Original subtitles

MOSFILM 1952

REVIZOR a comedy by N.V. Gogol

Written and directed by Vladimir PETROV

Assistant Director V. SHVELIDZE

Director of Photography Yuri YEKELCHIK

Art direction Vladimir KAPLUNOVSKIY

Sound: Valeri POPOV

Composer: Nikolai TIMOFEYEV

I have called you together, gentlemen, to tell you an unpleasant piece of news:

An Inspector-General is coming.

What, an Inspector-General?

What, an Inspector-General?

Yes, an Inspector from St. Petersburg, incognito. And with secret instructions, too.

Oh my!

As if we hadn't enough trouble already without an Inspector!

Good Lord! Even with secret instructions!

I had a sort of presentiment.

Last night I kept dreaming of two rats - regular monsters!

Upon my word, I never saw the likes of them -

black and supernaturally big.

They came in, sniffed, and then went away.

Here's a letter I'll read to you ...

from Andrei Ivanovich Chmykhov,

You know him, Artemy Filippovich.

Here's what he writes:

"My dear friend, godfather and benefactor ...

... to let you know ..." Aha! That's it!

"I hasten to let you know, among other things,

"that an official has arrived here with instructions to inspect the whole province, and your district especially.

"So, as you have your little peccadilloes, you know, like everybody else -

"you're an intelligent man, and you don't let the good things that come your way slip by -"

Well, that's his rubbish -

"I advise you to take precautions, because he may arrive any hour,

"if he hasn't already, and is not staying somewhere incognito.

"Yesterday I ..." Well, the rest are family matters.

So there you have the situation we are confronted with!

An extraordinary situation, most extraordinary!

Something behind it, I'm sure.

Why, Anton Antonovich, What for?

Why should we have an Inspector?

Why? It's fate, I suppose.

Till now, thank goodness, they have been nosing about in other districts.

Now our turn has come.

I think, Anton Antonovich,

that the cause is a deep one and rather political in character.

It means this:

that Russia... yes... intends to go to war,

and the Ministry then, you see,

has secretly sent an official to find out if there's any treasonable activity around here.

The wise man has hit on the very thing!

Treason in this little provincial town! As if we were on the frontier!

Why, you might gallop for three years from here and still reach nowhere.

No, I tell you, you don't grasp it, you don't ...

The Ministry is shrewd.

It makes no difference that our town is so remote. The Ministry is on the look-out all the same -

On the look-out, or not on the look-out, anyhow, gentlemen, I have given you warning.

I am taking some precautions myself, and I advise you to do the same.

Especially you, Artemy Filippovich!

This official, no doubt, will want first of all to inspect your department.

So you'd better see to it that everything's in order,

that the night-caps are clean, and the patients don't run around grimy as blacksmiths...

as they usually do.

That's a small matter. We can get clean night-caps easily enough.

And it would be better, too, if there weren't so many of them.

If there are a large number, it will instantly be ascribed to bad supervision or incompetent medical treatment.

As to treatment, Christian Ivanovich and I have worked out our own system.

Our rule is: the closer to nature the better!

We use no expensive medicines.

Man is a simple affair. If he dies, he'd die anyway.

If he gets well, he'd get well anyway.

Besides, Christian Ivanovich would have a hard time making the patients understand him.

He doesn't speak a word of Russian.

And you, Ammos Fiodorovich, had better look to the courthouse.

The attendants have turned the entrance hall where the petitioners usually wait ...

into a poultry yard, and the geese and goslings go poking their beaks between people's legs.

Well, I'll have them all taken into the kitchen today.

Do you want to come to dinner?

As for your assessor, he is an enducated man, to be sure,

but he smells as if he had just emerged from a distillery.

That isn't right either.

You might advise him to eat onions or garlic, or something of the sort.

No, there's no cure for it.

He says his nurse struck him when he was a child, and he has smelt of vodka ever since.

As regards the internal administration and what Andrey Ivanovich in his letter calls "little peccadilloes,"

I have nothing to say.

Why, of course, there isn't a man living who hasn't some sins to answer for.

That's the way God made the world, and let the Voltairean freethinkers talk against it as much as they like.

What do you mean by sins, Anton Antonovich?

There are sins and ... sins.

I tell everyone plainly that I take bribes.

But what kind of bribes?

White greyhound puppies. That's quite a different matter.

Bribes are bribes, whether puppies or anything else.

Oh no, Anton Antonovich.

But if one has a fur coat worth 500 rubles, and one's wife a shawl -

And supposing greyhound puppies are the only bribes you take?

But you don't believe in God, you never go to church,

while I at least am a firm believer and go to church every Sunday.

And you... Oh, I know you!

When you begin to talk about the creation it makes my flesh creep.

Well, it's a conclusion I've reasoned out with my own brain.

Too much brain is sometimes worse than none at all.

However, I merely mentioned the courthouse.

I dare say nobody will ever look at it.

It's such an enviable place. The Almighty God Himself seems to watch over it.

But you, Luka Lukich, as inspector of schools,

ought to have an eye on the teachers.

One of them, for instance, that man with the fat face, I forget his name,

he's sure, the moment he takes his chair, to screw up his face like this.

Like this!

I have told him about it time and again.

Only the other day when the marshal of the nobility came into the class-room,

he made such a face at him as I had never seen in my whole life.

I dare say it was with the best intentions; but I get reprimanded...

for permitting radical ideas to be instilled in the minds of the young.

And then I must call to your attention the history teacher.

Once I listened to him.

As long as he was talking about the Assyrians and Babylonians, it wasn't so bad.

But when he reached Alexander of Macedon, I can't describe what came over him.

Upon my word, I thought a fire had broken out.

He jumped down from the platform, picked up a chair and dashed it to the floor.

Alexander of Macedon was a hero, it is true.

But that's no reason for breaking chairs. And the Government must bear the cost.

Yes, he's a hot one!

He says: "As you wish, but for the cause of science I will even sacrifice my own life."

Yes, it's a mysterious law of fate.

Your clever man is either a drunkard,

or he makes such grimaces that even a saint would be frightened.

Heaven save us from being in the educational department!

One's afraid of everything.

Everybody meddles and wants to show that he's as clever as you.

Oh, that's nothing. But this cursed incognito!

All of a sudden he'll look in:

"Ah, so you're here, my dear fellows! And who's the judge here?"

"Lyapkin-Tyapkin."

"Bring Liapkin-Tiapkin here!"

"And who is the Superintendent of Charities?"

"Zemlianika" [Strawberries]

"Bring Zemlianika here!"

That's what's bad!

Tell me, gentlemen, who's coming? What official?

Haven't you heard?

I heard from Pyotr Ivanovich Bobchinsky.

Well, what do you think of it?

What do I think of it? Why, there'll be war with the Turk.

Exactly. Just what I thought.

You're both wide off the mark!

It's war with the Turk for sure, all formented by the French.

Nonsense! War with the Turk indeed!

It's we who are going to get it, not the Turk. You may count on that. Here's a letter to prove it.

In that case, then, we won't go to war with the Turk.

Well, how do you feel about it, Ivan Kuzmich?

How do I feel? How do YOU feel about it, Anton Antonovich?

I? Well, I'm not afraid, but I feel just a little ... you know, the merchants and townspeople are worrying me.

I seem to be unpopular with them.

But the Lord knows, if I've taken from some, I've done it without a trace of ill-feeling.

I even suspect...

I even suspect...

that I may have been denounced.

Or why would they send an Inspector to us?

Look here, Ivan Kuzmich, don't you think you could, for the common benefit, you know,

just open a little every letter that passes through your office and read it,

to see if it contains any kind of information against me, or is only ordinary correspondence.

If it is all right, you can seal it up again, or simply deliver the letter opened.

Oh, I know. You needn't teach me that. I usually do it not so much as a precaution as out of curiosity.

I'm dying to know what's going on in the world.

And it's very interesting reading, I tell you.

For instance, not long ago a lieutenant writes to a friend describing a ball very wittily - just splendid!

"Dear friend," he says, "I live in the regions of the Empyrean, lots of girls, bands playing, flags flying."

He's put a lot of feeling into his description, a whole lot.

I've kept the letter on purpose. Would you like to read it?

No, this is not the time for such things.

That cursed incognito is on my brain.

Any moment the door may open and in walks ...

- What an extraordinary occurrence! - An unexpected piece of news!

- What is it, what is it?

- Something quite unforeseen. We were about to enter the inn - - Yes, Piotr Ivanovich and I were entering the inn -

Please, Peter Ivanovich, let me tell...

Speak, for Heaven's sake! What is it? My heart is in my mouth!

Sit down, gentlemen!

Well, what is it?

Permit me, permit me. I'll tell it all just as it happened.

As soon as I had the pleasure of taking leave of you, after you deigned to read the letter which you had received, sir,

I then ran out ... Please do not interrupt, I know all about it!

So you see, I ran out to see Korobkin.

And not finding Korobkin at home, I went off to Rastakovsky.

And not finding Rastakovsky, I came here to Ivan Kuzmich to tell him your news.

And going from there, I met Peter Ivanovich Dobchinksy...

Near the stall where they sell pies.

Near the stall where they sell pies.

After meeting Peter Ivanovich I say to him:

"Have you heard the news, that Anton Antonovich has received in an absolutely reliable letter?"

