Original subtitles

- Who would win in a fight- - Ultimate Warrior.

That wasn't-

I wasn't going to say Ultimate Warrior.

Well, you said "Who would win in a fight?"

and it's Ultimate Warrior.

You have to say, "Aside from Ultimate Warrior,"

or give me specific choices.

- Give me some time. - Give me some choices.

Who do you think would win in a fight, Marty,

or Armenian Frank?

- Armenian Frank, not Italian Frank? - No, Armenian Frank.

- Who? - Marty.

- Why? - Marty could have a secret weapon

that none of us know about.

Like a nuke...

Who do you think is a better bowler?

Ultimate Warrior.

♪ I don't want to go

♪ I don't want to go

♪ On my own

♪ On my own

♪ I don't want to go

♪ On my own

♪ And so you know the bottom might trump you

♪ And then where would the best of us be

♪ Well some kind of flow

♪ So jealous of ghosts

♪ Not a candlestick maker, not me

♪ I don't want to go

♪ I don't want to go...

Marty!

Look at you dumbshits in yer bow ties!

Where did you boys pick this up?

Valeting.

It is a 2004. It is in great shape.

It's a nice car.

Very nice. Clean. I'll move it easy.

- Clean interior. - Yep.

Except for this fry I found. Here you go, Jethro.

Alright... Let's say six?

- What, that's fair! - Marty, I've got a mortgage.

I'll tell you what,

eight thousand five hundred, not a penny less.

Damn right!

Seven thousand.

- Alright, we'll take it. - Fine.

It is endlessly fucked up to me

that you steal cars from dead people.

- They're not dead people. - They're dead peoples' relatives.

- I remember when you were nice boys. - Yes...

You're breaking my heart, Marty.

My favorite, favorite, favorite degenerates.

Okay, Barbara Walters or Cloris Leachman?

Cloris Leachman, no question.

No not-I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking Cloris Leachman in Young Frankenstein.

But Cloris Leechman now.

- Hi y'all. - Hey.

- How's it going? - It's alright, alright.

Just getting settled in.

I went to my school, it's pretty close.

- Yeah- - Uh just one thing though...

About the rent.

I was really hoping to be able to pay the whole amount.

You know, it's just that I haven't found work yet.

Right...

The FEMA money that we got

is only a two thousand dollar cash card.

And then they tell me now

that they don't know when

the rest can be processed, so...

- I can't really afford... - What?

Fifteen hundred to fourteen hundred.

Ah...

- Say a thousand a month, is that okay? - Really?!

Thank you, thank you. That is so nice of you!

It's pretty wonderful, you know,

you getting on the property ladder

at such a young age, Alan.

- Impressive. - Yeah, thank you.

So what is it that you do?

- Hey boys. - Hey, what it is.

- Juice. - Thank you.

So what do you want?

- Um... - Ah...

Well, aren't we forgetting something?

- Ah yes. - Alan, come on.

- Well it is a Wiggles Waffles policy. - Alan-

That when a server - that'd be you,

greets the customer - that'd be us,

that you must perform the Wiggles Waffles Wiggle.

Alan, please.

Welcome to Wiggles, the Wiggles Waffles Wiggle

Thank you for wiggling into Wiggles Waffles...

...Diner.

- Oh God, every time. - So stupid!

Fuck you, bed-shitter!

Whoa!

So...

what's the grift of the day?

Actually, forget it. I don't want to know.

Well actually, we can't decide today.

You know you should just snatch some old ladies' purses.

- It's more direct. - No, please.

What do we look like? Criminals?

Well, looks can be deceiving.

That's precisely why we're so successful.

So, Mom called yesterday.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Dad got into another bar fight.

Mom's really upset. You should really call her.

Well I will have the pancakes... Pancakes?

- Yes, please. - Pancakes, sure.

It's from both of us...

Hey, Mac, how're you doing?

- Mountain View? - Alright.

- Another wiggle? - Oh yeah.

Welcome to Wiggles, the Wiggles Waffles Wiggle

Thank you for wiggling...

Who do I think is a better bowler? Who or who?

You don't say anyone I'm going to say me.

- Who talks that fast?! - Me.

When do you ever- you never talked that fast.

- Yes I do. I talk this fast all the time. - No you-

- It's ridiculous. - Who are we burying today?

I dunno.

I left the paper at Wiggles.

Sloppy, Alan. That's sloppy.

Sorry for your loss.

Condolences.

Is that...

Any good CD's over there?

Oh, let's see.

Kelly Clarkson.

Kelly Clarkson.

Kelly Clarkson - Christmas Is A Time For Giving.

- Mariah Sings Kelly Clarkson, - Dude...

- Oh my God... - and Rammstein.

Oh right, with the Kelly Clarkson...

What is it? Gimme this...

Amanda?

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck! Fuck!

- Fuck, look at the... at the- - Oh yeah!

Oh yeah. Did we steal...?

- Yeah, we fucking did! - We stole your ex-girlfriend's car?

We stole Amanda's car. I don't believe this.

Oh my God!

The one time I didn't scout the paper.

- Oh shit. Oh shit. - What?

Oh shit...

- Okay, just pull over. - Okay, I am.

