Original subtitles

ACCIDENTAL EXORCIST

Subrip: Pix

Yeah?

Hi.

Is this 216 Turnston Drive, Apartment 6?

Are you Janice, with the daughter?

Seems to be.

You Mr. Vanook?

That's the way they pronounced it in the old country, but

here it's Vanuk.

Richard T. Vanuk.

You're Benson's guy.

Yep.

The witch doctor.

Yeah.

Are you drunk?

No. No.

She vomits constantly.

She doesn't eat.

She babbles nonsense,

when it isn't perverted bullshit,

throughout the day and night.

One night she screamed for 20 minutes straight

without taking a breath.

Two days ago, right after I called...

Benson?

Yeah, that's his name.

She slapped herself here on the table

just like you see here.

She doesn't move.

She doesn't even listen.

Doctors are damn useless.

So, is this common?

Is she like... you know?

Yeah, she is.

So, you can help her?

Yeah.

So what are you gonna do?

Work my witch doctor magical powers.

So.

How old are you?

Can you leave the room please?

Why?

It's technical.

It doesn't concern you.

Why?

Please?

God.

God.

God damnit!

So...

So, you like horses?

Horses.

Yeah, I do, too.

Different kinds.

All different kinds.

You know, I think it stems back to the days of

me watching really cheesy 80s fantasy movies

and reruns of "Little House on the Prairie."

Remember that show?

You know, I could never ride one.

Because... I'm deathly allergic to the hair,

the dander on it.

I mean, it's crazy.

I just pet the horse and instantly,

my eyes, they just come out of my sockets

and I get hives everywhere and I sweat

and I breathe heavily.

I had to have an inhaler and shit.

Even though I don't have fucking asthma.

There was this neighbor of ours when I was growing up.

He had this old codger of a horse named Stretch.

But, you know, an old horse looks majestic.

It kind of looks like Robert Redford,

the way he looks today, only as a horse.

It's gonna be a good one.

Anyway, Stretch, the horse.

Yeah.

I remember when I was a kid,

I was sitting in the woods looking at him

from a good distance and I always thought,

what would it be like to go up to this horse and

suck out all the shit that was in my inhaler

and get on top of him and ride him.

Just to feel like, to be in control

of a massive, powerful animal like that.

Not to be in control of some

young, innocent 12-year-old girl.

Only spineless, brainless, dickless pussies do that shit.

You fucking tightwad.

God dammit.

Look at this shit.

God, why the fuck does it always taste like

cream of fucking mushroom?

God damnit!

Damnit!

God damnit!

God.

God.

Fuck.

Hey Burgess.

You're four days past due.

Mama needs the rent.

Yeah, fine, I know. All right.

Well, you're in luck.

I just got paid today but I know it's not enough.

I can give you half now and half later if that's cool.

That's not cool.

That's a fucking mind game.

I know how you drunk fuckers work.

You been scamming my mama forever.

You pay half now and you say you're gonna

pay half later but later never comes.

And then, you say you paid it all,

but it's your word against Mama's,

but Mama ain't got time or money for

lawyers and courts and shit,

so you see where I'm coming from, dickwad?

All right.

I mean, I appreciate your situation.

You know what happens to dickwads

that don't pay their rent on time?

I'm sure it's anything but good, but...

You ever hear of Gobakev?

What?

Gobakev.

Gobakev, that russian mongoloid with that red shit

all over his forehead?

Gorbachev.

That's exactly what I said, you fucking moron.

Smart guy.

You're so fucking smart, why don't you take a shower?

You're filthy. You're disgusting.

You stink. Look at this place.

Boozing it up with a bunch of blacks and mexicans

and jews and shit.

You know what?

What's that little contraption over there?

It's worthless, Burgess.

It's a typewriter.

It's obsolete.

I have it because I can't afford

a fucking computer, you know,

but I need this for my second job.

What's you do for work?

I write.

Well, that makes you half a faggot.

You can take those faggoty skills and hit the streets

and do some dick-sucking over the next few days.

