
00:05:12,451 --> 00:05:14,351
I definitely shouldn't
be telling you this,
117
00:05:14,351 --> 00:05:16,851
but there is a way I can
help you with your problem.
118
00:05:17,351 --> 00:05:18,252
How?
119
00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:20,252
I know a guy at work.
120
00:05:20,552 --> 00:05:24,253
He can get access to software
designed to penetrate firewalls
121
00:05:24,253 --> 00:05:26,553
and retrieve passwords
through secure servers.
122
00:05:26,953 --> 00:05:28,653
I can get into any computer.
123
00:05:29,053 --> 00:05:29,954
So what do we do?
124
00:05:29,954 --> 00:05:32,854
Like, arrange a secret meeting
in a darkened parking structure?
125
00:05:34,054 --> 00:05:35,154
- No.
- Can we?
126
00:05:35,554 --> 00:05:36,855
- No.
- I have a trench coat.
127
00:05:36,955 --> 00:05:38,255
Dude, be cool.
128
00:05:42,356 --> 00:05:44,556
So, I just got off the phone
with Cathy.
129
00:05:44,656 --> 00:05:47,856
God, you guys are so right.
I totally hear it now.
130
00:05:48,857 --> 00:05:49,957
See it now?
131
00:05:51,157 --> 00:05:52,357
Smell it?
132
00:05:53,057 --> 00:05:53,957
What is it?!
133
00:05:53,957 --> 00:05:55,658
I left the table
for two minutes.
134
00:05:55,658 --> 00:05:58,058
What could she have possibly done
in that time that was so horrible?
135
00:05:58,158 --> 00:05:58,958
Was it...
136
00:05:59,158 --> 00:06:00,759
I'll be back in one second.
137
00:06:02,459 --> 00:06:05,059
One time, in the tenth grade,
as a joke,
138
00:06:05,359 --> 00:06:08,960
I told everyone that my English teacher
had sex with me.
139
00:06:10,460 --> 00:06:11,860
He's still in jail.
140
00:06:13,161 --> 00:06:13,861
Or maybe...
141
00:06:14,261 --> 00:06:15,961
I'll be back in a second.
142
00:06:17,861 --> 00:06:19,562
So I volunteer at the pound.
143
00:06:19,662 --> 00:06:22,162
- Oh, isn't that nice?
- Yeah.
144
00:06:22,562 --> 00:06:25,963
You can't imagine the rush you get
from killing an unwanted puppy.
145
00:06:27,263 --> 00:06:29,363
I make bracelets
out of the collars.
146
00:06:31,063 --> 00:06:31,764
Or...
147
00:06:32,064 --> 00:06:33,264
I'll be back in one second.
148
00:06:35,564 --> 00:06:37,465
I bet he's going to the urinal.
149
00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:42,065
Yeah. I remember when
I had a penis.
150
00:06:43,465 --> 00:06:46,266
It wasn't anything she did
while you were in the bathroom.
151
00:06:46,266 --> 00:06:48,366
It's just the way she is.
152
00:06:48,566 --> 00:06:51,767
I don't get it. If it's so obvious
and you guys all see it,
153
00:06:51,867 --> 00:06:52,867
how come I don't?
154
00:06:53,067 --> 00:06:54,667
'Cause we're not trying
to have sex with her.
155
00:06:55,467 --> 00:06:58,168
Brother, you're driving the "I want
to have sex with her" truck,
156
00:06:58,168 --> 00:07:00,168
and it's got a huge blind spot.
157
00:07:00,568 --> 00:07:03,569
- That's ridiculous.
- Is it really?
158
00:07:03,869 --> 00:07:05,869
Ted, let me tell you a little story
159
00:07:05,869 --> 00:07:08,270
about a young lady I wanted
to have sex with...
160
00:07:08,570 --> 00:07:09,470
Lucilia.
161
00:07:10,070 --> 00:07:13,270
On a white sand beach
in Rio de Janeiro,
162
00:07:13,470 --> 00:07:16,371
we made love
for ten straight hours.
163
00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:18,371
When we were done,
164
00:07:18,471 --> 00:07:19,771
she applauded
165
00:07:20,171 --> 00:07:23,172
and told me
I was far, far better
166
00:07:23,172 --> 00:07:26,372
than the best lover
she could possibly imagine,
167
00:07:26,572 --> 00:07:29,773
and that I had restored
her faith in God.
168
00:07:32,473 --> 00:07:34,074
What does this
have to do with Cathy?
