Original subtitles

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SMALL LOCAL TRAINS

Nothing, no effect!

Ten minutes, I don't get it. We should see a result by now.

I think it worked. -It fell asleep.

That's not possible.

You'll see.

See?

It's unbelievable!

It's always the same thing.

The insect falls asleep, but doesn't die.

Maybe it's not the poison.

Maybe it's the dose. -No, it's the product.

The sedative works, but your new poison...

I don't know if... -Listen, get rid of it!

So it's no longer an insecticide.

It's a sedative.

When the insect sleeps, we'll crush it.

Then we should sell a little fly swatter...

with your spray can.

Listen, this isn't serious.

Those are your words.

But it's a good slogan!

"Cic�ron powder kills all your insects dead."

Even the Humane Society's for it!

And your customers are against it.

No, L�on.

L�on, if we don't act, all will be lost.

Toximit, our competitor's, launching a new product.

Yes, their famous Superkiller.

Yes, I know.

"With Toximit your bugs will bugger off!"

It's just...

Did you call me? -Oh, it's you, good.

Hello, L�on. -Hello, madam.

Good morning.

Alright...

Hello, Emile!

I hope I'm not imposing.

No, dear Ad�la�de, you never impose.

You must know that.

Bitch!

Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?

No, it's about your son.

Is he in trouble again?

But how... how do you know?

In those situations, it's always her son, never yours.

Ad�la�de, please. -Listen, listen...

Wait. L�on!

Hello, aunt. -Hello, boy.

Hello, mum. -Hello, darling.

Hello, dad.

Did you want to see me?

He asks if I wanted to see him. I've been asking for you for three days.

Where were you those three days?

Where? -In Limoges.

I stopped in Limoges

To see your friend Robert.

Yes, exactly. -Always Robert!

And that dancing? Is that Robert?

And that copy of the "Folies Berg�re"? Is that Robert?

And that... strip joint. Is that also Robert?

Do you have problems with your imagination?

And this?

Is this Robert?

No, that's not Robert.

And this?

That's a picture.

I found all this in your office.

In the "Contacts with the Province" file.

What do you have to say?

Well, hurry!

Well?

Archiving error.

This should be in the "Contacts with Foreigners" file.

They're Americans. -I see.

And Americans are foreigners.

What do you mean?

Life's not just about starlets and actresses.

What's wrong with you? Can't you be like your father?

I've been young too and I also enjoyed my freedom.

But one day I started concentrating on the problem...

the very serious problem of insecticide!

And then... I married your mother.

It's time you took control of your life.

Certainly.

You need a home. -Yes.

A woman. -Alright.

Children! -That's why I'm here.

To have children? I don't get it. -Explain, dear G�rard.

It's clear, I understand. He wants to get married.

That's it. Thanks, aunt. -He wants to get married!

Get married?

Well, bravo.

That's good. A serious matter.

And...

Who's the young lady?

Suzy, a charming girl.

And she's the daughter of the famous Beauminet!

And what does he do?

A general?

No, not exactly.

A scientist then?

No, not really.

He's an artist.

An artist!

Drama actor.

With the Com�die-Fran�aise?

No, in Ch�teauroux. -What?

The P�rigeux.

Have you gone crazy? -Emile!

What does that famous daughter do?

She dances.

I knew it!

Her father's an actor and the daughter's a dancer!

And what does the mother do? Does she sing perhaps?

I think so. That depends on her part.

So the whole family.

No, her uncle's an...

acrobat. -What?

Or so it seems. -What does that mean?

Because you don't him know yet?

No.

It keeps getting better.

Does he work with animals? -Ad�la�de!

Soon he'll be working with my son.

What a great marriage!

The son of the king of insecticides marries who?

The daughter of an acrobat!

Do you think I'll accept that shame?

I've invented Cic�ron powder!

Cic�ron, there!

You're wrong!

You want to take me on?

I'm asking you to break up with those acrobats!

I'll break up, but not with them!

I'll break up with my father, the tyrant.

With his narrow-minded selfishness!

Get lost with your Cic�ron powder!

And with your flies!

Oh, excuse me.

Farewell, mother!

Aunt! -My son!

Where are you going, idiot?

To Ch�teauroux, to the Beauminet family!

To the Beauminets? -Exactly.

It may not be easy...

but I'll do it on my own!

Did you hear that? -To the Beauminets?

Farewell.

Sir!

He... he called me sir!

Excuse me, madam. I'm looking for Mr Beauminet.

Beauminet?

Yes, at the far end...

third floor, second door on the right.

Thank you.

Come here!

Don't come near me!

Don't touch me!

You have to admit...

C�sar Beauminet ACTOR

Answer... answer.

If you don't answer, I'll kill you.

I was told, sir...

I was told, sir...

Look, lady... -I was told, sir...

Slowly... Look, lady, see this glorious sword.

My ancestors used it to defend the King of France!

And I shall honour this sword!

Die, lady!

Isn't it beautiful? -I was told, sir...

that the Duke of Angoul�me, your royal cousin...

I was told, sir... -Hello, sir.

I was told Angoul�me... Damn, you've confused me.

I was told, my king, that...

Hold them, will you? -Yes.

What are you doing there? -Hello, madam.

Come with me.

Well, young man... Will you have lunch with us? Great!

