Original subtitles

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A swan?

What sort of a swan?

Leda?

Who is Leda?

Is she the injured woman?

Laid by whom?

By Jupiter?

Was that the cause of death?

A female swan?

How do you know it was female?

Eggs?

Egg-bound?

Was it bold?

Perhaps it was a goose.

Did it come from the zoo?

How fast does a woman decompose?

Six months. Maybe a year.

Depends on the conditions.

Does being pregnant make any difference?

No!

And the baby?

- How far gone was she? - Perhaps ten weeks.

Then, you'd never know.

I cannot stand the idea of her rotting away.

What is the first thing that happens?

The first thing that happens is bacteria set to work in the intestine.

- What sort of bacteria? - Bisocosis populi.

There is suppose to be 130.000 bisocosis

in each lick of a human tongue.

250.000 in a French kiss...

First exchange at the very beginning of creation when Adam kissed Eve.

I suppose Eve kissed Adam.

Unlikely!

She used her first 100.000 on the apple.

If the evolutionary span of life on Earth

is represented by a year of 365 days,

then man made his first appearance

on the evening of the 31st of December...

just as the daylight was fading.

It had taken some... 4.000 million years

for the entrance to be made.

A very slow, uneven progress of life forms,

changing and evolving in a long, continuous procession.

It's comparatively to the easy to comprehend

how one species gave way to another.

But perhaps more difficult to understand...

the evolutionary leap, necessary

to bridge the most sophisticated of the apes...

with man.

And more difficult, still...

to contemplate how life can create itself,

apparently, out of nothing.

The conditions for the origin of life on Earth

can never be reproduced again.

The atmosphere is now rich in oxygen,

the necessary ingredient for the respiratory life of all animals.

But in the beginning there was little or no oxygen.

There was methane, ammonia,

carbon monoxide, water,

electrical storms,

ultraviolet light,

the first carbon compounds.

On the round volcanic stones like these... an abundance of hydrogen.

These conditions were advantageous

for the formation of the first cyanophycees

or blue-green algae.

Their utilization of hydrogen in water using chlorophyll

in the process of photosynthesis

liberated oxygen in abundant quantities

to change radically the atmosphere of the Earth.

Their evolving marks a major step

towards the evolution of higher forms of life.

How are you feeling?

Short of a leg.

In the land of the legless...

the one-legged woman is queen.

It was a legless whore in Marseilles during the war...

who was very wealthy.

She seldom left her bed because she couldn't.

She got both her legs amputated at the brim.

Imagine that gentlemen... no limbs to hint the entry�

She was treated with great affection and regard�

and had a great many lovers.

She died young...

Some of her lover thought...

she might liked to be buried in a short coffin.

Others thought that the empty space should be filled with flowers.

In the end, of course, her family turned up

and they had the corpse fitted with artificial legs.

Imagine that...

the body... in all its delicious detail...

fading away...

leaving a skeleton with iron legs...

Especially, since the legs had been made for a man called Felipe Arc-en-Ciel.

You've been very thorough in your research.

I made it up.

I have now to find a Felipe Arc-en-Ciel to stop my crying...

to discover what it tastes to have your legs borrowed

by a dead woman.

How is your daughter?

Beta is fine.

She says, my leg has walked off with a Dutchman.

Morning Venus! How are the zebras?

Black and white.

Good morning Milo! What do you doing?

Just come to see if you are looking after the animals properly.

You can come and take care of me.

Where could I do that?

Back of the panda cages...

we might give them a little encouragement.

There's no bed there.

Since when have you needed a bed, Milo?

Since my back ached... just now!

I'll give you...

�5�

and 2 pounds of zebra steak.

Do the owls go hungry for your pleasure?

Not yours!

I was on that pheasant. They'll eat anything, even a lizard.

Would you rather have a lizard... or a zebra afterbirth?

Tell me Milo!

Do you think a zebra...

is a white animal with black stripes

or a black animal with white stripes?

Carry my shoes for me.

There used to be a bed in the back of the vulture cages.

You were younger then... Now you have less to bargain with.

- Now I have experience. - With animals?

All right then!

I'll give 4 pounds of cow's liver... and a drink.

Or I might have to see about your license to practise.

Ooh, you only have to have a license to start the zoo, not to stock it.

You could start a zoo, Hoyten.

But you'd have to pay me to visit you.

You can keep your free meat.

I'll take a... �10 for half an hour...

and the tail feathers of an American bold eagle.

You're making a hat?

No!

I'm writing a dirty story.

We don't have an American bold eagle.

Oh, I was forgetting, it's a black and white bird.

Then I'll settle for an introduction to Oliver and Oswald.

What do you want with them?

I could help! Their wives have died�

and I need a bath.

You can have a bath, provided I can watch.

Surprise, surprise!

That's what all the animals are here for, isn't it?

In a spoonful of pond water

there may be as many as 10.000 minor microorganisms...

In the seas there are uncountable numbers of creatures.

Myriads of simply structured organisms,

whose ancestors began to appear some... 2.000 million years ago

from among the primitive bacteria and the first algae.

Oliver, I'm sorry about your bad news.

Can the zoo help?

What are you watching?

The beginnings of life.

- Is cathartic. - What is?

Watching life begin.

- Yes? - Yes!

'Cause I know how it ends.

- How does it end? - With a swan.

- Ah, yes! - And a white car...

a Ford Mercury, registration number NID26BW

driven by a woman with flaming red hair,

surrounded by white feathers, called Alba Bewick.

Then I'm sorry that you'll find this film... inaccurate.

Don't ruin it for me, Fallast.

I'm going to take it in stages.

Needs absorbing...

Sure, I must have read it wrong before and now I'm on the lookout for clues.

What sort of clues?

In a try and separate the true clues and the red herrings.

I'm told, that all 8 parts of the second copy of this film

are out on loan as well.

Perhaps someone else is also looking for red herring.

Myriads of simply structured organisms,

whose ancestors began to appear some... 2.000 million years ago

from among the primitive bacteria and the first algae.

Protozoa, primitive jelly fish, sponges, coral polyps, colonizers...

Innumerable individuals making the first oceans... a rich soup.

Ripe for the further and more sophisticated development...

of life forms.

Oliver, entre!

Where is Oswald?

Ah, he's... just working.

