Original subtitles

Come on. Here we go, baby. Work with me.

Oh...

Okay. Okay.

Oh...

Come on.

Hey, what, did you lock your keys in your car?

No, I have a shirt in the back

I'm trying to get on the hanger without opening the door.

Sorry. Trying to help out.

Moron.

You like your Liberace, don't you, Dad?

Oh, yes. Lee was quite the showman.

Darling, did you know he was a little...

That's not to repeat.

TV HOST: If you're enjoying the sounds of Liberace

and want to see more quality programming such as this,

we need the support of generous viewers like you.

There they go begging for money again.

Pathetic.

Good morning. What is that?

What? The Three Tenors tote bag?

I've been in the market for a tote bag for years.

I just didn't have the guts to pull the trigger.

Look, honey.

It's perfect for me, don't you think?

Yeah, it'll be a nice step up

from the fishing net you use.

Yes, hello.

What is the minimum donation to get that tote bag?

Ouch.

Is there any wiggle room on that?

Hello! Hey, babe.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No frozen food for you.

Now go upstairs, put on some rouge,

and squeeze into a girdle,

because we are stepping out tonight.

Where are we stepping, back in time?

Better. We're going to Fiorino's,

this new Italian joint Deac and I had lunch at today.

It's unbelievable.

Oh, honey, I'm tired. Let's go another night.

No, no, no, no. You don't understand.

This restaurant is special.

I really think this could be our place.

How great would that be?

I could call you up from work and say,

"Hey, meet me at the place."

I wouldn't even have to say the name. You'd know.

And how much time would that save?

Come on, come on, come on. Let's go, let's go.

Come on, I'm already comfortable.

I'd have to put on a bra. It's a whole ordeal.

I'll help you.

Please, Doug. You can't even get my bra off.

Yes, but this is for something I want. Let's go!

So you think I made the right choice

ordering the special?

Well, it sounded good. You think?

Because I kind of had my eye on the rigatoni.

I don't know. Maybe I should have gotten that.

Although on the other hand,

you gotta jump on a good special,

because that goes away.

Well, the important thing is

you've given it a tremendous amount of thought.

Hey, look who's back!

Mr. Green Shorts. Oh, long pants now, eh?

Yeah, yeah, I got the long pants on.

And who is this beauty?

This is my wife, Carrie.

Ah, so nice to see you.

You're a lucky, lucky man.

So you like my bruschetta? Oh, it was great. Thanks.

It's on the house,

because you're such a good customer

and because she's so beautiful.

Hey, you call me when you leave this guy, huh?

Enjoy, enjoy.

He wants you to call him when you leave me.

How great is this place!

It's very nice.

"Very nice"? What, are you kidding me?

This is the best place ever. They even gave me a nickname.

I know. Mr. Greenjeans.

Green Shorts.

Look at this. Free bruschetta.

Hey, you gotta check out the bathroom too.

It's like peeing in old Italy.

I look forward to it.

All right, penne for the signora

and gnocchi for the signore.

Ah, smells great. Thanks.

Some fresh parmigiana? None for me, thank you.

Signor?

Oh, yeah. Keep grating till you hit bone.

Uh, excuse me.

Yes?

This has capers in it.

Yes, yes. They give it a nice flavor.

Yes, but I ordered it without capers.

They give it a nice flavor, honey.

I don't have anything about "no capers."

Well, I did say it.

All right. I'll change your order, if you want.

No, I don't want to change my order.

I just want my food

the way I ordered it in the first place.

Actually, I like extra capers, so this works out great.

I'll just take a few of these. They come right out.

Look at that. I got a big one.

Doug, could you get your fingers out of my food?

I'm just saying I don't think we need to send it back.

Look, I got another one. Doug, stop it.

Can I just have my food the way I ordered it, please?

Very good. Thank you.

Uh, excuse me.

Was that a sigh? Oh, God.

No, signora.

Well, it sounded like a sigh.

Am I annoying you in some way, huh?