- Right here? - Yeah, right here's good.

Be careful, don't hit the curb.

I'm not gonna hit the curb.

- Smiles. - Smile, we should smile?

Yeah, we didn't do anything wrong.

License and registration, please.

License and registration.

Yes, uh...

Sorry.

I'm a little deaf in this ear.

Here you go.

You know at what speed you were driving, just there?

Forty-ish

- in a twenty-five. - Twenty-five?

School zone.

So which one of you two is Amanda Beekler?

Amanda is my girlfriend.

Yeah, here actually...

- Here's a picture of us, right here. - Oh yeah.

That's us. We were at Guido's.

- It was our six-month anniversary. - Cute.

Then we went home and had the weirdest sex.

Alright, son.

No, apparently if you're double-jointed here then-

Enough. I'm going to let you two off with a warning.

- Thank you. - You two have a pleasant afternoon.

You as well.

What are you two?

Waiters?

- Well- - Hey, hold on, hold on.

Let's just leave the car.

With who, the florist?

Well, there's no need to interrupt them in their...

...time of need,

so let's just drop the keys off and get out of here.

What do you say?

You want to ding-dong-ditch a Mercedes

that you stole from your ex-girlfriend

on the day her father was buried?

Yeah. I do. That's what I want to do.

So I'm gonna do that.

Um... Amanda...

Hi.

Wow...

Hi.

Hey, Amanda.

Alan.

Um... Listen, we just wanted to tell you that we...

...are very sorry to hear about your father's, uh...

That's all?

Yeah.

Yeah, well...

Yeah...

This is so like you.

What... you don't know what I'm... what is so like me?

You're a liar.

And a coward, Ben.

And maybe one day you'll realize that

it's not some great embarrassment to have feelings.

Or care about someone. You know?

Probably you won't figure it out

until you're an old, pathetic man

who lives in a flophouse downtown

trying to steal enough food from the garbage can

to keep your incontinent body from shutting down

from pity and boredom

- Geez... - I'm not finished, Alan.

- Alright. - I was ready to share forever with you.

But did you care? No!

You'd rather share it with him

and steal, steal, steal, Alan, Alan,

I mean, was I just some hole for you?

What does he have that I don't have?

Well, an indoor voice.

- Do you know why we broke up? - I have some hypotheses.

A thousand reasons, but mainly because I could not pierce

your emotional exoskeleton, no matter how hard I tried.

What is so funny?

You did just say emotional exoskeleton?

- Yeah. And? - Yeah, okay. Definitely.

- That was what was funny. - Fuck you!

I told you I loved you and... I was wrong.

Okay. Because a love could never ever feel...

So strong.

Stop.

- What is so god damn funny?! - I am not laughing, he...

I'm sorry. You speak in Michael Bolton lyrics.

- That's funny. - Fuck you, Alan. Fuck you.

You are ugly and you have a little dick.

- Large for my height. - How would you... listen-

Please, okay, I just want to tell you that today

- we were working, okay- - You were stealing.

...at Mountain View, around noon,

and totally, coincidentally,

- Without any malice- - Or whatever we took...

I should have known it was you. You stole my car?

Yeah, but we didn't know until after.

You stole my fucking car!

- It wasn't like... - ...but we did.

- And we're sorry. - We're so sorry.

- And I still love you. - And I still love you... um...

I don't still love you...

I don't like you... I don't hate you...

it's in the middle. It's right in the middle.

Ow!

It... it's ambivalence, mainly...

You really wanna do another funeral today?

Ah, I'm open. What do you feel like?

What is it?

Hey.

Is he wearing camouflage?

- Hey. - You want some tea?

No.

You want to come out of the hedge?

What are you doing, Alan? He probably has lice.

Ben!

Hey, shouldn't you be at school?

I'm not going today.

Look, kid, if you want to do good in school...

Well.

If you want to do well in school,

You got to keep showing up.

Until graduation.

When did you graduate?

That is a good question. When did you graduate?

That's - that's not the point.

There's something called a G.E.D.

Anyways... Stay in school.

Okay? Get a job.

Don't drink and drive.

Just say no.

- Okay, we gotta go to work. - Yeah.

What do you do?

Can I come with you to your job or something?

I've got money.

I can buy sodas.

I don't think your mom would like that very much.

She won't care.

So, what kind of placement are you looking for, Lynette?

Anything really. I just would love to get to work.

Okay.

Your resume looks... fine.

Do you have call center experience?

No, I don't. But I like people.

Okay. And what's your WPM?

- Excuse me? - Words per minute.

Oh.

Thirty, thirty five.

- Right... - But I'm getting faster.

Are you up to date on Mac OS-X?

Um, some yeah.

The older version, I think.

Excel?

Uh, no-

Quicken... or should I bother to ask?

I'm sorry...

- Hey look at this. - Hey!

Dickhead!

Why you talk so funny?

Shut up, Scott.

- Part of growing up. - Or what, Dickhead?

Get off me!

Ooh. Kid's got a jab.

You gonna cry, pussy?

Hey! That's enough of that. Get out of here.

Leave him alone.

Get!

- What do you got? - Oh nice!

They're unlocked.

- Are you really do that? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, what're you doing?