169
00:07:34,574 --> 00:07:35,274
Who's Cathy?
170
00:07:36,374 --> 00:07:39,575
Just tell me what the hell
is wrong with her already.
171
00:07:39,975 --> 00:07:42,275
- Okay. You want to know?
- Yes.
172
00:07:42,375 --> 00:07:45,976
You want to shatter this beautiful
illusion you've created for yourself?
173
00:07:46,176 --> 00:07:47,976
Fine. Here it is.
174
00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:50,676
Cathy talks...
175
00:07:51,377 --> 00:07:52,377
a lot.
176
00:07:54,277 --> 00:07:56,577
Oh, come on.
That's not true.
177
00:07:56,677 --> 00:08:01,678
Ted. Really, really think about
that dinner we all just had together.
178
00:08:02,078 --> 00:08:02,978
And I did.
179
00:08:03,579 --> 00:08:05,479
So, what's
everyone getting?
180
00:08:05,779 --> 00:08:07,279
Well, I can't decide.
181
00:08:07,479 --> 00:08:09,579
Which sounds better,
chicken or lasagna?
182
00:08:09,780 --> 00:08:11,980
I like chicken. I like lasagna.
I like them both,
183
00:08:11,980 --> 00:08:14,680
but I really like pork.
A lot of people don't eat pork,
184
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,781
and maybe it's because
of that movie Babe or something.
185
00:08:16,881 --> 00:08:19,981
But that was funny. He was a talking pig
and he was like "Bah, Ram, Ewe!"
186
00:08:19,981 --> 00:08:22,282
What-what if there was a sorority,
"Bah, Ram, Ewe?"
187
00:08:22,382 --> 00:08:25,882
I'd totally rush it.
...And so I named him Dr. Seuss!
188
00:08:26,582 --> 00:08:30,183
- Lorax is a funny word.
- Lasagna! Just get the lasagna!
189
00:08:31,683 --> 00:08:33,683
Oh, you guys just got a new place.
190
00:08:33,783 --> 00:08:35,084
How many bedrooms is it?
191
00:08:35,284 --> 00:08:36,984
I would love
to have an extra bedroom,
192
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:38,384
because I would put
a Stairmaster in there.
193
00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:40,385
But you guys should get
a convertible sofa.
194
00:08:40,485 --> 00:08:43,485
Or a futon. Futons are great. Or what
about one of those Murphy beds?
195
00:08:43,885 --> 00:08:45,885
Who invented the Murphy bed?
Was it a guy named Murphy?
196
00:08:45,885 --> 00:08:48,386
Oh, my God. Do you guys remember
that show Murphy Brown?
197
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:51,686
That was a funny show.
She had a new assistant every episode.
198
00:08:51,686 --> 00:08:53,487
...and it was like half an hour
before I realized
199
00:08:53,487 --> 00:08:56,887
he wasn't even on the phone anymore!
Isn't that hysterical?
200
00:08:57,187 --> 00:08:59,188
Two! It's two bedrooms!
201
00:09:00,188 --> 00:09:02,388
Hey, do you guys
like cannolis?
202
00:09:02,388 --> 00:09:04,188
Because I know this place
and it's in the South Bronx
203
00:09:04,188 --> 00:09:07,189
and you wouldn't expect it, but
they have the best cannolis in town.
204
00:09:08,989 --> 00:09:11,190
And just like that,
the illusion was shattered.
205
00:09:12,490 --> 00:09:15,690
She just never
shuts up, does she?
206
00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:18,991
She didn't stop
to swallow her food.
207
00:09:19,091 --> 00:09:21,491
I was scared for her.
I didn't want her to choke.
208
00:09:22,191 --> 00:09:22,991
At first.
209
00:09:28,892 --> 00:09:31,793
So kids, this girls I was dating
would not stop talking.
210
00:09:31,993 --> 00:09:33,693
Can you imagine
how awful that is?
211
00:09:39,094 --> 00:09:40,294
Do you own a wok?
212
00:09:40,394 --> 00:09:42,195
'Cause that's really how...
213
00:09:43,795 --> 00:09:45,395
Don't you just love autumn?
214
00:09:45,395 --> 00:09:49,496
Today I'm dressed for...
Oh, my God. The sweetest thing.
215
00:09:49,896 --> 00:09:52,696
And I know this great place
where we can go.
216
00:09:52,696 --> 00:09:55,797
They have guys and girls clothes.
We could both shop at the same time.
217
00:09:55,797 --> 00:09:57,897
And a lot of times boyfriends
and girlfriends...