I bet you'd be able to collect a lot of money

with those pretty little dick-sucking lips you got.

So, get your dick-sucking skills in line and

go suck some cock, okay?

How's that sound?

I'll be back on Friday for all the rent, not half,

and if you don't have all of it,

I'm going to schedule a summit meeting

with you and Mr. Gorbachev, all right?

So go fuck yourself and your mama.

No matter.

As long as he continues to finance my steel-based factories,

we shall all be gods.

Excuse me...

Those damned Devoz's are going to turn GR

into a bigger shit-hole than it already is.

are ready. Commence combat.

Deacon, that well...

Deacon, will you please reconsider on coming tonight?

A god cannot be summoned!

What the fuck?

Fucking ones.

Hello, hi, hello.

Hey there, big guy.

Feeling all right?

You did get home okay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who cleaned me up?

Janice. The mother.

She insisted.

Yeah, her.

Did she take off my clothes?

Did she take advantage?

You wish.

I don't think she's into vomit porn, man.

You were a mess.

She just did your laundry.

I had to call up Mike, have him come down,

look in on you.

Yeah. Mike.

The story of my fucking life, man.

No, you know something?

Fuck, how long was I out?

Don't worry about it.

Things are looking up.

They're on their way, I promise you that.

Jesus man, it better.

Dude... Seriously, man.

75 fucking ones?

Seriously?

I mean, shit. I mean...

I have the landlord... No.

Dude, I'm gonna get evicted and shit, man.

I have bills to fucking pay.

-That is not my fucking responsibility. -I can't live like this.

Getting evicted from your place ain't my problem.

Why don't you ease up on the sauce?

Sauce? Sauce? The sauce.

What are you, my Pa?

Who calls it the sauce anymore?

Fuck you.

Well, you're in luck.

I got another one for you, right away.

It's tomorrow.

You sober for it?

-Tomorrow already? -Yes, right away.

Seriously, dude.

Jesus, Mary, fucking Judas Priest and Joseph.

Just get a pen, write down the address.

-No. -Yes.

-Just get the... -Can it wait, like...?

-No, it cannot wait at all. -wait.

Get a pen.

I know you've got one because you write on my phone,

on company property.

-I don't... Wait, what? -Start writing

now because I'm going to give you

-the address... Write it down. -Yes, write it down.

What's the address?

-555... -Yeah, I know, okay.

All right, hold on.

You know, you're going to

give me a heart attack one of these days.

Yeah, okay, bye.

-No, I need to know whether or not... -Yeah, love you, bye!

I didn't say...

Hello?

Hello?

Richard Vanuk, is this the right address?

Hello?

Shit.

Hello?

Shit.

Hey, hey, are you okay?

What's that?

I'm not going to hurt you, I'm just going to take that.

Okay? I'm going to take that.

No, please stop. Don't do that, don't!

Please! Please. Please.

Please. Please.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

You got... You got folks around here? Are they here?

Where are they?

Down there, that way? That way?

Down.

They're downstairs. I'm gonna be right back, okay?

Okay, you don't like that. I know, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna be right back.

Okay.

Jeez.

Okay, I'm just gonna go downstairs.

Okay? Stay here.

Shit.

Shit.

Quit scaring me, okay? My God.

Fuck.

Shit.

Hello?

Who's there?

Hello?

Hello?

Fuck me! Jesus Christ.

Short people a hundred fucking years ago.

Hello?

Fucking Ringo or something?

Hello? God.

Hello?

Fuck. What the fuck?

Jesus, God, fuck.

I don't know...

Okay, okay, okay!

You okay? You all right there?

You called me.

My God!

Slow down.

You tried to kill me!

You tore up our Bible!

Fifteen percent accurate is not the greatest...

I know it wasn't right.

He started that thing, started burning his fingernails.

And he kept biting them and biting them.

There was nothing left.

Where's my daughter? No, she's upstairs.

Where's my daughter? She's upstairs.

She's safe and sound, she's a little bloody.

I don't know if it was her blood or not,

I don't know. I just walked in here.

