Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

( laughs, humming )

YOU ARE POSSIBLY WONDERING

WHY A MAN WHO LEADS SUCH A DANGEROUS LIFE

IS HUMMING A HAPPY TUNE.

WELL, I HAVE A CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION.

CONTRARY TO EXPECTATIONS, YVETTE, MY YOUNG WAITRESS,

HAS TURNED OUT NOT TO BE PREGNANT AT ALL.

APPARENTLY THE DOCTOR'S TESTS GOT MIXED UP,

WHEN A FROG JUMPED INTO THE WRONG BOTTLE.

AFTER SUCH A NARROW ESCAPE,

I HAVE SWORN A VOW TO BE TRUE TO MY WIFE EDITH.

NATURALLY, I HAVE NOT YET TOLD EDITH,

IN CASE I CANNOT KEEP IT UP,

BUT I AM GOING TO DO MY BEST.

AFTER ALL, IT IS RIDICULOUS FOR A MAN OF MY AGE

TO GO CHASING AFTER YOUNG GIRLS.

I MUST BE REALISTIC AND LET AGE TAKE ITS COURSE.

OOOH, HOW ABOUT A QUICK CUDDLE IN THE BACK ROOM?

NOT TONIGHT, YVETTE.

MADAME EDITH IS POKING IN THE KITCHEN.

HMM?

THE DYING EMBERS OF THE STOVE.

WELL, UH,

SPEAKING OF DYING EMBERS,

AND I WAS NOT GOING TO TELL YOU THIS SO SOON,

BUT THIS MAD AFFAIR OF OURS IS OVER.

OH, RENE,

SAY IT IS NOT SO.

WELL, IT HAD TO END SOMETIME,

JUST AS AUTUMN FOLLOWS SUMMER,

AND THE LEAVES OF THE CHESTNUT TREES

TURN BROWN AND SHRIVEL AND FALL.

NOT TO MENTION THE CONKERS.

RENE, IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE?

HOW COULD THERE BE?

EVERY SPARE MOMENT I AM WITH YOU,

HOLDING YOU AND KISSING YOU,

AND RUNNING MY FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HAIR,

FEELING YOUR WARM BREATH ON MY CHEEK,

HOLDING YOUR FIRM, YOUNG BODY

AGAINST MY FIRM, STARCHED APRON.

QUICK, THE BACK ROOM.

( Rene shrieks )

OH MY GOD!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I THINK I HAVE LOST A FEW MORE LEAVES.

OH, I AM SORRY. DID I STARTLE YOU?

YOU STUPID WOMAN.

HOW DARE YOU GIVE ME A FRIGHT LIKE THAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY CREEPING AROUND WITH A POKER,

- SPYING ON ME? - WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I WAS POKING THE STOVE IN THE KITCHEN,

WHEN SOMEHOW THE DOOR GOT STUCK,

AND I HAD TO GO ROUND THE SIDE,

AND THROUGH THE OPEN WINDOW INTO THE BACK ROOM.

DID YOU NOT HEAR ME CALLING?

I HEARD NOTHING.

AND WHY WOULD I BE SPYING ON YOU?

HAVE YOU BEEN DOING SOMETHING I WOULD NOT LIKE?

I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING YOU WOULD NOT LIKE.

THIS IS TRUE.

YVETTE,

CLEAR THE TABLES.

WE CLOSE VERY SOON.

YES, RENE.

( Yvette sobbing )

WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER?

WELL, IT IS CLEAR THAT SHE IS VERY UPSET

BECAUSE SHE DID NOT HEAR YOU.

SHE IS VERY FOND OF YOU, YOU KNOW.

WHAT A GOOD GIRL SHE IS.

OH, RENE,

NOW THE COLONEL AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER

HAVE DESERTED AND GONE TO SPAIN

WITH THE FALLEN MADONNA,

PERHAPS WE CAN GET BACK TO A QUIET LIFE AGAIN.

I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH EXCITEMENT FOR ONE WAR.

