Original subtitles

(FIREWORKS EXPLODING)

(CAR ENGINES RUMBLING)

Oh, shit.

Is this the... Is this the right site?

Yes, honey. It's site 16, like always.

Yo, Tommy, what's going on?

Will you call me "Dad"?

POPS: Franklin? Yeah?

Are you sure you booked this for us? Absolutely.

I booked the last available site.

I got the permit right here.

Site 16, July 4th weekend.

Felipa. (SPEAKING SPANISH)

I just think that there's been a little bit of a mix-up, Papi, so...

Buenas tardes, amigos! Word, bitches.

Who you calling a bitch?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Just trying to break up the racial tension here, that's all.

Might've hit "bitch" a little hard.

A little bit. Yeah.

So, what's going on?

Pretty sure we booked this site for the weekend.

No, no. We're the Jones family. Yeah.

We booked site 16.

(CHUCKLES) Well, now, we're the Jonas family and this is our site.

Son, we're site 16. No.

ALL: We're site 16.

You guys might be 116, but we're definitely 16.

It's right here on the paper, okay?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Uno, dos, tres, quatro... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Spanish level two, sweetheart, that's nice. This is 16.

I don't know how that is. We're 16.

Yeah, I know, but we're site 16.

Sixteen, man. Come on. Hold on.

So, Jones, Jonas, and our last name is Jones, too.

Well, there's the mix-up.

What y'all trying to say, y'all our masters or something?

No, no, not saying that. I barely even own a cat.

Site 16!

Wait a minute!

Hold up!

Hey, guys, maybe you're 2,000 and 3,000.

But we're definitely 16. It says here on the paper.

We're also site 16!

(CONTINUE ARGUING)

Okay, so, it looks like the name Jones

kind of mixed up the computers.

And, uh, unfortunately, that's a big problem,

because the park is completely sold out.

I mean, this is, like, our biggest weekend of the year.

Hey, maybe it's because it's the Fourth of July.

Um, yeah, well, you know, we think that that's a factor.

Come on, you guys. Please, please, please, let's not escalate this.

How about sharing the site?

(ALL PROTESTING)

Everyone stop!

Ron Ron, you just gonna stand there

and let them push us around like that?

No, no, I won't let that happen, okay?

Let me tell you something.

I will have Jesse Jackson down here on a moped,

with Al Sharpton in the sidecar.

Okay? 'Cause they love that type of shit.

Ooh! It just escalated.

Yeah.

That definitely escalated,

which was the exact opposite of what he was hoping you would do.

Sir, if sharing the site is the only option, then...

This weekend is important. I say we all just share the site.

Son, are you out of your damn mind?

Come on, Pop. I'm just saying, there's kids here...

Yeah, but we're not gonna share the site with you.

(ALL ARGUING)

There's not... There's not enough space!

Papi, are we gonna have to go home?

CHARLIE: Okay. Okay, so...

So, maybe we can share.

Yes!

All right, so, we're all gonna share.

And it's gonna be great!

All right. Little bit of a rough start,

but this weekend's gonna be great.

Yeah, I hope so.

You know, this is the first time we've all been together

since you and I got married.

I just want your kids to like my kids, and my kids to like you.

There's no reason we can't be one big, happy family.

That speech sucked.

Sucked balls.

Wow. Yeah, yeah, he's right.

It came off really whiny.

I can't believe that we're brothers.

Hey, Gravy, why don't you take these over to the campsite?

No, my hands are full. I gotta go, I gotta...

Hey, Thomas, did you unpack my turtle shells?

Yeah, here.

Can you call me "Dad"?

Not right now.

Thanks, Tommy.

Hey, guys, check out my new turtle shells!

Give it time, honey.

Oh! Do you think you can get Sharni to stop calling me "Fake Mom"?

She doesn't call you "Fake Mom."

Are you doing that? You're doing that?

Yeah, no, no. I'll try.

Thank you. Okay.

Man! Sharing this site was a crap idea, Felipa.

We're doing this for Papi's birthday.

Just try to hold it together for him.

You think maybe we'll see Papi smile for once in his damn life?

(SIGHS) He works hard, and he worries about us.

What, he can't worry and smile at the same time?

Hey, I bet you if Papi ever did smile, his face would creak.

Sound like a nail being pulled from wood.

(IMITATES CREAKING)

We'd probably hear his face go, "Oil can! Oil can!"

Ha, ha, ha.

Maybe he would smile more

if you stopped goofing around and went to work for Rolando.

As a plumber?

Uh, no, Felipa. That's a living nightmare.

It's honest work.

Anyways, look, it doesn't even matter.

Wachale, one day, I'm gonna be a millionaire.

Oh! You gonna win the lottery?

Won't win if I don't scratch.

Plus, I'm gonna get my ass on Shark Tank,

make Mark Cuban my new best friend. (CHUCKLES)

Well, when you become a millionaire,

maybe you could pay me back the 75 bucks I loaned you.

Ah! Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, you're gonna have to fill out

all kinds of paperwork and taxes and stuff.

Might not be worth it, bro, so, probably not.

Hey, did you leave the car open?

I did.

Did you see Fake Mom telling me how to unpack,

like she's the boss of me or something?

Sharni, you shouldn't call her "Fake Mom."

I am glad that Dad remarried.

He's much happier, which keeps him off of my ass.

I think she's great for him.

Yeah, well, Fake Mom says you drink too much, too.

Fake Mom can blow my balls. She said that?

Yeah.

That's bullshit.

Is that a 24-hour Popeyes Chicken?

No. That's a porta potty.

I love chickens.

More than you.

Screw off.

(KIDS BICKERING) (GRUNTING)

Y'all kids keep it down over there

with your Pokemon GO- playing selves!

Girl, you so crazy.

Girl, I am so tired of running around after kids.

I need this vacation.

It's beautiful here.

It is, ain't it?

Honey, you gonna like my brother Franklin.

All I got to say is,

is hold off on having kids for as long as you can.

'Cause they will suck the life out of you.

I mean, it's like sticking a vacuum cleaner in a pumpkin, just...

(IMITATES SUCKING)

What'd you say, Mama?

Just suck it all... Huh? Huh?

Baby, nothing. Mama loves you. Go on. Go play.

Wait. Hold up.

Are you saying you invited me as some kind of blind date for Franklin?

Girl, no, no, no!

We enjoy your company.

Girl, 'cause I was about to...

But it is a blind date.

Hey, Jose, can you get those oranges?

Are you kidding, Felipa?

No, I can't give the other families the satisfaction

of watching a Mexican carry a bag of oranges.

Like I'm selling them on the side of the street.

Okay, are you serious?

God, you sound crazy.

Hey, excuse me!

How much do you want for those oranges?

Beat it, pendejo!

Oh, crap. Angry.

Hey, Paco, you got any roses over there?

Who asked you, Oprah?

(CLINKING)

Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'll take that one.

(CLINKING)

Hey, what is that?

In your bag.

(CLATTERING)

Yup, that. What's...

Recycled glass sculpture.

My exhibit. It's next week.

What? You have an exhibit?

It's called

"The Exhibit."

Oh, at least there's some chicas calientes to stare at.

Jose! What if Francesca heard you say that?

She ain't here.

And we ain't married.

Besides, just 'cause I'm on a diet

doesn't mean I can't look at the menu.

You mean stare at the menu.

Tuck dollar bills into that menu.

I mean, come on!

Man, she's got so much wiggle in her walk,

she could butt dial a rotary phone.

ROLANDO: I heard them talking.

I guess she came as a blind date for that Franklin guy.

Word? Word.

What? What'd you just say?

Are you all right? No!

No, no, I'm not all right.

Listening to you two talk would make anybody sick.

Men are idiots.

Blind date, bullshit.

Don't let her call you that.

She's talking to you, too, pendejo.

Is our sister on her menopause or what?

Ah! The Jones family!

To Jones! Whoa!

Kids are everywhere.

Hey, I really hope you guys like the park, man.

I don't know what happened with this mix-up.

I know I booked the last available site.

What changed your mind about coming with us this year, son?

What?

I love camping.

All this is me, Pops.

Come on, Franklin. Come on, brother. That's bullshit, okay?

Now, I hope you know this is not online camping.

It's actually the real thing.

And I hope you know this won't be an online fist in your face.