Work consoles him.

I think.

How did you first know my wife?

I met her at the zoo... with my daughter...

when I took to Beta to the Insects House to watch butterflies.

Your wife said... they should be let free.

She didn't approve of zoos, did she?

Why is your daughter called Beta?

Alpha, Beta, Gamma... I wanted 26 children.

Beta wasn't the first.

The first one died.

I had an infection... mercury poisoning.

Where I come from, you take mercury to put you an abortion.

There aren't 26 letters in the Greek alphabet, there's only 23.

What Oswald Deuce's doing here?

Watching an apple fade away.

How original...

- "A" is for... - Angelfish.

- "B" is for... - Butterfly.

Do you think that's wise?

There are too many of them.

Will they survive the cold?

This zoo is too crowded.

There're too many staff, for a start.

Haven't you got anything better to do than watch me?

Venus de Milo's been asking after you.

I cannot stand the idea of her body rotting away...

for nothing.

Or was it for some reason?

Where is this?

It's where I was born.

It's called L'Escargot.

Tell me what happened...

in detail.

You know what happened.

Paula and Griselda were shopping for china...

What was Griselda wearing?

A green hat, black shoes...

- We left there about 3 o' clock. - Was she wearing a scarf?

Yes!

We turned out of the car parking and then�

Why was she buying china?

She said she needed china.

She bought 6 soup-bowls�

What were they like?

They were white... with blue markings...

and an egg-timer... and a milk-jug.

An egg-timer... What the hell did she want with an egg-timer?

- I imagine those vaulty timers... - And why did she want to time eggs?

Oswald, think what you say!

What else did she buy?

Paula wanted to go to the fishmonger.

- I bought a lobster. - Why did you buy a lobster for?

Oswald, this is getting silly!

Did my wife buy anything?

Oh yes... prawns.

- Prawns? - Yes!

Thank you!

That will do for now.

But all this is the long way back in the story.

Oh well! Thank you for telling me.

Oswald, where are you going?

The variety of shape, form and structure

in the development of animals at this time

is extraordinary.

Slight scuffing crabs, slow moving snails,

animals that look like stones, that take on the colour of sand,

animals that presented claws, that scavenge,

that develop poisons and stinging apparatus,

that live on detritus and each other�

creating systems of defence and attack whose ingenuity is limitless.

Anything in the park gazette?

- Why don't you sit down, plead? - Thank you a lot Oliver!

I heard you were in here.

- There's a funny smell in here. - It's me...

I've stop washing.

- Now, I'm sorry very about your wife. - So am I.

Venus de Milo has been asking after you.

Everyone's pimp and messenger, right plead?

Suit yourself!

Milo, have you ever done it with animals?

If that's what you want, if it would help...

I could invent for you.

It'll cost a... �5 a story.

That's what Anais Nin charged in 1927...

and she did it professionally.

I haven't started professionally, yet.

�5 or... an introduction to a publisher.

- Or credit note to a large bookshop... - That's all right! All right, go on!

Once upon a time... there were three birds...

No nursery stories!

No? All right!

Circus owner in Anchorage...

kept a polar bear called Fairbanks

to entertain Eskimo wives...

- Unlikely! And how come you know about Alaska?

I was attentive in Geography.

The bear... had a narrow snout,

a sweet nature, and a rough and probing tongue.

It also liked honey�

It's beginning to sound like a bedtime story.

Isn't that just what you wanted?

And there are no bees in Alaska.

There are as many bees in Alaska as snails.

Why do you like snails?

They're a nice primitive form of life. They helped the world decay...

and they are hermaphrodites, they can satisfy their own sexual needs.

- I don't believe it! - Neither do I!

The circus owner by leashing out the bear with a jar of honey

had two profitable sources of income...

Come on! Now this is another wingding story about money!

- And I disapprove of circuses! - I disapprove of zoos!

Just shut up and get out!

But I haven't got to the erotic part yet.

Get out!

Get out!

Get out!

Oh, mind your snails!

Out!

Get out! Go on!

Out!

If you go down to the woods today...

you'd better go in disguise.

If you go down to the woods today...

be sure of...

Be careful with that, you stupid idiot!

It's best mohair. I spent a lot of time on this suit.

If you go down to the woods today you'd better go in disguise.

If you go down to the woods today...

be sure of a big surprise.

What sort of stories does your brother Oswald like?

Why don't you go and ask him?

At 6 o'clock... their mummies and daddies...

will take them home to bed...

because they're tired...

little... teddy bears.

And leave those little snails alone, you dirty old man.

And oh, Lord! This Oswald Deuce again!

What's he up to?

What's the connection between apples and prawns?

What the gob of prawns remind you of?

And what was the betting? All of Oswald wives smell like agar?

Maybe he enjoyed the smell so much he's trying to recapture it.

You're disgusting!

You are too prim for words� Make him eat a prawn!

Oswald wouldn't mind.

Take that off. Put this on.

It belongs to my wife.

And this hat.

Open the coat down the front.

Fold your arms.

All right, begin!

In Bostwana, they kept a bull in a cave�

I've heard it.

You have?

Well!

In the 1870s, in the Regent's Park Zoo in London...

there was an enclosure reserved... for certain rare animals.

They came to be called... The Obscene Animals Enclosure.

One of the animals, in this special enclosure,

was a toad...

at least it had the body of a toad.

Was it all your bloody fault?

- What was? - The death of my wife!

I see.

I'm expected to have a pilot's license?

How could I anticipate swans?

You're wearing white feathers...

and you were driving a Ford Mercury.

So?

You were asking for trouble.

Why?

You said you took mercury to procure an abortion.

You were pregnant.

How the hell did you know I was pregnant?

Pregnant women are notoriously unreliable.

Especially, when they're trying to procure an abortion.

It was all your fault, you bitch!

Oliver!

Was my story worth �10?

I normally get 25 for 4.000 words.

That's 1/8 of what Pauline Reage got for "The Story of O".

- Did I tell it well? - Yes!

Write it down and I'll see if it gets published.

That's what your brother said.

Is it?

Isn't it time you and he became a little more friendly?

How is he?

He's miserable...

like you.

Oliver says, that rot starts in the stomach.

With an apple?

In the intestines, in the liver, pancreas...

the spleen... near the womb...

