Original subtitles

CREAM HORNS

We deal in life, in the moral sense. And it is significant... the sacred element.

During our stay in Rome we'll celebrate the second miracle.

The only way is apostolic...

It is true, every faith has its way of expression.

Praising God above.

While in the third world...

I'll put horns on you!

Horns! Horns on his testicles!

[Award Winning Religious Clothing] This is my stop.

We cut "vestamentus clericus"... I make the stuff you guys wear.

- Praise the Lord! - The Blessing of Christ!

- Praise the Lord! - The Blessing of Christ...

I think I'll get out on the other side. Many thanks�

Let's go!

- Did you just remove this manhole cover? - Just for you.

Damn, damn!

I'll bet the union is to blame!

- Good morning, sir. - Good day, Mr. Petruzzelli.

- Brush the coat, will you? - Right away.

Ouch! That hurt!

Well, look who's here... Petruzzelli. And smelling mighty like a sewer!

- Oh, good morning, Mr. Petruzzelli! - Good morning!

You're a little late, aren't you? They've had me standing in this dress four hours!

A little larger in the sides.

I told you His Eminence gained a lot of weight at that conference in Melbourne!

Yeah, those Cardinals have it pretty good. They eat like kings, you know. Petruzzelli!

I heard the Vatican wants to auction off some of their Mercedes really cheap.

You know - those nice limos. Put in a good word for me with the Cardinal...

I could pick up four or five, and sell them in no time. Excuse me!!

Don't get upset, Gabrielle. I just asked His Eminence for another big favor. I can't push it.

I want to receive the Order of Knight of Honor. It's an old family tradition.

- That's it, you're all finished, Gabrielle. - The Cardinal thanks you.

- Come on. And bring me the bag. - Right away.

Domenico, why don't you get rid of all those pictures of your wife's ancestors?

You know that they can bring you bad luck?

- Why don't you mind your own business? - Hurry up, Caterina!

We should get together after work for some fun!

How about unbuttoning your blouse now?

- The things you say, Mr. Gabrielle! - It was just a thought...

Gabrielle, how is it possible to be so horny all the time?

I swear, you think about nothing but screwing!

You've got to understand, Domenico, I don't do it for pleasure. I do it for my health!

If I don't get laid at least once a day, I start to sneeze like hell. It's therapeutic.

- Do you understand? - I understand.

That's not the point. You live upstairs from me, and your bedroom is right overhead.

With my wife and my son... it's embarrassing with all that screwing going on.

I told you. I do it for therapeutic reasons, Domenico.

I know, I know. But how do I explain that to my son?

See? There's the proof! It's been 24 hours since I last got laid.

I have an appointment with one of my therapists. I'll see you later, Domenico.

- I'm ready to leave. I'll go with you. - Make it snappy, okay!

Fulgentia, Teodora, Adelina!

Stay here until you finish those habits for the Sisters going on pilgrimmage.

We don't want them to go bare-assed. I'm leaving. Have a nice day.

- Goodbye, girls! - Goodbye!

- I can't quit sneezing! - It's clearly a case of auto-suggestion.

- Hi, papa - Hello, son!

Gabrielle, I have the answer for you. You should get married and start a family.

As soon as the babies start coming, I'm sure the sneezing will stop.

I prefer older babies.

- Hi! - Hello, Gabrielle!

- Domenico Petrozzelli! - My pleasure...

- Now you understand? - Yes.

It's purely therapeutic...

Different motive... Same result.

Two girls came into class and stole my lunch card.

This is getting to be an old story by now.

Last week they stole your tennis racket.

The other day, your pencil holder. Now the lunch card.

My son, the class retard.

- What are you doing there? - Domenico !

Blow your nose. You'll get snot in your soup.

Not in your napkin!

I knew it. The same soup and boiled fish again today, right?

Elena, when do you plan on changing the menu?

When Aristide finishes his exams.

Today is St. Crispin's day, for St. Mirinde we'll have a nice roast of beef.

- Would my little baby like that? - I hope I get promoted...

What do mean, you hope you're promoted?

At the rate you're going, you'll be 90 years old before you get to the sixth grade, young man!

I don't understand it. Just because he's on a special diet, why do we have to suffer?

A united family is a beautiful thing.

All for one, and one for all.

You only give me exactly weighed portions.

Hey! Stop stuffing that sugary crap into your belly!

Just look at you. You're absolutely porky! One of these days you're going to explode.

What are you saying, Domenico? Our baby is just robust.

- When he grows up, he'll look different. - Yeah... even larger.

Will you quit that slurping? It gets on my nerves.

Lord, we thank you for our daily bread ...

Is Uncle Gabrielle taking his gymnastics lessons again?

Can you explain why he does this every day?

What's it to you? That's his business. After all, it's therapeutic gynamstics.

- Just mind your own business, you little pig! - Domenico.....

- That hurt! - Well excuse me, but I won't put up with that!

- I better be going. I don't want to be late. - At least eat a couple of stewed prunes.

- They're very beneficial. - No! I don't have problems on the toilet!

Every time you go away, I get constipated.

-Did you pack my bag? - Yes. Two woolen sweaters. Everything you need.

Good... thanks! God help me...

That's a bit over the top, today. He might as well do his gymnastics in the lobby!

He's quite uninhibited...

The kid might be stupid... but there's no hiding what's going on.

- Be careful, and stay out of drafts. - Right.

- Bye, son! - Bye, papa!

- Dress warmly, and close the windows at night. - Right.

And keep your ears covered. You know how delicate you are.

- Give me a call when you arrive. - Right.

- Goodbye, my love! - Goodbye...

Do you want to take the hair dryer?

What, do you think? I am going to Alaska? I'm going to Rovigo!

Okay... goodbye, sweetheart!

I don't need that damned hat. I'll die of the heat here.

Can I ask a favor of you? Please tell that gentleman that the church is closed for rehearsal.

I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to leave. I've got to lock up.

Don't pull so hard...

This suit is called 'Safari'. A suit for Africa.

Nice design, Petruzzelli. However, I prefer the sleeves a bit larger.

Because you need that extra room when you bless the congregation.

Thanks for your blessing...

- What are you doing down there? - Ow... that hurt!

- Excuse me, Monsignor... - Yes, madam?

- Excuse me. - Certainly...

Monsignor, please do me a favor. Would you accompany my daughter down from the altar?

Something for my head...

That man is here again. He's jealous, you see, and I'm afraid.

Excuse me, Monsignor! Just a little mineral water for my head.

I hit it on the drawer when I stood up.

I was on the floor, getting a blessing, and I don't have any hair to soften the blow.

Signora Tribalzi, may I introduce Mr. Petruzzelli!

Owner of the most famous company for clerical clothing.

- Accredited by the Holy See! - How interesting!

That's why the Monsignor is always dressed so elegantly.

Lady Zaire was once a famous singer. A wonderful soprano.

Thank you! You are very kind.

It was my great passion. And I still have a fair voice.

Too bad that I ruined my voice shouting at my late husband's nurse.

But now I'm training my daughter, who sings like an angel.

- Why don't you come and listen? - That's your daughter singing in there?

I can't find my teeth. They were here in the glass. Where is it?

Did you see a glass with my dentures?

That's them! Thanks!

Son of a bitch! I know I swallowed one of his molars.

It makes me want to vomit...

- Taxi! - What taxi? Me?

- Thank heavens! Let's get out of here fast! - What's going on here? What do you want...

- Faster, Ulrico is coming! - Who's Ulrico?

- And why should he interest me? - There he is!

- Stop! - Run, Marianna!

That monster? Hurry! Get in the car!

- Stop, you bastard! I'll mangle you! - What does he want from me?

Is that guy crazy? Who is he?

Don't you go to the stadium? He plays American football.