It'll be the real thing.

You know something? I'm tired of your shit. Ron Ron!

Stop it. You leave your brother alone.

Sorry, Daddy.

He's gotta dress correct. He's a district attorney now.

And he's working his way up.

He might be mayor one day.

I don't know about mayor, Pop.

And this weekend, we have a fine young woman with us.

Shantaysia.

Who's Shantaysia? Listen, son.

Beautiful woman like that on your side, no telling how far you can go.

From DA to mayor. Commander-in-chief.

(SNIFFING) You smell that?

There's romance in the air.

Y'all smell these potties? Damn! I smell something.

But I didn't wanna say nothing,

'cause I kinda thought it was...

(INAUDIBLE)

Sorry, Daddy.

(PANTING)

Is that Justin Bieber?

Is that guy naked?

You wish.

Is that dumpster on fire?

Oh, my gosh. Is that Charles Bronson?

What's in the bottle?

Communion. Right.

So, you're some creepy drunk priest?

I am not a priest.

Listen. Why don't you help Franklin...

No!

...set some things up?

I've gotta go till some soil. Pop!

Shantay... Sharon?

Shantaysia.

Damn, they still doing that?

That's fucked up. Here.

(DOG BARKS)

"Shantaysia."

Come on, what the hell kind of disease is Shantaysia?

Hey, bro, what are you doing? You sleeping in your car?

Until Denali makes a tent.

Bro, you know it's not a real camper. You can't fool me.

You might be able to fool Pops.

But you can't fool me, brother. You're right.

You can never fool me, brother. I don't wanna fool you.

Since I've known you... Snake!

Whoa! Snake! Snake on your shoulder! Snake on your shoulder!

Is it invisible? I don't see nothing!

Where is it? (YELLING) Ron Ron, I'm just...

Ron Ron, I'm just messing with you.

I'm just messing with you!

I'm just messing with you, dawg.

I just, what? I just, what, fooled you?

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

CHUCKIE: Hit those flying bastards!

Chuckie, don't say "bastard."

CHUCKIE: What about "bitch"?

Yeah, that's not...

CHUCKIE: "Ass slurpee"?

No. That... No.

CHUCKIE: "Ass waffle"! Not great.

CHUCKIE: "Bitch taco"? Don't love it.

CHUCKIE: "Shit slurpee"? No.

CHUCKIE: "Craptalker." I don't... No.

CHUCKIE: "Assbutch"? I don't... Not a fan.

CHUCKIE: You love "tit chicken." Tell me that. No, I don't love that.

I kinda like that. I don't love the word "tit."

CHUCKIE: Come on now. "Dick dog"?

Definitely not "dick."

CHUCKIE: "Ass lick"? No.

CHUCKIE: "Slurpee"? No.

CHUCKIE: "Shit slurpee"! No.

What else you got? CHUCKIE: Bastards!

Mmm... Mmm.

You know what, "bastard" is fine.

It's... It's passable.

Yeah.

CHUCKIE: Hey, everybody, look! (BARKING)

I made Ocho into a turtle dog!

It's the fifth Ninja Turtle, Taco Bello.

ROLANDO: Ha, ha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's totally funny, man. Now take it off.

CHUCKIE: I can't.

It's superglued.

(DRUNKEN SINGING)

Is that Tejano?

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Now this is what I'm talking about.

Jazz on the stereo, cozy fire.

Dad, look, no offense,

but this old-ass music make me wanna put a gun to my head and shoot it!

(CHUCKLES) Give me a sec.

I'm gonna go get a gun.

Ha! Good one, Pop.

When? (LAUGHTER)

When? When?

When? When what?

I don't even know. What?

No, no, no.

You said someday someone's gonna have an intervention on you.

I'm curious. When?

She wasn't... I mean...

When? What is she talking about?

Wait, what?

I love that show Intervention. What is she talking about?

I'm camping with my son and my daughter, we're having a good time.

The wieners, you know.

I don't know where this is even coming from.

My brother's coherent, and...

I love it here.

It's great. (BURPS) This is fabulous.

Yeah, it...

Until I hear things about interventions.

When might this intervention be happening?

What's she talking about, Dad?

Son... Uh...

When this wiener is done.

When will it be done?

Yeah, when will it be done?

Well, let me just tell you that interventions are not cool.

They sprung one on a buddy of mine once

and I'm pretty sure he stabbed a bunch of his mom's cats.

The vet probably had a really good night that night,

when all those cats got stabbed.

One of these days, I'm gonna be so rich,

I'll be able to rent this whole damn park out.

Maybe then Papi will smile.

Oh, hey.

I just had my best million-dollar idea yet.

It's a soft drink, but for dogs.

It's called Pupsi.

What?

Pupsi!

Pepsi's not gonna let you get away with that.

What are they gonna do, sue me?

Yeah. Out your ass.

♪ That's a bad idea called Pupsi ♪

But you know what? I like your horn idea.

Andale, right? Hey, Pops. Yeah.

Did I tell you about my horn idea?

Yeah, yeah, yeah? Esperame.

What stupid horn idea?

(GUITAR STRUMMING)

Pops, I'm gonna make these horns that say stuff.

Okay, so, like, let's say the car in front of you

doesn't go when the light turns green, right?

You tap it and the horn goes... "Umm..."

You know, like instead of just a honk, "Hey, move it, fucker!"

It's more like,

"So, the light is kind of green."

And then of course, you can get

a second one that says, "Fuck you, cabron."

Like, if somebody cuts you off,

or say you don't like somebody.

My horn's gonna go, "I'm a rich bastard!"

(LAUGHS) What do you think, Pops?

Man.

You fools have no vision.

Hey, what about that?

What? It's just hot dogs on a rake, fool.

That's your million-dollar idea right there.

Yeah?

Nope.

(GUITAR STRUMMING)

♪ Pupsi...

Who made y'all the DJ of site 16?

Turn that shit down, okay?

We're trying to hear old-ass jazz over here.

(FRANKLIN LAUGHING)

Look at they fire.

We got this little fire right here. This doesn't make any sense.

FRANKLIN: What does it matter if their fire is bigger than our fire?

It don't matter... Thank you.

...if it ain't true.

Hey, are their fires bigger than ours?

You know, we need a bigger fire.

Get that lighter fluid.

(ALL YELLING)

Let's do it. Do it more, baby!

Show 'em, Pop!

Want some of this?

You guys suck!

Hey, what you doing?

What the hell is wrong with y'all?

What the hell is wrong with you men?

Y'all trying to burn my babies?

Tell 'em, baby. Oh, my God!

What is wrong with you guys?

Yell at them. Yell at them a little bit.

What the hell? Felipa!

Cool off! Tell them.

My babies in there asleep, you know you got that from Vietnam!

Why would you burn that shit?

Hey!

The fire's still burning.

They started it.

Okay, come on, really?

We had it under control. Ours was under control.

Baby...

Yeah, you can't kill this fire!

What are you doing?

Go to bed! Everybody go to bed!

I was actually sleepy. Go to bed!

I was sleepy. I was gonna go to bed.

I was thinking it was time to go to bed.

(OWL HOOTING)

(SNORING)

This is bullshit!

Getting eaten alive!

Damn ants or mosquitoes or whatever the hell you are.

Leave me alone! (GRUNTS)

There's gotta be a 24-hour place in town.

Oh, my God.

What a fricking beating.

(CAR BEEPS)

Let's hope Benadryl or cortisone or fricking Benical...

(CRUNCH) (TIRES SCREECH)

What the hell was that?

Fricking pinata.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

What did you do? Jesus Christ!

You scared the crap out of me!

Oh, my goodness.

Okay, okay, this is not what it looks like.

You killed them both?

No, no, no!

This piece of shit dumbass hybrid makes no noise, and...

All right. You gotta help me get them to a vet.

You drive and I'll give them mouth-to-mouth.

I mean, mouth-to-snout.

(DOG YELPING)

What the hell did they do to Ocho?

Who would do such a thing?

Them.

Come on.

Hey, man. Hey! What?

What the heck did you do to our dog? Look.

Nobody do nothin' to your dog. What are you talking about?

What do you mean, didn't do nothin'?

RON RON: Shit. Chaka!

What did they do to you?

What happened to my baby? (RON RON CRYING)

What y'all did to my baby?