Signora, you asked to change your order.

I'll change your order, that's all.

Okay, again with the "change." You know what?

Let me have it.

Let me just see your manager, please. Thank you.

Yes, signora.

What are you doing?

You didn't see the attitude on that guy?

Come on. I'm not gonna put up with that.

Carrie, it is very stressful

being in the service industry, okay.

I never told you this,

but, some days, I just sit in my truck and cry.

Doug, would you give me a break? The guy was out-and-out rude.

Not rude. Fiery. He's Italian. It's their way.

So a little problem?

Yes. I ordered my food...

Nothing major. Everything's great.

It's just that my wife got her food,

and she thought she ordered it without capers.

I did order it without capers.

Okay, she may have.

The main thing is, other than the capers,

everything else, fantastico.

Okay. So here's what's not fantastico, okay,

is when a waiter pretty much calls a customer

a liar.

I didn't get that.

I'm so sorry.

We'll take care of it right away.

I'm so very sorry.

We'll take care of everything.

Did you see that? See what?

They were talking about me right in front of me in Italian.

And then that guy, he rolled his eyes.

Can we just eat dinner, okay?

You're gonna get your dish back with no capers.

Maybe a little spit, but no capers.

Look, just have some of mine in the meantime.

No. No, forget it. I'm not even hungry now.

Make sure it doesn't have capers.

Okay, here we go.

You want to get into this now? Bring it on.

Oh, no, no. I don't wanna get into it.

I want you to be happy.

Don't want you to have to call the Lean Cuisine people

and ask for the manager.

Well, if I did have to,

I guess we'd know whose side you'd be on, don't we?

Hey, I just wanted a nice evening out.

You're the one who went insane.

Oh, yeah, I'm insane.

I ordered my food without capers

and then wanted it with no capers.

Yes. Fit me for a straitjacket. I'm a loon.

You know what I mean, all right?

You're always on the lookout for who's out to get you.

You know, you can never just let something go.

No, no, no. That would result in a delightful evening.

And we can't have that, can we? No.

And by the way, you didn't say no capers.

How would you know?

You were too busy figuring out

what you were gonna have for lunch

a week from Thursday.

I just don't get you, Carrie.

Oh, don't you?

You knew how much I loved that place,

and you just had to go and ruin it.

First of all, I am not the one who dragged me there,

and second of all, that place... Not so great.

Oh, don't. Don't.

No, it's true. It's true.

I didn't want to say it then,

but the bruschetta... A little soggy.

That's right, that's right, and the music... way too loud.

Okay, now you're just flailing,

because that music could not have been

at a more perfect level.

Aw, crap!

And by the way,

a normal person enjoys a nice caper now and again.

Okay. Well, here's a "by the way" for you.

Normal people put their soda cans in the recycling bin,

not on the clock-radio.

I swear, you do that just to annoy me.

Of course I do.

Obviously, everyone on this earth has one goal,

to annoy you.

It's true. Actually, you know, we have a club.

We meet once a week.

We try to come up with new ways.

You want to see our secret eye roll?

Okay. Okay, now you're just being a jerk.

No, it's true, Carrie. You're paranoid.

You're just like your father.

What?

That's right. You're two of a kind.

I swear, I think the Spooner family crest

is a shaking fist with the words,

"I wanna see the manager!"

You know what? I am not in the mood for this.

It's over.

We're never going back there anyway,

so case closed.

Oh, here we go, we're taking a stand.

We're banning the restaurant now.

Yes, we are.

Okay, fine. You know, I'll add it to the list.

The dry cleaner's, Kinko's,

Madison Square Garden, St. Christopher's Church,

and now...

Fiorino's.

No, you're not like Arthur, not too much.

Moron.

Arthurina!

Stop shutting lights!

Oh, and just one more thing.

I'm still gonna eat there when I want. No, you're not.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I am. Tomorrow.

And who knows.

After that, I may swing by the dry cleaner's.

Where is it?

That's very nice, Doug. You know what?