218
00:09:58,197 --> 00:10:00,998
Hey! Why are you running so fast?
219
00:10:01,998 --> 00:10:05,698
Well, thank you, pal.
You and your little friends,
220
00:10:05,698 --> 00:10:06,899
you just had to tell me.
221
00:10:06,999 --> 00:10:09,199
You just had to give in
to my incessant begging.
222
00:10:09,299 --> 00:10:10,899
You said
that you wanted to know.
223
00:10:10,999 --> 00:10:14,400
- I didn't want to know!
- You said you wanted to know!
224
00:10:14,500 --> 00:10:17,600
Well, I didn't know
I didn't want to know! You knew.
225
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:21,501
And you know me. And you should
have known I didn't want to know!
226
00:10:22,101 --> 00:10:23,201
You know?
227
00:10:23,801 --> 00:10:27,402
I'm sorry we told you. I'm surprised she
didn't tell you herself at some point.
228
00:10:27,502 --> 00:10:30,102
There's only a finite combination
of words in the English language.
229
00:10:30,602 --> 00:10:32,903
Well, you could have let me
enjoy it a little longer.
230
00:10:33,003 --> 00:10:35,403
She's got all these other
great qualities. She's smart.
231
00:10:35,403 --> 00:10:37,103
She's caring.
She loves animals...
232
00:10:37,103 --> 00:10:39,104
You know how to teach her a lesson?
Buy her a parrot.
233
00:10:40,604 --> 00:10:44,305
Oh, come on. I'm sorry
that we told you, okay?
234
00:10:44,405 --> 00:10:46,305
It's part of being
in a relationship.
235
00:10:46,305 --> 00:10:48,705
Eventually, you get used
to these annoying little things
236
00:10:48,705 --> 00:10:50,406
that bug you at first.
237
00:10:50,606 --> 00:10:51,706
Yeah, I guess.
238
00:10:51,706 --> 00:10:54,206
I mean, you got used
to Lily's loud chewing, right?
239
00:10:56,307 --> 00:10:58,207
Lily doesn't chew loudly.
240
00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:01,807
Dude...
Come on. This isn't news.
241
00:11:02,008 --> 00:11:03,608
Why do you think I call her
"Chewbacca"?
242
00:11:04,208 --> 00:11:06,808
I assumed because she's loyal,
wears shiny belts
243
00:11:06,808 --> 00:11:08,509
and I resemble
a young Harrison Ford.
244
00:11:10,509 --> 00:11:11,709
Think about it.
245
00:11:39,414 --> 00:11:41,414
Oh, man, honestly, dude,
246
00:11:41,514 --> 00:11:43,514
that's the meanest thing
you've ever done to me.
247
00:11:43,614 --> 00:11:45,115
I really thought you knew.
248
00:11:45,115 --> 00:11:48,015
We had ribs the other night.
It sounded like Jurassic Park.
249
00:11:48,615 --> 00:11:51,816
Ha-ha-ha. You know what?
It doesn't matter.
250
00:11:51,916 --> 00:11:52,816
But it did.
251
00:12:13,519 --> 00:12:15,219
Say, what's in that cereal
252
00:12:15,319 --> 00:12:18,320
besides dry twigs
and small animal bones?
253
00:12:19,220 --> 00:12:20,820
What's that supposed to mean?
254
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,421
Lily, I love you,
but honest to God,
255
00:12:23,521 --> 00:12:27,221
when you eat, it sounds like a garbage
disposal full of drywall screws.
256
00:12:27,921 --> 00:12:29,522
What's the matter with you?
257
00:12:29,622 --> 00:12:32,022
We've been together ten years,
and you're saying this now?
258
00:12:32,122 --> 00:12:35,623
Well, I never noticed it before
until...
259
00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:37,123
Until what?
260
00:12:37,223 --> 00:12:39,823
Can you believe Ted?
What a lame thing to say,
261
00:12:39,823 --> 00:12:41,324
that I'm a loud chewer.
262
00:12:44,024 --> 00:12:46,124
Yeah, that's crazy.
263
00:12:48,825 --> 00:12:50,425
Maybe enough with the pretzels.
264
00:12:51,725 --> 00:12:54,026
Oh, my God, do I really chew
that loudly?
265
00:12:54,126 --> 00:12:57,126
No, no, no.
266
00:12:57,526 --> 00:13:00,127
Okay, now that
you pointed it out,
267
00:13:00,327 --> 00:13:05,328
maybe it does sound slightly like someone
put a screwdriver in a pencil sharpener,
268
00:13:05,728 --> 00:13:07,328
but in a cute way.