He follows me everywhere I go.

You have to use your fingers... poke out his eyes to subdue him!

I love opera. I want to become famous like Maria Callas, but he doesn't want me to.

- And you know why? Because he's jealous! - I can tell...

If it were me...

He's crazy! I think I'll leave him. That man, he's just impossible!

Sure he is, and...

My poor mother, putting her life on the line to defend me from Ulrico.

Your... your mother is quite brave...

She should get a medal, because she...

This is a strange taxi. You don't have that thing that shows the fare.

- I was trying to tell you earlier... - How much do I have to pay to get home?

Just listen. I explained it to you. This isn't a taxi, and I'm not a taxi driver.

I tried to tell you earlier, but you were talking and I couldn't a word in edgewise.

- Sorry... this is my house right here. - I'll pull over here, and you can get out, okay?

Thanks!

I brought you home even though I'm not a taxi. Door-to-door service!

I don't know how to thank you. You helped a lady in distress.

I like you, you're different from the others. Even if you are a bit ugly and a little fat.

- But you are really cute. Goodbye! - Goodbye!

What a beauty! If only I weren't such a timid soul.

If Gabrielle were in my place he have done it twice by now.

What do I have to lose?

- So... we meet again! - Hello!

I guess you could call this destiny. I believe destiny governs all. I'm a Leo. You?

- The Virgin's sign... - Are you married?

- No. - I'm Marianna. And you...?

Domeni... I think it begins with... I'll tell you in a minute !

- Yeah. My name is Gabrielle Archangeli! - What a cute name. It fits!

- I can tell you're a shy person, like me. - That's true.

I think we make a pretty couple, don't you?

- And I feel safe around you. - Thanks!

- Will you come with me? - Of course! Where are we going?

Wonderful! Bravo!

Sorry! She's a friend of mine. We came in together.

What do you want? You're disrupting my rehearsal.

Alright Marianna, take a break, and we'll try the scene again.

- Did you really like that? - You are beautiful and talented!

I'm hoping to travel with the company on its tour of America.

I would go as the understudy to the soprano, Savaroti. Do you know her??

- There she is... - The ugly one wearing the camellia?

It would certainly be a great break if she had an accident and you took her place.

What about the monster? Does he know you're going?

- He'd murder me if he found out. - So did he?

That's probably why he was at the church.

Are you taking me with you to America, Mr. Berengo?

There's always hope, my darling.

Your attention, ladies and gentlemen! Let's drink to the success of this marvelous Traviata!

- Long live the sparkling wine... - Bravo!

- Not bad. You're in the chorus? - What chorus? I make costumes.

A costume designer? Then you're in the theater business?

I have a studio in Rome. I have a big reputation there as a clothing designer.

I'm very good at dressing priests... presidents of international corporations.

How nice. I'm dying to hear all your stories...

I get so tired of that man pawing me!

You can't come in here!

That's what you think!

Where is she?

- Where's my girl? - Who is that?

Where did the giant come from? Someone stop him!

- There she is! - Is that your friend, Marianna?

Out of my way!

Where are you? I'll find you ...

- Excuse me! - You're welcome...

The monster's gone, Marianna. You can come out now.

This wig is making my head sweat...

Come on! The coast is clear, let's go!

Oh! I'm naked!

- Ulrico! - Come back! I'll kill you!

Wait for me, Marianna! Yikes! I slipped!

My hero!

It was nothing...

I always have trouble remembering how the rest of it goes.

Oh, you were fantastic! The look on Ulrico's face when he got hit...

- You're so beautiful! - And you're a sweet man!

I'm beginning to feel that something is growing between us. Are you coming up?

- Excuse me! - So, would you like to come up?

I'd really love to, but I have to get back to Rome.

Come on. Just for ten minutes... and one little drink. I know I can trust you.

You're looking at a gentleman.

Mama's asleep, but I think we should wake her so you can get to know each other.

And we can tell her all about what happened today!

No, she needs her sleep! I don't want to do that. It could be a real shock to your mother.

How sensitive you are!

I'll go in, and before following, you count to one hundred.

We have a lot of nosy neighbors.

- First floor, apartment 3. - First floor, number 3! I've got it!

- I'll be waiting for you, my little piggy! - Ciao, my little bunny!

Mother of God, what a beautiful woman!

What should I do? She said count to one hundred...

One, two, three... what do you want? I want to get my hands on those tits...

Thirty, thirty-one. Better lock the car so someone doesn't steal it!

71,72,73,85,87,98... Ninety and nine, and here I come!

Who's that? Oh, it's you, Ulrico!

I have no interest in your girl, honest!

I'm a real football fan. Come to watch you every Sunday.

What are you doing? That was my door!

I love football! Don't touch me ...

What a disaster...

- Let me give you a hand. - Gently...

- Thanks. Thanks a lot. - That'll be 280.000...

- 280.000? - From Rivigo to Rome is quite a trip.

I don't know if I have that on me... Here's 300.000, let me have the change.

- Got none... - Keep it. A big tip!

- And the washing machine? - Put it there! Wherever!

Goodbye!

My God, what a monster! Those weren't hands, they were pile-drivers.

Marianna! Marianna...

- You're up! - What happened to you, Domenico?

- I ran into a monster. - A monster did this to you?

A monster... No, a monster truck on the highway squashed me in the car.

- Shouldn't you go to the hospital? - No... I'm feeling fine now.

You should have seen me earlier...

Lie back down! Don't worry about it! I feel fine.

I feel better now.

I feel great!

- Occupied! - What do you mean, occupied?

You're studying in the bathroom at this hour?

Mama said I should study my catechism early in the morning when my mind is fresh.

Catechism? That's right, this is the year of your first communion.

Why are you wearing goggles, papa?

Sure, glasses, you swiney little rat!

Good grief! What have you been eating, wood mice?

- Beans! - I understand!

Why aren't you using the toilet?

Mama says she wants to see if I have worms.

You have worms...

Did you see Aristide studying?

I saw him... and heard him.

Turn out the light and go back to sleep, dear. Don't worry about me.

I'm fine.

Are you sure there isn't something I can do for you, darling?

You're squeezing my hand. No thanks... I don't need anything.

Good night!

Even at this hour he's getting his therapeutic workout.

- Hello? My dear friend, this is Marianna... - Marianna?

- Excuse me, but I don't ... - Don't say anything.

You were so brave. You fought like a tiger, darling. Anyone else would have run away.

- But, who... ? - Come see me again soon, darling!

- How did you get this number? - I called information.

- Wait a minute! Where are you going? - I'm still here...

I wasn't talking to you. Do you know what you've done?

Fuck you, you pig! You disgusting pig!

Now you can talk to your floozy as long as you want.

Your little Marianna just had to call you! Just to say good morning?

- Let me explain! - You can take your explanations and shove them!

Would you please calm down? Don't you understand?

There! I'm calm now.

You can fuck yourself!

Who the hell is Marianna... ?

Wouldn't it have been better to total it? 800.000 plus VAT. Do you want to see the bill?

I'd rather not see the bill. You should send it to that monster...

- Don't you have insurance? - He threw me up in the air...

- Domenico! - Hey, stupid!

Domenico... Hello, old man!

- Ow... my arm hurts! - What happened to you? And what's this?

- So tell me, what happened to you! - I was with my new lover.

- With a woman? - No, a policeman!

Of course a woman, Gabrielle!

Impossible! Domenico with a woman? You know what this will do? Say goodbye to your reputation...

You think I gave her my real name?

- No? - I gave her somebody else's name...

- That was pretty clever... - I gave her your name!

Are you crazy? Why did you use my name?

What's wrong with that? You're single. What do you care?

Might it be someone from... Rovigo?