I'm going to see Oliver.

Do you want me to give him a message?

No, I've got nothing to say.

Yes, tell him...

to look after himself.

Oliver!

Oliver, what... what are you doing?

I'm having breakfast.

Stop it, you bloody idiot!

You pathetic idiot!

It's only ice.

Ice floats and you don't put ice in your wine.

Since when is etiquette being your strong point?

Oh, all right! Call for an ambulance, I've had enough.

Thank you!

- Shall I call for Oswald? - No!

All right, yes!

Tell him...

I am bleeding. He'll come.

He always used to come when I was bleeding.

- What's Oliver looking for? - I don't know.

I mean, look at all this stuff.

Maybe he's looking for an answer to his wife's death.

He will not find it here. This is just a straight-forward account.

The squid is among the most intelligent of the invertebrates.

Darwin was a good story-teller.

Both brothers have taken one copy.

Do I got to sit through them all?

There are 8 parts. This is only the third.

God, it's all such a... very fiction!

Were right... Though I don't deserve this, ok.

How was he right?

I was pregnant.

I not only lost a leg in that crash.

I lost a child.

Though I wasn't, by any means, trying to.

Gamma is not a very good name for a child.

I have yet to work out my greater loss.

But I know that I want another leg and another child.

As you can see...

it was inferior china.

Why do you want to keep those for?

Throw them away, you stupid boy!

I'd like to see this place.

Then go and see it...

and come back and tell me how it's getting on.

The key is in my bag.

You could go together.

So who found you?

- De Milo. - Who is she?

The stage name is Venus, the clients call her de Milo.

The seamstress.

She's beautiful stitcher.

When she's not watching the zebras,

she meets her clients at the Panda House.

And what's her speciality?

Bamboo.

- "J" is for... - Jaguar.

- "K" is for... - Kangaroo.

- "L" is for... - Lion.

- "M" is for... - Monkey.

Mon dieu, Oswald! What's this?

Prawns on their way back.

Way back?

To where they came from.

Ooze...

slime, murk...

One's still alive.

- Something interfered with my experiment. - Perhaps they were hungry.

Who the hell is he?

He's the surgeon, who removed my leg.

He wants to be a painter... a Dutch painter.

In fact, the Dutch painter Vermeer. No less!

Vermeer only painted 26 paintings and 3 of those are dubious.

- That's enough. - Obviously not!

Van Meegeren tried to paint some more.

- That's his name! - Whose name?

- The surgeon's. - Pardon?

Van Meegeren.

He's the cousin of the faker who painted the Vermeers.

What's his speciality?

Vermeer women.

Van Meegeren says, I look like the lady standing at the virginal.

I suspect it's because you never see her legs.

She's not standing really.

She's strapped and stitched to a music stool.

Van Meegeren has a great reputation for stitching.

Stitching?

Suturing.

Sewing up wounds... operations...

He's made a beautiful job on me.

- Look. - No, I can't.

- Why not? - Because...

You see what I mean?

I see more than that.

Oh! That, well...

That's pretty redundant now, isn't it?

I mean, except to pee through.

I want you to make sure

those two brothers don't get too close to Alba Bewick.

How do I do that?

Distract them...

as only you know how.

What's in it for me?

My patient's...

Our patient's that'd be.

and a... continuant place in my operating theatre...

and in my bed.

Oliver!

I was thinking...

at the crash... which way was the wind blowing?

Was it blowing off the buildings at the north side

or the buildings on the south side?

S'tempere Oliver, enough!

You've got to stop!

What difference does it make?

You exhaust me with your obsessions. Both of you!

You're our only witness.

What sort of witness was I?

Injured, in pain..

a face full of feathers... an egg yolk...

my leg's mashed to pulp... bleeding...

and you ask me for wind directions.

Sorry!

- Where's Beta? - She's with Oswald.

Look! It was an accident.

5.000 accidents happen every day.

- This one is... - Bizarre, tragic, fascicle!

They're acts of God! Did only to amaze the survivors...

and irritate the insurance company.

This one is different, for God's sake!

Is it?

The wives of two zoologists die in a car driven by a woman called Bewick,

who's attacked by a swan on Swan's Way...

You are already the beginning to build yourself a case for the supernatural.

But another set of details, from the same crash,

could produce something completely different.

What about me?

Don't I deserve some consideration?

With a daughter, who can't sit still... and why should she?

Take her out for me, will you?

Van Meegeren is going to fit me with an artificial leg tomorrow.

Kiss me.

I haven't been kissed since your wife kissed me one month ago.

Kiss me on the cheek.

Here... where she did.

And the ostrich eats anything at all...

It buries its head in the sand when it's afraid...

And the elephant lives to be a 100...

And never forgets a face...

So, you see between us... we know everything.

You don't know everything.

Between us we do.

All right then!

You see that woman over there?

What colour knickers is she wearing?

- Red ones, like her hat. - No, she isn't.

- How do you know? - I know.

Well, Oliver...

You could always go and ask... to find out.

Go on, ask her!

Excuse me, madam!

I'm sorry to bother you. I think we may just have met before.

May I trouble you in the interest of that child's education.

May I ask you a few questions?

Like?

Like? Uh...

Are these ostrich feathers?

Who are you exactly? Do I know you?

I'm an animal behaviourist, madam.

Then your question doesn't sound very well informed.

What animals are you behaving, mister?

All animals! Madam...

can I ask you a personal question?

Which do you prefer...

What colour are your knickers?

- Black and white striped. - Thank you!

It's a pleasure!

You see! Black and white stripes.

You didn't know. I knew all the time.

- You did? - Yes, I saw them yesterday.

And why did you make me go through all that, then?

Excuse me!

Just in case you don't believe me, I can show you.

No, thank you very much! We believe you.

- I insist! - It's really quite all right.

Thank you!

If you are both zoologists as you claim...

you pride yourself in your powers of observation.

You must continue these experiments.

If you don't look at the evidence, you'll cheat on the child.

Come with me or...

I swear... I'll kick this table over.

Go on then!

God!

And now I'll knock over this one if you don't go with me at once.

All right! All right! Where to?

Just follow me.

Go on then!

Thanks very much!

All right smart zoologist. Now see for yourself.

Go on!

That will cost you �40... and there is another thing...

