Original subtitles

- You're my best friend, Barney. - Good.

As your best friend, I suggest we play a game I call Have You Met Ted?

What? Oh, my God, I'm so stupid.

Stay there. I'm on my way.

Say man, don't walk ahead of that woman Like she don't belong to you

Just 'cause her got them little skinny legs

You know that ain't no way to do

You didn't act like that when you had it home Behind closed doors, all right

Now you act like you're ashamed of a woman

Don't even want nobody to know she's yours

That's all right, you just walk on baby

And don't you worry about A doggone thing at all

Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

There's some man, somewhere Who'll take you baby, skinny legs and all

I am so, so sorry. I went to the one on the West Side.

I was beginning to think you'd forgotten about me.

Ripped By mstoll

The night Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall got engaged...

...the night I met Aunt Robin, was the night of your mom's 21st birthday.

- Happy birthday. Where's Max? - He couldn't get a cab.

Which is code for "waited until the last minute to get me a gift."

Although he always nails it.

Two years ago, he got me an exact replica of the Pee-wee's Big Adventure bike.

And last year, he got me a one-man-band suit...

...including knee cymbals.

And these are things you want?

- No, these are things I need. - Ha, ha.

- Oh, that's Max. I gotta take this. - Okay.

Okay, you're officially super late now.

Yes, this is she.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

You've been sitting around for two years. It's time to get back out there.

I have not been sitting around. I've been hard at work.

I think I'm about to enter my robots-doing-track-and-field-events period.

It's a very exciting time.

Sweetie, I love you, and I can't imagine what it was like...

...going through what you went through, but these are your 20s.

It's Saint Patrick's Day, the holiday of my people.

- You're not Irish. - Binge drinkers.

- Now, let's go. - No, please don't make me go out there.

- It's gonna rain. - Bring your umbrella.

How is the bathroom line this long, and yet the floor is covered with urine?

If there's urine out here, what is going on in there?

- Screw this, we're holding it. Let's dance. - No, thanks.

This is what I'm talking about.

The love of your life could be on that dance floor waiting for you to bump into him.

If you're not there, he's gonna bump into someone else.

Somehow I doubt it.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Oh, that's okay.

- I'm going in. - Wait, is that?

- Mitch. - No way.

- Hi. - What are you doing in New York?

- I live here. This is my friend Kelly. - What?

- Hi. - Mitch was my instructor at orchestra camp.

- Orchestra camp? - Mm-hm.

It's not as lame as it sounds. We also did physics. So...

- What are you up to these days? - Still teaching orchestra.

I'm at this public school in the Bronx. It's totally underfunded.

- A lot of the kids can't afford instruments... - Take my cello.

- What? - Yeah, you gotta take it.

I haven't played it in years. It's sitting in my closet.

- Give it to the kids. - Are you sure?

- Do you wanna come and get it right now? - Um, okay.

- Okay, great. Let's go. - Ha-ha-ha.

Okay, yes, you're doing something nice, but you're still bailing on me.

- So I guess karmically, it evens out? - I'm just worried about you.

Don't be. Have fun.

And who knows? Maybe you'll bump into someone tonight.

Oof.

Girl, I will "shamrock" your world.

I'll... We'll... Okay.

Okay, here it is.

I haven't played this since the popular girls locked me inside the case.

Although it was roomier than when I played the violin.

- What are you doing? - I don't know. What am I doing?

- What are you doing? - This is my thing.

It certainly is. Please cover your thing up.

Sorry. I meant this move, it's my thing. I call it "The Naked Man."

A few weeks ago, I was on a date, and it worked.

Then another date, it worked again, so I figured it would work all the time.

- Now you know it doesn't work all the time. - Yeah.

Although two out of three.

Is this what it's gonna be like being single in New York?

Even the nice guys turn out to be total creeps?

I have gotten pretty creepy since I moved here.

I feel so lost right now.

I don't even know what I'm doing with my life.

- Can I tell you an embarrassing story? - Is it this one taking place right now?

I felt lost for a long time too.

I was living in my parents' basement...

...playing video games, mastur... ing those games.