Did my wife tell you that I was in Rovigo?

No, your wife didn't tell me. I just happened to get a call from...

- ...Marianna! - How do you know her?

Damn you, Petrozzelli! You ruined the best piece of ass of my entire life!

I'll kill you! You son of a bitch!

I'll tear you limb from limb! I'll rip that bald head off...

It's the phone. I'll be right back...

- Hello? - Hello, darling. It's your Marianna...

Who? It's you, Marianna!

Marianna! Just a moment!

What is it? What has happened?

It's robbers! I'm sure it is!

- Stop screaming! Turn on the light. - I'm afraid, Domenico!

Help, Domenico!

- Don't leave me, Domenico... - Calm down... I know what this is.

That's Gabrielle upstairs. That's a signal. He needs help!

- I'll come with you. - No, stay here. He may be sick.

- Mama, I'm scared! - Scared of what?

- I don't want to be abducted. - If only they would take you away...

- He wants his mama! - Come to mama, my baby.

Were you scared, darling?

- Where is she? - She's on the phone.

- What? The chair was in the way! - Who are you?

Excuse me! I didn't know he had company. Move over....

Now be quiet! Hello!

Hello! Gabrielle?

- I heard a scream. - That was the dog. Wait!

The bitch is in heat!

Yes, the dog belongs to the guy who answered the phone...

Tell your sister this dog bites!

- Don't touch me, you creep! - Get your hands off her...

Knock it off! Can't you see that I'm on the phone?

Are you still there? Hello! My love!

That bitch bit my hand!

Listen! I have to hurry. There are people waiting to use the phone.

Anyhow, I just got into the station. It was a spur of the moment idea...

You're at the station? Are you taking a trip somewhere?

No, silly. I just arrived. I'm in Rome!

You, you ......

- You're at the station in Rome? - I thought I'd surprise you.

Aren't you excited?

I'll catch a taxi and see you soon.

Holy Benedetto!

She's on her way in a cab. I'm ruined, Gabrielle! Ruined...

All I want is for you to leave.

My nurse needs to finish her therapy. So bug off!

Didn't you hear what I said? She's on her way to the home of 'Gabrielle'.

She'll arrive at any minute to see you... to see me!

Gabrielle, you have to lend me your apartment. Please, I beg you!

Lend you my apartment? Do you have shit for brains? Not a chance!

You would do this to me? We're friends! You've always helped me.

Don't abandon me in my hour of need! We love one another.

We've always been inseparable, man and boy! We grew up together.

- Friends since we were this big. - Friends through thick and thin!

There's something strange going on here!

I don't want anything to do with you two perverts. I'm out of here! Goodbye!

Wait! Let me explain!

She's gone!

Is that any way to treat your best friend? Just because she leaves, you belt me in the mouth?

What did I do? I didn't make the bitch leave. We've known each other since childhood...

Domenico! For the second time, you've cost me a therapist!

There won't be a third. I'm going down to your wife, and tell her everything!

No, Gabrielle! Are you crazy? You don't want to do that! What would you tell her?

What am I going to tell her? That's the question.

I need an excuse to get out of the house.

I know! I've got it! I'll say I have to go to Bologna. No this is better...

I'm going downstairs. You wait a few minutes, and then give me a call...

- How is Gabrielle? - Sick as a dog... a bad fever.

Sneezing! Feels terrible...

- Are you calling the doctor? - What doctor? I gave him an aspirin.

Then why did you pick up the phone?

I didn't realize I picked it up. You have a dying friend, you become a nervous wreck.

Just look at the time...

- Then come to bed! - Right, I can't sleep standing up.

Oh, my heart! What's this?

He had a bad dream, the poor baby. He wanted to sleep with mama and papa.

- Aristide, try not to kick your papa tonight. - I'll poke your eyes out if you do...

- I can't sleep, I'm so sweaty. - Just relax...

- Goodnight. - Goodnight...

Hello? Yes?

It's me. Are you ready? Damn ...

Yes, Your Eminence...

No, you're not disturbing me. What can I do for you?

I'm calling from one of my cathedrals to tell you that my apartment is yours at two a.m.

That's an emergency, alright! Tomorrow morning at seven?

I'll meet you at the cathedral as soon as the doors open. Goodbye, Your Eminence.

It was Bishop Lucille. I have to go to Bologna.

- Domenico! - I have no choice. I have to leave immediately!

- Why at this hour of the night? - For an order of 40 million - that's why.

Come on! She's buzzing from downstairs!

- What is that on your head? - My wife insisted - says I'll get an ear ache.

Don't forget... You return from Bologna tomorrow morning.

- My God, Marianna's in the elevator! - Where are you going?

Wait! Here's the key...

- Hold high the honor of the house! - I'll do my best...

It's such a pleasure to see you again, Marianna. I'm so glad you came.

I love you, love you. From the first moment I saw, I fell in love with you.

I am Gabrielle Archangeli of Bologna. The lover and seducer of beautiful women.

The first time I heard your voice, I was lost...

When I first saw... Make the bed!

Ring! Blankets! And the perfume...

And you... you must be brave!

Darling! At last...

I'm afraid I've awakened everyone in the building.

I didn't know which bell was yours, so I rang them all.

- I couldn't find the name plate. - Be quiet!

- Who was that? - My love!

- Hold me! Take me in your arms, darling... - Cut the crap!

- Hey! You missed! - Go to bed!

- It's such a pleasure to see you again... - What? Why are you whispering like that?

- Don't talk so loudly. - Come inside and let Marianna take care of you!

Silence!

- My darling! - I'm so happy to be here!

- It's such a pleasure to see you again, Marianna. - I love your home! It's beautiful...

It's such a pleasure to see you again...

But I'm already a bit sad...

... that you'll be leaving in the morning.

Let's not talk about that. Just sit down here next to me!

But we need to talk, my love.

Like, how I'll suffer when you go back to Rivigo. You are taking the early train back, aren't you?

- No... I want to stay with you, Gabrielle. - Don't worry, I'll come see you in Rivigo.

I didn't tell you. Something happened after you left Rivigo.

What happened?

- Because of Ulrico, I got fired. - Oh, Saint Benedetto!

Do you know the other reason why I came to Rome?

I'm going to audition for the chorus in the opera here.

Tell me if I'm in voice...

It's from a French sculptor. A megalomaniac. He does everything on a large scale.

Such a nice home. I really love it!

May I see the rest of it?

It's so attractive, just like its owner. I feel safe here.

That man is so violent. I must get away from him.

- What man? - Ulrico...

Virgin Benedetta! The monster?

Yikes! They can hear everything on the floor below.

I hope he doesn't know you've come here.

Oh, no... I only told mama. She'll find something to tell him. Don't worry about it.

But you....

- You're different. - Is that so?

- You're tender... - Tender?

- I can't leave you. - You're so beautiful!

I want to make love to you now!

Hey! The bed's like a trampoline! How exciting!

Gabrielle? What are you doing down there?

Did you hurt yourself? What did you do to your mouth?

You're so amusing...

- Now, get undressed! Let's make love. - You don't need to tell me twice!

- We'll do it all! We'll do everything! - Come on baby, I'm ready!

We'll do it again and again...

Someone's at the door...

Gabrielle? Are you sick?

Are you sick? I heard groaning...

Just a little head cold. I'm fine...

Gabrielle, why don't you open the door?

- I don't have any clothes on... - Your voice sounds a little odd.

Yes, my nose is all stuffed up with snot...

If you should need me, all you have to do is bang on the floor, and I'll hear you.

Thanks... I appreciate that.

- Good night! - Yes. Good night!

What a miracle. You're naked... in my bed!

- Who was that at the door? - It was... who was he?

That was the gas man. He wanted to read the meter.

At this hour of the night?

