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but the term movie for home movie press

one happy Easter ress - terrible

Thanksgiving press 3 happy Kwanzaa press

5 aha hmm happy

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ah

liar

I children

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[Applause]

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Oh Mario yeah whispers welcome to the

fire-breathing dragon okay come on guys

game over hired aah

we found them okay guys come on another

flashlight I Emily Vowell no flashlight

Susan Campbell listen your locker

what

turn off the flashlights or I'll turn

off the camera did you just bite me

bring in the heat on up oh nice make out

now batting betting of a 31

Jack Jack Oh both centerfielder feels

the connecticut kinetochore oh oh oh

good John oh good what's up baby

no it'll help on what help we need help

you want me to get it oh you get it oh

my god Oh like do I have to do

everything around here

why not picture my arm okay your harmik

your arm my arm why not get it oh okay I

think I found some poison ivy and I just

saw gentle don't we just move in the

middle of nowhere

oh yeah huh how do you seen your dad

ball okay well um I'm gonna go look over

here um how about I shoot you can I just

cut out huh that might be cool for you

guys to look back at when you're older

right no parents allowed hmm is that all

parents or is that just me your dad well

I'm gonna go watch the game you want to

come you can ride in the wagon

Frank oh yeah right here

go right

I love the view mana hmm Oh big swinging

a myth

big fella and you go to formal very nice

make a smiley face

good job oh come on and give you ten

again yeah baby huge yeah uh-huh

is that a rock right

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and and and today we're going to learn

about the ancient art of wreaking

breaking it was a first discovered by a

Chinese a mountain task force in 1802

you my lovely assistant Jack Poe is

wrecking today because he's being

punished for throwing a rock at his

dad's head but you got Jack a dead bug

this is where we employed the notorious

garbage bag technique and there you have

a kid

it's our lesson for today dead things

going trash bags loves in the air can

you feel it yes let me keep you up okay

it's Friday November 9th 10:30 p.m.

it's a collateralized tenth wedding

anniversary I'm going to attempt the

most dangerous stunt but before I go

taste like don't come back Jack I want

you to know how much I love you Emily I

love you very very much too so uh well

this stunt is most dangerous I wouldn't

have anybody attempted if you're amateur

or if you're a bank of heart I mean

he'll try and jump all 206 my wife's

bones

[Applause]

yo can I have the camera in here

everybody over yeah your mark of sanity

like 30 and quickly some people have

boobs my wife has books love it

she's like she's like yes and just about

someone you want to come down bounce me

you'll eat it I am NOT in the leading

trying to move our family good middle of

the wood six months ago not at least

Gentiles

kiss me and lead it kids are better

never use it well too bad for you I

can't affect right now because cleaned

up the lumber fortune to go ahead forces

it

yeah we always have been naughty to spit

right miss how the parish holds video

that's our dead so bad at me like my dad

Mackie evil bad it would be a pastor you

know no looters hookup

well I am a doctor not anymore happy

Anniversary am pleased so much away is

not going to remember when we're old and

crepitus bargain all over each other

we're going to be firing a literature

within dying conservation spark yeah you

are I'm going to let it matchmaking okay

my what they had say have energy and the

prosperity great happy anniversary and

now you can take the camera aperture

between it is supposed to be my word

stuff that events and a lot going on so

forth I thought you'd never meet the

camp that precious

it's weird that two of them in bed

together into the cutest

the story of the drain and the paper bag

by Nikki power once upon a time in a

land far far away there lived the most

hideous two-headed dragon in honor his

early and this dragon had this dream of

eating all the boys and all the girls in

town in fact twas Margaery on Halloween

next when all the boys and all the girls

wear their paper-bag masks to school the

dragon decided that he was going to wear

his paper bag mask and thus disguised he

said first artist boo yard on the

schoolyard the school kids were

surprised by the sight of their new

student you're too tall they said you

have to his said another child you can't

be one of us you must be the tagging

trust me is a dragon answered what I'm

one of you oh yeah prove it they said

take off your mask that dragon knew that

that was something that he couldn't do

what I can do he said is talk like you I

can walk like you

should I can even dance like you do it

said the children and indeed the dragon

walked talked and danced just like he

was one again and the children were so

convinced that they invited him to sing

their songs with them they invited him

to play in their games and when the bell

rang for lunch they invited him inside

to eat with them thanks to the dragon

but I prefer to eat outside outside

children but whatever will you eat the

dragon responded you and with that the

dragon took off his paper bag mask

revealing the two hideous heat the

children started to scream but their

screams were soon swallowed inside the

Dragons stomach

I was perhaps the most vastly

inappropriate fairy tale I've ever

hunted hon its allegory for you don't

trust Ranger goodnight Steven good night

Lou your knight Nikolai commie bastard

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hello my name is doctor Clara Poe it is

