Original subtitles

DOUG: ♪ Love exciting and new

♪ Come aboard me

♪ I'm expecting you

♪ The Doug Boat

All right, all right! Enough!

What? That's my Valentine's Day thing.

Yes. It's adorable.

Now, could you step aside here

and let a little bit of hot water hit me, please?

Here. Hold on. How's this? How does that feel?

Like I'm being spit on. Now, come on. Stop.

You have to move aside here.

Why don't you slide up in here?

I can't, sweetie. There is no room.

You have to move.

There you go. Whoa!

Okay.

Okay, how's that? Yeah. Better.

All right.

Good. Because I'm not done serenading you yet.

Now, I'm gonna kick things up a notch,

if you'll indulge me

with a little ditty I think you might remember.

♪ Engh-engh

♪ Engh engh engh-engh

♪ Engh engh engh-engh

♪ Everybody dance now

♪ Buhm...

Honey, I hate that song. Really, I do.

You hate it? What are you talking about? It's our song.

Our song?

What do you mean, it's our song?

That was the song that was playing

the first time I met you.

It was? Yeah. You don't remember?

♪ Everybody dance now...

People, let's keep it to the right.

Keep it to the right.

What's up, guy? Welcome to Wall Street.

Can I see some ID?

♪ Give me the music

♪ Everybody dance now

So this is your ID?

Yes, my ID.

Okay, you know what?

First of all, lose the attitude, friend, okay?

I'm just doing my job. Fine, but that's my ID.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah. You got Doug. What's up?

Yeah, it's cool. Front door's secure.

Okay. Out.

All right, so Connecticut ID, huh?

What are you doing down here?

I go to school here.

Oh, I see. Okay, so, you're from Connecticut

and you go to school down here?

Yeah.

You know what? Not buying it, okay.

Hey, people, the line!

What's up, ladies? Welcome to Wall Street.

Can I see some ID?

Actually, mine was stolen, but I swear I'm 22.

Enjoy the club.

Okay. People, the line!

Okay, guy in the mesh shirt,

bye-bye.

Yeah, take it easy. Don't even waste my time.

Moose, Moose, could you get out of here?

What are you talking about? I just started working.

Yeah, I know, I know. But I just met this girl at the bar,

and I think I can get her back to our place.

Only thing, she won't go without her friend.

Guy, I just started my shift, guy.

This area must remain clear!

Come on, Moose,

you got to do this for me.

Hey, no. Please?

No. I'm not getting stuck with "the friend" again, okay.

The friend is never as good as the actual girl.

That's not true this time. This one is really cute.

That's exactly what you said last time. You remember her?

Who? Who? This one.

DEEP VOICE: "Oh, Doug..."

I don't know. This just feels right."

Didn't stop you from sleeping with her.

Well...

All right, give me a couple of minutes, all right?

Yes! I'll go get the ladies.

Hey, Gerard. Yeah, I need you to come to the front door.

My uncle just got killed.

Thank you.

Yeah. He's in a better place now.

Okay.

What's up, ladies. Doug.

This is Carrie. How you doing?

Good.

And this is Lynn.

Hey, I love your headset.

Oh, yeah. This? Yeah, yeah.

It keeps me in touch with my staff.

I don't rest unless I know they're all okay.

Huh? That's cool.

No. That's survival.

Hey, it's called "excuse me"!

Why don't you try it next time?

Yeah. This woman's a tiger.

All right, I don't know if I'm loving the arm thing.

Oh, sorry.

All right, so you ladies, you got the address.

We'll see you back at our house?

Okay, bye.

So, what do you think?

Mine's great.

Yours seems kind of bitchy.

Come on. Come on. Hurry up. Hurry up.

We got to hurry up and de-crap this place

before they get here.

We got... We got, like, two minutes.

There's no way we're gonna get it all.

Oh, my God, you're right.

All right, look, don't panic.

We just got to concentrate on the big stuff, all right?

What's the most disgusting thing about this place?