SHALL WE GO INTO THE BACK ROOM LIKE WE USED TO?

IT HAS BEEN A LONG TIME

SINCE WE POPPED IN THERE FOR A CUDDLE.

YOU MEAN THAT WET THURSDAY IN 1937?

FANCY YOU REMEMBERING THAT!

WELL, THAT WAS WHEN I GOT AN ELECTRIC SHOCK

LOOKING FOR THE LIGHT SWITCH,

TRIPPED OVER A CHAIR, AND BROKE MY TOOTH ON THE TABLE.

ONE DOES TEND TO REMEMBER THAT SORT OF NIGHT.

I WILL GO FIRST AND PUT ON THE LIGHT.

AAAGH!

IT IS THE COLONEL AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

OH, NO.

I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

RENE...

WE NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

WE HAVE A SLIGHT PROBLEM.

AND SOMETHING TELLS ME

IT IS GOING TO BECOME OUR PROBLEM.

YVETTE, MIMI-- BAR.

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HEADING FOR SPAIN.

THE DAMNED R.A.F.--

BOMBED THE ROAD JUST BEFORE THE BORDER

AND BLEW UP THE VAN.

WE STOLE BICYCLES,

HIDING BY DAY AND RIDING BY NIGHT,

AND HEADED BACK HERE TO FIND THE ONE PERSON

WE KNEW WOULD HELP US ESCAPE.

BUT WE HAVE DONE ALL WE CAN.

YES, GO.

IF THE GENERAL FINDS A COUPLE OF DESERTERS

HIDING HERE, WE WILL BE SHOT.

HE DOES NOT YET KNOW WE WERE DESERTING.

THE GENERAL HAS THE PHOTO OF YOU WITH THE PAINTING.

ALSO YOU HAVE BEEN MISSING FOR A WEEK.

BY NOW HE WILL HAVE PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER.

PLEASE GO.

WE GET CAUGHT, YOU GET CAUGHT.

MAY I MAKE A SUGGESTION?

WHAT IF THE PHOTO WERE TAKEN AGAINST YOUR WILL

WHILE YOU WERE PRISONERS OF THE RESISTANCE?

WHO WE DO NOT KNOW.

LET US SAY THEY HAVE CAPTURED YOU.

THEY FORCED THE BRAVE LIEUTENANT

TO POSE WITH THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA,

WHICH THEY HAD STOLEN THEMSELVES,

BUT PUTTING THE BLAME ON YOU

AND THEREBY MAKING THE GENERAL ASSUME

THAT YOU HAD DESERTED WITH THE PAINTING.

BUT WHY WOULD THE RESISTANCE,

WHO YOU DO NOT KNOW,

MAKE SUCH AN ELABORATE PLOT?

YES!

NOW YOU HAVE WORKED YOURSELF IN A CORNER.

SO THAT THEY COULD HAVE YOU BOTH FLOWN TO ENGLAND

TO REVEAL THE GERMAN DEFENSE PLANS

TO COMBAT THE BRITISH INVASION,

WHICH COULD BE IMMINENT.

THAT IS A REMARKABLE HYPOTHESIS, MADAME EDITH.

OH, THANK YOU,

I READ A LOT OF EDGAR ALLEN POE.

I AM WELL ACQUAINTED WITH COMPLEX PLOTS,

AND A TRAGIC LIFE.

WHEN DO YOU DO ALL THIS READING?

WAITING FOR YOU TO COME TO BED.

HOW DO WE CONVINCE THE GENERAL OF THIS STORY?

WHAT IF HE FOUND YOU BOUND AND BLINDFOLD,

HIDING IN THE OLD WINDMILL NORTH OF THE TOWN?

THAT WOULD BE A LUCKY CHANCE.

ABOUT ONE IN A MILLION.

NOT IF THEY WERE ABLE TO WRITE A NOTE,

AND SMUGGLE IT OUT IN A BOTTLE,

GIVING CLUES AS TO THEIR WHEREABOUTS.