Van Meegeren and I believe...

it's better for you and your precious brother

not to see Alba Bewick... before it's too late.

Too late?

If you both feel so lonely, you can't help yourself...

come and see me.

Together, if you must. And I don't tell dirty stories.

Don't press too hard.

My back aches.

Where does it ache?

It was the hips... and along the spine.

Don't worry! It's natural recovering.

Let's have you in a seating position.

- Tell me. What happened to my leg? - What do you mean?

Where is it now? Have you sold it?

It was incinerated.

Where?

Don't concern yourself with it.

Where?

In the hospital incinerator.

What is your connection with the zoo?

I am veterinarian consultant. Why do you ask?

Do you perform amputations on animals?

If they are necessary.

Do you fit animals with artificial legs?

Where are these questions leading, Alba?

Is animal surgery so different from human surgery?

There are many similarities.

What's this for?

It's for a surprise.

What sort of a surprise?

Don't be alarmed. I'm sure you'll like it.

What sort of surprise will it be if we tell you?

You take too many liberties.

I do! They're all in your interest.

- Is that a real angelfish? - Yes!

Can it fly?

Well it could... it still couldn't escape. It's a caged fish.

- Can it swim away? - But where to swim to?

The Sargasso sea. That's where all fish go.

Is it?

Yes! That's where mother's leg has gone.

How come?

It was taken by a shark.

Call him Van Meegeren, perhaps...

Who's he?

Oh... just a keeper of legs.

Do you keep lots of black-and-white fish?

- Yes! - Zebra-fish?

We also have... parrot-fish, elephant-fish...

rat-fish and tiger-sharks.

You see, fish anticipated everything that was to come.

I don't know why even it's involved to go on...

- Why go further? - There are no swan-fish.

Oliver? I mean... Oswald?

What do you doing here so late?

Reptiles.

I want to tell you about...

Seat here.

Reptiles differ from their immediate amphibian ancestors

by having a skin capable of retaining body moisture.

Which meant that animals for the first time...

Isn't it a bit late to be watching reptiles?

A forty million years to that.

What's all this watching for?

We're trying to work it out.

What out?

Why we should come all this way... slowly and painfully...

inch by inch, fraction by fraction, second by second...

so that my wife should die by a swan?

Very personal view of evolution.

What of a swan and my wife got in common?

- Me! - You?

And my car, an amputated leg, my lost child....

Before the vast majority of reptiles by now�

Reptiles didn't die out.

They grew feathers and became birds.

So our swan was a flying lizard?

Did Jupiter know that when he raped Leda?

He didn't raped her. She was willing.

Mon Dieu, Oswald!

Are you implying I was?

What do you mean?

You've been trying to tell me, you and Oliver,

that I was responsible for your wives death.

No! We haven't!

And things have suddenly changed.

Forcing the development of new sexual apparatus...

Where is Oliver?

He's working.

He heaps stinking snails... letting butterflies free.

He should go there.

It's full of snails and butterflies.

If you left a bicycle by the back door...

and you went indoors to use the toilet...

when you came out... the saddle was covered in snails...

licking up your sweat!

I haven't been there for 15 years...

I'd quite like to die there.

You must go there for me.

You might find my Felipe Arc-en-Ciel.

The key is in my bag.

Good Lord, Alba! Which one?

I don't know! I've forgotten.

You better try them all.

Start with this one. It looks right.

Why did you keep all these?

I've always had them.

You must never throw a key away. Did you know that?

Kiss me.

Crocodiles and their relatives, the gharials, alligators and caimans...

- Your leg... - What leg?

Don't be so sensitive.

You'd be surprised... what a novelty it is.

Come on! I want more than a kiss.

You might like it.

Your brother did!

What's the charge?

Charge...

The charge is �30.

Do you think the zebra was a mistake?

Never!

Do you think that black and white stripes are useful?

I'm sure they are.

Since the zebra is such a beautiful animal...

you'd have thought that.

That man would have invented a fanciful hybrid,

wouldn't you?

You know, like a... Centaur.

A black and white Centaur... half woman, half zebra...

with striped breasts, ever-ready haunches, and a white tail...

a black hair...

They'd only put it in the zoo.

Next to the Unicorn.

And the mermaid.

Animals are always kept for profit.

Maybe that's what they are for.

There're many ways of making a profit.

If I had the money to own a zoo...

I would stock it with mythological animals.

And where would you find them?

It would ask you to help me.

Oh, I'm very expensive.

You don't seem to have protected Alba from the attentions of Oliver and Oswald.

I can't control the world like a sentry.

You could ensure for more effective alternatives than a woman with one leg.

Would they be interested in a woman with no legs at all?

Since you, obviously, put more interest in her than you do in me

you ought to be able to answer the question yourself.

Captain Hook had one leg...

It was his arm.

and Long John Silver.

They were both fictional, so they don't count.

And Victor Hugo's father.

He wrote fiction so he doesn't count.

It was a cork leg.

Really?

Oh, I wonder if he had that much trouble having it fitted it as I am.

Next time you two must come with me.

Why?

To protect to me from unnecessary attentions.

You're imaging it.

Pinocchio's legs were wooden... well... Toulouse-Lautrec...

He had legs... they were just a little short.

Now, his father kept horses.

So? Marie Antoinette's father kept pigs that'd go after her.

Marie Antoinette's father didn't keep pigs...

Somebody's father did.

You two are improving, aren't you?

What a twosome, you and another. Yeah, Beta...

Shall we jump in now or later?

How'd we taste like?

Grief doesn't flavour anything.

It's just sour.

- Excuse me! Can I have a word with you? - Go ahead!

Wouldn't you like to speak to me alone?

- No! - Oh, dear!

Grief is a great healer.

I hear you might be looking for some dead animals.

I may be.

Well, what exactly are you looking for?

Reptiles.

- Would something a bit bigger do? - Not yet.

Would a crocodile do?

Well, it might but I'm unlikely to find one.

- How much would you pay? - Pay? I haven't thought.

Well, with the insurance money and that, you're not badly off.

That's none of your business.

- �40. - That seems a lot.

All right! �35.

Where did you get that?

In a zoo community of 7.000 animals there are deaths every day.

I mean crocodiles are not immortal.

De Milo, with my instructions, has made you a dress.