the 10th of November 2006

this is video diary number one patient's

name building Thomasson 11 diagnosed

with program will be EOS at the

Children's Hospital in Philadelphia

where I'm currently chief resident of

the child psychiatry unit patient needs

all diagnostic criteria including

disorganized speech loggia catatonic

features and persistent delusions with

no fewer than three hallucinatory

episodes in the past three months in

which Billy claims there was quote a man

made of nails living under his bed ten

milligrams bill five ten milligrams lots

of times in less than a week this binary

treatment vanquished the least delusion

setting

man made of nails back to whatever

synapses firing he came from scheduled

appointment including blood work for

next Tuesday the 14th what November 18

I'm your host David Tolin this is

america's funniest most embarrassing

Home Videos today the kids have their

Thanksgiving Day party at school on

stress them to something we're going to

find my dick okay Bali's of you spaz

forgotten not to worry unless of course

dad Adam should be filming I'm sorry you

look great they look great absolutely

what did you think

come on give him a break

well why don't you just be one of the

main things is simply conspiracy know if

you can make a sale I think you can if

you're one type of level did you like it

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and on this episode of Claire PO turkey

proctologist extraordinary

Brecon and near kill them huh Emily it's

time to eat mom's been working on this

turkey all day dear lord thank you thank

you for providing us this most bountiful

feast most importantly thank you for

providing us week with each other with

love for this Thanksgiving me me you

most trusted holy God thank you for my

wife my beautiful wife thank you for my

children and thank you for this life

which is indeed blessed so let us pray

you're less indoors thank you again you

know what I can eat this turkey until

it's right all right dear good lord

thank you for the gift

you provide for us just eat I'm hangry

you're not going to eat until you pray

even from

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hi I'm Boy Scout leader get going you're

gonna learn about ancient art today

called lock-picking you won't find it in

a manual which will find it here all

right

bobby pin

got some check first thing we want to do

open up set bobby pin seal off a little

bit put it into the lock like so you

surf this kind of clockwise do you feel

it like that we go and locked a plug to

the left

here's to the one-handed bowl it's very

important not maybe the most essential

not ungettable undoable unless of course

you want to undo it you have two hands

let me show you how to do with one ready

like this go around the tree

Matt right there is a bowline all right

I want you to do one in one second all

right you watch it look good he is

here's old Nikolai

perfect dad's Jack's perfect you see

that Emily you're next you ready

I scream you scream we all scream fast

that's not even human jogging this what

best rely so that they're in the

military for the night or left or

usually they were stuck in Latrobe and

resistance I heard this music is weird

but it sounds familiar

so I got a little closer let's do this

truck ice cream truck I dragged them

down he's coming toward me I said hey

and listen to me it's a little loud so

I'm about the morning to you be playing

the music the way you're playing it you

might turn it down a little pieces no

problem real nice guy and he gives me

joy scream cough

how about that I know you don't

generally have ice cream that we go to

school bit yeah our kids don't deserve

ice cream my dad deserves a lecture from

their father since a favorite was wrong

and I know you're going to be thinking

about that here's what why don't we make

a movie a little more family together

John hole in charge

sorry Ringo well guys it's no perfectly

seasoned Christmas tree is just waiting

for us to put an action

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[Applause]

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good

where do you like that thing it's like

their own language and stop them okay

can you show me what you're drawing you

guys keep it so nice I think secrets are

essential our children work for the

Honduras CIA task force where am i

turning on Libya silence no live in the

middle of the woods I need to find a

course where the trees are okay I just

farted hey hey nobody was at all I just

saw my dad let me when I'm ten years old

look some in HD hey I like this one I

tweet like anorexic your past are kind

of hairy you're my

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picking and Cain and Cain said to Abel

his brother let us go out in the field

and when they were in the field Cain

rose up against his brother Abel and

killed him then the Lord said to Cain

where is Abel your brother he said I do

not know am I my brother's keeper and

the Lord said what have you done so so

so so this Christmas let's do more just

open gifts because we are all of us our

brother's keeper let's follow in

Christ's footsteps let's let's fight

evil on a daily basis because then and

only then can we call ourselves

Christians worthy in the eyes of the

Lord

no Christmas

okay beautiful you did it

definition we have connection Howie

Santa anything little girl let me the

secret to your video success that our

users are here Leslie nice I like it

oh it's a gastrointestinal Christmas

Merle and invited to participate bring

in whoopee cushions

all right guys who's ready for Christmas

all right it's Christmas time great we

help them up here we got

Bobby Institute agility studies hard a

presence so many friends that forget

about them up and what sayest pull put

that water gun down right now right now

right this instant

none of that round not in the house

the game is often came in wrong the

camera

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yesterday morning the 25th of December