WHAT SORT OF CLUES?

THE SORT OF CLUES THAT AN INTELLIGENT MAN

LIKE THE GENERAL WOULD FIND EASY TO SOLVE.

JUST A MINUTE, WHAT IF NOBODY FOUND THE BOTTLE?

YOU WILL FIND IT,

ON A MORNING STROLL BY THE CANAL.

OH, YES, I CAN SEE IT NOW.

"HELLO, GENERAL,

I WAS JUST STROLLING BY THE CANAL

AND I COULD NOT RESIST JUMPING IN TO PICK OUT AN OLD BOTTLE,

JUST IN CASE THERE WAS A MESSAGE IN IT FOR YOU.

AND THERE WAS, AND HERE IT IS."

NO, THAT WOULD NOT BE BELIEVABLE.

WHAT WOULD EDGAR ALLEN POE HAVE DONE?

SOMETHING UNEXPECTED.

LET ME THINK--

YES!

HE WOULD HAVE FLUSHED THE LAVATORY,

AND UP IT WOULD HAVE POPPED.

WELL, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN UNEXPECTED.

I HESITATE TO ASK,

BUT WHERE DID IT COME FROM?

THE LIEUTENANT, HAVING MANAGED TO WRITE A NOTE,

DROPPED THE BOTTLE DOWN A DRAIN IN THE MILL.

IT HAS RAINED A LOT,

THE DRAINS CANNOT COPE WITH THE SURGE,

AND FORCED THE BOTTLE UP OUR OUTLET PIPE.

I CAN SEE THE CHAPTER HEADING NOW,

"THE MYSTERY OF THE BOTTLE IN THE BOG."

IT'S SO OUTRAGEOUS, IT COULD WORK.

WHAT ALTERNATIVE DO WE HAVE?

WE COULD ALWAYS SHOOT OURSELVES.

NO, WE WILL USE THIS PLAN.

MADAME EDITH, PLEASE GET OUR CLOTHES.

WE WILL GO TO THE WINDMILL. HAVE YOU TRANSPORT?

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE IS STILL HERE.

HE CAN GIVE YOU A LIFT IN HIS HEARSE.

CAN WE TRUST THE UNDERTAKER?

HE WILL SUSPECT NOTHING.

HE OFTEN GIVES PEOPLE LIFTS IN HIS HEARSE.

AND THE LAST BUS HAS GONE.

A REMARKABLE WOMAN.

I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHY YOU MARRIED HER.

I SEE NOW IT WAS FOR HER INTELLECT.

IT WAS A DECIDING FACTOR, YES.

- RENE. - HMM?

I HAVE, UNDER MY DRESS,

SOMETHING WHICH I WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE IN YOUR HANDS.

YOUR THANKS WILL BE ENOUGH, LIEUTENANT.

IT IS THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA

WITH THE MISSING BOOBY.

LOOK AFTER IT FOR US.

OF COURSE.

MAY I INQUIRE WHERE THE--

THE OTHER BIT OF IT IS, PLEASE?

HELGA HAS IT SO SHE CAN BE CUT IN WHEN IT'S SOLD.

AH, WOMEN, HOW WILY THEY CAN BE.

I WILL KEEP IT SAFE, YOU HAVE MY WORD.

I WOULD BE DELIGHTED

TO ACCEDE TO YOUR REQUEST,

BUT IT APPEARS,

THE WINE HAS GONE TO MY LEGS.

MY BRAIN IS AS CLEAR AS A BELL--

BUT MY LEGS ARE ON STRIKE.

OH, PLEASE, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,

TRY WALKING UP AND DOWN.

WE WILL HELP YOU.

IT WILL CLEAR YOU HEAD.

OOOH!

I FEEL NOTHING BELOW THE WATCH CHAIN.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, PLEASE.

- OH, RENE, - HMM?

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE IS TIDDLY.

HE CANNOT DRIVE THE HEARSE.