You called me, right?

-Yes... I'm here, I can try. -You can't help him.

You can't help him, no one can.

I have to go to my daughter.

I don't want anything to do with him.

You'll be all right!

Smile, Reverend.

Man, keep your hands to yourself, buddy.

You know what, stop that.

God damnit.

Jesus, it's heavy.

I've never seen one this wet before.

Jesus, no wonder why this book is

the New York Times Bestseller forever.

Come in.

No.

Please. Come in.

No, I'm not that kind of guy, man.

Come in.

All right, I'm gettin' really fuckin'

tired of this game, all right?

All right so...

Hey,

Come in.

Man.

Come in. Come in.

Please, come in.

Come in.

Come in.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Is this the only shit that's on?

Turn down Patsy Cline!

Hey, you give head to strangers?

No.

Well then, allow me to introduce myself.

Hey, the name's Steve. It's Steve.

Because I'm gonna be down there for so long

you're gonna forget what the fuck my name was.

You know I'm sick of watching these guys bother you all night long.

If I could one thing and just one weekend with you,

your ass and a jar of Cheez Whiz

would make me a very happy man.

How 'bout you, you got a line for me, Eddie Munster?

Lurch, you TV illiterate.

Yeah, I got a line.

Here's to swimming with bowlegged women.

What?

That's from Jaws I, you fuckin' moron.

Best shot I ever heard.

Nice.

Come on, god damnit.

Hey, Burgess!

You come to this shit-hole, too?

Fuck you!

You know dogs have

unconditional love but people don't.

Even after all the evil things he did

and how horrible he was to everyone around him,

that there was still somebody who loved him.

And that tells me that he was also

capable of loving.

It's not the same.

It's the same. It's exactly the same company.

Because it doesn't matter how crazy

or how difficult or evil somebody is.

They deserve to be loved.

You care for it.

[(typewriter clacking]

Hello!

Shit.

Are you the one who brings the taffy?

Yeah.

You're gonna help my boy. Come on in.

I made all his favorite food but

his jaw just keeps going and he won't eat anything.

Can you help him?

I made all his favorite food, he won't eat anything.

Jesus.

As you can see, he hasn't ate today.

We've tried feeding him but...

Pretty effortless.

Well what's the deal with those restraints there?

He can get violent.

Well what's the deal with that apparatus

on his face, what does that do?

Here, I'll show you.

Then when we try to feed him.

So, what do you think?

What can you do about this?

Well right now I'm gonna ask

you if you can leave the room.

Sir, I'm a healthcare professional.

I'm responsible for him, I'm not leaving his side.

Look, it's technical. Doesn't concern you.

Fine.

What a delightful spread.

Could you please stop that? It's kind of annoying.

Thank you.

Are you gonna eat this?

Vienna sausage.

It's like a gatling gun.

I'm sorry.

That's good.

Man. Mashed potatoes.

I remember as a kid when my mom

used to make this for me and my brother

and used to sit there at dinnertime and,

did you ever see Close Encounters?

Well anyway, Richard Dreyfuss starts making

the mountain out of mashed potatoes and

I don't know, we always thought that was neat.

We've probably been doing it for close to 25 years.

Even going to restaurants, we still do it.

It becomes just a habit.

Just a routine, kind of like this job.

I come in here, I say some dumb shit

that you can't even comprehend

and then I do my job.

I guess that's what happens when you turn pro.

Just don't think anymore, just under hypnosis.

It's like the drive to work and back.

If you work at the same job for 20 years, forget the drive.

You're like, "Holy shit, I'm here."

Which is weird because I was never the best at anything.

Sports.

Schooling, books, you know, homework, no.

Tests? Shit. Never went to college.

Just barely passed high school.

But then you find what you want in life

and I don't know if you find it or it finds you,

but, you know, I found something I'm good at.

See?

Did it again, didn't even know.

Richie. Richie!

Do you understand how much agony I'm in?

So much pain.

Everywhere around people are salivating.

They're raping me.

