Original subtitles

Arthur, what are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing, Einstein?

It looks like you're unloading dirty dishes, Einstein.

They're clean, Einstein.

No. They're dirty. I just loaded them,

and I went to the store to get a box of detergent, Einstein.

Well, why didn't you leave a note saying that, Einstein?

Stop calling me Einstein!

Stop calling me Einstein!

No big deal. Okay?

We'll just reload the dishwasher and wash them.

Okay. Now, which... which of these did you already put away?

Let's see. I definitely remember putting away a blue bowl

with big white and yellow sunflowers on it.

Okay. We don't own anything close to that.

We might have a problem.

All right. Then we have no other choice.

We're just gonna have to wash everything we own.

This never happened.

Right-o.

CARRIE: Really?

Oh, God, it must be so annoying when they do that.

Hey.

All right. So we're off for tonight, I guess.

Deacon and Kelly canceling?

Yeah. They can't get a sitter.

All right. No biggie. You know what?

We'll just do our own thing tonight.

Hey, you wanna go to the batting cages?

Batting cages? Batting cages? Uh-huh.

We'll do the batting cages.

Oh, that sounds like a fun idea.

What sounds like a fun idea, batting cages?

All right. So we'll just come by at 7:00.

Why are we coming by at 7:00, Carrie?

Carrie. Carrie. Carrie. Carrie. Carrie-Carrie-Carrie.

Carrie. Carrie. Carrie-Car-carrie.

Carrie, why... Carrie... Could you hang on a second?

Would you shut up?

Just let me know what's happening.

They invited us over for game night.

There's no game on tonight.

Board games, okay? All right. So, we'll see you at 7:00.

Should we pick up some deli? Board games? Board games?

No. No. Batting cages!

Okay. All right. All right. We'll see you then.

Okay. Bye-bye. My God, are you annoying.

Well, why did you agree to that?

What, she thought it'd be fun to have game night.

What was I gonna say?

You say, "No, Kelly, you're wrong. It won't be fun."

All right. Could you stop making a production out of this?

Now, look, Richie and Donna are coming, too.

We'll sit. We'll drink. We'll play board games. Big deal.

Game night.

More like gay night.

Okay. And on that incredibly clever note,

could you go take a shower?

Well, Douglas, sounds like

you got yourself roped into one deadly evening.

Game night. Brutal.

You see?

Just go get ready.

Unfortunate timing, too.

I just fell into two tickets

to the Knicks/Lakers game tonight.

Really? How did you get those?

They were a gift from my friend Willy

over at Swifty's Dry Cleaners.

Apparently, his regular client,

a certain Mr. Latrell Sprewell,

had a nasty cranberry juice stain on his felt hat

which Willy was able to remove.

Willy happens to owe me a favor.

Long story short... Section 4, row A.

I'm sorry you couldn't make it.

Carrie, Knicks/Lakers.

All right. Fine. Go.

Thank you. I love you. I'm in, baby.

This is awkward. Truth be told, I don't know anyone named Willy.

I only made up the story to taunt you,

and it obviously backfired on me.

My apologies.

That was a rough one.

Ice cream. Cone?

Ice cream.

Chocolate, vanilla, scoop, dessert.

Da da da a da.

Ice cream.

Flavors, um, sundae, Tom Carvel, cookie-puss.

Come on! I need more here!

Ice cream.

I mean another word, Doug.

Time's up!

What the hell was it?

It was 'truck.' Ice cream truck.

You know, Good Humor with the bell?

It was a good clue.

Doug, you drive a truck for a living.

How about, "What I drive for a living?"

That would've been another way to go with it, yes.

All right. What's the score? What's the score?

Okay. It's 18 for you guys and 19 for us.

Uh, 25 wins, so next round's for the money.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are we?

Let's just say you're well in third.

Yeah. Well, that's okay. This is where we make our move.

That's right, sweetie.

All right. You ready there, Rich?

Flip it.

Clock's ticking.

How about a clue, Rich?

Say something.

Time!

It was turtle.

So why didn't you give me a clue?

I thought of a good one, but it had the word turtle in it.

All right. Good strategy.

Well, folks, this could be it. For the win.

Bring it. You ready?

Yeah. Go.

Famous ruin in Italy.

Tower of Pisa. No. Nassau...

The Coliseum! Yeah.

Peppermint... Peppermint, peppermint twist!

Peppermint schnapps! Yes.

The Colorado... River!

No. Colorado... Time!

Was it Rockies?

Yeah, but, man, I thought we had more time than that.

Yeah. It goes fast, doesn't it?

Okay. Honey, come on. Our turn! Our turn!

Hey, it turned out to be a fun night after all, huh?

Yes. Fun night. Yep. Yeah.

Especially because it looked like we were gonna lose,

and then, boom! Turned itself right around, out of nowhere.

Yeah. By the way, I promised Kelly a rematch

at our house on Friday. Is that cool?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

You know what I really love about being married to you?

Not having to pay for sex?

Yeah. Yeah, that's good, too.