But Peter Ivanovich had already heard it from your your housekeeper Avdotya.

Since you, Peter... don't interrupt, please don't interrupt me!...

On the way, Peter Ivanovich says:

"Let's go to the inn", he says.

"I haven't eaten a thing since morning. My stomach is growling."

Yes, Peter Ivanovich's stomach was growling.

"They just got in a supply of fresh salmon at the inn," he said. "Let's have a bite."

We had hardly entered the inn when we saw a young man--

Not bad looking, dressed in civilian clothes.

Not bad looking, dressed in civilian clothes,

walking up and down the room.

There was something usual about his face, you know, something deep, and a manner about him, and here ... full, full of everything.

If I had a sort of premonition and I said to Peter Ivanovich:

"Something's up. This is no ordinary matter."

And Peter Ivanovich beckoned to the landlord, you know, the innkeeper Vlas.

three weeks ago his wife had born him a baby - such a bouncer -

he'll grow up just like his father, and keep a tavern.

Well, we beckoned to Vlas, Peter Ivanovich asked him quietly:

"And who", he says, "is that young man?"

And Vlas answers him thus:

He says, "that a young man is an official," - Yes, - "travelling from St. Petersburg."

"And by the name of Ivan Aleksandrovich Khlestakov!"

"And going", he says, "to the Saratov province. And he acts very strange."

It's the second week he's been here and he's never left the inn;

and he won't pay a kopeck, orders everything on account."

When Vlas told me that, a light dawned on me from above,

"Hey!" - I said to Peter Ivanovich...

No, Peter Ivanovich, I said, "Hey!"

Well, first, you said it, and then I said it.

"Hey!" - We both said to Peter Ivanovich.

And why should he sit tight here ...

when he's on his way to the Saratov province?"

Yes, sir, that's him, the official!

Who? What official?

Why, the official who you were notified was coming, the Inspector.

Great God! What are you saying! It can't be he!

It is, though. Why doesn't he pay his bills and why he doesn't leave?

Who else can it be? And his post-chaise is ordered for Saratov.

It's he, it's he, it's he - why, he's so shrewed,

he scrutinized everything. He saw that Peter Ivanovich and I were eating salmon -

and he looked at our plates so hard that I was frightened to death.

The Lord have mercy on us sinners! How long has he been here?

Two weeks. He arrived on St. Vasilij the Egyptian's day.

Two weeks! Holy Father and saints, preserve me!

During those two weeks I flogged a sergeant's widow,

the prisoners were not given their rations,

the streets are dirty as a pothouse - a scandal, a disgrace!

Well, Anton Antonovich, hadn't we better make a procession to the inn now?

No, no. First send for the chief magistrate, then the clergy, then the merchants.

That's what it says in the book "The Acts of John the Freemason".

No, no, leave it to me.

I have been in tight spots before. They passed off very well, I was even thanked afterwards.

Maybe the Lord will help us out this time, too.

You say he's a young man?

Yes, about 23 or 24 at the most.

So much the better. It's easier to pump things out of a young man.

It's tough if you've got a hardened old devil to deal with. But a young man is all on the surface.

You, gentlemen, had better see to your business while I go unofficially, by myself,

or with Peter Ivanovich here, as though for a walk, to check if the visitors are properly accommodated in town.

Hey, Svistunov!

- What is it? - Go right now to the Police Captain -

or no, I need you here!

Tell somebody to send him here as quickly as possibly and then come back.

Let's go, let's go, Ammos Fiodorovich. We may really get into trouble.

What have you got to be afraid of? Give the patients clean nightcaps and the thing's done.

Nightcaps? Nonsense! I gave order to serve the patients oatmeal gruel.

Instead, there was such a smell of cabbage in all the corridors that you had to hold your nose.

- Well, is the cab ready? - Yes, sir.

Go out into the street... or, no! run up to my room, you hear!

And fetch my sword and my new hat. Now, Piotr Ivanovich, come.

- And me, me too ... - No you can't, Peter Ivanovich.

It won't do. Besides, there is not enough room in the cab.

That doesn't matter. I'll follow you on foot, I just want to peep at him.

Be off and get the policemen together. Let each of them take a ...

Ah, see how scratched the sword is!

It's that dog of a merchant, Abdulin.

He can see that the Governor's sword is old and doesn't provide a new one. Oh, the sharpers!

I bet they've got their petitions against me ready in their coat-tail pockets.

Let each man take a street in his hand ...

devil, I don't mean a street - a broom!

and sweep the street leading to the inn,

and sweep it clean, do you hear!

I know you, I know your tricks.

What have you been up to with the merchant Chorniayev, eh?

He gave you two yards of cloth for your uniform and you stole the whole bolt.

Be careful! Don't try to pull tricks above your station. Off with you!

Stepan Ilyich, an official from St. Petersburg has arrived. What have you done about it?

What you ordered me to.

Listen, this is what you'll do:

Sergeant Pugovitsyn - he's tall. So make him stand on duty on the bridge for appearance's sake.

Then the old fence near the bootmaker's must be pulled down at once ...

and a post stuck up with a whisp of straw so as to look like grading.

The more rubble there is, the more it will show the governor's activity.

Good God!

I forgot about those forty cart-loads of rubbish that were dumped against that fence.

What a vile, filthy town this is!

A monument, or even only a fence, is erected, and instantly they bring a lot of rubbish from the devil knows where, and dump it there.

Let's go!

Anton Antonovich, that's the hat-box, not your hat.

If it's the hat-box, it's the hat-box, the deuce take it!

If he asks why the church wasn't built from the charity funds provided five years ago,

don't forget to say that the building was begun, but was destroyed by fire.

I have a report about it.

Some damned fool might forget and let out that the building was never even begun.

Let's go!

Where are they? Where are they? My husband!

Anton! Anton!

It's all your fault. Dawdling! Dawdling! "I want a pin - I want a scarf."

Anton, where are you going?

Wait!

And tell Derzhimorda [bully] not to be so liberal with his fists.

Guilty or innocent, he punches them all in the interest of public order.

Let's go!

He's gone!

Now we have missed the news.

It's all your confounded coquettishness.

It can't be helped, mamma. We'll know everything in two hours anyway.

In two hours! What an answer! I humbly thank you.

Hey, Avdotya!

Listen, what's happing down there?

What about the visitor, has he arrived? Did you hear anything?

Peep through the crack and find out everything!

And whether his eyes are black or not, and be back here instantly, this minute!

Do you hear? Hurry!

Quick, quick!

The devil take it!

I'm so hungry.

And there's a racket in my belly, as if a whole regiment were blowing trumpets.

We'll never reach home.

I'd like to know what we are going to do.

Two months already since we left Peter.

He's gone through all his cash, the precious fop,

so now he sticks here with his tail between his legs and takes it easy.

We had more than enough cash to pay for the fare,

but no, he must exhibit himself in every town.

"Hey, Osip, get me the best room ...

"and order the best dinner.

"I can't bear bad food. I must have the best."

It would be all right if he were really somebody, but he's just a common little office clerk!

Gets acquainted with other travellers, plays cards and loses his last kopeck!

Oh, I'm sick of this life. It's better in our village, really.

There's less going on, but then there's less to worry about.

You get yourself a wife, lie on the stove all day and eat pie.

Of course, to tell the truth, life in Peter is best.

All you need is money.

And then you can live smart and in style:

theatres, dancing dogs and what not.

And everybody talks so genteel to you, almost as if you're from the nobility.

If you go to the Shchukin market, the shopkeepers call you "venerable sir".

If you want company, you go into a shop.

There the old soldiers will tell about life in camp ...

and the meaning of every star in the sky, so that you see them all as if you held them in your hand.

Then an old officer's wife will gossip ...

or a pretty chambermaid will dart a look at you -

phew, phew, phew!

And what deucedly civil manners they have, too.

There's one bad thing, though;

sometimes you get lots of first class food and sometimes you're almost starving - like right now.

It's all his fault. What can you do with him?

Oh my God, if only I could have some cabbage soup.

I think I could eat up the whole world now.

There's a knock.

I suppose it's him.

Here, take it.

So you've been warming the bed again!

Why should I have been warming the bed? Do you think I've never seen a bed before?

You're lying, you've lain in the bed.

The bed's all tumbled up.

What do I need a bed for?

Don't I know what a bed is like?

I have legs and can use them to stand on. I don't need your bed.

Go see if there isn't some tobacco in the pouch.

What tobacco? You finished it four days ago.

Listen...

Hey, Osip!

What do you want now?

You go down there.

Where to?

Down to the kitchen ...

tell them to send up dinner.

No, I won't.

How dare you, you fool!

It won't do any good, anyhow.

The landlord said he won't let you have anything more to eat.

How dare he not serve me dinner!

What rubbish!

He says too that he'll go to the Governor.

"It's been three weeks now that you haven't paid him," he says.

"You and your master are cheats," he says, "and your master is a blackguard besides," he says.

"We know the breed. We've seen swindlers like him before."

And you're delighted, I suppose, to repeat all this to me, you mule.

"Every Tom, Dick and Harry comes and lives here," he says, "and runs up debts so that you can't even kick him out."

"and I'm not joking" he says,

"I'm going straight to the Governor and have him put in jail."