Go wherever you want to go,

but let me tell you something.

There has never been one time that I didn't support you.

That's right. Remember at that party

when you kept insisting that pitted cherries

means they have pits in them?

You went on and on,

and I backed you up

because I don't want you to look like an idiot

all by yourself.

Well, they should call them de-pitted. It's confusing.

The point is is that we're married, okay?

We're a couple. We're a team.

We're supposed to support each other no matter what.

They hurt my feelings tonight,

Doug, you know?

And if you go back there, you're just basically saying

that my feelings don't count.

Oh, forget it.

Don't do the "Oh, forget it" thing.

All right, look, I'm sorry, okay?

I won't go back there.

Thank you. Okay.

Goodbye, ravioli stuffed with meat.

I hardly knew ye.

Hey, how's it going?

Hey, tell me something, and be honest.

What?

How do I look from behind?

Awesome.

I'm asking a serious question, all right? How do I look?

What am I supposed to say?

I know I don't have a good butt in the traditional sense.

I'm just saying,

if I could see myself from behind full on,

would I be in for any surprises?

No. I mean, it's pretty much what you'd expect

when you look at the front.

Oh, good.

Can we eat now?

Let's do it.

All right. Fiorino's.

Uh... Well, I really don't want to.

What are you talking about?

You said that was gonna be our place.

Yeah. It's just that...

Carrie and I went there the other night,

and I gotta tell you,

they were kind of rude to her.

Really? But they're so friendly over there.

I mean, they call you Mr. Green Shorts.

They call me Mr. Green Shorts.

Carrie thought they were rude, all right?

Let's just pick another place.

What did they do that was rude?

Well, one guy sighed.

Uh-huh...

And the other guy might've rolled his eyes.

I'm not sure.

Anyway, it was very rough stuff.

Was this anything like when we went to the movies

and the popcorn girl sassed her?

Very similar, yes.

So now you can't eat at Fiorino's.

No. I choose not to eat at Fiorino's.

They hurt Carrie's feelings, okay?

We're a team. We stand by each other.

Uh-huh. That's right, that's right.

And if that means

I gotta wear a disguise to go to the fruit stand,

then that's the price I gladly pay.

Oh, she's a nutjob, isn't she?

Well, I'm not a doctor, but...

Oh, man. She really had me going too.

She threw out that whole speech

about how her feelings were hurt and...

Oh, man, she really was working it.

She cry?

No. No, it was worse.

She kind of had that pre-cry mist going, you know?

Yeah, the little quiver on the bottom.

Oh, man, she's good. She's damn good.

Yeah, well, listen, man.

I could talk about this all day,

but there's a hunk of lasagna with my name on it.

I'm sorry you can't come.

Wait.

Yeah?

What's the special today?

I think it's baked ziti.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.

Oh, no, man.

I got three days of catching up to do.

Hey, excuse me.

Yeah, whatever Monday's special was, bring it.

Dad, I'm home. I got back early today.

Dad?

Dad, you'd better not be in our bedroom again.

Look, when I ask for a tote bag,

I expect a tote bag.

No, I won't hold. You hold.

I'm on hold again. Unbelievable.

What you got going there, Dad?

Say hello to another unlucky bastard

chewed up and spit out by the PBS machine.

Hello.

Look at what those ganefs sent me

instead of that beautiful bag.

Dad, this is their entire Civil War series.

This is great.

Oh, please.

Father against son, brother against brother.

Cry me a river.

I'm just saying this is much more valuable

than that tote bag you wanted.

Oh, really? Can I tote my oranges in this?

Will my swim trunks fit in there?

No and no.

Look, they probably ran out of tote bags

and sent you this instead.

I didn't buy this. I bought a tote bag.

You didn't buy anything.

You made a donation to public broadcasting.

This is a gift.

It's not the gift I wanted.

All right, hang up. You're acting crazy now.

No, I'm not crazy.

I'm just not gonna let these people step all over me.

Fine. Have a good time.

