Original subtitles

I'm so excited, this is like.

It could be the best day of my life.

Okay, how do you want your Luna bar?

Over easy, medium rare?

Uh, chef's discretion's fine.

Okay, it actually needs a few more minutes.

Oh, my God, I'm about to beat these losers

in a virtual fish tank tournament.

I just unlocked a mako shark.

Oh, no, you're playing fish games again?

Who did this to you?

I'm actually getting really good at it.

Like, if someone put me in charge of the Great Barrier Reef,

it would be a whole different situation over there.

Okay, look, as your friend, and someone who sometimes

relies on you financially, I need you to know

that fish games are not cool or cute,

and it's not good to be good at them.

It is good. Think about it.

If a girl likes that I like fish,

then she likes me for who I really am.

A guy who somehow looks like both a pedophile

and a small child?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm dynamic.

Okay, look, can you just... Just for today,

let's put down your screen and act like a grown-up.

Also, put sunscreen on your nose.

- I don't want sunscreen. - Well, you need it.

- Come on! Hey! - Okay.

Oh, my God, it's time to go.

The smell of teenage girls.

What kind of parents let their daughters

sleep in Koreatown overnight for lipstick?

Um, amazing parents.

Okay, so this pop-up, things could get crazy.

Teenage girls think they're gonna live forever,

and they will trample if provoked.

Benji, do you hear me? They will trample.

Maybe I should've worn my compression shorts.

Are you sure you don't want a diaper?

They're actually a lot more breathable than I thought.

Do I wanna wear a diaper?

It's not... I know it seems bad, I get that,

But it's really good.

Are they adult diapers or are they just for fat toddlers?

They're for medium-sized children, okay?

So you were cooking me Luna bars with piss in your pants?

You realize that's a health code violation?

In my diaper... piss in my diapy.

Now that I think about it, can you wipe me?

- I'm not wiping you. - I need to be changed.

- I've got a crazy idea. - What?

What if you got makeup at a department store like an adult?

I am here to support Kylie.

She's a young, beautiful, female entrepreneur.

The future is female, Kylie is female, makeup is female.

This is a holistic, body-positive,

female-positive experience.

You realize every girl behind you in line

wants to slit your throat

- 'cause you're in front of them? - That's crazy.

They're child soldiers.

OMG, I'm totally obsessed with your sun hat.

Oh, thank you.

Your skin is unreal.

What kind of sunscreen do you use?

I'm so glad you asked.

It's very smart for a woman of your age

to start these things early.

You have to start your regimen young.

I use Kirkland Signature.

I have the tub in my tent if you wanted to try some.

Just listen to me a sec, okay? There's no way that girl

really thinks the hat you found

in an In-N-Out dumpster is cute.

It was beside the dumpster.

No, wait, you're right, it was in the dumpster. I jumped in.

It was in the dumpster.

Dumb-dumb, she's trying to cut you in line.

And taking joke photos of your shoes right now.

What?

What is your name?

Get outta here. Get out before I call your principal.

I'd like to see how your arches hold up

when you're in your 20s.

- I'm glad you're here. - I'm glad you took that hat off.

It was like a sad Blossom situation.

You're right. Look, this is why I need you here.

I'm so frazzled by the makeup,

I can't tell which teenagers are good

and which teenagers are bad.

You gotta be tough. They're all tigers out there.

Yeah.

You went to public school, right?

- Duh. - So you know how to be tough.

- Yeah. - You ever sit

with the goth kids at lunch?

- Yeah. - And how'd you behave?

There you go.

Morning, ladies.

I am coming around with wristbands.

The number determines your place in line.

Whew. Wait, where's David?

They're about to hand out the wristbands and he's not here yet.

You called another guy here?

I haven't told you about David?

Is David the burrito artist

who makes you the Quesaritos real cheap?

No, David is the EMT that 911 sent over

to change the batteries in my smoke alarm.

He saved my life.

He brought you double-A batteries and that saved your life?

I'm pretty sure he's a hero.

I don't know if that's a hero.

Heroes, like, land planes in the Hudson.

- Hey. - David.

