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1
00:00:00,399 --> 00:00:03,332
- That party was a dud.
- I struck out with, like, 20 girls.
2
00:00:03,538 --> 00:00:04,971
And my condom expired.
3
00:00:05,207 --> 00:00:06,606
We are losers.
4
00:00:06,842 --> 00:00:07,934
We've tried everything.
5
00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:10,872
We're covered in Drakkar.
I've got fresh new white socks.
6
00:00:11,146 --> 00:00:14,343
And I thought our mime work in there
was excellent.
7
00:00:14,583 --> 00:00:16,050
What?
8
00:00:21,556 --> 00:00:25,048
Um, are we in a zombie movie right now?
9
00:00:50,018 --> 00:00:51,542
Boys...
10
00:00:51,820 --> 00:00:54,220
...today is your lucky day.
11
00:00:54,456 --> 00:00:56,890
Because today...
12
00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:59,719
...I'm gonna teach you how to...
13
00:01:03,465 --> 00:01:05,092
...live.
14
00:01:05,367 --> 00:01:06,925
Who's got gum?
15
00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:17,000
Ripped By mstoll
16
00:01:20,148 --> 00:01:25,176
Kids, for a brief period when I was 7,
my best friend was a balloon.
17
00:01:25,420 --> 00:01:26,887
It was the classic story.
18
00:01:27,122 --> 00:01:28,316
Boy meets balloon.
19
00:01:28,557 --> 00:01:30,388
Boy and balloon become friends.
20
00:01:30,625 --> 00:01:33,526
Boy loses balloon when mom
sets out hot dogs in the backyard.
21
00:01:33,762 --> 00:01:35,730
No!
22
00:01:35,964 --> 00:01:39,365
Decades later, boy's new best friend
finds out about the whole thing...
23
00:01:39,601 --> 00:01:41,193
...never lets him live it down.
24
00:01:41,436 --> 00:01:42,460
I hate you so much.
25
00:01:42,737 --> 00:01:44,261
Whole thing taught me a lesson.
26
00:01:44,506 --> 00:01:46,940
If you love something,
you can never let it go...
27
00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:49,905
...not even for a second
or it's gone forever.
28
00:01:50,145 --> 00:01:54,377
Well, at least, I still got my hotdogs.
29
00:01:54,616 --> 00:01:55,981
No.
30
00:01:56,251 --> 00:01:59,243
It was a lesson that took me
nearly 30 years to unlearn.
31
00:01:59,488 --> 00:02:03,117
- Where could Barney be?
- Oh, relax, he always finds his way home.
32
00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:06,656
St. Patrick's Day, 2008, he did not
find his way home that night.
33
00:02:06,928 --> 00:02:09,988
That dumpster was a block
from his apartment, I call that a win.
34
00:02:10,265 --> 00:02:12,995
Also, that isn't the filthiest trash
he's ever slept with.
35
00:02:13,268 --> 00:02:16,431
Oh, my future husband, folks.
36
00:02:17,038 --> 00:02:21,270
- Or maybe he bailed on the wedding.
- Oh, come on, don't even think like that.
37
00:02:21,510 --> 00:02:23,273
He's terrified of commitment.
38
00:02:23,512 --> 00:02:26,675
Although ironically,
loves being tied down.
39
00:02:26,948 --> 00:02:31,942
As the run-offee at my almost-wedding,
I can tell you, you're fine.
40
00:02:32,187 --> 00:02:34,155
Barney is no Stella.
41
00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:36,253
Hey, have you talked to her in a while?
42
00:02:36,491 --> 00:02:37,515
- Stella?
- Yeah.
43
00:02:37,792 --> 00:02:40,283
The woman who broke my heart
and embarrassed me...
44
00:02:40,529 --> 00:02:44,192
...in front of all my friends
and loved ones? Uh, ha, no.
45
00:02:44,466 --> 00:02:45,490
That was a lie.
46
00:02:45,734 --> 00:02:48,396
A few days earlier,
I had talked to Stella on the phone.
47
00:02:48,637 --> 00:02:53,267
Because, as you may recall,
I'm kind of the wedding gift master.
48
00:02:53,508 --> 00:02:56,909
I'm gonna stop you.
Do you not hear how weird this all sounds?