They come at night. I recognized the voice...

- I'm ready for love... - I'll be right there, baby.

- Come on... faster! - One more moment! Just let me take this off...

No one would believe this. We'll have to do it gently, or else the bed will bang the floor.

Oh no! That woman will think that I called her! Please don't take it as the signal!

Giovanna...

Giovanna!

Giovanna!!

- Who is it? - It's Gabrielle...

- Why are you here? - To visit you...

- I'll buzz you in, but be quiet. - What kind of brothel is this?

- Ah... Gabrielle, it's you. How are you? - Hi, gorgeous!

Wow! The girls are all here!

Now, who wants to be destroyed in bed by the world's greatest lover?

I'm sorry, Gabrielle! You've come too late.

The girls are exhausted. They've been at it all day long.

- I'm tired! - It was a tough day.

- Every guy in Rome woke up with the hots today. - So did I. You know what I mean?

- I need my sleep, Gabrielle! - Where are you going?

- Good night, Gabrielle! - Are you leaving, too?

What is this, a mass exodus? Everyone's leaving?

At least you're still here, Giovanna! After all that was between us...

What do say, pussycat? Something simple? Just a quickie.

We could do it gently. Just a kiss ...

And I promise, I won't touch you for the rest of the night.

I know you too well, you have to do it all night.

You'd better just sleep here on the couch. Good night, love.

Damn you, Domenico! I hope your dick falls off!

Will you look at that! Everyone's getting it, but me! It's a conspiracy.

They do this and then hang on the wall?

It just isn't working, baby. I don't understand, this never happened to me before.

Well, don't worry about it. I'm sure it's just a case of opening-night jitters.

We can try again tomorrow. Okay?

Good night. Get some rest, my love!

Tomorrow after I get back from my audition...

We'll stay in bed all day and make love.

Damn! You traitor!

Send down the lift, okay? Thanks a lot...

Nothing works!

No! The answer is no! Domenico, in my book, "no" means no!

There's no need to shout, Gabrielle. I just had a case of opening-night jitters.

And I was tired last night. I'll be rejuvenated with this big breakfast by the times she returns.

You used my bathrobe, the flowers, the dishes. You've moved right in, haven't you?

Excuse me. You're the one who said, "Make yourself at home, Domenico." Right?

So now you're waiting for your angel to return?

I've told you; do I need to tell her, too? Get out!

I don't understand why you're being so unreasonable.

All I'm asking for is enough time to prove myself.

Just give me a little time. Another 24 hours won't kill you.

That would make it...

Domenico! Don't do that...

Please Domenico! That's enough. You're beginning to make me feel uncomfortable.

Come on... off your knees, Domenico. This is embarrassing!

Stop your groveling! I can't take it any more...

Alright! One more night. I'll manage okay, since we're pals.

But tomorrow, for sure! If I find you here, it'll be your ass!

I'm sick of you busting my balls...

...or burning my balls!

Concierge!

Is no one here?

Excuse me! Could you tell me where I might find Mr. Domenico Petruzzelli?

Petruzzelli? He's on the fifth floor...

If you see him, tell him he's an asshole!

- Have a nice day! - What's that supposed to mean?

- Have a nice day! - Screw your nice day!

I should have wished him a bad day!

It's me, Elena, can you hear me? Elena?

Where are you, Domenico?

I'm in, uh... Bologna. I've been on the road all day.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to stay an extra day.

The way I'm working, I hope I can keep it up.

You're so overworked, poor angel. It's a nice sunny day here. How's the weather in Bologna?

- Here in Bologna? We're in a thick fog. - Remember to keep your ears covered, dear.

The wind is picking up, and the temperature is dropping. Minus 4 degrees.

- Is there any need to shout like that? - I'm in Bologna, aren't I?

The line seems quite good, like you're next door. I have to buy a pair of shoes for Aristide.

Don't buy any shoes. With those kids at school, he'll lose them. Do you understood?

- Gotta go now. Ciao! - Ciao!

When I have time, I'll give you another call. Bye!

That's taken care of. My wife thinks I'm in Bologna...

Marianna is at her audition. You're a dragon, Domenico!

A dragon with firey balls... but they're feeling a little better.

Diuretic? I bet these will do some good.

That was refreshing!

Who's that? I hope Gabrielle hasn't changed his mind.

- God be with you! - The spirit with be you... Who is it?

It's Father Giacinto, Petruzzelli!

Ah, Father Giacinto! I didn't recognize your voice.

Cardinal Bote is expecting you at the Vatican. May I come in?

Not yet... I'm still in my pajamas.

- I'll join you downstairs. - I'll be waiting by the car.

God be praised!

Who's holding... who's holding the lift? I can't wait...

- Your husband is away? - Yes, on business.

Would you please buy me a newspaper? My husband is in Bologna.

Come in and I'll get you some money!

Excuse me, General, I'm with Catholic Charities collecting money for the poor.

Catholic Charities is using prostitutes now?

Come up and try me some time, you old fart...

Who was that?

You must pay closer attention to the kind of people you allow into the building.

What's going on? What do you think you're doing back here?

Excuse me, I didn't know anyone was here! Hey! What are you suggesting?

I'm more normal than you. You got that?

Stop!

Driver! My clothes!

They'll think I'm a transvestite in this get up!

I wonder what's taking Petruzzelli so long.

- What are you doing? - Sorry, Father, I had to go back in!

I left the key in the lock as I was escaping... I mean coming down to join you in the limo.

- I feel a little ... Can we go now? - Let's go!

I can't hold it! I can't hold it!

Why did I take that diuretic?

- Here he is, Eminence... - My son!

- Domenico, forgive me if I kept you waiting. - Your Eminence!

Well, what do you think?

I think it's a bit tight... that rotten Gabrielle.

I mean, I was thinking of the archangel Gabriel when I cut it!

In fact I'm glad you made it too tight. It's made me decide to lose a few pounds.

But that's not why I summoned you here.

I have wonderful news for you, my son.

Your official confirmation arrived today.

You're to be a Knight of the Holy Order.

What is it? You don't act overjoyed.

I couldn't be happier, Your Eminence.

It makes me want to dance. You see how happy I am?

- Eminence! - Yes?

Cardinal Mobuto is here to say fairwell!

Excuse me. He leaves for Kenya tomorrow.

I suggest you wait for me in the study. I won't be long.

- Go on in! - Thanks!

My bladder is going to burst!

Where's the restroom here? I can't hold it...

There's no toilet here! This is the library ...

There's Mobuto, the priest to the giraffes! Where can I go?

An empty bottle! Thank you, Lord...

Same color, too. Who'll know the difference?

Otherwise I'll die. I'll do it here.

I think I could fill another bottle.

I see that you're a real connoisseur!

That was made by the good Brothers of San Genesio.

It is a wonderful wine.

- And it's good for you... - It is?

- Here, drink up! - Me?

- No, I'd better not... - I'll be offended.

I have a lot of work... And I took the pledge, Eminence.

- For this one time, I'll give you dispensation. - You mean I can drink this now?

Yes, my son, and without sin. Just drink up... you'll like it!

- Awesome! - There, you see? I was right?

- How about you? - I have gastritis. I'm not allowed to touch it.

Looking for someone, miss?

- Mr. Gabrielle Archangeli, please! - I'm sorry, Mr. Archangeli has gone out.

That's not possible. He said he'd be here, so he must be here.

I tell you, I saw him leave with my own eyes ...

If I were you, I'd make an appointment to have my eyes checked.

- One moment! - What floor are you going to?

The fourth floor.

Where did she come from... ?

There's 50, and 10... that makes 60.

- That must be Aristide coming up! - Your receipt, ma'am!

- Oh, my package... - Aristide!

I got some on my jacket, too!

