Original subtitles

-Where is it?

Come on.

Where is it?

What the--

are you kidding me? Jesus.

Coming to Broadway,

one hit wonderland,

starring 'nsync's jc chasez.

You're only a one hit wonder

until your second hit.

Featuring new versions of all your favorite

one hit wonders of the past.

Visit telecharge.Com to book your ticket to--

-here you go, man. -Thank you.

-I can't keep up with your sexual workload.

-Well, what about you and Nick?

How many times did y'all do it a week?

-I don't know, three or four.

-What?

-Oh, honey.

-What is wrong with that?

-Come here. Nicky, come here.

You mean to tell me

you were only entering this beautiful creature

three or four times in a week?

-Yeah, but to be fair,

she was also entering me three or four times a week.

So, you know, it's not so bad.

-I like that.

Oh, which reminds me.

Where were you last night, bitch?

You could not be found.

-I do not kiss and tell.

-Ooh. -Ooh.

-Okay, seriously. Come on, spill it.

-Seriously, stop.

-Oh. Sorry.

-Oh, come on.

We broke up like a year ago.

-Yeah, I know, and still my lips are sealed.

-Oh, we know that can't be the case

or else there'd be no story to tell.

- Oh.

-Guys, we got like 10 minutes to show.

-Thank you.

-Help me with my vocal warmups.

- Right here.

Start here.

-Guys, can you stop that?

You know--you know I hate that.

- What this?

-Yes. This is why i hate musical theater.

-Oh, come on, you know you love it.

-I don't.

-Please don't do this.

-Thank you.

-Guys, guys.

Don't you think it's like really cheesy

when people just like randomly break into song?

It's fucking corny.

-Fuck you, guys.

Hey, everyone, this is not a drill.

I need you to report to the stage

and start getting to places.

Nick, we've got a bit of a problem here.

One of the background dancers called in sick.

-Call wicked.

Have them send over one of their spares.

We got a packed house out there, mate.

-Well, let's not fuck it up.

Nine minutes to curtain, everybody.

-Save it for the show, buddy.

-We just blew a bulb in the opening backdrop.

-What? -Yeah.

-What, right now? Which bulb?

- The big one. -I'm not--

-the one...What? What are you--

okay, look, not again.

I know that you have a tendency

to swallow your words in high stress situations,

but you gotta give me a chance, okay?

I need you tonight.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe with me.

Okay. Which bulb?

-The big one, the one that dots the I.

-Atta girl. Hey, Waldo, we lost some rays.

I need you to run a second ball of sunshine

up to the opening backdrop, okay?

Brilliant. I'm on it.

-He's good to go. -Okay.

-Oh, Nick, thank god, man.

Please tell me you're carrying. -Carrying?

-Marijuana, you know, the muse of the common musician.

I left my stash at home.

-Actually, I don't have any weed on me.

-Well, I can't play the bass guitar

unless I'm on drugs, Nick.

No one can. That's how the bass guitar works.

I'm sorry. It's just that I'm a fucking hack, man.

I got nothing without my weed, nothing.

-Except for a crippling drug dependency.

-I want Malcolm off the fucking show.

-Not now, Brandy.

-He's a Weasly little tit tickler

who sings like a deaf otter with hpv.

-Wow, you really are the Picasso of insults.

You know, I have a theory

that you actually write these the night before.

-Just fire him.

-Did he do something to you?

-Shut up and fire him or I quit.

-Well, you will be missed.

-You're a dickless, talentless, micropenis pageboy,

and nobody respects you

'cause you wear your headset like a little tiara.

-See, that one just didn't really feel off the cuff.

Eight minutes to show, ladies.

-Nick, so now that I'm pregnant,

I'm probably going to get tired pretty easily out there.

So if I get winded, I'm just going to walk offstage

and catch a quick breather.

-What? No.

You can't just walk offstage in the middle of a number.

-Nick, I'm carrying precious cargo.

-Monica, you are literally three days pregnant.

You asked us all to do coke with you

in a bar central bathroom last week.

-Well, that's before I received this little blessing.

-No, that's why you received this blessing.

You'll be fine.

-Nick, additional concern. -Sure.

-I've already sweat through.

You think these stains will read onstage?

-Uh, yes. Those would read from space.

Tina, can you fire up the blowdryer?

Help Debbie out here.

Nick, I'm afraid we have

another issue with an emotional Eric.

-Stay in there.

-So sorry.

-What happened?

-Mammy died.

-Your grandmother died?

-Wait, my grandmother died?

-His grandmother died, too?

-No, no, no, no.

-Granny and now mammy.

-No. Good lord.

Who the fuck is mammy?

-It's his pet marmoset.

-Oh, well, of course.

Hey, guys. Guys?

I get it, okay.

Mammy seemed like she was a really special--

-it's a he.

-Rodent.

But I need you all

to get to first positions.

I think it's what mammy might've wanted.

-Okay. -Good.

-I'll do it for mammy.

-That's the spirit.

Hey, let's do this one for mammy, huh, guys?

-Hooray. -All right. Yeah.

-Hello? -You, backup dancer?

-Si, Xavier.

-Hola. Me llamo Nick.

Thanks so much for coming on such short notice.

-I think I know you. You are an actor, too, no?

-No, no, no, no, no.

-Yes, I think I saw you in the theater.

-No. Xavier, look,

I've been working on Broadway for six years.

You sing and dance and you have an affinity for lycra,

you know me.

Who here wants to get x to wardrobe?

-I will help him. -Right here.

-Wow, never a lack of subtlety.

Seven minutes to show, guys.

-This must be what it's like to undress the rock.

-You got any idea

why Brandy might want you off the show?

-Oh, it's probably because i fucked her boyfriend last night.

- Oh.

You fucked Brandy's boyfriend last night?

-Oh, absolutely.

-Why didn't you say anything about it?

-I didn't think it was that interesting.

-Hey, um, weird question.

Are you holding?

-Nick. Drugs?

What, is the pressure of the big night getting to you?

-It's for someone else. -Shut up.