Listen, I'm... -Relax, we're hospitable and cheap.

Hey, down there. Can someone help me?

You're in luck.

You go help him. -Me?

Do you like painting, young man?

Yes. -Come up then, son.

Look... this is a brush.

Take my place for a moment.

I'll have something to eat.

To table! To table everybody!

Here's the chicken!

The thigh's for granddad!

The chicken tastes good.

Suzy!

G�rard!

G�rard? Do you know him?

Yes, it's G�rard!

G�rard! G�rard!

Lard? I want some too.

No, it's G�rard!

What are you doing up there? Come down.

Would you like to eat something? -Please.

What else?

Fries!

We want some.

Have a seat, old chap.

When one has a guest, one takes off one's hat.

Women first.

So you're G�rard, young man.

Yes, Mr Beauminet.

The famous Beauminet.

The famous...

Are you... Where is he?

Here's the little guy.

Would you like some fries? -Yes, miss.

Careful.

I forgot to introduce my people.

Mrs Fanny Raymond...

my wife, the fourth.

May I? -Thank you.

Nice to meet you, madam.

Mr Albert Albert.

From the comedy... -From Montpellier.

Nice to meet you.

Pleased to meet you.

Miss C�line Valmont.

Sir. -Miss.

Ernest, a minor part.

But very talented.

Specialised in strongman games.

The strongest man at the table.

Thank you, boss.

And finally...

Our Nestor.

No talent, no charisma, but we like his beard.

He's deaf.

Hello, young man. Hold this.

Make yourself at home.

This is a hospitable place.

Not hungry, G�rard?

Not really. All the emotions...

I've got something for you to chew on.

Ah, yes!

Nuts!

I love them.

Careful now.

Come on, Marguerite, what's the problem?

It's because of the nuts.

Do they make you sad?

These nuts remind me of G�rard.

I don't see the connection.

You know he loved them.

Maybe he's hungry now. The poor boy.

Acrobats like nice food too, Marguerite.

The life of an artist's beautiful.

I could marry a tenor once.

I know, he got out just in time.

Unlike my sister.

Please.

Listen, let's not turn this into a drama.

Who told you they're acrobats?

And even then...

Some artists are responsible citizens...

and know how to receive guests.

I'm sure she's a charming girl.

You didn't say that earlier!

Maybe, but I've never said the opposite either!

We're talking about my son, not about yours.

Did you hear me? What is it?

Your car's ready, sir.

Very good.

Where are you going?

To Ch�teauroux. -To Ch�teauroux?

Oh, you're going there! -Yes.

To reassure you.

Hug the boy from me! -Yes.

Let me prepare something.

No time! Bye! Ad�la�de!

I had to deal with Buparti.

With Buparti.

A very talented artist.

Believe me if you want.

Coffee for the digestion? -Yes.

Everybody stood up.

They were applauding me.

Pass the sugar, please.

Sugar for granddad.

I forgot to say that...

all the women were looking at me.

Can I get the spoon... the little spoon?

Ernest, do something useful...

and give the old man a little spoon.

Here. -Thank you, young man.

So as I said...

I said the women were only looking at me.

That was my triumph in Saint-Florentin.

Hello? Yes, madam, that's here.

Mr G�rard Durand?

That's me!

Yes, one moment.

It's for you. -Thank you.

Hello?

Yes, speaking.

Is that you, mom?

Hi, mom!

Yes, everything's fine.

We had a nice meal.

What?

Dad's coming over?

He's already on the way?

What? -I see.

Yes, I understand.

No, I'm happy.

Yes, I will... we will...

a warm reception.

Bye, mom.

My father's coming here.

Young man, your father will be received very well.

Yes, of course, but... don't you have any Cic�ron powder?

Do you want to apply make-up?

No, it's an insecticide.

My father's the one who produces it, so if he finds it here...

Yes, G�rard, I'll say I need to get rid of some parasites.

No, no! -Come, go buy it.

Get the place ready. You clean the table...

and you look after the costumes.

Put on your best outfits.

You get the background ready.

The background! Unbelievable.

Laporte and Bonfils Bailiffs

No, no! You're very friendly, Mr Bonfils!

There is no more room in our society for such people.

I've gone to the Beauminet's house 20 times, in vain.

All the summons we send him, he sends back to us.

Something has to happen!

Of course. -Very good, Bonfils.

You'll go there this afternoon. -Me?

Yes, you.

But I'd prefer tomorrow. -No, no.

It's been "tomorrow" for 10 years.

Since we've been partners, you haven't been there once.

This will be your first time. Your christening.

Be brave, Bonfils.

And most of all...

don't be taken in by their antics.

They're comedians, they'll fool you.

So be strong.

Uncompromising.

Incorruptible.

Ruthless.

In short, put your heart in it.

Go. Go!

I'm going.

Go on. -Yes.

There's the king of insecticide.

Come, guys, quickly. He's on the stairs already.

What's the Roman outfit for?

When you receive a king, it's normal to dress like a Roman emperor.

That's all.

Mind your own business!

A bit risqu�.

Curtain.

Honour the father.

Praise all... parents.

I'm a father, facing another...

Since you're a king...

allow me, in this humble abode...

to pay you all the respect you deserve.