Thank God you're here.

I was so worried you were gonna miss the wristbands,

but you made it just in time.

I parked the ambulance in a red zone.

Just one of the perks of the job.

So cool.

Hey! No cutting!

Your parents got divorced

'cause they couldn't stop fighting

about how to deal with your learning disability.

Your line game is strong.

Yeah, I got an eye for toxic L.A. parenting; that's my thing.

- Cool. I'm David. - Hey, David, what's up? Benji.

We're just friends, we've never had sex or anything.

Cool. Neither have we.

Okay, team, listen up.

There's a five-product limit per person.

I want us walking out of there with no less than 20 lip kits.

We're three people, and three times five is 15.

Five, five, ten. I'm gonna figure out how to get ten.

You're one person, though.

Yeah, I'll... I'll flash somebody

or I'll...

I'll figure it out.

Nice. You're the Suge Knight of the lip gloss game.

Benji, lip gloss. What am I, 12?

Lip kits, Benji, lip kits.

Lip gloss is for babies, okay?

Lip kits are matte liquid.

And they have matching pencil liners.

Someone read my Kylie dossier.

- Thank you, David. - Yeah.

Hey, check it out. I brought this CPR dummy from work.

- Oh, cool! - Oh, my God!

I always wanted to learn CPR,

but part of my lung collapsed when I was nine,

- so they won't let me. - That makes sense.

You wouldn't have the pulmonary strength.

- I could help somebody. - Right.

- Like a rabbit. - Really?

Yeah. Just so you know,

he is in the safety industry,

so if you would like for us to be closer to the front of the line

for safety reasons just let us know.

Mm-hmm.

Dummy doesn't get a wristband.

- Sure. - Thank you for your service.

Are you on Facebook by any chance?

- So, uh... you're a paramedic, I see. - Yeah.

So is there a rivalry between you and doctors?

Is it like a Blood and Cripps thing?

Not really. I mean, paramedics save way more lives than doctors,

or as we call them in the break room, second responders.

I mean, doctors do great work.

It's an honorable profession.

For coke addicts. I'm so sorry. I can't help it.

I love that one.

All right, well, um,

guess your new babysitter's here,

and I wanna get in some steps, so I'm just gonna go.

Oh. But you'll be back by 10:00.

- By 9:30. - Okay. Cool.

- Remember, don't trust these teens. - Got it. Confirmed.

Yes! Yes!

Wow, this is legit.

Oh, yeah.

You beautiful, wet angels.

If I had gills, I would jump in and swim with you,

but I don't have gills.

Oh, my God, I love you.

Hey, man, we are no longer a weed store.

Oh, cool, yeah. I'm just fish browsing.

I'm not looking to do anything crazy.

I know that face.

What face?

She's a bitch, right?

- I don't know... - Yeah, they're all the same.

Can't live up to those expectations. Am I not right?

I'd rather die alone.

I think you're misreading my face.

I'm not in a relationship.

I just like admiring pretty things from a distance.

You know, like saltwater fish

and Instagram models, stuff like that.

Fish are great. I have sad guys coming in here.

They buy one fish, their lives change so dramatically.

Yeah, that's what I was saying,

and then my friend was like,

"Women are sexually repulsed by fish."

No, man, ladies love to see a man

adjust the salinity levels in the aquatic environment.

That's how I met two of my three ex-wives.

I'm more of a novice. I just watch fish YouTube videos.

Not like creepy fish sex stuff.

Just regular fish stuff.

I didn't know I was in the presence of a real reefer.

A reefer? I thought you said

this place isn't a weed store anymore.

No, man, a saltwater tank man.

That's what we call a reefer.

- You're just gonna smoke weed? - Mm-hmm.

All barefoot, smokin' weed?

Isn't your boss gonna get mad at you?

I'm the boss.

Let me show you some things.

- You got it made, dude. - God, you're skinny.

Thanks, man.

Okay, so they're out

of the birthday edition mini-mattes.

What do you do?

Limited edition Apricot lip kit,

- or Head Over Heels lip kit? - Limited edition?

I'll show it to you again.