You know I'm playing with you.

-Thank you. -Okay.

-Any word on who Chloe... You know?

-Who Chloe what?

-You know, last night. Who she...

-Last night.

-Why are you doing this to me?

This is killing you, isn't it?

-Shut up.

-Guys, six minutes to show.

Mickey.

-Oh, fuck, yeah.

Maestro, we are back.

Shit, who's got a lighter?

-Ladies.

Come on, what's going on in there?

Jc, come on.

Oh. Thank you.

Let's get back to the ladies' dressing room.

-Nick, we were just doing some vocal warmups.

Want to make sure that once we get out there we're all in sync.

Get it?

-I get it every time, jc.

Look, it's five minutes to show.

Why do we always have to cut this so close?

-Come here, okay?

The secret to success is relaxation.

-I'm relaxed.

-No. You know there was another guy in my band

who couldn't relax either?

To be honest with you,

he was just as good a singer as me and the other guy.

-Justin Timberlake?

-Whoever. Anyway, he should've been front and center

far more than he was, but he was in the closet

dealing with some personal issues.

I'm not gonna say who it was.

-It was Lance bass.

-So you know what I'm talking about.

-I don't think I do.

-One Lance had the courage to say,

"hey, world, I'm as gay as you thought I was,"

everything got better.

-I'm not gay, jc.

- You sound just like Lance.

-Hey, sir Joshua s. Chasez,

you long-dick motherfucker.

Whoo, there it is.

Look at you, huh?

You are a goddamn living god.

-Come on, Mitch. Nobody's a living god.

But if there was one, it's gonna be me.

-Yeah. -Get it?

- He nailed it. Nailed it.

You never looked better, babe.

All right, listen to me, you little shit.

I need you to keep that glorified backup singer focused.

Do you understand? -Yes, Mr. goldmeyer.

-Between him and Brooke,

this show is hanging on by the string of your tampon.

-I thought they looked decent in rehearsals.

-Decent? Decent?

You of all people should know decent

ends a show's run on opening night.

We got one shot at this.

Now where's that fucking crypt keeper?

Hey! There she is. Wow.

What a star. -A star?

How come when you Google Brooke treme,

it autofills "whatever happened to Brooke treme?"

"Whatever happened to" is now officially my first name.

And so modest. So modest.

You really are the full package.

Nick, is she a goddess or what?

- Nick?

-We might need a touchup on Brooke.

Copy that.

-Thanks for the honesty, Nick.

-You look great!

Hey, dickhead.

You think I don't know she needs makeup?

She's one bad lighting setup away

from passing for Mel Brooks.

-Sure. -Ah-di-di-di. I'm not done yet.

Mel Brooks' asshole. -Wow.

-Now it's our job to keep that morbid bitch happy.

So you just keep blowing smoke

up that cellulite ass chimney of hers, got it?

-Got it.

-Hey, fuckballs, is that a hard-on?

Do you have a hard-on in the hallway?

-Is he gone? Ugh.

-Should you be smoking before you have to sing?

-Oh, let's be honest. At this point in my career,

I'm only doing it for the money anyway.

-Brooke, you've worked too hard to really mean that.

-I worked hard for the beekeeper's daughter.

I worked hard for John Wayne's rainbow taxi.

I worked hard for minorities the musical.

That material was worthy of my talent.

For this, I'm working for my agent's

summer rental in lake como

and another round of laser hair removal.

-Hmm.

-The vaginal kind.

-No, I got that.

-Break a leg out there, Ms. treme.

-Who the fuck are you?

-Ron. Props.

You know, just 'cause i work on the crew

doesn't mean i can't be a huge fan.

And I am, of you.

-Okay. Anyway--

-oh, it's so weird seeing, you know, you so close.

It's like I can reach out and grab you, you know.

I won't. -Dude.

-Ron, don't you have somewhere you need to be?

-If by somewhere to be you mean backstage

at the hottest musical this town's ever seen,

then I think I'm in the right spot.

-That's not what I mean. Get back to props now.

-Okay. Time to put on a show. Whoo-hoo.

-Golly, the kind of unbridled optimism

that truly makes me want to puke.

Excuse me while I do that.

-719, 818.

-Brian, stop looking at the audience and get on last looks.

-Dude, there's a lot of talent in the house tonight.

Check out the 818s in the front row.

-818s?

-Area code, you know.

-No.

-Look, first digit's a chick's face, zero to nine.

Second digit, would you do them?

One, you would do them, zero, you wouldn't.

Zeroes are rare obviously.

-Obviously.

-Third digit's the body, again zero to nine.

-Look, Brian, i really don't have time

to grasp this incredibly douchey-sounding concept.

-Nick!

-Look, here comes a 717.

-Center Debbie's mic is all soggy.

She needs a new one. -All right.

-Before we do that,

Tina, let's just get your costume adjusted here.

Last looks.

-Keep it classy, dude.

-All right, now let's check that panty line.

-Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to Broadway's Harper Lee theater.

Please turn off all cell phones, cameras,

and other electronic devices.

Texting and photography are strictly prohibited.

- Really?

-Thank you, and enjoy the show.

-You are the type of girl

that needs to be swept off her feet,

and I might be the guy with the broom.

- And where would you be sweeping me?

-Well, I might just sweep you

to a little spot that I like to call the fuck palace.

-Damn it, Lee.

What the hell's the fuck palace?

-Well, that's what I call my apartment.

-Your studio apartment in Spanish Harlem

is the fuck palace?

-Yeah, essentially.

-No. -No?

-No, no, no, no. I think--yeah.

-Not--not good?

-Just keep it light, keep it funny, okay?

Girls don't like to feel threatened.

-Thank you so much.

Just having a really hard time

getting back in the game after my wife left me.

-You're a really, really good guy, and you'll get it.

I promise. -Okay.

-Okay. -Thanks.

-Oh, by the way, before i forget, do you have my money?

-What, for the dating lessons?

-No, for fantasy football.

-Yeah, I just don't have any cash on me.

-Oh, really? You sure?