- What a terrible thing to happen. - It's nothing... just some sugar.

- I feel terrible. My boy running into you... - Really, it's nothing...

- Oh look, cream horns with icing! - They're a bit squashed, but still good.

Come inside for a minute, and I can put a brush to your jacket.

- There's really no need to bother! - Please...

- Goodbye, Ma'am! - Goodbye!

- I don't want to bother you! - On the contrary! I feel responsible.

I'm sorry ... I'm Marianna Tribalzi; a guest of Gabrielle Archangeli.

My pleasure...

Elena Petruzzelli! One moment... I'll get the brush.

Look here. It's beautiful!

A fountain. I would love to have one.

- In the Roman style? - It is a gift from a Cardinal.

My husband works in that field.

- He's a priest? - How could he be a priest?

No, he's a tailor for the clergy.

What an unusual job!

I've met all kinds of professionals, but never one who makes clothes for the clergy.

He must be an interesting man. I would like to know more about him.

He's an old-fashioned man. So honest and loyal.

Shy and very reserved.

- So very like my Gabrielle. - Gabrielle?

That comes as a surprise to me.

He always seemed like the type of man who...

I'm sure he's a good person deep down inside, but...

But... he can be a bit crude.

He's so tender. A real gentleman.

Gabrielle, a gentleman?

If you say so ... Would you care for something?

Maybe a little coffee, and one of these cream horns!

I can't let anyone see me. I'm in Bologna.

- Easy, Margherita. - Who is calling?

Who's there?

Mr. Petruzzelli! Didn't you go to Bologna?

When a man goes to Bologna, can't he return to Rome again?

- Your wife told my wife you went to Bologna. - If you see her again, you can tell her I'm back!

- Does that work for you? - Sorry!

What a mutton-head!

When you want to see him, he's never there. When you don't want to see him...

Now I'll have to report in to Elena...

Goodbye, Aristide.

A thought occurred to me!

Perhaps your husband can help me.

I would love to sing in church.

I used to do it in Rovigo, but Rome is on another level.

Maybe... he could help me get in to the choir school?

I'm sure Domenico would do something to give you a hand.

When he gets back to Rome, I'll ask him.

I'm leaving for Rovigo tomorrow. I don't know when I'll return.

Excuse me one moment!

Hello? No, my husband isn't in Rome.

- I'll get the door. - Thanks!

Would you like to leave a message?

- Please come in... Gabrielle! - Saint Benedetto... Marianna!

- What are you doing here? - How did you know I was here?

- Whose home is this? I'm in the wrong .... - Who is it?

It's Gab.... What are you doing?

- Where are you going? - To take care of a sick friend.

- Are you leaving without waiting for me? - I need to call a doctor.

- He's that sick? - He's dying...

Who was that?

- Gabrielle... - And he didn't stop in?

Now what do I do? Marianna has made friends with Elena.

The concierge knows that I'm back. I'm done for!

Reputation gone. Business down the drain. No way out of it.

Saints above! Give me a sign!

What is it? Answer the door, you say? My prayers have been answered that quickly.

What were you doing with that woman down there? I've known her for years. She's a terrible gossip.

- I could have told you. She's just awful. - No... I like her. We're already friends.

- How nice... friends. - Yes, friends...

- Aren't you leaving for Rivigo tomorrow? - Is that what you want?

- Just the thought causes me pain, my love! - Aren't you going to ask how it went?

Oh yeah, sorry... How was your audition for the chorus?

- Rotten! He wanted me to sleep with him. - With you?

As always! Why aren't more men like you?

- Oh, thank you! - You're always so sweet.

- One must always be careful. - On the lookout!

Like the concierge. The concierge! I have to run...

By now the concierge has probably told my wi... why...

Why am I telling you all this?

I have a meeting with the concierge... at City Hall. That's it...

- No, please don't go! - It is vitally important...

- How can you think of someone else right now? - I have to look after my...

Imagine what it's going to be like! My darling...

I have a letter from the condominium administration, ma'am.

- I forgot to give this to your husband. - My husband is in Bologna.

- Come back to me soon, darling. - You're strangling me!

I just saw your husband not five minutes ago.

- I'm not crazy, ma'am. - No one said you're crazy.

My husband phoned me from Bologna just a little while ago. Now please excuse me!

I really have to go, baby. Otherwise, we'll all be sorry. Trust me!

- You're right. I'm being selfish. - Now, excuse me...

Yeah... sing, sing!

The ring! My God! My life is such a mess! I'm so confused...

- Hi, papa! - Hello, Aristide! Where are you going?

To play football. Here...

- On my father's grave, I'll... - Mama! It's papa!

You're here, Domenico? You called from Bologna just two hours ago.

Two hours ago? I guess I calculated badly.

I was in Bolo ... I mean the highway. I was on the highway, coming back to Rome.

The reason I called was because I knew you'd be worrying about me.

So considerate. Are you tired? Can I fix you something to eat?

- No thanks! I have a stomach ache. - How about a couple of cooked prunes?

No thanks. Just a cup of coffee, please.

That would be Marianna, Gabrielle's new fianc�e.

A real sweet girl, I must say. We hit it off right away.

- I'm surprised you haven't seen her. - How could I? I was in Bologna.

She's quite beautiful. Gabrielle must have something special that attracts these girls.

- Before I forget, Marianna asked a favor of you. - How could she? I never met her.

She wants an audition at the choir school. I told her I was sure you could arrange it.

- I'll go see... - No, I'll go. It might be her.

Dear God...

- Gabrielle... hello! - Any news from Domenico?

- We were just talking about you. - We? Domenico's in...

Domenico! You're really here?

- Weren't you up in... ??? - In Bologna. I finished up and drove back early.

Meanwhile, I have a bone to pick with you.

Why didn't you come in a little while ago when Marianna was here?

A little while ago? I was... I was here... I went upstairs, I think.

Yeah... I went upstairs because I thought I heard a ring.

The telephone...

That's it... I had to answer the phone.

Very well. This time you're excused. Would you like some coffee?

- Would I? - Yes... two coffees...

I'll put the coffee on, and be back in a minute.

You little idiot! Have you completely lost your mind?

I thought you were upstairs, humping your brains out like a wild bull.

What wild bull? I'm just a fucking idiot.

The concierge spotted me, and told my wife that I was here.

So I had no choice but to drive home from Bologna.

Now I have to figure out how to get back up to the songbird without making Elena suspicious.

I see. Then just do it! Take the bull by the horns!

That's easy for you to say. I can't just tell Elena that I'll be gone for the night.

What can I tell her? That I have to go somewhere again?

Listen, Domenico. I have a stupendous idea.

Tell her that Cardinal Bote broke his jockstrap, and you have to go and measure his walnuts.

Come on, don't you have anything other than jokes to help out here?

- Wasn't that a good one? - I haven't laughed so hard in years...

You're a nut, Gabrielle.

Let me set the tray down here...

Always practicing...

I imagine you're in a hurry to get back to your Marianna.

- Yes! - Yes!

I don't blame you. She's a beauty.

Do you really think she's that beautiful?

- I certainly do. - Yes, she's quite beautiful.

But with none of your special therapy! Otherwise she couldn't sing like she does.

- I hear that you have hidden qualities. - Hidden? That's possible.

- Or is it love? - It might be love.

- But I have to tell you something! - Please, tell me!

She said she prefers short, homely and bald...

But I'm none of that! Short, homely and bald.

The fact is that you're going bald! In a few months you won't have any hair.

Are you talking about me? Who are you talking about?

She said that she is very eager to meet you, Domenico.

I told you she'd like to audition at the choir school.

And I've told her you could help.

- No... - Why not?

- It's out of the question! - But all you need to do is make a call.