It's a copy in every detail of the one worn by madam Van Heysen

both to "Concert" and "The Music Lessons".

We now nearly have the entire wardrobe seen in Vermeer's paintings.

I came for an artificial leg, not an artificial dress.

Just to please me.

Milo, help Alba with her dress.

Have you two met?

I know enough Milo... to know that you favour black

and plan to earn your living as a writer.

I know a publisher.

You must come and tell me... some dirty stories.

Oh, what you would like?

I can tell you about...

what Venus did to the Unicorn in Beardsley's "Under the Hill".

Milo...

He got paid 60 guineas.

Would you think 60 guineas was worth it?

Milo, put the dress up!

In this room, as you can see, I am in use for holding pins.

Do I really have to?

Come on! Sit at the piano. Can you play?

Nothing very complicated.

It needs a tack here.

There's not enough spread.

Pity about the hair.

Let me out of here. C'est terrible!

What's so terrible?

I'm an excuse for medical experiments... and Art theory.

You must get me out of here and out of the hospital.

They are trying to help you.

Help me, for God's shake! What do you thinking?

I am staged... and sewn to the music stool.

Look! I'm imprisoned!

This is one of the most specialized of birds

which is evolved during the past few million years

to exploit this one particular environment.

Shallow ??? lakes and lagoons swamp with microscopic life.

Milo!

It's beautiful!

Does Alba really know what she's got here?

I'm sure of that.

Does she really know what she's doing?

She's trying to start all over again.

By sleeping with two brothers who can't tell the difference

between pleasure and grief and take advantage of her loneliness?

My impression was she was taking advantage of our loneliness.

So...

who's gaining most out of this... neutral exploitation?

At the moment I am.

Why you?

'Cause I'm enjoying this!

You are here but worry about exploitation...

and Alba is not here but in bed without a leg.

Now, open your eyes.

We've not find you a Felipe Arc-en-Ciel

but we have find you an apartment.

Now you'll be safe from Art and the Medicine.

It looks very expensive...

and a little bit vulgar.

It's certainly convenient for the zoo.

And who's going to pay for all this?

We are!

And here is a reminder of how it really goes...

I see...

Exchanging one prison for another...

but the music is still the same.

- So, I am to be a kept woman? - Not so you'd notice.

Will I be able to escape if I want to?

Of course! You know I don't believe in cages.

Suppose... I don't want to escape...

Grief, Alba!

Free to come and go as you please.

Good! Just want to get that straight.

You know they clip the wings of birds in the zoo.

Yeah! But they always grow again.

Now that wasn't a such a blithe thing to see in the circumstances, was it?

Sorry!

Who has the keys?

You can have the keys...

The keys are in it. Look! You are as free as a bird!

Just like Leda.

Prove I am as free as a bird.

Prove it?

All right!

All right! You just sit on your balcony

at 9 o' clock tomorrow morning and I'll show you

how easy it is to free birds.

Ok!

Let's hear all the changes in the face of new evidence...

I am about to become a mother...

and you are about to become a father...

or fathers.

- You what? - You are?

- I am! - Good lord!

- Why not? - You can?

Of course!

Is leglessness a form of contraception?

- I'm not sure. - You're not sure!

- I'm delighted! - You are delighted!

A pregnant cripple and you're delighted.

Think of what it will do to my sense of balance!

It might help! Give you more stability.

Then you recommend it?

Recommendation is one thing.

A womb on crutches is another.

So... who's the father?

Well, well, well...

Why don't you discuss it between yourselves?

Why, don't you know?

Grand Dieu!

Does an animal behaviourist need to ask such questions?

As far as I'm concerned... you both are.

- But you... - No buts!

You're brothers, aren't you?

What's a few spermatozoa among brothers!

Oliver!

Invigorating as the sight may be to you,

perhaps, you can tell me... something about their escape.

You think I should know?

I understand that you are critical about my... custody of birds.

They look like twins.

Could they fly like that? Do you think? Trying together like that?

We could learn them.

Could my fish learn?

I'm sure!

It's lonely.

I'll show you what to do. Come with me!

Both the tiger and the zebra carry their own prison bars.

But whereas the tiger stripes undoubtedly service camouflage,

the stripes of the zebra are now no longer believed

to be protective colouring.

The flamingo chromism it gets on crustaceans.

The richer the dark pink of the feathers.

Your birds are too pale.

Fresh prawns are rather difficult to keep,

as I'm sure you understand.

The flamingo enclosure is a 10 feet by 12.

You have 123 birds, which gives each bird... 1 square feet.

A flamingo is not aroused standing on, my lads.

There you are! A mirror image.

It's not that impossible to find.

Flamingos never express a temperature lower than 5 C.

Nor do they respect traffic tickets.

Your fugitive cold... and anaemic flamingos

don't look terribly like they're waiting for taxi, do they?

We've got it wrong. They're waiting for a bus...

to Africa.

How charming!

Oliver, a warning:

Snails, butterflies and our birds have escaped from the zoo.

I can't prove that you are responsible Oliver...

but I'm sure my suspicions are not too far from the truth.

Be careful!

I've got to go back to the hospital.

Why?

- I'm going to lose the other one. - Other what?

This one.

What's the matter with you?

It looks alright, doesn't it?

Of course it does! What's wrong with it?

It's got to go.

Oh, you're joking! You can't be serious!

You're pulling my leg?

It's dying!

How could it be dying?

It's all on its own.

It's lonely.

You never see a female leg in Vermeer.

Have you noticed?

Do you think it's a conspiracy by Van Meegeren?

It's Van Meegeren who says, "He's got to come off".

He says it's a shock to the spine.

I'm getting so that I can hardly move.

Feel it!

It's cold! Don't you think?

Could you both love this leg as much as me?

It's the only leg I've got left.

How much of your body can you lose and still recognize yourself?

Two legs look so good together, don't you think?

They complement one another.

It's as just they were made for each other.

Like us.

Like your legs, Alba...

We are complementary.

Of course you are.

Oh! What's the name of the piece at the back of the knee?

Hasn't got a name.

Oh! That I won't miss it!

Oh, some other common features haven't got a name

Like this small piece of gristle that separates the nose.

It also keeps them together.

Why do we have to have two nostrils?

Why do we have to have two of everything?