Christmas

Jack and Emily crucified the family cat

my children detail

I think dr. as their mother is

by joining help subjects Jack and Emily

Poe age 10 birthday October 31st 1997 no

prenatal trauma no temporal lobe

epilepsy or a dollar damage Asperger's

disorder possible but unlikely malicious

intent falls into the category of

conduct disorder a precursor to adult

ASP or antisocial personality disorder

even the MMPI or the PCL are would have

to be administered to to test the ambit

and extent of Jack and Emily

psychopathology ammidon extent of their

mouth hi welcome to another New Year's

Eve our first year at the tow household

uh sure in year asperity love and a

healthy buzz for nursing should 5

o'clock this afternoon

[Applause]

I know right

[Applause]

ready you mind the bundle hi okay can

you put it down now

gosh you're scared I've been here um no

I just um I'm thinking that um maybe we

shouldn't go out tonight

you know kids it's fine it's fine

besides my day deserting right out we

never go out and that's the point

exactly why we should go out go out

we'll go to our old stomping grounds

okay the city will pair up nice and one

of these new friends just

if the babysitter here yet

however we should call I mention running

ready how much you know I have yeah what

I wasn't even here was yours which I

think it's your cool that's what we have

around here right oh yeah ok

and so not wanting on the city in it you

want to see people we used to know and

they just might ask that inevitable

question David

Claire are the kids sure I'll tell you

what one

you tell in Camry your news resolution

you can turn off come on I told mine I'd

rather someone but you should turn the

camera off the battery's going to die

for you

[Applause]

yeah we smoked New Year's resolution

hi results

evolved to

I want

I want this family to be family that

I thought it would be and I thought

about having family in the first place

because

I feel like I know these people

they're strangers would you roughhousing

with Daddy

will help you do daddy which should be

quiet David for you too daddy bite you

who bit you from there

what man man at the closet

ah

January 1st 2007 406 a.m.

