Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

YOU FIND ME RUNNING THE CAFE ON MY OWN,

BECAUSE ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE HERE IN NOUVION.

EXCUSE ME.

HIDING UPSTAIRS IN MY BEDROOM ARE NONE OTHER

THAN HITLER AND GOERING THEMSELVES.

HAVING ESCAPED FROM THE CLUTCHES OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE,

THEY CAME HERE TO SEEK SHELTER.

ACTUALLY, IT IS NOT THE REAL HITLER AND GOERING,

BUT LIEUTENANT GRUBER AND THE COLONEL IN DISGUISE.

BUT THE COMMUNISTS DO NOT KNOW THIS

AND THEY'RE STILL SEARCHING FOR THEM.

I SHUDDER EVERY TIME THAT DOORBELL PINGS.

( doorbell rings )

THIS WHOLE BUSINESS IS VERY BAD FOR THE NERVES,

BUT GOOD FOR THE WAISTLINE.

- RENE! - YES, WHAT?

- I MUST SPEAK TO YOU AT ONCE. - WHAT IS IT, EDITH?

IS THE COAST CLEAR FOR THE COLONEL AND THE LIEUTENANT GRUBER TO COME DOWNSTAIRS?

ARE YOU MAD?

I CANNOT HAVE HITLER AND GOERING WALKING THROUGH MY CAFE

IN FRONT OF ALL THESE CUSTOMERS.

THEY ARE CHANGING OUT OF THEIR UNIFORMS.

I WILL FIND SOME OLD CLOTHES FOR THEM

SO THEY CAN DISGUISE THEMSELVES

AND LEAVE WITHOUT BEING RECOGNIZED.

WELL, BEST BE QUICK ABOUT IT, EDITH.

IF THE COMMUNISTS COME BACK IN HERE AND FIND THAT WE HAVE BEEN HELPING GERMANS,

WE WILL ALL NEED THE LAST RITES.

RENE, RENE, THE COMMUNISTS ARE OUTSIDE.

SEND FOR A PRIEST.

THEY ARE SEARCHING THE SQUARE WITH THEIR SNIFFER DOGS

AND THEY ARE SNIFFING THIS WAY.

OH MY GOD. I AM DOOMED.

WE MUST GET THE COLONEL AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER INTO THEIR DISGUISES

AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

COME UPSTAIRS AND HELP ME, MIMI.

I WILL CONTAIN THE COMMUNISTS DOWN HERE IF THEY COME IN.

OH, RENE, HOW BRAVE YOU ARE.

I WAS ONLY GOING TO OFFER THEM FREE DRINKS.

RENE, I MUST SEE YOU URGENTLY.

OH.

WHAT IS IT, YVETTE?

OH, RENE, HOLD ME.

RENE, I AM SO WORRIED.

THE COMMUNISTS ARE BOUND TO FIND OUT

YOU HID THE COLONEL AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER FROM THEM.

THEY WILL SHOOT YOU. AND THEN WHAT WILL BECOME OF ME AND OUR CHILD

WHO IS GETTING BIGGER EVERY DAY?

CALM YOURSELF, YVETTE.

YOU ARE GETTING BIGGER BECAUSE YOU EAT TOO MUCH.

THE COLONEL AND LIEUTENANT WILL BE SMUGGLED AWAY

BEFORE THE COMMUNISTS EVEN SET FOOT IN MY CAFE.

OH, RENE.

LOUISE!

RENE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT GIRL IN YOUR ARMS?

HAVE YOU BETRAYED ME WITH YOUR LIPS?

NEVER, LOUISE. NO NO.

I AM JUST REMOVING CRUMBS FROM MY MUSTACHE.

AND COMFORTING THIS CHILD WHO IS LIKE A DAUGHTER TO ME.

ARE YOU NOT, YVETTE?

EVERY TIME I LOOK AT HIM,

THE WORD DADDY SPRINGS TO MIND.

SHE IS UNDER A GREAT STRAIN

BECAUSE SHE IS WITH CHILD

AND THE FATHER IS UNKNOWN.