-No, I mean, let me see.

-Let me just see, too. -No, you have to look.

-Yeah, that's my emergency 20.

-It's my emergency 20 now.

-Fine. -Go.

We're going to keep practicing your skills tomorrow, okay.

You're making progress.

-No, I'm not.

-Damn.

Pimps be chasing down them greenbacks.

-Yeah, I got all these little bitches on my tip.

-No shit.

-What you got for daddy?

-Is it weird that I'm like--

-what?

-I'm kind of attracted to gangster Mozart?

-Are you a fan of my motherfucking concerto?

What me to bach it up?

-Bach. I get that reference.

-I'll skedaddle like you want me--

sorry.

-I was afraid this was gonna happen.

-What? -Look, look.

Last night was fun and all, but the clinginess.

It's a turn-off.

-No, I was-- -it's easier this way.

No strings attached.

Catch that?

-You fucked jc...Chasez?

-I was really drunk. You know that.

-That's...Cool.

You know, it's really none of my business.

Showtime. We should probably get to first positions.

-Oh, okay. Okay.

All right, people, showtime.

We only get one of these nights. Let's make it count.

-We got 30 seconds.

Roger that. Let's do this.

-Break a leg, guys.

-Rising up the charts to number one.

-And boom box in 2, 1...

All right, smoke.

Can we get a little more smoke?

-Go, go, go, go, go.

-Heh. That fuck wrote this show.

See, one hit wonderland

isn't exactly a place anyone wants to visit.

But most people that have success

wind up getting a free one-way ticket.

One hit wonders have been around

since the first caveman banged two rocks together,

but they took off like never before in the eighties.

-Rock me, amadeus.

-Go, go, go, go, go.

-With the nineties came cd,

and then a whole lot more classics like this one.

Yo, vip, let's kick it.

-Word to your mother.

-Heck, one hit wonders are even around in the Internet age.

Right, guys?

Do the Harlem shake.

-Oh, please no.

-Next up here at the grantwood lounge,

baz Paisley.

-Sorry, I don't play "sex me gently" anymore.

Not on the set list tonight, folks.

-Yo, Nicky. Was I as late as that felt

on that last pelvic thrust, 'cause...

-I found out.

-Oh, Chloe, huh. Who was it?

-Jc chasez.

-Uh! Uh-uh.

Ooh, I would've figured her for a backstreet girl.

-Nice.

-You okay?

-Yeah. I'm the one who broke up with her.

-Of course, of course.

You thought things were moving way too quickly.

-Dude, she wanted to move in.

-The only reason you're tripping

about moving in with each other

is because she's so far out of your league.

-Oh, thanks.

-You know what I'm saying.

You break her heart first before she breaks yours.

And the funny thing is

y'all been making goo-goo eyes at each other

for the last year.

We're all sick of it.

Everybody's waiting on you to bust a move.

-She just fucked the other guy from 'nsync.

-I get that, but she was wasted.

She probably hadn't had any good dick since you.

-Did you just compliment my dick?

-I did.

-Thank you. -You are welcome.

Look, you gotta put yourself out there, man.

For real.

Oh, crank this. This is my jam.

You gotta to pull the trigger.

-No, no, no, no.

-Mwah. Huh?

-Bust a move.

-Old school, old school.

Here we go.

-Five, six,

five, six, seven, eight.

-Could I have the walkie-talkie back?

-Show 'em how it's done.

-Oh, my god.

-What you got?

-Uh.

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh, uh...

Oh! Whoa!

-Whoa. -Hey.

-Hey, Nick. -That was charging.

-Hey, Ron. Hey, man. -Hey.

-Listen, i am kind of looking

to take things up a notch tonight.

You holding anything?

-What do you mean?

-Like oxys, bennies, zanibars?

-Oh, drugs? No, no, no, no.

I don't do drugs.

When I want to get high, i just take in the energy,

the excitement and the talent of everybody backstage,

including yours, Mickey.

-Fuck you, Ron. -Have a great show.

-Ladies, you holding anything? Oxys?

- Hey, Brooke?

You ready to rock? -Yeah, yeah.

Let's just walk the plank and get it over with, shall we?

-Wow. Motivational and inspirational.

- Oh!

-Oh, my god! Brooke?

-It was an accident. It was an accident.

-Jesus. Brooke, Brooke, are you okay?

Brooke? Brooke, can you hear me?

God damn it, Ron, what the fuck happened?

-I was bringing the chopstick back, you know,

to do the "turning Japanese" number.

Somebody called my name and I turned around.

-Wait. Brooke's dead, too?

-No. -What happened?

-What? She's not dead. Just calm down.

Alex, we need the medic backstage stat.

You got it.

-Aw, fuck, is that blood?

-Oh, no, no. I actually just dropped

a bucket of fake soy sauce. -Oh, thank god.

-Yeah, good thing it wasn't real soy sauce

or we'd be in a very sticky situation.

-I will choke you. Do you hear me?

I'll fucking strangle you

until you're fucking dead, okay?

-Point taken. -Move. Move.

I'm here. Hey, Brooke?

Brooke, can you hear me?

Oh. Okay, she's breathing.

-Oh, thank you. Oh, John 3:16.

-Thank god.

-Follow my finger with your eyes.

-Oh, boy.

-Just with your eyes, not your head.

Okay, that's not better.

No, this is clearly--

-oh...

-Okay, she has a concussion, so let's get her to her room.

-Okay. -Little help here.

-Sorry. I can't help in my condition.

-Three days, Monica. Three days.

-No, no, no. Come on!

Who's responsible for this shit?

-It was an accident, Mr. goldmeyer.

I don't think anyone saw what happened.

-Oh, really?

Well, I could give a steaming pile

of fucking tiny dancer's shit here, you understand?

I want names.

-Then it was me.

-Oh. -No.

It's okay, Nick.

Uh, it was me.

Hi, Mr. goldmeyer. Ron Burke, props.

I actually knocked her unconscious

with a giant chopstick,

'cause I was never good with chopsticks, you know.