YOU WILL HAVE TO HELP HIM DRIVE.

I WILL GO AND GET YOUR TOPPER.

WH-- WHAT EXCUSE DO I HAVE

FOR-- FOR SITTING ON TOP OF A HEARSE,

IN A TOPPER-- AT MIDNIGHT,

WITH A COUPLE OF DANCING GIRLS?

LET ME THINK.

WE HAVE OUR UNIFORMS, WE COULD CHANGE.

IN UNIFORM, WE COULD BE RECOGNIZED.

WELL, EDGAR?

YOU AND MONSIEUR ALPHONSE

ARE TWO TYPICAL FRENCHMEN,

WHO HAVE ENJOYED A CONVIVIAL EVENING.

AND NOW YOU HAVE PICKED UP TWO TARTS

AND ARE TAKING THEM INTO THE WOODS

FOR A BIT OF HANKY-PANKY.

EDITH, DO NOT BE RIDICULOUS.

I AM A RESPECTED MEMBER OF THIS COMMUNITY.

WHAT WOULD PEOPLE SAY?

ALL THE OTHER MEN DO IT.

I HAVE OFTEN WONDERED WHY YOU DO NOT.

THE NEIGHBORS ARE BEGINNING TO TALK.

EVEN I HAD HEARD THE RUMORS.

IN THAT CASE, IT IS TIME THEY WERE PUT TO REST.

- I DON'T REMEMBER ORDERING TWO MORE WOMEN. - YOU DID NOT.

THANK GOODNESS.

NOW PAY ATTENTION, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

YOU AND RENE ARE PRETENDING

TO GO TO THE WOODS

WITH TWO TARTS THAT YOU HAVE PICKED UP

FOR A LITTLE BIT OF HANKY-PANKY.

IN MY STATE, IT COULD ONLY BE PRETENDING.

ALTHOUGH THE BIG ONE LOOKS GAME FOR ANYTHING.

THEY LOOK TOO WELL DRESSED FOR LOCAL TARTS.

WE ARE POOR,

WITH CHEAP CLOTHES, CHEAP PERFUME,

WHICH IS WHY WE ARE CHEAP.

YOU ARE RIGHT.

TAKE THEM UPSTAIRS,

AND PUT THEM IN MORE SUITABLE CLOTHES.

FOLLOW ME.

OH, AND TOUCH UP THEIR MAKEUP.

THE COLONEL IS LOOKING VERY RATTLED IN THIS LIGHT.

HE WOULD LOOK VERY RATTLED IN ANY LIGHT.

YOU HAVE REALLY GOT THE BIT

BETWEEN THE TEETH, HAVE YOU NOT, EDITH?

IT IS SO WONDERFUL

TO BE WANTED, TO BE USEFUL.

I OFTEN THINK OF GOOD PLOTS,

BUT I AM NEVER ASKED TO HELP.

I'M ALWAYS BRUSHED ASIDE.

THIS IS MY MOMENT.

IT COULD BE MY LAST.

IT'S ALL CLEAR.

- PSST! - COME ON!

MY GOD, GRUBER, WE DO LOOK A SIGHT.

I HOPE RENE'S NEIGHBORS ARE IN BED,

OR TONGUES WILL WAG.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD

FOR HIS REPUTATION WITH THE GIRLS.

YES, BUT NOT WITH AN OLD TART LIKE YOU.

HERE, THIS IS OUR PITCH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

AND WHO ARE THESE TWO OLD SCRUBBERS?

DO YOU MIND?

IGNORE THEM.

Tart: CLEAR OFF.

YOU'LL GIVE US TARTS A BAD NAME,

LOOKING LIKE THAT.

( gasps ) YOU CLEAR OFF.

YES, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

WATCH YOUR LIP, SHORTY.

SHORTY?!

HOW DARE YOU.

WELL, THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

YOU CERTAINLY WIELD A MEAN HANDBAG, GRUBER.

I WAS JUST GETTING THE HANG OF IT

WHEN THEY RAN AWAY.