I got to go with the smell.

All right, find it. I'll be in the kitchen.

Good, good, good.

Hey, Moose,

what happens if we both get lucky tonight?

Who's gonna get the bedroom?

That's a classy problem, my friend.

Whoa! I think I found the smell.

Oh, good, man. Way to go.

That is bad. But that's not it.

It's more in the meat family.

I'll keep looking. All right.

Hey, I got a good idea.

Why don't we got a book for the coffee table?

This way, it looks like we read.

Oh, good, good. Good idea. Good idea.

You got one?

Yeah. You know what? I got it in my old, uh...

SAT study book, okay?

I'll break it open and I'll highlight some crap.

Oh, you know what, I forgot.

I got to go get something. I'll be right back.

Whose dog is that?

It's that guy down the hall.

What the hell you doing with it?

When I was hitting on Carrie,

I told her I rescued a stray from the pound.

A pound rescue? That's good. Can I get in on that with you?

You know, like, we both saw him, we fell in love?

Actually, I already told her you fought me on it.

Oh, great. I hate abandoned dogs.

Thanks, thanks. Way to start me off.

Oh, God, they're here. All right...

Yeah. Come on up!

What the hell are you doing?

What are you talking about?

That's my spot. Get out of it.

I ain't moving. Get out of here.

Get out.

Sorry, man, but I need my spot.

I look good here.

Fine.

How do I look?

Suck in your gut.

It is in.

Then you look good. How do I look?

You look like a stud, man. You're the man.

You're the man!

Okay, look, we're both the men.

There can be two men, okay?

So cool out.

You gave them the apartment number, right?

Okay, let's try one from the analogy section.

"Pride is to lion as what is to goose"?

Flock!

No. No, I'm sorry.

The correct answer is gaggle.

That answer again... Gaggle.

Start drinking, honey.

A quick question: is this the whole evening here?

Because I got to admit, I didn't study.

It's a drinking game. It's fun.

It's the SAT's.

Don't you have

any real games?

I gave all our real games

to the kids I tutor at the orphanage.

Oh, you tutor orphans. That is so sweet.

Yeah, I guess. You know...

It just doesn't feel like enough, though, you know?

I mean, these kids have been given nothing,

and society...

Is... Bad.

God, you are such a sensitive guy.

It's hard to believe that you bounce.

Do you, you know, get into a lot of fights at the club?

Well, you know,

I try everything I can not to fight.

It's like I tell my boys, "Always be nice.

"Be very nice...

"Until it's time to not be nice.

Then, be very not nice."

I love that.

Yeah. I can't take full credit, though.

Patrick Swayze said it in Road House.

Oh, I never saw that movie.

You never saw it?

It's only the greatest movie ever made,

except for Risky Business.

Really?

So...

Carrie...

Yeah?

You like baseball?

Well, I've been to a few Met games.

Yeah? The Mets, the amazing Mets.

You know why they call them that?

Because they're amazing.

Well, that clears up that mystery.

You know what else would be amazing?

Hmm?

Your beautiful body in my bed.

Yeah. You're right. That would be amazing.

What's up with your dog?

Oh, that?

Ah, he's okay. He's fine.

Hey, buddy! Come here, buddy!

Come on! Come to Daddy! Come on!

Oh, I forgot. He's deaf.

Okay, how about some beers?

Yeah. Let's keep this party rolling, huh?

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Yeah.

All right, ladies, get ready,

because we're coming up on the vocabulary section.

Hurry.

Oh, Carrie, Richie is so cute.

You did good.

I did good? The guy's a moron.

Then why did you want to come back here?

I don't know. I liked his cologne.

Plus, he seemed a lot smarter

when he was completely drowned out by music.

I'm telling you, he should walk around

with a boom box strapped to his head.

I'm serious.

You like your guy?

Oh, Dan?

Yeah, he's, you know, kind of sweet.

I don't think his name is Dan.

I am so in.

You are. You are doing good, Moose.

But I don't know about Carrie, though.