You're very friendly, but I'm here to...

We know, we know. -We look forward to it.

We're very pleased. -Make yourself at home.

The children aren't here yet, but they won't be long.

They'll be very surprised to see you here.

I'm here to... -Have a seat.

Why are you so tense?

Here you go!

Would you like something?

That's what I'm here for.

I like your simplicity.

You're very friendly...

and that brings me to why I'm here.

We'll all be able to agree.

My mission's very delicate.

My position isn't easy either.

I agree with that, but...

it's the first time this happens to me.

For me too. -Really?

Some situations are very delicate.

That's why you should have a glass of port.

I don't know if I should drink.

It's just a bottle of port... more.

That's too much.

I'm not used to drinking.

Oh, relax, there are moments when you really have to.

That's for sure.

To your health!

And to our children's happiness!

You must be a good father.

I am Bonfils.

Funny!

A beautiful piece.

A Voltaire chair.

Original.

I can tell you... excuse me.

I prefer this chair.

Louis XV style.

Ah, an expert!

Look at this Henry III buffet.

The value... is hard to estimate.

And Cic�ron powder keeps it in good shape.

Permit me to take some notes.

That speaks for itself considering the importance of our possessions.

We'll do the same when we're at your place.

Oh, this table.

The most beautiful piece in the house.

I wouldn't even sell it...

for a million.

A million?

But you have plenty of time to admire all these pieces.

Let's go back to our port.

Port!

To our meeting!

To the children's happiness.

To prosperity.

And to insecticide!

Nothing. -Nothing.

And? -Nothing.

And? -No.

Hey...

Why didn't you give the bailiff's papers to the Beauminets?

You go up yourself.

I'm not going all the way up there. -Alright, alright.

Excuse me, sir. I'm looking for Mr Beauminet.

Beauminet, second door, third floor.

Thank you.

Sir!

Excuse me, sir.

Would you mind giving this to Mr Beauminet?

Of course not. -Thank you, sir.

Thank you very much.

He's quite a dad!

Have a glass of wine and...!

He's a good citizen, based on his temperament.

Suzy has the keys, doesn't she?

Careful.

It's a bailiff.

What do we do?

First we change the interior. -What about Mr Durand?

Props, plates, furniture.

The baby's crying!

The background! -What?

Which sound? -The background!

Drunk like a skunk! Drunk like a skunk!

Hurry up!

The baby!

Are we ready? -Ready!

Attention! Open the door!

And cough well. -Tough? What?

Cough!

Come in.

Come in, sir.

Don't be afraid.

Is this the house of the famous Beauminet?

Yes, come in.

Come in.

Please, come in.

Allow me. Umbrella.

Hat, briefcase.

No, I want to keep this.

No chair.

There's no chair.

It's all gone.

Business is terrible.

All I have is debt.

Do you understand?

Yes, I understand.

Look, sir.

You probably already know why I'm here.

Alas, sir.

It's a very sad situation.

I think so too.

Thank you! Yes.

Well...

I don't know how to tell you... -Say nothing.

I understand your surprise.

Indeed! I didn't expect this.

It's all...

Oh well, who cares about possessions?

Careful, careful.

Careful!

That was a joke?

How cynical.

Excuse me? -Such cynicism!

What? -I said such cynicism!

Let's get down to business.

Alright. -Good.

You have a daughter. -Yes.

A very charming daughter. -My daughter.

Don't touch my daughter.

He wants to take her to...! It's disgusting.

That's it.

So...

you want to be paid in kind.

You didn't understand! -I understood very well!

Pig! -But that's a misunderstanding!

No, I understood very well! How cynical!

Hat!

Hat!

What? -Scissors!

Tie!

That was the tie!

Lapels!

Umbrella!

And the climax!

The climax!

He got away.

This is Beauminet!

Beauminet!

The Beauminet family!

Beauminet!

What an idiot!

That's my father.

Quick, here he is.

Beauminet! Beauminet...

Beauminet!

I'm glad we didn't go.

I did it!

That was good!

We got him well.

We did.

That was my father.

It was his father.

That was Mr Durand.

Poor boy.

And the other one? -That's the bailiff.

My port!

Drunk like a skunk!

And he sings too.

Drunk like a skunk! Drunk like a skunk!

Hat!

Hat!

The skunk!

Boom, just like the mailman.

He won't be back any time soon.

He's stubborn.

Ernest! The climax!

C�line, open the door.

Bravo! It's the gas man.

It's quite the day.

What do we do now?

It's time to recuperate.

What about G�rard?

Young man.

The theatre's one big family.

I adopt you.

You'll play the role of...

Ernest. -About time!

He'll learn!

You'll see. A beautiful journey.

First class.

Beautiful castles.

Theatres, enthusiastic crowds!

The great reception... What's this?

My father's powder.

I'm ashamed.

I'm ashamed.

No, Mr Beauminet, no. -Yes, ashamed.

Yes, ashamed.

It was just a mistake.

That was yesterday, today will be better.

That's the life of an artist.

Come, sir...

you have given me an inconceivable sensibility for your love.

And I'll spend all my physic in the affair...

but the patient shall kick up or else be yours.

Doctor in the house.

More than one.

Is that all?

My children do not have a choice.

Tickets and food.

The train's here. Get your luggage.