That'll do now, you fool.

Get out!

Get out!

I am so terribly hungry.

I took a little stroll, thinking I could walk off my appetite.

Damn it, it doesn't go away.

Yes!

If I hadn't amused myself in Penza, I'd have enough money to get home with.

That infantry captain fixed me up all right. Wonderful the way the scoundrel cut the cards!

It didn't take him more than 15 minutes to clean me out of my last kopeck.

And yet I would give anything to get even with him in another game.

Only I'll never have the chance.

What a rotten little town!

You can't get anything on credit even in the grocery shops.

That's deucedly mean!

They're bringing dinner.

Dinner! Dinner! Dinner!

This is the last time the master will let you have dinner.

The master! The master! I spit on your master.

What is it?

Soup and roast.

- What, only two courses? - That's all.

Nonsense! I won't accept it.

What does he mean by that? Ask him. It's not enough.

The master says it's even too much.

I'm not going to argue with you, you fool!

What, you call that soup?

You just poured hot water into the plate.

No taste at all, it just stinks.

I don't want this soup, Bring me another.

We'll take it back, sir. The master said: "If he doesn't want it, he needn't take it."

Well, well, well ... you fool!

Leave it here!

You may be used to treat other people this way,

but I'm not that sort, my friend.

I advise you not to try it on me.

My God, what a soup!

I don't think anybody in the world has ever tasted such a soup.

Feathers floating in it instead of butter.

Serve the roast.

There's a little soup left, Osip. Have it.

What sort of roast is this?

- This isn't roast beef. - What else is it?

The devil knows what it is, but no roast beef.

It's roast leather, not roast beef.

Crooks!

Is there nothing else?

If a visiting official asks you if you're satisfied with your employment ...

you all say: "We're perfectly satisfied, Your Honour!"

And if anybody isn't satisfied, I'll give him something to be dissatisfied about it later.

Oh my, oh my! Dear! Dear!

In room no. 5.

In the same room that the officers quarreled in when they passed through here last year.

It's just as if I had eaten nothing at all. It has only whetted my appetite.

If I only had some kopecks to send to the market and buy some bread.

The Governor has come, I don't know what for. He's inquiring about you.

There now! That beastly inn-keeper has made a complaint against me.

Heaven only grant that I can get this over and done with as quickly as possible,

then I'll donate a such candle as has never been offered before.

I'll levy three pud of wax from every damned merchant.

Suppose he really throws me in jail?

Well! If he does it in a gentlemanly way, I might perhaps...

No, no, I won't!

The officers and the people are all out on the street and I set the fashion for them and the merchant's daughter and I flirted.

Help me, God!

And pray, who is he?

How dare he, really?

What does he take me for? A tradesman? An artisan?

Yes, I'll tell him straight out:

"How dare you, you..."

I have come to present my compliments, sir.

My pleasure...

Excuse my intruding.

Pray don't mention it.

It's my duty as chief magistrate of this town to see that visitors and persons of rank should suffer no inconveniences.

Well, what was to be done? It's not my fault.

I'm really going to pay. They'll send me money from home.

But he is most to blame!

He gave me roast beef as hard as a log!

and the soup - God knows what he poured into it.

I ought to have to pitched it out the window.

Excuse me! I assure you, it's not my fault. I always get good beef in the market here.

I'm sure I don't know where he gets his bad meat from.

But if anything is wrong, then...

allow me to find lodgings for you somewhere else?

No, I thank you. I don't care to leave. I know what that other lodging means: jail!

What right have you, I should like to know - how dare you?

I'm in the government service in St. Petersburg.

My God, how angry he is.

He has found out everything from those damned merchants.

I won't leave this place even if you come for me with your entire police force.

I'll go straight to the minister!

Who do you think you are!

Have pity on me. Don't ruin me. I have a wife and children. Don't bring misfortune on a man.

No, I won't go. What's that got to do with me?

Must I go to jail because you have a wife and children? Great!

It was my inexperience. I swear to you, it was nothing but my inexperience and insufficient means.

Judge for yourself. The salary I get is not enough for tea and sugar.

And if I have taken bribes, they were mere trifles ...

something for the table, or a coat or two.

As for the sergeant's widow whom they say I flogged, she's in business now, and it's a slander.

A vile slander!

All this means nothing to me ... oh well...

I don't see, though, why you should talk to me about your sergeant's widow.

A sergeant's widow is another matter.

But don't you dare flog me!

You can't do it to me! No, sir, you can't.

The idea! Look at him!

I'll pay, I'll pay the money.

That's why I'm staying here... because I haven't a single kopek.

Oh, he's a shrewd one. So that's what he's aiming at?

He's raised such a cloud of dust you can't tell what direction he's going.

Who can guess what he wants? One doesn't know where to begin.

Come what may, I'll try - hit or miss.

If you really need money or anything else,

I am ready to serve you. It's my duty to help out visitors.

Lend me some, lend me some.

Then I'll settle up immediately with the landlord.

I only want 200 rubles. Even less would do.

There's just 200 rubles. Don't bother to count it.

I humbly thank you.

I'll send it back to you as soon as I get home. I just suddenly found myself without ...

I see you are a gentleman. That makes all the difference.

Well, thank God, he's taken the money. Now I suppose things will move along smoothly.

I slipped 400 instead of 200 into his hand.

Hey! Osip!

What are you waiting for? Please, sit down.

It's no trouble. We can stand.

I now see perfectly how open-hearted and generous you are.

I confess I thought you had come to put me in ...

Call the tavern servant!

He wants us to pretend he's incognito.

Very well, we'll talk nonsense, too.

We'll pretend we haven't the least idea who he is.

We were on duty, actually,

with Peter Ivanovich Dobchinsky, a local landowner,

and we came to the inn to inquire whether the guests are properly accomodated,

because I'm not like other governors, who don't care about anything.

No, apart from my duty, out of pure Christian philanthropy, I wish every mortal to be decently treated.

And as if to reward me for my pains, chance has afforded me this pleasant acquaintance.

I, too, am delighted. Without your aid, I confess, I should have had to stay here a long time.

I didn't know how to pay my bill.

Oh yeah, fib on. Didn't know how to pay his bill!

May I ask where Your Honor is travelling to?

I'm on my way to the Saratov province, to my family's estate.

To the Saratov province, eh? And he doesn't even blush!

One must be very alert with him.

My father needs me.

He's angry because so far I haven't made headway in the St. Petersburg service.

How he fabricates! Dragging in his old father, too.

And may I ask whether you are going there for a long stay?

I really don't know.

You see, my father is stubborn and stupid, an old dotard as hard as a block of wood.

I'll tell him straight out, "Do what you will, I can't live away from St. Petersburg."

He can spin yarns all right. Lie after lie and he never trips.

And such an ugly insignificant-looking creature, too. Why, I could crush him with my fingernails.

But wait, I'll make you talk.

You were quite right in your observation, that there's nothing to do in such a dreary provincial town.

You lie awake nights, you work hard, you think of the fatherland,

you don't spare yourself, and the reward? You don't know when it's coming.

This room seems rather damp.

Yes, it's a dirty room. And the bugs!

I've never experienced anything like them. They bite like dogs.

You don't say! An illustrious guest like you to be subjected to such indignity at the hands of whom?

Of vile bugs who should never have been born.

And I dare say, it's dark in here, too.

Yes, very dark. The landlord has stopped providing candles.

Sometimes I want to do something, read a bit, or, if the fancy strikes me, compose something.

But I can't: dark, very dark!

I wonder if I might be bold enough to ask you ... but, no, I'm unworthy.

- What is it? - No, no! I'm unworthy. Unworthy.

But what is it?

If I might be bold enough ... I have a fine room for you at my house,

light and cosy.

But no, no, I feel this is too great an honour ...

Don't be offended. Upon my word, I made the offer out of the simplicity of my heart.

On the contrary, I accept your invitation with pleasure.

I'm only too delighted. And how happy my wife will be.

It's my character, you know. I've always been hospitable from my very childhood,

especially when my guest is a distinguished person.

Don't think I say this out of flattery.

No, I haven't that vice. I only speak from the fullness of my heart.

I humbly thank you.

I myself hate double-faced people.

I really like your candor and kind-heartedness.

Would you care to inspect now some institutions of our town?

- Like the charity wards, and others? - What for?

Well, to see how they're run ... the order in which we keep them.

With great pleasure, I'm ready.

Then, if you wish, the fortress and town jail.

To see how our criminals are kept.

But why the jail? It's better we look at the charity institutions.

As you wish.

Do you wish to ride in your own carriage, or with me in the cab?

I'd rather take the cab with you.

May I take the liberty of writing a line to my wife ...

to tell her to prepare everything to receive our honored guest?

Why go to so much trouble?

However, there is the ink. I don't know whether there is any paper.

- Would the bill do? - Yes, that'll do.

We'll see how things go after lunch and several fat-bellied bottles.

We have some Russian Madeira, not much to look at, but it will knock an elephant off its legs.

If I only knew what he is ...

and to what extent I have to be on my guard.

Have you hurt yourself?

Nothing, nothing, sir,

just a little bruise on the nose.

It's nothing. Now, if you please, sir, we'll go.

Couldn't you find some other place to fall in?