Apricot isn't limited edition anymore.

- Okay? - Right, of course. I knew that.

For David? Thanks, man.

Ice on the side.

- Thank you. - Wow, is that for me?

Yeah.

That's really thoughtful.

Hi. Can I help you?

I overheard you talking about getting

the Valentine's edition colors,

but I really think you could pull off

the Holiday 2016 color palette.

The Holiday... what...

Those colors are all so dark. I don't...

It would be a really good look for you.

And you all think this?

You all think that I could pull off those dark browns

and burgundies on my porcelain skin?

- Totally! - Yes!

So hot.

I'm Esther. Do you guys wanna hang out in my tent?

I have orange slices and sticker books.

Sure. Where did you even get this cool tent?

Uhm, oh I got it online

with mac and cheese proofs of purchases.

Benji said those teens can't be trusted.

Those were the other teens.

- These ones are my friends. - I don't know, Esther.

Store opens in 30 minutes.

Oh, my God.

Where the hell is Benji?

He should be here.

Are you tracking his phone location?

Oh, I turned on location sharing when he was in the shower once,

just for his own safety.

That's... really thoughtful, Esther.

Safety's super important.

I know. Oh, my God!

He's at a fish store?!

Why would he bail on me at the last second?

They could be holding him against his will.

That stuff happens way more often than people think.

I don't know what to do.

I really wanna trauma bond with those teens,

but we really need Benji here.

I'll go get Benji.

Oh, thank you so much

for being my damn rock today, David.

No problem.

Hey, you guys,

do you guys like Zendaya?

- Yeah. - I love her.

Harry Styles is, like, whatever, right?

I've been making eye contact with the same fish

for, like, 30 seconds,

and it's really powerful.

The inside of this tank is mirrored.

Yeah. It's like it's

reflecting my hopes and dreams back at me.

No, man, the walls are mirrored.

They're looking at themselves,

but they're tricked, and they think they're looking at a friend.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Then I should get mirrors in my room.

Hey, man, it's David.

Hey, man, it's Benji. I know who you are.

Hey, my name is Stan.

Good. Hey, Esther's freaking out.

She's been in the sun way too long,

and teenagers are breaking her down, trying to cut in line.

All right, let's go help Esther

live her best life.

It's so cool how supportive you are.

My roommates won't even let me cook chili for them anymore.

Whoa! Who are these guys?

Those are mandarin gobies.

They're actually on sale.

Buy one, get the second one half off.

They're really hard to kill.

You mean they're easy to take care of.

No, they're really hard to kill.

Benji, do you have an aquarium?

No, it's just a fantasy right now.

You have to get one of these.

Cool guy like you, you gotta have the coolest fish.

Wait a sec. What is that?

It looks expensive.

That is the golden puffer,

the jewel of the tank.

Okay, I want that one, and I'm naming it Marisol.

Cool!

Where have you been? Where's Benji?

Man, he is getting a sweet set-up

with really great fish.

There's a dogfish, a small fish with big teeth,

- a big fish with small teeth. - What?

- Cool gloves. - Oh, thank you.

Are you about to do a magic trick for the teens?

No, it's actually a sea salt vitamin hand mask.

The teenagers gave 'em to me.

They said it will help activate it.

It's probably done by now.

Oooh...

I think they looked better before.

Benji usually stops me from using strangers' cosmetics.

Okay, you're just having a reaction.

Do you have any allergies?

Uh, yes, I do.

I'm allergic to dust, feathers, grass,

some wheats, some cookies.

Okay, just remain calm.

We're gonna bring the swelling down here.

There we go. That's nice.

This day was supposed to be about me, you know,

and then Benji's making it about him,

and it's like his 25th birthday party all over again.

No, he just seemed like he was passionate about fish.

It's good for people to have hobbies, like your makeup thing.

Okay, well, makeup is more than a hobby.

It's important you know that.

Sure, sure.

Can I see your wristband?

Um, can I see your badge, please?

- 26 and 27. - Oh, cool.

I'm 25. We're neighbors.

I'm 25 1/2, if we're being technical.