49
00:02:57,112 --> 00:02:59,410
- What is weird?
- You're going to your ex's wedding.
50
00:02:59,648 --> 00:03:01,309
- Not weird.
- You'll be the best man.
51
00:03:01,550 --> 00:03:04,417
- Utterly not weird.
- Less than a week before the wedding...
52
00:03:04,653 --> 00:03:07,315
...you're calling the woman
who left you at the altar...
53
00:03:07,556 --> 00:03:10,525
...and moved three time zones away,
on the razor-thin chance...
54
00:03:10,759 --> 00:03:13,125
...that I ended up
with her grandmother's locket?
55
00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:16,353
You know what's weird?
Not seeing Star Wars until you're 30.
56
00:03:16,598 --> 00:03:20,056
- You're trying to blow up the wedding.
- You called C-3PO the Tin Man.
57
00:03:20,335 --> 00:03:22,803
- He's made of tin.
- It's Tatooine scrap metal.
58
00:03:23,038 --> 00:03:25,165
This is not an argument
you're gonna win.
59
00:03:25,407 --> 00:03:27,432
- Now, do you have the locket or not?
- Look.
60
00:03:27,676 --> 00:03:31,009
I might have it in one of my old boxes
in our storage locker...
61
00:03:31,246 --> 00:03:36,377
...but even if I did, I cannot get out there
this week, I'm totally swamped.
62
00:03:36,618 --> 00:03:38,813
One ticket to Los Angeles, please.
63
00:03:39,054 --> 00:03:42,182
So the reason someone can't come up
to fix the air conditioning...
64
00:03:42,424 --> 00:03:47,828
...is that the ghost of Captain Dearduff,
who haunts this room, likes it muggy.
65
00:03:48,063 --> 00:03:50,327
Correct.
Although, now that I say it out loud...
66
00:03:50,565 --> 00:03:55,002
...it does sound kind of ridiculous because
there's no such thing as ghosts. Right?
67
00:03:56,805 --> 00:04:01,242
You have outflanked me, front desk guy.
Victory is yours.
68
00:04:01,509 --> 00:04:03,875
The truth is, there was a ghost in that room.
69
00:04:04,112 --> 00:04:05,739
You see, minutes earlier...
70
00:04:05,981 --> 00:04:09,280
...Marshall had been in the middle
of the worst fight of his marriage...
71
00:04:09,551 --> 00:04:12,076
...when all of a sudden, Lily stormed out.
72
00:04:13,922 --> 00:04:16,914
- Dammit Lily, this is so unfair.
- I know.
73
00:04:17,158 --> 00:04:21,356
Storming out in the middle of an argument,
so childish.
74
00:04:21,596 --> 00:04:25,760
Thank you, Ghost Lily.
I'm glad at least you see it that way.
75
00:04:26,034 --> 00:04:28,502
Although, let's be honest,
I did you a favor.
76
00:04:28,737 --> 00:04:31,205
- You were gonna lose.
- I... What?
77
00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:32,633
I was gonna lose?
78
00:04:32,907 --> 00:04:34,875
Uh, check your spectral scorecard,
Ghost Lily.
79
00:04:35,110 --> 00:04:37,101
I had you on ropes.
That's why you ran out.
80
00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:39,609
I ran out because you
brought up San Francisco.
81
00:04:39,848 --> 00:04:42,408
- It was a valid point.
- It's ancient history.
82
00:04:42,651 --> 00:04:46,052
If you're mad at anyone,
you're mad at 2006 Lily.
83
00:04:46,288 --> 00:04:50,019
- I can't have an argument with 2006...
- Is nice.
84
00:04:50,258 --> 00:04:51,657
Do people still say that?
85
00:04:52,961 --> 00:04:56,658
I'm sorry, how exactly
are you gonna teach us how to live?
86
00:04:56,931 --> 00:05:01,561
The journey to awesome
starts with a single...
87
00:05:02,270 --> 00:05:04,830
Actually, lots of singles.
We're going to a strip club.
88
00:05:05,106 --> 00:05:07,404
Strip club?
We're in the middle of nowhere.
89
00:05:07,642 --> 00:05:09,542
There is always a strip club.
90
00:05:11,513 --> 00:05:13,640
Hey, are you worried
this guy might kill us?
