All language subtitles for How_I_Met_Your_Mother_S09E15_kissTVSeries.com
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Ewe
Faroese
Filipino
Finnish
French
Frisian
Ga
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hindi
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Igbo
Indonesian
Interlingua
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Javanese
Kannada
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kurdish (Soranî)
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lingala
Lithuanian
Lozi
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Malayalam
Maltese
Maori
Marathi
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Nigerian Pidgin
Northern Sotho
Norwegian
Norwegian (Nynorsk)
Occitan
Oriya
Oromo
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Punjabi
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Runyakitara
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Serbo-Croatian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Spanish (Latin American)
Sundanese
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Tamil
Tatar
Telugu
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Tshiluba
Tumbuka
Turkish
Turkmen
Twi
Uighur
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof
Xhosa
Yiddish
Yoruba
Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,893
(exhales)
2
00:00:00,924 --> 00:00:01,994
(exhales)
3
00:00:02,025 --> 00:00:04,125
Labor sucks, huh?
Yeah.
4
00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:05,560
That fun-sounding name?
5
00:00:05,594 --> 00:00:07,264
It's totally misleading.
6
00:00:07,296 --> 00:00:08,296
(chuckles)
7
00:00:08,331 --> 00:00:09,401
Better have this baby soon.
8
00:00:09,432 --> 00:00:11,272
You know my
mom's rule:
9
00:00:11,300 --> 00:00:13,440
Nothing good happens
after 2:00 a.m.
10
00:00:13,469 --> 00:00:14,769
I don't buy it.
11
00:00:14,804 --> 00:00:17,014
Just like I don't buy
what her son told me:
12
00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:18,670
"Let's go away
for one last weekend
13
00:00:18,707 --> 00:00:20,007
"before the baby comes.
14
00:00:20,043 --> 00:00:21,613
We'll be fine!"
15
00:00:21,644 --> 00:00:23,584
Well, I hate
to point fingers,
16
00:00:23,612 --> 00:00:25,682
but you should
never listen to me.
17
00:00:25,714 --> 00:00:26,824
You know that.
18
00:00:26,850 --> 00:00:28,280
That's my bad.
19
00:00:30,053 --> 00:00:31,323
Oh!
20
00:00:31,354 --> 00:00:32,794
Here comes
another one.
Already?
21
00:00:32,822 --> 00:00:34,192
Yeah, yep, yep.
Okay, okay, okay.
22
00:00:34,223 --> 00:00:35,763
We should get you to
the hospital. Come on.
23
00:00:35,791 --> 00:00:37,131
THE MOTHER:
Okay.
24
00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:39,230
TED:
Oh, here we go.
25
00:00:44,367 --> 00:00:46,667
You guys can't still see where
Marshall slapped me, can you?
26
00:00:46,702 --> 00:00:49,442
Your face looks like
a "don't walk" signal.
27
00:00:49,472 --> 00:00:50,672
Your face looks like
a photo negative
28
00:00:50,706 --> 00:00:52,036
of the Hamburger Helper box.
29
00:00:52,075 --> 00:00:53,605
A palm reader could
tell Marshall's future
30
00:00:53,642 --> 00:00:55,482
by studying your face.
31
00:00:55,511 --> 00:00:57,851
The phrase "talk to the hand
'cause the face ain't listening"
32
00:00:57,881 --> 00:00:58,981
doesn't work for you
33
00:00:59,015 --> 00:01:00,875
because the hand
is on your face.
34
00:01:00,917 --> 00:01:03,647
A simple "yes"
would've sufficed.
35
00:01:04,387 --> 00:01:05,717
LILY:
Oh, baby,
36
00:01:05,754 --> 00:01:07,364
I missed you so much.
37
00:01:07,390 --> 00:01:08,960
I am so angry!
38
00:01:08,992 --> 00:01:11,692
I am gonna tear you
apart tonight.
39
00:01:11,727 --> 00:01:12,957
I am gonna
tear you
40
00:01:12,996 --> 00:01:14,356
apart tonight!
Okay, okay.
41
00:01:14,397 --> 00:01:16,027
Look, we said
that we wouldn't fight
42
00:01:16,065 --> 00:01:18,725
until the gang was all done
hanging out, remember?
43
00:01:18,767 --> 00:01:20,967
NARRATOR:
Ever since Lily
heard that Marshall
44
00:01:21,004 --> 00:01:22,674
had accepted an offer
to be a judge,
45
00:01:22,705 --> 00:01:25,065
thus jeopardizing
their planned year in Italy,
46
00:01:25,108 --> 00:01:26,978
they both knew
a big fight was coming.