Um, I'm sorry, but,

I just wanna let you know

that's actually my friend Benji's wristband.

Actually, it is my wristband,

'cause I just purchased it from some weird guy at a fish store.

If that were the case, that would be extremely illegal,

and you might be giving birth to your baby in prison.

Well, go ahead and hire yourself

a legal team, and I'll take my chances.

- I will. I will sue you. - See you in court.

- I'll sue you and your baby. - I hope you do.

Good. Is your baby even real? It looks like a fake stomach.

It's all round and perfect. Okay.

Cool. Why don't you find out? Why don't you touch it?

- I will. - And I'll slap your face.

I won't touch it, but I know that it's fake.

You think just 'cause you're pregnant

that the world just belongs to you,

and you get to do whatever you want?

Yeah, I've been really feeling

like the world is my oyster lately.

I can't sleep, I can't move,

I waddle, my feet are huge,

but, yeah, I feel like Queen of the World.

- Good luck. Best of luck to you. - Good luck to you.

- No, really good luck. - Best wishes.

- Happy New Year. - Yeah, you, too. Have a good one.

I have to get out of here. Take care of this criminal.

Yeah, I'm on it. Birthday Edition mini-mattes,

anything from the Valentine's collection,

and at least one Cotton Candy Cream Kylighter.

That is so, so sexy.

I'm sorry, but I have to root against you.

Yeah, I don't care what you do.

Benji!

What's going on in here?

Okay, I don't sell weed out of here anymore.

The smell is lingering. It's baked in the rafters.

I don't care about your drugs,

but everyone does know users are losers. Just keep that in mind.

It's medicinal. I have restless neck syndrome.

I feel like I have that. Do you know what the symptoms are?

You don't have that. Your neck's fine.

Are you buying fish?

What's going on with your hands?

The teens, they poisoned me.

This is what happens when you're not around.

That's terrible.

David said the only way to save me is for you to come back

and get your wristband back, and get me my lip kits.

I can't get my wristband back.

That's not how scalping rules work.

You don't know how the law works,

and you're going to prison for life, buddy,

'cause I'm gonna call the cops,

'cause I always tattle, and you know that.

I know for a fact that your dad scalped Blackhawks tickets

- and only went to jail for 24 hours. - Don't bring that up.

It was very traumatic seeing my dad go away in a paddy wagon

when I was just 11.

I don't know if I can sell you this fish in this environment.

Fish have learned trauma. They're very sensitive creatures.

It's not like that. My environment's fine.

She's not my girlfriend.

I'm not his girlfriend.

Oh, so this little pistol shrimp is single.

My name is Stan. I'm a small business owner.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Esther. I'm an independent contractor.

Very nice to meet you. I'm enchanted, of course.

I am seeing someone today, though,

so we'll have to a pin in this.

Oh. That's what this is about.

You need fish to lord over because you're jealous

that I'm with David.

Oh, please. You and David went on one date.

He bought me a $40 Postmates boba.

- No promo? - No promo.

Esther, I'm really happy for you,

but I'm a reefer now, and this is where I belong.

All right, I guess I'll go get my lip kits without you.

Some friendship.

So dramatic.

All right, all right.

She does have a point though, man.

Reefers have really lonely lives.

You were just saying that you get tons of chicks.

I lie to win.

Matte-minis, Valentine's collection,

limited edition anything.

The store is open!

Relax, okay. Be safe, be safe.

Don't push. Some people are scared, here alone.

David! Excuse me.

Excuse me, sorry. I'm in there. I'm in there. Sorry.

Hi. I'm number 26. The rest of my party's inside.

Mm-hmm. Deli rules. Once your number has passed,

- it's the end of the line. - I don't follow.

Okay, excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me, sorry. My friends.

You guys, friends, hey. It's me, remember?

You tried to poison me. It's all good.

I don't care. You don't wanna hang?

Okay. Okay. Excuse me. Sorry. Emergency.

Sorry. Fire marshal. Sorry.

Hi. I had to leave the line

to stop my short, annoying Jewish friend

from buying a saltwater fish tank.

Oh, my God, that is the saddest thing I've ever heard.