I can't help this feeling in hell.

I want your hand, just pull me up.

I'm being crushed.

They're forcing me to do so many things.

I just, I just, I want to be free.

I didn't like that bitch anyway.

Beans.

Want any of these?

No, I'm okay, thank you very much.

Actually, pass the peas.

Yeah, yeah. Sorry.

What is that, mayonnaise or something?

With all the peeps swimming in it?

It's tapioca.

I'm...

I'm sorry, man, I mouthed it.

You don't have cups or anything, do ya?

Gross.

Eat shit and die.

Unbelievable.

Bastard!

Drown in it, you fuck!

Shit!

Suck... bitch!

Fuck off! Fuck!

Burgess.

Bur...

Knife throwing Richard Vanuk comes

with everything you see here.

Vehicle sold separately.

Fuckin' a, Morgan Freeman.

What's up, Chief?

Cool.

6655...

Tonight?

Yeah? Fuck, really?

Yeah I still got it.

Shit.

Four days are up. Rent's due.

And I scheduled a G-8 summit with you and Gorbachev.

See that shit?

That's what happened to the last motherfucker didn't pay his rent.

Now it's time for me to make an example out of your dumb ass.

Look.

Burgess.

I know we do this dance quite often...

What is this?

What?

What's that?

This is my first job.

Shit.

Jesus Christ, Father, I am really sorry.

I didn't know.

-Yeah, I know Burgess. -You gotta tell me this shit.

You gotta work with me, man.

I'm sorry, Burgess, it's kind of hard to tell you when

you obviously see how I live and what I drink.

And priests are people too, we can all the stuff that you do.

Surprise.

Yeah, surprise. Cocksucking priest, but look.

I ain't gonna whoop your ass today.

You got another day to get this done, okay?

Go do what you do and get back tomorrow, all right?

Okay. Thank you.

Father Vanuk.

Hello.

Father Vanuk.

Yes, that's me.

Father Vanuk.

Jeans, Father?

Yeah, it's casual Friday today down at the rectory.

Can I come in?

Things started happening a few weeks ago, Father.

The last week strange things.

Strange things?

Strange things.

Every night he stands in a different corner

and just stares for hours.

I wonder what he's looking at.

So, what's wrong with that?

He's blind, Father.

And he makes things move.

You mean, move?

Yes. With his mind.

Why is the devil in my house?

I don't know, maybe you pull your pecker too much.

Father, I don't do that. That's a sin.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, forgot about that.

I'm sorry I mentioned...

What's that?

Holy water.

Anyhow I baked cookies for the sister's bake sale.

We give $21.35 each week to the church.

Pancakes and he ushers an over-30 softball league

and we help Girl Scouts sell the Girl Scouts for the church.

Girl Scout cookies for the church last year.

We do the stations of the cross,

we've done the offering, I've done readings

on Sunday five times this year.

Jeremiah? Six.

Can I ask you to leave the room?

Father, no, I need to help my brother.

I need to help you. Father, I need to help God.

It's technical, it doesn't concern you.

I'm a eucharistic minister.

Can you leave the room, please?

I need to be here. You don't understand.

All right, okay. Well... You wanna help?

Yes, yes, Father.

Okay, you wanna be my altar boy?

Yes, yes, Father.

Well I'm gonna need a few things from you.

Okay, okay.

Okay, number one I'm gonna need some candles.

And I'm talking like a fuck-ton of candles.

You mean a bunch of candles?

Yeah a bunch of candles, I'm sorry, my son.

I apologize, I'll go to reconciliation tomorrow for that.

I'm sorry, I'm just talking about a crap-ton, I need a lot.

A lot of candles, yes.

I'm just gonna say crap-ton, that's fine.

Also, I'm gonna need a Bible.

Father, you don't carry your own Bible?

I'm talking about a household Bible, okay?

So with the love of the family,

That one will do right there.

I'm sure that is a Bible, yeah, this will work fine.

Also, I'm going to need two bottles of your best wine.

Wine?

Yeah, it's a new tradition.