Very friendly of you.

Let me take that from you.

That's alright.

But you can't move.

I'm fine. I'm...

Oh, we're off!

Make some room for Ernest.

Ernest's getting some fresh air. -Thanks, boss.

Do you want some chicken, Robert?

I already had two thighs, mum!

Have a wing then!

I can't.

I didn't bring it for nothing.

You should eat well.

A bit of chicken? -Thank you, madam.

I'll have some ham.

You're hungry. -Definitely!

For a man your age... -Oh, well...

Tell me, sir. -Yes?

Mr Grandjean! Could you cut me a slice?

I don't want to impose.

Let's share.

In that case, I won't say no.

What about you?

Don't you want some p�t�? -Later.

After I've finished my chicken. -Right.

And you? Want some?

No, thanks. I have my own.

You'd be welcome.

Take this. -I'll hold it for you.

It's a beautiful ham. -Yes, the last one.

No! -The others haven't been smoked yet.

And the pigs are still too small.

It's not easy being a farmer.

Am I right, Mr Grandjean?

Yes, it's true. It's more suffering than wealth.

It's true!

Soon we won't be able to sell anything anymore.

That's for sure. With all these middlemen...

there won't be any sale from producer...

to consumer left. -It's true.

We hardly have anything to eat.

Absolutely.

So instead of making a profit...

we should be happy to have something to eat.

Please, miss.

Could you give it to Robert?

For Robert.

For Robert.

For Robert. -Camembert? Thanks!

No, for Robert!

Excuse me, sir. -Yes?

Mr Grandjean! -Yes?

Would you like a sip? -Thanks, I won't refuse.

Mum, I can't see anything.

Yes, it's a tunnel.

Do you have the bottle, Mr Grandjean? -No.

I gave it to Mr Labrouti.

Hey, don't touch the basket. -I didn't touch it.

Someone must be hungry.

Have you got my ham, Mr Grandjean? -No.

Take it easy, Robert.

But I didn't do anything.

Hey, my cheese!

What a long tunnel.

Turn on a light!

Here's a lighter.

The wind's blowing it out.

Impossible, the windows are closed.

The end of the tunnel!

My cheese!

I don't believe this.

My terrine's empty!

I had 6 eggs. There are only 4 left!

I'm sure there were 6.

Oh, no!

What did you do, Robert? -My cheese!

Oh no!

Where did my cheese go?

Thirsty?

Saint-Julien! Saint-Julien!

We're here.

Saint-Julien!

Hurry, we can't miss the connecting train!

A pity that it went so fast.

We didn't have time to get to know each other.

We'll remember you. Goodbye!

Hurry!

Goodbye, gentlemen. Have this.

Hurry, Ernest! -I'm coming.

Goodbye!

I hurry to save her!

And now, to the water!

Towards the tower!

Young man, you have talent.

This way!

You are wonderful.

No.

It's easy, you know? -Amazing!

Oh, no. -Yes.

G�rard! -Ah, aunt!

What are you doing here? -I was in the audience.

Did you like it? -Very much.

G�rard, I have to talk to you. Your dad's furious.

This is Suzy, the daughter of the famous Mr Beauminet.

I saw you on stage. You were very good.

But I didn't play tonight!

You're very good anyway. -The train.

We'll miss the train. -We have to talk.

Suzy, G�rard, come!

I promised your dad to bring you to Paris.

We're going tomorrow.

Are you going back tomorrow? -Yes!

I won't leave your side. -Go on!

Do you swear? -I swear!

But don't you see that Monsieur Jourdain, Madame...

eats all the pieces of food you have touched?

Mr Jourdain... -Face the audience.

That's it.

I am captivated by Mr Jourdain.

I'm crazy with joy! -You're talented!

Insecticide SHELLTOX

It's dead, sir.

Yes, it's dead! Of course it's dead!

This always works.

What do they put in it?

Shelltox!

Nothing! -What nothing?

No news. For eight days!

It worries me that we haven't heard from G�rard and Ad�la�de!

Leave me in peace with that family of yours!

But he's your son!

He may be in danger with those bohemians.

That's his own fault! -You have no heart.

You can't have everything!

Anyway, it's enough!

Let me work!

We'll discuss your sister during dinner.

During dinner!

No actually! It would ruin my appetite.

Excuse me, sir. Are you going to Marciac?

Yes.

Lucky, no?

My little sister's with me.

Call her.

If there's room for two, there's room for three.

Thank you.

Hurry!

What is this? An invasion?

We're family.

Go on, hurry!

Wait for me, guys!

Hey, guys!

Wait, guys!

with Ad�la�de Randu

What about Ernest? -He's not here. It's your part.

No. -Perfect!

Relax! Relax!

Ready, G�rard? -Ready!

Curtain. -What?

Curtain!

Ladies and gentlemen!

We're presenting an extract...

of "Cyrano de Bergerac"!

One of the best bits.

One of the best bits!

The duel.

The duel!

The ballad of the duel...

The ballad of the duel in the H�tel Burgundy...

Mr Bergerac duels a bum.

What is that, sir?

It's the title. -I see.

Wait, let me choose my rhymes.

I'm ready.

My hat I toss lightly away.

From my shoulders I slowly let fall...

Slowly.

The cloak which conceals my array...