91
00:05:13,882 --> 00:05:16,646
We just put a down payment
on adult bunk beds.
92
00:05:16,885 --> 00:05:20,821
- Would getting killed really be so bad?
- Good point. But I got a weird feeling.
93
00:05:21,089 --> 00:05:23,751
I mean there's something off about...
Whoa!
94
00:05:27,195 --> 00:05:30,494
Why does this sign say
"Gentlemen's Club"?
95
00:05:31,032 --> 00:05:35,560
Because The Crab Shed
is a place for gentlemen.
96
00:05:36,037 --> 00:05:38,198
A gentleman tips generously.
97
00:05:38,473 --> 00:05:42,102
A gentleman uses
the complimentary bathroom cologne...
98
00:05:42,344 --> 00:05:43,572
...but not too much.
99
00:05:44,245 --> 00:05:45,974
Oh, this is important:
100
00:05:46,214 --> 00:05:51,151
Your instinct may be
to avoid the free buffet.
101
00:05:51,386 --> 00:05:54,355
Your instinct is wrong.
102
00:05:54,622 --> 00:05:57,216
Don't sleep on the meatballs,
gentlemen.
103
00:05:57,492 --> 00:05:59,153
They are exquisite.
104
00:05:59,394 --> 00:06:01,487
Come on.
105
00:06:04,199 --> 00:06:05,791
I liked Stella.
106
00:06:06,034 --> 00:06:09,333
Even though she broke your heart,
I'd still put her in your top five.
107
00:06:09,571 --> 00:06:10,629
Which are?
108
00:06:10,872 --> 00:06:12,237
Number five, Stella.
109
00:06:12,507 --> 00:06:13,838
Number four, Zoey.
110
00:06:14,075 --> 00:06:16,475
- Number three, uh, the Slutty Pumpkin.
- Oh.
111
00:06:16,678 --> 00:06:19,772
Number two, Marshall, that time you guys
pretended to be a couple...
112
00:06:19,981 --> 00:06:22,142
...when Barney
was trying to sell the apartment.
113
00:06:22,384 --> 00:06:24,511
And number one, Victoria.
114
00:06:24,753 --> 00:06:26,880
- You've given this some thought.
- We all have.
115
00:06:27,155 --> 00:06:29,851
There's kind of a running e-mail chain
about it.
116
00:06:30,091 --> 00:06:32,753
But the pastry chef was the best,
no question.
117
00:06:33,027 --> 00:06:35,018
I do miss her sticky buns.
118
00:06:35,263 --> 00:06:38,130
- Euphemism?
- Nope.
119
00:06:39,267 --> 00:06:41,167
Can I be honest?
120
00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:47,897
It was kind of crazy how all of a sudden
it was just over between you and Victoria.
121
00:06:48,176 --> 00:06:52,704
I mean you guys were seven years
in the making.
122
00:06:52,947 --> 00:06:55,177
She left her fianc� for you.
123
00:06:55,417 --> 00:06:56,941
Why would you break up?
124
00:06:59,087 --> 00:07:00,145
What happened?
125
00:07:02,924 --> 00:07:05,188
Ahem. We, um...
126
00:07:06,628 --> 00:07:08,721
We broke up because of you.
127
00:07:14,836 --> 00:07:16,963
Oh, my God, this is amazing.
128
00:07:17,238 --> 00:07:19,968
I ruined my pants but it's totally worth it.
129
00:07:20,241 --> 00:07:21,868
Best meatballs ever.
130
00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:24,874
I'm gonna ask a serious question
right now:
131
00:07:25,113 --> 00:07:27,377
Can a person live in a strip club?
132
00:07:27,949 --> 00:07:28,973
Yes.
133
00:07:29,250 --> 00:07:32,083
For the next few years,
your strip club will be like home.
134
00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:34,117
Then one day you'll date a stripper...
135
00:07:34,355 --> 00:07:37,051
...and almost marry her,
and after that you'll realize...
136
00:07:37,292 --> 00:07:38,884
...you're done with strip clubs.
137
00:07:39,127 --> 00:07:41,618
In the sense that you'll dial it back
to once a week.
138
00:07:42,096 --> 00:07:45,896
- I feel I can talk to women now.
- You just stick a dollar bill in your mouth...
139
00:07:46,134 --> 00:07:47,795
...the conversation starts itself.