What you do is you make a circle of protection

with the blood of Christ, I have to bless it first.

You just sprinkle it around the ground,

you make a circle, you put yourself in it.

Demons hate it, it's a new tradition.

I don't...

I just don't understand.

I just don't get it.

Jeans, Father?

Jesus, give me a fucking break.

Would you just get the fucking, god damn wine

and all the candles and all that shit that I told you to?!

Sorry, my son.

Here's the wine and the candles, Father.

Shit.

What was that wine for, Father?

Well that wine was for me, that one there

is for the circle of protection.

What about the invocation of St. Michael?

Jesus Christ.

All right fine, fine, you wanna do the invocations

and the explorations and of his exfoliations

and all this vacation toxin bullshit?

Come on, come on, set that shit down, dude.

Come on, up and at 'em, look alive there, Sonny.

You're a altar boy now, okay?

Somewhere in the back here.

Shit, I was on the page.

Just breathe in, breathe out.

Comfy. You ready?

In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Amen.

Holy Jesus Christ our Lord and savior

and the feast of all saints.

What a life thou hast I mean.

Thy Father is power.

And with thy angels goes though with light, life.

But thou has Michael somewhere in there

amongst the thousands of guys.

One, one Michael...

which means I shouldn't mention

crosses and sea serpents and dragons and

slithery other reptiles so Michael

couldn't thou see thy way of lending us thy crown

and thy powers, it is holy God...

with thetans.

-The Bible! -Shit!

-That doesn't work! -Father!

I know what to do! I know what to do!

You're no priest!

Good morning, friend.

Hey man, you clean up nice.

Clean me up, too?

Couple of your associates showed up,

wanted to take you away.

I wouldn't let them, you needed the sleep.

Much obliged.

Yeah, well...

usually they'll dump my ass off in a city park, or...

Have a seat.

Sure.

You know, I've been blind since birth.

And I've always felt the sun on my face.

But I've never seen a sunrise.

Thank you.

No, you got the wrong idea about me.

I'm just...

just a washed-up drunk asshole.

You know, when you walked in,

that thing inside me, it laughed.

"I can handle a priest's hypocrisy."

But when you touched me, it was confused.

And you drove it out.

And I knew right then that you were not a priest.

I don't know what this is.

I don't know what this and all this is.

I mean, you tell me.

You have a gift.

You're a healer.

You're a blessing to other people.

I don't know where that gift comes from.

A higher power within yourself.

No one is given that kind of a gift

who is not meant to use it.

Look, I know you have your own demons, that's obvious.

I know it is.

Taking on other people's demons must not be easy.

When that darkness was inside me,

I remember everything.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know that that happened.

Did you ever ask?

Well, maybe I should start asking him,

see if he remembers anything.

I don't think he's gonna remember a thing.

You're all right, man.

What do they call you?

Jeremiah.

Jeremiah.

It's a good biblical name, isn't it?

Obviously.

Take care, Jeremiah.

You, too.

Remember, you were meant for this.

I'll keep that in mind.

Shit! Son of a bitch!

I don't give a fuck what the hell you fucking have to do.

We have to create some sort of a system, you know, a plan.

None of this "buy one, get one free" coupon code bullshit.

If people would just listen to me

and just fucking leave the room when I tell them to,

none of this shit would happen.

So there's no slowing down in this god damn business, okay?!

You know what? I'm the exorcist,

I have all the brainwave energy powers,

all that shazaam bullshit and you're the god damn

fat-ass corporate America boss that's micro-managing shit!

You know what? You get off your ass,

you get with the program and you

fucking do something about this.

You get me that fucking money, man!

Look, I'm out of fucking puke rags over here!

You don't have a fucking choice here!

Fuck me?! Fuck you!

Shit. God damnit!

You're a good man.

You help people.

You help people and this is where it gets you.

It gives you these looks, it gives you this

and all this, everything I see around me,

this is my fucking palace.

Yeah...

I definitely earned this.

You've earned this.