WHAT KIND OF A MAN WOULD ABANDON A GIRL LIKE THIS?

HE DESERVES TO BE HUNTED DOWN

AND TORN APART LIMB FROM LIMB.

WELL, PERHAPS A STERN TICKING OFF AT LEAST.

LEAVE US NOW.

RENE AND I HAVE BUSINESS TO DISCUSS IN PRIVATE.

- RENE. - YES?

ONCE AGAIN, OUR SNIFFER DOGS,

HOT ON THE TRAIL OF HITLER AND GOERING,

HAVE LED US TO THE BACK OF YOUR CAFE.

ARE YOU CERTAIN YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THEM?

NO, I'M SURE I WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED.

NO MATTER.

OUR SEARCH HAS NARROWED IT DOWN TO THE SQUARE.

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE OUR DOGS WILL SNIFF THEM OUT

AND WE CAN SHOOT THEM.

HOW RUTHLESS YOU ARE, LOUISE.

HOLD ME, RENE.

WHEN WE HAVE RECAPTURED HITLER AND GOERING AND ENDED THE WAR

WE SHALL HAVE A WHITE WEDDING.

WELL, I SHALL CERTAINLY BE VERY PALE ON THAT DAY.

KISS ME. HOLD ME. DRIVE ME MAD.

THAT WILL NOT BE A LONG JOURNEY.

( moaning )

RENE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOLDING THAT GIRL IN YOUR ARMS?

I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT!

YOU STUPID WOMAN...

CAN YOU NOT SEE WHO IT IS?

OH, IT IS YOU, LOUISE.

CAN I OFFER YOU SOME TEA?

I'M TOO BUSY HUNTING DOWN HITLER AND GOERING

TO EXCHANGE BOURGEOIS CHITCHAT.

GOODBYE, RENE. I WILL RETURN SOON.

I HUNGER FOR YOU.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT ALL THESE WOMEN

FIND SO IRRESISTIBLE?

COULD IT BE THE UNDERARM DEODORANT

I BOUGHT YOU LAST CHRISTMAS?

I NEVER USED IT.

PERHAPS THEREIN LIES A CLUE.

WE HAVE GIVEN THE COLONEL AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER SOME OLD CLOTHES.

WELL, I HOPE THEY ARE GOOD DISGUISES.

THERE COULD BE SPIES OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE IN HERE.

OH, DO NOT WORRY, RENE.

THEY WILL SUSPECT NOT A THING.

OH MY GOD.

WHOSE CLOTHES DID YOU USE?

MAMA'S.

THEY WERE ALL WE COULD FIND.

QUICKLY, LADIES, COME AND SIT DOWN PLEASE.

WE ARE NOT STAYING, RENE.

THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE ARE IN THE SQUARE

LOOKING FOR HITLER AND GOERING.

THEY WILL NOT RECOGNIZE US IN THESE CLOTHES.

NO, BUT THEY HAVE VICIOUS SNIFFER DOGS WHICH HAVE YOUR SCENT.

YOU STEP OUT THERE AND THE DOGS WILL RUN TO YOU.

THE COMMUNISTS WILL SHOOT FIRST AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER.

NOW SIT DOWN.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO, RENE?

YOU WILL HAVE TO STAY HERE UNTIL THE COMMUNISTS GO AWAY.

TRY NOT TO DRAW ATTENTION TO YOURSELVES.

DRESSED LIKE THIS, IT MAY NOT BE EASY.

WE CAN'T STAY HERE ALL THE EVENING.

THERE MUST BE A WAY TO GET OUT.

THERE ARE TWO GERMAN SOLDIERS

AT THAT TABLE OVER THERE, COLONEL.

THEY COULD GIVE US AN ARMED ESCORT BACK TO OUR QUARTERS.

THE COMMUNISTS WOULD NOT DARE TO ATTACK US THEN.

GOOD IDEA, GRUBER.

TRY TO ATTRACT THEIR ATTENTION.

HELLO, SOLDIER.