I lost an uncle to ships in a bottle.

- Please, go ahead of us. - Thank you so much.

All right, I followed your stupid rules

and played your silly games.

Let me in.

The store is at capacity.

What?

But my sunglasses.

I left them inside with my mom.

You'll have to wait till the next person leaves.

David.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Excuse me, has anybody seen

the Candy Cream Kylighter?

He's doing it, he's doing it.

David.

Oh, my God, you got everything.

I mean, except for the limited edition Kylighter,

but that was a pipe dream.

Yeah. I mean, unless...

Kylighter?!

It's brown; it's all they had left.

Brown. Okay, that... that's cool.

Psych!

It's Strawberry Shortcake. I tricked you this time.

Oh, my God! Um, can we go to my place?

I really wanna put sweatpants on.

Actually, Benji asked if I could help him set up the fish tank.

Oh, no. Well, can you just tell him no?

I can't refuse to help someone, Esther.

I took the Hippocratic oath.

Okay. Will you hurry back?

You got it.

I'm a paramedic wife now.

So how'd you get into fish?

Well, I had a fish tank when I was a little kid.

I was sort of raised by my housekeeper Marisol,

and she helped me get my tank together.

That's great. I was raised by my parents.

And then, she had to go to Oaxaca

'cause her mom got really sick,

and all my fish died, but her mom's fine.

Oh. So it's not all bad.

I was staring at dead fish for about a year and a half

until anybody noticed.

Yikes.

Oh, my God.

Look, please don't be judge-y.

I know what you're thinking, but you've got weird hobbies, too.

We slept outside for makeup last night.

You're gonna compare that to being tricked

by a tropical fish cult leader?

Guys, hold on, 'cause that fish right there

looks like it's wearing makeup,

and that's the best of both worlds.

David, that fish looks like it needs makeup.

- Don't bring Giselle into this. - What are girls gonna think

when you bring them back to this fish hell?

- Who cares what girls think? - You do.

- All the time. - I don't know. Maybe they'll think,

"Oh, I thought Benji was a lonely loser,"

and then they see the fish, and then they'll be like,

"Oh, he's actually kinda cool."

Why don't you just be supportive? How's that?

I am being supportive, okay?

But you are now a single adult male

with a tropical fish tank in your bed, okay?

I tried to help you,

but since you're now clearly beyond being saved,

there's something you should know.

The only kind of girl you're ever gonna get

with a fish tank like this is a girl like me.

- I think your fish are cool. - You're a fish girl.

And just so you know, I mean a girl like me.

Obviously not me. I think you're gross.

- You're gross. - David, grab your purse. Let's go.

I knew you had fish vibes.

See ya, bud.

Man, these fish are boring.

Oh, my fish are starving.

- Hey. - Hey.

Where's David? I thought you guys were on a date.

Yeah, we were on a date,

and then a school bus rolled over on the freeway,

and he "had to go."

Look, you've never dated a guy with a job, right?

He's literally saving people's lives right now.

Okay, well, I am not gonna compete

for some guy's attention, okay?

I'm too old for that shit.

Cat's out of the bag.

You're a fish girl.

If you want, I'll take you to the fish store

and help you get a starter kit.

It makes me sad that we have another thing in common.

What? It's fine. I like fish, you like fish.

Dude, your paramedic boyfriend is crazy about fish.

Oh, there's something I have to tell you.

- What? - I maybe sent David,

like, a million break-up texts

that were totally insane,

and I definitely can't come back from,

and he's not my boyfriend anymore.

- Did you send him a... - Crying video? Yeah.

But it was, like, a cute cry, you know.

Yeah, it's over.

Look, if I have to have a paramedic boyfriend,

and I obviously do,

I'm gonna get one the old-fashioned way, okay, Benj?

By faking an extremely elaborate emergency.

How much fro-yo do you think I need to eat

before I get hypothermia?

You don't have to actually get hypothermia.

Did you buy any blue eyeshadow at that Kylie thing?

Oh, my God. You're a genius.

Yeah, I'm a genius, but let's finish our yogurts first.

David made a lot of good choices.

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