Come here.

It was an accident.

So you're new here, aren't you, this year?

Yeah.

What school did you come from? Luther Burbank?

No... Louisiana.

We just moved here.

After the hurricane?

That must have been scary.

Yeah.

Well I'm glad that you're here now.

I'll keep my eye on you,

and if any of the kids give you a hard time

I'll have them suspended. Understand?

Okay.

- Can I go now? - Mm-hmm.

- I'll see you tomorrow. - Yeah, see you tomorrow.

Hi, Mom.

How was your interview?

The same.

What happened to your face?

I got punched.

Yeah, I can see that. Let momma see.

- I think it's cool. - No Kelsey! It's not cool!

- Who hit you? - One of my friends I made at school.

We were playing chase.

It was an accident.

Well go put some ice on it.

We don't have any.

Well, there then.

Keep that on there.

Go do your schoolwork.

- You got arrested? Really? - No, not really.

But it was close.

- We did a valet job... Nothing fancy - Mm-hmm.

but I got caught speeding in a school zone

and then the next thing we know we've got boyfriends in Chino.

You guys are stupid.

Well, we got out of it Mel so...

Yeah, but you could have gone to prison. A Felony.

Come on! I just don't understand

how you can live like that.

I wonder what's in the pie case today.

Pie is in the pie case probably, Ben.

Let me just check it out.

I just don't know how you could come here every day.

It's easy. I get up in the morning

and I go to work, that's it.

So do I. That's it.

No, what you do isn't work, it's-

Well it pays my bills. And sometimes yours.

That's not fair.

Look, you can't be a thief forever.

What are you going to do? I mean, come on!

Go back to school, get a job.

- Fuck it-I could get you a job here. - Are you nuts?

- Stop it. - Me? Waiting tables?

- Wiggling? - Don't you dare insult waiting tables.

- Just don't. - Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm not made to, you know, sling bacon and juice

for whatever shithead sits down in a booth.

So what happens when you luck runs out? Then what?

This never runs out.

You've got to be kidding me.

Says the girl who's wearing a waffle.

Don't. Don't. I don't want it.

You too good for it?

You're gonna start paying your own tuition?

Ben. You're leaving.

Okay.

- Alright. - Did you stick your fingers in my pie?

I barely touched it.

I find it difficult to listen to Mel's version of reason.

We've had a plan,

it's always worked, we've never been caught.

Yeah, but what if she's right, you know.

What if our luck runs out?

Our con-luck or our like, regular-person-luck?

I don't know. I guess both.

Well, how I figure it,

our circumstances such as they were in Fresno

provided us few options.

Right.

So whatever we had to do to get there,

I figure, we're sort of karmically okay for doing.

What are you doing with those clothes?

I told you to hang them up.

I accidentally shrunk them.

I knew you were gonna say that! Goddammit Kelsey!

I told you exactly what to do and junk!

Goddammit!

Fetch me those clothes pins you little Satan.

You ruined my nice blouse...

- Sorry, Mom. - I don't want your sorries!

I wanted my friggin' wardrobe.

I guess someone's soda money is gonna be helping

get me some decent interview clothes now, huh?

Yes, Mom.

- Stupid! - I said I'm sorry...

Just get in the house, Kelsey. Get out of my face.

Now!

Oh, that boy. I swear.

Well...

I, uh...

I...

I dunno...

Hey.

Melanie Manilow? What a pleasant surprise!

- Hey, Marty. - Hi, yourself.

You're look positively winsome...

- 'Winsome'...? - He's has a vocabulary calendar.

Yes, I do. Excuse me.

My seat's over here.

Watermelon?

No I can't, I have to study later.

So how you been living, Mel? You looking good.

I mean, healthy.

Yeah. I'm fine. Marty. How are you?

- Yeah, pretty good... Pretty good... - Yeah?

- A little lonely. - Oh.

Gets lonely at the shop, working...

Alone...

Going back to an empty place.

No furniture.

No furniture?

Danish.

- That's nice. - Nothing warm though, like a lady...

Okay...

I'm gonna go see-

I forgot what's in the corner over here...

- Oh yeah, there it is. - Did that get weird?

- Yes. - Hey guys.

Who's this?

- Oh, this is... - Kelsey.

Kelsey. Kelsey, this is my sister Melanie.

You know Ben. And this is my-

SU-perior.

That means boss.

- So Kelsey, what's up? - Can someone take me to the store?

I ran out of Hungry Mans and there's no more food.

Well, where's your mom?

I dunno.

But I've got some money.

See. And I'll trade you some sodas for a ride.

- No. - Would you like a steak instead?

- Okay. - But I'll take a soda.

You can pick. I've got cherry, grape,

cherry coke and... yeah.

- Wow, great. - Come on.

- I'm going for it! - You're gonna ask her out?

I know just what to do.

Did you see the way she looked at me?

I'm gonna mix a Squirt and a Root beer,

I call it a Squoot Beer.

I'd just like a Squirt.

I wouldn't drink that, there's a lot of tequila...

That's impressive...

Careful, careful, careful, Marty!

Is he? He's out. He's out.

Oh man...

He hit his head pretty hard.