140
00:07:48,036 --> 00:07:51,005
I think we're ready to go back to that party
and meet ladies.
141
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,135
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.
142
00:07:54,375 --> 00:07:57,469
You are not ready!
143
00:07:57,745 --> 00:08:03,149
Your training is complete
when I say your training is complete!
144
00:08:03,384 --> 00:08:04,783
Come on, let's go.
145
00:08:06,788 --> 00:08:10,019
You broke up with Victoria
because of me?
146
00:08:11,159 --> 00:08:14,822
She didn't want us to be friends anymore.
So I had to let her go.
147
00:08:15,830 --> 00:08:17,593
Ted?
148
00:08:19,501 --> 00:08:20,991
I just...
149
00:08:22,370 --> 00:08:23,769
Wow, I...
150
00:08:23,972 --> 00:08:27,635
- And you haven't talked to her since?
- I haven't talked to her since.
151
00:08:27,876 --> 00:08:29,343
Also a lie.
152
00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:30,874
Unbelievable.
153
00:08:31,145 --> 00:08:35,343
I assume this is all in the hopes Robin will
ditch her wedding and run off with you?
154
00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:38,143
What? No. I would never...
155
00:08:38,386 --> 00:08:41,480
Never run off with a girl
on the day of her wedding? Right...
156
00:08:41,723 --> 00:08:45,454
- Okay, that's a fair point.
- I'm not done. Right.
157
00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:46,751
So do you have it?
158
00:08:51,232 --> 00:08:52,631
I'm looking at it right now.
159
00:08:52,867 --> 00:08:54,892
What? Stay there, I'm on my way.
160
00:08:55,169 --> 00:08:57,069
I'm in Germany. Dankesch�n.
161
00:08:58,339 --> 00:09:01,274
- I see.
- Look, if it means that much to you...
162
00:09:01,509 --> 00:09:05,343
...as soon as I'm done here,
I'll overnight it. It'll be there in 24 hours.
163
00:09:06,180 --> 00:09:07,841
Thank you.
164
00:09:08,249 --> 00:09:09,716
So this bakery, what kind of...
165
00:09:09,951 --> 00:09:12,078
You want me to send you some
chocolate truffle Streuselkuchen?
166
00:09:12,353 --> 00:09:14,048
Yes, please. You're the best.
167
00:09:14,322 --> 00:09:16,984
But then, 24 hours later... disaster.
168
00:09:17,225 --> 00:09:21,286
I'm sorry, Mr. Mosby. It says here
your package was delivered earlier today.
169
00:09:21,529 --> 00:09:22,723
Your wife signed for it.
170
00:09:22,964 --> 00:09:25,159
My... What? I don't have a wife.
171
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,732
So then who's Jeanette Mosby?
172
00:09:28,536 --> 00:09:29,935
Oh, you're kidding me.
173
00:09:32,373 --> 00:09:36,241
Oh, my gosh, 2013 Me,
so many questions.
174
00:09:36,477 --> 00:09:39,002
How many Myspace friends
do I have now?
175
00:09:39,247 --> 00:09:40,578
Has James Blunt...
176
00:09:40,848 --> 00:09:44,340
...put out the steady stream
of number one hits we all expect from him?
177
00:09:44,586 --> 00:09:48,352
- And why are we in this hotel room?
- We're here for Barney's wedding.
178
00:09:48,590 --> 00:09:49,614
Barney's wedding?
179
00:09:49,891 --> 00:09:54,624
Oh, God, what desperate ho-bag
is handcuffing herself to that time bomb?
180
00:09:54,896 --> 00:09:56,887
My dad did a real number on me.
181
00:09:57,131 --> 00:09:59,463
Okay, uh, Ghost Lily,
Seven-Years-Ago Ghost Lily...
182
00:09:59,734 --> 00:10:01,133
...can we get on with this
so I can win the argument?
183
00:10:01,402 --> 00:10:04,599
Move on to my regularly scheduled fantasy
of you two making out with each other?
184
00:10:04,872 --> 00:10:07,432
- Sure.
- Just so you know, I really like it when...
185
00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:09,074
I know. I'm you.
186
00:10:09,310 --> 00:10:11,369
And I don't like that anymore.
