Original subtitles

- That party was a dud. - I struck out with, like, 20 girls.

And my condom expired.

We are losers.

We've tried everything.

We're covered in Drakkar. I've got fresh new white socks.

And I thought our mime work in there was excellent.

What?

Um, are we in a zombie movie right now?

Boys...

...today is your lucky day.

Because today...

...I'm gonna teach you how to...

...live.

Who's got gum?

Ripped By mstoll

Kids, for a brief period when I was 7, my best friend was a balloon.

It was the classic story.

Boy meets balloon.

Boy and balloon become friends.

Boy loses balloon when mom sets out hot dogs in the backyard.

No!

Decades later, boy's new best friend finds out about the whole thing...

...never lets him live it down.

I hate you so much.

Whole thing taught me a lesson.

If you love something, you can never let it go...

...not even for a second or it's gone forever.

Well, at least, I still got my hotdogs.

No.

It was a lesson that took me nearly 30 years to unlearn.

- Where could Barney be? - Oh, relax, he always finds his way home.

St. Patrick's Day, 2008, he did not find his way home that night.

That dumpster was a block from his apartment, I call that a win.

Also, that isn't the filthiest trash he's ever slept with.

Oh, my future husband, folks.

- Or maybe he bailed on the wedding. - Oh, come on, don't even think like that.

He's terrified of commitment.

Although ironically, loves being tied down.

As the run-offee at my almost-wedding, I can tell you, you're fine.

Barney is no Stella.

Hey, have you talked to her in a while?

- Stella? - Yeah.

The woman who broke my heart and embarrassed me...

...in front of all my friends and loved ones? Uh, ha, no.

That was a lie.

A few days earlier, I had talked to Stella on the phone.

Because, as you may recall, I'm kind of the wedding gift master.

I'm gonna stop you. Do you not hear how weird this all sounds?

- What is weird? - You're going to your ex's wedding.

- Not weird. - You'll be the best man.

- Utterly not weird. - Less than a week before the wedding...

...you're calling the woman who left you at the altar...

...and moved three time zones away, on the razor-thin chance...

...that I ended up with her grandmother's locket?

You know what's weird? Not seeing Star Wars until you're 30.

- You're trying to blow up the wedding. - You called C-3PO the Tin Man.

- He's made of tin. - It's Tatooine scrap metal.

This is not an argument you're gonna win.

- Now, do you have the locket or not? - Look.

I might have it in one of my old boxes in our storage locker...

...but even if I did, I cannot get out there this week, I'm totally swamped.

One ticket to Los Angeles, please.

So the reason someone can't come up to fix the air conditioning...

...is that the ghost of Captain Dearduff, who haunts this room, likes it muggy.

Correct. Although, now that I say it out loud...

...it does sound kind of ridiculous because there's no such thing as ghosts. Right?

You have outflanked me, front desk guy. Victory is yours.

The truth is, there was a ghost in that room.

You see, minutes earlier...

...Marshall had been in the middle of the worst fight of his marriage...

...when all of a sudden, Lily stormed out.

- Dammit Lily, this is so unfair. - I know.

Storming out in the middle of an argument, so childish.

Thank you, Ghost Lily. I'm glad at least you see it that way.

Although, let's be honest, I did you a favor.

- You were gonna lose. - I... What?

I was gonna lose?

Uh, check your spectral scorecard, Ghost Lily.

I had you on ropes. That's why you ran out.

I ran out because you brought up San Francisco.

- It was a valid point. - It's ancient history.

If you're mad at anyone, you're mad at 2006 Lily.

- I can't have an argument with 2006... - Is nice.

Do people still say that?

I'm sorry, how exactly are you gonna teach us how to live?

The journey to awesome starts with a single...

Actually, lots of singles. We're going to a strip club.

Strip club? We're in the middle of nowhere.

There is always a strip club.

Hey, are you worried this guy might kill us?

We just put a down payment on adult bunk beds.

- Would getting killed really be so bad? - Good point. But I got a weird feeling.

I mean there's something off about... Whoa!

Why does this sign say "Gentlemen's Club"?

Because The Crab Shed is a place for gentlemen.

A gentleman tips generously.

A gentleman uses the complimentary bathroom cologne...

...but not too much.

Oh, this is important:

Your instinct may be to avoid the free buffet.

Your instinct is wrong.

Don't sleep on the meatballs, gentlemen.

They are exquisite.

Come on.

I liked Stella.

Even though she broke your heart, I'd still put her in your top five.

Which are?

Number five, Stella.

Number four, Zoey.

- Number three, uh, the Slutty Pumpkin. - Oh.

Number two, Marshall, that time you guys pretended to be a couple...

...when Barney was trying to sell the apartment.

And number one, Victoria.

- You've given this some thought. - We all have.

There's kind of a running e-mail chain about it.

But the pastry chef was the best, no question.