And stretched out like the devil knows what.

My dear! Have the suitcase taken over to me, to the governor.

You just tell them.

If you please, the bill!

We can't be bothered now.

Get out! Please! Please!

Listen! You run along and deliver two letters.

One to Zemlianika's charity wards, another to my wife.

There now! We've been waiting a whole hour.

All on account of your silly coquettishness.

You were completely dressed, but no, you have to keep on dawdling.

Mamma! Mamma! Someone's coming!

There, down the street!

Where? Just your imagination again!

Why, yes, someone is coming. I wonder who it is.

It's Dobchinsky, mamma.

Dobchinsky! Your imagination again!

It is not Dobchinsky at all.

It is Dobchinsky, mamma!

Of course, you must contradict me. I tell you, it's not Dobchinsky.

Well, mamma? Isn't it Dobchinsky?

Yes, Dobchisnky, I can see now. Why do you argue about it?

Well, what is it? Well, tell me! What's going on there?

Anton Antonovich sends you a note.

Who is he? A general?

No, not a general, but every bit as good as a general.

Such culture! Such dignified manners!

- And what is he? Brunette or blonde? - Neither. More like chestnut.

Oh well, let's see what he writes.

"I hasten to inform you, my dear, that my condition was very uncomfortable,

"but trusting on the mercy of God, two pickled cucumbers, half a portion of caviar, one ruble and 25 kopecks ..."

I don't understand...

What have pickles and caviar got to do with it?

Oh, Anton Antonovich hurriedly wrote on a piece of scrap paper.

There's a kind of bill written on it.

I see, that's it.

"But trusting in the mercy of God, it seems it will all turn out well in the end.

"Get a room ready as soon as possible for a distiguished guest.

Order a bit more wine. I kiss your hand: Anton Skvoznik-Dmuhanovsky..."

Oh my God! I must hurry!

- Mishka! - Mishka! Mishka!

Run over to the merchant Abdulin...

Wait, I'll write a note.

Well, I'm going now, Anna Andreyevna, to see how he does the inspecting.

Go, go! I'm not keeping you.

Mishka!

Go!

Excellent institutions. I like the way you show strangers everything in your town.

In other towns they didn't show me a thing.

In other towns, I venture to observe, the authorities and officials look out for themselves more.

Here, I may say, we have no other thought than to win the Government's esteem through good order, vigilance, and efficiency.

The lunch was excellent!

I'm completely stuffed. Do you set such a fine table every day?

In honor of so agreeable a guest we do.

I love to eat well. That's what a man lives for: to pluck the flowers of pleasure.

- What was that fish called? - Labardan, sir.

Very tasty. And where was it we had our lunch? At the hospital, wasn't it?

- That's right, sir. - I remember, there were beds.

The patients must have gotten well. There weren't many of them.

A dozen left, no more. All the others recovered.

The place is so well run, there is such perfect order.

It may seem incredible to you, but ever since I've taken over the management, they all recover like flies.

No sooner does a patient enter the hospital than he feels better.

And we obtain this result not so much by medication as by honesty and orderliness.

Well, Masha, we now must attend to your toilette.

He's a swell from the capital and God forbid that he should make fun of us.

You wear your blue dress with the tiny ruffles.

The idea, mamma! The blue dress! I can't bear it.

Madame Lyapkin-Tyapkin wears blue, and so does Zemlianika's daughter.

I'd rather wear my flowered dress.

You flowered dress?

Of course you would, just to spite me.

You'll look much better in blue because I'm going to wear my fawn-coloured dress.

I love fawn colour!

Oh, mother, fawn doesn't suit you at all!

- Fawn doesn't suit me? - Not a bit.

I'm positive it doesn't. One's eyes must be quite dark to go with fawn-colour.

That's right! And aren't my eyes dark?

They're as dark as can be.

How can they be anything but dark when I always draw the queen of clubs.

Why, mamma, you always were the queen of hearts!

Nonsense! Perfect nonsense!

I never was the queen of hearts.

Queen of hearts indeed!

Allow me to introduce my family, my wife and daughter.

I am happy, Madame, to have the pleasure of meeting you.

Our pleasure in meeting so distinguished a person is even greater.

Pardon me, Madame, on the contrary, my pleasure is the greater.

Impossible! You condescend to say it just as a compliment.

Won't you please sit down?

Just to stand near you is bliss.

But if you insist, I'll sit down.

How happy I am, Madame, to be finally at your side.

I beg your pardon, but I dare not take seriously all the nice things you're saying to me.

I suppose you must have found travelling very unpleasant after living in the capital.

Extremely unpleasant.

I am used to, comprenez-vous, to life in the fashionable world, and suddenly to find myself on the road,

in dirty inns with dark rooms and rude people ...

I confess that if it were not for this chance which compensates me for everything ...

It must really have been extremely unpleasant for you.

But at this moment I find it exceedingly pleasant.

How can you say that, sir! I cannot believe it. I don't deserve this honour.

Why don't you deserve it? You do deserve it, Madame.

I live in the provinces ...

Ah yes, the provinces!

And yet, the provinces too have their charms, hills, brooks ...

Of course it's not to be compared with St. Petersburg.

Ah, St. Petersburg! What a life, to be sure!

Maybe you think I am only a office clerk.

No, I am on a friendly terms with the head of our department.

He slaps me on the back. "Come, my friend," he says, "and have lunch with me."

I just drop in the office for a couple of minutes to say this is to be done so, and that is to be done that way.

But there's another scribbling clerk,

a sort of... a sort of rat,

takes his pen ... goes trrr... scribbling.

They even wanted to make me a college assessor, but I say to myself, "What do I want it for?"

And the office boy runs after me on the stairs with the shoe brush.

"Ivan Alexandrovich, allow me to shine your boots," he says.

Why are you standing, gentlemen? Please sit down.

- People of our rank can very well stand. - We don't mind standing, no trouble at all.

No formalities, please sit down.

I don't like ceremonies.

On the contrary, I always try to slip by unobserved.

But nothing doing!

I no sooner show myself in a place than they say, "There goes Ivan Alexandrovich!"

Once I was even taken for the commander-in-chief.

The soldiers rushed out of the guard-house and saluted.

Afterwards an officer, an intimate acquaintance of mine, said to me:

"Why, old chap, we were completely fooled and took you for the commander ...."

"for the commander ..."

"for the commander-in-chief."

Well, I declare!

I know some pretty actresses too.

I've written a number of vaudevilles, you know.

I frequently meet literary men. I am on friendly terms with Pushkin.

I often say to him: "Well, Pushkin, old boy, how goes it?"

"So so, little brother," he usually replies.

That's it!

He's a great original.

So you write too? How thrilling it must be to be an author!

- You write for the magazines also, I suppose? - Yes, for the magazines too.

I've written many works: "The Marriage of Figaro," "Robert le diable", "Norma".

I don't remember all the names.

I hadn't meant to write, but a theatrical manager said,

"Won't you please write something for us, my friend."

And I thought to myself: "Well, why not, just to please a friend!"

So I wrote it all in one evening, surprised everybody.

I have an extraordinary imagination.

All that has been written under the name of Baron Brambeus,

"The Frigate of Hope," "The Moscow Telegraph"...

all that was written by me.

What! So you are Brambeus?

Why, yes. And I revise and whip all their articles into shape.

Smirdin gives me 40.000 for it.

I suppose, then, that you've also written "Yuri Miloslavsky"?

- Yes, it's my work. - I guessed at once.

But, mamma, it says that it's by Mr. Zagoskin.

There! I knew you'd be contradicting even here.

It's true. That was by Zagoskin.

But there's another "Yuri Miloslavsky" which was written by me.

That's right. I read yours. It's charming.

I admit I live by literature.

I keep the first house in St. Petersburg.

It's well known as the house of Ivan Alexandrovich.

If any of you should come to St. Petersburg, do please call to see me.

I give balls too, you know.

I can imagine the taste and magnificence of those balls.

Immense! For instance, watermelon will be served costing 700 rubles.

The soup comes in the tureen straight from Paris by steamer.

When the lid is raised, the aroma of the steam is like out of this world.

I'm every night at a ball. I'm a member of a circle, we have our game of whist,

the Minister of Foreign Affairs, the French Ambassador,

the German Envoy the British Ambassador and me.

We play so hard, we kill ourselves over the cards.

After it's over I'm so tired I run home up the stairs to the fourth floor and tell the cook,

"Here, Mavrushka, take my coat..."

But what am I saying!

I forgot that I live on the first floor.

My staircase alone is worth a fortune ...

My antechamber in the morning before I get up is an interesting spectacle indeed ...

Counts and princes...

jostling each other and humming like bees. All you hear is buzzzzzz

And sometimes the Minister... brrrrrr ...

Even my mail comes addressed to "His Excellency."

And once, gentlemen, I even had charge of a department.

A strange thing happened. The head of the department went off, disappeared, no one knew where.

Of course there was a lot of talk about how the place would be filled, who would fill it, and that sort of thing.

There were ever so many generals hunting for the job, and they tried,

but they couldn't cope with it. It's too hard!

Just on the surface it looks easy enough; but when you come to examine it closely, it's the devil of a job.

When they saw they couldn't cope, they came to me.