And my sword from my scabbard I call...

Like C�ladon, graceful and tall...

Like Scaramouche, quick hand and brain...

And I warn you, dear Mirmydon...

I shall thrust when I end the refrain.

What do I do now?

The swords meet.

You were rash to join in the fray. -Shut up.

Like a fowl I shall carve you up small. -Want me to hit you?

Your ribs 'neath your doublet so gay... Ding! dong!

My point flits like a fly on the pane...

And I stab.

It's not finished. -It's not finished.

Refrain! Prince...

On the Lord you must call...

I gain ground, I advance once again...

I feint, I lunge...

and then...

and then...

and then... I stab!

That's it!

Edmond Rostand!

Attention!

Train 947 from Saint-Sulpice Lauri�re...

direction La Jonch�re...

with a stop in Limoges...

has a delay of 2 hours.

We're full! We're full!

We'll wait for the next one.

That was the only one.

Thank you.

Hey, Ad�la�de's no longer there.

Where's my aunt?

She was there just earlier.

Come, let's go. We'll find her.

Let's go!

Please, sir.

Open the gate, please!

Over here!

A bus! Stop!

Ad�la�de! Ad�la�de!

Yes, it's me. -What is this?

It's a bus. Come!

Come on, get in.

Get in!

What's happening?

We have a flat tyre, people.

Ernest, get a jack.

Hurry. -Hurry, yes.

What's keeping them?

What are we going to do?

Ah! There!

Hurry, that way!

Tell me briefly what it's about.

I've rewritten a piece by the great Victor Hugo.

A shortened version of Hernani.

The prologue and three acts of ten minutes each.

Great! -What do we play?

Hernani, idiot!

There's a problem, by the way.

I lost the props.

Our stagehand will give you everything you need.

The stage is that way. -Hurry.

Hurry up, we're late!

Curtain.

Hernani.

First act. Light!

Turn on the light, idiot!

Light!

Crazy.

Hernani.

Act one. -Two!

Oh, no!

What is this?

Roulette! Baccarat!

Will this continue during the entire show?

But this is a casino. -That's just great.

Go on stage. -Hello, gentlemen.

Is he here already?

Yes, at the hidden stairway.

Quick, let's open!

They put the door in backward.

Continue.

Good day, knight!

Hide me!

You, sir? -Me.

Why? -No reason.

All bets have been placed.

Oh, no!

Choose, madam.

This purse...

or this dagger!

No more bets.

Sir, you are the first of the conspirators.

Zero!

Hide me in the closet, please.

The closet.

Look!

But it's a fireplace.

Yes. -Alright then.

Do�a Sol!

Hernani!

Finally I see you!

This voice that speaks... -Place your bets!

This voice that speaks... -All bets have been placed.

This voice that speaks...

is your voice.

Tell me. One night when you were asleep, didn't an angel tell you...

No more bets.

Didn't an angel tell you how sweet you are?

When is the wedding?

On the seventh. -The seventh.

Involuntarily, I hope!

You thought this was a private conversation?

Yes, I heard everything from my closet!

Who is this man? -"She's a charming girl"...

What's happening? What is all this?

Stop the music!

It's alright. It's a dance hall.

What a joint!

Who is this man? -Ask heaven!

Please, gentlemen!

Gentlemen, place your bets.

This is impossible! I can't work like this!

That's it!

Curtain! Curtain!

Marguerite, I count on you...

to bring those two fools back.

I'd go with you, but I have work problems.

What, aren't things going well?

You know very well that my new insecticide only sends them to sleep.

and that my rat poison sends all the neighbourhood rats to sleep.

At least they won't eat anything while they sleep.

Very funny.

Wait, my package.

What's that? -This is for our son.

Hurry or you'll miss your train.

I'm so hungry!

I can't even feel it anymore.

That's part of the job, children.

We'll try to solve it after the show.

Right now the elite of St. Alban are waiting for us.

Ready, Duke?

Ah, "I shall reign..." -Don't worry.

To the stage! Curtain!

Where? -Curtain! Curtain!

Say so then! -Ernest!

I shall reign...

I shall reign... Wait!

I shall...

What a success! -But I didn't say anything.

They liked you. -I'll go back.

I shall reign, I'm 20 years of age.

I'll be flying on wings of youth and love.

My capital is waiting for me.

Sun on my flags, the air with shouts is rent...

Oh, triumphant return!

The Champs Elys�es, with their chestnut scent...

Waft me fair welcome as I ride.

Indomitable Paris will cheer me on!

All weapons will be filled with flowers.

It were like kissing France upon the mouth...

when one is loved by Paris.

Paris, I can already hear the bells.

Mother?

Paris! Paris!

In the clear water of the Seine...

I see the reflected roof of the Louvre.

Everything alright?

And you who showed my father the weapons.

And dad?

And you who showed my father the weapons.

In the snow and in the simoom...

I saw an old soldier...

Is it for me?

I felt your tears on my face.

Paris! Saint Helena!

It's my mother! Tonight...

Sch�nbrunn!

Forgive me, please. I'm a bit tired.

I understand. Why don't you stay for dinner?

No, thank you. I'm rather exhausted.

This is all so new to me.

I had very different expectations of your little group.

My husband gave me quite a description.