I'm going to call the Cardinal to recommend a singer?

You can make one phone, Domenico.

How the hell can I do it for one, and then it becomes 50, 60, 70... !!

You know what I mean?

Alright. Then here's what we'll do.

I'll invite her to dinner this evening, and we can sit and discuss it at the table.

- Yeah, that's perfect! - I'm tickled by the idea!

- Then we're all set? - I'm afraid we can't do it tonight.

- Why not? - He's busy tonight.

- That's right, I am... - But you didn't tell me about this.

- I forgot, honey. - What are you doing?

- I have to go to... go to... - A spiritual retreat!

That's it! A spiritual retreat! I'll become a Knight of the Holy Order.

Then I'll go ask her to join us for coffee now. What's wrong?

- I've thrown my dirty underwear all around... - A woman of your class enter a single man's home?

- Yes, I have dirty pictures on the wall, and... - He's right. Gabrielle is right.

Then you bring her down.

The real reason is that she and Gabrielle need to get to know one another better...

...my Marianna! My fianc�e...

They need more time alone...

Well, I think I'd better be going. Goodbye, moron...

You can see the man's crazy about his Marianna...

Excuse me, Gabrielle! I just remembered ...

Gabrielle had a good idea about helping Marianna.

- You know I want to do something for her? - Yes.

So why don't you just phone Marianna...

... and tell her I said she should come to see me at the shop this afternoon, around 4:00.

Tell her that Gabrielle said, I mean Domenico... He'll introduce me...

And Gabrielle .... Damn!

So it's all arranged .... I'm going to take a nap. I don't feel so good.

Hello? Oh hi, it's you, Elena...

Now listen, you have an appointment with my husband at Piaza Navona, number 10...

- ... at 4:00 at his workshop. - But how will I find the place?

Gabrielle will take you there.

Call me later and tell me know how it went!

Thanks again for all your help. Ciao!

I must be dreaming...

You're so beautiful, Marianna!

I want you now, darling! Let's make love right now...

Domenico! You're calling me in your dreams...

- Meow, meow, meow! - What is it? Who's there?

You were calling me in your dreams, darling!

What dream? What are you doing, Elena?

Aristide won't be back until late. It's been a long time since we...

Wait a minute. I'd really like to make love to you, honey...

...but I've got this splitting headache. Really!

And I have that appointment at 4:00 with Marianna. And the spiritual retreat afterwards.

Yes, but afterwards, you can confess!

Who's there?

Aristide... home from the game so soon?

- They stole my ball! - What did I tell you?

- Is this the place? - That's Domenico, tailor to the priests!

Hi, Domenico! This is Marianna!

- Pleased to meet you! - I am delighted...

Giovanna of the Barefoot Carmelites is waiting for your audition.

Then let's go...

- Hey, Mr. Domenico! - That's you!

The archbishop of Metaponto is on the phone for you. What should I tell him?

Tell him that I'm too busy right now, with an urgent matter involving Gabrielle.

- What the hell are you saying? - I'm just imitating you!

- But his business is urgent, sir! - Tell him we'll call back later!

If you don't mind, I'd like to see how you make garments for priests.

I'm sure the Sisters won't mind if we're a little late. Come on...

Thank you so much, Mr. Domenico...

What else could I say? What now, moron?

- Finally, Mr. Domenico! - Hello!

- Good day, Mr. Domenico! - Good day, Mr. Gabrielle!

- Good day, Mr. Domenico! - Hi, girls!

- Good day, Mr. Gabrielle! - Good day! How are things going?

Won't you take the call, Mr. Domenico?

Your Grace?

- Transfer the call to my office. - Certainly, Mr. Domenico!

- Gabrielle! - Yes?

Have you seen this? Isn't it gorgeous?

- It's very nice! - Nice! Very nice!

Mr. Domenico! Excuse me, Mr. Gabrielle!

The archbishop is still on the line, and getting a little hot under the collar.

Why don't you go take that call?

Gabrielle, I can't keep this up! I'm a nervous wreck...

We can't stop now... the nuns are waiting for the audition.

Why don't you take her, and I'll stay and look after the office?

We're in this thing together...

Well, are we ready to go?

I seem to have a toothache...

Listen, Marianna, Domenico will take you while I go to see the dentist.

Yes... we better get moving. The good Sisters are waiting...

The Sisters have a very demanding schedule in the evening.

Thanks! I'll see you at home tonight. Bye bye, my little gentleman!

Here we are...

- This is it? - This is it...

Are you sure you have the right address?

It's a special branch. This is a center for the Cure.

It sure doesn't look like a place for meditation.

You'd be surprised at how many people come here to... meditate.

Are you by yourself?

God be praised!

May you play in peace! Pro nobis...

- Please, come in... - Thank you.

"Are you by yourself?"

- Oh! How unusual! - Please... in here, Marianna.

These are modern art. They put nothing in the frame...

It frees the imagination. I'll tell you what I imagine:

These are the 12 apostles. And here are the stations of the cross.

- What do you imagine? - Nothing!

Lady Giovanna! Our Mother Superior...

My child, we welcome you here as if you were one of us.

- If someone... - The shoes!

Get rid of the shoes!

I'm so happy I could cry!

Let me take a look! Do you have watery eyes?

My eyes are fine...

It's such a pleasure to meet you!

Thank you, Mother!

I wasn't expecting anything so contemporary. So modern and original.

My dear child, the reason is probably of no interest to you.

But we believe that a house of worship should be comfortable for the congregation.

- That was wonderful... - As a result of our latest interior decoration...

...we have pilgrims coming from all over the city.

Yes... the pilgrims come and go from morning 'til night!

Now get out!

Your friend told me that you wish to audition for the church choir.

Yes, I would like that!

Sister Gaudentia is a wonderful pianist. I know she's just dying to accompany you.

I know for a fact that she is very talented.

What would you like to sing?

- "Ave Maria" by Schubert! - Is there anything else?

- That's my best material. - If you please, Sister... Schubert.

- Thank you... - May I serve something to drink, first?

To create a little atmosphere before we begin.

I'm afraid the pilgrims have run your supplies a bit low...

- Would you care for a whiskey? - Just a little. It goes right to my head.

One thing's for sure. If I don't have a heart attack today, I never will!

- Ah, you're back! How did it go with the girl? - What girl?

- With Marianna... - Swell. She's a terrific girl.

That's what I was trying to tell you, darling.

Artistide and I are dining at mother's tonight.

She insisted that we sleep over, since she sees us so seldom.

You're such a good daughter. She's a lonely old widow who needs the company.

- Don't you have to go to your spiritual retreat? - Yes... it's late. The Cardinal's already waiting.

Good, we can leave together...

- Aristide, are you still doing your homework? - Yes... Papa?

- What is it Aristide? - What do you need?

Who were the Apologists?

- He doesn't know who the Apologists were. - I'm going to finish packing.

The Apologists were... The Apologists? The answer would be...

You're the one who ought to know! Aren't you the one studying religion?

Yes. The teacher told me, but I forgot.

What are you going to tell your teacher tomorrow?

I'll tell him my father is older than me and he doesn't know.

Oh, when the Saints...

Go marching in...

Oh, when the Saints go marching in...

I want to be in their number...

When the Saints go marching in.

Oh, when the Saints. Go marching in.

What time will you be home tomorrow morning?

What with all the talk, and the mass and the rest of it...

...I'd say no earlier than 10 o'clock or so.

- Can I drive you to the taxi stand? - No, the bus will do just fine.

Remember, the brakes aren't too good, so drive slowly.

- Are you drinking wine at work, papa? - What wine?

Oh this... it's for spiritual purposes.

A toast in honor of St. Enorio.

How come you think you're so smart? You don't even know who the Adesiasts are!