No, uh, what I meant was

that we're always there for each other.

You know, talk...

to admit stuff.

Why? You, uh, you have something you want to admit?

Me? Uh, yeah. Yes. Yes. As a matter of fact,

yes, I do.

Well, what is it?

Uh, well, tonight, at Deacon and Kelly's...

Yeah? I...

I stole a bar of soap.

You stole soap? Why?

Well, it wasn't just a regular bar of soap.

It was one of those nice decorative ones,

looked like a seashell. Had to have it.

So, where is it? Um, it's, uh, it's gone.

I washed my hands with it and now it's gone.

So you didn't actually steal it.

You just used it.

Well, either way, I was very, very wrong.

I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Phew. Feels good to get that off my chest though.

Man, what a relief.

Once again, I'm good with the man upstairs!

Ahem. How about you? Got anything?

No.

So, when we're driving home, I gave her every possible

chance to come clean, and nothing! You know?

Like it never happened.

She just sat there like ice.

I don't know.

You think I'm making too much of this?

What do you think? Oh, I don't know.

Maybe I'd have more of an opinion

if I'd been invited to this little game night.

Don't look at me, all right?

Kelly put the whole thing together.

I had nothing to do with it.

And believe me, you're lucky you missed it.

Oh, yeah. I feel lucky. I got to stay home, eat cheatsheetos,

and watch the E!-true Hollywood Story of Leif Garrett.

Will you listen to me? It was a couples thing. Okay?

You and a furby don't count.

Now, will you just give me your opinion?

Fine. I... I think you're overreacting.

So she cheated at a board game. That's not so terrible.

See? You just don't get it, do you?

I've been with her for six years.

I thought I knew her. I thought I knew everything about her.

Now I feel like I hardly know her at all.

I mean, if we went on The Newlywed Game,

we'd... we'd come in last.

Actually first, because she'd probably cheat.

This is just so weird.

I don't know what the hell's going on here.

Wait a minute. I know what the problem is.

What?

I made a comment to Kelly last week,

and I think she took it racially.

That's why she didn't invite me!

It was delicious fried chicken.

I shouldn't say anything?

Hey! Hey.

You're late. Yeah.

I just, uh, stopped off and had a beer with Spence.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

We were just talking, just chit-chatting.

Do you know he's got a third nipple?

Wow. That's a weird one.

Yeah. Threw me, too.

Listen, I'm, uh, kind of beat.

So I'm just gonna grab a beer

and hang out in the living room till dinner.

You all right with that?

Sure. You can also pee if you want.

You don't have to ask.

Ha. I might take you up on that.

Man, my pockets are just stuffed.

So I'm gonna leave everything here for now.

If that's all right, you know?

What have we got in here? Gosh, I got some keys...

Well, what else? Ooh, Jolly Rancher gum. Look at that.

You ever choose this stuff? I know why he's jolly.

And all this bundle of cash.

Gosh, I don't even know how much is there, you know?

Who's got time to count nowadays?

Uh-huh.

Anyhoo, all right, uh, so I'm gonna go

crash on the couch now.

You do what you gotta do, and you and I we'll...

We'll regroup later, okay?

You got it, Butch.

Okay.

Hey!

What's up?

Forgot my beer. Nothing like a little alcohol

to pull you under, huh?

I got a beer.

Oh, my God!

What are you doing?

I think the question is, what are you doing?

I'm trying to cook dinner.

Oh, really? What are we having, cash-foo-yung?

I was just moving your crap. What the hell is going on?

Why are you watching me? Because...

I saw you cheat at game night.

What? What are you talking about?

That's crazy.

Carrie, I saw you do it. I saw you flip over the timer

When Deacon and Kelly were about to win.

What? Would you... Would you stop it.

It fell, and I put it back,

Maybe the wrong way.

Yeah. Fell. Okay. Then how do you explain

you picking up the card, looking at it, and putting it back, huh?

I... I did not. Excuse me, you gave me a good clue,

so I got the answer.

Oh, please. Okay? The word was "snorkel,"

and my clue was "that curvy thing."

You see, I got the image.

We had a good thing going there.

Carrie!

All right. Fine. So, I turned over the timer

and looked at the stupid card. Big deal.

You don't think it's a big deal?

You know what? Let me tell you something,

I think it is a big deal because I've been walking around

here for the last two days,

worried that my wife is some sneaky, shifty little sicko.

Oh, so that's why you decided to lay your trap for me

with your enticing $12 in singles, huh?

Where... where are the video cameras, huh?

Ooh, are you wired?

All right. All right. Now, stop it. Okay?

Listen to me!

All right. That was stupid.

I admit it, but...

I was worried about you.

You were worried about me?

Maybe you should worry about yourself, buddy boy.

What do you mean?

Excuse me? When we go to the Sizzler,

you don't steal from the salad bar?

Uh, any shrimp that falls on the ice is up for grabs.

And besides, the Sizzlers are not our friends.

Look, Doug, did anybody get hurt?