Emil always thought it was ridiculous.

Goodnight, Ad�la�de. -Goodnight, Marguerite.

Goodnight, my son.

Goodnight, miss.

You're charming!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Bye, mum.

Oh, G�rard! -Yes?

I'm stupid. I forgot to give you this.

Thanks, mum.

Very sweet. Bye, mum. -Bye, dear.

Bye, everybody! -Bye, madam.

Two bottles of Beaujolais.

Yes, sir. -No!

One bottle.

Quick!

And now we'll play "Enjoy your meal, sir."

My socks!

Cancel the Beaujolais.

It's great!

What's this? -Don't touch it.

It's really wonderful.

Toximit! Toximit!

Thanks to my famous product...

no more mites and moths.

They disappear immediately...

thanks to my good old Toximit.

Toximit!

Toxi... Toximit!

That's all I hear.

It's a big advertising campaign.

But the product doesn't add anything.

So what? It's all about advertising.

It's not about the parasites, it's about the people!

They do have great slogans.

Toximit insecticide! No insect can hide!

Yes.

Or for instance...

Toximit insecticide gives moths a rough ride!

Moths will have had it when you pull out the Toximit!

When you apply Toximit spray all your moths will go away.

Of course. -We'll have to find something better.

I think that would be hard.

I thought...

If I may make a little suggestion.

Speak.

When Cic�ron comes to town your cockroaches turn brown.

You're an idiot.

Cockroaches are always brown. -They're black, sir.

Black or brown is the same.

They have a dark colour. It's a matter of colour.

And don't pull that face!

I don't do that either.

Everybody abandoned me... my clients, my family...

Have you got any news?

My wife left 5 days ago.

And I'm looking for slogans.

Great!

Let's try it.

With Cic�ron, your cockroaches will be gone.

I don't want to say anything. I'm getting it all mixed up.

We'll see tomorrow.

That's 1,500 francs.

Yes, 1,500 new francs.

What do you mean? Just as I said.

150,000 old francs!

Did he get paid?

Good. You're welcome.

That's the cherry on the cake.

They don't only disappear, but they're using cheques too.

All I get is a simple card: "Don't worry, everything's fine."

We have to do something!

We have to stop them before a disaster happens.

We have to find them. But how?

Should I go to the police then?

May I make a little suggestion?

Go ahead.

We got this card this morning.

So?

It was mailed in Clergoux in the Corr�ze.

So? They may not be there anymore.

Well, these shows often last several days.

So?

I think that if we search the region...

we can easily find them.

Alright.

Let's start searching!

We're here!

Are you happy? -Yes.

The artist life's beautiful.

Hey, isn't there any pie left?

The good thing about our lives is freedom.

The great freedom of nature...

doesn't need to be advertised.

I understand you, sir. -My cheese!

Who took my cheese?

It was her!

I admit it. It was me.

Children! Real children!

In this job, you never grow old.

Always fun, no worries...

and the great joy of getting by...

without being part of the sedentary masses.

We're wise...

we're bucolic.

And others are fast!

They're lucky!

Would you like to stop for a moment?

To eat something?

We have no time. We need to find them.

Listen. Are you listening to me?

Right, wait. Brigueil? -Done.

Brigueil, done. Saint-Christophe?

Done. -Saint-Christophe, done.

Chabrac? -Done.

Chabrac, done.

After Chabrac, Saint-Quentin?

Still too much sedative.

Found it!

Straight ahead.

Sir, sir!

How do we go to Laffage-sur-Lirette?

He doesn't understand.

How do we go to Laffage-sur-Lirette?

Well...

Take...

that way.

And on that little road...

turn right at the last house.

That way?

You can't get it wrong.

Turn left at the forest.

Keep going straight all the way until the farm.

Yes.

Then you see three roads.

Only take one.

Go to the right...

compared to the one in the middle.

Go left twice...

until you reach the barbed wire.

It's a disgrace to put it there!

Then you keep going straight...

and you'll arrive in Laffage-sur-Lirette without a problem!

You can't get it wrong.

L�on!

L�on! Where is he?

L�on! L�on, where are you?

Here, sir. -Why do you have your feet in the water?

Because of the door, sir. -Come out of there.

Oh, those mosquitoes! I wish I had Shelltox.

Oh, sir... -Yes, yes, come!

Now what?

The headlights were on all night. -So what?

It's the battery.

For sure. -And now?

Shelltox, Toximit... the battery... and now?

Well, it's... -Yes, the battery.

Listen!

This afternoon...

opening of the new...

communal party hall...

with a performance of the famous...

Mrs Fanny Beauminet...

Miss Suzy Beauminet...

Beauminet and the entire troupe...

in the great creation...

by Mr Deplantain...

mayor...

of Laffage-sur-Lirette.

"Consul Romulus"

Affordable entrance fee.

Start at 3 pm.

Spread the word.

Look.

Excuse me.

But it isn't finished.

We only need to fill up a few holes.

It's the opening. -Opening or not! That's no reason.

Everything will be alright, you'll see.

It's the best party hall in the region.

Counterweights, lighting, everything!

It's like a castle. -Not that big, but still.

Mr Beauminet! -The famous Mr Beauminet.

Yes, the famous Mr Beauminet.