Hey, man, we didn't touch your dog.

You're the ones that busted ours!

Yeah, we love dogs, man. Look at our dog.

If y'all didn't touch our dog and we didn't touch your dog...

ALL: Wake up, white people!

Okay, all right. Just hear me out.

I am so sorry.

(STUTTERING) It was an accident.

I swear. I... I just wanted some Benadryl...

(GRAVY SCREAMING)

Crazy white man. What, man?

I have no idea!

(ALL CLAMORING)

Come on, man, what are you doing?

I want a freakin' refund or something!

They seem pretty worked up.

Yeah, if this turns into a race war,

we'll be pulling out paperwork for a decade.

(SIGHS)

You people.

This is the Fourth of July.

This is the day we honor

how our great nation declared its independence

from the king of England.

(THUD) (ALL GASPING)

Do you happen to even know how George Washington celebrated

his final victory over the British at Yorktown

that great day? Hmm?

He issued his troops a double ration of rum.

Here we are.

We had fought this bitter war against a tyrannical foe.

And all we did to celebrate it, is that we drank

four fingers of booze instead of two.

(SLURPING)

(CONTINUES SLURPING)

That's about a martini and a half.

In case you were wondering what four fingers was.

Today, if a kid happens to throw his poopy diaper into the hamper,

these parents, they go apeshit,

and they throw the kid a party, and give him a PlayStation.

CHARLIE: Gosh, he drinks like me.

(WOMAN MOANING ON COMPUTER)

Aah!

I don't really see this issue between you people as a problem.

I see it as an opportunity to get away

from what the Fourth of July has become.

Which, let's face it, is just a couple of days

off work for all the lazy people.

We have become a nation of soft, puffy, pussy people.

We have forgotten the sacrifice of those who have come before us.

And, so, in my opinion, whoever wants camping site 16,

you're gonna have to fuckin' fight for it.

Wait a minute, you're talking about cannons and muskets and shit.

You're crazy. ALL: Mmm-hmm.

Hey, I am retiring in a week and a half,

and I don't give a shit, all right?

You don't have to use guns and knives.

Just have a contest.

Have a contest.

Whatever family wins the contest,

they get to kick the other two families' asses out of the park.

How about that?

You get no cheese with your wine around here.

So, if I were you, I would be dedicated to gettin' it on.

'Cause it's on.

This whole thing is a mess, and we're sorry about it.

We were told to help out with the contest, since it was the park's fault.

Well, great.

Wow. It's really nice that the pigs are being helpful.

Pardon? TOMMY: No, nothing.

He just said that that cloud up there looks like a pig.

No, I didn't. I said...

(GROANING)

He had a spider on his zipper there.

Thanks!

Thanks, guys.

Hey, Gravy.

He deserved that. Yeah, seriously.

So, we're doing this contest thing?

Yeah, we're doing this.

What's the matter, old man? You scared?

Scared? No.

Just sad.

Sad for you and all these other losers.

Kids.

We're marking off an area for you to play in.

Do not leave this area for any reason.

What if we get hit by lightning?

Try not to.

What if we see an ice cream truck?

Try not to.

Dad? How long do we have to stay here?

Just while the adults are off doing adult things.

Yes, I'm getting a new baby brother.

Uh...

Not those kind of adult things.

(TOYS SQUEAKING)

Okay, kids, have fun.

Hey, don't poke your eyes out. Peace out.

FELIPA: Hi.

(DOG BARKS) Oh, hmm...

I don't know what to say.

Well, you can usually find all the right words in the courtroom.

Look, I thought bringing our families together up here, would be

our chance to, you know, break the news.

Wait. You did this on purpose?

Yeah, kinda, a little bit.

I mean, it was easy 'cause our names are so similar.

Jones. Jonas.

I didn't expect a white Jones family to show up.

Man, I screwed up everything.

It's my fault, I'm sorry.

So, who is she?

Who is who?

You know who I'm talking about.

Who, Fantasia? I don't know that girl.

Shantaysia, why is she here?

I don't know her.

She's my dad's idea.

I don't... It's my first time ever seeing her.

Stop. Come on.

You know I love you. Stop.

Anyway, look, I have a plan.

I'll make sure we win the race.

And then, I'll convince my dad to let you... Your family stay,

and we'll get rid of the white family.

They'll kick rocks.

What if your family doesn't win?

Felipa.

Stop smoking crack.

Okay.

We're black, we're gonna win.

Mexicans are pretty athletic, too.

What about like Big Papi?

He's Dominican.

Y'all gonna lose bad. Y'all gonna lose so bad.

(ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, guys, I think I hear an ice cream truck.

Wait, but we can't leave this area.

Well, screw that, it's ice cream.

(ALL CHEERING)

POPS: Look at these people.

They're like vultures.

They're standing around watching us fight among ourselves.

Don't think they're just out here having fun?

No.

This has gotten much bigger than three mad-ass families.

Bigger how?

You think about it, bud.

International sports, you root for your country.

Yeah.

School sports, you root for your school.

Yeah.

These people are rooting for their race.

You don't know that. Okay.

Truth or dare?

I'll answer a question if you answer a question.

Okay. Truthfully.

All right. All right.

Now, when you first drove up here,

and you saw that there were two families here.

Now, were you mad 'cause there were two families here?

Or were you mad because we weren't white?

Yeah, well, you know,

truth be told, when I drove up here, I was a little nervous.

But that's because I didn't know what to expect.

Well, I felt the same way.

And that's textbook racism.

You can't say I'm racist just because I didn't know what to expect.

I've had a lot of great experiences with

other races, and some not so great.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I couldn't help but overhear.

You should know that our family isn't anything like that at all.

In fact, I was a total wigger back in high school.

I had my hair braided and everything.

You remember that? Yeah, that was so cute.

What is a wigger?

It's just a term for a kid that's

trying to act tough and sound cool.

Well, now, that's what it means.

But what is it an acronym for?

An acronym?

Yeah, like the word "smog."

It's a combination of the words "smoke" and "fog."

That's an acronym.

What are the words that "wigger" is an acronym for?

Well, that's easy.

It's a... It's a combination, a mash-up, if you will,

of the words...

White...

White.

...and...

Er.

Okay.

I mean, you know, you guys get hit with honky...

Hey. ...crackers...

Hey! ...peckerwood...

Hey! ...redneck,

white bastards, white devils.

Hey!

But the "N" word, that cuts straight through the clutter.

Yeah, well, once you say that, it's pretty much game over.

You're right.

Good going, son. Well done.

Happy to help.

But I still don't agree with you that these people are out here

rooting for their own races. MAN: Hey!

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

JOSE: We got this, baby.

Black and white going down like a knocked out zebra.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

(ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Here, here! Ice cream!

(ALL SCREAMING)

BOY: Ice cream!

Come on. Sorry I'm late.

Hey, Franklin!

All right.

You know, I love that look,

that gleam of victory in your eyes.

Yeah, we about to win, Pop.

And we gonna kick a family up out of here.

Yes. That's right. You know...

Where's Shantaysia?

No... Shantaysia!

You know that old Franklin here

was a track star in high school.

Shantaysia, come on! Dad, look.

One time, I ate 37 eggs in six minutes, come on.

I mean, that's impossible, you know.

You proud of me, Daddy? You gonna brag about that?

I'm proud of you, son.

Not as proud as I am of Franklin here.

RON RON: What?

That was a joke.

He's messing with you. That's all.

Shitty joke. What?

I said Keko's titty is broke.

Yeah, I thought you said that.

Let's do this.

You know what?

Y'all enjoy your pissing contest but I'm outta here.

You wanna go?

Yeah, I wanna go find Shantaysia.

Keko. Felipa.

This is our contest pick and it's called the Potty Carry.

That's right.

One person goes inside of each one and the rest of us carry.

And the winner is the one who gets across that finish line first.

That finish line is pretty far, man.

Dude, don't sweat it, man.

We totally got this. Mexicans are gonna take this hands down.

Hey, Papi!

Papi, we're about to start the race, you gonna come cheer us on?

Does your dad ever smile?

No.

You mean, Darth Valdez?

Does he even know what a smile is?

I bet you he can't say the word "Chuck E. Cheese."

I bet you his face makes him stop at "Chuck."