-You're fired.

-What? No. Wait.

Look, I know it's a lot to take in in the moment.

Maybe we just take a deep, cleansing breath and just--

-get the fuck out of my face!

-Totally trust your judgment. Great call. Bye-bye.

-Who is this fucking asshole?

Nick, you and your job exist

so that shit like this doesn't happen!

-I know. I'm sorry.

-Well...

Fuck!

We got no choice. Get the understudy ready.

-But it's opening night.

It's like too risky, right?

-Do I pay you for your opinion, beaker?

-Beaker? -Beaker!

He's a muppet with the fucking hair like yours

and ai-ai-ai-ai!

Just get her changed and get her through makeup!

The show goes the fuck on!

-Oh, my god, Nick. Is this really happening?

-It's happening.

-I'm shaking. -Come on.

We don't have a lot of time, gangster Mozart.

Brian, Chloe's filling in for Brooke.

I need her changed and touched up like yesterday.

-Oh, my god, Nick. This is so crazy.

You know, I only signed up to understudy

for the extra pay, right? -I know.

Well, you know, if you want, Brandy knows the role.

-What do you mean? -She could do it.

-I didn't say that I can't do it.

I can't believe you're bringing your own insecurities

into this right now.

-My insecurities?

-Whatever. Stage fright.

-That's ridiculous.

I'm just scared-- for you.

-Projecting.

-Brian, could you shut the fuck up?

-No, he's actually right.

Ever since brasilia closed,

I haven't heard you sing not once, not even karaoke.

-But that was a choice.

I stopped performing because I was sick of it.

You want to know the truth?

Musicals suck, okay?

This whole industry is a joke.

I mean not...Not...

-Wow. Thanks.

-Alex, what's your 20?

Wow, I need you to get Chloe to her--

to Brooke's mark five minutes ago.

-You got it.

-Thanks for the great pep talk.

-You're only a one hit wonder until your second hit.

-I can't take it anymore!

-Don't fuck it up.

-You've got this, baby girl.

You got this. -Thanks, babe.

-Go. Go, bitch.

Well, it all comes down to this.

Goodbye, world.

Goodbye, life.

Whatever that magic was

that allowed me to write "sex me gently,"

I lost it years ago.

It's not fair to give a person so much

just to take it away.

It's just not fair.

One hit wonders are trapped in a jail called the past,

and it's a life sentence.

There's no escape except this.

Who are you?

Seriously, tell me.

Who are you?

-No. No, no. No, no, no.

Ai-ai-ai-ai. Talk. Talk.

Just fucking say words. Say words.

-I am the ghost of greatest hits past

and I've come to take you to a place

called one hit wonderland.

One hit wonders are all lame and manufactured,

every single one of them, especially mine.

-Join me, baz. You'll see.

-I'm scared.

-There's nothing to be scared of.

-Okay.

So will you come with me?

-Anywhere.

-Thank you, everybody. Thank you.

-Hey. Just wanted to tell you

you did a great job out there.

-Really?

-Honestly, when I first saw you come out onstage,

I was like, "holy shit.

Girl's gone full blown stalker."

But then you opened your mouth.

Wow.

-Thank you.

-You know, this changes everything.

-Oh? How so?

Oh, you'll see.

-Hey, you-- you were great out there.

-Thank you.

I think it was your words of encouragement

that made all the difference.

-Now what happened?

-I fucked it up like always.

-Cheer up.

I could tell you an inspirational story

that might raise your spirits.

-Okay, what story?

-The one where I power-butt Brandy's boyfriend.

-Wow. Whisk me away.

-So after the dress rehearsal, we all go to Joe Allen's.

So it was me, Brandy, and her fine-ass boyfriend.

-Uh-huh. -We're bullshitting, right?

And I swear to you i was feeling a vibe.

-Oh, like a "do me" vibe.

-Total "do me" vibe. -Right.

-So she goes to the bathroom.

I slide next to him. I'm like, yo.

Are we vibing?

Dude looks at me dead in my face,

grabs my balls, and goes, "let's light this candle."

-Holy shit. -He's poetic, too.

-Oh, yeah, well, obviously.

God, I had no idea he was gay.

-Nick, there's a gay man in all of us.

-Some of us a little further than others.

-Exactly.

So, um, she comes back from the bathroom.

Real sneaky-like he says,

"so are we gonna do this or what?"

I said, "baby, i am hard right now."

And my shit was like, you know what I mean?

-I feel you. You wrapped up?

-Oh, like a hanukkah present.

Shalom. -Word.

-So he's real slick, says he's sick.

He leaves. I wait five minutes.

I follow his ass all the way back to Brandy's apartment.

-You banged Brandy's boyfriend in her apartment?

-Yes, I did.

She walks in on me tapping that ass on the bidet.

-On the bidet. -On the bidet.

Water was flying everywhere.

She came in, slipped--

-wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

The bidet was on?

-Oh, I wouldn't recommend it at a novice level.

-Nickson, bro. Favor.

-Sure.

-Anal whore!

-Bitch, you better watch this face.

I'm on Broadway.

-Why are you telling everybody

that you fucked my boyfriend?

-You know what? I understand why you're in denial.

You obviously weren't fulfilling him sexually,

and I'm a much, much, much,

much, much, much, much...

Much better lover than you.

-I am a fantastic lover.

I am the hottest piece of ass in musical theater,

and I can get any guy i want.

-Okay, but not while I'm around.

-Fine. Fine. Pick any guy.

I will bet you that I can get him to do me before you.

- Oh, you're serious.

Okay. Uh...Xavier.

-The new guy? Isn't he gay?

-Well, early reconnaissance says he's bi,

single and shaved.

-What is there, some kind of underground gay intel network?

-All I know is he's bi.

Fair fight.

-Fine. First one to bang Ricky Martin.

It is on, don Juan.

-You got it, fur burger.

-Ass taxi.

-Dildo diva.

-Butt slut.

-Queef queen.

-Taint tickler. -Jizz junkie.

-Bitch tits. -Fuck bucket.