multiple bite marks found on both Jack

and Emily torso and arms bite so deep

they left for lack of a better word

craters in their flesh

it is worth noting in the interest of

full disclosure a bit of the past when

it comes to my husband David was at a

child abused abused children as proven

by Piaget are predisposed as adult to

abuse Amaranto I know a lot I don't know

about my husband I know he drinks more

than you should and when he

this is species children have overactive

imaginations a man in the closet is not

real at the bite marks are

we've invited to look upset surprise

happy Valentine's Day hon

I was filly taking the kids to my mother

your boy know if you want a normal adult

people I've been happy to do that I'm

not doing it kids are not normal you

know we can't move into the middle of

nowhere raise them in its Norman

Rockwell world expect everything

nothing's changed it didn't work

my point is if there's something bad in

this house and it isn't major behaving

badly because they themselves have been

treated better recall the perspective of

a larger problem I'm not gonna be here

so no I can't believe do you know your

own kids are psychotic they crucified

the fucking time okay they put goldfish

in his sandwich there was a frog in vice

grips

I saw them eating wrongly obvious revolt

from two abused children say to the

camera say i abused our children say to

my face

go ahead or say to me what say I abuse

our children

taking the children to my mother's their

bodies come to plain work go it was

Idaho did the man in the closet 7 or 14

to 1 45 p.m. while the student body who

st. waters with attending a Valentine's

Day assembly in the cafeteria Jack and

Emily corner and a boy

Christian McNamara age 9 one grade below

them into who the boys bathroom once

inside they locked the door and begin to

bite him repeatedly and they just went

to stop

the boy is fine medically but Jack and

Emily have been expelled too clearly now

that no one is biting Jack and Emily

Jack and Emily fighting each other

Emily

hey honey

Shea's down

ready to talk to me about some radius

right you are Christian make dinner

because he did her you know

they said after you bit him he was

bleeding broke the skin but you can

why don't you keep eye

this picture is drawing

seems like he had it all planned out he

wasn't bringing me to the bathroom until

right

honey in court that's called

premeditation

enjoy

baby girl in church I talked about how

for every good thing that God does Satan

suspense

just like their angels on the earth

there's also demons and they can go

everywhere

musics or bad things

Emily hi I need to talk to your father

and you go ahead dear sweet and please

stay out of Jackson right now I'm taking

the camera so you get to film the

children but I don't get it

it's a family camera and it's not yours

I use it for my work

Jack is my work Jackson five Jack now

we're going to deal with called a motion

test okay all you have to do is look at

the pictures

Oh easy

okay just look at the picture

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I'm beginning a a course in

psychopharmacology ten milligrams

quality

exorcism doesn't exist for Lutheran's

nor does it exists really in practice

for Catholics for any Christians yellow

in the morning white in the afternoon

Pinckney this practices date archaic

never ever take more than one pill at a

time do you understand

otherwise your body will go into what we

call a conscious coma we've somehow

today deemed it more palatable to reduce

John Wayne Gacy 33 murders the fact that

he was abused as a child

10 milligrams Haldol 10 milligrams of

aspirin and there's were there's evil in

this leave his house in Christ

leave this house in Christ leave this

house in Christ leave this house in

Christ

this is my house

these are my children leave my fucking

children alone get the fuck out of my

house there shall be a Shelby - leave

this house

[Music]

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April 8 2007 Easter Sunday two months

have passed I'm happy to report that

since my last report Jack and Emily's

antisocial behavior has received the

Haldol and best broom shown no negative

side effects allowing them to

successfully reenter school much to our

surprise we have befriended Christian

McNamara inviting him over to hunt for

Easter eggs proving once again that

there is no good child there's no bad

child

there's only diagnosis and with a

diagnosis treatment no you're insane I

have treated my children hey guys are

you doing good baby you you guys up to

how about this garden weasel

yeah we run black people before right

I'll build strong we have to coach

assure me the answer for thumper good

night all right we're going to get right

with you three I have nothing I see if I

show it handsome looking pretty great a

planning okay I'm gonna do it

half now okay you guys watching okay all

right we're gonna recap the kids ten

years ago Easter you are a mr. Rowland

Chris children your father was walking

out of church a proper quad he spotted

your mother a patented David Pro charm

kicked in and you could almost hear it

that's tough yeah you got to talkin I

got this staring I know what you're

doing with a pipe in your hand and she

said co-requisite sarcasm

I just witnesses and other religious

types allowed to flirt with her with I

should know those witnesses are not

required by law

however loosens our and I explained yes

with a great deal of condescension I

might add of condescension that she had

any doubts about this fact she might

want to present herself at the Divinity

School kegger on Friday night at

midnight because the theology department

at Harvard is bar none party

and Percy Percy and you didn't think the

beer was good enough for me so you

brought down you brought me a cod wine

of wine box of wine wine that comes on a

box

mr. Romain and Johnny romance and I

asked you what could a psychiatrist and

a pastor ever have in common I said face

to face please

the two of us more than any other people

could actually help you that's right I

do love you but I don't believe you for

believing you

he believes in this thing

son keratin is marketed if everything is

perfect

oh I came from the strangest place

looking like a you know I would change

and why I oughta

you need to make your buddy please fill

makeup dad Emily

one out of every three three yeah Emily

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hey Noah

we're not here jack Emily

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[Applause]

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because it's Easter Sunday and our

children are minors DCFS against our

better wishes it's given us custody of

our children until the court arraignment

tomorrow

tonight will be the last light in this

house

tomorrow he will be charged as - with

one count of unlawful restraint one

count attempted murder with a provision

food cause of juvenile detention until

the age of 18

tomorrow boarding jacket and will you

get it go away

like Abraham sacrificed Isaac so we must

sacrifice our children

but even still I love my school night is

my son and my baby good anyone

and we're not talking like you're

talking to us listen what healthy choice

focus country

against our wishes

let's give us custody of our children hi

welcome to the Jack and Emily show I'm

Jack I'm Emily let's have some fun

you're quiet in there I can't even hear

you but I know you're there

let's have a staring contest I dare you

to stare Joe our movies done I bet you

[Applause]

[Music]

what with the light on the side by the

head and won the yeah stop this shit

right now

untie me

[Applause]

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guys I can see you don't know okay to

move I will break every bone in your

fucking body

David David you know yeah sure I had a

good omelet right now heard you guys

didn't you are giving it out you are not

my children I know what you are

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give that up

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you