He'd probably need a fake ID just to buy a Happy Meal.

That's good.

All right. All right. That's pretty funny, that's pretty funny, but...

You know, he's still my dad, so could you cut it out, please?

Well, you know, come on, let's space these potties out,

and get the race started. I mean, we're standing around here.

Let me just drag this one. Get out of the way, would ya?

Okay. So, I'll just take this one.

Are you sure, Dad? These things are kinda heavy.

Charlie, I've been a fireman for years, you know.

I've rescued babies from windows and fiery buildings, you know.

Come on. Come on, put this on my back.

I guess. Come on, let's go.

This is... I can just... I got this.

(SCREAMING)

Help, please! Come on!

Charlie, get it off of me!

Get it off of me!

We got this. We got this, Dad.

Okay, up.

(GROANING)

Yeah, maybe we should slide it.

(ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

I don't like this!

I'm having a bad day!

I hate kids.

You've ruined my life!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I got it!

RON RON: The main problem is, is getting this potty over the ravine.

But, luckily, Ron Ron got an idea.

What?

All we need to do is swing this potty by using rope.

We need to put the rope through a hitch on top of the potty,

and then toss the rope on branches.

And then we swing the potty over the ravine.

Come on.

That's a good idea!

We gotta get some rope.

Daddy, look at this.

I already got it. Taken care of.

Look at that. Crap.

Guess I'm smarter than Franklin now, right?

No.

He's right, man. The rope's gonna make it easier.

Sharni, get a rope. Okay, got it.

We're ready to go.

We can't wait. No, no, don't start!

Come on, let's get started! Wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait, wait. Get on your marks,

get set... Wait, wait!

...go!

Come on.

JOSE: Keep dreamin', blondie. That rope is mine.

SHARNI: No, I saw it first!

Hello, open up!

We wanna borrow your clothesline!

This is kinda cute.

Open up. We wanna borrow your clothesline!

Yeah, you know, keep knocking.

People love Mexicans at their door.

Really funny, Blow White. Hello?

Yeah, we'll see how much you're laughing when that rope is mine.

Hey, what are you doing up there?

I'm getting this damn clothes line.

Oh, shit.

(JOSE SCREAMING)

(JOSE'S SCREAMS ECHOING)

TOMMY: I don't know.

(CURSING AND GROANING IN SPANISH)

It pierced my love handle!

SHARNI: Come this way.

Oh, my God. TOMMY: What the hell was that?

JOSE: Help me!

Okay, puta! Come on!

FRANKLIN: Hey, where did everybody go?

Pop?

Ron Ron?

Did we win?

SHARNI: Come on, come on, come on. (JOSE SWEARING IN SPANISH)

Come on. CHARLIE: What happened?

He has a TV antenna stuck in him.

Where? JOSE: No, no, no!

TOMMY: We need to take him to a hospital.

All right, let's use my car. Okay.

Wait, wait, we're gonna get him in that?

Yeah.

SHARNI: Here.

(SHRIEKING)

What the hell are you doing?

Bactine. It stings like a bitch, but...

(CURSING AND GROANING IN SPANISH)

No! No more, you fucking idiot!

(ALL CLAMORING)

Wait, what? CHARLIE: Everybody stop!

Do you get the NFL package?

(CURSING AND GROANING IN SPANISH)

TOMMY: We're not gonna get him in the pussy car.

Let's get him in Franklin's car.

Okay, all right. Come on.

CHARLIE: I'm right here. SHARNI: Come on.

Right here. There you go.

You got it. You got it.

TOMMY: Put him inside.

There you go. There you go.

Let's give him a push. All right.

One, two...

No. No!

...three! No!

(JOSE SCREAMING)

That went horribly wrong.

Stop right there.

Okay, man. Good luck!

Okay, okay. Let's go. Come on. Vamonos.

Don't worry. You'll get a call from Telemundo.

(JOSE SCREAMING)

So, are you doing number one or number two?

What? Go get an adult.

You look like a pinata.

And you look the first person's ass I'm gonna beat

if you don't go and get an adult.

I didn't say you were one, I said you looked like one.

I'ma beat you so bad and you're not even my kid.

Take it easy, perv.

I thought you kids were on lockdown.

How did you get out of your area?

You didn't answer me. Number one or number two?

Why you wanna know? Chuckie, that's nasty!

Get an adult, I could die!

No, no. Okay, yeah.

Please. This is not a drill.

This is code red. You know a code red...

Y'all went to public school. Y'all know nothing.

Oh, my God!

I hate kids, and I hate camping!

ROLANDO: Hey, guys, quick. Come say hi to Mom. Come on.

Hi, Mom! Hey, Mom!

Cheese.

Yep. Yo, I'm good!

Yup, I got lucky!

It was tough, but I'm good!

JOSE: Hey!

Doctor said my love handles are like a teenager's!

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Just gonna be here by myself, you know.

KID: Yeah.

No family to talk to.

Something to think about, mijo.

Okay.

Aunt Felipa, I can't move.

Yes, but you're safe.

Have fun.

Mind if I sit?

Sure.

It's a pretty mantis.

He's right there. I'm gonna kill him.

You know, the kids don't see race.

It's true.

Seems they learn it from the adults.

Kids can be a handful, man.

I used to think that I wanted a bunch of them,

but after this weekend, I think I'm just gonna get another cat.

BOY: Wait, where is it?

Where is it? It's right there, it's just moving.

FELIPA: No, that's a... It's a praying...

It's just a gross bug. Just put it down.

You know, I've actually been meaning to tell you

that I really like your hair.

Thanks, I do it myself.

Really?

I have my own salon.

That's super cool.

Didn't I hear Charlie saying that he has his own salon, too?

Not a salon, a saloon.

Okay.

I drove with him to the vet the other night.

He had a dog under each arm, giving them both mouth-to-mouth.

He's got a lot of heart.

Yeah, and dog breath, sounds like.

Did any of the dogs get a contact drunk?

Yeah, I think the dogs were wondering why I kept checking their IDs.

You know, he's a good guy.

Yeah, and cute, too, right?

Yeah, he is kinda cute.

Yeah. Super cute. Like I would.

I think I would, too.

Seriously, he's a bit of a charmer and girls love bad boys.

I think he knows he has a problem.

I don't drink. I never have, but my dad was an alcoholic,

so, I know the signs.

BOY: I really wanna kill it. I really wanna kill it.

Just kill it!

No, it's one of God's creatures, don't kill it.

Right? Don't kill it.

Help me, I need...

So, how about you?

Do you work at the courthouse back in the city?

Yeah, I'm a stenographer.

Franklin works in the DA's office.

Does he? Yeah.

Do you ever see him around there?

Yeah, now that... Yeah. I think I have.

Not that often.

You know, I've been meaning to tell you, I'm not here to...

(GIRL SCREAMING) Oh, my God!

Get away from me!

Oh, my God.

Should I buy a tabby or a Siamese cat?

RODRIGO: Okay, cabrons.

Our pick. The eating contest.

Yeah, but not food, huevones.

Habaneros, baby.

Hot peppers, bro.

You gotta eat as many as you can in three minutes.

And habaneros...

Habaneros are the Devil's food. Yup.

They can't be that bad.

You're about to find out.

Can I eat for the family?

Yeah, Gravy, you can eat for the family for sure.

'Cause habaneros are organic,

and I do non-pharmaceuticals really well.

Yeah.

Yeah. Like, one time I got lost in the desert. Yeah.

I had to eat 67 mushrooms to survive.

Caps and stems?

The whole thing.

I hallucinated for 15 days.

My diarrhea tasted like honey. ALL: Ugh!

TOMMY: That's beautiful, Gravy.

That's your son-in-law?

Your brother-in-law?

Yes, my brother-in-law.

That's your brother. In-law.

You said that like you might have seen him naked or something.

(LAUGHS)

All right, fool, I got this.

No, clown, I love habaneros.

What are you talking about? Who you calling a clown, man?

I can eat so many more habaneros than you, I always have.

No.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

You, Papi?

What, he's resurrected.

It's like it's Easter or something.

I've been eating habaneros for 65 years.

I will win for the familia.

Mira. This is what I have been whittling?

Ocho! (WHISTLES) (SPEAKS SPANISH)

For cervezas.

