Original subtitles

♪ My eyes are gettin' weary

♪ My back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic

♪ On the Queensborough bridge Tonight ♪

♪ But I don't care 'Cause all I wanna do ♪

♪ Is cash my check And drive right home to you ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you ♪

CARRIE: Beautiful.

Just beautiful, Doug.

I hope you're happy with yourself.

Yeah, I'm living my dream.

Will you just get me out of here? I'm stuck!

And it hurts!

So I'm a tight-ass, huh, Ray?

I didn't say that.

Okay, I said that, but...

Why'd you tell her, huh?

You broke the code!

I was drowning! I was just trying to reach for something.

Don't blame it on him. You're the one who said it.

What the hell were you thinking, trying to get up there?

It was Ray's idea!

Stop it with "Ray"!

I cannot believe you get your friend stuck up in the attic,

you insult me behind my back--

No, I didn't mean it as an insult.

"Tight-ass" is not an insult? How does that work, Ray?

"Hey, swing by the house, meet tight-ass and the kids."

Look, it wasn't like that.

It's just-- We got back from golf, and we were talking.

Yeah, yeah! Mr. Wedge! Oh, yeah!

Stop it, please. Stop kissing.

You're making me nauseous.

All right, how much I owe you?

Uh, 18 bananas.

How'd you get 18?

Bet a dollar a hole. You lost every hole.

Huh.

Hey, how about double or nothing,

Jets-Denver game Sunday?

You give me the Jets and 6 points?

All right, you're on. You're on!

All right, we're both on, then. All right.

You know what? Why don't you come over here,

watch the game on the big screen?

All right, yeah, but you got to promise me,

no humping the TV if you win.

Mmm.

I can't give you that. I hump, win or lose.

Oh, wait a minute. I forgot.

The game's not Sunday.

It's a Saturday night game this week.

Oh, man, you're right.

Yeah.

Damn! I... I can't do it now.

Saturday night's date night with the wife.

Yeah. We used to have date night.

Then we had kids.

Now date night is when she changes in front of me.

Yeah. I tell you, Carrie's a maniac.

I can't mess with it. She'd be like,

"What, you wanna watch the freaking Jets on our date night?

Ehhhh! I don't think so!"

Hey, Debra can be a little bit of a tight-ass, too, you know.

Oh, man. Just how sad is that?

Grown men who can't watch the game.

Not allowed.

[WHISPERING] Not allowed!

Hey, you know what we do?

Why don't we get together with the wives,

and then you and I can watch the game.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Watch the game with the women right there.

I like that. Yeah.

Then we'll get hookers too. That'll be good.

No...

I'm serious. We get together,

we have dinner, and they start talking girlie stuff,

and we're in.

They don't care what we're doing in the other room.

I guess-- I guess it would work. Yeah!

But what if they have nothing to say to each other?

Then-- Then we jump-start them.

What? Yeah.

We jump-start the conversation, you know, like, uh,

"Honey, didn't you just get your nails done

at a place around here?"

And Carrie goes, "What place?"

Boom! Yakkity yak! We're at the game!

You son of a gun. You're smart.

You forgot good-looking.

Now I'm nauseous.

DOUG: Oh, some more cayenne pepper

to turn it up a notch, and boom!

Let's turn it up another notch. And bam!

Shimmy-sh-sham!

Hey, honey, you wanna watch me turn it up a notch? Huh?

Come here. Boom!

Okay, simmer down, Heffernan.

Uh, that's chef-fernan.

You know what? That just gets funnier with each barbecue.

Hey, you wanna hand me the, uh, westa-shire sauce?

What did you say?

The, uh...

wester...chester sauce.

That's not the way you say it.

Well, how do you say it? Well, I try not to,

but if I have to, I say it very quickly.

"Pass me the whoosershire sauce."

You see?

But when you pronounce it slowly,

it highlights your stupidity.

Okay, well, how about we both learn to say it the right way.

All right. All right.

It's worst... Wussher...

Woarst... Wersh...

Whoosherchire... Westershire...sire...

Okay, that was fun. This is brutal.

It's gonna be fun tonight, though, huh?

Yes, it's gonna be fun hanging out with a new couple.