-Turd burglar.

-Twat waffle.

-Pecker wrecker. -Cum bunny.

-Rundle bundle. -Gwyneth Paltrow.

-Douche nozzle. -Cock pocket.

-Grinder goblin. -Adolph titler.

-Stup-- -hard-on begone.

-Wait a minute. -Neander-whore.

-Something gay. -Pancake nipples.

-Fuck you. They're proportional.

-Hey, man, what's up? -Intermission.

-Mm-hmm. -I want you to make sure

that new star finds her way to my dressing room.

-Oh. Why?

-We should just go over some stuff in the second act,

go over some steps.

You know how clumsy I can be with these size 12s.

Um, jc...

Chloe's special.

She's not like all these other chorus girls, you know.

-Nick.

Look.

One, two, three,

four, five.

-What?

-Okay. You're not onstage anymore,

so, you know, there's no need to sing.

- Please don't encourage him.

Blblblblblbl.

-Should we just wrap it up?

No? Okay.

-Oh, Jesus Christ.

-Oh!

- Great.

-So you got it now.

Chloe, my dressing room, intermission.

-God, I fucking hate Broadway.

Hey.

How we doing, Brooke?

-Aspirin.

-Alex, we got eyes on Lee out there?

Negative. Sorry, Nick.

-It's thumping so hard i want to kill myself.

-Okay. Um...

Oh. Maybe Lee's got something over here in his bag.

-Oh, look at that.

Just take two of these.

Lean forward.

Okay.

And lean back.

Just--we're gonna kind of do it together then.

--Great.

-Hey. Sorry. Got caught watching the show.

You seen Chloe out there? She's some kind of star.

-Oh. Cool.

Look, Brooke was complaining about her headache,

so I gave her some of the aspirin from your jacket.

-My jacket? -Yeah.

-Nick, those are ecstasy!

-Ecstasy? -Shh!

-Lee, you're the fucking stage med.

What are you doing with a bottle of ecstasy marked aspirin?

-I started clubbing again, okay?

I got to get back out there.

It's the only way I can meet interesting women.

-Interesting women?

-Okay, fine, young women.

But what were you doing going through my jacket?

-Jesus Christ.

-No, no, no, no. We're fine. We're fine.

Just stay calm.

-You know, i only gave her two.

-Two? We're fucked! Brooke!

-Brooke, how you doing? -Are you doing better?

-Okay, good. -Good. Okay.

Listen, we're going to need you to throw up.

-You have to upchuck, okay? -What?

-Yeah, it'll make you feel better.

-Just spill. Pull the trigger.

-I don't do that anymore.

-Okay, Brooke, please? Can you just--

-no! -Okay, okay, okay.

Hold her hands. Here's what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna put my hand--

-oh, no! What are you doing?

-We're fine. Brooke, come on.

No, no, I should've washed my fingers.

You're right. You're right. Jesus Christ.

-Okay, we just rufied a Broadway star.

-Uh... -A former Broadway star.

-Keep going.

-Someone who's been on Broadway before.

-She's not gonna die, is she?

-No. No, no. She'll just experience extreme euphoria,

heightened tactile sensory perception,

and maybe some mild hallucinations.

-Wow, when you say it like that,

you almost sound like a real doctor.

Nick, do you have eyes on Lee?

Graham just turned his ankle coming off stage.

-Okay, we got a turned ankle out there.

-Look, I'm on it, but somebody's gotta watch Brooke.

-I'll find someone.

Just try not to drop acid with Graham.

-Too soon, Nick.

Be professional.

-Ron! Oh, Ron, Ron, Ron.

Hey, I need you to look after Brooke for me.

-Mr. goldmeyer fired me.

-Look, if you do this for me right now,

I promise I'll get you back on the show.

-Really? You'd do that for me?

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.

Look, now when she wakes up,

she might be acting a little funny 'cause of the concussion.

-Sure. -That's normal.

Just the important thing to remember is

don't let her out of the room, okay?

Under no circumstances, Ron,

does Brooke leave this room.

Do you understand?

-You can count on me, Nick.

I will not let you down.

-I really want to believe that, Ron.

-I want to believe it, too.

-Okay, here's my walkie-talkie.

Call me if there's any problem, okay?

- Awesome.

-Nick, Nick, Nick. I remember.

-I'm in a real hurry. -I remember.

I remember, I remember, i remember.

-You remember what? -Brasilia.

That's the show i saw you in, yes?

-Yeah.

-I know it closed opening night,

but I just wanted to tell you it was really, really great.

You were singing. You were dancing.

You were doing your thing, man.

But then I didn't understand what you were saying so much.

I used to not speak English good as I do now.

-That's our best review yet.

-So why you no performing no more?

-Um...

Look, Xavier, shouldn't you be warming up?

-It's not too much-- sorry.

Everybody on standby for jc's quick change.

-Yo, xavy.

-Ow.

-Oop. Sorry. Did I hurt you just now?

-No, no, it's fine. It's just my hamstring.

It's a little angry.

-For real? -Yeah.

-Oh, hamstring.

You know I'm a licensed physical therapist, don't you?

Nice and easy.

Okay.

So I was thinking

maybe we could get a drink after the show tonight.

-You mean the cast party?

-Yeah, like a cast party for two.

-Ooh. Your hand.

-Yeah?

-It's on my taint.

-Oh, that's exactly where it's supposed to be.

It helps the stretch.

-I don't think i need more stretch.

-All right, I'll call you later to finalize those plans.

Don't forget to ice.

- Oh, crash and burn.

No survivors.

-Oh, but look.

They found the little black box.

What's it say?

That Malcolm survived

because he used his big, black cock as a flotation device.

Boonk. -Go fuck yourself.

- Is that me?

-Yep. You're about to lose your virginity.

-Well, please, can we just stop the flashback?

-You have such hatred for one hit wonders,

but there's something here you must see.

-Why won't you go to prom with me?

-I'm already going with Kyle Masterson.

-Aw, come on, meagan.

He won't treat you right.

-Chloe. -Nick.