47
00:01:27,010 --> 00:01:29,210
But when they finally
saw each other...
48
00:01:29,245 --> 00:01:31,045
Pause?
49
00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:32,820
Pause.
50
00:01:32,848 --> 00:01:34,848
NARRATOR:
See, Lily and Marshall
had a long tradition
51
00:01:34,884 --> 00:01:36,894
of hitting "pause"
on their arguments.
52
00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:38,820
Sometimes they paused because
53
00:01:38,854 --> 00:01:40,894
they suddenly had
other things to do.
54
00:01:40,924 --> 00:01:43,064
We have to stick
to our budget! Okay?
55
00:01:43,092 --> 00:01:45,032
You cannot be out there
buying all these
56
00:01:45,061 --> 00:01:48,561
Brazilian bikini waxes
and Kama Sutra body oils
57
00:01:48,597 --> 00:01:50,267
and edible...
Pause.
58
00:01:51,901 --> 00:01:53,671
NARRATOR:
Sometimes, they paused
to keep their fights
59
00:01:53,702 --> 00:01:55,202
from subtly changing subjects.
60
00:01:55,238 --> 00:01:56,668
Baby, I cannot
put up with
61
00:01:56,705 --> 00:01:58,865
your shoes being
all over the house!
62
00:01:58,908 --> 00:02:00,938
Why not? I put up with
your terrible mother.
63
00:02:00,977 --> 00:02:01,907
(gasps)
64
00:02:01,945 --> 00:02:03,405
Pause!
Pause.
65
00:02:03,446 --> 00:02:04,946
NARRATOR:
And now that they were paused,
66
00:02:04,981 --> 00:02:06,881
Marshall realized
he would do anything
67
00:02:06,916 --> 00:02:09,046
to stay paused
for as long as he could.
68
00:02:09,085 --> 00:02:10,745
Okay, time
to go to bed.
69
00:02:10,786 --> 00:02:12,016
Big day tomorrow.
70
00:02:12,055 --> 00:02:13,115
Big day tomorrow!
Big day tomorrow!
71
00:02:13,156 --> 00:02:13,956
MARSHALL:
Screw tomorrow!
72
00:02:13,990 --> 00:02:15,190
We go big tonight, huh?
73
00:02:15,224 --> 00:02:17,964
We go big tonight!
We go big tonight!
74
00:02:17,994 --> 00:02:19,564
(laughing)
MARSHALL:
I mean, uh...
75
00:02:19,595 --> 00:02:20,795
come on, you know, uh,
76
00:02:20,829 --> 00:02:23,069
what time
is it, anyway?
77
00:02:39,748 --> 00:02:41,648
Hey, where's
the baby?
78
00:02:43,319 --> 00:02:44,989
The elevator!
The elevator!
79
00:02:45,021 --> 00:02:46,291
(laughs)
80
00:02:46,322 --> 00:02:47,762
Ah, that joke just
never gets old.
81
00:02:47,790 --> 00:02:50,060
And it's not at all inspired
by real-life events.
82
00:02:50,093 --> 00:02:51,893
No, it is not.
Mm-mm.
83
00:02:51,927 --> 00:02:54,057
Anyway, the sitter has
Marvin for the night.
84
00:02:54,097 --> 00:02:55,157
Ooh!
85
00:02:55,198 --> 00:02:57,328
And now...
the best thing
86
00:02:57,366 --> 00:02:59,066
to come out of my
cross-country trip:
87
00:02:59,102 --> 00:03:00,902
a little segment I like to call
88
00:03:00,936 --> 00:03:04,636
"Embarrassing Souvenirs I Picked
Up From Ted's Childhood Home."
89
00:03:04,673 --> 00:03:05,913
(Robin giggles)
90
00:03:05,941 --> 00:03:07,011
(Barney laughs)
91
00:03:07,043 --> 00:03:10,353
"Totally
Awesome Ted."
92
00:03:10,379 --> 00:03:12,319
What, did you steal this off
some other kid named Ted?
93
00:03:12,348 --> 00:03:13,748
I'm just getting
warmed up here.
94
00:03:13,782 --> 00:03:15,082
(laughing):
This is fun.
95
00:03:15,118 --> 00:03:16,988
We're all...
you know, it's...