Is the wife nice?

What, Debra? Oh, yeah. Very sweet. You're gonna love her.

She's not all Long-islandy, is she?

Oh, no, not at all.

What does that mean anyway?

You know, like that woman from Great Neck.

You remember?

I, like, barely tapped her Jaguar

in the Walbaum's parking lot.

You remember her?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

She was like, "You know, darling,

"you're not the only car in the parking lot.

Maybe you should look where you're going."

Yeah, okay.

Why don't you look where my boot is going, lady?!

What a freaking piece of work she was, right?

Yeah. Listen, Deb's never met you,

so tonight you might wanna just tone it down a notch, huh?

Boom!

What?

You know what I'm talking about.

I don't want them to think I married a bouncer,

you know what I'm saying?

All right, I think I finally nailed the sauce.

Can you hand me the platter? Give me the platter.

Come on. New platter, new platter, new platter!

Platter, platter, platter!

"Tone it...down"?

Oh, Lord.

So what are you saying?

I embarrass you?

Embarrass me?

No, no! I'm not-- No! No, no.

Hey, did Pam have her baby yet?

You don't like the way I act in front of other people?

Is that it? No!

No, you're fine.

What I meant was when people who don't know you,

know how great you are,

sometimes have trouble seeing past your...

hard candy shell...

to the delicious nut inside.

You're a delicious nut, you are.

Who?

You. You really are. You're a nut.

No, no. Who...

Who can't see past my hard shell?

Look, nobody, honey. Well, you just said it.

Now, who? I don't know.

I guess at our wedding, some of my relatives just--

Your relatives don't like me?

Distant relatives!

I barely even know them.

Barney something-or-other.

I don't know. The problem was,

they never saw your inner nut.

Okay, could you shut up about the nut now?

Do you know what you're telling me?

You don't like my personality.

You're being crazy.

If you're so ashamed of me,

why the hell did you even marry me?

You're hot.

Echh.

Carrie, it's a joke. I'm kidding!

I love you!

You know what? Just go away.

Come on! It's not you I'm worried about, all right?

It's Debra, all right?

Ray says she's tough to get along with.

He called her a tight-ass. That's a quote!

Okay, would you stop following me?

Carrie, she's a tight-ass!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ohh! Come on. They're here, all right?

Listen, I love you. All right?

Now, please, could we just have a nice night?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Okay, that's the door. I'm gonna go get it right now, okay?

All right? So we're good here?

Okay?

You're okay, then.

Okay? Okay.

This is good. This is gonna be fun.

She's gonna be fine. She's gonna be fine.

You know, I made the marinade myself.

Did you? He did, yeah.

I told you he does that.

Don't ask me what's in it, though,

because it's a Heffernan secret.

Ooh! Yeah.

Carrie doesn't even know, right, hon?

Nobody knows. Keeping it on the Q.T.

Mum's the word.

Nobody.

Yeah.

Well, whatever's in it, it sure-- it's yummy.

It's very yummy, yes.

Uh, Debra, could you please pass me a napkin?

Sure.

Thank you.

How did I say that?

Was that the right tone?

That was fine.

Because I could tone it down.

That was fine.

You know what's funny about corn?

I mean, corn itself is good,

but corn on the cob,

it just reaches a whole other level.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely.

It does, right? Yeah.

Well, people like to eat their corn north to south.

Tonight I went east to west. I like to go east to west.

You know, like a little typewriter.

Yum yum yum yum yum...

yum yum yum...

yum yum yum...ding!

You know what? I'm gonna start the coffee.

Oh, may I be excused?

Yes.

Thanks.

You know, you don't have to ask.

I think I'm gonna get in there and help her.

Oh, Ray, tell Doug what's funny about lettuce.

What's going on?

Oh, man. We had a fight. She wants me dead.

Oh, man. Sorry. That's rough.

Can I flip on the game?

Not yet.

So you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You seemed a little upset

when you jabbed him with the butter knife.

It's just that Doug said something really stupid

before you guys got here.

Just hurt my feelings a little bit.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Thanks. Yeah.

I've always thought that they should make

a device to put on husbands

that gives them a little shock when they say something stupid.

Yes, like, like a dog collar.

