Original subtitles

I get so sad when my food's coming to an end.

I know you do, honey.

Then you start seeing the bottom of the container,

and you know it's... It's almost over.

Hey, what you got there?

The one you brought in for me.

Aha.

Do you want it?

I shouldn't. I shouldn't.

Then don't.

I'm getting sad again.

What's with that shirt?

This?

It's velour.

It's nice.

My mother's got a toilet seat cover like that.

What's up, boys? Slide it on over.

Do me a favor... Make a little room

for the IPS driver of the month.

Oh, nice work, man

Number one on-time record, Number one delivery record,

and the fewest lost packages.

Driver...

of the month.

I put a fire out at a nursery school.

Oh, that's good.

Listen, could we get a pitcher of beer over here?

Anything you want tonight, boys, I'm buying.

So what do you get for this,

a trophy with a little truck on top?

Hey, for your information,

they gave my man four Mets tickets in the IPS box

for this Saturday. Front row.

Four seats, four of us, we're there!

Hey, let's get there early.

You know what? We should sleep at Doug's.

Actually, Carrie's already called dibs

on one of the tickets.

And I know I get one.

Why do you get one?

Because I punched him in six times when he was late,

hence his perfect on-time record.

Well, who gets the fourth ticket?

I don't know I guess you guys gotta decide among yourselves.

Here you go. Doug, your wife's on the phone.

Oh, thanks.

Well, how do we decide who gets the extra ticket?

I don't know. Deac, what do you think is fair?

Don't care.

I already got my ticket.

Hey, we could measure something.

You know, like the length of something.

All right.

Or maybe there's another way.

What's up?

Carrie's gonna be at her office late.

I gotta go pick up Arthur from work.

Basically, what I'm saying is, pay for your own food.

Well, it looks like we're gonna be here for a while.

Yep.

You hungry?

Yeah you got some food?

No, just making conversation.

Aw, man, this traffic is brutal.

Well, on the bright side, it gives us a chance to talk.

Hey, have you ever heard the story about my foot surgery?

Uh.

Yes?

Didn't take place in a hospital proper,

but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Let me first tell you about the accident.

So if I didn't sell at least 200 canned hams a week,

I didn't see a dime!

And that little baby grew up to be Miss Rosemary Clooney.

ARTHUR: Douglas, let me tell you how the Vietnam War

could have been avoided with a simple phone call.

Imagine the possibilities, Douglas.

You can sleep in it at night

and eat it in the morning!

And I guess the lesson I learned from that was,

farm equipment is serious business.

Well, here we are, home again.

Home again.

Yep. It only took an hour and a half.

Yes, but in a way, it was a blessing in disguise

We had some wonderful bonding time.

You're a good egg, Douglas.

Oh, and I will get you that literature I promised you.

Great, I look forward to it.

Oh, God!

TV COMMENTATOR: Zero to 5.8 in 60 seconds.

Hey, I'm home.

Hey!

What are you watching?

Letterman. Top 10.

Huh? Top 10 list.

What is it tonight?

Top 10 signs...

Top 10 what?

Hold on! Carrie, I'm listening!

Just tell me the topic!

Carrie, could you... Ah! I missed it!

Sorry. That's all right.

Hey, thanks for picking up Dad from work tonight.

Did it go okay?

Okay?

Let me tell you something, Carrie, I love your dad,

but being trapped in the car with him for two hours...

Not even close to okay.

I mean, he just kept going on and on

about every little stupid thing.

And I'll tell you another thing...

I'd really like to set up a meeting

between your father and a Tic Tac. Hot ziggety!

Whoo!

God, it was brutal.

It was like being trapped in the car

with a demented old circus monkey.

Anyway, why are you late from work again?

It's like the third time this week you should just tell your...

Hey, Arthur.

Douglas.

Where were you?

In the garage, getting a beer.

What's the matter?

I thought you were in there,

and I started going off about your father, and he came up,

and I don't know if he heard me.

Well, what did you say?

I think I called him a demented old circus monkey.

A demented old circus monkey?

I know it's hurtful, that's the point.

But why did you say it?

You know he's always coming in and out of doors.

He's been down there for four hours.

I saw him take his pills.

It looked like enough to put a rhino down.

Well, how did he act when you walked in?

Did he act like he heard you? I don't know.

He just said, "Douglas."

Oh, I just wanted to come home and have a beer and relax.