Look at this after-jiggle.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Mmn-Nn, no sir, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

There's no same in this, no shame,

there's no shame, no shame in this.

This is something to be proud of.

Because you're American.

You've earned this.

You work for a living.

You're in America. There's also baseball.

Richard Vanuk steps up to the plate and...

Jesus, fuck.

But that's okay.

Because now I got two bats.

One for each of ya, Ty Cobb.

Yeah, steps up to the plate.

Holy shit.

-Richie. -Kevin, Kelly...

Kenny.

-Kenny! -Kenny.

Yeah! How the fuck are ya?

Come in. I'm sorry, I gotta tell you.

I know it takes some getting used to,

but it smells like a crackpot of chlamydia

in a Burger King bathroom in here.

I don't know how you always talk me into this.

Hey man, I was always the prince of peer pressure.

Speaking of that, little role reversal.

I have a business opportunity.

Give that back. Give that back.

Give that...

$12.75.

What are you talking about?

Well, you came over in your free will,

and if this is a business opportunity not like,

you don't care about me or anything like that,

it's like, that's $12.75. I gotta treat this like a bar, man.

It's a business, this shit's expensive...

Three honest Abes.

I know you are living so exquisitely right now, but...

You know what? you could have been something one day, man.

You could have had all this.

11-inch screen TV with aluminum foil

amplification on the antennae.

I don't even need to go through walls

to get to my toilet, man.

I'm a king of my own castle,

I have pills that is paid for by the...

I am offering you a once in a lifetime opportunity.

For?

Marketing.

We do pigmentation for sporting goods equipment.

Are you serious?

That's not, listen, that's not...

You guys don't make the sports equipment

or any of that shit, you just supply

the pigmentation for the color?

You don't have to worry yourself with that. You are...

It's a powder? Wait, wait...

-For sporting goods, yes. -Color-coating?

You get a million bucks for that?

You remember Mother Teresa?

Remember her?

Yeah, I keep up on current events.

I know who Mother Teresa is.

She was famous but she died poor.

She loved what she did.

What I need you to do, what I think

you're capable of doing, is being a marketing director.

Because you're a good writer.

You write, I know you write still.

That's not there for show.

And this isn't here for show.

When you go home from work don't

you feel like you wanted to make a change,

like, where you can go to sleep at nights going,

"I did something for the world."

You just supply a color for padding in...

Wake up!

I'm trying to help you.

Drink it.

I don't even know why I'm here.

I don't even know why I'm trying to help you.

Drink it.

All I know is... I wanna help.

Drink it.

I can help.

And I will help if you allow that to happen.

Please drink it right now.

Look, tomorrow opportunity is literally calling.

Just be smart enough to answer.

And you know what, open a window in this place.

It smells like shit.

Hey Benson, I'm sorry to wake ya,

I just want to tell you three things:

number one, I hate this fucking job,

number two, I fucking hate you,

and number three, I quit.

I'm fucking done.

Bye.

Well, Rich, I've brought you

everything that you need to know

about the new CF-140 line.

Derek's not in yet but when he does get here

he's gonna have your DVD-ROM training packet.

Wanna see you get started on that right away.

Good to have you on board.

I'm very sorry that your Graybar

Plastic Pigment Powder was incorrect.

Graybar Plastic Pigment Powder Coating's

goal is 100% satisfaction.

100% satisfaction is Graybar Plastic Pigment

Powder Coating's first and only goal.

That and manufacturing the finest

plastic pigment powder coating for our customers.

You're saying you ordered the FS-16473 aircraft gray.

FS-36622 camel gray.

Yes, but I'm looking at it right here, sir,

and the order you placed on Graybar Plastic Pigment Coating

online form is for FS-36622 camel gray.

-What's up? -Hey, new guy.

Kenny's brother, right?

Yeah.

I'm Derek, the one everybody talks about around here.

Welcome to Graybar and the relentless revolution of

powder coating for sports plastics.

Albert told me to give you this instructional set

of DVD-ROMs, it's a 13-DVD-ROM set

with an online quiz at the end.