187
00:10:11,613 --> 00:10:13,877
Okay, Seven-Years-Ago Lily...
188
00:10:14,115 --> 00:10:17,482
...maybe I'm wrong for still being mad
at you about San Francisco...
189
00:10:17,752 --> 00:10:19,049
...and our break-up.
190
00:10:19,287 --> 00:10:23,621
But the truth is, when you left me, that was
the saddest I've ever been in my life.
191
00:10:23,891 --> 00:10:24,915
Really?
192
00:10:25,126 --> 00:10:27,993
- The saddest you've ever been?
- The saddest I've ever been.
193
00:10:28,296 --> 00:10:30,389
I mean, I am sitting right here.
194
00:10:30,932 --> 00:10:35,869
Dad, obviously losing you was way worse,
but I'm trying to make a bigger point here.
195
00:10:36,104 --> 00:10:37,503
And what point is that?
196
00:10:37,772 --> 00:10:41,071
Because she hurt you once,
you now get to hurt her?
197
00:10:41,309 --> 00:10:43,072
That's not how it works in a marriage.
198
00:10:43,311 --> 00:10:44,573
Oooh.
199
00:10:44,779 --> 00:10:46,474
You're totally gonna lose.
200
00:10:48,216 --> 00:10:51,617
- I can't believe you're open.
- I'm always open for friends.
201
00:10:51,853 --> 00:10:54,981
What are we doing here?
We should go back to the party.
202
00:10:55,223 --> 00:10:57,191
In relaxed-fit domestic denim?
203
00:10:57,458 --> 00:11:00,950
I'm sorry, is this a costume party
and you're going as 1994?
204
00:11:01,329 --> 00:11:03,797
Would you be a peach
and bump this, please?
205
00:11:04,732 --> 00:11:06,962
Who cares? They're just clothes.
206
00:11:07,201 --> 00:11:08,828
"Just clothes?"
207
00:11:09,070 --> 00:11:11,197
Ted... Sorry, force of habit.
208
00:11:11,472 --> 00:11:14,908
Boys, suits are cool. Exhibit A.
209
00:11:15,143 --> 00:11:19,045
I don't care how well dressed I am.
The challenge is walking up to a girl...
210
00:11:19,313 --> 00:11:23,272
...and somehow talking to her.
With words, from my mouth.
211
00:11:23,518 --> 00:11:26,510
I've looked at it from every angle.
There's no way to do it.
212
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,053
- What's your name?
- Justin.
213
00:11:35,329 --> 00:11:38,230
- Have you met Justin?
- Uh, no.
214
00:11:38,499 --> 00:11:39,727
Hi, I'm Julie.
215
00:11:40,234 --> 00:11:42,065
So simple. So elegant.
216
00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:46,567
That's it? You just walk up to someone
and introduce them to your buddy?
217
00:11:46,841 --> 00:11:49,241
- That sounds kind of...
- Have you met Kyle?
218
00:11:49,510 --> 00:11:51,171
Hi, Kyle.
219
00:11:51,412 --> 00:11:53,380
Are you Jesus?
220
00:11:54,282 --> 00:11:57,308
I would have understood, you know.
221
00:11:57,552 --> 00:12:00,248
If you told me that
we couldn't be friends anymore...
222
00:12:00,521 --> 00:12:03,957
...I wouldn't have liked it,
but I would have understood.
223
00:12:04,192 --> 00:12:06,353
- I could never do that.
- Why not?
224
00:12:07,595 --> 00:12:10,655
Ted. I insist that you tell me why not.
225
00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:13,389
- No way.
- Answer the question.
226
00:12:13,634 --> 00:12:16,831
- It's for the bride.
- I'm not gonna answer the question...
227
00:12:17,071 --> 00:12:19,062
...because you know the answer.
228
00:12:20,441 --> 00:12:23,410
You wanna talk about my top five?
There's no top five, Robin.
229
00:12:23,644 --> 00:12:25,976
There's just a top one, and it's you.
230
00:12:27,281 --> 00:12:31,911
And I'm only saying it because I know
that it's not gonna change anything.
231
00:12:32,153 --> 00:12:34,621
You and Barney are getting married today.
232
00:12:34,889 --> 00:12:37,119
If I have to hold the shotgun, it's happening.
233
00:12:38,226 --> 00:12:41,525
- I thought you don't like guns.