Just for a moment,

let's assume that he did hear "demented old circus monkey."

How bad does that actually sound?

Well, it doesn't sound good.

Wait a second now. "Circus," fun for the whole family, right?

And "monkey," I think of the tricycle, mug of beer

It's very cute.

What about demented?

That could bite me in the ass. Yeah.

Hey, there he is... My man, Artie.

Hey, the Art man.

Art of the deal.

Hello, Douglas.

How you doing?

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Love this guy.

Uh, you know, uh,

yesterday, right after we got caught in traffic,

I was a little, uh, furp, little crazy, you know?

I was just kind of saying stuff, but I was thinking later on

that that time we spent in the car together

was kind of special, you know,

because you were just so... You were

you, you know?

I am me, yes.

Hey, Stanley, you demented old circus monkey, you!

Who's a demented old circus monkey?

You are, yes, you are. Because you're so good

and fun to be around

Yeah.

Hey, honey. Hi, Dad.

Hey, Carrie, you demented old circus monkey!

What?

It's just my new thing

I call everyone I love, you know?

It's my catch phrase, starting yesterday.

I'm off to work.

See you tonight.

All right, I want you to take it easy now,

you demented old circus monkey!

That was subtle.

I know.

I was trying. He wouldn't give me anything, you know?

He didn't seem that angry, but he wasn't all that nice, either.

He was just kind of there, like a cat.

Doug, listen to me.

You need to either apologize to him,

or let this thing go

because you're really starting to annoy me.

I just need to know if he heard.

Okay, I got it.

You and I, we're gonna do a reenactment.

A reenactment?

Yeah I'm gonna be me you're gonna be him,

and I'm gonna repeat what I said, exactly the way I said it,

and then we'll find out whether he heard once and for all.

Okay, what can I do to make this not happen?

We need everything to be exactly the same way.

This pass-way, this was open right here, okay?

And the TV was on it was definitely on.

Okay.

How loud did I say it, though, you know?

Demented old circus monkey.

It'd be like driving...

Demented old circus monkey!

Like a demented old circus monkey

Yeah, that was the one... The third one, right there.

Are you sure you're in the right key?

Now, come on, you're Arthur

and you're coming up out of the basement.

Oy!

Would you just work with me, please? Okay.

Do you need me to say something like, "action," or anything like that?

I can handle it, butch.

All right, don't push it.

Throw it away.

Douglas!

I'm Arthur!

Arthur Spooner, that's me!

I've invented a new kind of pie.

Hi. Ahem.

Oh, my God, this is not my hat.

Hey, Arthur, we were just, uh...

I saw what you were doing.

I guess when I leave you do little skits about me,

is that it?

Well, I don't.

No, of course not.

You're too busy calling me a demented old circus monkey

behind my back!

Dad... No!

I'm glad I can be a source of such amusement to you two.

I'll be going now.

And by the way,

I didn't invent a new kind of pie.

It was a crumb cake!

Thank you.

Mm-hm.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, wow, he's really mad at us.

There is no us.

You started this, and then you took me down with you

with that brilliant little reenactment.

In my defense, Carrie, it was your choice to wear the hat.

You created an atmosphere

where it was easy to get carried away.

Just go out there and try to talk to him, will you?

Why don't you? I did.

Every time I do, he just covers his ears and shuts his eyes

and walks away.

Usually right into something.

Okay, I'll go.

Dad, would you just come inside and eat with us?

Sorry.

I prefer to eat out here

with the other demented circus monkeys.

You're not a circus monkey, Dad.

Uh-uh.

Demented circus monkey.

Will you stop it? We're sorry, okay?

Sure, it's easy to say you're sorry after the insult.

Well, it's kind of hard to do it before the insult.

Heh heh heh heh!

If you're trying to disarm me with your wit,

I recommend you save your time.

Hey!

Party Artie!

Chef Boy-Artie!

Yeah, we're... We're in here.

All right, I got it!

You wait in the Shea parking lot,

and after 4 and a half innings,

I come out, and then you go in for the rest of the game.

How's that?

You won't come out.

That's true.

I apologized to the guy 20 times.

What else can I do?

I don't know.

Why don't you take him somewhere?

What, like...

out to the woods?

Hey, I got an idea.

We got a dish here with about a dozen butter balls.

You eat them all in under a minute,

and you're going to Shea.

I know what you could do.

What?

You could give him the other Mets ticket.