Yeah. She's quite a cupcake, that one, huh?

I don't get it. We were totally hitting it off at the club.

I look good, right? You say I look good.

You look great, man. She's so into you.

It's a go for Richie.

I don't know.

Maybe you've just got to kick things up a notch.

It's time to bust out the heavy artillery.

Huh?

This is pretty cool, huh?

Yeah. It's kind of trippy.

Hey, check out my choppers.

Oh, that is so cool.

And I love this album.

Oh, these guys are great.

Me and Richie went to their concert last year.

We got totally wasted.

Richie got a shirt.

Cool.

So, Carrie?

Yeah?

You feeling what I'm feeling?

I don't know. Are you feeling nauseous?

A little bit.

What kind of beer is this?

It tastes kind of weird.

Oh, it's Canadian. It's stout lager. Ale.

Mm. There's definitely something wrong with it.

Actually, mine tastes a little weird too.

Mm... Not weird. It tastes like gin.

You put gin in our beers?

I was out of vodka.

It's not funny, you idiot.

RICHIE: Hey, I was just trying to loosen things up

a little bit!

You've been bitching and moaning

since you got here.

You're like my mother.

Oh, I'm sorry. You don't like me, Fonzie?

Well, that's okay.

All right, Lynn, come on.

Get your mini-backpack. We're going.

Carrie, come on!

What the hell are you doing? Why are you spiking the beers?

I was trying to get them in bed.

Okay, that explains theirs. What about mine?

Ladies, ladies, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hang on, man. There's no reason to go.

Yeah, Carrie, I agree with Dan.

I mean, you are making a huge deal out of nothing.

Who?

Oh, am I?

When should I make a big deal about it, huh?

When we're stuffed in oil drums

and buried under their building?

Did she call me Dan?

Hey, you know what? Just go.

And I'll tell you something else.

It's your loss,

because I was gonna show you my fireman's uniform.

Oh, really? Because I was gonna sleep with you

just so I can hear your little amazing Mets story again.

What was it? Oh, yeah. "They're amazing."

That's great. Let's go.

Let's go.

I'd love to see your fireman's uniform, Richie.

Wha... Lynn!

Well, I'm sorry. I would.

All right, come on.

His uniform's nothing!

I got a little league uniform that blows it away!

Lynn, come on! You're my ride home!

WHISPERING: He's so cute!

Lynn!

Lynn?

Lynn?

Lynn?

What are they doing?

What do you think they're doing?

I don't know.

Maybe he really is just showing her his uniform.

I heard moaning.

Maybe she's injured.

Yeah. That's it. That's it.

I don't believe this. She was my date.

Yeah? Well, I got news for you. Your date's not going so well.

All I know is if you would have gone in there

and checked out his stupid uniform,

I'd be with Lynn right now and everything would be fine.

Hey, hey, don't blame this on me.

If you can't get Lynn to sleep with you,

that's your fault,

because I'll tell you, she sleeps with everybody.

That's great. Yeah, good. Keep it coming.

What the hell is that smell?

We don't know!

Will you take a break from your bad personality?

Excuse me, Billy Ray Dufus,

but I happen to have a very nice personality

when I am not sitting in a stinky apartment

being drugged

with a disgusting gin/beer cocktail!

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Well, if you're gonna puke, don't puke here, okay?

You got to puke in the bathroom.

All right, could you stop saying the word "puke"?

Because it makes me want to puke.

Okay. I didn't know it was gonna make you sick.

I won't say it anymore.

You want to see my collection of puka shells?

Okay, I work in a bar.

I've seen hundreds of people puke.

They've all managed to miss me.

Congratulations.

But on the plus side,

this place has a new smell now.

Hey, listen, um...

Thanks for holding my hair back

when I was throwing up.

Ah, forget about it.

I was basically just steering you away

from my Sports Illustrated.

Look at that. A little smile there, huh?

See? You look nice when you smile.

You should try to work that into the rotation

a little more often.

Ha ha.