Ocho is now an official St. Bernardo.

(LAUGHING) Whoo!

Papi made a joke. Yeah.

Habaneros are nothing to Mexicans.

We put hot sauce on our hot sauce.

(ALL LAUGHING)

He made another joke.

That's awesome.

I'm ready. Let's do this.

All right, pendejos, the timer is set.

Three, two, one, go!

(ALL SHOUTING ENCOURAGEMENTS)

There's something going on in my fucking mouth!

Look at that.

Do men... Do you think men ever get like

a POV of themselves and just go,

"We're really stupid"?

(ALL CLAMORING)

(YELLING)

BOTH: Oh!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAM ECHOING)

"May the Devil use your backbone as a trellis to pick apples in hell."

To you, Mr. DiMaggio, and to you, Dr. Freud.

SHANTAYSIA: "If you don't know where you're going, there are plenty of roads."

Okay. So, she's not just crazy beautiful,

she's actually smart enough

to see right through me.

She needed to look past the train wreck he is

and see the man that was crying when he

thought the doggies wouldn't make it.

Okay, that's a... That's a turnoff.

May I just say I'm not usually the crying type.

I thought it was sweet, you know,

you crying like a little sissy.

I cried because when I was giving them mouth-to-snout,

Ocho slipped me some tongue.

I can still taste the lamb and carrots.

Okay, okay. Let's... Let's recap.

I know I come off like a... Like a bit of a tough guy,

but I do cry when I see that doggies are hurt, and you're half naked...

I'm sorry about that.

Are you?

CHARLIE: Oh, shit.

Don't move. That's a coral snake.

You'll be totally safe

if you stand there, just like that,

backlit by the sun, looking perfect.

Damn it! You moved!

Now you look awful.

You went from looking like a goddess,

to a favela in a bikini.

SHANTAYSIA: What are we gonna do?

If we meld as one,

it'll see us as a much larger and greater threat,

and then slither away sheepishly.

So, this is us melding.

Here we go. Whoa, whoa.

In Chapter 7 in one of the most brilliant novels I've ever read,

the main character finds a coral snake in their barn.

Roger tells her, "Red over yellow kills a fellow.

"Red over black, venom lack."

So, our little friend over there isn't poisonous.

Wow.

You read my novel? Twice.

So, I guess you know what a...

What a cliche I am.

A writer who drinks.

You forgot to mention "tortured."

And I left out "scared and insecure."

Ah-ha!

Well, perhaps that is why I drink.

But we never see you drink,

because we're always distracted by

the things you're pointing to, you know?

Justin Bieber, dumpster fires,

24-hour Popeyes Chicken...

The really tall midget, enlightened trucker.

Silent bagpipes,

Pete Best, Blockbuster Video.

The cast of Breakfast Club,

and one of my favorites,

"That cloud looks like a drag queen."

Let me see if I got this straight.

You wrote one novel, got lots of critical praise,

then you finished? What happened?

Wait a second.

Is that Charlie Jones over there?

Behind an empty typewriter?

Frozen, hammered, alone?

No, it isn't.

I guess if my head was filled with that kind of crap,

I'd probably drink, too.

But I don't.

So, good luck with your travels.

Wait. What if I...

What if I didn't drink?

I guess we'll never know.

But I do know you are a brilliant writer.

I swear, that was not me peeing.

Last one to drop their hand off the car wins.

Ocho. (WHISTLES)

(BARKING)

Gracias.

Uncle Gravy saw some bad boys right over there.

Yeah. Yeah, you gotta be real careful.

They got 10,000 eyes.

Kind of like my ex-wife.

Are you gonna do it?

It's been a long time. I'm scared.

Do it. You won't. No balls.

"No balls"?

(INSECT BUZZES)

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

I got him! I got him!

I gotcha! You're gonna...

Ahem!

Yeah. I need one of your hairs.

You're ready for your little leash?

(LAUGHING)

Que paso, little flower? Yes?

Dad, what's sex?

(AWKWARD LAUGHTER)

Have fun with that one, Dad.

Listen up. He's got a lot of good advice.

Yeah, Felipa. Thank you very much.

What's sex? Tell her, Dad.

Let's hear it.

Excuse me. Thank you.

Um... Uh...

Sex is like, like... It's...

It's when you hug someone.

Come on, brother, that's it?

Hug real tight.

So, wait. So, I've had sex with my grandpa.

I wouldn't be surprised.

(LAUGHTER)

Okay.

Well, I... I guess you're old enough.

Sex is when Mommy and Daddy hug.

And we don't have any clothes on.

Well, you better get naked and start hugging,

'cause they said dinner will be ready in two secs.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Yes! Yes!

Dinner will be ready in two secs!

TOMMY: He's my son and I love him,

but, you know, you hate to see 'em struggle.

This thing that he's struggling with, has this...

Has this got anything to do with why he's not married

and not settled down?

Yeah.

Well, hopefully he'll figure it out.

We got a guy coming up that's gonna help with that.

Oh.

I get it.

You do? Yeah.

Hey, it's fine.

I mean, every family has got someone who is

different.

I mean, and you're a fireman, right?

I mean, you've probably seen a whole lot of stuff.

I used to be a fireman.

Drinking got the best of me.

I couldn't control it, so, they fired me.

Tried the Bible.

Jim Beam vs. John 3:10.

That didn't work out.

Jim Beam won?

Yeah.

Then I went to AA. Let go and let God...

And I'm keeping my side of the street clean, you know?

You know, as a parent, I've made mistakes, too.

I mean, I know it really bothers Ron Ron

the way I focus in on Franklin's potential.

But Ron Ron, he's... (RON RON CLEARS THROAT)

He's special.

(CONTINUES CLEARING THROAT)

"Special."

You know, a couple of old school guys like you and me...

Gotta learn it's a new world out there, man.

New rules.

Charlie's gonna be all right.

Yeah.

And I mean, things...

Things are a lot easier nowadays for guys like him.

I'll be right back.

(INSECT BUZZING)

It's like a little fly kite.

He looks like a real goer.

Watch what I do next here.

Okay, big guy.

Time to go to work.

Going somewhere with all those bells and smells on?

(BOTH LAUGH)

I was just about to...

I know where you're going.

You do? Yep.

And I think you two make a great pair.

You do? Yes!

I even like the ring of her name.

Shantaysia.

Shantaysia. Oh.

Yeah. Shantaysia.

Now, look, I know what you're gonna say.

I know I push a little hard.

But it's because you got so much promise,

and I want you to deliver on it.

See, back in the day,

when I was coming up your age...

And the time...

I never would have dreamed I'd have

a son that's on the verge of running a city.

I just want to say to you, son,

I'm proud of you. Pop.

Real proud.

Pop. Thanks, man.

Now, you go ahead on for your walk.

And don't make it late.

No son of mine is gonna take longer than a woman to get ready.

Come on, man.

You sound like an episode of Sanford and Son.

(SIGHS)

Romance is in the hizzouse.

Hey, hey.

Hey, Shay-Shay. Hey. Have a nice walk.

All right.

Well, where is he going all dressed up?

Who isn't here?

SHARNI: Hey, Charlie, where are you?

Charlie?

Charlie and Franklin?

Oh, Lord.

Oh, hey. You're here. How you doing?

I'm good.

Funny seeing you here.

Not really.

Just...

Well, being that I'm here, you're here,

I thought we could talk about this whole...

Fake Mom thing.

What about it?

Maybe, well...

Not that I thought about it a lot, but I did

jot down some alts, as you kids like to say.

I've never said that.

You don't say "alts" for... Okay.

You wrote all of that?

Yeah, just a few...

Just a few alternatives to "Fake Mom."

Not that I don't love it.

But I just thought, why not "Trophy Mom"?

I could be like a Trophy Mom, you know?

No. No. I always wanted...

No? Okay, not great. Okay. How about "Mom Again"?

Mom Again. You know what I mean?

Like, when you call me, you'll be like, "Mom Again!"

No. People might think that's...

Fake Mom. Okay.

How about "This Mom"?

This Mom. This Mom. You know what I mean?

Who would say any of this?

Probably nobody.

How about "Other Mom"? "Cute Mom"?

"Mom Mom"? Cute? "Cute Mom"?

Okay, "Mom Mom." "Mom Mom" is cute. Right?