- I'm the Best Man.
234
00:12:41,763 --> 00:12:43,890
I swore on the Bro Code.
235
00:12:44,132 --> 00:12:46,896
I don't wanna go to Bro Hell.
236
00:12:47,135 --> 00:12:48,227
Bro Hell sounds bad.
237
00:12:48,469 --> 00:12:51,063
I'm sure Barney's got a whole thing
about Bro Hell.
238
00:12:51,405 --> 00:12:52,565
But...
239
00:12:52,807 --> 00:12:56,140
...what about when we get back
from our honeymoon?
240
00:12:57,345 --> 00:13:00,542
What about our first night out at the bar?
What then?
241
00:13:00,782 --> 00:13:02,010
Is it gonna be weird?
242
00:13:02,784 --> 00:13:04,012
No.
243
00:13:04,252 --> 00:13:07,653
- How can you be so sure?
- Because I'm not gonna be there.
244
00:13:07,922 --> 00:13:09,651
I'm moving to Chicago.
245
00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:19,526
- You're moving to Chicago?
- I'm gonna work for Hammond Druthers.
246
00:13:19,767 --> 00:13:22,634
- The penis building guy?
- They're not all penis buildings.
247
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:26,465
He designed this clamshell amphitheater
for the St. Louis Symphony.
248
00:13:26,707 --> 00:13:29,835
That one doesn't look like a penis, anyway.
249
00:13:30,845 --> 00:13:33,643
I can't believe you're leaving New York.
250
00:13:34,348 --> 00:13:38,444
- Is this because of me?
- No, it's not because of you.
251
00:13:38,686 --> 00:13:40,654
Maybe at first it was, but...
252
00:13:53,467 --> 00:13:56,265
It's been a really long week.
253
00:13:56,871 --> 00:13:59,772
Some stuff has happened...
254
00:14:00,808 --> 00:14:04,073
...and it's just made me feel
like it's time to move on.
255
00:14:05,713 --> 00:14:09,274
Yes, good things happened to me
in New York...
256
00:14:09,717 --> 00:14:11,378
...but bad things happened too.
257
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:15,148
Like your top five worst relationships?
258
00:14:15,389 --> 00:14:17,380
Okay, come on.
259
00:14:17,658 --> 00:14:19,216
Let me hear it.
260
00:14:19,493 --> 00:14:21,256
- Number five, Blah Blah.
- Mm-hm.
261
00:14:21,462 --> 00:14:23,089
Number four, Boats Boats Boats.
262
00:14:23,731 --> 00:14:25,858
- Number three, Karen.
- Hmm.
263
00:14:26,267 --> 00:14:30,135
Number two, uh, Zoey.
She made both lists.
264
00:14:30,705 --> 00:14:33,606
And number one, by a landslide, Jeanette.
265
00:14:33,841 --> 00:14:35,706
Jeanette. Of course.
266
00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:37,638
- Have you talked to Jeanette?
- No...
267
00:14:37,845 --> 00:14:38,869
Liar.
268
00:14:39,146 --> 00:14:41,808
I was at your apartment
stealing your mail...
269
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:45,212
...and apparently,
there's some chick named Victoria...
270
00:14:45,453 --> 00:14:47,819
...sending you jewelry from Germany.
271
00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:49,920
Somebody owes somebody an explanation.
272
00:14:50,191 --> 00:14:52,989
Jeanette, that locket
is a wedding gift for Robin.
273
00:14:53,227 --> 00:14:55,525
Robin? Oh, God, this again?
274
00:14:55,763 --> 00:14:59,699
That I'm giving to her as a friend
because I'm the wedding gift master...
275
00:14:59,934 --> 00:15:02,232
...now bring it back to me right now.
- Fine.
276
00:15:02,470 --> 00:15:05,564
Meet me at the Bow Bridge in Central Park
in one hour.
277
00:15:05,806 --> 00:15:07,865
And by the way, I want Kenny back.
278
00:15:08,109 --> 00:15:10,236
- Who's Kenny?
- My pet tarantula.
279
00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:13,913
By the way, I love your hair.
280
00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:16,513
- I love your hair.
- Imaginary women, right?
281
00:15:16,751 --> 00:15:20,653
Okay, I need everyone
to just be quiet, please.