NOW HOLD ON TIGHT, MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

WE DO NOT WANT YOU FALLING OFF THE HEARSE.

GIDDY UP.

WHY IS THIS HORSE NOT MOVING?

SHE ONLY MOVES

TO THE SOUND OF MY VOICE.

TELL HER TO GO TOWARDS

THE FRONT OF THE CAFE AND STOP.

LISTEN CAREFULLY, HORTENSE,

WALK TO THE FRONT OF THE CAFE,

THEN STOP.

YOUR MASTER HAS SPOKEN.

( snorts )

( horse whinnies )

INTERESTING ACTIVITY HERE, MY FIELD MARSHAL.

HMM, SO IT SEEMS.

UNLESS I AM MISTAKEN, WOLFGANG,

THIS ONE WAS HERE IN 1917.

YES, POOR THING,

SHE STILL HASN'T HAD ANY LUCK.

ONE WONDERS HOW MUCH LONGER

SHE'S GOING TO PERSEVERE.

WE ARE READY FOR YOU.

WELL,

I THINK THAT ANSWERS YOUR QUESTION.

( Colonel grunts )

HAVE YOU GOT OUR UNIFORMS?

AND TWO BLINDFOLDS AND SOME ROPE.

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A NAUGHTY SENIOR PERSON?

HAVE YOU MONEY?

WE ARE IN THE PAYMASTER CORPS.

WE ARE LOADED.

CAN YOU MANAGE THREE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS?

YES.

UNFORTUNATELY,

NOTHING AFTER.

GOOD NIGHT.

I'LL BE BACK LATER.

PSST, RENE!

I MUST SPEAK WITH YOU, URGENTLY.

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING

DOWN MY BACK PASSAGE, MICHELLE?

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.

TODAY I AM HOLDING A SPECIAL MEETING,

TO SIGN ON NEW MEMBERS OF THE RESISTANCE.

IT WILL BE HELD AT OUR NEW SECRET RENDEZVOUS.

WHERE IS THAT?

IT IS A SECRET.

WHY ARE YOU TELLING US THIS?

BECAUSE I NEED A FEW PROVISIONS

FOR OUR INTRODUCTORY WINE AND CHEESE PARTY.

OOOH, THESE WILL DO FOR STARTERS.

HAVE YOU ANY CHEESE?

NO!

NEVER MIND.

I WILL GO AND BUY SOME CAMEMBERT.

MICHELLE HAS GOT SUCH A NERVE.

ONE OF THESE DAYS, SOMEONE IS GOING TO TELL HER WHERE TO GET OFF.

YES, WELL, I NEARLY DID.

BUT IT IS TIME TO GO AND GIVE THE GENERAL

HIS BOTTLE WITH THE NOTE IN IT.

I'M STILL WORRIED, EDITH, THAT HE WILL NOT BELIEVE

THAT I FOUND IT WHEN I PULLED THE CHAIN IN THE BATHROOM.

PERHAPS IT WOULD BE SAFER

IF SOMEONE ELSE FOUND THE BOTTLE.

BUT WHO?

GOOD MOANING.

GOOD MOANING.

I WINDER IF BY CHANCE YOU HAVE IN YOUR CIFFEE

ANYTHING FOR A HADDOCK?

WE HAVE A RATHER NICE TARTAR SAUCE

YOU COULD PUT ON IT.

WHERE IS THE HADDOCK?

IN MY HOD.

OH, A HEADACHE!

THAT IS WHAT I SOD.

I'VE GIT A BIT OF A HONGOVER.

I HIT THE BITTLE A BOT LAST NIT.

HERE IS MY SECRET RECIPE--

TRY THAT.

AH, THAT HIT THE SPIT.

I'M VERY GROOTFUL TO YOU, RONNIE.

UM, PERHAPS YOU COULD DO ME A FAVOR?

JUST NOOME IT.

COULD YOU GIVE THAT TO THE GENERAL?