Until I finally woke up and realized I wanted to follow my dream of teaching music.

Let me save you a few years.

Even if it sounds completely crazy, what is it you wanna do with your life?

I want to end poverty.

Great. Then every decision you make from here on out...

...should be in service of that.

Oh. Thanks.

You know, for a minute there, I totally forgot you were naked.

In a way, aren't we all naked?

Yeah, but your balls are on my couch.

- Hug? - I will take a rain check.

- It's raining now. - Oh, my umbrella.

I will be right back. Long story.

- Nothing happened, I swear. - Then why are you naked?

Oh, what the hell?

When I got to the club, it had already closed.

By the next day, some super-inconsiderate person had taken my umbrella.

But by that point, I didn't care.

I knew if I really wanted to end poverty...

...I had to get a degree in economics.

So to answer your question, that's how I got here.

I meant how did you get here from the subway station.

- Oh. - I'm asking because I just moved to town.

I don't even have a place to live yet.

Yeah, you do.

Come live with me. My roommate just moved out.

Are you sure? You just met me. I could be a serial killer.

I like to believe in people.

Plus, what are the chances that we're both serial killers?

Promise me there won't be naked men in the living room.

Not a problem.

I'm on permanent hiatus in the love department.

- Really? I find that hard to believe. - I guess I'm old-fashioned.

I believe that each of us only gets one. And I got mine already.

Well, if you ask me, you know what comes after the one?

- The next one. - Oh, yeah.

Well, I don't really see that happening any time soon.

Hi. Is this Room 7?

And so if you must bring food to this class, please bring enough for everyone.

I don't wanna see someone eating, say, lobster in the front row...

...without sharing with the rest of us...

...because that would be "shellfish."

Come on, that was funny.

- Anyway, this is Architecture 101. - Architecture 101?

I'm in the wrong class. I have to go.

I'm sorry.

Oh.

Wait, I was in the right class.

First day as a professor, wrong classroom. Coming through.

You play bass? Seriously, ask my friends.

I always say my ideal woman does not play bass...

...because this is clearly your roommate's.

- She's in a band. - Damn, that's cool.

This is unbelievable.

You just picked out the only three things in here that are my roommate's.

- Does your roommate's band ever play...? - Get out.

Okay, this is crazy.

Do you know where this umbrella came from? Because I could've sworn I...

- What's wrong? Are you okay? - We broke up.

Ugh. Well, I never liked him, and I never thought he deserved you...

...and I am sorry. I didn't know you were dating someone.

Who was this?

He was the architecture professor, the one who taught Econ 305 by accident.

Oh. That guy?

- Why did you break up? - He's got a thing for you.

What? What? He's... What?

How could he have a thing for me? He's never even met me.

He didn't have to.

Everything he saw of yours, he went crazy for.

You should have brought him to my room.

He would've run screaming once he saw my calligraphy set, my coin collection...

...my chain-mail corset from the Renaissance fair.

Well, that's pretty cool.

Come on, how could he not be in love with you?

The way you fall asleep on the couch doing the crossword.

- When did he see me fall asleep...? - The way your hair smells.

The way your eyes sparkle...

- I might have some stuff to figure out. - You might.

- I'm so sorry. - No, uh, it's okay.

It was nice.

I haven't been kissed in a really long time.

Not long after that, she met a nice girl, and they fell in love, so it's a happy ending.

For Cindy, anyway.

I, however, am left without a roommate. So here we are.

Ha.

I have a confession. Uh...

I don't need a place to live.

I saw your ad for the roommate, and I just really wanted to meet you.

I'm a huge fan of your band, Super Freakonomics.

Oh, my gosh. Really?

Really. I come to all your shows. And I'm not just saying this:

I think you guys are the best economic-themed band in the entire city.

Even better than Radio-Hedge Fund?

Oh, absolutely. I wish I had the guts to do what you do.

I love to sing, but...

You know what?

Next time we do a show, you have got to come up on stage with us and sing a song.

Oh, no, I couldn't.

No, I'm too shy.

But maybe just one song.

I don't like to think of Super Freakonomics as my band.

I think of it as my canvas, upon which I paint my masterpieces.