You'll be like, "Mom Mom!" What am I, two years old?

'Cause it wouldn't be like your first mom...

I have my real mom, and then I have you.

Right, and I would never wanna...

And you are my fake mom.

And you need to stop trying to act...

Take the place of her. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, I would never.

Well, you're trying to.

No, I don't. I wouldn't...

I think this has been a productive talk.

All right, well...

Do you want me to button up your shirt?

No. Okay. It's supposed to be like that.

Yeah. Okay. All right.

All right.

My family may not win this.

Which means my plans get flushed.

You've got to tell your dad.

We both do. I can't keep lying.

I know, it's just my dad is crazy.

It's like he wants me to be mayor someday, so it's... You know?

Yeah. And you can't do that with a Mexican woman by your side.

What? I didn't say that.

What... I mean, why did you... Look, Franklin,

I'm glad that you worry about your father.

I worry about my father, too.

They want so much for us, even though sometimes it's misguided.

But I think that we've been fooling ourselves hoping that this will work.

What are you talking about?

We were going to lean on each other, but maybe we can't.

And it's better that we learn it now,

before we commit to something that isn't gonna work.

Felipa, what are you saying?

Making it easier on both of us.

What?

Felipa, what are you doing?

Felipa.

(SIGHS)

Fuck!

(RON RON CLEARING THROAT)

Ron Ron, I told you to knock that off.

You're gonna mess around and put a hole in the back of your neck.

So, you're just telling me stuff, huh?

You told me?

Yeah, I told you.

You told me?

Yes.

KID: Okay. KID: Okay.

Okay.

JOSE: That's it, Ron Ron.

Wear those pants, brother.

That way you tell your wife who's the boss, brother.

You know something? Watch this.

Keko, check this out.

I'm in this contest where I keep my hand on this damn car,

so I can win for the family.

I'm a little thirsty now.

I want you to go get me one of those beers,

open the top,

and put the beer on my lips,

and pour it in my mouth.

Now!

KEKO: Bullshit!

Do I look like somebody who's gonna pop a beer,

put it on your lips and pour it down your throat?

Never mind, baby.

He trippin'. RON RON: Shantaysia!

I need you to snap a cap for me right now!

I don't think so.

God damn!

Wow! What a beautiful thing. I mean, look.

Every creed, race, and creed

just hanging loose. It's...

I wanna give a speech.

Uh...

So, you gonna make that speech, hopper, or what?

Well, I gotta write something down first.

That man is out of his mind.

He's a lunatic, man.

(SNORING)

What's up, guys? Yeah.

What's up, Charlie?

You smell what I'm stepping in?

JOSE: Smell something, brother.

Yeah, the kids used to say that.

What kids used to say that? I don't...

I heard a couple of kids say it.

JOSE: Hey, Charlie, man.

I see your hybrid's got all the latest gadgets, man, that's pretty cool.

It's like Star Trek.

What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got one of those special force fields. What do they call it?

Pussy deflector.

(LAUGHING)

Charlie, where were you?

I was in the lake, washing up.

Yeah? Did you wash behind your ears, fool?

♪ Did you wash behind your ears?

♪ Wash behind the ears

♪ Why don't you shut the fuck up? ♪

You know, Jose, maybe you should try washing.

I mean, even your tent has skid marks.

And don't be too stingy with the Lever 2000.

Maybe you should call them and see if they've got a Lever 10000.

Dude, what are you talking about, man?

That's pheromones. The chicks dig that.

RON RON: Jose does smell.

You got that right.

Hey, pass me that bullhorn.

What?

Thank you. Wait. There's the switch.

Hey, y'all.

Jose's BO smell so bad,

he need the Right and the Left Guard.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You get it? 'Cause it's the Right Guard, that's what it's called.

And he smells, so he needs both sides of it, 'cause there's the left...

Yeah, they got it. They got it.

Y'all didn't like that one? Okay, I got another one for you.

What is the flattest surface that you could iron anything on?

A white girl's ass.

See, that's true.

Hey! Bullshit! Bullshit!

Check out this masterpiece of assery.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Mind if I do a little tucking?

JOSE: I don't know. It looks pretty flat to me.

Hold on, wait a minute. Maybe this is a bad angle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You check it out.

We got a challenge on the play, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah.

Yeah, my bad.

I was wrong. You're right. Okay, I'll concede the point.

I got one, I got one.

All right...

Okay, y'all. What's 9 inches long and white?

Anybody? Anybody?

Not a damn thing!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Really?

Really? I call bullshit.

Yeah?

Check out this masterpiece of dickery.

No. No.

All right, all right. Fine, fine, fine. Give me that horn.

See? That's how it starts. Give me the horn.

And now Charlie has taken the bullhorn, ladies and gentlemen.

This competition is heating up.

Let's see what he's got.

Did you hear about the black guy and the Mexican guy

that opened a restaurant together?

WOMAN: No. It's called Nacho Mama.

Wait.

Hey, what happens when a white guy

with a boner walks into a wall?

What? He breaks his nose.

Franklin.

Franklin, he takes the bullhorn.

All right.

Why do white people love hockey?

Why? Why is that?

Because if they can't be a cop,

that's the only chance they get to beat something black.

Oh!

In your face!

What do you call a black man in a suit?

What?

The defendant.

I got one, I got one, you guys, wait for this. Ready?

Ladies and gentlemen, looks like the pole dancer

wants to enter the competition.

She's teeing it up, let's see what she's got.

What do you call a black... Wait...

Oh! And Daisy Duke's got nothing.

You know, fuck this shit.

All right. Well, there's some good news and bad news.

While she had the bullhorn, ratings spiked,

but the bad news is everybody's IQ went down.

(ALL LAUGHING)

JOSE: Okay, all right, all right. I got one for you.

Hey! What do white women make for dinner?

What?

Reservations.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, no, and ladies and gentlemen,

the park rangers are getting involved in the competition.

And either this brother is colorblind

or he is just flat out helping the wrong family.

You sure about that?

They'll love it.

When a black and a Mexican are in a car, who's driving?

(INSECT BUZZING) (SNORING)

Who? The cop.

Yeah, okay, brother, go on, check on out. Okay, thank you.

Yeah, you can go on and clock out. Thank you.

And now, Franklin takes the bullhorn.

Let's see if he can pull one out for his team.

All right. Why do white folks have so many pets?

Why?

'Cause they can't own people anymore.

Boom! Drops the bullhorn. That's right.

Hey! Ya, ya, ya!

Ya!

Hey, hey, hey!

What's going on, everybody?

My name is Johnny Jon-John.

I'll be running the intervention.

And it is for Charlie Jones.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is there a Charlie Jones...

No, no, not now.

An intervention for me?

No, no, no. You can go now. We don't need you. We're fine.

I should have seen you a mile away.

Yes, sir, let's get right to it.

Anybody want to speak up about this joker?

Okay. I'll go.

All right. This is an intervention.

Tenth one's free. Another joke we do.

I like to lighten the mood a little bit

when someone's heading to the grave.

Your family put together a list of things you've done while drunk.

They've put together a list? Yeah.

That's how it works.

Give us the short list.

Let's see. You burned down a farm,

with a barn and three cows?

They were goats. They were goats.

Only goats.

Well, that's cool. He's a great guy.

♪ For he's a jolly...

No, you're horrible. I'm kidding again.

It keeps going. You got drunk at a carnival and you shot a fireman?

CHARLIE: He was off-duty.

And a bit shifty.

Oh. Okay, "off-duty and shifty."

He was shifty.

Sounds to me like you're enabling.

That's a pretty big word for something that I'm not really doing.

You unbolted the Ferris wheel, too?

Yeah, it's a wheel, so it could roll away.

To give it a head start for the next town.

Hello?

You shaved a librarian's head?

She may have had lice.

All right, and you pushed your cousin Bobby down some stairs.

He had lice. He had lice.

Right. He's got the RID and the comb.

All right, you did him a favor.

Did you shoot 72 bottle rockets at your old high school?

Let's just say that I enhanced its curb appeal.

And most of them were duds.

Over 50%? Duh!

Holy shit, what am I doing here?

What a waste of my time.

This guy seems fine to me. You single?

Uh... I...

I am, but now that you mention it,

I was,

but a few hours ago, I'm... Now I'm not... Not... No.