TELL HIM... YOU GOT IT FROM...

A PEASANT, WHO YOU DO NOT KNOW,

WHO FOUND IT WHERE HE CANNOT REMEMBER.

WHAT IS THIS NIT IN THE BITTLE?

IT IS A CRYPTIC MESSAGE

FOR GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

WHATEVER YOU SAY, RONNIE,

IT'S K.O. WITH MOO.

GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

ALL STAND!

SIT.

THERE YOU ARE. DISTRIBUTE THESE POSTERS.

YOU, PEASANT,

PUT THESE UP IN YOUR WINDOW, AND PASS THEM ROUND.

YES, GENERAL. IS IT IMPORTANT?

OF COURSE.

TODAY AT NOON WE ARE HAVING TARGET PRACTICE.

WE WILL BE BLOWING UP THE OLD WINDMILL

TO THE NORTH OF THE TOWN.

PEASANTS ARE WARNED TO STAY CLEAR.

WELL, GET ON WITH IT.

BEFORE I GOO, THIS NIT IS FOR YOU.

WHAT IS HE SAYING?

HE SAYS THE NOTE IN THE BOTTLE IS FOR YOU.

WHILE YOU ROOD IT,

I WILL PISSED UP THE POSTERS.

HE WAS GIVEN IT ANONYMOUSLY

FROM AN UNKNOWN PEASANT.

SILENCE!

READ IT.

GENERAL,

IT IS FROM THE COLONEL AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

THEY'VE BEEN CAPTURED BY THE RESISTANCE,

WHO ARE WAITING FOR THE R.A.F.

TO TAKE THEM TO LONDON

TO REVEAL OUR PLANS TO DEFEAT THE INVASION.

THEY ARE BEING HELD "BLINDFOLDED AND BOUND

IN A PLACE WHERE THE WIND ALWAYS BLOWS.

THERE IS MUCH GRINDING OF WHEELS,

AND A WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH SOUND."

HOW CRYPTIC

AND UNSOLVABLE.

NOTHING IS UNSOLVABLE.

I KNEW THEY HADN'T DESERTED.

LET ME SEE.

"A PLACE WHERE THE WIND ALWAYS BLOWS."

DON'T TELL ME IT'S THE BAKED BEAN FACTORY.

PERHAPS WE COULD ASSIST YOU, GENERAL.

BE QUIET, PEASANT.

A GRINDING OF WHEELS

AND A WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH SOUND?

I HAVE IT! OF COURSE, IT'S OBVIOUS.

IT'S THE LAUNDRY. PRIVATE GEERHART,

YOU'LL ORGANIZE AN IMMEDIATE SEARCH OF ALL THE LAUNDRIES,

- WHILE WE ARE BLOWING UP THE WINDMILL. - YES, GENERAL.

NOW I GO TO MY COMMAND POST.

SO MUCH FOR YOUR CRYPTIC MESSAGE, EDITH.

WELL, YOU COULD HAVE GIVEN HIM AN HELPING HINT--

SUGGESTED THAT THE GRINDING NOISE

WAS THE GRINDING OF CORN,

AND POINTED TO THE GRAINS OF CORN IN THE BOTTLE.

HE WOULD HAVE SPENT THE DAY SEARCHING CHIROPODISTS.

NO, I WILL GO TO THE WINDMILL AND RESCUE THEM.

OH NO, RENE, YOU CANNOT GO THERE.

YOU WILL BE BLOWN UP.

THIS IS ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR MEDDLING.

I WILL NOT MEDDLE ANYMORE.

BUT WHAT WILL YOU SAY

WHEN THEY SEE YOU NEAR THE WINDMILL?

I AM PLACING POSTERS TO WARN THE PEASANTS.

WHY DID I NOT THINK OF THAT?

BECAUSE EDGAR ALLEN POE

DID NOT WRITE IT.

HELGA IS HERE, HERR FLICK.

SEND HER IN.

THIS WAY.