- Symmetry is all. - We are twins.

I know you are.

Just because you've chosen now to reveal your amazing secret,

doesn't mean I have to be surprised.

- Who told you? - No one!

I guessed!

- Not even your wives told me. - They didn't know.

They didn't know? Come on!

They didn't know!

They knew we were brothers, but they were never told that we were twins.

Well, now... That is a surprise!

Well!

They can't torture me anymore by running straws between my toes.

I can't be tickled to death on the soles of my feet.

I can't be knee capped.

Or get housemaid's knee or athlete's foot.

- Or get verrucas. - You can get verrucas on your hands.

Say goodbye to my leg.

Both of you.

Bye, leg!

Go on, Oswald.

Goodbye, leg!

Kiss it!

It needs a send-off.

Here...

and here.

Come to the window.

Turn off the light.

What are you watching?

It's a condolescence present...

to celebrate your return to the zoo hotel.

I turned out the rhino.

It followed me to the corner.

- And then you abandoned it. - It'll be all right.

- Suppose it will attack someone. - It won't! It's short-sighted.

Carry me to the window.

I've never been to Africa.

The rhino seems able to look after himself.

Take me back to bed!

Come and join me.

Now! How about changing sides?

No, I'm happy on the left.

I exactly know my place and feel very comfortable in it.

Though it's possibly on this night

for the first time that I'm prepared to acknowledge this.

Know your place!

Since before I was three.

You have a long memory.

And a few scars to prove it.

Bellow the ear.

At the shoulder.

Along the hip.

And along the shin.

Oswald and Oliver...

Siamese twins.

Why haven't you acknowledged it before?

Maternal advice.

"Say nothing and nobody will ever know".

But it's something special to shout of it, isn't it?

Was it?

Freaks and rarities used to be kept in the circuses.

Now that we're civilized they're kept in zoos.

Our mother didn't like the idea of us being a rare species.

In the zoo...

You have no right to use zoo equipment...

for any old animal you find in the street.

Especially not a black and white one.

Not to die on by a malicious driver.

What is it, Hoyten, about black and white animals

that you must preserve your special animosity for them?

- Nothing! - What did you say?

Unless you pay me a �200 for the use of that dog...

It's not yours to sell.

And if we can prove you killed it, you will do the paying.

I should report this misuse of zoo property...

to Fallast.

You do that.

I sit here for hours!

It's like sitting amongst lighthouses.

Each lighthouse is giving you a bearing of lost spaces of time.

There're tens of thousands of photographs taken here.

All taken very patiently.

Because decay can be very slow.

Nine months for the human body...

they say!

Why zebras...

always given for the last letter of the alphabet?

Can you think of a better word?

What did they use for "Z"... before they knew zebras existed?

That was so long ago, nobody needed an alphabet.

I think the letter "Z" was invented especially for zebras.

What is your name?

Why?

Felipe Arc-en-Ciel.

If you've got any control of it, I want to be buried here.

It's not consecrated ground.

Well! We could make it consecrated ground.

I'll be cremated and you can scatter my ashes here.

Snails don't like ashes.

They'll just have to put up with them!

By the way, you still owe me a cripple.

Pardon!

I said you could only come here, if you find me a cripple to cherish...

and I expect you to find him before I deliver.

Are we likely to find him for you?

You intend to make him push us out?

Push you out?

You are both zoologists.

I want you to be there when I deliver.

It might cure you with your obsession with decay.

Keep looking!

- "P" is for... - Penguin.

- "Q" is for... - Quagga.

- "R" is for... - Rhinoceros.

- "S" is for... - Swan.

I'm told Vermeer's wife never sat for him.

Vermeer's wife, Catherina Bolnes, gave him 14 children.

My Catherina Bolnes is barren.

Your Catherina Bolnes...

She changed her name by ??? because I asked it.

Oh dear, what an influence you must have!

I understand that you are now called... Leda?

It is an affectionate joke with no strings.

I'm glad!

You glad?

Dear Alba...

I've been very close to you... to the operating table.

With just a little encouragement from you I could be as close again.

Take your arms off!

Come on! What excite??? a legless woman come by?

Enough to make your attention superfluous.

Get off, Meegeren, you fake!

Your shoes are ???

I can always take my shoes off.

If that was calculated to be cruel...

you, certainly, don't know how to make an appeal.

Even, on the poorest level!

Now leave... and take Vermeer with you!

Your Catherina Bolnes is waiting for you.

Barren or not!

I've got... got this new story for you about the origin of the species.

You know one...

What walks on four legs in the morning,

two legs in midday and... three legs in the afternoon?

Do you think Alba would like it?

It's yours for �25.

We want you to make us a suit.

I know! Plenty of measuring inside leg?

God, Milo! You got a one track mind!

By that you mean you've got two... one each!

We want you... to make us a suit.

There are plenty of respectable tailors.

A three-piece suit.

Who's the third part for?

All three parts are for us, Milo.

But are you capable of handling the inside arms?

All right!

I'll strike a bargain with you.

You get me a story published...

and I'll make the underwears that go with the suit.

Zebras die here with unfailing regularity.

Why is that?

It's about the only black and white animal left in the zoo.

- What about the panda? - It's stuffed.

- It isn't! - It is! Ask Plate!

It moves in about daily along the bamboo sheets.

How often do you see it move?

- It was always asleep. - Permanently asleep.

Plate makes dump pellets out of plasticine,

scatters them above the cage each afternoon.

- He doesn't! - He does!

The only trouble is he gets the colour wrong.

Very different color every day...

But don't worry! The kids know exactly what is going on.

I bet if you ask Beta she'd tell you.

What a fake!

How could they get away with it?

They've been get away with this all the time.

Haven't you noticed?

Catherina Bolnes is never the same twice.

You can only recognize her by that dreadful hat.

I'm not so certain whether Van Hoyten is always the same person.

The clothes are the same.

You always suppose to recognize him.

You can never fail to recognize a zebra.

Or an angel!

Hello!

I thought you said he had legs.

He's taken them off...

to meet you on an equal footing.

Felipe... Arc-en-Ciel!

Hello!

I'm a whore for freaks!

Separated Siamese twins... my speciality!

I have been told, madam, of your dramas.

I sympathize!

I, madam...