I heard that you'll play my work 'Romulus'...

which is a Roman piece, in crusader outfits?

Mayor, you wrote the play, but I'm playing it.

The habit doesn't make the monk. It's all about how you say it.

A tarp.

What? The wall isn't finished?

It's an opening!

An opening! And what about the acoustics?

Acoustics, yes!

Silence!

It'll be alright.

No, that's impossible.

Consul Romulus in a harness loses all meaning.

We could call him Commander Romulus. Where are we staying?

In the court. -In the court...

It's heated.

Oh, Masilia, you're so beautiful!

Masilia, I'm your slave! -Are you mad, that's not in the text.

You own Ernestus' heart!

Let go off me! What's wrong with you?

Fanny, I've understood and I don't say no.

Your heart, your look, your eyes...

You haven't understood anything. You're crazy.

But let me tell you...

Get out and disappear before Beauminet gets here.

I'm not afraid of him.

You don't know him when he gets angry. He's like a bull!

Go!

Beauminet!

The famous Beauminet surrounded by ducks and chickens.

That's the countryside.

It's that way.

We're in trouble now.

Ernest, where are you?

What a palace.

What's wrong -With me? Nothing.

20 minutes. We have time to rehearse.

Yes, let's rehearse on stage.

No, it's much more quiet here.

Here? -It's better here.

Do you think so?

Alright, let's start then.

Cheers. -Thank you.

The big scene. His return from Carthage.

And here's Romulus, preceded by his retenue.

Heavens! My husband!

What's wrong with you?

We need the shield-bearer. Where's Ernest?

We'll do without him.

You say his lines.

We won't miss him.

On the contrary.

And here's Romulus, preceded by his retenue.

Heavens! My husband!

Oh, my beautiful little shield-bearer!

The shield-bearer in the closet.

Your life's over!

Hide from my bloodthirsty husband.

Walk towards the closet.

Go!

You open the door.

Open the door!

What's wrong with you?

It's the draft.

Understood? You open the door.

And I close it again.

Once again.

There's no need, I've understood.

Come here.

Open up, madam!

It's your loyal husband, back from the land of the infidels.

Sir!

I lost the key!

Damn!

Do I have to break open the door?

But it's not that door! -So what, we're just rehearsing.

The shield-bearer.

Guards!

My sword.

The door is closed. Open it.

Come on.

Attack!

My new dress!

There!

Perfect!

Don't you think it's time...

My costume.

I'll give it to you. -Good.

The character of a Roman crusader...

...with the hairdo of Titus.

A new wave.

What does that mean?

Ernest?

In my room?

In my closet!

How cynical. -But listen...

How cynical!

You, bastard!

I'll teach you! -Let me explain!

What's happening?

You're right on time. They're rehearsing your play.

They're doing really well.

Such realism! What an artist!

And he's right. It's about the way you say it.

Come quickly, sir!

He'll kill him! -Is it for real?

Quickly! -Mr Mayor!

What is it? -The prefect has arrived.

The prefect? -Hurry!

Mistress! No!

Did you make a poster for the public announcement?

We don't have one. -Make one then!

Maybe we can use this.

Are you crazy? I had this picture taken of the hall.

But we can write on the back.

Good idea. Go ahead.

Sir! -Yes.

Are there any people? -Yes, have a look.

It's full.

Commander Romulus Roman play

Can I?

You're crazy, it's empty.

What do you mean, it's chockablock.

with the famous Beauminet

Are you making fun of me? There's no one there!

You're completely senile.

Excuse me, Mayor.

Curtain! Close the curtain!

Music! Music!

Music! Music!

Sit down!

Sit down!

Sit down!

Sit down!

Sit down! Sit down!

Hat! Hat!

Hat!

Hat, sir!

Hat.

Mr Mayor, we can use these to make the sounds.

That's the cackling of chickens and this is the sound of galloping horses.

This is the sound of seagulls.

Don't get it wrong. -Certainly not.

Don't worry, I know my own play.

Ready? Let's go.

G�rard!

The clock strikes two!

It was 2 o'clock a while ago.

Oh, 15 past.

Sleep. citizens, sleep!

The guards are keeping watch.

In Rome and on the river Po all is quiet.

Well, they lowered the bridge.

They had to grease it today.

Hey there, on the tower! Nothing in sight?

Then you can lift the bridge.

Everybody wakes up.

The city's reborn.

Damn!

People are exchanging experiences...

Keep your spirits up!

When in Rome, do as the Romans do!

Marius is your slave, at your feet, Masilia!

Get up, Marius!

My husband, Romulus...

who left 30 years ago to conquer Carthage...

could come back tomorrow.!

He should not find you at my feet.

He's a Roman!

I know he's ruthless and won't want to share.

He's proud and jealous. He'll kill us for sure.

And he'll kill himself. And what will we do...

What will we do all three when we'll be dead?

Go!

Ad�la�de?

Ad�la�de!

Mistress! I have news that will please you..

Romulus is in sight! He's returning as conqueror!

Already.

30 years later.

I'll become slave again.

Hide, traitors!

In the attic or the basement.

My wife! My wife!

Centurion! -Masilia!

Go up the tower! -The tower?

The tower! -The tower!

The tower! I'm off!

It broke, madam, but I'll go anyway!

I'm off! To the tower!