In an instant the streets were packed with couriers, nothing but couriers and couriers-

Can you imagine, ladies and gentlemen, 35.000 of them!

Pray, picture the situation to yourself!

"Ivan Alexandrovich, do come and accept the directorship of the department."

I admit I was a little embarrassed. I came out in my dressing-gown.

I wanted to refuse, but I then thought ...

it might reach the Czar's ears, and, besides, my official record ...

"Very well, gentlemen," I said, "I'll accept the position,

"I'll accept. So be it."

But mind," I said, "na-na-na,

"Look sharp!" is the word with me, "Look sharp!"

And so it was. When I went through the offices of my department,

it was a regular earthquake. Everyone trembled and shook like a leaf.

Oh, I don't like to joke. I got all of them thoroughly scared, I tell you.

Even the Imperial Council is afraid of me.

And really, that's the sort of man I am.

I don't spare anybody. I say to all:

"I know myself, myself." I am everywhere, everywhere!

I'm received at Court daily.

Tomorrow they are goint to make me a field-marshall ...

your Ex... Ex... Ex...

What is it?

your Ex... Ex... Ex...

I can't understand a thing from your babblings.

Your Ex ... Excellency, wouldn't you like to rest a bit?

Nonsense! Rest?

Very well, I'll rest.

Your lunch, gentlemen, was fine. I am satisfied. I am satisfied.

Labardan! Labardan!

There's a man for you, Peter Ivanovich.

What do you think is his rank?

I think he's almost general.

And I think a general isn't worth the sole of his boots.

But if he's a general, then he must be the generalissimo himself.

Let's quickly tell Ammos Fyodorovich and Korobkin about it.

Goodbye, Anna Andreyevna.

It's just terrible. And you don't know why.

Suppose after he wakes up from his nap he sends a report about us to St. Petersburg.

- Oh, how charming he is! - A perfect dear!

Such refined manners.

You can see at once he's from the capital.

How he carries himself, and all that sort of thing!

Exquisite! I'm just crazy for young men like him.

I am in ecstasies - beside myself.

He liked me very much though.

I noticed he kept looking at me all the time.

Oh, mamma, he looked at me!

No more nonsense please. It's out of place now.

But really, mamma, he did look at me.

For God's sake, don't argue! What would he be looking at you for?

Tell me, why would he look at you?

But he kept looking at me.

He looked at me when he began to speak about literature ...

and when he told about how he played whist with the ambassadors,

then looked at me too.

Well, maybe he looked at you once or twice ...

and might have said to himself, "Oh well, I'll give her a look."

Shsh!

What is it?

I wish I hadn't given him so much to drink.

Suppose even half of what he said is true?

How can it not be true? A drunken man always speeks frankly.

What's in his heart is on his tongue.

Of course he fibbed a little.

No talking is possible without some lying.

He plays cards with the ministers and he's received at court.

And I didn't feel the least bit afraid.

I simply saw a high-toned, cultured man of the world,

and I didn't care about his rank.

Oh well, you women! Shsh ...

Just say the word "women" and enough's said.

Everything is froth and bubble to you.

Anton! Anton...

Mishka! Call the sergeant!

They're here somewhere near the gate.

So? My friend, are you well fed?

I am. I humbly thank you.

Well fed.

Osip darling, how cute your master is!

- And how is he, tell me, please, Osip... - Stop it please!

You just interfere with your silly talk.

- Well, my friend, how ... ? - And what rank has your master?

Rank? Why, the usual ...

Oh my God!

For God's sake, your stupid questions keep a person from getting down to business.

Well, my friend? Is he strict?

Does he rag and bully a fellow?

Yes, he likes order.

He insists on things being just so.

Listen, Osip, does your master wear the uniform in town?

Enough of your tattle now, really.

This is a serious matter, a matter of life and death.

Yes, friend, I like you very much.

When a man's on the road, an extra glass of tea is welcome.

It is rather chilly now.

So here's two rubles for tea.

Much obliged, sir.

May God grant you all good health!

Come to me, Osip, and I'll give you some, too.

Osip, darling, kiss your master for me.

- Go now, it's enough. - Well, let's go, Mashenka.

I'll tell you something about our guest I noticed today that...

that I can't tell you unless we're alone.

Tell me, friend ... Shsh!

Shsh... Clumsy bears! Knocking your boots!

Bump, bump as if a 40 pud were being unloaded from a wagon.

Where in the devil have you been knocking about?

- I had your orders ... - Shsh!

Like a bull bellowing!

"I had your orders!"

Makes a noise like an empty barrel.

Go, friend, and get everything ready for your master.

All that's in the house, take it.

And you two, you stand by the porch and don't you dare move!

And don't let anyone into the house, especially no merchants!

If you let a single one in, I'll ...

The instant you see anybody with a petition,

or even without a petition, if a man looks as if he wanted to hand in a petition against me,

take him by the neck, give him a good kick, and throw him out.

Do you hear?

Shsh!

I think I had a fine snooze.

Where did they get those mattresses and feather beds from? I even sweated.

At the lunch yesterday they must have slipped something into me that knocked me out.

I still feel a pounding in my head.

The Governor's daughter is not bad at all,

and the mother is also a woman you can still ...

I don't know, but I do like this sort of life.

Ammos Fiodorovich, I think we ought to do something about it.

- Do what? - It's clear what.

- Grease him? - Exactly, grease him.

It's risky, damn it. He'll fly into a rage at us. He's a government official, you know.

Perhaps it should be given to him in the form of a gift from the nobility for some sort of memorial?

Or, perhaps, tell him some money has been sent here by mail and we don't know for whom?

You had better look out that he doesn't send YOU by mail to some faraway place.

Well, you food, you see how they receive and treat us here.

Yes, thank God! But do you know what, Ivan Aleksandrovich?

What?

- Let's get away from here. - What nonsense! Why?

Just like that. God be with them. We'll gallop off smartly.

No, I'd like to stay a little longer. Let's go tomorrow.

We must present ourselves to him one at a time,

so that no other eyes will see and no other ears will hear.

That's the way things are done in a well-ordered society.

You begin, Ammos Fyoodorovich, you're first.

You'd better go first.

The distinguished guest has eaten in your institution.

Then Luka Lukich, as the enlightener of youth, should go first.

- I can't, gentlemen, thank you kindly! - Shsh...!

Ammos Fyodorovich, you've got to do it, there's no one else.

Why, every word you utter seems to be issuing from Cicero's mouth himself.

What are you talking about! Cicero! The idea!

Don't forsake us, Ammos Fiodorovich. Help us. Be our saviour.

No, Ammos Fyodorovich!

Oh God, get me safely out of this! How my knees are knocking!

I have the honor to present myself,

judge of the local District Court, Collegiate Assessor Lyapkin-Tyapkin.

Please be seated.

So you are the judge here?

I was elected by the nobility in 1816 for a 3-year term and I have served ever since.

Does it pay to be a judge?

After serving three terms, I was decorated with the order of Vladimir, 3rd class, with the government's approval.

I have the money in my hand and my hand is on fire.

I like the Vladimir.

- What have you got in your hand? - Nothing, sir.

- How so, nothing? I see some money dropped out of it. - Not at all.

Oh God, here I am already on trial!

- Yes, it's money. - It's all over. - I'm lost!

I tell you what - lend it to me.

Why, of course, of course ... with greatest pleasure.

I've run out of cash on the road, with one thing and another, you know.

I'll send it to you as soon as I get home.

Please don't mention it, sir! It is a great honor that you accept it.

Of course, by putting forth the best of my feeble powers, by my zeal and ardor for the government ...

I'll try to deserve it.

I won't dare disturb you any longer with my presence.

- You don't care to give any orders? - What orders?

I mean, would you like to give orders for the local district court?

What for? I have nothing to do with the court now.

That judge is a fine fellow.

Now the town is ours.

I like your little town.

Of course, it's not very lively. But what of it? It isn't the capital.

- Isn't it? - Quite true, quite true.

And yet you'll admit that one can live happily in a little town.

Quite so, sir.

I confess, I am glad that you agree with me.

Of course, they call me queer. But that's the kind of character I am.

And now I think I'll ask this postmaster for a loan.

A strange accident happened to me and I ran out of cash on the road.

Can you lend me 300 rubles?

Of course.

I shall esteem it a piece of great good fortune.

Quite so.

I am ready to serve you with all my heart.

Thank you very much. I must say, I hate like the devil to deny myself on the road.

- And why should I? Isn't that so? - That's right, sir.

I don't dare trouble you any longer with my presence...

Would you care to make any remarks about the post office administration?

No, nothing.

It seems the Postmaster is a fine fellow too.

I have the honor to introduce myself: School Inspector, Titular Councilor Khlopov [Flakes].

I'm glad to see you! Take a seat!

Take a seat. Would you like a cigar?

There now! That's something I hadn't anticipated.

- To take or not to take? - Take it, take it! It's a decent cigar.

It's not, of course, what you get in St. Petersburg, my dear.

There I used to smoke 25 rubles-cigars.

You feel like kissing yourself after having smoked one of them.

Light it.

Wrong end!

I see you aren't fond of cigars.

But I confess smoking is my weakness.

And the other is the female sex, I simply cannot remain indifferent.

How about you? Which do you prefer? Brunettes or blondes?

I don't dare to know.