-I wanted to say I'm sorry about earlier.

-You were really trying to psych me out.

-Look, you were right, okay?

I was scared.

Maybe because of my previous experience,

maybe because of the stress of the night. But...

You've gotta know

I would never deliberately sabotage you or the show.

-All right.

You know, this isn't even what I wanted.

-Friends?

-Yeah. Friends.

-Chloe, let's adjust that top real quick.

-Oh, bazzy, you're so romantic.

-With all the money and the fame,

I forgot why I originally wrote that song.

It was for love.

-Hey, Brooke, how are you?

-Hi.

-Hi. Um, hello.

-Oh, my, that's... That's--that's nice.

-This? -Feels so good.

-It's nothing. -It's like light.

-Good, good, good, good.

Oh, my god.

Whoa. Wow.

-Should--do you want me to wait outside?

-No, no, no. I want to feel your shape.

-Okay. My shape?

-Yeah. That's amazing.

-What? -It's like a perfect orb.

-You know, I don't have a swimmer's body, but--

-swimming, yeah. I want some water.

Can I have some water?

-Yes, good idea, actually, you know.

A little bit of water here. You just...

-Oh, that's nice. That's nice.

-Oh, no, no, no. You get it--

-like a gently flowing stream, like a babbling brook.

Like a babbling brook.

That's my name.

Like Brooke, like my name. -Yeah.

-Come on, let's--

-I'm feeling a little scared.

-Oh, my gosh.

-What are you doing?

-I got to float. Will you float with me, Ron?

-Sure. Okay, yeah.

I don't know if I'm following the whole thing.

-Have you ever done the butterfly?

It's a really hard stroke.

-Nick, I think we got a problem.

-What is this? This is a little bit much.

-Just keep that on. Keep that on.

No, no, no, no, no.

-Let's go. -Okay, Brooke, I'm sorry.

Shit!

Nick, Nick! Come in. Come in.

-What's wrong? -Uh, okay.

Um...Brooke is gone.

-What happened? -Check this out.

She strips down to her bra and panties, right?

She's trying to seduce me.

-We don't have time for this.

We need to find her. Alex, what's--

Jesus Christ.

Brooke's missing. Find Lee.

Start looking.

You check wardrobe and crafty.

He checks bathrooms and dressing rooms.

Ron, you're on everything else. Let's do it. Brooke!

Nick, I'm going to check the lobby out here.

-Have you seen Brooke? -No.

-Is Brooke missing?

-Just remain calm for once.

-I'm an emotional person. It's who I am.

-Hey, buddy.

Little bird said there was some ecstasy floating around here.

-Not now, Mickey.

Brooke!

Move. Move, move, move.

Anything? -No, no sign of her.

-No one's seen her. -I got nothing.

-Shit. Where haven't we checked?

-Oh, outside.

-Right now, that would be our best case scenario.

The pit.

-Brooke is in the elevator. I'm going to miss my cue.

-Brooke.

Brooke, please. You got to get out of there.

Come on. Come on.

-It feels so good.

-You're rolling on ecstasy.

-I feel like I'm 25 again.

I'm about to go out onstage for the very first time.

I remember that feeling.

Optimism.

Optimism.

Your whole career ahead of you,

like an arrow shooting straight up.

Do you remember that feeling?

-I do.

But I also remember the feeling

that comes right after that, Brooke.

A giant fucking arrow pointing straight down.

Brooke. Come on, come on.

-What are you doing?

What are you doing?

-Fuck.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Brooke, hit the button. Hit the button.

Hit it!

-You're stealing my thunder!

-Um...

Uh...

Can you just-- thank you.

Fuck!

Man; Oh!

-Ghost, uh...

What the hell was that?

-Uh, there's always a few glitches

while traveling through flashbacks.

Totally normal.

Back to the music, shall we?

-Come on.

-Nick, are you okay? What the hell was that?

-That was Brooke. She's--

Brooke is gonna ruin the show.

-What the dick was that?

-Brooke was-- we--we--we gave--

--i was going--

-what, were you having a stroke?

What, are you trying to reclaim your 15 minutes of fame?

-You are trying to sabotage the show.

-Sabotage? No, I was trying to save the show.

-You're just lucky Nick lachey

is quick on his feet with the improv out there.

And you, you, young lady, are a goddamn star.

-Thank you, sir. -One more fuckup out of you

and you're going to be stage managing shows

down in Tijuana where donkeys fuck humans.

Donkeys penetrating human beings.

You coordinating the whole thing.

Great job, everybody! Keep up the good work!

That's what I'm talking about!

-That's 15 minutes for intermission, everybody.

-What's wrong with you, Nick?

-What's wrong with me?

-You broke up with me, you know,

and I've been totally cool about it,

completely cool about it.

Then you psych me out before I go onstage, now this.

-Okay. I'm so sorry that I'm ruining--

-i don't have time for your bullshit.

I've got to go to jc's room to rehearse.

-Oh, yeah. Go rehearse with jc.

We all know what that means.

Just make sure he doesn't rehearse

all over that new costume of yours.

-You're an asshole.

-Fuck.

All right, everybody.

That's 15 minutes for intermission.

-Xavier.

Xavier, hey.

Can you come and help me with this quick change?

-Is Brian available?

-No, Brian no available.

Thank you so much.

I just always have so much trouble

with this quick change,

so I'm just going to take that off.

If you could help me with that.

-Are you stuck?

-No, no. No, I'm not stuck.

You know what? Can you just undo my bra for me please?

Oh, wow, you are so quick on the trigger.

-De nada. -Okay, no, no, no.

No, where are you going?

-I need to practice my next steps because I so new.

-No, no, you're not going anywhere

until you tell me what you think.

-Of what? -Of these big old titties.

-What are you doing? This is-- -oh, god, I'm so hot, right?

It's like raw, sexual tension just--

-whoa, I'm feeling something.

-Yeah, I feel it, too. I feel it, too, baby.

-No, I think I feel how you say a...Lump.

-A lump? A lump of what?