Exactly.

Then it would be like,

"Hey, honey, did you gain a little weight?" Zzzt!

Yes! Right?

I mean, not enough juice to kill them,

but just enough to make them like bite down really hard

on their tongue.

And they would have a little remote control

that you can keep on your key chain.

Yeah, a silver key chain.

With initials.

Exactly! Ha ha ha!

Hey, hey, hey! They're laughing.

That's good. Laughter good. Yeah.

Come on. Let's turn the game on now.

Nnnnn. Not yet. I think it's too soon.

Come on! It's a big game!

And it's happening right now in there.

Let it out.

I want to. I just...

I wish I knew she wasn't so mad at me, you know?

Go in. Check it out.

Go.

I don't think so. I think it's too soon.

[WIVES LAUGHING]

Are you kidding? It's like Def Comedy Jam in there.

You know what? I'll test her out.

I'll grab a beer and give her a kiss on the cheek.

Okay.

Okay, a little premature.

No!

Aw, come on!

The first quarter's practically over already!

Will you turn it on, please?

Look, I can't. Listen, come on.

I'm supposed to be sad and sorry about what I did.

All that stuff.

Well, give me something.

How about...

Hey, let's go picture, no sound.

You can give me picture, no sound.

All right.

Hah hah!

GAME COMMENTATOR: [LOUD VOLUME] And the Jets are ahea--

Hey! Sorry. Sorry.

Hey, what's with the picture, man?

RAY: It's all staticky.

Oh, man. This happened once before.

So what did he say anyway?

He told me to tone myself down.

[GASP]

Oh, maybe the collar should kill them.

I know!

And then he just kept going

and digging himself deeper,

saying he didn't mean it,

trying to blame it on Ray.

"Oh, honey, uh, it's not you. It's Debra.

Ray says she's a real tight-ass."

And then he starts in with,

"You know, it's just your hard shell, you know?

And inside is a delicious nut."

You know? It was just so--

Are you okay?

What's up there?

The main cable connection comes in through the attic.

I just got to get up there and jiggle the wires,

and the picture'll be fine.

Well, jiggle it because it's almost halftime.

I just got to shimmy up through the trapdoor.

You got a ladder or something?

No. It's fine. Just give me a boost.

What, no ladder?

You wanna watch the game?

Come on. Give me 10 fingers.

All right, all right. Come on.

Come on.

Come on. I'm almost there.

Hurry.

I can't. Give me just a couple more inches.

I can't reach it. I can't...

Come on! Ohhhh!

Oh, God! Oh, Ray!

[GROANING]

Ray! Ray, I'm stuck!

DOUG: Ray!

Tight-ass?

Uh-oh.

Ohhh!

Doug?

How's your back?

It still hurts. Good.

Is there anyone down there who can scratch my inner thigh?

CARRIE: Doug, Richie's here.

Hey, moose, it's me, Richie.

Really? Is that what she meant when she said, "Richie's here"?

Get me down!

Whoa. Somebody's cranky.

Hey, Santa Claus, you missed!

[LAUGHING]

Uh, Shecky, you wanna get him down now, please?

All right. Let me check this out.

Ohhh...

You guys all right?

Well, he's got a pinched nerve,

and apparently, I have a tight ass.

You don't say that to a fireman.

What the hell's going on down there?!

All right, moose, relax. We got you covered.

Hey, Chenz, go get me a big stick.

If we whack him, maybe candy will come out!

RICHIE: Okay, 1, 2, 3, push!

DOUG: Easy! Easy! You're taking skin!

Keep pushing!

DOUG: Stop pushing!

DOUG: Hey, is it bad that I'm dizzy?

No, no, it's normal.

It's not normal. We better get him out of there.

I can hear you!

Well, could you hurry up and get him down?

Carrie, can I use your phone? I need to check on the kids.

Yeah. It's right there.

You know what? With all this, I'm gonna go downstairs.

Hey, wait. I'll go with you.

We'll do it together. Just me and you.

Oh, now, that's uncalled for.

All right, we're gonna have to cut.

DOUG: What?

What do you have to cut?

His legs.

Right about here ought to do it.

Ohh! Nice try, moose!