No, don't evade! I insist to know your taste.

I humbly report ... I don't know what I'm saying.

Ah! You don't want to tell.

I suppose some brunette has put a spell on you.

Well? Admit it! Eh?

Ah! He's blushing! You see! Why don't you speak?

- I'm shy, your Hon ... Excel ... High...

Shy?

There IS something awe-inspiring in my eyes, isn't there?

At least I know not a single woman can resist them.

- Isn't that so? - That's right, sir.

A strange thing happened to me.

On the road, I ran entirely out of cash.

Can you lend me 300 rubles?

Here they are. Here they are.

Thank you very much.

I dare not disturb you any longer with my presence.

Goodbye.

Thank God! Maybe he won't inspect the schools.

I have the honor to introduce myself.

Superintendent of Charities, Court Councilor Zemlianika.

How do you do.

I had the honor of personally conducting you through the charity institutions entrusted to me.

Oh, yes! I remember. You treated me to a fine lunch.

Glad to be of service to the fatherland.

I - I admit, it's my weakness. I love good food.

Tell me, please,

it seems to me you were slightly shorter yesterday, right?

Quite possible.

I must say I don't spare myself and perform my duties with the utmost zeal.

There's the postmaster, for example, he does absolutely nothing.

Everything is in a fearful state of neglect. The mail is held up.

The Judge, too, does nothing but hunt hares,

and he keeps his dogs in the court rooms,

if I must confess - and for the benefit of the fatherland, I must confess,

though he is my relative and friend - his conduct is in the highest degree reprehensible.

Then there's a squire, named Dobchinsky.

Well, the moment Dobchinsky leaves the house,

the Judge is there with Dobchinsky's wife.

Take a good look at his children.

Not one of them resembles Dobchinsky.

All of them, even the little girl, are the spitting image of the Judge.

You don't say!

I never imagined!

Peter Ivanovich! You stepped on my foot.

Then take our School Inspector...

I don't know how the government could have entrusted him with such an office.

Do you wish me to put it all down on paper?

Very well, on paper. I should like it very much.

I like to kill the boring hours reading something amusing, you know.

- What's your name? I keep forgetting. - Zemlianika.

Oh, yes! "Strawberries."

Tell me, do you have any children?

Of course. Five! Two are grown up already.

You don't say! Grown up! And how are they?...

Are they ... ?

You mean, you deign to ask what their names are?

Yes, yes! What are their names?

Nicholai, Ivan, Yelizaveta, Marya and Perepetuya.

This is superb!

I don't dare disturb you with my presence any longer,

and deprive you of your time dedicated to the performance of your sacred duties.

Don't mention it. What you told me is all very funny.

I loved it.

Hey, you!

I say, you there! I keep forgetting, what's your name and patronymic?

- Artemy Filipovich. - Do me a favor, Artemy!

A curious accident happened to me on the road. I've run entirely out of cash.

Have you 400 rubles to lend me?

- Here it is. - I say, that comes in handy.

I humbly thank you.

I have the honor to present myself: A resident of this town, Peter, son of Ivan Bobchinsky.

I am Peter, the son of the squire Ivan Dobchinsky.

- Didn't you bring any money? - Money? What money?

A loan. 1000 rubles.

Not that much, by God, no. Have you any, Peter Ivanovich?

- I haven't got it with me. - Well, if not 1000, then 100.

Peter Ivanovich, you do have 100 rubles? I've only got 40.

And I've only got 25.

Look harder, Peter Ivanovich!

I know you have a hole in your pocket, and the money must have slipped down somehow.

- No, really, no hole. - Well, never mind.

Let's make it 65. I only mentioned the matter.

May I venture to ask a favour, concerning a very delicate matter?

My oldest son, I beg to inform you, was born before I was married.

- Indeed? - That is, only a sort of,

he really is my son, just as if he had been born in wedlock.

I made up everything afterwards, set everything right, with the bonds of matrimony.

So I, you see...

I should like him to be altogether my legitimate son and be called Dobchinsky the same as I, sir.

That's all right. Let him be called Dobchinsky, it can be done.

All right, I'll do it for you. I'll speak to ... it'll all be done. Yes, yes.

I beg you, when you get back to St. Petersburg,

please tell all the high personages there, the senators and the admirals,

beg the Highnesses or Excellencies most worshipfully,

tell them: "In this town there lives Piotr Ivanovich Bobchinsky."

Very well.

And if you should happen to speak to the Czar, then tell him, too:

"Your Majesty," tell him,

"in this town lives Piotr Ivanovich Bobchinsky."

Very well.

Pardon me for having troubled you with my presence.

They seem to take me for a government official.

To be sure, I threw dust in their eyes yesterday.

What a bunch of fools!

I'll write all about it to Triapichkin in St. Petersburg.

He'll write them up in the magazines. Let him give them a nice walloping.

Hey, Osip, get me paper and ink!

Anybody gets caught in Triapichkin's pen had better look out.

For the sake of a witticism he wouldn't spare his own father.

It's a nice trait of their's to lend me money. Let me see how much it all mounts up to.

Here's the 300 from the judge!

The 300 from the postmaster!

600, 700, 800, 900 ...

What a greasy bill!

Wow! Rolls up to more than a thousand ...

Come on, Captain! I'm ready for another game!

Let's see who wins!

'pon my word, let's leave, Ivan Aleksandrovich.

You see, they've taken you for somebody else, honest.

And your father will be angry because you dilly-dallied so long.

We'd gallop off so smartly!

They'd give us first-class horses here.

All right. But first take this letter to the postoffice,

and, if you like, order post horses at the same time.

Yes, but see to it that the horses are good!

Then the coachman, I'll give him a tip of one ruble,

that he should drive like a courier.

I bet Triapichkin will die laughing.

I wonder where he lives now, on Pochtamtskaya or Grokhovaya Street.

He likes to move often, too, to get out of paying rent.

I'll make a guess and send it to Pochtamtskaya Street.

Take it.

I'll send the letter off by the man here.

I'd rather pack in the meantime, not to lose any time.

What's going on out there, Osip? See what the noise is about.

There are some merchants who want to come in, and the sergeant won't let them.

They are waving papers. I suppose they want to see you.

We appeal for your protection. Give orders, Your Lordship, that our petitions be received.

"To his most Honorable Illustrious Financial Excellency, from the merchant Abdulin..."

The devil knows what this is! There's no such title.

Let them in!

- Your Grace, we beseech your favour. - We beat our brows in abjection.

Do not ruin us, Your Worship. We suffer insult and wrong wholly without cause.

And from whom?

Why, from the governor here. No words can describe the injuries he inflicts upon us.

Upon my word, if we had shown him any disrespect, but we obey all the laws and regulations.

We don't mind giving him what his wife and daughter need for their clothes, but no, that's not enough.

- So help me God! - He comes to our shop and takes whatever his eyes fall on.

He sees a piece of cloth and says, "Oh, my friends, that's a fine piece of goods. Take it to my house."

- I'm telling you! - I'm telling you!

So we take it to his house. It will be almost 50 yards.

Is it possible? My, what a crook!

So help us God! We never had such governor before.

His name day is St. Anthony's, we bring him everything there is in the world on that day,

but no, you must give him more. He says St. Onufry's is also his name day.

What's to be done? You give in.

Why, he's a plain robber.

Yes, indeed! And try to contradict him, and he'll fill your house with a whole regiment of soldiers.

And if you say anything, he orders the doors closed.

"I love you", he says, "I won't inflict corporal punishment, or torture or the rack!"

"That's forbidden by law," he says. "But I'll make you swallow salt herring, my good man."

And won't let you drink!"

What a crook! But for such things a man can be sent to Siberia.

It doesn't matter where Your Grace are pleased to send him.

Only the farthest away from here the better.

Father, don't scorn to accept our bread and salt. We pay our respects to you with sugar and a basket of wine.

No, no. Don't think of it. I don't take bribes at all.

Now if, for example, you suggested to me a loan of 300 rubles,

that's quite different. I am willing to accept a loan.

If it pleases you, father!

But what is 300? Better take 500. Only help us.

Very well. About a loan I won't say a word. I'll take it.

Please take the tray, too.

Very well. I can take the tray, too.

Then take the sugar with it.

Oh, no. I don't take bribes.

Your Excellency! Why not take the sugar?

Take it. Everything will come in handy on the road.

Give me a hand!

Bring it all! That's it! Everything from the stores.

What have you got there? String? Bring me the string!

We might as well put our necks in a noose.

Positively, positively. I shall exert my efforts on your behalf.

We beseech Your Grace, father. Give orders, Your Lordship, for us to be heard.

Who are you, woman?

The wife of the locksmith, Fevronya Petrova Poshliopkina.

Stop! One at a time. What do you want?

I beg Your Grace. I beseech your aid against the governor.

May God send all evil upon him.

May neither he nor his children nor his uncles nor his aunts ever prosper in any of their undertakings.

What's the matter?

He ordered my husband to shave his forehead as a soldier,

and our turn hadn't come, and it is against the law,

my husband being a married man.

How could he do it, then?

He did it, he did it, the blackguard! May God smite him both in this world and the next.

The son of the tailor should have been levied. And he is a drunkard, too.

But his parents gave him a rich present,

so he fastened on the son of the tradeswoman, Panteleyeva.