-Yeah, like maybe a cancer lump or something

here on your left boobie.

-What? Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Oh, I've never felt that before.

-Probably it's nothing.

But it's also probably very serious.

You should get this checked out.

-Hey, man, is Chloe in there?

-Yeah, but she might be a while.

You know they hooked up last night, right?

-I think that was just kind of a one-time thing.

-I don't know, man. Jc's always been a pimp.

I hear he got to all the girls on the Mickey mouse club first.

Britney, Christina, keri Russell,

Ryan gosling's mom.

-Hey, Nicky. What's up, guy?

-Hey. I just wanted to check in on your act two cues.

There's that one that you kept missing in rehearsal.

-Yes, before "come, baby, come."

I got it now.

Thanks for the heads up.

-Sure.

-Anything else?

-I guess not.

-All right then.

Bye-bye-bye.

Bye-bye!

-Nicky.

-What are you doing with--

what is that, duct tape, industrial lubricant?

Is that a 12 pack of scented plug-ins?

-Just being inventive, man, you know.

Desperate times.

10 minutes left in intermission, everyone.

10 minutes. Enjoy.

I'm such a cornball.

-Hey, what's so funny?

- Oh, it's funny.

Oh, god, you're serious.

Oh. You mean this actually works for you?

-This works 100% of the time.

-I'm--I'm really sorry,

because it's just not-- not doing it for me.

-Because you have no soul

and you don't like awesome, awesome music?

- No.

No, really. I appreciate the gesture,

but this is just not my thing, you know.

-Your thing.

Enlighten me.

-Really?

Okay, well, first of all, any one

of like the million girls that you ever sung that to

only went for it because you're jc chasez.

That's it.

Second, will you look at this room?

We're like sitting in a shrine to you.

Your whole thing is just like, such a smokescreen.

-Okay.

Thank you for the life lessons, chorus girl.

-I'm sorry. Jc, listen, I get it.

Rejection is hard... For everyone.

But if I may please tell you

that if you ever want a real relationship

with anybody that's worthwhile,

you're gonna have to cut the bullshit.

-Yeah, I do want that.

-Then you gotta be willing to be vulnerable.

You have to be willing

to fall like flat on your face sometimes, you know.

You have to like strike out.

-I gotta strike out more.

-Please.

-You mean like serenading you

like a douchebag.

- Yes.

Let's call that one strike one.

-Deal. Or, oh, this beautiful thing here.

-Mm-hmm. That's definitely strike two.

-Perfect. Okay. I'm swinging hard, huh?

How about I'm coming right down the middle.

-Okay.

-I'm the other guy from 'nsync.

Nobody cares anymore,

so I bullshit, because...

That's what bullshitters do.

Never gonna get what I really want.

I'm never gonna get someone amazing like you.

Strike three, I know.

-No.

No.

No, that was actually a base hit.

-You should go first.

Hang on. Hey.

-Hey.

-What's, uh, going on in there?

-Nothing. We just had a really nice conversation.

-Oh, okay. Did he tell you

that god must've spent a little more time on you?

-No, he invited me to the Hamptons with him, though.

-What? -Yeah.

-What did you say?

-I told him that i would think about it.

-Seriously?

-Yeah.

You know, he really opened up to me.

Just really nice when a man has the balls

to put himself out there.

-Oh, okay. -Mm-hmm.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-Look, is there something that you want to say to me, Nick?

I didn't think so.

-No. Nope.

No.

-Hey, rim job.

Any late breaking developments?

-Let me think. Oh, there's a rumor going around

that you got titty cancer.

-It's a benign fibrocystic mass.

Anyway, I was just coming in here to offer my condolences.

-Condolences for what?

-Losing the contest.

See, I'm about to take Xavier down,

and I am pulling out all the stops.

-Well, I would love to see you in action.

-Genie gonna Grant your wish, motherfucker.

- Oh.

-Hey, Xavier.

Hit it, bitches.

-Oh, you're gonna want to sit down for this.

But you, you're special.

-Ooh, did you like that?

Do it now.

-Getting horny now.

-Okay, miss Teddy, let's do this.

-Buckle up, beeyotch. Ready, ladies?

-Whoo!

Come on, come on.

-You like how that tastes?

-Well, who's it gonna be, guy?

-I don't know what to say.

-Do the right thing and pick me.

-Do the wrong thing and pick me.

It's much hotter.

-I must admit, at first I was like

creeped out by you guys, like a lot.

-Well, thank you.

-But now with the singing and the dancing,

I mean, that was really, really nice.

Do I have to choose right now here?

-Yes, you have to choose right now, right here.

-Okay, well, you both were amazing,

but I think in the end i must choose...

Malcolm.

-Fuck! Why?

Why him and not me?

-You're too mean and pushy.

-Don't worry. We'll video it and you can watch.

-Aw. -Brandy.

Brandy, come back. -What are you guys doing?

We're back in 30 seconds. Get in costume.

Places, places everybody.

Power up the smoke machine.

Start bringing down the house lights.

-Mickey, what are you doing? Get to the pit.

-Okay.

Let's get turned up.

-"Here lies baz Paisley.

He only had one hit."

I knew it.

-But it is that very fear

that is making this your destiny.

-What do you mean?

-You're so frightened you may never have another hit,

it actually stopped you from writing one.

You see, sometimes when we want something so bad,

we push it away

because we can't stand the thought

of reaching for it and failing.

-What's happening?

-Our time together is over, baz.

-You can't leave. I need you.

-Remember, one hit wonders are trapped in the past.

But the future,

the future is yet to be written.

- No.

That's a wrap

on the ghost of greatest hits past.

10 minutes to curtain call.

-My costume fits you nicely.

-Oh, Brooke, hi.

How are you feeling?

-Like there's a black hole in my brain

and it keeps expanding.

-So it's true?

-Yeah, Nick club-drugged me

and now I'm trapped in a room with a babysitter.

-Yeah, just keeping the vibe kind of mellow, jazzy.

-God, it's like he's trying to make this night

a complete disaster, you know.