A VERY UGLY GIRL OVER THERE IS TRYING

TO PICK ME UP, LEOPOLD.

IT IS LIEUTENANT GRUBER OF THE TANK CORPS.

I HAVE HEARD THINGS ABOUT HIM.

IT LOOKS AS IF THEY ARE ALL TRUE.

IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE WORKING, COLONEL.

I WILL GO AND SPEAK TO HIM.

DON'T LOOK. HIS HORRIBLE FRIEND IS COMING OVER.

I NEED YOU TWO URGENTLY.

DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK.

APART FROM WHICH, YOU HAVE ROTTEN ANKLES.

I AM COLONEL VON STROHM, GARRISON COMMANDER.

NAME, RANK AND NUMBER!

I'M SORRY, COLONEL. I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU IN A DRESS.

PLEASE. EVERYBODY IS LOOKING.

IT IS ALL RIGHT, RENE. WE ARE GETTING AN ARMED ESCORT.

YOU WILL COME WITH US TO OUR QUARTERS.

YES, MY COLONEL.

YOU WILL MAKE SURE THAT EVERYTHING IS SAFE.

COME ALONG, GRUBER. BRING THE UNIFORMS.

WE ARE VERY GRATEFUL FOR YOUR HELP, RENE.

WE WILL NOT FORGET THIS EVENING.

I DO NOT THINK ANYONE WILL.

WILL THEY BE ALL RIGHT, RENE?

THE COLONEL IS WALKING VERY SLOWLY.

IT IS NOT EASY IN HIGH HEELS, EDITH.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER SEEMS TO BE MANAGING ALL RIGHT.

HE WOULD.

RENE?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY NEW SUMMER DRESS?

SO THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CURTAINS IN THE SPARE ROOM.

THERE IS A WAR ON.

WE HAVE TO MAKE USE OF WHATEVER WE CAN LAY OUR HANDS ON.

I AM HERE, MADAME.

- AND I AM READY, MONSIEUR. - READY...

AND WILLING I HOPE.

I HAVE MY SMALL HORSE WITH THE SMALL HEARSE

CONTAINING THE RADIO TRANSMITTER OUTSIDE.

WHOO!

( shrieks )

MICHELLE, I WISH YOU WOULD STOP CREEPING AROUND THE PLACE LIKE THAT.

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.

THE TIME IS NOW RIGHT TO ARRANGE A RENDEZVOUS WITH LIEUTENANT GRUBER

TO COLLECT THE 10 MILLION FRANCS RANSOM.

WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?

WELL, YOU ARE CLOSE TO THE LIEUTENANT.

YOU WILL GO TO HIM AND GIVE HIM OUR INSTRUCTIONS.

NOW TAKE THIS SACK.

WHAT IS INSIDE IT?

IT IS A FRESHLY-CAUGHT 32-LB DOGFISH.

SEE?

MICHELLE, I KNOW I AM GOING TO REGRET ASKING THIS QUESTION,

BUT WHAT DOES A FRESHLY-CAUGHT 32-LB DOGFISH GOT TO DO WITH IT?

IT IS ALL PART OF MY PLAN

WHICH INVOLVES THE DOGFISH,

AN UNDERWATER DIVER, A FISHING ROD

AND A FOUR-FOOT EEL.

THANK GOODNESS.

FOR A MOMENT I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE COMPLICATED.

RENE ARTOIS--

PEASANT!

SEND HIM IN.

DO COME IN.

GOOD MORNING, COLONEL, LIEUTENANT, PRIVATE.

WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU?

IT IS ABOUT THE INCRIMINATING PHOTOGRAPH OF YOU, LIEUTENANT,

HOLDING THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA.

THE COLONEL AND HELGA KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT.

YOU MAY SPEAK FREELY IN FRONT OF THEM.

VERY WELL.

SOME PEOPLE FROM THE RESISTANCE, WHO I DO NOT KNOW,

HAVE ASKED ME TO TELL YOU

THAT IF THEY DO NOT RECEIVE THE 10 MILLION FRANCS RANSOM

FOR THE INCRIMINATING PHOTOGRAPH OF THE LIEUTENANT

BY 2:00 THIS AFTERNOON,

THEY WILL POST THE PHOTOGRAPH TO GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.