This is a lot of butter,

and I think we have a deal.

Not the game. He'll ruin it somehow.

He'll yell something embarrassing,

and the first-base coach will look at me.

Look, man, you hurt the guy's feelings.

You gotta deal with the consequences.

I guess you're right.

I guess I gotta bite the bullet on this one.

All right, I'll bring him.

That's 12.

I win.

I get the ticket!

What?

ANNOUNCER: Now batting,

Number 61

Gilbert Showman.

Okay, Arthur, got you a program

and a pennant here and a little bat.

It's also a pen.

Look at it! I'm a giant baseball player

with a very normal-sized bat.

Whoa!

He lays down a bunt!

Okay, it's not landing.

Would you just take this stuff, will you?

Thank you, no.

I accepted this ticket because I love the Mets

and I enjoy the company of Mister, uh...

Palmer.

Palmer.

You two I can do without.

All right, so what do you wanna eat?

You want a hot dog, peanuts?

Nothing, thank you.

What about one of those ice creams you like?

Cool-A-Coo? Huh?

You love Cool-A-Coos.

If I got you a cool-a-coo, would you eat it?

I might eat it.

Then I'm gonna get you a Cool-A-Coo

and one for my friend, uh...

I'm sorry, son.

Give it to me one more time.

Palmer.

Palmer.

ANNOUNCER: Now batting, Number 4...

Greg Jacobs!

Oh, God.

These seats are pretty great, huh?

Sure you don't want that pennant?

Because I think it's, uh, pretty sweet.

I'm sure.

Yeah! Yeah!

Mets! Yeah! God, this thing is fun!

Yeah.

Hi. I need two Cool-A-Coos, please

Sorry, beer only.

Okay, I'll take a beer and two Cool-A-Coos.

Beer only.

What are you talking about?

You got Cool-A-Coos right there. I can see them!

Beer only.

Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that.

Listen, I've got an old man out there with very hurt feelings,

and he's got his heart set on a fricking Cool-A-Coo.

Now, I'm gonna count to five,

and if a Cool-A-Coo does not appear in my hand,

I'm gonna put you on a stick.

What does Met stand for anyway, you know?

I mean, what's a Met?

What's the deal with that?

Come on. Give me something, huh?

It's short for "metropolitan."

Or perhaps it's short for "hurtful son-in-law."

All right, that's it! Come on, you know?

I said I was sorry. I didn't even mean what I said.

I've apologized. I've shared front row seats with you.

I'm out. I'm out. I'm out.

Never got a foul ball before.

Hey, buddy! Back in your seat!

Hey!

Go, big man.

Go.

ANNOUNCER: Oh, will you look at this?

This is terrible.

Is that Doug?

ANNOUNCER: Some moron is running around the field,

ruining it for everyone.

Go, moose!

Hey? How you guys doing?

That's my son-in-law!

Piazza!

Driver of the month.

This is a long way to fall.

Um, excuse me, sir?

I'm sorry to bother you.

Could you just let us go now, please?

He won't go on the field again,

and I won't spit on any more concession people.

Sorry. Rules are rules.

Oh, come on it's not like you're running a real jail here.

It's Mets' jail get a grip!

Piazza!

Hey, dude, you know what? We get it. You like Piazza.

Okay, now settle down, drunky.

All right, honey, take it easy!

This man has puking in his future.

Hey, some guy's here to claim you.

Hey, Arthur. Hi, Dad.

Well, I can't say this is my proudest moment.

Sorry I didn't get you that foul ball.

No, no, Douglas, I was very touched.

You did toss it away to save yourself, but other than that,

it was a very nice gesture.

I almost got you your ice cream.

Well, yes, but I heard you were in the "beer only" line.

Last time I checked, that means "beer only."

Well, anyway, I'm sorry.

Come on. Let's get you kids out of this hell hole.

Listen, Arthur, I'm...

I'm really sorry about that demented monkey comment.

Aw, forget it.

To be honest, Douglas, behind your back,

I often refer to you as the butterball.

That's good to know, and ouch.

TV ANNOUNCER: And from the at-least-you-know

you're-smarter than-someone file,

here's a guy who really wanted a foul ball

in Shea stadium today.

Look at this lunatic go.

Boing! Boing! Boing!

Yeah, why don't you show the part

where I make a crazy old man happy, huh?

Oh, hey, Dad.

Yeah, you're funny? Thought that was funny, huh?

Funny funny funny!