282
00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:25,887
Look, I know that
I could have handled all of this better.
283
00:15:26,127 --> 00:15:29,927
Setting aside the fact that our friends
are here and we don't speak Italian...
284
00:15:30,197 --> 00:15:33,030
...if we stay in New York,
we both get to follow our dreams.
285
00:15:33,267 --> 00:15:36,236
Are we gonna go someplace
where only one of us gets to do that?
286
00:15:36,470 --> 00:15:38,301
- Of course not.
- Well, then, how can you...
287
00:15:38,506 --> 00:15:39,495
Wait, what?
288
00:15:39,707 --> 00:15:41,038
We're not moving to Italy.
289
00:15:41,275 --> 00:15:44,802
We have a baby. It makes sense
to stay here. Even I know that.
290
00:15:45,079 --> 00:15:46,205
You do?
291
00:15:46,447 --> 00:15:47,914
So...
292
00:15:48,449 --> 00:15:50,314
...I win?
293
00:15:50,651 --> 00:15:53,051
Well then, ho, hey, ho...
294
00:15:53,287 --> 00:15:57,121
...in your ethereal face, Ghost Lily.
295
00:15:57,358 --> 00:16:00,452
Oh, yeah, the convincer right here.
296
00:16:00,661 --> 00:16:03,095
- She thought I was gonna lose.
- You are gonna lose.
297
00:16:03,764 --> 00:16:04,958
You're gonna lose this.
298
00:16:06,267 --> 00:16:07,791
If you keep lying to me.
299
00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:10,401
If you keep cutting me out of decisions.
300
00:16:10,771 --> 00:16:16,641
If you keep using words like winning and
losing when you talk about our marriage.
301
00:16:16,877 --> 00:16:19,607
It's not like it'll happen all at once...
302
00:16:19,847 --> 00:16:22,077
...but if you keep acting this way...
303
00:16:22,316 --> 00:16:24,443
...little by little...
304
00:16:24,685 --> 00:16:25,947
...you're gonna lose me.
305
00:16:27,288 --> 00:16:28,619
Is that what you want?
306
00:16:29,623 --> 00:16:34,822
No, of course not. You're not my enemy.
You're my wife.
307
00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:36,962
My wife. Right?
308
00:16:37,198 --> 00:16:38,722
No, sorry.
309
00:16:40,968 --> 00:16:43,129
We should probably head back.
310
00:16:44,372 --> 00:16:46,237
Do you want to watch the sun come up?
311
00:16:50,211 --> 00:16:51,644
Sure.
312
00:16:51,879 --> 00:16:55,144
Thanks for meeting me here.
I'm heading to the East Side to stuff...
313
00:16:55,349 --> 00:16:58,182
...a dead squirrel
into a different ex-boyfriend's mailbox.
314
00:16:58,419 --> 00:16:59,818
You know, this made sense.
315
00:17:00,054 --> 00:17:01,282
Of course.
316
00:17:01,522 --> 00:17:03,114
So can I have the locket?
317
00:17:04,525 --> 00:17:06,652
- No.
- What...? Jeanette.
318
00:17:06,894 --> 00:17:09,021
Ted, listen to me. You're being crazy.
319
00:17:09,296 --> 00:17:10,320
I'm being crazy?
320
00:17:10,564 --> 00:17:13,362
Yes. How long
have you been hung up on Robin?
321
00:17:13,901 --> 00:17:15,061
Eight years?
322
00:17:15,336 --> 00:17:18,897
You're killing yourself to fetch
little trinkets for her? That's crazy.
323
00:17:19,874 --> 00:17:22,502
More than crazy.
I don't think there's a word for that.
324
00:17:22,743 --> 00:17:24,973
Actually there is a word for that. It's love.
325
00:17:26,347 --> 00:17:27,905
I'm in love with her. Okay?
326
00:17:28,182 --> 00:17:32,050
If you're looking for the word that means
caring about someone beyond rationality...
327
00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:34,685
...and wanting them to have everything they
want no matter how much it destroys you...
328
00:17:34,922 --> 00:17:35,980
...it's love.
329
00:17:37,425 --> 00:17:40,986
And when you love someone
you don't stop. Ever.
330
00:17:41,228 --> 00:17:45,096
Even when people roll their eyes or call
you crazy, even then, especially then...