RENE, THESE PEOPLE YOU DO NOT KNOW,

DID THEY SAY HOW THE MONEY WAS TO BE EXCHANGED FOR THE PHOTOGRAPH?

YES, LIEUTENANT.

YOU ARE TO STUFF THE 10 MILLION FRANCS

INSIDE THIS FRESHLY- CAUGHT 32-LB DOGFISH

AND DANGLE IT IN THE RIVER

AT THE PLACE THAT I WILL SHOW YOU.

AN UNDERWATER RESISTANCE DIVER WILL SWAP IT

FOR A FOUR-FOOT EEL CONTAINING

THE INCRIMINATING PHOTOGRAPH.

THAT SEEMS STRAIGHTFORWARD ENOUGH.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, COLONEL?

STUFF THE FISH.

I AGREE. IT'S A ROTTEN IDEA.

NO, I MEAN PUT THIS 10 MILLION FRANCS INSIDE THE FISH.

ONE OF HIS BIG EYES IS STARING AT ME.

YOU ARE POPULAR, LIEUTENANT.

DO I HAVE TO?

IT'S AN ORDER, GRUBER. STUFF IT.

- ( dogfish barks ) - OW!

IT HAS BITTEN MY FINGER.

FRESHER THAN I THOUGHT.

DOWN BOY, DOWN.

OH, MONSIEUR ALFONSE,

SHOULD WE NOT BE GETTING BACK TO YOUR LITTLE HEARSE?

WE STILL HAVE A LOT OF PROPAGANDA TO BROADCAST.

WE MUST NOT BROADCAST TOO MUCH

OR THE GERMANS WILL TRACK US DOWN.

MADAME EDITH,

IF ONLY YOU KNEW WHAT HAPPINESS IT GIVES ME

TO BE SITTING HERE WITH YOU ON THIS FINE SUMMER'S DAY.

YOU HAVE CHOSEN THE PERFECT SPOT--

THE SUN, THE BREEZE.

AND SEE HOW STILL THE WATERS OF THE RIVER ARE.

JUST A FEW RIPPLES.

I SEE THEM. OH YES INDEED.

PERHAPS LATER

I WILL OPEN MY FLIES...

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

...AND GET OUT MY TACKLE.

I MAY BE OLD,

BUT IT IS IN PERFECT WORKING ORDER.

ONE IS RISING NOW.

OH, MONSIEUR ALFONSE, PLEASE.

IT WAS A TROUT.

( chuckles )

I USED TO BE AN EXCELLENT FISHERMAN.

I HAVE MY ROD AND MY BOX OF FLIES ON THE HEARSE JUST IN CASE.

OH, THAT IS A RELIEF.

GOOD MOANING.

OH, IT IS YOU, OFFICER CRABTREE.

WHAT A SURPRISE TO SEE YOU ON THE BONK.

A LOVELY DOO FOR IT.

MONSIEUR, WE ARE HAVING A PICNIC.

A POCKNOCK? SPLONDID.

PERHAPS I COULD HAVE A KNOBBLE.

MMM, SMOOKED SIMMON,

AND WHAT IS THE WEEN?

A 1938 CHATEAU NERF-DO-PIP.

YOU REALLY ARE TROOTING YOURSELVES

TO A SLIP OF MOLE.

WHEN A FRENCHMAN TAKES A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN OUT FOR A PICNIC

HE WANTS TO BE ALONE WITH HER.

ARE YOU TREEING TO TELL ME SOMETHING?

YES, I AM TELLING YOU TO GET KNOTTED.

WELL, THERE'S NO NUDE TO BE QUITE SO REED ABOUT IT.

I CAN TAKE A HONT.

I KNEE WHEN I AM NIT WINTED.

GOOD DOO TO YOU BOTH.

AT LAST WE ARE ALONE.

OH, MADAME EDITH, HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE.