I do miss her sticky buns.

- Euphemism? - Nope.

Can I be honest?

It was kind of crazy how all of a sudden it was just over between you and Victoria.

I mean you guys were seven years in the making.

She left her fianc� for you.

Why would you break up?

What happened?

Ahem. We, um...

We broke up because of you.

Oh, my God, this is amazing.

I ruined my pants but it's totally worth it.

Best meatballs ever.

I'm gonna ask a serious question right now:

Can a person live in a strip club?

Yes.

For the next few years, your strip club will be like home.

Then one day you'll date a stripper...

...and almost marry her, and after that you'll realize...

...you're done with strip clubs.

In the sense that you'll dial it back to once a week.

- I feel I can talk to women now. - You just stick a dollar bill in your mouth...

...the conversation starts itself.

I think we're ready to go back to that party and meet ladies.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.

You are not ready!

Your training is complete when I say your training is complete!

Come on, let's go.

You broke up with Victoria because of me?

She didn't want us to be friends anymore. So I had to let her go.

Ted?

I just...

Wow, I...

- And you haven't talked to her since? - I haven't talked to her since.

Also a lie.

Unbelievable.

I assume this is all in the hopes Robin will ditch her wedding and run off with you?

What? No. I would never...

Never run off with a girl on the day of her wedding? Right...

- Okay, that's a fair point. - I'm not done. Right.

So do you have it?

I'm looking at it right now.

What? Stay there, I'm on my way.

I'm in Germany. Dankesch�n.

- I see. - Look, if it means that much to you...

...as soon as I'm done here, I'll overnight it. It'll be there in 24 hours.

Thank you.

So this bakery, what kind of...

You want me to send you some chocolate truffle Streuselkuchen?

Yes, please. You're the best.

But then, 24 hours later... disaster.

I'm sorry, Mr. Mosby. It says here your package was delivered earlier today.

Your wife signed for it.

My... What? I don't have a wife.

So then who's Jeanette Mosby?

Oh, you're kidding me.

Oh, my gosh, 2013 Me, so many questions.

How many Myspace friends do I have now?

Has James Blunt...

...put out the steady stream of number one hits we all expect from him?

- And why are we in this hotel room? - We're here for Barney's wedding.

Barney's wedding?

Oh, God, what desperate ho-bag is handcuffing herself to that time bomb?

My dad did a real number on me.

Okay, uh, Ghost Lily, Seven-Years-Ago Ghost Lily...

...can we get on with this so I can win the argument?

Move on to my regularly scheduled fantasy of you two making out with each other?

- Sure. - Just so you know, I really like it when...

I know. I'm you.

And I don't like that anymore.

Okay, Seven-Years-Ago Lily...

...maybe I'm wrong for still being mad at you about San Francisco...

...and our break-up.

But the truth is, when you left me, that was the saddest I've ever been in my life.

Really?

- The saddest you've ever been? - The saddest I've ever been.

I mean, I am sitting right here.

Dad, obviously losing you was way worse, but I'm trying to make a bigger point here.

And what point is that?

Because she hurt you once, you now get to hurt her?

That's not how it works in a marriage.

Oooh.

You're totally gonna lose.

- I can't believe you're open. - I'm always open for friends.

What are we doing here? We should go back to the party.

In relaxed-fit domestic denim?

I'm sorry, is this a costume party and you're going as 1994?

Would you be a peach and bump this, please?

Who cares? They're just clothes.

"Just clothes?"

Ted... Sorry, force of habit.

Boys, suits are cool. Exhibit A.

I don't care how well dressed I am. The challenge is walking up to a girl...

...and somehow talking to her. With words, from my mouth.

I've looked at it from every angle. There's no way to do it.

- What's your name? - Justin.

- Have you met Justin? - Uh, no.

Hi, I'm Julie.

So simple. So elegant.

That's it? You just walk up to someone and introduce them to your buddy?

- That sounds kind of... - Have you met Kyle?

Hi, Kyle.

Are you Jesus?

I would have understood, you know.

If you told me that we couldn't be friends anymore...

...I wouldn't have liked it, but I would have understood.

- I could never do that. - Why not?

Ted. I insist that you tell me why not.

- No way. - Answer the question.

- It's for the bride. - I'm not gonna answer the question...

...because you know the answer.

You wanna talk about my top five? There's no top five, Robin.

There's just a top one, and it's you.

And I'm only saying it because I know that it's not gonna change anything.

You and Barney are getting married today.

If I have to hold the shotgun, it's happening.

- I thought you don't like guns. - I'm the Best Man.

I swore on the Bro Code.

I don't wanna go to Bro Hell.

Bro Hell sounds bad.

I'm sure Barney's got a whole thing about Bro Hell.

But...

...what about when we get back from our honeymoon?

What about our first night out at the bar? What then?

Is it gonna be weird?