I'm going! -Go!

I'll go up! -Go up!

If only I could.

Fly up there! -I'm flying.

No, I'm gliding.

You, my loyal servant...

go up the tower as well!

Me? -You.

Like this? -Like that.

But where to? -Wherever you want, go!

This is an order! -I'll go, mistress!

Do you see no one coming?

Romulus is coming!

Goodbye, my treasure!

Your house, your heart and your body...

belonged to me yesterday!

But now, alas!

Change of decor.

Oh, you, my loyal servant.

Do you see nothing coming?

I see but a cloud of dust.

But behind it is a whole army.

I can already hear the chariots...

and the galloping of their horses.

And the galloping of their horses!

Mayor! Galloping horses!

Oh, yes. -The galloping of their horses!

Galloping horses!

And of an entire train!

They must have stopped to let their horses drink..

Hey, I'm getting tired!

Leave me alone! Put that back.

Such despair!

And madness!

Romulus cannot survive.

How do we achieve that?

How? I know. Poison!

Who can give us some? -A devoted friend!

A devoted friend!

I see him over there!

I give him a signal!

He's coming, here he is!

Well done.

Oh, Brutus, my best friend!

Did you bring the brew we needed?

The brew! -How old I am? 68.

No, the poison! -Oh, the poison! The poison!

So where's the brew?

The poison? One moment! I'll get it.

Hurry! A bottle, a can, a glass.

Something, quickly!

No, that's no good!

Take this one. -Thanks!

Here is your brew.

Bravo, Brutus! -Infallible!

That?

Cicero insecticide against flies and parasites!

It must be an ad. -Have you heard of it?

No, but it could be good.

Yes, it's brilliant!

Does it also kill bedbugs?

Yes, it kills the lot of them!

That's my son.

Conqueror Romulus returned from far away regions.

Watch the arrival of the glorious legions.

Couldn't you dress like a Roman, like everybody?

I did.

Liar! Look at the others!

How good to be home again!

Close the doors behind me!

I was followed by Carthaginians!

My son! -Mum!

That's my wife!

Tell us about your adventures!

We left and went north.

To my left, Pollux, to my right, Castor.

A 100 metres ahead of me was Vespasian...

alone in his chariot.

Suddenly the enemy...

the barbarians...

jumped right in front of us.

Excuse me.

Come on!

The leader was exhausted...

That's my sister-in-law!

Look at her!

While you were fighting in Pompei...

Masilia cheated on you with Marius...

in front of us!

On this great day...

we hear the trumpets.

Marius...

I forgive you.

You don't need to hide in the closet, you bum.

Friend, I am glad to see...

...this smile on your face.

Give me my...

Masilia!

Oh, magnanimous king...

I am your husband!

Maybe use some Cic�ron powder!

For the honour of the name I gave you...

come in my arms, wife.

I forgive you all!

Your joy pleases me, Marius.

Come here.

Is it true it kills everything? -Everything!

Is it bad for the vegetables? -No, not at all.

Is it bad for the soil? -No.

Put me down for 10 kg. -And me for 40!

Write down 10, 10, 40...

Romulus, second act.

The famine!

Music!

Stop!

To celebrate my return to the Palatine Hill...

I want to prepare a feast...

on this great day!

Alas, there is nothing left!

No more wine!

No more rabbits, nothing!

No more bread!

There is famine from Rome to Salamis!

What will become of us?

What will become of us?

Poverty is a noble thing...

But what will happen when our table stays empty?

The soup? -Burnt.

The henhouse? -Nothing.

Typhoid killed all our poultry.

No chickens for six months, master!

Another big problem.

Because of this terrible famine, vermin have multiplied.

Against vermin... Cic�ron!

No chickens or anything.

When the roosters are widowers...

no chicks... no chickens...

no eggs.

Continue!

We have had to eat our poor dog Vespus.

He was already half eaten by fleas!

Against fleas... Cic�ron!

Dad! -Emile!

The last piglet...

The sow had no more milk.

And the cow? -Eaten!

And my child? -I haven't seen him for 6 months.

Mr Mayor, please. -No! Get out!

The last cat died during its last purr. -Eaten by cockroaches!

Against cockroaches... Cic�ron!

They're impossible! They have to leave!

It's a scandal!

Bravo, Beauminet, long live Cic�ron!

Get out, sir! You're ruining the show!

They're my family!

Come here! -No way!

Come here! -No!

Stop him!

Stop him!

Stop him! -Are you the mayor?

Cic�ron!

Bravo, Beauminet!

Such publicity!

Cic�ron, the champion of insecticides!

Thanks to Cic�ron your problems will be gone!

What are you doing? Unbelievable!

Cic�ron!

Stop!

My wig!

Mr Mayor... Mr Mayor, please!

Attention! Watch out! Attack!

The ball!

Haven't you seen the mayor?

Listen... quiet!

Everything goes quiet, it's night.

Let him down!

Angels came down from heaven!

Are you the mayor?

Wait for me! Help!

Where's the mayor?

Did you hurt yourself?

Sir! -What?

Look!

There.

Isn't that a fly?

Don't come closer.

It's a fly. -Don't come closer.

Ah yes, not enough sedative.

The Durand-Beauminet Company presents Romulus - An Insecticide Drama

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