- The Apologists, papa! - Whatever...

- Bye! - Goodbye, sweetheart!

"Please note that due to electrical blackouts, the elevator may be inoperative from 2 p.m. to 7 p.m."

Not again! Another lousy blackout. I've had it...

Is anyone in the elevator?

Anyone there?

Good evening, General! Do be careful, it's dark on the stairs.

- What a fine time for this to happen! - Patience, the lights will soon be back on.

- Let's go, Marianna. - Those nuns were really something!

- And they sure like to have fun. - I have their kind of fun every day.

- Come with me, Marianna! - What a buffoon...

Come on, give me a hug!

The concierge might tell your wife...

My wife? I doubt it...

Careful, follow my light...

Oh when the Saints... Oh when the Saints go marching in...

- Wait a moment, General! - Damn, they called the elevator... now what?

I need a place to hide...

- Is the dog coming with us, General? - Certainly.

- Ladies first... - Thank you!

Me next. Then the dog. Then generals...

- What's your floor, General? - I'm on the second.

Do you know, I never settle for seconds.

Oh when the Saints go marching in...

Sorry, General. I can assure you I've done much better.

Here's the second floor, General. Watch your step!

- Good evening, General. - See you later, General.

Come on, beautiful. I have to have you. I worship you!

- What about Elena, Domenico? - Who cares about that frigid bitch?

She told me she believes a house is a sacred place.

Including a whore house...

Excuse me! I never thought a little slap would hurt so much.

That animal bit my leg. I'll bet I'm crippled for life!

- What are you doing here? - Oh, nothing...

You were in the elevator? You were spying on us all the time?

- I'll kill you. - I should break your nose.

- Did you just fall from Heaven? - Sure! I fell from the sky into the elevator!

You're so beautiful when you're angry...

You should know that the audition was great! She can tell you. It was a good audition.

- You have me to thank for that! - Get your hands off me!

Just where do you think you're going?

- Excuse me! May I help you? - Get out of here! Go to your own home!

Here, baby. You take the bottle, and go on in and wait for me.

I'm sick of your identity crisis. I'm me and you're you, and don't forget it.

You keep your hands off her. And get off on your own floor next time!

Calm down, Gabrielle!

You boys are creating such an uproar. Suppose poor Elena were to hear this ruckus?

- We were just kidding... - Kidding? I know this guy. He's serious.

- Ask him what makes him sneeze. - What sneezing?

I ought to go down and talk to his wife.

Fine. I'm sure she'd be happy to see you...

But I'm going to go take a nice hot bath, fix your dinner, and then....

And then...

Let me help with dinner, and then... and then...

And then I'll break your skull. Move it! Get away from here!

I'm sorry, I had too much to drink...

And that beautiful woman in front of me. The temptation was too great.

Don't try and blame her. I trusted you as a friend.

You're right. I must be punished.

You must punish me, Domenico! Go ahead and hit me!

Right in the kisser... In the kisser, Domenico!

In the kiss...

- Are you crazy, Domenico? - You told me to hit you!

You were supposed to hit me in the kisser. I'm going to murder you!

- There you go again... just calm down! - That really made me mad!

I'm sorry, Domenico! I'm a little impulsive.

I'm also a little drunk. We've been friends a long time. I beg your forgiveness, Domenico...

- I'm sorry, Domenico! Forgive me! - I forgive you. Is that better?

- Why did you slap me? - Because you slapped me first.

Listen. What do you say? Enough of this drama.

Why don't we do this? I don't want you to fall prey to some hooker...

... because you're drunk. Sleep here!

The wife and kid are away for the night. Here are the keys. You're master of the house.

Thanks Domenico! We are friends like before?

Then it's all behind us. Here... give me your hand.

Now you understand, Domenico...

Okay, Marianna. This is the night, my little dove. Tonight we're going to get it on for sure!

Ah.... the ring! Good luck and happy hunting!

Can you hear me down there? If you embarrass me again tonight, I'll kill you!

Marianna? What's happened to you?

Gabrielle!

My little Gabrielle...

- Have you been drinking, my love? - A little bit...

- What lovely blonde curls... - Now I know you're drunk.

I feel wonderful!

You're so muscular...

- I could eat you up! - You're drunk!

Now, let's get undressed!

No! First a toast...

Okay. I'll get the glasses...

We're cooking now!

- All gone? - It's empty. Now, let's make love!

- You've got more... - Alright, I'll open another bottle.

- Our love is like a glass of champagne. - Yes.

It's spicy!

Let's do it to spite Ulrico and everyone like him.

...and everyone like him!

What happened, darling?

- The cork! - You're really lucky.

- You almost swallowed the cork! - You could say I was lucky.

- You're so beautiful! - Let's drink a toast!

- To our love! - To our love!

Our love, I'll drink to that. But we so far we haven't...

We haven't danced together!

If you want to dance, we'll dance. But where shall we dance...

- I love to dance! - Yes, yes ....

- I'll stay over here! - No, come to me!

Isn't there some slow music to dance to?

Who's here?

Gabrielle!

Sorry, Elena! Domenico gave me the keys and told me to feel at home.

And you've always thought of me as a brother.

- And Marianna... ? - Marianna? Oh, we had a little quarrel...

So I came to spend the night down here. Domenico told me that you're at your mother's.

I had to come back to get Aristide's math book. He has an exam tomorrow...

Aristide seems to have his father's brains.

That quarrel you had doesn't seem to have left her very sad.

- That girl is a little crazy. - It sounds like someone is consoling her.

If someone is there consoling her, I don't care!

But aren't you a little curious? It may be more serious than that.

Perhaps I should go up and see what she's doing? And with whom...

No, Elena! Don't go! Pardon me...

- Letting your hair down? - Pardon me, Gabrielle...

Because we're such good friends, it makes me angry for you... my Gabrielle.

Take revenge. An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth.

I'm not interested in revenge. Believe me, I couldn't care less.

And besides, she's probably just listening to a little music.

- Are you comfortable? - Yes.

- Such a beautiful physique. - You think so?

And look at those thighs...

What sports do you play?

Nothing special. Every once in a while we go out and kick the ball around.

That music!

- Come dance with me! - But I'm in my underwear.

- So what! - Okay, just once around?

You can lead, Elena!

You're so cute...

One, two, three, let's you and me...

Hold me! Yes... hold me!

Elena, something tells me this is getting out of hand.

Elena, this is impossible! Excuse me, but you must calm down, Elena!

What about Domenico? Suppose he walked in on us?

Domenico's not due back until tomorrow morning around 10 o'clock.

What about the math book that Aristide needs for his exam?

Oh, my darling! You're as beautiful as a cock rooster!

You don't think I've gained too much weight? Please!

- You're perfect! - Elena, I understand your intentions.

- Yes! - Then, please be gentle...

Take me, Gabrielle! I'm yours!

- Take me! - Gently, Elena! Gently...

Quick! Get these clothes off...

I coming for you now!

No more airplane, Marianna. I'm too tired...

Let's play another game. Come here!

Where are you? Hiding in the alcove?

Giddy-up! Like in the Westerns�

Come to bed, my beautiful one!

I won't let you down tonight.

Where are you going?

I'm going to show you the real Gabrielle.

You're so beautiful...

I hardly know where to begin.

No more nerves like last night!

Now you'll see what I can do!

Tonight I will be your master!

So how would you like to do it?

I think we should start with�

Marianna? Marianna?

Don't tell me you're already asleep!

You can't do this to me! I didn't bring you up here just to sleep!

How about some coffee? Two, four, eight coffees!

You need to wake up so we can make love!

Oh, my God! Look what I've done to Gabrielle's home!

What'll I do? Call the fire department? No! I can't!

I've got to do this myself. Water, water...