Each module takes about 40 minutes to complete,

I can do it in 30.

This, "Slips, Trips, and Falls" is scratched.

You don't need to worry about it because

you don't even need to watch that one.

We got a hard copy of the ditto quiz

module for you to complete.

Make sure you finish all DVD-ROM

modules before next Wednesday.

That's... 18th, I think.

We got another new guy coming in next week

and we don't have a spare set.

Also Stephanie in payroll, she send you an email

stating there was some kind of a problem

with your routing number you wrote

on your direct deposit form?

Get that fixed.

If you don't get that email, Virgil comes in Monday...

Plastic pigment powder coating...

a lot for you to swallow and sometimes this job blows ass.

It'll really suck if we merge with Dual Core

in the next seven years and the rumors are true.

Nancy, Ethan, Lucas, me: we go to Shepherd Dave's on Tuesdays.

Free onion ring blossom with a purchase

of two margaritas or 20-ounce brewmeisters.

-You can't beat that. -You can't.

We do karaoke every Friday...

Graybar plastic pigment powder coating...

if you're interested. If you do, you could be our fourth man for carpool.

Actually, you could save me a butt-ton of money.

Fifteen bucks... Gas prices went up.

Fax me your number.

free pitchers if you show your boobs,

doesn't say that it doesn't apply to guys so, I go in there.

Hey, gotta give me my free beer.

Know what I mean? So, anyway.

DVD-ROM modules, get to them man.

Benson, hey guess what? I had another epiphany.

Yeah I know what I have to do and I just

wanna fucking do this shit, man,

I wanna make a difference, okay?

It's like what Vermin said in the movie Warriors,

we came this far, we're gonna go the rest of the way.

Good, that's very good actually.

I have a job for you right away.

I had to put you on cleanup detail.

I gotta send you back.

Back?

Where?

Hey, horse girl.

You clean up nice.

I like what you did with your hair and everything.

Four days.

She's been like this for four days.

She doesn't talk to me, she doesn't recognize me.

She sews.

And the thing is, I don't even know where she gets it.

What?

The fabric.

Mr. Vanuk?

Rich.

Rich?

No formalities, I'm not the pope or anything.

Just Rich.

She's got my sickness.

I can fix this.

Stretch.

It's just you and me, buddy.

I thought that bawling, sniveling quim would never leave.

We have words to exchange.

We and you.

You know, you're lucky that that shit's black material

because nothing gets blood stains out.

Is this the part where you infuriate us with words?

Play the sharp-tongued drunkard?

Or the incessant fool?

Some of us hate you.

Well, you're wrong, 'cos everyone hates me.

What are you sewing?

Swaddling cloth.

Swaddling cloth. For whom?

For you.

Whatever you think, it's not mine.

Okay, you were all over me last time I was here

and that's cool, you're a hot chick and yes I would

go out with you, but you know, this job of mine,

I've been limp for fucking two weeks.

Some of us would fight you because

we do not see your use.

We want to see you gibbeted...

dance in your whiskey-soaked innards.

We would nail the gate shut to keep you out.

Locking the door makes one a prisoner.

Your brother is not yet born.

Are you going to take my picture?

Yeah.

Hold on one second.

Cheese.

Shit, this thing always jams up.

All right, it's an antique, but it works, okay?

All right, let's do this again.

No. Put it away.

What?

Why don't you want your picture taken?

Because we'll give you something

better to remember us by.

Who the hell are you?

And I tell you what the problem is,

it's those god damn horror movies.

He lays in there weeks on end making those masks,

those god damn masks.

What are they good for?

Like the devil's in there.

I told the little son of a bitch, you join the military.

You need to go to god damn church.

What's that, camo?

Yeah, that's camo.

You in the military?

Yeah, a long time ago I was in the shit.

You a religious man?

Yeah, kinda.

I listened to the Bible for five minutes on CD.

James Earl Jones read it.

That's Darth Vader.

The voice, not the guy in the suit.

You go on in there, you got five minutes.

Get it done, get the fuck out.

What?