JUST TO BE HERE WITH YOU

MAKES MY TICKER THUMP LIKE A DRUM.

OH, MONSIEUR ALFONSE,

I HOPE YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME.

I AM A TRUE FRENCH GENTLEMAN.

I HAVE NOTHING BUT THE GREATEST RESPECT FOR YOUR HONOR.

IS ANYONE LOOKING?

NO.

OH, MONSIEUR ALFONSE!

( coughing )

- OH, A TUG! - I'M READY.

COLONEL, I THINK THE DOGFISH HAS RECOVERED.

IT IS PULLING HARD ON THE LINE.

- DON'T LET IT ESCAPE. - ( barks )

OH DEAR, THE DOGFISH HAS BITTEN THROUGH THE LINE.

STOP IT.

COME BACK!

Gruber: IT HAS SWUM AWAY, COLONEL.

YOU MEAN WE HAVE LOST 10 MILLION FRANCS

AND NOT EVEN GOT THE PHOTOGRAPH IN EXCHANGE?

YOU IDIOTS.

I BLAME YOU FOR THIS.

NOW, COLONEL, DO NOT DO ANYTHING HASTY.

RENE, WHAT CAN WE DO?

THERE IS ONLY ONE THING, LIEUTENANT:

RUN FOR IT.

DO YOU DO MUCH FISHING, MONSIEUR ALFONSE?

OH YES, WHENEVER I CAN.

THERE IS NOTHING I LIKE BETTER THAN TO BE ON A RIVERBANK

ON A FINE SUMMER'S DAY DANGLING MY ROD IN THE WATER.

I HAVE FISHED ALL OVER.

I HAVE CAUGHT SALMON IN SCOTLAND, TUNA IN PORTUGAL,

AND ONCE EVEN A SWORDFISH OFF THE COAST OF SICILY.

OH, YOU ARE SUCH A MAN OF THE WORLD.

MM-HMM, I'VE BEEN AROUND

AND MET MANY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE AS AN UNDERTAKER.

UNFORTUNATELY, MOST OF THEM WERE DEAD.

TELL ME SOME MORE TO IMPRESS ME.

I'VE GOT A BIG ONE.

IT IS A WHOPPER.

LOOK.

MONSIEUR ALFONSE, I--

OH MY GOODNESS, YES.

Alfonse: IT IS A CHAMPION DOGFISH.

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF IT.

IT MUST WEIGH AT LEAST 32 LBS.

WELL DONE, MONSIEUR ALFONSE.

WE MUST SELL IT TO THE FISHMONGER.

IT COULD BE WORTH A LOT OF MONEY.

COME ON, WE MUST PICK UP THE PICNIC THINGS IMMEDIATELY.

BUT, MONSIEUR ALFONSE, WE ARE HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME.

OH, DO NOT TELL ME YOU ARE MORE INTERESTED

IN FISH THAN IN ME.

OH, MADAME EDITH, DON'T BE SILLY.

( chuckles )

IF IT CAME TO A CHOICE BETWEEN YOU AND A DOGFISH

WORTH MAYBE 2000 FRANCS--

BUT OF COURSE THERE IS NOT COMPETITION.

OH, YOU FLATTERER.

THE DOGFISH WINS EVERY TIME.

WHAT ARE HELGA AND I HAVING FOR DINNER?

I WAS LUCKY.

I FOUND A FRESHLY-CAUGHT CHAMPION DOGFISH

FOR SALE AT THE FISHMONGER'S.

IT WILL BE DELICIOUS.

WHY ARE YOU PUTTING TULIPS IN WITH THE DOGFISH?

I AM COOKING IT IN A HOLLANDAISE SAUCE.

HOLLANDAISE SAUCE IS MADE WITH EGG YOLK AND BUTTER,

NOT TULIPS.

BUT THE RECIPE JUST SAID HOLLANDAISE SAUCE.

IT DID NOT SAY HOW TO MAKE IT.

YOU ARE A NINCOMPOOP, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

GOOD EVENING, HERR FLICK. I HOPE I'M NOT TOO EARLY FOR DINNER.