And that right there is why I don't play bass. Ha-ha-ha.

Can I help you with that?

Uh... Wow.

- Thanks, Superman. - No problem.

It was either help you or stop a train going off a cliff.

- And you're much cuter. - Ha, ha.

Can I buy you a drink?

Oh, no, sorry, I'm 16.

Oh. Wow.

Sorry. Have a good night.

Wait, you believed that? I like you.

Sure, you can buy me a drink.

MacLaren's. The last time I was here, I thought this place was called Puzzles.

That's an odd name. Why would you call a bar Puzzles?

Unless that's the puzzle.

Well, um, thank you for the drink.

So do you wanna get dinner sometime?

Um...

Louis, you're really nice, but I was in love with somebody...

...a long time ago, and he died.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - No, I'm sorry. Um...

It's silly, but it's like the first lottery ticket I ever bought...

...was, kaboom, jackpot.

And I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna win again.

Not like that, anyway.

So I don't generally buy lottery tickets anymore.

I understand.

So I should go.

Well, if you change your mind, give me a call.

Okay. Now we're even.

- So we got dinner. - And?

- He's nice. - Nice? He sounds amazing.

Handsome, good dresser, paid for dinner. What more do you want?

Do you know how rough it is out there?

I once met a guy claiming to be a genie whose penis grants wishes.

Oh, my God. Who would even fall for that?

The point is, Louis sounds great.

And that's how your mom started dating Louis.

And for a little while there, it was fine.

One tasty English muffin

Baby, that is what I am Ba-da, da-da-da, da-da

One tasty English muffin

With some raspberry jam

That's funny.

It just wasn't love.

But then fate intervened.

You guys wouldn't, uh, happen to know of any wedding bands...

...available at the last minute, would you?

Hi. One ticket to Farhampton, please.

Louis had a house in Farhampton, so he let your mother stay there.

The day before the wedding, as she was taking cookies out of the oven...

...she got an e-mail.

What the damn hell?

"Bass player wanted."

That is what the ad said. Can you believe that?

After I'm the one who invited Darren into the band.

What am I gonna do?

You need to steal this douche-monkey's van...

...and then run my husband over with it.

While that's very tempting, I've never been the type of person to...

"Must be hotter than the girl we have now, who in my opinion is a 6 at best."

Jeez, what is this knucklehead doing?

Excuse me. Hey. You guys need a lift?

The best man just punched me in the face for no reason. You know what? I quit.

You can have your stupid band back.

Linus, whoever that best man is...

...I would like to buy him a double of your finest Scotch.

Louis.

Will you marry me?

Can you give me a minute?

Um...

- Okay. - There's someone that I need to talk to.

I'll be right back.

Hi, Max. It's me.

Sorry to interrupt.

I know you're probably up there playing baseball with your dad.

Um...

Look, I've got a situation here.

I think that I have been holding myself back from falling in love again.

And I think it's because I can't let you go.

But you're not here anymore...

...so I have to ask this.

Would it be okay if I moved on?

I realize that you have no way of answering that, but...

Okay. I will take that as a yes.

In that case, I should get back in there.

I guess this is it.

For real this time.

Bye, Max.

So?

My answer is...

...no.

You're in luck. Mother of the bride never checked in.

- How many keys will you need? - Just one.

I just... I broke up with someone.

- I think Room number 6 is the room for you. - Thank you.

Hold me close and hold me fast This magic spell you cast

This is la vie en rose

When you kiss me heaven sighs

And though I close my eyes

I see la vie en rose

When you press me to your heart

I'm in a world apart

A world where roses bloom

And when you speak, angels sing from above

Everyday words seem to turn into love songs

Give your heart and soul to me

And life will always be

La vie en rose

Kids, I must have heard your mom's rendition of "La Vie en Rose"...

...a million times over the years.

Every night when she tucked you in, for instance.

But that performance, that first night I ever heard her sing...

...that one will always be my favorite.

Barney, I was just out there on the patio.

And there's someone in the room next to us. I didn't see her...

...but she was playing the ukulele.

Barney?

Ripped By mstoll