This is ridiculous.

Why are you fuckers scary?

Okay, you know...

Is this seat taken?

Sorry.

Broke it, I think.

I don't know, is she supposed to do that?

I dig your masks, they're really good, man.

I like the one you got going on here,

it looks like Cyrano de Bergerac meets Rocketeer.

It was funny, my dad let me watch The Exorcist

in third grade but he would never let me touch Robocop.

"It's too violent, you can't watch that shit."

Guess they wanted to teach me something

or scare the shit out of me but it didn't really work.

The only way to give light is to burn, Richard.

And you will burn.

Come on, man.

Just pick up.

Hey, hey! Hey man, how you doing?

Yeah?

Yeah, it's all good, man.

It's good. Me?

Me? You know... I've been...

Fuck it. Me?

That was nothing. That was just nothing, okay?

Look, you're probably wondering why I'm calling...

Because I'm just wondering...

Do you have any jobs available?

Anything at all, like... any time soon?

Yeah, I mean, dude, it doesn't need to

an exorcism or anything, none of that crap,

I can... if your office needs painting or marketing

I'm one hell of a fucking writer, man. One hell of a fucking writer.

Just broke, man. All I got to my name is just cough syrup.

I'm broke, I guess I put myself out of business.

I gotta pay my bills too.

Hurts good, hurts bad. Yeah! Really bad.

Okay. Are we out of business?

You gotta promise me, man, if anything comes up,

I'll be the first to know, right?

Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

Thanks.

Fuck, this machine isn't fucking working!

Welcome back.

Thanks, it's awful to be back.

Can I please have a beer?

Yeah, I can get you a beer. Your tab is covered.

What?

Yeah, just covered your tab for ya.

No shit?

Fuck yeah, the usual?

So, even if you swam in raw sewage

I'd fuck the shit out you.

They just supplied the color for the plastics,

they didn't make the sports products or anything.

So what do you do?

Guess.

Judging by your eyes, you're not a lazy fellow.

I've got it, a writer.

And a shitty one at that.

I used to tinker with writing from

time to time as a hobby.

You're... I give up, what the hell are you?

I'm into therapy. Healin'.

So you're into medicine?

Yeah, kinda.

I'm a rare item.

I don't have a pot to piss in and

I don't really enjoy my job.

Thought I did for a little bit but,

I guess I really don't have to live this way.

But I choose to.

So what do you do?

I heal, therefore, I drink.

So are you Jesus or something?

No, no, I'm not white enough.

No, I'm...

What's going on?

Not much.

-I got an idea. -What's that?

Why don't we swap numbers then swap some spit?

What do you think about that?

Be all right?

I like it.

Good. Right.

Hey, bartender.

Silver Foam, Boysenberry IPA.

Simply a Burgess choice there, Burgess Belle.

It's good shit, you should try it sometime.

Simply a marvelous drink.

A simply Burgess drink for someone

by the name of Burgess fucking Belle.

I found out you're just a cocksucker,

you're not a cocksucking priest.

You're just a cocksucking homo.

Well it's true, but,

only dicksuckers drink that boysenberry skunk anus juice.

You can't tell me what to drink.

Go fuck yourself, I can tell you what to drink.

Don't tell me what to drink!

I'll tell you to drink whatever the fuck

I want you to drink!

I'll drink whatever the fuck I want! Who's paying rent?!

How 'bout half?!

That's it, faggot. Outside.

Giddy up!

Missed a spot right here, you fucking pussy.

Silver Foam Boysenberry IPA, motherfucker.

Hi.

You should see the other guy.

Why do you keep following me around?

You don't want me, I'm gross.

I like gross things.

God damnit, Vanuk!

What the fuck?

Give me that fucking thing!

Now we're all in the fucking shadows, you fucking asshole!

I was gonna bang that chick!

God damnit show yourself!

You come out, come out wherever you are!

You fuck!

This is what I fought all night to get back to!

Can you dig it?!

Can you dig it?!

You real?

Jesus Christ.

Well, this makes sense.