NOT AT ALL. SIT.

YOU WILL SERVE UP THE FISH, VON SMALLHAUSEN.

OH, ARE WE HAVING FISH? YUMMY.

THAT IS NOT VERY ELEGANTLY SERVED.

WELL, WE DO NOT HAVE A PLATE BIG ENOUGH, HERR FLICK.

WE ARE DOING OUR BEST AS YOU CAN SEE.

MADAME.

MONSIEUR.

WHAT AN INTERESTING-LOOKING SAUCE.

IT IS HOLLANDAISE.

AN UNUSUAL RECIPE KNOWN ONLY TO VON SMALLHAUSEN

AND THE INMATES OF THE AMSTERDAM NUTHOUSE.

( gagging )

HERR FLICK, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

THERE APPEARS TO BE SOME PAPER INSIDE MY DOGFISH.

IT LOOKS LIKE A 1,000-FRANC NOTE.

THE FISH IS STUFFED WITH THEM.

OH MY GOD. IT CAN'T BE.

DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT THIS, HELGA?

THIS AFTERNOON THE COLONEL

AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER PAID OVER A BLACKMAIL DEMAND

OF 10 MILLION FRANCS TO THE RESISTANCE.

IT WAS CONCEALED INSIDE A LARGE DOGFISH

WHICH SWAM AWAY DOWN THE RIVER WITH THE MONEY STILL INSIDE IT.

BY SOME REMARKABLE COINCIDENCE,

IT HAS ENDED UP ON YOUR TABLE.

ALREADY A PLAN IS FORMING IN MY BRAIN.

WE HAVE THE MONEY BELONGING TO THE COLONEL.

HE HAS THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA

WHICH IS WORTH MUCH MORE THAN THE 10 MILLION FRANCS

HE NEEDS FOR THE BLACKMAILERS.

WE WILL OFFER TO TRADE THE TWO

AND END UP QUIDS IN.

THAT IS A MASTERLY PLAN, HERR FLICK.

OF COURSE, WE WILL PUT IT INTO OPERATION TOMORROW.

IN THE MEANTIME,

LET US ENJOY OUR FISH.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, HERR FLICK?

YOU'RE NOT CHOKING ON MORE MONEY?

NO.

I NEARLY CHOKED ON A TULIP.

I WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION.

OOH, I AM CHOKING. I'M CHOKING!

( shrieking )

I HAVE ANNOUNCED THAT HITLER AND GOERING WILL BE LEAVING THE TOWN TONIGHT.

THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE WILL GET TO HEAR OF IT,

AND MAKE ANOTHER ATTEMPT TO CAPTURE THEM.

WE DO NOT HAVE TO DRESS UP

AS HITLER AND GOERING AGAIN, DO WE, GENERAL?

I STILL HAVE NOT RECOVERED FROM OUR LAST EXPERIENCE.

THEN WE WILL USE A COUPLE OF EXPENDABLE PEASANTS

WHO FIT THE UNIFORMS.

WHERE WILL YOU FIND THEM, GENERAL?

IN THE CAFE IN THE SQUARE.

WE WILL PUT HIM IN A CAR FILLED WITH EXPLOSIVES

AND FOLLOW AT SOME DISTANCE BEHIND IN YOUR LITTLE TANK, GRUBER.

WHEN THE COMMUNISTS SURROUND THE CAR

WE WILL DETONATE THE EXPLOSIVES

AND WIPE THEM ALL OUT.

COME, LET US GET THE UNIFORMS AND GO TO THE CAFE AT ONCE.

I'M NOT AT ALL KEEN ON THIS IDEA, GRUBER.

THE PEASANTS ARE GOING TO BE EVEN LESS KEEN.

ON THE DOUBLE.

LEFT RIGHT, LEFT RIGHT, LEFT RIGHT.

♪ THREE LITTLE MAIDS FROM SCHOOL ARE WE ♪

♪ PERT AS A SCHOOLGIRL WELL CAN BE ♪

♪ FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH GIRLISH GLEE ♪

- ♪ THREE LITTLE MAIDS...♪ - SILENCE!