-Well, I hope you're enjoying the spotlight.

-Come on, you'll be in this costume tomorrow.

-Don't patronize me.

I used to be an ing�nue once.

Now look at your future.

-I just think you're just having a bad night.

-Try a bad decade.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, "I'm never gonna end up like Brooke treme."

-No.

-You will one day eventually.

The tide rolls in.

You're all washed up.

I hope you enjoyed tonight, brown eyes.

'Cause tonight's the best it's gonna get.

-Hey! Are you working for the electrical crew now?

-Huh?

-Well, every time you go out there,

you light up the stage.

Oh, hey, by the way,

I hope you enjoyed the view in that dressing room,

'cause tomorrow night, that's gonna be yours.

-You're firing Brooke?

-Well, I prefer to call it shit-canning, but, yeah.

We're putting that cow out to pasture,

and I did say cow.

We're having steak tonight!

What, come to wag your shit-covered dick in my face?

Look, I get it. I lost everything.

-You didn't lose everything.

-I lost the competition,

I lost my kind of boyfriend,

and I definitely lost whatever it was

that made men attracted to me in the first place.

I have to tell you something.

-What?

-Xavier's gay.

-You said he was bi.

-Like really gay.

Like Nathan Lane...

Fellating Neal Patrick Harris...

At the Tony's gay.

-Is that true? -Totally.

-I feel really bad about how hard I was on you,

so I'd like to make it up to you.

I'd like for you to join Xavier and me

in a threesome.

-You don't mean that. -No, I mean it. I do.

-Really?

-It's the mature thing to do.

-And you think that I'm hot enough?

-Let's ask a straight guy.

Brian?

-Yo, what's happening?

-Area code this bitch.

-Feeling generous.

617.

-I'll take it. -You'll take it?

-Mm-hmm.

-All right.

-So that's it.

You're actually going away with him?

-I'm not.

I'm quitting the show.

-What?

-I'm leaving New York for good.

-Wait. You're... You're quitting everything?

-This night was supposed to be the most important night for me

and I just...

I just saw where things were headed.

Do you want to know when I was the happiest?

Back when I was a chorus girl and we were together

and it was just the two of us

eating shitty late-night pizza after the show

and just going to karaoke with Malcolm.

That was enough for me,

but I guess that wasn't enough for you.

-No, it was.

-Why'd you end it?

-I just--i thought that...

Maybe we were moving a little--

-moving fast?

Nick, I wanted to move in after four years together.

You got stage fright.

But I get it. That's your thing.

You know what?

I'm gonna do you a favor

and I'll be the one to put myself out there.

I still love you.

-You want me to say i love you?

I mean, I do.

-You just...

You know...

You only get what you give.

-Am I supposed to sing back to you or something?

I don't--

-Nick, I promise you.

I promise that if you open up, you won't get hurt, okay?

-I just...

I--i don't know what you want.

-No, you don't.

I guess you never will.

I gotta go say goodbye to everybody.

-Wait. You're not even going to stay

for your curtain call?

Chloe, this is your shot.

You're just going to throw it away?

-I learned from the best.

Nick, where are you?

Nick, what's your 20?

Not a great time for a coffee break. Nick?

Alex, one of the lighting cables

for the closing number is out.

-Okay, boss.

-Is it true Chloe's quitting the show?

-Alex, i sweat through again.

My nips are showing.

I can't go onstage like this. My dad's in the front row.

-Guys, stress like this can cause premature labor.

-Okay.

Everybody, calm the fuck down!

Eric, life is dramatic.

So do what everybody else does and pop a Xanax, huh?

Brian, Debbie needs a costume switch stat.

And Monica, i vote republican,

but I will personally abort your would-be baby

if it means you'll stop talking about it every five seconds!

Well? Go!

-Come on.

-Yo.

You know they're looking for you in there, right?

-Chloe's quitting the show.

-Wait, what?

-She's quitting because of me.

-Well, go get her.

-I tried. It's too late.

-So what, that's--that's it?

-Did you know this show's about me?

A loser who had one shot and blew it.

-Ahh. Not brazilia again.

Baby, you got to get over that shit.

-How? Everything that's wrong in my life

can be traced back to that one night.

-Do you know how many shows close opening night?

I know. I've been there.

Yes, it knocks you down,

but you got to get your ass back up and get to steppin'.

-No, Malcolm. That was my shot.

-Take another shot.

You're only a one hit wonder until your next hit, right?

-I'd fuck it up.

That's what I do.

I--i fuck everything up!

-Yes, okay?

You fucked up way worse than--

you fucked up so much,

ain't nothing left to fuck up.

I'm so sick of you, man.

I'm sick of you always feeling sorry for yourself.

I'm sick of you never wanting to take chances.

It's a--ha.

I was going to say it's a shitty way to live life,

but you don't really live life, do you?

You a punk, man.

Fucking punk.

Nick, Mr. goldmeyer's pretty pissed off.

Goddammit, Nick!

Where the fuck are you--

-whoa! Where the fuck are you going?

-You got it.

-You! Yeah!

I can't do that.

-What'd you think?

-A little pitchy.

-Well, yeah, I'm out of practice.

-That's my man.

-One, two,

one, two, three.

Come on, bitches!

-Fuck you!

-I'm okay.

-I'm liking it.

-Mammy's looking down on me from space.

-You mean heaven?

-I mean space. -Oh, shit.

-Oh, my god.

That was amazing.

-That's the best review I've had in years.

Ready for the encore?

-Wow. You guys are amazing.

I mean, a pleasure to watch.

-He grabs my balls and he says

-the understudy?

-I'm sorry.

I forgot you have a learning disability.

Let me help you out.

-I can't do it. I'm sorry.

-I'm never like this. I swear to god.

-How are you feeling?

-Like there's a black hole in my brain

that sounds like a phone.

-Nobody respects you because you wear your headset

like a fucking tiara.

-I don't even have my headset on.

- Oh!

That's all, man.

-Nice.

-I want to sex you...

But I want to sex you gently.

Saxophone!