331
00:17:46,067 --> 00:17:49,093
...you just... You don't give up.
Because if I could give up?
332
00:17:49,370 --> 00:17:53,431
If I could just take the whole world's advice
and move on and find someone else...
333
00:17:53,707 --> 00:17:55,937
...that wouldn't be love, that would be...
334
00:17:56,210 --> 00:17:59,043
...that would be
some other disposable thing...
335
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,180
...that is not worth fighting for.
336
00:18:03,050 --> 00:18:05,883
But that, that is not what this is.
337
00:18:07,555 --> 00:18:09,182
So please...
338
00:18:09,423 --> 00:18:11,050
...can I have the locket?
339
00:18:16,097 --> 00:18:18,031
Cuckoo.
340
00:18:26,941 --> 00:18:29,774
I think we should get back together.
341
00:18:34,148 --> 00:18:36,776
And new day.
342
00:18:37,485 --> 00:18:38,975
Yep.
343
00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:41,385
New day.
344
00:18:41,589 --> 00:18:44,456
Close your eyes
Give me your hand
345
00:18:44,658 --> 00:18:47,627
Okay, you need to get at least a little sleep.
346
00:18:47,862 --> 00:18:49,454
Do you feel my heart beating?
347
00:18:49,663 --> 00:18:50,755
Come on.
348
00:18:51,232 --> 00:18:56,295
Do you understand?
Do you feel the same...
349
00:18:56,504 --> 00:18:57,994
A few final thoughts.
350
00:18:58,272 --> 00:19:00,297
Don't get married until you're 30.
351
00:19:00,541 --> 00:19:02,600
Play laser tag once a week.
352
00:19:02,843 --> 00:19:05,778
Give at least as many high fives
as you get.
353
00:19:06,347 --> 00:19:08,815
Teacup pigs are lady-magnets...
354
00:19:09,049 --> 00:19:12,109
...but very hard to care for,
not worth the effort.
355
00:19:12,653 --> 00:19:16,749
The same goes for dogs and babies.
356
00:19:17,925 --> 00:19:19,825
And most importantly...
357
00:19:20,060 --> 00:19:22,995
...whatever you do in this life...
358
00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:27,530
...it's not legendary
unless your friends are there to see it.
359
00:19:30,504 --> 00:19:32,165
Good luck, boys.
360
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,965
Take care of the game for me.
361
00:19:36,377 --> 00:19:38,140
We will.
362
00:19:39,713 --> 00:19:41,476
Did you ever get his name?
363
00:19:41,715 --> 00:19:43,148
Nope.
364
00:19:43,384 --> 00:19:45,545
- What did he give you?
- I don't know.
365
00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:48,349
But I think it's important.
366
00:19:48,556 --> 00:19:53,118
I don't wanna lose this feeling
367
00:19:54,328 --> 00:19:55,522
Lily, Lily.
368
00:19:56,664 --> 00:19:58,427
I love you and I'm so sorry.
369
00:19:58,666 --> 00:20:02,466
- Doesn't matter where we live. I just want...
- We're staying in New York.
370
00:20:03,270 --> 00:20:05,636
- What? No.
- Yes.
371
00:20:05,873 --> 00:20:08,433
It just makes sense.
372
00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:12,845
I've missed you so much.
373
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:16,675
Am I only dreaming?
374
00:20:17,418 --> 00:20:19,079
I have to let go now.
375
00:20:20,454 --> 00:20:22,081
I know you do.
376
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:24,689
Eternal flame
377
00:20:24,892 --> 00:20:30,592
Close your eyes
Give me your hand, darling
378
00:20:30,798 --> 00:20:36,668
Do you feel my heart beating
Do you understand?
379
00:20:36,870 --> 00:20:40,328
Do you feel the same?
380
00:20:40,541 --> 00:20:44,944
Am I only dreaming?
381
00:20:45,145 --> 00:20:46,772
Am...
382
00:20:52,886 --> 00:20:55,582
When we went out on our first date...
383
00:20:55,823 --> 00:20:59,350
...at the end of the night,
did you want me to kiss you?
384
00:21:00,027 --> 00:21:01,722
- Yeah, I did.
- Damn it.
385
00:21:05,500 --> 00:21:13,500
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