I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

GOOD HEAVENS, IT'S THE INVISIBLE MAN.

IT IS I, HERR FLICK.

HERR FLICK, WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?

I HAVE UNDERGONE PLASTIC SURGERY

TO ALTER MY APPEARANCE.

THE ALLIES WILL BE HERE ANY DAY NOW,

AND I NEED A NEW IDENTITY

IN ORDER TO ESCAPE TO ARGENTINA.

SO THAT IS WHY I'VE NOT SEEN YOU FOR A WHILE.

HERR FLICK, WILL YOU LOOK MUCH DIFFERENT?

MY PLASTIC SURGEON,

THE EMINENT PROFESSOR VON BUNGLER,

SAYS I WILL EMERGE FROM THESE BANDAGES

EVEN MORE HANDSOME THAN I WAS BEFORE.

IS THAT POSSIBLE?

WELL, THERE WAS ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT.

SILENCE, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

I HAVE USED SOME OF THE 10 MILLION FRANCS

FROM THE PAY TRUCK ROBBERY TO FINANCE MY NEW FACE,

BUT THERE IS STILL PLENTY LEFT.

- OF THE FACE?! - OF THE 10 MILLION FRANCS.

NO DOUBT THIS NEWS MAKES ME

EVEN MORE ATTRACTIVE TO YOU, HELGA.

OH YES, HERR FLICK.

MAY I KISS YOU,

THROUGH THE HOLE IN YOUR BANDAGES?

OF COURSE.

BE CAREFUL YOU DO NOT SQUASH MY NEW NOSE.

I DO NOT WANT TO ARRIVE IN ARGENTINA

LOOKING LIKE AN ORANGUTAN.

HOW MUCH LONGER MUST WE WAIT?

YOU SHOULD HAVE GIVEN BETTER CLUES.

WE COULD BE HERE FOREVER.

( door slams )

I HEAR SOMEONE COMING.

IT MUST BE THE GENERAL.

HELP HELP, WE ARE IN HERE.

HUSH, IT IS ME, RENE.

RENE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHERE IS THE GENERAL?

HE IS NOT COMING.

EVEN AS WE SPEAK, HE IS AT HIS COMMAND POST,

WAITING TO GIVE THE ORDER FOR TARGET PRACTICE.

BUT WHY RELEASE US?

THIS WINDMILL IS THE TARGET.

IT IS TO BE BLOWN UP AT ANY MOMENT.

( Colonel groans )

IT WOULD APPEAR THIS BRILLIANT PLAN

HAS GONE SLIGHTLY WRONG.

QUICK, GRUBER, RUN FOR IT.

EXCUSE ME, COLONEL.

COME BACK, COME BACK, THAT IS MY BIKE.

( bicycle bell rings )

RENE!

AT LAST I FIND YOU ALONE.

OH, LOUISE, WHAT A SURPRISE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT THE WINDMILL?

ON TUESDAYS, IT'S OUR MEETING DAY.

OF COURSE IT IS.

THAT IS WHY I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU--

TO WARN YOU TO EXPECT A BIG BANG AT ANY MOMENT.

OH, RENE. HOLD MY BIKE.

NOT NOW, LOUISE. THE GERMANS ARE USING THE WINDMILL

FOR TARGET PRACTICE. YOU MUST RUN.

QUICK, BEHIND THE BARN.

( bomb falling )

( explosion )

WE GOT OUT JUST IN TIME.

WHAT ABOUT RENE? WE TOOK HIS BICYCLE.

THERE WAS ONLY ROOM FOR TWO.

- ( bomb falling ) - IT'S THE FORTUNES OF WAR.

( explosion )

THEY HAVE FLATTENED THE WINDMILL.

THAT'S A NARROW ESCAPE.

I MUST GET BACK AND LET EVERYONE KNOW

THAT I AM SAFE.

AFTER ALL, I AM A HERO OF THE RESISTANCE.

OF COURSE, I KNOW IT IS NOT THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE,

BUT THE SAME SORT OF THING.