♪ ...FROM SCHOOL. ♪

UNBELIEVABLE.

ALL YOU PEASANTS LINE UP ACROSS THE CAFE. JUMP TO IT.

I DO NOT TAKE ORDERS FROM GERMANS,

ESPECIALLY FAT BALDING ONES

WITH PIGGY EYES.

WHO SAID THAT?

All: SHE DID.

I AM VERY SORRY, GENERAL.

IT IS MY OLD MOTHER-IN-LAW.

SHE IS A LITTLE BIT GAGA, YOU KNOW.

COME ALONG, YOU SILLY OLD BAT.

LINE UP. YOU ARE GOING TO GET US ALL SHOT.

COME ON, FANNY.

NOW WE ARE LOOKING FOR TWO PEASANTS

TO DRESS AS HITLER AND GOERING

AND ACT AS DECOYS

TO HELP US DEFEAT THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE.

ANY VOLUNTEERS?

THAT DOESN'T SURPRISE ME.

COLONEL GRUBER, HOLD THE UNIFORMS UP TO THE PEASANTS.

WHOEVER MOST CLOSELY FITS THE UNIFORM ACTS AS THE DECOYS.

I WOULD NOT BE SEEN DEAD IN A GERMAN UNIFORM.

I SPIT ON YOU ALL!

FANNY, CONTROL YOURSELF.

SILENCE IN THE LINE. WELL, GRUBER?

I'M AFRAID NO ONE APPEARS TO MATCH THE GOERING UNIFORM, GENERAL.

WHAT A PITY. WE WILL HAVE TO ABANDON THE WHOLE PLAN.

WHAT ABOUT THAT FELLOW THERE?

WHAT, ME?

OH NO, HE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE FIELD MARSHAL GOERING.

NONSENSE. HE'S JUST THE RIGHT SHAPE.

BUT HE HAS A MUSTACHE.

WELL, IT WILL BE DARK.

THE COMMUNISTS WILL NOT NOTICE A SMALL DETAIL LIKE THAT AT SUCH A DISTANCE.

STEP FORWARD, PEASANT.

YOU WILL BE GOERING.

WHAT ABOUT THE HITLER UNIFORM, COLONEL?

THERE'S NO OBVIOUS CANDIDATE, GENERAL.

LET ME SEE.

YOU'RE RIGHT. THE MEN ARE NO GOOD.

WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?

- IT'S A WOMAN, GENERAL. - I CAN SEE THAT.

SHE'S THE RIGHT HEIGHT AND BUILD.

MM, EXCELLENT.

SHE WILL DO NICELY.

NOW WE NEED A PEASANT TO ACT AS DRIVER.

ALL NON-DRIVING PEASANTS STEP BACKWARDS.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

HE SAID YOU ARE THE DRIVER.

- I MUST PROTEST-- - SILENCE!

ONE MORE WORD AND I'LL HAVE YOU SHOT.

NOW TAKE THEM INTO ANOTHER ROOM AND GET THEM INTO THEIR UNIFORMS.

WE MUST HELP SAVE THEM, MIMI.

WE MUST STOP THE COMMUNISTS ATTACKING THE CAR.

WE WILL FIND MICHELLE. SHE WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I AM DREADFULLY SORRY, RENE.

THIS WHOLE BUSINESS DISTRESSES ME GREATLY.

I AM NOT OVER THE MOON ABOUT IT MYSELF, LIEUTENANT.

WHO IS THREEING STOONS AT MY WANDOW

IN THE MUDDLE OF THE KNIT?

OFFICER CRABTREE, IT IS US.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE CAN FIND MICHELLE? IT IS URGENT.

I AM HERE.

OFFICER CRABTREE AND I WERE JUST DISCUSSING

SOME VERY IMPORTANT RESISTANCE BUSINESS.

THE GERMANS ARE DRESSING UP MADAME EDITH AND RENE

AS HITLER AND GOERING TO ACT AS DECOYS.