Yeah... he had the melon to break it.

Well there's only one thing we can do.

What happened? Did he drink the whole thing?

He was just doing it to impress you.

Oh. It so worked...

- Kelsey. You got any markers? - Yeah.

Cool. We need them. Get 'em.

Can I talk to you two for a second?

I don't care what you say, Mel, I'm drawing dicks on his face.

No, it's not about that. Shit, I'll help.

It's... have you been in there?

- In there? - Yeah.

- No. - No.

- She must not- - Mel,

It can't be that bad. They just moved in.

No seriously, it's bad.

You should call someone, like the authorities.

Or, you know...

Well it's not really our business, so...

No, I'm serious.

It's bad. It's like neglect.

You should do something.

Okay, I will do something.

I will.

I will draw a big hairy dick on Marty's forehead.

Yeah, we'll start with that and go from there.

- Yeah, we'll see. - Yeah.

- Purple! - Green.

Thanks, Kelsey.

- Mom? - Hmm?

I cleaned up.

Right. Supper. Ahh...

- You want me to throw something- - I did it already.

- You want some? - No.

You want a soda?

- I... gotta go out. - You just got home.

Yeah, well, Momma'a gotta have a life, okay?

Just 'cause she had you don't mean...

Just go to bed at ten.

You hear me?

You hear me, Kelsey?

Well, see you in the morning.

Bye...

- Hello? - Vince Ortega, CDCS for Wyatt Joelson,

Sixth grade civics, Newberry.

Very funny, Vince. How you doing?

Ah, what's up, buddy. I'm good.

Just drowning in paperwork.

You were smart to get out, man.

Was I? I'm drowning in homework.

What's going on?

I caught a name, should be up at your school.

- Who's the kid? - Kelsey Patterson.

Yeah, I got him in my fifth period social studies.

What's your take then?

Don't really have one.

He's quiet, he's an odd kid.

He's new. He doesn't have any friends.

I honestly don't know him that well.

What's the complaint?

Just general neglect, from the neighbor.

Do you want to do me a favor?

I'd like to see my wife this month.

Will you go talk to the mother,

if it looks bad, call me and we'll pull him.

- Okay? - All right. What's the address?

Lynette Patterson?

Hello?

Anybody home?

Alan, we have a visitor.

Cop?

Hello? Is anybody home?

Uh, we're not religious.

It's not about that.

- Hey. - Hi.

Who did you say you were...?

I'm just looking for Lynette Patterson,

Kelsey's mom.

Oh, no, wrong house. They're over there, actually.

There was a report made,

actually a complaint filed by Melanie Manilow.

Is she home?

Oh.

No. She's my sister,

but she doesn't live here.

Oh, because she filed a report with Child Protective Services.

Melanie's a little...

Do you guys notice anything

out of the ordinary? Any neglect?

- Well- - I wouldn't say 'neglect',

but I mean the mother doesn't seem

to give the kid much time.

Mel said there wasn't any food over there.

So your general impression

is that this isn't an abuse case,

just that this women shouldn't win

any Mother-Of-The-Year awards?

Definitely.

I mean, we had it rougher than he does.

Alright, well thanks for your time.

- Yeah. - Yeah, sure.

So what do you think you're gonna do like,

what do you do now?

Do you guys call the police or anything?

No. I'll just have look around, probably send a notice out.

Cool. That's all?

I mean, if I can I'd like to spare him the system.

Getting processed is... well...

- It should be the last resort. - Really?

Yeah, I mean if this kid's being

severely beaten or starved.

No. Whoa!

Then you process

and the kid gets bounced from one house to the next,

and you hope the family is not

just doing it for the food stamps.

Shit! I had no idea.

- Thanks for your time. - Cool, yeah sure.

Bye.

What do you guys feel like?

How about the next time you send

any law enforcement agency to the house,

give us a heads up.

What?

Better yet, don't do it at all.

- Child services? - Yeah.

So what happened?

He left a note.

- A note? That's it? - Yeah.

He said it looked okay to him.

I don't believe that.

Look, maybe our shitty, fucked up upbringings made us...

You in particular, Mel - susceptible to overreaction.

Kelsey, you in there?

- Oh... - Can I help you?

Hi, I was just looking for my brother, Alan.

In my windows? In my house?

Sorry. I should just go.

They're not here, I think they're working.

I know it's not any of my business,

but I know how you keep this place,

keep Kelsey.

And I've seen the condition of the house.

- It's unacceptable. - You're right it's not your business.

You know what? It doesn't matter.

Because I've talked to Kelsey,

and I know what's going on here

and being out of work is not an excuse.

Okay?

Hey.

You buy that car on a waitress salary? On tips?

- No, it was a gift. - Oh.

I thought not.

Okay...

You're a fucking bitch!

So, what kind of placement are you looking for, Lynette?

Um... anything really.

I just would love to get to work.

Okay. Your resume looks... fine.

Do you have call center experience?

No, I don't. But I like people.

Mm-hmm. Excel?

No.

Filing?

Do you have any useful skills for office work?

Look just get me- just fucking get me a job!

I need a fucking job. Just a job, okay. Whatever.

I'll learn anything

I drove here with nothing. And don't you...