I'm an inordinate admirer of horses.

Pregnant mares, especially!

I've always wished that I could've served a white pregnant mare.

And have you tried?

In this present maimed company I can admit to anything.

A white mare was my downfall...

literary!

I was tossed and kicked...

but I still last after riding her.

Her name was Hortensia.

I'm jealous already!

Doesn't a horse has four legs?

Then that, madam, is just enough for both of us.

And this, Milo, is for you!

For bringing us together.

Come on, Oliver! You've done enough.

Enough?

This tiger walks 10 miles up and down this cage every day.

Do you really think it will walk fewer miles with you inside him?

In a striped, flannel suit with a grease in your trousers?

Maybe I should take a few clothes off!

Make it easier!

You suppose to let the animals out, not go in there with them.

How can I let out the tiger? They'd only shoot it.

Oliver, if you don't come out we'll shoot it anyway.

Enough room for this bloody change... or a strip-tease.

Enough of room there to what you've got.

Look, I think better join you.

Oswald! One fool in there is enough!

Stop him!

What in earth are they trying to prove?

The tiger was, obviously, making a prophetic gesture.

I can't consider the possibilities of joining you together but...

between us� could we satisfy the experts?

You've seemed to satisfy the experts before.

Meaning?

By providing the zoo with the one-legged gorilla.

Do you feel that the gorilla is here abused?

If you feel that my care is incomplete,

I must look at the animal again.

What for? To amputate its other leg?

If it's painful, cut it off! Is that your answer?

Animals on the whole are designed with a view of... symmetry.

Surely, in your experiments you must have seen it.

One of decay's first characteristics is to

spoil that symmetry, wouldn't you say?

You leave that animal alone, Meegeren!

Dear me... What do you think I am?

You're certainly not Vermeer.

Was it really necessary to amputate a second time on Alba Bewick?

Yes it was!

And if you doubt my abilities, I wonder why you're here!

Why do you want it done?

Completeness!

I will do it for nothing, though I understand that you're rich.

That's just not true!

But don't tell me.

How?

For a start...

let me be the father of her child.

- No! - No!

I could help you, maybe, even more.

I noticed, Oswald,

all your experimental subjects have been female.

Do you envisage taking your...

photographic experiment to completion?

See, Milo is a good friend of mine.

She weights 126 pounds. She's 5'6" in her stocking feet

One inch shorter than your wife, I believe.

Like your wife... she's now 10 weeks pregnant.

Child is mine.

She may very well have an abortion.

I can perform it.

There could be complications...

and I can juggle the outcome.

You see how much I am prepared to bargain for.

Stand together!

You see, it could be made to work.

I could stitch you together...

for a price.

Evolution as you know it Oswald,

undoubtedly, and for the moment ends with man.

- Some say woman. - And an apple.

How do you anticipate completing you inquiries?

How much would you pay, do you think, for a human corpse?

God, Hoyten! I really believe you mean it!

Milo is about your wife's build... and age and wit.

And she is pregnant with my child.

What's so amusing?

Venus de Milo is unusually fertile... or rather careless...

For someone without arms.

A little persuasion and I know that Milo is ready to visit the zebras.

Now zebras are notoriously fickle... very possessive of their mares.

Especially ??? zebra.

You know! The one with the soft eyes and the sharp hooves

- and the vicious kick - And the big prick!

You deceive yourself, Hoyten.

Just the thought you alone, I'd make sure Milo never died.

Here's your �400 for one female zebra.

Killed, no doubt, in a corner.

But for the same 400... you must put in... a tranquilliser gun.

I'm not! You're not thinking of doing your own killing, are you?

I strongly advise against it.

- Do you have a flat piece of plastic? - No!

- Do you have a sharpened pencil? - No!

You are well equipped...

Why're you doing this for us?

Isn't it obvious?

Venus... locks me into the hearts of men... and monkeys.

What makes you two think you can behave such cavalierly on this zoo?

We have saved this gorilla from further mutilation.

By killing it?

Thanks to you, it was ailing. Has been for the last three years.

Is that for you to decide?

This zoo is ran by an incompetent nutty bum.

I wonder why they've stayed here so long?

You need to stay no longer. You are fired!

On what excuse?

Maltreatment of animals, the one.

Misuse of zoo property, for another.

Unauthorized freeing of animals...

- We haven't finished. - Finish what?

Some bogus experiment that satisfies your obsession of grief?

What valuable conclusion can be gained from all this rotten meat?

Nothing!

How can you measure decay?

By degrees of grief, perhaps...

Or by planning a zoo devoted to black and white animals

because you're colour-blind...

They can assure there's no opposition by killing off

some of the black and white animals that aren't yours...

For the using a zoo for some exotic gaming of barter and blackmail...

Or by maiming animals so that they can be expensively patched up!

God grief, Alba! You kept that quiet?

How did you manage one each?

I thought I had failed.

After all they are not Siamese!

Careful!

- So where've you been? - We were busy.

How did you do it?

I just sat on the eggs!

How do you mean you were busy?

We got to call them.

- Castor and Polydeuces? - From the reign of the swan.

Too obvious!

- Gamma and Delta. - Wrong sex.

Do Greek letters have a sex?

What's the excuse for the bruises?

It's not important.

- Did you know? - Must've known?

No! I can't safely say I didn't...

but I should have guessed.

And what's not important?

We've been fired... sacked, dismissed from there

From the zoo?

What was the last drop?

Did you photograph a camel with a broken back?

How are you?

Tired and my feet ache. So does my back.

- We're sorry we weren't here. - So am I!

Are you pleased?

Of course!

Now give them back.

- What are you going to do now? - Continue!

Where and with what?

We thought you wouldn't mind us working at L'Escargot.

What do you doing?

Making a zoo.

- Can I look? - Only if you pay.

The old story!

But with a brand new taxonomy.

Only an innocent would put a spider and a fly

in the same cage because they were both brown.

Well, putting them together will probably tell an innocent

more of our spiders and flies, than keeping them apart.

- And you mustn't cheat. - Cheat?

I must mark the back of your hand with ink to make sure you've paid.

Whatever for?

Now you look so alike, I can't tell the difference between you any more.

We have L'Escargot ready.

When will you be allowed to come?

I'm well enough, but I'm not coming.

Why ever not?