Damn! Everything happens to me�

That felt good. That felt very good!

Very good! Very good!

- The phone, Elena... - Yes...

Hello... I'm glad you called, mama.

I won't be coming back tonight. I'm going to sleep here.

No mama, I'm fine! Never felt better in my life!

Don't bother sending Aristide to school, he won't pass the exam anyway.

- Are you sleeping here tonight, Elena? - Yes...

Very good!

I'm so happy...

Is this too much for you, Elena?

No. Tomorrow I'm going to San Godento!

Very good!

This was supposed to be a night of fire with Marianna.

Only I wasn't supposed to die of burns!

When Gabrielle sees this, he'll kill me. He's Bolognese.

When you showed up, everything began to go wrong.

He'll take one look at this mess and throw us out.

What's your interest in all this? Just yourself! Ha ha ha ha�

Mr. Petruzzelli, right? 4th floor. Number 9.

You're not very good at your job, sir. Mr. Petruzzelli is on the 5th floor, number 11.

After you, Your Eminence!

What now?

- Who is it? - It's Don Giacinto, Mr. Petruzzelli.

What's wrong with your voice? You sound very hoarse.

I'm having problems with my vocal chords.

Cardinal Bote is with me. Isn't that a nice surprise?

Just a moment. I'm naked.

I just got out of the shower. I need to get dressed.

Only a little longer�

I'll be right there! Just a moment...

It's about time. Pax vobiscum...

Deo gratias, Eminence!

- What are... - We're on our way to Argentina, and I�

May we come in?

Yes, come in. Please!

Come in! Come in!

It's these wooden beams. They're a bit old and worm-eaten.

You'll be more comfortable without your hats.

We have some exciting news for you.

It gets quite hot in here. Now, what's your news?

What was that?

The reason we've come, dear friend, is...

What are you're doing, Mr. Petruzzelli?

I forgot...

My son had some of his friends over yesterday, and they got drunk.

As I said, my son, the reason for our visit...

I'm sure you in the Vatican don't have the problems we do with maids today...

These foreign au pairs with their taste in music�

It's all modern crap.

- Isn't your wife Elena at home today? - No, she isn't here.

There was an accident.

A distant relative� her brother. She went stay with her father.

As I said, my son, the reason for our visit...

It seems Elena has returned. Why don't you go and get her?

- This news will interest her as well. - That's not my wife.

It's my little niece from Rivigo.

She's here to get a job singing in the church.

My teddy bear!

Excuse me! I didn't know you had guests.

A thousand pardons�

She's gotten bigger. These girls from Rivigo... they sprout up like weeds.

It's an area� The girls grow up there�

This? This is a genuine Rivigo handkerchief.

She gave it to me as a present. Her sister works in the hanky factory there.

Well, anyway - with this medal you are hereby a Knight of the Holy Order of Saint Eunorio.

- Thank you! - I wish you well, my son....

- Thank you, Your Eminence. - Let's get to the plane. We're late!

This has been my life's dream! No! Not that hat. This one's better.

- What are you doing? - It is a new model we just created.

- I wanted to see how it looked! - But I'm a priest.

We call this model the "baggage handler priest"...

My apologies! No, no!

- Son of a... - Let's get out of here, Eminence!

What a surprise! What do my eyes behold? Two priests!

What's happening? A marriage? When you guys show up, something's going on!

Be quiet, you screeching hag!

- Mary, Mother of God! - Mama!

- Oh, my mother! - My baby!

- Your wandering mother! - You've met my dear mother?

By the will of divine providence, I'm afraid so. Let's go, Don Giacinto!

- Leaving? See ya ... - They were rude!

Well, daughter, where is this Gabrielle?

Gabrielle!

- This thing is stuck on my head! - I looks like he has his head up his ass.

- It hurts! - What should we do, Gabrielle?

- Your mother will handle this. - Pull it carefully!

- My head... - Slowly, darling!

- Let's get to the airport. - Right away, Your Eminence!

- Good God in Heaven! - Go see what happened...

- Immediately, Your Eminence! - That's the last straw.

Where did you learn to drive? Just look at this mess!

You've damaged our car. That's a criminal offense...

Now, pull... pull...

- Mama! - My poor head...

Are you hurt?

I know him!

The Bishop introduced him to me. Yes... he had an unusual name.

He's called Domenico Petrucceli.... Petruccello ...

What Petrocello? I am Domenico Petruzzelli...

- You're Domenico Petruzzelli? - Yes, Marianna, I am.

What's so important about the name "Petruzzelli"? It's better than "Ulrico".

It only annoyed you after we got his head out. What's so bad about Petruzzelli?

- Tell me this is a joke. - No, Marianna.

It's no joke. I've deceived you. It's true.

I am Domenico Petruzzelli. And I'm a fuck-up.

I'm a tailor to the priesthood. I am the Church's servant�

I betrayed everyone's trust. Even yours!

I've caused nothing but trouble. I've desecrated the Church.

There was no adultery, only drinking. We drank four bottles of champagne...

I'm a fucking idiot. An idiot...

I betrayed the trust of Elena, my beautiful and intelligent wife.

I betrayed my son, who will hate me forever. It's all my fault.

- I want to die ... - Was there ever a Gabrielle Archangeli?

There is a Gabrielle Archangeli. He is my friend.

He loaned me his home, and I burned it.

I am Domenico. Welcome to Domenico's home...

Actually, that's my home downstairs. Gabrielle's place is upstairs.

I mean here. You probably don't understand any of this.

I'm not making any sense. Come with me!

- Where is Gabrielle Archangeli? - Floor 5, number 11.

At least that's what I've been led to believe.

This is my home. Domenico Petruzzelli, tailor to priests.

I need to apologize to everyone. Gabrielle? Gabrielle?

Forgive me. Everything was a lie. The church name, therapeutic cure.

Gabrielle, I want to apologize for...

Domenico� forgive me! I can explain!

- Elena! - My God, what a scandal!

You did this to me? Your best friend?

You don't understand. I can explain.

- Good morning, miss. Welcome! - Good morning!

I was just giving her a private lesson. If you'll let me explain, you won't be upset.

There's a perfectly good explanation!

Maybe I should just stay out of this, Domenico.

Marianna! Marianna!

What a bunch of freaks!

Ah! Ulrico!

My God! Marianna! Hide! It's Ulrico!

Ulrico? The monster?

Hide yourself, Marianna!

Where is she?

The monster! He's come to kill me, Gabrielle!

Please, Domenico!

He's Gabrielle Archangeli! I am Domenico Petruzzelli.

- You can ask the concierge. - I can explain...

If you'll calm down, I can explain everything.

Gabrielle Archangeli. Can you hear me? My regards!

Was that a train that hit me?

What's happening?

My God!

It's an earthquake, Elena.

Help!

Domenico?

- Leave me alone! - You'd better come peacefully!

- No! - Leave me alone!

That's enough, Ulrico!

Are you insane? You need to calm down.

Your're going back to Rovigo!

Gabrielle!

Domenico?

Domenico!

- Domenico! - Elena...

What is it?

Domenico!

Papa is happy when he's wearing his Holy Order medal.

Yes, dearest. The doctor says Domenico is improving.

He'll be able to pronounce words soon. But he wants to see him again tomorrow.

Since you've been treating me, I no longer need a doctor.

I certainly don't sneeze any more!

Curb...

What's the matter?

I heard that was Mr. Gabrielle's last girlfriend. She's a real beauty.

That doesn't matter any more, Aristide.

Papa!

Domenico!

- Domenico! - Papa!

- Oh, my God! - Papa!

- Honey! - Say something!

Speak to me, Domenico!

Speak... Yes darling, yes!

He said mother! Yes, he said mother.

Mother...

...fuckers!