Don't you sit there with your fucking...

Fuck...

Can you please help me?

Hey guys.

Here, my mom sent me over with this.

Okay.

So, what you doing?

Chess.

You ever play?

Sometimes with my Grandpa.

That's cool. Where's he live?

Heaven.

So you guys must not be very good,

the pieces are all mixed up.

Whatever you say, Bobby Fisher.

- You'll have to play sometime. - That'll be fun.

But you'll have to come up with something to bet. Right?

I mean, no game is all that much fun

without a little risk.

You'll learn that when you get older.

Oh, I got stuff to bet.

Yeah, we don't need any sodas, Kelsey.

I got Penthouses'.

Yeah, seven of them. You guys must have some too.

Maybe we could like trade some.

- Wow... - I've seen mine bunches of times.

We unfortunately have to go light ourselves on fire.

- What? What did I do? - Nothing.

We just have to get up early for work. So...

You mean stealing cars?

All the cars in front of the house all the time...

That's what you do, huh?

- It's complicated. - Stealing cars?

- Nope, actually it's not- - Ben?!

What? What?

A ten year old thinks we steal cars.

- Hey, I'm twelve. - Whatever.

It's an easier explanation than

my uncle owns a used car dealership

in Torrance and he lends me the cars to test them out.

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Twellman and Sons.

Autocircle Way right off the Five in Torrance.

- My dad's brother. - My dad has a new family...

Doesn't want us anymore...

You see, that's not fair.

So maybe tomorrow we can play chess?

Mm-hmm.

See ya, bud.

Or...

- We could trade Penthouses. - La-la-la...

Okay. Whoo-yes...

Geez.

Awesome!

Hey Mark, it's... me.

You know that though, don't you...

I'm sorry to call, I'm just in a...

I'm in a spot.

I'm looking for work,

and I am this time, I am...

I just wish that you could be responsible for Kelsey.

Just for a little while. Just till I get on my feet.

Because I'm over my...

And Sherry, Sherry you better not delete this.

Mark, you can't just take him? I mean he's your son too!

Hello?

- Is it broken? - No.

Hello?

H-Hello.

Can we help you?

Ah... ah... sorry. Just um... Nah, nothing...

- Did you need something? - Yes...

I was gonna ask if I could borrow some eggs.

But when I knocked the door just came right open.

I didn't know if you were here, so I just came on in.

Well, I'll leave you be. I'll see y'all later.

Don't you want those eggs?

Yes.

Sorry, thank you. That'd be really nice.

- How many? - Two's fine.

Thanks.

Since you're here,

the check for the rent didn't clear.

Oh, thanks.

The bank said that the account had been closed.

Oh... did...

Oh... oh.

God, I wrote this from my old account.

With my husband.

My ex-husband.

Ex...

Sorry, I don't know what I was...

- Old habits. - Yeah.

Um...

Maybe there's...

...another way we could...

...the three of us...

...come to an understanding.

I think the check...

Yeah. I have a check in the house.

Just leave it in the mailbox, whenever.

Sure.

Night.

Hey, Lynette.

What is this?

Oh my God, she's...

Lynette!

Lynette!

"Kelsey, there is forty-six dollars

in my purse in the kitchen.

- Mommy had to..." - Oh my God...

Okay, okay...

Wait. Wait-wait-wait...

What, what, what?

Get some gloves.

- Why? - The cops will send him to a group home.

- Come on, Ben! - Okay. Okay.

About a month ago.

Single.

No family...

Hey guys.

Hey.

- How'd you get me out of school? - Easy.

I said I was your uncle Alan.

Awesome!

You wanna go get some food?

Sure, why not.

Hey.

Hey Kelsey, what's up?

They got me out of school.

Oh. So I can see.

- Pretty cool, huh? - Yeah...

Here, let's go sit.

Right over there.

I've never been here before.

Yeah, it's pretty cool. We come here a lot.

When you're not test driving cars for your uncle?

Huh? Oh yeah, yeah, right.

Did you pick yet?

You can have anything you want, okay?

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Thanks.

Um... Please, I will have the chocolate chip waffles.

And fish sticks.

And...

...a Red Bull.

Okay.

- Is she okay? - Yeah.

Yeah, I think so.

Kelsey, we uh...

We have to...

This isn't going to be...

Okay, um...

Okay.

When I was about as old as you are I lived on a farm.

Outside of Fresno. My dad, and brother, and Mom and I.

When I was your age...

My older brother, Ric,

he was fourteen,

he fell off the barn.

Our barn. We were playing up there...

And, um...

He broke his back in seven places.

Cracked his head...

I mean... couldn't walk, brain damage.

And eventually...

...he died.

And that was - that was hard on me,

it was hard on my dad...

No secret Ric was his favorite.

And, um...

At that age... your age,

like I was then...

it's impossible not to blame yourself.

You know, find a hundred different ways

that you could have shaped the day

not to end up on that roof.

Or even just...

Even just some reason that this kind of terrible shit

has to happen to people who are

basically good. I mean, a good person.

You know? Someone who was...

trying...

But we all get a...

We all get a bag of hammers.

You know what I mean? Whether it's being poor,

or catching cancer,

divorce...