I'm ill. Van Meegeren says, my spine is damaged.

Oh, why listen to him?

Haven't had enough of him?

I'm not coming.

I want to stay here... near the hospital... near the zoo.

But I'm well enough to tell you something...

that I know you are not going to like.

I do not want you to be the legal father of my children.

You what?

Van Meegeren has squeezed that out of you.

Non, pas du tout!

We are the father!

You see?

A bad grammar doesn't signify anything.

Went in in twos and they came out in twos.

It stopped raining.

I found my Arc-in-Ciel.

I cannot have my children having three parents.

What difference does that make?

Listen!

You found Felipe for me... you and Milo.

He's an ideal father.

Grief has made you unreliable.

On your own admission, you are jobless.

- I cannot risk your extreme behaviour. - You risked it before.

It's too much responsibility for you...

and you would be prevented from being together.

Nonsense!

Felipe will make a better father.

He's legless!

Did that stop me being a mother?

Motherhood isn't voluntary!

We'll take legal action.

Oswald, stop being petulant!

What would you gain?

I'm sure that a married male twins don't make a good legal precedent.

Beta now can't even tell which of you is which.

In the court-room... I can't imagine that you would win. And if you did...

you would know it was against my wishes.

I think Adam was a Siamese twin.

What happened to his brother?

Perhaps for some minds

the most difficult step to comprehend

in the Theory of Natural Selection

is the enormous leap from the higher apes

to 20th century man.

All that way to bring me to this...

Now I want you to be here tonight...

and I mean it! No prior engagements.

Bring Beta's record and you can watch me go.

Go? Where you going?

- I've had enough! - What do you mean?

My children are now spoken for, aren't they?

Aren't they?

And I am exhausted.

The swan succeeded in the end.

I'm busy tonight, so you can't go tonight.

What are you doing that's so important?

- I'm grieving! - Still?

Always!

I'm now childless as well as wifeless.

You've forgotten jobless and homeless.

Let's strike a bargain.

Thanks for thirty seconds of your sympathy. No bargains!

- No record! - No record?

I'm not going to bargain about a gramophone record.

You can stay away.

We will come, on one condition.

Don't tell me, I know!

You want my corpse.

Mon Dieu! My body for a gramophone record...

and a visit from a pair of Siamese twins.

Haven't you had enough of my body?

- You're our last chance! - And you were my first choice.

Well! Thank you both!

And we need the use of the garden of L'Escargot for nine months.

- A significant period. - Or longer.

We figured we can ask this because we've given up legal parenthood.

You've learned a thing or two from the zoo, haven't you?

Even if it's only how to bargain.

All right!

In the interest of science...

some science...

you can have it, if you can get it.

But I know you won't get it because now I have a family.

And you know what families are for.

With your permission in writing how can they stop us?

Oh! Easily!

They could write the words... insanity... Oh! Insanitary!

It's long been respectable to leave your body to medical science.

What's scientific about watching a body rot?

You always said, you wanted to go back to L'Escargot, so be it.

You'll lie quietly in the garden.

- With you watching? - Only the camera will be watching.

What's the point of watching me?

My body is only half here.

Then you'll fit better into the film frame.

A fine epitaph...

"Here lies a body cut down to fit the picture."

...to share his intelligence.

And whatever the system he has used

the ability to store and pass on his knowledge...

is the key to his success.

"X" is for...

There aren't any animals beginning with "X".

"Y" is for...

Yak! It's a sort of ox.

- And "Z" is for... - Zebra!

Good evening, Milo!

It's a clear night.

It's not like you to speculate on the weather.

That's the sort of night you've been waiting for, perhaps.

Isn't it time you decided to do what you've been wanted to do

ever since I've known you Milo?

- You got a flat piece of plastic? - Yes!

- A sharpen pencil? - Yes!

- You are well equipped. - Yes, I am!

Hold this!

Well! Here we go!

What's the time?

One o' clock.

You won't be long.

I didn't mother 26 children of the alphabet.

You made an encouraging last fling.

I am the last of L'Escargot.

From here on, it's yours... along with my corpse.

Don't worry!

The papers are signed and sealed.

You are the last and we are already finished.

A zed and two noughts!

What a zoo!

All right!

Don't do anything with my body I wouldn't do.

Now I want to lie still and quiet.

Put on Beta's record.

Dogs were born for howling.

Cats are always prowling.

Beasts are always bawling.

Nature makes them do it.

All the jungle folk have habits of their own.

A worm will turn in quite the nicest way...

Oh God!

She's gone!

And what are the signs?

No pulse.

No eye movement.

No breathing.

No heart-beat.

The skin pales and becomes stiff.

Turn off that awful record!

Wait until is finished!

A horse, of course, it's such a noble beast.

It never shops but works and works and doesn't mind at least.

It shops an ox, to treat it like your pet.

The beasts that live can all forgive but an elephant never forgets.

Now what?

We take her to L'Escargot.

In a coffin?

For decency�s sake, we take her in a coffin.

In a long or a short coffin?

I'm sure Alba would've been amused by a short coffin.

At least it leaves no room for artificial legs.

In a long or a short coffin?

I don't think that it'll be for us to decide.

The family have arrived.

I'm sure they all want a long coffin.

Now, I see that you're upset... and you like animals.

So I gave you this as a present.

I will not be taking Alba to L'Escargot to film her decay.

If you go down in the woods today, you're sure of a big surprise.

If you go down in the woods today, you'd better go in disguise.

For every bear that ever there was will gather there for certain because

today's the day the Teddy Bears have their picnic.

Every Teddy Bear who's been good is sure of a treat today.

There's lots of marvellous things to eat and wonderful games to play.

Beneath the trees where nobody sees They'll hide and seek as long as they please

That's the way the Teddy Bears have their picnic.

Picnic time for Teddy Bears...

The little Teddy Bears are having a lovely time today.

Watch them, catch them unawares, and see them picnic on their holiday.

See them gaily gad about.

They love to play and shout. They never have any care.

At six o'clock their Mummies and Daddies

will take them home to bed, 'cause they're tired little Teddy Bears.

If you go down in the woods today, you'd better not go alone.

It's lovely down in the woods today, but safer to stay at home.

God!

This floor is hard...

Today's the day the Teddy Bears have their picnic.