Final answer?

Final answer.

I wasn't even talking to you. I was talking to her.

Me? Holy God.

Sounds like a no. CHARLIE: You know what?

This, this, this... This whole "event"

can mange my taint.

I don't need this intervention.

Well, I fucking don't need it either.

All right, I'm Audi like five thouty.

Anybody need weed, holler at your boy.

It's nice out here. I'm joking!

This place is fun if I was the Zika virus.

Uber!

What the hell was that all about?

Look, son, we didn't mean to.

Shit.

Took my hand off the car.

Yeah. So, now it's just me and Mr. Jonas.

JOSE: Oh, no, Papi's going to swat the fly.

No, no, no.

Papi, Papi, Papi, wake up! What are you doing?

Pop! What?

Dad. You let go of the door, Pops.

I won! I won! I won, I won!

We won! Oh, my gosh! I've never won anything before!

We won?

Hey, I'm gonna give that speech now!

We are the champions!

You cannot deny a Jones!

With a family-first attitude,

we fought for victory,

and we girded our loins,

and marched to infamy.

Yes!

We are number one!

Is it raining?

Well, we won.

But it was kind of fun the way it turned out. Why doesn't everybody stay?

I agree! Let's just everybody stay and enjoy the weekend.

All right, we'll stay.

But you gotta be able to keep a leash on your son Charlie.

What? Wait, wait, wait.

What the hell did that just mean?

Madonna, some pendejo tied a pinche moscaon my shirt.

With a blonde hair.

The whites cheated.

Hey, I mean, come on, now.

The whites cheated and now Charlie is after my son Franklin.

What? What?

Pops, what are you talking about?

Come on, now, Franklin.

I mean, you should have told me that you were gay.

I mean, is that why you don't want to run for mayor?

Are you kidding? I'm not gay.

And if I was gay, I could get way better than Charlie.

You think I'm after Franklin?

And a drunk!

Okay, okay.

You might have me on the drunk thing.

But you're out of your mind.

Everybody knows that Franklin's in love with Felipa.

What? What?

Oh, Charlie.

Even me, the huge drunk, could tell 14 seconds after I got here.

And you still don't see it? Felipa.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Papi, I've been meaning to tell you.

Yes, okay?

Franklin and I have been dating for over a year.

What? What?

You need to keep your son away from my daughter.

Hey, no, no. You ain't calling no shots in my family, El Chapo.

Well, Pop, calm down.

No, no, no, and you. I can't believe this, son.

You've been sneaking around with her behind my back, and lying,

and standing up Shantaysia, who is hot to trot.

Wow. "Hot to trot" isn't accurate.

FRANKLIN: Okay, fine.

I came up here because we all needed to get together.

I love Felipa. That is my girl.

That is why we are all here.

I don't know where the white family came from,

but that's why our families are here. We planned it.

But you know what I hate?

Camping is what I hate.

I knew it, I knew it, I fucking knew it!

You are not perfect, brother. You don't want to be a camper.

♪ Franklin's not perfect

♪ He is a dumbass

♪ He fuck with Felipa

♪ I fucking knew it

♪ And I thought he was gay, too ♪

This camping can jump up my ass.

These Jurassic Park mosquitoes can jump up my ass.

Sleeping in my car at night,

waiting for somebody to come and kill me...

Can jump up your ass.

Exactly. Right.

All this can jump up my ass.

Well, if you're going to act that way,

then why did we say we'd let you stay?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Let us stay? Let us stay?

Those whites cheated.

And we're going to win this contest and kick you out.

Yeah, man, the hell with all you guys.

Final contest.

Winner or go home. Yeah.

Let's get it on. Let's get it on.

Come on.

Pues, vamos.

Let's do this.

Go this way.

It's game over, tacos and Schlitz.

Hey, hey, gather around here.

I'm Peter Gaulke, and I'm one of the original spectators,

so I think I'm probably most qualified to

describe what we're about to witness here.

This obstacle course race is 2 miles total, give or take a mile or two.

And it's through the woods,

and then you gotta get past that lake,

and then make it up to that clearing way up there,

'cause that's where the finish line's at.

So, what do you say we all just sit back here,

and let's enjoy the show.

RON RON: Y'all ready for this? Let's do this!

Let's do this.

Let's... Okay, everybody, here are the rules.

Rules? Yeah.

No rules! Ready, set, go!

Hey! You got dirt on my shoes!

Yeah!

Move, move. Move, move!

I'm comin' after you!

(GROANS)

I want to stay.

Yeah, why do parents always have to ruin everything?

I don't want to go.

Me either.

Wait, I have an idea.

Rolie, you still have that map?

Does a bear shit in the woods?

Yes, young man, it does.

ALL: Ew!

He's gross.

He smokes too much weed.

One time he got so baked, he tried to take his pants off over his head.

What?

It's an old Woody Allen joke.

Okay, so, you see this ridge here.

It horseshoes around this mountain.

And if we cut across here, then we're there.

The plan only works if we can get to the finish line first.

Think we can get there first?

Hell, yeah, first is my middle name.

It is? No, sweetie, it's Olivia.

All right, let's do this. On three.

One, two, three.

Break! Let's go!

And the black Jones family is in the lead.

Hurry up!

You're killing it, Dad.

Get your arms down there.

Get away from me!

Look, Pop, I just want to say I'm sorry.

No talking, just winning.

I'm not sorry-sorry, but I'm sorry.

(GASPING)

You can't keep up, can ya?

Look, you're the one out of shape.

I'm not out of shape, I could go for hours.

With your old-ass self.

Hey. Wait.

Is that a snake?

Where?

Right there.

(SCREAMS)

Oh.

Shit, that ain't no damn snake.

You know, your scream was kind of

"hoo-hoo," you know.

You need to man up, you know.

Man up on this!

FELIPA: I should have told my family.

I don't know what happened. We just fell in love.

Yeah.

My dad's so furious, though.

Well, girl, your dad be overreacting, okay, if you ask me.

Yep. I mean,

it's not a bad thing, it's kind of a good thing.

Really?

I mean, I was in shock.

I was like, "What?"

I was clutching my pearls like I was watching

Days of Our Lives or something.

Like, "I did not see that coming!"

But it's a good thing. Yeah.

Y'all might make some little Obamas,

or something, little Baracks up in here.

Girl, all I can say is, I think your dad's acting like a big old kid.

Right. Surprise, surprise, all the men are acting like children.

And speaking of children,

I cannot hear mine. It's like...

Yeah, that is weird.

They real quiet, like when I put

a little bit of Benadryl in their Cap'n Crunch.

You know, they get real quiet then.

What? I wouldn't really drug my babies, that's a joke.

Okay, okay, I was like...

(LAUGHING)

Just a little bit, for a minute. Okay.

Kids! Chuckie!

Ron Ron!

Chuckie! They're not there. We should go.

Let's go see.

Let's try to parent.

JOSE: Hey!

SHARNI: Oh, my God!

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

(MEN CHEERING)

Really?

Seriously?

What?

You think they're going to shoot dollar bills at you with a T-shirt gun?

No, this is a public service.

I do this for charity, not dollar bills, you drunk.

(CHEERING)

All right, nothing to see here.

Head down the trail, down the trail.

Nothing to see here, nothing to see here.

We've got a race to run. Come on, sweetie.

Okay, I'm up. Come on, let's go.

TOMMY: Come on! Wait for me.

♪ And the bombs of war will make you bleed

♪ When the hugs of love

♪ Are all you need

Hey, little buddy!

You want to sing the chorus?

♪ The hugs of love are all you need

♪ The hugs of love are all... ♪

(SPRAYING)

(SCREAMING)

I'm gonna get you!

You slimy little bastard!

Do you see them yet?

Don't see them, but I think I hear them.

(COUGHING) (PANTING)

Hold on! Hold on!

Wait, wait, wait, stop!

What?

What?

Do you hear that?

Hear what?

What is that sound?

Shit!

Well, maybe it's a bear or even worse, a monster!

Damn, what's behind those bushes?

What beast is coming towards us?

Who are you? What are you?

Show yourself! Ron Ron!

Shit, worse than I thought.

Just kidding, baby.

We're looking for the kids, they ran off.

Is this some kind of joke, 'cause we're going to win?