So, uh, bouncing, that's your thing?

You like that?

Yeah, you know. It's... It's good for now.

I like working with my hands.

It's really just a stepping stone, though.

To what?

I want to open my own sandwich shop.

Uh-huh.

You know, a little neighborhood place

where people can come by if they want... A sandwich.

A sandwich shop. That's...

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, you know, like, a cool little place, you know?

With great sandwiches,

and each sandwich would be named after one of my buddies.

Oh, sounds great.

But what if you have a falling out

with one of your buddies

and he represents a classic sandwich?

I didn't work out all the details yet.

So how about you? What do you do?

Well, I'm currently interviewing

for a very high-powered executive assistant position

in Manhattan,

but, uh, right now I'm working at Food Town.

Ahem.

Oh, the one on Hillside Avenue?

No. The one on Northern Boulevard.

Oh...

Because I... I go to the other one.

But I'm sure they're all... Good.

Yeah, I mean, it's a chain. Pretty standard. Yeah.

Wait a second. Where... Where's the dog?

I don't know.

Why is the door open? You left the door open!

I did not!

You did so! Before, when you were about to leave!

No. I'm sure I closed it!

No, you didn't! Do you see area?

It should be covered by this!

Well, I am sorry!

I was a little disoriented with your little light show.

Okay?

Richie! Guy!

Uh, not a great time, Moose!

Yeah, Carrie left the door open and the dog got away!

So?

So I think someone should look for him.

And if you remember, I was against getting him.

So I think it should be you.

Moose, I'm begging you.

Stop talking!

DOUG: All right, fine,

but I'm not going and looking for the dog,

so you can forget it.

LYNN: Dan?

Yeah?

Could you get me a Fresca?

Nah!

Wait a minute. Wait.

Aren't one of you guys gonna go look for your dog?

It's not even our dog, all right?

Richie borrowed him from a neighbor

to impress you with his sensitivity

so you'd sleep with him.

RICHIE: He doesn't tutor orphans!

Shut up!

Where the hell is that dog?

Do you think that maybe we can put the top up?

Excuse me. It's a sports car, okay?

You want to get the whole experience.

Otherwise, you might as well just drive a station wagon.

I'm freezing. Could you please put the top up?

It's broken.

Then could you at least put the heat on?

It's broken.

This is great.

Supposed to sit in this piece of crap

while the wind rakes through my hair?

It's perfect.

What are you worried about?

You got enough hairspray in there

to stop a bullet.

Excuse me.

This happens to be a style from a magazine.

Oh, yeah?

What magazine is that?

The Too Much Hairspray Gazette?

Okay, you know what?

Let's just look for the dog, okay?

I would love to look for the dog.

Well, good. Why don't you start calling his name, then?

Because I don't know his name.

Well, say something.

Fine!

Lassie!

Spot!

Toto!

Wait, wait, wait. I think that's him.

Where?

Right in front of that house.

Oh, wow,

he's really giving himself a once-over, huh?

This is nice, real nice.

Yeah, well, I'm glad you're happy.

Could you please not sit on my softball stuff?

You know, I was gonna stay home tonight.

I really was.

Oh, yeah?

Well, thanks for slapping on a couple coats of paint

and coming out.

You know what? Stop the car.

I'm just kidding around, all right?

I said, stop the car!

Aah! Pinch the guy driving. That's smart.

I'm getting out.

Where you going?

I'm going home.

There's a bus stop right over there.

You can't go to that bus stop, all right?

This is not a great neighborhood.

I will take my chances!

I'm serious, okay? I will leave you.

Good. Go.

I... You know... I'm serious! I'm not coming back!

So. Good. Don't.

Fine!

What are you doing?

Oh, she's so annoying.

She has high hair.

She totally didn't get the sandwich shop thing.

Just pull away, man. Just pull away.

Oh, God.

Let me understand this.

You're from Utah, and you're visiting New York?

Yeah.

Sorry. I'm not buying it, "Donald Osmond."

People, the line!