Losing your brother...

Losing your mother...

You know what I mean, Kelsey? It's...

But the thing is, is what you do with these hammers.

When you get 'em...

Because that shows you what kind of a man you are.

Even if you're not ready to be one yet.

So...

This is gonna be hard to hear.

Okay?

Okay.

Your mom died today.

I'm sorry, man.

I'm really sorry about that.

What's up?

So...

What do you want to do now?

Just let him sleep, man.

He's had a rough day.

Fine, but...

What do you wanna...

you know,

when are we gonna get him situated?

Oh. Um...

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Tomorrow we'll pick him up a mattress

or a sofa bed, or futon-

Whoa, won't the foster-whatever have a...

Dude, they're not gonna buy us a mattress.

- 'Us?' - Kelsey.

- No- - Besides, if we tell them we have him,

obviously they're going to take him away.

Well, we're not gonna keep him.

Dude, that...

That wasn't the plan.

You're not like all of a sudden...

What did you think we hid him from the cops for?

I dunno. Keep him out of a group home?

I think it's time to, you know, step up.

And I think this happened to us for a reason.

- We can't even keep fish! - Ben, you're spiraling.

What about his real father?

I mean, he must have...

Yeah of course, sure, but no, he's not involved.

It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

At least he's blood, better than nothing.

- We're not 'nothing.' - Well, I know when the novelty wears off

- and you ditch this kid, that's forever. - No.

His father isn't your father.

That's nice.

The last thing the kid needs

is to be gotten rid of one more time

so let's just find out where his dad is

and take him there.

I can't go to my dad!

I don't even know him.

How long have you been standing there?

I haven't seen him since I was little.

He doesn't want me. That's what he said.

- Kelsey- - No, I won't go!

What if you had to go?

I'd run away.

That's harder than it sounds, bud.

Trust me, I know.

I'd start stealing cars, like you two.

I don't know. Okay?

Don't make me go.

Okay?

Don't make me go.

Promise?

Okay.

Promise.

Go back to bed, okay.

Ben?

Ben...

- Ben- - You just promised him he could stay.

- Did you see his face? - He's twelve. He'll get over it.

- How can you say that? - We steal shit.

We do what we want. We do not raise children.

That is not what we set out to do.

He has no one.

We had each other.

Him or me?

I decided.

Well, fuck you!

- Ben. - Hi, Marty.

You look perturbed.

What the fuck's the matter with you?

I just... I need a place to sleep.

Take the Camry, in the garage.

What's going on?

Where's Alan?

We had a fight.

Ah.

Alan wants to keep Kelsey.

For a sleepover?

What? No!

The mother punched her own ticket and now...

- No shit. - Yeah.

And now Alan just wants to just change

our whole fucking situation

so I was like 'no.'

- No fucking way. No. - No, no. Ben, listen...

I'm no psychologist.

Relationships? Never been my strong point.

Look at you two. You're lucky.

Out here ten years -

nothing but each other.

You and Alan together...

So?

So you're worthless to me without each other.

Because you won't make a dime.

Thanks for the...

Jesus, Marty!

♪ And the swell of my sea is the call of all being

♪ And the sun brings me through

♪ And the moon draws the waves

♪ and the pull of my heart to the stars I keep seeing

♪ I am light I am dark I am no more afraid

♪ We are off for all time

♪ We are off as still feeling

♪ Praise the Lord we are one...

Oh my god. I am so sorry. I completely didn't see you.

Oh, me neither.

Oh that's my crystal decanter

for my father's sixty-fifth birthday.

Did I tell you about my son?

I wanted him to go to dental school,

but no, he wants to study photography.

That's my curse.

- and I said to him- - What am I supposed to do?

This was like four hundred dollars!

Where's the receipt?

- What the fuck?! - Hey...

- Hey. - I didn't see you.

Out of curiosity, how much did you take today?

About a hundred.

- A hundred? - Yep.

Dollars?

Stealing Girl Scout cookies? Giving sperm?

Maybe if you grew up to

man sized crimes instead of pranks.

No? Is it too much?

Fucking amateur hour.

I told you you'd be worthless solo.

What's wrong?

Ben left.

What?

He won't stay if I keep Kelsey.

I'm not just gonna put him into foster care,

I'm not gonna get rid of him. He's staying with me.

What are you talking about? Alan...?

It's fine, it's cool. No one knows, Melanie.

We hide everything from the police...

What do you mean you hid everything from the police?

Are you crazy?

This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!

What is your problem?

I am helping this kid, that's wrong?

- Even if that were true... - It is true!

You don't know how to do anything

except walk out on people.

- I'm not going to do that to him. - Well you did it to me.

- Mel, I had to get out. - You took Ben. Not me.

Who got hit when you left?

- That's not my fault. - Of course it's not your fault.

Nothing's your fault.

Are you mad at me?

No.

Why not?

- Why would I be mad at you? - Where did Ben go?

Is he coming back?

I don't know.

Can I stay?

Yep.

Cool.

Yo' man, can I get a smoke from ya?

Ah...

Do I look like a father to you?

Do I look like I should be a father?

I don't know.

Forget it.

Thank you.

Can I...

God bless you, friend.