Really, I'm just curious, on what planet might that be true?

FRANKLIN: I don't even know how you got in the lead.

No, really...

Uh... Uh... San...

What? Shantaysia.

It's "Shantaysia"? Can't get it right?

No, I thought it was "Shantaysia." What did you think?

I said that...

He said it the way I said it because...

Anyway, she said something about the kids and a finish line.

Wow.

Is that a bat? Really?

Charlie.

Is that another bat? Here we go again.

I thought you were going to quit.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

Is that... Is that three bats?

I guess we'll never know what we could've been.

No, no, no. No booze, no bottle.

Five. Five bats.

Oh, my God. Seriously?

No, no, no, I'm serious...

Bats!

(ALL SCREAMING)

What? We can't stop.

They say bats get stuck in your hair.

No, no, no. That's a myth.

Total urban legend.

JOSE: Holy shit.

Charlie, there's a... What?

There is a bat on your head.

Okay, guys, guys, guys. Come on, I'm not a moron.

Clearly there's no bat on my head.

Oh, my God.

How drunk are you? Irrelevant.

I promise you, son, there's a bat in your hair.

JOSE: Up in your hair, man. Come on, Charlie! You don't feel that?

(SCREAMING)

Get it off! Get it off! Someone get it off!

Throw rocks at it, everybody. Throw rocks.

No, no, no. Bad idea. Bad idea.

Ow! Ow!

Enough with the damn rocks.

Hit it with the bug racket!

Yeah!

Get it, girls! Get it!

Get it!

Not my head, not my head!

Look, the kids!

The finish line!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Hey, thanks, everybody!

Later, Charlie!

No, I'm fine. It's all good.

There was nothing about that that I liked!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

What the hell? Oh, my God!

You kids did this?

Yeah! We don't want to go home.

Us kids get along, how come you adults can't get along?

What? What?

KEKO: Well... Wow.

This is some muddy bullshit. Yeah.

But I'm damn impressed.

RON RON: Yeah, but who's going to get a whooping first?

Kids! Not bad.

You dug a hole, you filled it with mud

and made it look like the trail.

And you caught yourselves a bunch of dumbass men.

You know what's funny?

Everybody covered in mud like this,

you just can't tell anybody apart.

There's a lesson in that.

What?

A big obvious, fricking lesson.

KEKO: Tell it, girl. Preach!

So, being that you can't tell anybody apart,

the bottom line is this.

Are you an asshole or not?

Choose wisely.

So, let's not be assholes.

And let's all just

get along. Okay.

KEKO: In the words of Rodney King, girl.

MAN: All right.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

What does that mean, baby?

It was just a Latin bonding.

Got it.

Hey, that was a really, really nice speech, Fake Mom.

Oh. Well, that's...

Still doing the Fake Mom stuff right after the...

Cheyenne.

You called me by my name!

Sweetheart!

I'm so touched by the...

You know, I've always felt that we had...

Yeah, that's a bit too much.

Okay, don't hit on 16, got it. Don't hit on 16.

Let's back it up.

KIDS: Ew!

TOMMY: Gravy! KID: Gross.

They said that tomato juice can get rid of skunk stink.

(ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC PLAYING)

I hear the ice cream truck!

CHARLIE: That's beautiful, Gravy.

Hold up. Hey, hey, hey.

Something's wrong with my knee.

Look, you're my brother, okay?

Yeah, yeah.

No, listen to me, I'm talking to you.

Yes!

Okay, and I love you, man.

And someday you are going to be married, bro.

'Cause if anybody can do it, you can.

You think so?

I think what he's trying to say, Pop, is that...

It's time to propose. You know, to Charlie.

(ALL LAUGHING)

♪ Felipa's going to get proposed to

♪ Felipa's going to get proposed to... ♪

JOSE: You're next! You're next! You're next!

Well, Franklin, you're down on one knee,

I think you'd better handle your business.

Felipa, just follow your heart.

What? Is this... Are y'all for real?

Oh! Is he... Franklin?

Do it, Franklin.

Do it, Franklin.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

You will? Yes, yes, yes!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

They're gonna get married!

Yes!

Yeah!

Down he goes!

PAPI: Felipa!

(ALL CLAMORING)

Felipa! I also need help!

I got you! I got you!

We're getting married!

Hey, hey, hey.

What's with the potato salad?

What? I'm sorry. Are you hungry?

Yeah, we're trying to whenever.

We talked about first base and second base.

Yeah, I knew that.

Excuse me. Hello.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

Everybody.

I just want to say,

another Fourth of July.

Here we are again. I'm just so happy that we can all make it.

Yes. Yeah, right.

Yeah!

Yay!

Too bad Gravy couldn't make it.

What? Am I supposed to be somewhere?

No, just kidding, bro. You're here. It's now.

We're joking, Gravy.

Hi, I'm Charlie and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Charlie. Hey, Charlie.

I'm sorry, wrong group.

Check out this bad boy.

Six months sober.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Look who the good influence is over here.

It just looks like a poker chip painted green.

Looks like a blue condom.

Uh-uh. No. That is an IUD. That's what that is.

Gosh, I hope you washed that, man.

Baby, no, no, no. It's just an onion ring.

An onion ring?

Yeah. You know, like from Mars. You know, Mars has...

Mars?

Did you hear about the restaurant on Mars?

What?

Good food, no atmosphere.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, you're getting the hang of these jokes, Gravy.

I have a sobriety chip, too.

There we go. See this? Yup.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change

and the courage to change what I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Hear, hear. Cheers.

Maybe he could grant you the ability to

change a light bulb in the house, right?

Or put the toilet seat down?

Go, Trophy Mom.

KEKO: I know exactly what you talking about.

You wake up at 3:00 in the morning to go to pee

and then it's like you've fallen into a hammock.

Booty and everything, all wet.

Ladies and gentlemen, and it looks like the attitudes are heating up.

Bring out the bullhorns, it is time to go at it one more time.

Round two, one year later.

Felipa, go ahead and show us that ring.

Yes, it's so heavy.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Damn!

Sorry.

Well, you know. Thank you.

Very nice. Hey.

Francesca's got a ring, too. She got engaged with this guy.

Go ahead, Franny, show 'em.

Very nice.

Hey, when I become a millionaire,

that thing's gonna be huge, all right?

A millionaire? I'd be happy if you were a hundredaire.

This idiot brother puts an air foil on the back of my plumbing van.

Business has been kicking ever since we did that.

Hey, Jose, could you shove that antenna back into your love handle.

I think the Giants are playing the Dodgers.

Oh, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, yeah. I can do that.

You know, but I charge 14 bucks for the premium channels, fool.

Hey, y'all kids, keep it down over there! Okay?

This is not a library!

Chuckie!

SARA: Quit it.

Quit hitting your sister Sara!

Don't! Stop!

CHUCKIE: Can I hit you, Dad? Can I hit the dogs?

SARA: Can I hit a cupcake?

Me, too! I want to hit one of those...

(CHILDREN CLAMORING)

All right. It's cool. Just hit her, it's fine.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Yes?

I have a toast.

All that I've ever wanted to be

is who I'm becoming.

Nice. TOMMY: Hear, hear.

Cheers. Hear, hear.

Uh-oh.

Hey! Hey, Gunga Din.

What are you doing here? This is our site. Site 16.

No way! We have site 16.

Are you going to build a 7-Eleven here?

Yeah, right next to your nail salon.

Yeah.

JOSE: Oh, snap! Y'all hear that?

What are you people doing here?

Finish up the gardening and go.

Hey, things are heating up down there. I got one. I got one.

How do you know a Chinese guy broke into your house?

How? How?

Your homework's all done and he takes

an hour to pull out of your driveway.

Get it?

Come on, man. It's funny.

Did he just say that?

Yeah, he did.

Let me see that. Let me see that.

What did St. Peter say when he saw the Indian guy?

ALL: What?

"Hey, Jesus, your cab's here."

JOSE: Mine was funnier than that.

Okay, that's messed up. Yeah.

Hey, you guys still want campsite 16?

I think we need to have a little contest.

Yeah!

Contest?

Contest.

JOSE: It's over now!

KEKO: No math contest and no computer technology contest.

TOMMY: Yeah, no math and no science questions.

Yeah.

(ALL CLAMORING)