Okay, Doug, could you stop it, please?

You wanna be up there all night?

So what do you have to cut?

Couple ceiling beams ought to do it.

Yo, Eric, go radio in. Tell them we need the buzzer.

Got it.

DOUG: The buzzer?

What's the buzzer? DOUG: What's the buzzer?

Don't worry, moose.

It's a saw. We won't hurt you.

Okay. I'm not worried about him.

I'm worried about my closet.

Is there any other way?

Well, you could just leave him up there

and not feed him for a couple of days.

[LAUGHING]

Okay! He's not that funny!

[WHISTLES]

[IMITATING SYLVESTER STALLONE] You don't like my house, Mick?

My house stinks?

Yeah, that's right, it stinks!

My whole life stinks!

[IMITATING BURGESS MEREDITH] You just need proper management.

Kid, you need proper management!

You're gonna eat lightning and gonna crap thunder!

Crap thunder, but I ain't got no locker, do I, Mick?

I ain't got no locker, huh?

Hey.

Hi.

What are you doing up here?

Well, it's gonna be at least another hour.

Thought you might be getting hungry,

and I also think you have a right to know

that Richie's getting ready to paint your toenails.

He is?

[THUMP]

RICHIE: Oww!

Well, if I ever need asbestos, I know where to go.

Here.

Thanks.

What, no juice box?

Excuse me,

I had to climb up the freaking trellis to bring you this.

I needed one free hand.

You never heard of a backpack?

I'm kidding! I'm kidding! It's a joke!

What, you still mad at me?

Yes! I--

What? Come on. Let's talk it out.

Um...

What?

Doug?

Yeah?

How do you feel in general about mice...

or maybe a rat?

Not a fan. Why? Behind me?

Doug--

is there a rat behind me?

Okay, would you just relax?

I can't relax, all right?

Right now I'm about 18 inches tall,

and I smell like barbecue!

Okay, Doug, don't panic!

He's not even paying attention to--

Is he coming towards me?

Well, he's closer than he was.

For the sweet love of God, kill it! Use your shoe!

I can't kill it!

Ooh.

There.

Look. It worked. He's eating it.

Good.

Good.

You think he's gonna finish it?

Hey, Doug.

Yeah.

Listen, we got to go.

The baby-sitter's waiting.

Oh, all right. Hey, thanks for coming.

Yeah, thanks, you guys.

Yeah, hey, thanks for having us.

It was so nice meeting you, Carrie.

It was nice meeting you.

Hey, let's have lunch.

Oh, absolutely. I'll call you.

Bye, Doug.

Bye, Deb. Hey, see you, Ray.

Thanks again for coming.

All right, man. Hey, thank you.

Thank you. It was fun.

Really fun.

What are you, an 11?

Because I'm an 11. All right, Ray. Let's--

♪ Wah nah wah wah wah wah Wah papapa papa pah wah ♪

I don't know. Sanford and Son?

No. What's Happening!

Oh.

How does Sanford andSon go?

Duh.

♪ Wop wop wop Bwa bwa ♪

♪ Wop wop wop Bada bada da ♪

Right, right. ♪ Nana nana

All right. ♪ Wada dada dada da

All right!

Can we stop playing this now?

All right, fine, but you're forfeit

and you owe me $10 bucks.

It's so worth it.

Hey, Richie, that's not even funny!

Get that out of there!

RICHIE: Sorry, moose. Couldn't resist.

Good news. The saw's here.

We'll have you out in 2 minutes.

All right. Be careful!

I better get down there,

make sure he doesn't cut off anything I need.

Good idea.

Oh, and, Carrie?

Yeah?

Look, I-- I'm really...

I'm really sorry about what I said, okay?

I know.

I'm not embarrassed by you, not at all.

That's very nice, coming from a man

who's wearing his house as a belt.

I love you.

I love you too.

Come here. Pour some sugar on me, huh?

Easy!

That's raw. That's raw.

Pain! Pain!

Sorry, honey.

First of all, you shouldn't be using the ointment.

Get the spray.

Kind of look like Saturn.

That's the one with the ring around it, right?

Yeah, all right. Would you get the spray, please?

CARRIE: Have it?

Aaahhh!

[♪]