No.

- How can you be so sure? - Because I'm not gonna be there.

I'm moving to Chicago.

- You're moving to Chicago? - I'm gonna work for Hammond Druthers.

- The penis building guy? - They're not all penis buildings.

He designed this clamshell amphitheater for the St. Louis Symphony.

That one doesn't look like a penis, anyway.

I can't believe you're leaving New York.

- Is this because of me? - No, it's not because of you.

Maybe at first it was, but...

It's been a really long week.

Some stuff has happened...

...and it's just made me feel like it's time to move on.

Yes, good things happened to me in New York...

...but bad things happened too.

Like your top five worst relationships?

Okay, come on.

Let me hear it.

- Number five, Blah Blah. - Mm-hm.

Number four, Boats Boats Boats.

- Number three, Karen. - Hmm.

Number two, uh, Zoey. She made both lists.

And number one, by a landslide, Jeanette.

Jeanette. Of course.

- Have you talked to Jeanette? - No...

Liar.

I was at your apartment stealing your mail...

...and apparently, there's some chick named Victoria...

...sending you jewelry from Germany.

Somebody owes somebody an explanation.

Jeanette, that locket is a wedding gift for Robin.

Robin? Oh, God, this again?

That I'm giving to her as a friend because I'm the wedding gift master...

...now bring it back to me right now. - Fine.

Meet me at the Bow Bridge in Central Park in one hour.

And by the way, I want Kenny back.

- Who's Kenny? - My pet tarantula.

By the way, I love your hair.

- I love your hair. - Imaginary women, right?

Okay, I need everyone to just be quiet, please.

Look, I know that I could have handled all of this better.

Setting aside the fact that our friends are here and we don't speak Italian...

...if we stay in New York, we both get to follow our dreams.

Are we gonna go someplace where only one of us gets to do that?

- Of course not. - Well, then, how can you...

Wait, what?

We're not moving to Italy.

We have a baby. It makes sense to stay here. Even I know that.

You do?

So...

...I win?

Well then, ho, hey, ho...

...in your ethereal face, Ghost Lily.

Oh, yeah, the convincer right here.

- She thought I was gonna lose. - You are gonna lose.

You're gonna lose this.

If you keep lying to me.

If you keep cutting me out of decisions.

If you keep using words like winning and losing when you talk about our marriage.

It's not like it'll happen all at once...

...but if you keep acting this way...

...little by little...

...you're gonna lose me.

Is that what you want?

No, of course not. You're not my enemy. You're my wife.

My wife. Right?

No, sorry.

We should probably head back.

Do you want to watch the sun come up?

Sure.

Thanks for meeting me here. I'm heading to the East Side to stuff...

...a dead squirrel into a different ex-boyfriend's mailbox.

You know, this made sense.

Of course.

So can I have the locket?

- No. - What...? Jeanette.

Ted, listen to me. You're being crazy.

I'm being crazy?

Yes. How long have you been hung up on Robin?

Eight years?

You're killing yourself to fetch little trinkets for her? That's crazy.

More than crazy. I don't think there's a word for that.

Actually there is a word for that. It's love.

I'm in love with her. Okay?

If you're looking for the word that means caring about someone beyond rationality...

...and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you...

...it's love.

And when you love someone you don't stop. Ever.

Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy, even then, especially then...

...you just... You don't give up. Because if I could give up?

If I could just take the whole world's advice and move on and find someone else...

...that wouldn't be love, that would be...

...that would be some other disposable thing...

...that is not worth fighting for.

But that, that is not what this is.

So please...

...can I have the locket?

Cuckoo.

I think we should get back together.

And new day.

Yep.

New day.

Close your eyes Give me your hand

Okay, you need to get at least a little sleep.

Do you feel my heart beating?

Come on.

Do you understand? Do you feel the same...

A few final thoughts.

Don't get married until you're 30.

Play laser tag once a week.

Give at least as many high fives as you get.

Teacup pigs are lady-magnets...

...but very hard to care for, not worth the effort.

The same goes for dogs and babies.

And most importantly...

...whatever you do in this life...

...it's not legendary unless your friends are there to see it.

Good luck, boys.

Take care of the game for me.

We will.

Did you ever get his name?

Nope.

- What did he give you? - I don't know.

But I think it's important.

I don't wanna lose this feeling

Lily, Lily.

I love you and I'm so sorry.

- Doesn't matter where we live. I just want... - We're staying in New York.

- What? No. - Yes.

It just makes sense.

I've missed you so much.

Am I only dreaming?

I have to let go now.

I know you do.

Eternal flame

Close your eyes Give me your hand, darling

Do you feel my heart beating Do you understand?

Do you feel the same?

Am I only dreaming?

Am...

When we went out on our first date...

...at the end of the night, did you want me to kiss you?

- Yeah, I did. - Damn it.

Ripped By mstoll