No. We all had a good time,

and we'll all have a good time again this Friday,

So just drop it. Okay?

Having another game night on Friday?

Yeah. Damn.

What?

Well, I was feeling badly

about my cruel practical joke the other night

regarding the Knicks.

So as a gesture of good will I went down to the Garden,

and I purchased tickets for Friday night's game.

Really? That was very nice of you, Arthur.

Mind you, they're not great seats,

but they're the best I could do on such short notice.

Unfortunately, I didn't know

you had another game night scheduled.

You know what? I don't feel very much like going

to game night on Friday,

so count me in, my little friend.

Once again, this is awkward.

Game night. Let's get things rollirolling'.

How about some Oppo-Zoppo?

"The game where opposites attract."

What else you got?

Well, we got Naught-t, where the letter "t" is taboo,

or Baby Talk, which is actually

too annoying to even consider.

Uh, Oppo-Zoppo sounds fun.

All right. Well, let's just Oppo some Zoppo.

You know what? Who says we have to play board games at all?

Hey, you guys wanna light bags of dog crap

and leave them on people's porches?

What are you talking about? We had fun last time.

Yeah. Besides, you can't just win and walk away.

We got... we got business to take care of.

Guys! Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys.

I, um, I have... I have a confession to make.

Um, last week, when we were playing, I...

I think I may have cheated.

Actually, I did cheat. I did.

You cheated? How did you cheat?

Well, I flipped over the timer. I looked at a card.

I told you one of your right answers was wrong.

I just got caught up. It was really stupid.

I'm very sorry.

It's okay.

Carrie, don't even worry about.

It's a game. It's not a big deal.

Yeah. It's no big deal. You know?

So you guys are not mad?

No. No.

Come on. How could we be mad? You're Carrie.

It's really fine, hon. Really fine.

Let's Oppo-Zoppo! DEACON: Let's do this!

Box. Box...

Spring. Oppo-Zoppo.

Fall. Yeah!

Yay! Whoo!

Guess you found your game, Rich.

Yeah. I was beginning to think you didn't have one.

Well, any game that gets Donna jumping up and down

is the game for me. Oh, stop.

Hey, hey, you guys are two points away from winning.

Get out of here. Let me see that.

KELLY: You've got 48. They got 40.

KELLY: We only have 36. DEACON: We better get on it.

KELLY: Yeah, baby.

We had a great time. Not a problem.

Great. Goodbye.

You guys are 2 & 0, but next time you're going down.

You know where we live. It's just a game.

Who cares who wins, right? Bye-bye.

What the hell is wrong with you?

I don't know! You're unbelievable!

Peeking at cards, moving our thing extra spaces,

You know, once I started to look for it, it was quite a show.

And what was that whole confession thing about, huh?

Was that just to throw them off track?

No. I meant that! You know, when I said it.

And then you still cheated.

Well, I wouldn't have had to if you had

given me one decent clue.

Oh, now I understand. So, it's my poor Oppo-Zoppo skills

that have forced you to become a pathological liar. Got it!

I am not a liar. I'm a cheater.

My bad.

What do you want from me, huh?

I agree with you. I know this is wrong.

It's just that when we're in the heat of the game,

something comes over me.

I can't stand the thought of losing,

so I just... I snap.

You know, it's just stupid.

At least now I understand why you always beat me at Scrabble.

Huh? Oh, actually, that's all you.

You were right. I am just a sneaky little shifty...

what did you call me... A dingo?

No. A sicko. Sicko. You're not.

You're not. All right.

Look, you're not a dishonest person, Carrie.

You just have this one very weird problem.

Well, let's just hope it's just one thing.

Just in case, watch your back.

I will.

All right. I have a headache.

I'm gonna go upstairs to bed.

Okay. I'll be up in a little bit.

Okay.

Hey, you think I should call everybody

and confess again?

No. No, please. Let's not go back to that well.

What's going on? It's Carrie.

The weirdest thing. Every time we get together with our friends

to play board games, she... she cheats.

She cheats? My little girl?

That's impossible. Arthur, I've seen her do it.

No. No. She may put some cotton in her bra

from time to time, but she does not cheat at board games.

She admitted it.

Really? Yeah.

Huh. That's so unlike her.

When she was a little girl,

we used to play games all the time.

And she was never like this?

Oh, no. No. Goodness no.

She was always so sweet, so considerate.

Oh, the fun we used to have.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

You sure you wanna go there, darling?

I think so, Daddy. All right, then.

You lose. Sorry!

Loser! Winner!

Too bad, chump. Maybe next time!

I'm number one! I'm number one!

I'm number one! I'm number one!

Yeah!

Oh, the fun we had.

Good memories.

Well, sorry I couldn't shed more light on this, Douglas.

Honey, I think I know what's going on! Honey!

Ahem.

You sure you want to move there, darling?

I think so.

I'm sorry, dear. You seem to have lost,

but that's perfectly all right.

Yes, it is. Because I'm still a good and valuable person.

Indeed you are. That being said...

Winner! Loser!

Okay, let's try it again.