269
00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:11,129
This is all Ted's fault.
Oh, like he's so perfect,
270
00:13:11,229 --> 00:13:12,529
Mr. Corrector.
271
00:13:12,929 --> 00:13:13,629
What do you mean?
272
00:13:13,829 --> 00:13:15,929
Oh, come on. You dated
the guy for a year
273
00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:20,230
and you never noticed that most of
what Ted says is correcting you.
274
00:13:21,930 --> 00:13:23,831
Hey, can you hand me a Kleenex?
275
00:13:23,931 --> 00:13:27,931
Actually, Kleenex is a brand.
This is a facial tissue.
276
00:13:29,632 --> 00:13:32,432
Oh, my God, is Frankenstein
gonna kill that little girl?
277
00:13:32,532 --> 00:13:34,832
Uh, Dr. Frankenstein
isn't in this scene.
278
00:13:35,032 --> 00:13:36,933
That's Frankenstein's monster.
279
00:13:39,933 --> 00:13:42,534
That literally blew my mind.
280
00:13:42,534 --> 00:13:44,234
Figuratively.
281
00:13:47,134 --> 00:13:49,335
Oh, my God, you're right.
282
00:13:49,635 --> 00:13:52,035
- That is so annoying.
- Isn't it?
283
00:13:53,535 --> 00:13:55,836
Where are those pretzels from,
Ace Hardware?
284
00:14:03,537 --> 00:14:06,538
Hey, man, you like kettle corn? I'm
trying to get rid of anything crunchy.
285
00:14:06,838 --> 00:14:08,238
Are the blinds closed?
286
00:14:08,638 --> 00:14:10,738
- I don't know.
- Are the blinds closed?!
287
00:14:12,639 --> 00:14:14,639
Yes, the blinds are closed.
288
00:14:14,739 --> 00:14:16,639
Good, I didn't think I was followed,
but you can never be too sure.
289
00:14:16,639 --> 00:14:18,740
Now double-lock the door
and stay away from the windows.
290
00:14:19,940 --> 00:14:22,040
Is there a reason that
you're acting like this?
291
00:14:22,140 --> 00:14:24,440
We're about to find out
if you're a lawyer.
292
00:14:24,941 --> 00:14:28,441
Now, in good conscience, I have to
inform you that using this software
293
00:14:28,441 --> 00:14:30,441
is in violation
of the Patriot Act,
294
00:14:30,541 --> 00:14:32,242
the Strategic Defense Initiative,
295
00:14:32,242 --> 00:14:36,542
and the National Security Act
of 1948, which created the CIA.
296
00:14:36,842 --> 00:14:39,343
So I hope you passed
the bar because
297
00:14:39,343 --> 00:14:41,143
if we use this software,
298
00:14:41,243 --> 00:14:44,044
the night janitor Gligor
who I fooled into putting
299
00:14:44,044 --> 00:14:46,244
fingerprints on my computer,
is going to need a good lawyer.
300
00:14:47,744 --> 00:14:50,345
Are you certain you want
to go through with this?
301
00:14:51,145 --> 00:14:53,545
I have to know,
yes, yes.
302
00:14:54,245 --> 00:14:55,546
Very good.
303
00:14:55,846 --> 00:14:58,246
First, we go to the New York
State Bar Web site.
304
00:14:58,546 --> 00:15:00,146
We disable the firewall,
305
00:15:00,246 --> 00:15:02,647
then the recursive algorithm
grabs your password,
306
00:15:02,947 --> 00:15:07,848
and as the application erases itself
leaving no trace we were here ever...
307
00:15:08,848 --> 00:15:11,248
you ready
to see your future, bro?
308
00:15:11,448 --> 00:15:12,348
Yes.
309
00:15:20,750 --> 00:15:23,650
It's a dog pooping on a baby.
310
00:15:23,750 --> 00:15:25,650
Right!
Isn't that awesome?
311
00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:28,751
So you went through all this just
to get me to look at your stupid video?
312
00:15:28,851 --> 00:15:29,851
Yeah, it was worth it.
313
00:15:29,851 --> 00:15:32,351
Barney, Barney, that was
the biggest test of my life.
314
00:15:32,351 --> 00:15:34,652
I'm incredibly stressed out
right now, and I...
315
00:15:36,652 --> 00:15:38,352
Okay, that's pretty funny.
316
00:15:40,353 --> 00:15:42,353
You got to see this.