THE COMMUNISTS WILL ATTACK THEM

AND PERHAPS THEY WILL BE KILLED.

WE MUST FIND THE COMMUNISTS AND STOP THEM.

I KNOW WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM.

WE WILL PIT ON SOME CLOOS AND BE ROT DOON.

THERE IS NO TEAM TO LEESE.

NOT SO FAST, MONSIEUR LECLERC.

IT IS AGAINST THE LAW.

WE COULD BE SHOT TO PIECES AT ANY MOMENT BY THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE,

AND ALL YOU CAN WORRY ABOUT IS THE SPEED LIMIT.

( dog barking )

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WE ARE SEERY TO DISTOOB YOU AT THIS TOME OF NIT.

WE HAVE COME TO WARN YOU NOT TO ATTACK HITLER AND GOERING

WHEN THEY LEAVE THE TOWN TONIGHT.

THEY ARE NOT THE REAL HITLER AND GOERING,

BUT RENE AND MADAME EDITH.

THEY HAVE BEEN FORCED TO DRESS UP AS THE GERMANS

TO LAY A TRAP TO CATCH YOU.

WE ARE ATTACKING NO ONE TONIGHT.

WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN IMPORTANT COMMITTEE MEETING.

WHAT IS IT?

OH, IT'S NOTHING. I'VE DEALT WITH IT.

COME BACK INSIDE THEN. WE HAVE REACHED ITEM SIX ON THE AGENDA.

( both chuckle )

IF ONLY OUR COMMITTEE MEETINGS WERE LIKE THAT.

I AM READY TO DETONATE THE EXPLOSIVES

AS SOON AS THE COMMUNISTS ATTACK THE CAR.

ISN'T THIS FUN?

YES, GENERAL.

JUST MY IDEA OF A NIGHT OUT.

ANY SIGN OF THE RESISTANCE YET, GRUBER?

NO, GENERAL.

THE CAR IS NEARLY AT THE BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER,

BUT NO ONE HAS ATTACKED IT YET.

THE CAR IS CROSSING THE BRIDGE.

IT'S OUT OF YOUR JURISDICTION NOW, GENERAL.

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER

IS GENERAL VON KARZIBROT'S TERRITORY.

THE COMMUNISTS MUST HAVE GOT WIND OF YOUR PLAN

- AND STAYED AWAY. - DAMN.

I WAS QUITE LOOKING FORWARD TO BLOWING THEM ALL INTO SMITHEREENS.

( engine stops )

( engine sputters )

WHO FORGOT TO PUT SOME PETROL IN?

OH DEAR.

THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE HAVE NOT ATTACKED, RENE.

SURELY THE GODS MUST BE SMILING ON US TONIGHT.

THERE ARE SOME GERMAN SOLDIERS ON THE ROAD AHEAD.

THANK GOD.

THEY MUST BE SOME OF THE GENERAL'S MEN

COME TO GET US OUT OF THESE WRETCHED UNIFORMS.

THIS WILL BE THE FUHRER NOW. STOP THE CAR.

GENERAL VON KARZIBROT, OFFICER COMMANDING THE ABBEVILLE GARRISON.

WE HEARD THAT YOU WERE LEAVING FOR BERLIN TONIGHT.

HOWEVER, WE, A GROUP OF GENERALS, HAVE DECIDED

IT IS BETTER IF YOU DO NOT GET THERE.

YOU HAVE MADE A COMPLETE MESS OF THIS WAR

AND NOW YOU HAVE TO PAY THE PRICE.

TAKE THE FUHRER INTO THE FIELD AND SHOOT HIM.

- WHAT? - RENE, SAY SOMETHING.

SAVE ME.

YOU CANNOT DO THIS. THAT IS MY WIFE.

HITLER IS MARRIED TO GOERING?

WE ARE NOT SHOOTING THEM A MOMENT TOO SOON.

TAKE HIM INTO THE FIELD AND SHOOT HIM.

HELP, SAVE ME!

DO SOMETHING.

( theme music playing )