And Panteleyeva also sent his wife three pieces of cloth.

So then he comes to me!

"What do you want your husband for?" he says. "He isn't any good to you any more."

It's for me to know whether he is any good or not. That's my business. The old cheat!

How can I do without a husband? I am not a strong woman. The skunk!

May none of his kith and kin ever see the light of God.

And if he has a mother-in-law, may she, too ...

All right, all right. Well, and you?

I have come to complain against the governor, father.

What is it? What for? Be brief.

He flogged me, father.

How so?

By mistake, my father. Our women got into a squabble in the market,

and when the police came, it was all over, and they took me and reported me - I couldn't sit down for two days.

But what's to be done now?

There's nothing to be done, of course. But if you please, order him to pay a fine for the mistake.

I can't undo my luck. But the money would be very useful to me now.

All right, all right. Go now, go.

I'll see to it.

Oh!

What frightened you so, Mademoiselle?

I wasn't frightened.

Please, miss.

It's a great pleasure to me that you took me for a man who...

Dare I be so bold, Mademoiselle, to offer you a chair?

But no, you shouldn't have a chair, but a throne.

I really don't know ... I really must go.

What a beautiful scarf that is.

You are making fun of me. You're only ridiculing the provincials.

Oh, Mademoiselle, how I long to be your scarf, so that I might embrace your lily neck.

I haven't the least idea what you are talking about - a scarf?

Peculiar weather today, isn't it?

Your lips, Mademoiselle, are better than any weather.

You are just saying that ...

I should like to ask you .... I'd rather you would write some verses in my album for a souvenir.

You must know plenty.

Anything you desire, mademoiselle. Ask! What verses will you have?

Any at all. Pretty, new verses.

Oh, what are verses! I know a lot of them.

Well, tell me. What verses will you write for me?

I have lots of them - of every sort. If you like, for example, I'll give you this:

"Oh, thou, mortal man, who in thy anguish murmurest against God ..."

Well, and others...

I can't remember them now. Besides, it's all bosh.

I'd rather offer you my love instead, which ever since your first glance ...

Love!

I don't understand love. I never knew what love is.

Why do you move your chair away?

It is nicer for us to sit near each other.

Why near? It's all the same if it's far away.

Why far? It's all the same if it's near.

But what for?

It only seems near to you. Imagine it's far.

How happy I would be, Mademoiselle, if I could clasp you in my embrace.

What is that? It looked as if something had flown by. Was it a magpie or some other bird?

It's a magpie.

No, that's too much! Such rudeness, such impertinence!

Forgive me, Mademoiselle. I did it only out of love, only out of love, nothing else.

Marya Antonovna, don't be angry!

I'm ready to beg your forgiveness on my knees.

Forgive me, do forgive me! You see, I'm on my knees.

Oh, what a situation!

Damn it!

What does this mean? What does this behavior mean?

I, mother...

Leave this room! Do you hear! Leave this room!

And don't you dare to show your face to me.

She's very appetizing, too. She's not bad-looking, either.

Excuse me. I must say I'm greatly astonished.

Madame, you see, I am burning with love.

What! You on your knees? Please get up, please get up. This floor isn't very clean.

No, I must be on my knees, definitely on my knees!

I want to know the verdict: life or death?

But please - I don't quite understand the meaning of your words.

If I am not mistaken, you are about to make a declaration, regarding my daughter.

No, I'm in love with you. My life hangs by a thread.

If you won't return my ardent love, I am not worthy of earthly existence.

With a burning flame in my bosom, I ask for your hand.

But please let me remind you that I am somehow ... married already.

That's nothing. Love knows no distinction.

It was Karamzin who said: "The laws condemn."

We will flee to a shadowy brook. Your hand! I pray for your hand!

Mamma!

Oh, what a situation!

Why did you come in here? What for? What sort of flightiness is this?

Breaks in here like some crazy cat. Well, what have you found so amazing?

Mamma, I really didn't know ...

There's always a breeze blowing through your head.

You're starting to act like Liapkin-Tiapkin's daughters.

Why should you imitate them? You shouldn't imitate them.

You have other examples to follow. You have your mother before you.

She's the example to follow.

Anna Andreyevna, don't oppose our happiness.

Give your blessing to our constant love.

So it's she you are in ...

Your Excellency!

Your Excellency! Don't ruin me, don't ruin me!

What is it?

The merchants have complained to Your Excellency.

I assure you on my honor that not one half of what they said is true.

The sergeant's widow lied to you when she said I flogged her.

She lied, by God, she lied. She flogged herself.

Do you know what honor Ivan Alexandrovich is bestowing upon us?

He is asking for our daughter's hand in marriage.

What are you talking about? Mother has lost her wits.

Please don't be angry, Your Excellency,

she has a touch of insanity. Her mother was like that, too.

I am really asking for your daughter's hand. I'm in love with her.

I cannot believe it, you deign to joke, Your Excellency!

What a blockhead! Since we're telling you over and over again!

I can't believe it.

Give her to me! I'm a desperate man and I may do anything.

If I shoot myself, you'll have a law-suit on your hands.

Oh, my God! I'm not guilty either in thought or action.

Please don't be angry. Be pleased to act as your mercy wills.

Really, my head is in such a state I don't know what's happening.

I've turned into a worse fool than I've ever been in my life.

Well, give your blessing.

Oy!

God bless you!

But I'm not to blame.

What the devil! It's really so.

They are kissing. Oh, heavens! They are kissing. Actually he's to be our son-in-law!

Ho, Anton! Ho, Anton! Ho, Governor! So that's the turn events have taken!

The horses are ready.

- All right. I'll come presently. - What's that? Are you leaving?

Yes, I'm leaving.

Then when ... that is ... I thought you were pleased to hint at a wedding.

Oh ... for one minute only ... for one day ... to my uncle, a rich old man.

I'll be back tomorrow.

We would not venture, of course, to hold you back, and we hope for your safe return.

Of course, of course, I'll come back at once.

Farewell, my love...

I simply can't express my feelings. Goodbye, my heart.

Farewell, Anton Antonovich. I'm very much obliged to you for your hospitality.

I admit with all my heart that I've never got such a good reception anywhere.

Farewell, Anna Andreyevna.

Farewell, my darling Marya Antonovna.

When shall we expect you back?

Tomorrow or the day after.

Farewell, Ivan Alexandrovich!

Farewell, mother!

Farewell, Your Excellency!

Well, Anna Andreyevna? Did you ever imagine such a thing?

Such a rich prize? I'll be ...

Well, confess frankly, it never occurred to you even in your dreams, did it?

From just a simple governor's wife suddenly - whew! - I'll be hanged!

to marry into the family of such a big shot.

Not at all. I knew it long ago.

It seems wonderful to you because you're such a simpleton.

You've never met decent people.

I'm a decent person myself, mother.

But, really, think, Anna Andreyevna,

what gay birds we have turned into now, you and I. Wow!

High-fliers, dammit!

Wait now...

I'll give those fellows a peppering who were so eager to present their petitions and denunciations.

Hey, who's there?

Ah, it's you, Ivan Karpovich!

Call those merchants here, brother, won't you? I'll give it to them, the scoundrels!

To make such complaints against me! Just you wait, my dear fellows.

Make a list of all who came to protest against me,

especially the mean petty scribblers who cooked the petitions up for them.

So how is it going to be, Anna Andreyevna?

What shall we do now? Where shall we live? Here or in Peter?

Naturally, in St. Petersburg. How could we stay here!

Well, if Peter, then Peter. But it would be good here, too.

I suppose my governorship could go to the devil, eh, Anna Andreyevna?

Of course. What's a governorship?

Don't you think I can rise to a high rank now, Anna Andreyevna,

since he's on intimate terms with all the Ministers and is received at court.

In time I might be promoted to a generalship.

What do you think, Anna Andreyevna? Can I become a general?

I should say so. Of course you can.

The devil take it, it's nice to be a general.

Because when you go travelling, there are always couriers and aides on ahead shouting for "Horses"!

And at the stations they refuse to give the horses to others.

They all wait.

They all wait, all those titular councilors, captains, governors,

and you don't take the slightest notice of them.

You dine somewhere with the governor-general.

And the mayor of the city - I'll keep him waiting at the door.

That's what's so alluring, confound it!

How do you do, my fine fellows?

We wish you health, father.

My dear friends, how are you?

How are your goods selling?

So you complained against me, you tea kettles, you scurvy hucksters?

Complain, against me? You crooks, you pirates!

Complain?

Did you gain a lot by it, eh?

So that's it!

You thought you'd land me in prison?

You know...

May seven devils and one she-devil take you!

Good heavens, Antosha, what words you use!

Oh, it isn't a matter of words now.

Do you know that the very official to whom you complained ...

is going to marry my daughter?

Well, what do you say to that?

Now I'll make you smart.

You cheat the people,

and you cheat the government of 100.000, supplying it with rotten cloth,

and when you give 20 yards away gratis, you expect a reward.

If they knew, they would send you to ...

Complaining, eh?

And who helped you with that grafting...

when you built a bridge and charged 20.000 for wood ...

when there wasn't even 100 rubles' worth used?

I helped you, goat beard!

Have you forgotten?