317
00:15:44,153 --> 00:15:45,254
Yeah, I have to...
318
00:15:47,754 --> 00:15:49,654
She'll call back
when she realizes I'm gone.
319
00:15:49,654 --> 00:15:51,355
Probably in about 45 minutes.
320
00:15:52,655 --> 00:15:54,255
- Hey.
- Hi.
321
00:15:54,355 --> 00:15:56,955
- You guys want a drink?
- I'll just have a water.
322
00:15:56,955 --> 00:15:59,156
Mm, technically,
water is a drink.
323
00:15:59,556 --> 00:16:02,056
Really, Professor?
You drink it?
324
00:16:02,156 --> 00:16:03,557
Is that how water works?
325
00:16:03,557 --> 00:16:06,457
Because I was just gonna smear it
on my skin and hope that I absorbed it.
326
00:16:07,057 --> 00:16:09,358
Or you could, you know,
pour it over your shirt.
327
00:16:10,458 --> 00:16:11,658
What's with you?
328
00:16:11,758 --> 00:16:13,458
You're always correcting people.
329
00:16:15,058 --> 00:16:16,659
- You totally do that!
- That's absolutely right.
330
00:16:16,659 --> 00:16:20,059
Right? I never noticed it before,
and now it's literally driving me crazy.
331
00:16:20,159 --> 00:16:21,159
Figuratively.
332
00:16:22,260 --> 00:16:25,260
Okay, maybe so, but it's no worse
than you using the word "literally"
333
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:26,960
in every other sentence.
334
00:16:28,061 --> 00:16:30,561
Don't they teach
vocabulary in Canada?
335
00:16:30,561 --> 00:16:33,461
They literally don't.
They literally don't.
336
00:16:33,561 --> 00:16:34,762
Shut up, Marshall.
337
00:16:34,762 --> 00:16:38,562
That's nothing compared to your thing
of singing what you do all the time.
338
00:16:38,562 --> 00:16:39,362
What?
339
00:16:39,762 --> 00:16:43,563
Paying my bills
using return address labels
340
00:16:43,563 --> 00:16:48,164
From a charity
that I haven't given money to
341
00:16:50,764 --> 00:16:54,265
Writing a check
'cause now I feel guilty
342
00:16:54,265 --> 00:16:57,865
The Salivation Army
does not fight fair.
343
00:17:01,566 --> 00:17:04,566
Heading down to
the basement today
344
00:17:04,666 --> 00:17:08,367
With my laundry
and a roll of quarters
345
00:17:11,868 --> 00:17:16,468
But I'm back too soon 'cause I left
the detergent and the fabric softener
346
00:17:19,469 --> 00:17:22,969
- Those lines are so sloppy.
- Oh, come on!
347
00:17:23,270 --> 00:17:25,070
What about you, "Barney"?
348
00:17:25,070 --> 00:17:27,570
Okay, you...
349
00:17:28,170 --> 00:17:30,571
- always...
- Interesting, interesting,
350
00:17:30,671 --> 00:17:32,971
everyone has annoying habits
but me.
351
00:17:33,371 --> 00:17:34,871
Oh, got it.
352
00:17:34,871 --> 00:17:39,272
Okay, you sometimes talk
in a weird high-pitched voice.
353
00:17:40,872 --> 00:17:44,273
And you're constantly using
lame catchphrases.
354
00:17:45,573 --> 00:17:47,874
And sometimes you space out
355
00:17:47,974 --> 00:17:49,974
and don't even pay attention
to what we're talking about.
356
00:17:52,474 --> 00:17:53,374
I'm sorry. What?
357
00:17:54,275 --> 00:17:56,575
Oh, see?
You can't think of anything
358
00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:58,675
'Cause I'm awesome!
359
00:17:58,975 --> 00:18:00,076
All three right there.
360
00:18:00,176 --> 00:18:02,176
Well, technically, "awesome"
wouldn't be a catchphrase.
361
00:18:02,276 --> 00:18:03,876
If anything,
it's more of a catchword.
362
00:18:03,976 --> 00:18:06,277
I literally want
to rip your head off.
363
00:18:06,377 --> 00:18:08,577
You mean "figuratively"!
364
00:18:08,577 --> 00:18:11,577
No, I literally mean "literally."
365
00:18:11,577 --> 00:18:14,278
Literally, literally, literally.
366
00:18:14,378 --> 00:18:17,578
Oh, my God, Lily, what
are you eating, gravel?
367
00:18:17,578 --> 00:18:20,679
Oh, I know, right? It sounds like
cufflinks going up a vacuum cleaner.