I'm gonna go to bed.

Good night.

Good night.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Where you been?

You can't... you can't do that.

Don't do that.

Don't fucking walk on me, man.

So we're... we're gonna do this?

We're gonna raise this little boy?

And feed it?

And stop him from crying, and bleeding, and do homework?

And love him?

Why?

You know why.

What if we can't protect him?

I mean, what if he gets hurt? What if we hurt him?

You know? We can't do that...

Sorry...

It's alright.

You smell horrible...

You smell like bum piss.

Well, I did hug a homeless person...

A woman.

She was very sad.

She looked like, she needed a hug.

I gave...

You don't hug anyone, and you hug a hobo?

Yeah. First I gave her all my money.

Good for you.

But... she liked the hug better I think.

Where's Kelsey?

He's asleep.

- Well, shall I go talk to him? - Yeah, sure.

♪ Everybody in this place is dreaming

♪ It's been that way forever

♪ They're all gonna wake up soon

♪ They're all be hell for leather

♪ Up the smoky walls of yesterday

♪ And the dusty prince of last year

♪ And nicotine burning sycophants

♪ And the glowing mould of fear

♪ Blow me home

♪ Blow me home, blow me home

♪ Take me in hold me close

♪ Blow me home

♪ We're aware of perspective to not be rejected

♪ Blow me home

♪ Blow me home, blow me home tonight

You want some tea?

I don't like it.

Tea is for civilized people.

People drink tea in centers of learning.

I've never had it before.

Well...

You're gonna have to learn.

Why?

Here. Take it.

Careful.

Just... drink it.

Okay...

- Mm-mm. - I don't believe you. Yeah right.

- Mm-mm. - Come on.

- You like it a little bit. - Mm-mm.

Kelsey! Kelsey!

Let's go!

Let's go.

What are you driving?

What?

Geez. I'm gonna get my ass kicked if someone sees.

Just get in. And don't say "ass".

Come on, it's all we could find.

We gotta get you to the doctor's by four.

Doctor's?

That's right. You need some shots.

Yeah, so you don't bring home diseases.

- Just kidding! - We're going to Splash World!

We faked you out so hard!

Look at your face.

- That was awesome! - Yes!

You smell like throw-up.

My shoe smells like throw-up.

- Hello. - Hey, how's it going, Kelsey?

Good. We went to Splash Mountain.

- We had a very educational field trip today. - Yep.

- Oh, you did? - Yep.

And we learned that Splash Mountain makes Alan puke!

- Kelsey, thank you... - Yes we did, it's a beautiful thing.

Kelsey, you wanna go see how Jorge makes the waffles?

- Sure. - Hey, cool.

- Deal. Whaddya say? - Thank you.

- Hey, boys. - Hey, Jorge.

Hi, Jorge.

Just what in the fuck are you doing?

Mel, we're doing this.

Okay? So...

What you're doing is selfish.

This wont fix you, wont help anything.

It wont erase anything.

You'll just fuck up everyone involved.

Can I get a cup of coffee, please?

- Thanks. - If you do this...

You will hurt him so bad...

You'll make him just like you.

Alright, that's enough.

Kelsey. We're going.

Why?

Come on, guys.

- Slow pokes. - We're coming.

You got my shirt and everything?

Oh yeah. The shirt is cool.

Kelsey, get in the car.

What? Why?

- Hey wait, you can't take him! - What are you doing, man!

Watch me.

- Kelsey! - What are you doing?!

Hey! You've got no right!

Right? Kidnapping a little boy? Is that a right?

- No, we're not he... - Back off!

He has no one. He has no extended family,

no father. We're all he's got!

A mother dies,

and you thought you could just take him?

That no one would notice? That no one would care?

- No. All we've done is take care of Kelsey. - Save it.

- I'm taking him to the police. - Don't do that man.

- Hold on! - Please, don't take him!

They got me a sofa bed.

We went and tested them out. I got to pick which one.

And they didn't even care.

- And Alan says soon we're gonna move into the front house... - Kelsey.

so I can have my own room.

Look, that's all fine but it's not...

- It's not a mother... - She hated me!

I'm sure that isn't true.

Listen, you guys had a very difficult time

with the hurricane.

- When an act of God like that happens... - I'm not from there.

What?

She made me say that we were from New Orleans,

so people would treat us nicer.

Look, you may not understand this,

but this is the best thing for you, okay.

They wanted me.

They couldn't take care of you, Kelsey.

No one has ever wanted me before.

But they wanted me!

- It's not enough. - Yes, it is!

It could have been.

Get on it, Kels! Get on it, Kels!

- Alright, come on, Kelsey. - Get on it, Kels. Top corner!

- Top three, yes. - Top three.

See how my sword weeps for the poor Kings death.

- Yes. - Excellent.

Very adult coloring here.

- Where you going? - Just out. None of your business.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about!

What am I talking about?

It's not my fucking fault, it's you.

Fuck!

Blue.

That's so easy, it's right there.

You total idiot.

Sorry for your loss.

Condolences.

Head on the hood. Spread your legs.

Do not resist me. Do not resist me.

There he is.

Yes!

Welcome out. Freedom!

You guys have to stop stealing cars.