If I had informed on you, I could have despatched you to Siberia.

What do you say to that?

I'm guilty before God, Anton Antonovich. The evil spirit tempted me.

- Don't ruin us! - Don't destroy us, Anton Antonovich!

Now you say, don't ruin us!

And what did you say before? I could have you ...

Well, God forgive you. Enough.

I don't harbor rancor for long.

Only look out now. Be on your guard.

Let your engagement congratulations be ... you understand?

Well, leave now. In God's name!

And you, announce to everybody ...

what honor the Heavens have bestowed upon the governor,

that he is marrying his daughter, not to a plain ordinary man,

but to one the like of whom has never yet been seen in the world,

who can do everything, everything, everything, everything!

Proclaim it to all so that everybody should know.

Shout it aloud to the whole world! Ring the bell, the devil take it!

It is a triumph, and we will make it a triumph!

Are we to believe the rumors, Anton Antonovich?

That you plucked a devilish piece of good luck?

I was glad from the bottom of my heart when I heard it.

I congratulate you, Anton Antonovich. May God give you and the new couple long life.

And may He grant you numerous progeny!

- Anna Andreyevna! - Marya Antonovna!

Thank you, thank you!

Your health, Your Excellency!

- 100 years and a sack of ducats! - May you go to hell!

The devil take you!

Thank you very much! And I wish you the same!

St. Petersburg?

Pochtamtskaya street?

We are now going to live in St. Petersburg.

I must say, the atmosphere here is too village-like.

I must say, it's extremely unpleasant.

My husband, too - he'll be made a general there.

Yes, confound it, gentlemen, I admit I should very much like to be a general.

May God grant you a generalship.

Great cruising for a big boat.

High merits, high honors.

A generalship suits him as a saddle suits a cow.

I shall insist upon our house being the first in the capital!

And my room having so much amber in it that when you come in you have to shut your eyes.

Oh, how nice!

Don't forget us then, Anton Antonovich.

And if anything happens, for instance, some difficulty in our affairs,

don't refuse us your protection.

Next year I'm going to take my son to the capital to place him in government service.

Be so kind and give me your protection.

Be a father to the orphan.

I am ready for my part, ready to exert my efforts on your behalf.

Antosha, you are always too liberal with your promises.

In the first place, you won't have time to think of such things.

And how can you burden yourself with such promises?

Why not, my dear? Sometimes it's possible.

Of course it's possible sometimes. But you can't give protection to every small potato.

Did you hear the way she speaks of us?

She's always been that way. I know her.

Seat her at table and she'll put her feet on it.

By God! The official whom we took to be an inspector-general is not an inspector-general.

How so? Not an inspector-general?

No, not a bit of it. I found it out from the letter.

What letter?

Of his own writing!

They bring a letter to the postoffice,

I glance at the address and I see Pochtamtskaya Street. I was struck dumb.

"Well," I think, "suppose he found something wrong in the postoffice department and is informing the government."

So I unsealed it.

But how did you dare to open it? The letter of so powerful a personage?

But that's just the point- he's neither powerful nor a personage.

Then what is he in your opinion?

He's neither one thing nor another. The devil knows what he is.

How neither one thing nor another?

How do you dare to call him neither one thing nor another? And the devil knows what besides?

I'll put you under arrest.

- Who? You? - Yes, I!

You haven't the power.

Do you know that he's going to marry my daughter?

That I myself am going to be a high official and will have the power to exile you to Siberia?

Oh, Anton Antonovich, Siberia?

Siberia is far away. I'd rather read the letter to you.

Ladies and Gentlemen! Let me read the letter!

Read, read!

I hasten to inform you, my dear Tryapichkin, what wonderful things have happened to me.

On the way here an infantry captain did me out of my last penny,

so that the innkeeper here already wanted to send me to jail,

when suddenly, thanks to my St. Petersburg appearance and dress,

the whole town took me for a Governor-General.

Now I'm staying at the governor's house. I'm having a grand time

and I am flirting recklessly with his wife and daughter.< i>

I only haven't decided whom to begin with.

I think with the mother first, because she seems ready to accept all terms.< i>

Remember how hard up we were, taking our meals wherever we could without paying for them,

and how once the pastry cook grabbed me by the collar for having charged pies that I ate to the king of England?

Now it's quite different. They lend me all the money I want.

They are an awful lot of originals. You would split your sides laughing.

I know you write for the magazines. Put them in your articles.

First, the governor - as stupid as a gray gelding..."

Impossible! That can't be in the letter.

Read for yourself.

"As a gray gelding!"

- Impossible! You wrote it yourself. - How could I write it?

- Read! - Read!

"the governor - as stupid as a gray gelding..."

Oh, the devil! He's got to read it again. As if reading it once weren't enough.

"as a gray gelding!"< i>

"the Postmaster, too...is priceless..."< i>

Well, here he's saying something improper about me, too.

- Go on, read it! - What for?

The deuce take it! Once we have begun to read it, we must read it all.

If you will allow me, I will read it.

"The Postmaster is just like the porter Mikheyev in our office,

and the scoundrel must drink just as hard."

A bad boy! He ought to be given a whipping.

"The superintendant of chari ... ti ...ti

- Why do you stop? - The handwriting isn't clear ...

Besides, it's obvious he's a blackguard.

Give it to me. I believe my eyesight is better.

No. This part can be omitted. After that, it becomes legible.

Give him the letter, Artemy Filippovich, give it to him.

You read from here.

Read, read! Read it all!

"The superintendant of the charities, Zemlianika

is a regular pig with a cap."

Not a bit witty. A pig with a cap! Have you ever seen a pig wear a cap?

"The School Inspector reeks of onions."

Upon my word, I never put an onion to my mouth.

Thank God, there's nothing about me in it.

"The judge..."< i>

Here we go!

Ladies and gentlemen, I think the letter is far too long.

To the devil with it! Why should we read such trash?

- No. - No read on!

No, no, read on!

"Judge Lyapkin-Tyapkin is extremely mauvais ton..."< i>

- Must be a French word. - The devil knows what it means!

It wouldn't be so bad if all it means is "crook." But it may mean something worse.

"However, people are hospitable and kindhearted.< i>

Farewell, my dear Tryapichkin.< i>

I want to follow your example and take up literature.

It's boring to live the way I do, old boy. One wants food for the mind, after all.

Write to me in the Saratov province, village of Podkatilovka.

What an unexpected rebuke!

He has cut my throat and cut it for good.

I'm done for, completely done for.

I can't see anything.

All I see are pigs' snouts instead of faces, and nothing more.

Catch him, catch him!

Catch him! How?

As if on purpose, I told the overseer to give him the best coach and three.

The devil prompted me to give the order.

Here's a pretty mess.

Confound it, gentlemen, he borrowed 300 rubles from me.

- He borrowed 300 from me, too. - And from me, too.

And 65 from me and Piotr Ivanovich. Yes, sir!

How's that, gentlemen?

Really, how could we have been so off our guard?

How could I, how could I, old fool?

I've grown childish, like an old mule.

I have been in the service 30 years.

Not one merchant, not one contractor has been able to impose on me.

I have over-reached one swindler after another,

I have caught crooks and sharpers that were ready to rob the world.

I have fooled three governor-generals.

As for governor-generals, it's not even worth talking about them.

But how is it possible, Antosha? He's engaged to Mashenka.

Engaged! Rats! Fiddlesticks! So much for your engagement!

Thrusts that engagement at me now!

Look at me, the whole world,

all Christendom, look!

See what a fool the governor was made of!

Fool him, the fool, the old scoundrel!

Oh, you fat-nose!

To take an icicle, a piece of rag for a personage of rank!

Now his coach bells are jingling all along the road.

He will publish the story to the whole world.

Not only will you be made a laughing-stock,

but some scribbler, some ink-splasher will put you into a comedy. There's the horrid sting.

He won't spare either rank or station.

And everybody will grin and clap his hands.

What are you laughing at? You are laughing at yourself, oh you!

Hey you!...

I'll show all those ink-splashers!

You scribblers, damned liberals, devil's brood!

I would tie you all up in a bundle, I would grind you into meal, and give it to the devil.

I can't come to my senses.

It's really true, whom the gods want to punish they first make mad.

In what did that nincompoop resemble an inspector-general?

In nothing!

In nothing, not even half of his little finger.

And all of a sudden everybody exclaiming, "Inspector-general, inspector-general."

Who was the first to say it?

Answer me!

I can't explain how it happened, for the life of me.

It's just as if a mist had clouded our brains. The devil has confounded us.

Who was the first to say it? These two here, this noble pair.

- Really, I didn't! I never thought... - I said nothing, nothing at all...

- Of course you did. - Of course.

You came running like mad from the inn.

"He's come, he's come. He doesn't pay."

- Found a rare bird! - Of course it was you!

Town gossips, damned liars!

The devil take you with your inspector-general and your tattle.

- Damned bunglers! - Pot-bellied mushrooms!

- Honestly, it wasn't me, it was Peter Ivanovich. - No, Peter Ivanovich, you were the first to...

No! You were the first!

An official from St. Petersburg sent by Imperial order has arrived

and requests your presence at once.

He is stopping at the inn.

THE END

Engl. transl.: Thomas Seltzer timings and slight corrections: bornik & serdar202@KG