368
00:18:20,779 --> 00:18:22,379
Well, why don't
you sing about it?
369
00:18:22,479 --> 00:18:25,180
Because I don't sing
about everything I do.
370
00:18:25,180 --> 00:18:29,580
No, no, sometimes you just sing nonsense
sentences like a stroke victim,
371
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:31,881
and what's worse,
they're catchy.
372
00:18:31,981 --> 00:18:36,781
Apple, orchard, banana,
cat dance, 8663
373
00:18:36,982 --> 00:18:40,582
See? We know that one because
once you sang that for, like,
374
00:18:40,582 --> 00:18:42,182
three hours.
What the hell is that?
375
00:18:43,583 --> 00:18:44,883
That's my password.
376
00:18:45,683 --> 00:18:48,783
AOBCD8663.
377
00:18:53,784 --> 00:18:56,085
- Oh, Marshall!
- Awesome!
378
00:18:56,185 --> 00:18:58,185
There's another one.
It's called "Golden Reliever,"
379
00:18:58,185 --> 00:18:59,785
- where this dog...
- Yeah, we can guess.
380
00:18:59,785 --> 00:19:02,386
All right, guys,
guys, guys.
381
00:19:06,586 --> 00:19:07,486
I'm a lawyer.
382
00:19:10,287 --> 00:19:12,187
And just like that
we stopped fighting and
383
00:19:12,287 --> 00:19:14,088
celebrated Marshall's success.
384
00:19:14,188 --> 00:19:16,588
You see, when someone's bad
habits are pointed out to you,
385
00:19:16,588 --> 00:19:17,488
it's hard to ignore them.
386
00:19:17,688 --> 00:19:20,189
I'm a lawyer now
'cause I passed the bar
387
00:19:20,289 --> 00:19:22,789
I'm imposing Marshall law
on this champagne.
388
00:19:23,789 --> 00:19:26,890
Oh my God, are you literally
on cloud nine right now?
389
00:19:26,890 --> 00:19:29,390
Baby, you never have
to take the bar again.
390
00:19:30,390 --> 00:19:33,491
Actually, if he practices law
in another state, he will have to,
391
00:19:33,591 --> 00:19:36,591
but New York, man!
It's a great state to practice law in!
392
00:19:36,591 --> 00:19:38,291
Lawsuit up!
393
00:19:40,592 --> 00:19:42,092
But if you love them enough,
394
00:19:42,192 --> 00:19:44,593
those bad habits
are easy to forget.
395
00:19:46,993 --> 00:19:49,193
Three years later,
I ran in to Cathy
396
00:19:49,293 --> 00:19:50,293
and she was doing well.
397
00:19:50,293 --> 00:19:52,994
Ted?!
Oh, my God,
398
00:19:53,094 --> 00:19:54,894
I haven't seen you in so long!
How long has it been?
399
00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:56,895
Three years? No, four.
No, three, 'cause I went blonde
400
00:19:56,895 --> 00:19:58,595
and then I went back
'cause I was having too much fun.
401
00:19:58,695 --> 00:20:00,495
It's true what they say:
blondes have more fun.
402
00:20:00,495 --> 00:20:02,195
Oh, my God, I'm being so rude.
403
00:20:02,195 --> 00:20:05,096
Ted, this is my fianc�.
Yes, I'm engaged.
404
00:20:05,196 --> 00:20:06,296
Ted, this is Daniel.
405
00:20:06,296 --> 00:20:08,296
Daniel... this is Ted.
406
00:20:11,797 --> 00:20:15,297
Great, great, nice to meet you.
407
00:20:15,498 --> 00:20:17,798
You guys seem perfect
for each other.
408
00:20:17,898 --> 00:20:19,998
Oh, my God. I know, right? Totally,
it was like love at first sight.
409
00:20:19,998 --> 00:20:21,999
Hey, we should go out sometime.
Are you seeing anyone?
410
00:20:22,099 --> 00:20:24,099
Because we could double-date.
That... ? No, it's not weird.
411
00:20:24,099 --> 00:20:25,999
We can go have brunch out the street.
I know this place.
412
00:20:25,999 --> 00:20:27,299
Do you guys like popovers?
413
00:20:27,299 --> 00:20:28,200
- Because I love popovers.
- She sur can talk a lot, huh?
414
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:29,000
They're like croissants,
415
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,700
but they're a little bit less flaky
and they're kind of round.
416
00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:32,500
Hey, they have strawberry jam.
32802
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