Kelsey!

- Come on. - Yeah.

...six, seven, eight...

Welcome to Wiggles, the Wiggles Waffles...

Can you make your hips go back?

And I'm a professional!

We just need some hotdogs.

What's up, buddy?

Yea.

Kelsey?

Kelsey?

The group home was okay?

At least the water's hot.

I'm sorry, Kelsey.

It's our job, my job actually,

to protect you,

kids like you from people like that.

It's no excuse, obviously, but...

Sometimes, you know...

Sometimes we just can't get there soon enough.

Hey,

I promise I'm gonna be around

a lot more from now on.

Okay?

We're gonna find you a family

that you can stay with for a while.

Become an adoptive family maybe.

We'll see.

But...

Nothing bad is gonna happen to you anymore.

Alright?

With the new people can I have my own room?

We'll see what we can do.

You wanna go meet them?

♪ There's a busy infidel

♪ She crept about the palace

♪ And we had poor defense

♪ And she had little malice

♪ A gentle touch put here

♪ A saddened hurt embrace

♪ I wouldn't kiss enough

♪ To put them in their place

♪ So where my father went

♪ Is not now common knowledge...

Alright.

Here we go.

- You got your toothbrush? - Yeah dad, I've got it.

You got the map of the school, so you don't get lost.

You guys need to chill out. Be cool.

- I will be fine. - It is cool.

And, I just want you to know,

we're gonna be around if you need...

It's only an hour drive. I promise to visit.

- Right. - Cool.

- He promises to come visit. - Good. Good.

Son, I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

Alright, you guys need to get out of here.

Alright. Don't forget your six string now.

Express yourself, bud.

I'm Kelsey Manilow-Dwellman.

I think I'm in room 322-B.

It's alright.

- Let's go. - I'm not ready yet.

Alright, you guys need to get out of here cuz...

Okay. See you in four years.

- I love you, son. - See you, bud.

Okay.

Wow, we did it!

♪ All the fruit turned red

♪ Some of them still green

♪ But never will you see one that's stuck and in between

♪ As all came from a garden where the wind has died down low

♪ And there my father went to help the green fruit grow

♪ He tends them with a smile

♪ His fingers stroke the leaves

♪ He'll never leave the garden

♪ It's all that I believe

Hey, Marty.

This is it...

What can I get ya?

A side of you.

I knew you'd be happy.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

Oh Marty, no. No...

But I can give you, you know...

A lots...

I am... sure. You're a great guy,

- and I think you're... - You touched me...

It's not gonna happen again,

and there is someone out there who will want to touch you

- but I don't. - You only know seventy percent of me...

- Try for his wallet, Kelsey. - Kelsey!

What are you doing?!

- I am so sorry... - Apologize to this man.

I can't believe this. I am so sorry.

No matter what we try he just keeps on stealing!

You are gonna be punished, mister!

Hundreds of kittens and puppies being put down every week.

Hundreds of kittens...?

- A week. - No, I'm sorry.

A small donation could mean salvation

to many of these defenseless kittens and puppies.

Hundreds of kittens... Lord...

So many people have been so mean to me out here today.

I noticed you donated to that guy

from the animal shelter.

And I... I don't know if my conscience

could rest saving dogs

when there are 20,000 people

sleeping in the Superdome tonight!

Fine!

Paper... I told you!

- Best five out of nine. - No, get in there.

That's the last time I'm doing it.

March issue. 1988.

Good for the articles.

Come on, little man, finish up.

You don't have to write it a poem.

I'm gonna go in the kitchen sink.

Kelsey, we sat you down today

because we want to talk to you about.

Something very important.

First off, what happens in Penthouse

does not happen in real life.

It never looks that good.

You don't want to get a girl pregnant

before you're...

Um... In love with her.

And ready to start a life with her.

Yes.

And each time you have sex, you are risking...

Marriage.

- You put this... - You put this on...

On that.

Why would you put that on a banana?

No, not on the banana...

You put this on your...

On your... body...

You can't ask me to marry you

because I'm your waitress,

and I have other customers to serve.

And I don't serve them... in that way.

You sure?

Okay sure, let's do it. Let's get married.

Really? That's...

No. Fuck off.

Come on, bud.

- You know it's only a metaphor, right? - Yeah.

I thought it was nice imagery.

♪ Flowers in my garden

♪ Birds in all the trees

♪ This is where I am rooted

♪ Still I've got to leave

♪ Yes I must be cut down

♪ Yes I've got to go far

♪ For bread and wine

♪ I'll extoll the meek

♪ And sainted wings

♪ In every keep

♪ Chopping changing Roman girl

♪ Plopping laughing cockney man

♪ I'm in the small things with the bloom

♪ And you can't give me any news

♪ Except the small things that you need

♪ Will be around you when you listen

♪ And it will be peculiar

♪ That we're on this long trodden earth

♪ And we might be familiar

♪ Were it not for them that gave us birth

♪ And were it not a separation

♪ Cut of binding congregation

♪ The eyes we're given give us sight

♪ Of one another in the light

♪ And in the doorway of a dark cafe

♪ And Just before I fall asleep

♪ And dream of you

♪ And wait to find you in another day