Yes, I'm here.

Oh, you still claim there are no tote bags, huh?

Then let me speak to your manager.

Hey, hey. Mrs. Green Shorts.

You come back to give us another chance?

Actually, I just came by to apologize.

My behavior the other night was inexcusable.

No, no, no. It's fine. It's okay.

You wanted to change your order.

We changed your order. No problem.

I never wanted to change... Not important.

The main thing is,

I just wanted to come by

and say I'm sorry to you and...

And, oh, and to him.

Hi. Excuse me. Remember me? "No caper" lady.

I just wanted to say

that I'm very sorry for the other night.

I was really...

Okay, he's still angry.

That's understandable. That's understandable.

Also, um, I don't see the busboy

that I threw an olive at.

Would you tell him that I'm sorry too?

Forget about it. It's okay.

Everything is okay.

Oh, thank you so much. You know what?

I'd love to surprise my husband with a nice big dinner,

so load me up with the works, huh?

Really? Okay.

I tell you, I thought he would never eat again

after the lunch he had here today.

Oh, God.

Hello, Douglas.

Hi.

I guess you probably heard through the grapevine

that PBS and I are butting heads.

Yeah. It's all over town.

I got them good, though.

I just pledged $1 million on behalf of a Mr. Jim Shorts.

Get it? You get it?

Yeah, I get it.

Oh.

What's the matter with you?

I just... I got a bit of an upset stomach.

I ate lunch angry.

Anything I can do for you?

No, no, no. I'm fine. Thanks.

Hey, you know what helps when I'm nauseous?

A nice gentle tummy rub.

Would you like one?

No.

I have very soft hands.

No.

Come on, I'm your father-in-law.

It's the most natural thing in the world.

No.

Oh, the hell with you. I'm doing it.

Stop that!

You're gonna thank me later!

Stop it! I don't like it now!

Fine.

You gotta sleep sometime.

Hey, honey. Hey.

How are you doing?

Good, good, good. Very good. Yeah, good.

Listen, I've been wanting to talk to you all day.

Well, you found me.

What's up?

Look, I just want to say that I am so, so sorry

for that whole stupid thing the other night at Fiorino's.

You are?

Yes. I mean, it just hit me today.

I completely overreacted.

You know, "I said, no capers!"

Hey, don't you roll your eyes at me!

You know, was I out of control or what?

Maybe a little, yeah.

And then I actually banned you from going back there.

Could you believe I did that?

Your feelings are your feelings.

Nobody has the right to judge you.

Oh, honey, you are so sweet.

You know, even though the ban was ridiculous,

the most important thing to me

is that you respected it, you know?

You supported me. Thank you.

Hey. Look, who's keeping track of who respected what

or who supported who?

It's a whatever thing.

Bottom line: you, me, love, end of story.

I know you had lunch there today.

Let me finish.

I can't believe you did that.

You're such a jerk.

You just said the ban was stupid.

It was stupid,

but it was still in effect when you had lunch there today.

Yes, but I knew you were a good person

who would eventually come to her senses

and lift the ban.

I went there today as a show of faith.

Okay, how's this for coming to my senses?

The ban is back on. How do you like that?

You already lifted the ban. You can't put it back.

Oh, it's back. You're banned.

No, I'm not.

Oh, no? You wanna keep talking?

Because now you're banned from Bagel King.

No way! They've done nothing to you.

Yeah, well, they don't serve light cream cheese.

That annoys me.

Okay. Fine, fine.

You want to ban me, then I'm gonna ban you.

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Say goodbye to your nail place, baby.

And you know why?

Because I don't like the bell on the door.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you just had your last egg roll

from Chef Ming's, my friend.

Oh, have I? Yeah, well,

you had your last tasty treat from Humphrey Yogart's. Yeah.

Batting cages.

Loehmann's. You wanna keep it coming?

Come on. What, you think you can hurt me?

You're banned from there too.

Okay. Should have thought this through.

Don't fight me. It's going to happen.