WHY LET A HERO GO BACK AT ALL?

WE NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET.

GOOD IDEA.

TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES.

PEOPLE WILL BE LOOKING FOR ME.

THEY WILL FIND ONLY YOUR SMOLDERING TROUSERS

AND PERSONAL EFFECTS.

THEY WILL THINK YOU DIED IN THE WINDMILL.

LOUISE, THAT IS A MADCAP IDEA.

OH, IF YOU INSIST.

I AM IN A FOUL TEMPER.

SOME IDIOT TOLD THE GERMANS

TO SEARCH THE LAUNDRY

WHILE I WAS HOLDING A SECRET MEETING THERE.

I WAS LUCKY TO ESCAPE WITH MY LIFE

AND A BAG OF UN-IRONED KNICKERS.

THE GERMANS HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THE COLONEL AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

THEY HAVE BEEN SEARCHING EVERYWHERE.

MY RESISTANCE RECRUITS

HAD TO HIDE IN THE SPINNING DRYERS.

THEY CAME OUT ALL WRINKLED.

WHERE IS RENE?

HE HAS GONE TO PUT POSTERS UP

WARNING PEOPLE TO STAY CLEAR

OF THE WINDMILL DURING THE SHELLING.

OH, THAT WAS BRAVE.

I SHALL MENTION THAT IN MY DISPATCHES.

Yvette: GOOD.

( sobbing )

POW!

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

OH NO! NO, IT CANNOT BE.

NOT HIS HAT.

NOT HIS BOOT.

NOT BOTH OF THEM?

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

ARE YOU SAYING RENE WAS BLOWN UP AT THE WINDMILL?

( both wailing )

SILENCE!

WE MUST BE BRAVE.

( wails )

THANK YOU, MIMI, I NEEDED THAT.

WE MUST THINK OF MADAME EDITH.

WHO IS TO BREAK THE NEWS TO HER?

I HAVE JUST HEARD A RUMOR THAT RONNIE

WAS AT THE WONDMILL WHEN IT WENT BONG.

IS IT TREE OR NIT?

IT IS TRUE.

HE DIED A HERO.

OH, MADAME EDITH.

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.

WELL, WHAT IS IT?

IS IT BAD NEWS?

IF SO, I CAN TAKE IT.

I CANNOT SAY IT.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

I AM TROONED FOR MEEMENTS LIKE THIS.

I WILL BRAKE THE NOSE TO HER JONTLY.

MADAME EDITH,

RONNIE IS AS DOD AS A DOODOO.

WHAT?

HE WAS AT THE WONDMILL

WHEN IT WAS BLOWN UP BY THE NITZIS.

HE DUDE WITH HIS BOTS ON.

OH NO, RENE!

SHE TOOK IT ON THE CHOON LIKE A MIN.

THIS IS OUR UNDERGROUND HEADQUARTERS.

WE HAVE TUNNELS EVERYWHERE,

LEADING TO HOLLOW TREES.

WE LIVE LIKE RABBITS.

I CAN BELIEVE IT.

BATHE HIM, SHAVE HIM,

AND TAKE HIM TO MY BUNKER.

YOUR BUNKER?

OH, RENE, HOW I LOVE YOU.

YOU WILL BE A POSTHUMOUS HERO.

YOU NAME WILL BE ON EVERYBODY'S LIPS,

EXCEPT MINE.

I HARDLY DARE ASK,

BUT WHY WILL IT NOT BE ON YOURS?

BECAUSE MY LIPS WILL BE ON YOUR LIPS,

DAY AND NIGHT.

AS YOU SAY, I WILL BE A POSTHUMOUS HERO.

STILL, IT COULD BE WORSE.

I SUPPOSE I AM GOING TO BE BATHED

BY ALL THE GIRLS AT ONCE.

OF COURSE.

I AM READY.

THIS IS ENOUGH, I AM NOT STAYING HERE.

Louise: RENE!

( theme music playing )