96
00:03:17,020 --> 00:03:18,620
I'm having fun.
(Marshall chuckles)
97
00:03:18,654 --> 00:03:20,994
When you squeeze this toy,
a recording of Ted says,
98
00:03:21,024 --> 00:03:23,194
"I wuv you, Mommy!"
99
00:03:23,226 --> 00:03:24,456
Oh, but
that's sweet!
100
00:03:24,493 --> 00:03:26,303
Why would we make
fun of him for that?
101
00:03:26,329 --> 00:03:28,029
He gave it to her
when he was 19.
102
00:03:28,064 --> 00:03:29,534
TED (recorded):
I wuv you, Mommy.
103
00:03:29,565 --> 00:03:31,865
(laughing)
104
00:03:31,900 --> 00:03:35,100
And lastly, a photo
of young Ted
105
00:03:35,138 --> 00:03:38,038
and his best friend
dressed up like cowboys.
106
00:03:38,074 --> 00:03:39,044
No, oh, all right.
107
00:03:39,075 --> 00:03:40,375
Leave him alone.
108
00:03:40,409 --> 00:03:41,879
His best friend
was a balloon.
109
00:03:41,910 --> 00:03:43,010
ROBIN:
I want to see that picture
110
00:03:43,046 --> 00:03:44,006
more than I want
to get married!
111
00:03:45,081 --> 00:03:46,551
(laughing)
112
00:03:46,582 --> 00:03:47,822
I hate you so much.
113
00:03:49,052 --> 00:03:51,692
(deep voice):
Oo yah maya stupa koon!
114
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,720
Ho ho ho ho!
115
00:03:53,756 --> 00:03:55,386
NARRATOR:
Over the years, we'd seen
116
00:03:55,424 --> 00:03:57,564
all sorts of levels
of Barney's drunkenness.
117
00:03:57,593 --> 00:03:58,993
How you doin'?
118
00:03:59,028 --> 00:04:00,298
NARRATOR:
"Richard Dawson drunk..."
119
00:04:00,329 --> 00:04:01,999
Ah, is this
your sister?
120
00:04:03,532 --> 00:04:04,972
NARRATOR:
"Big plans with strangers
drunk..."
121
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:05,970
Hey!
122
00:04:06,001 --> 00:04:07,541
Me and the Road Dawgs
123
00:04:07,570 --> 00:04:10,240
going splitsies on a time-share
in Flint, Michigan!
124
00:04:10,273 --> 00:04:12,243
And...
125
00:04:12,275 --> 00:04:14,375
non-refundably booked!
126
00:04:14,410 --> 00:04:17,050
Come on! I'm gonna buy
you all some mopeds!
127
00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:18,480
Road Dawgs!
128
00:04:18,514 --> 00:04:20,424
NARRATOR:
And "Marcel Marceau drunk..."
129
00:04:22,385 --> 00:04:24,585
But we knew the night was over
whenever Barney got...
130
00:04:24,620 --> 00:04:25,590
"Jabba drunk."
131
00:04:25,621 --> 00:04:27,761
So drunk that his speech
132
00:04:27,790 --> 00:04:29,560
bore an uncanny
resemblance to that of...
133
00:04:29,592 --> 00:04:32,762
Jabba the Hutt from
Return of the Jedi.
134
00:04:32,795 --> 00:04:33,925
Bo shuda!
135
00:04:33,962 --> 00:04:35,002
Ha ha ha!
136
00:04:35,030 --> 00:04:36,930
Okay, we have to go to bed.
137
00:04:36,965 --> 00:04:38,195
Big day tomorrow.
138
00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:39,344
Big day tomorrow!
Noon-eeg Han Solo!
139
00:04:39,368 --> 00:04:40,338
MARSHALL:
Screw tomorrow!
140
00:04:40,369 --> 00:04:41,999
Let's go big tonight!
141
00:04:42,037 --> 00:04:43,937
We go big
tonight!
Ah wotto potto tapa ho!
142
00:04:43,972 --> 00:04:46,282
No, Marshall, let's go now.
143
00:04:47,210 --> 00:04:48,340
Okay, okay,
okay, okay.
144
00:04:48,377 --> 00:04:50,077
Look, I-I guess we
have to do this.
145
00:04:50,113 --> 00:04:52,953
Okay, first off, I know how
important Italy was to you...
146
00:04:52,981 --> 00:04:54,951
Shut up and do me!
147
00:04:56,719 --> 00:04:59,119
Okay, we have
to go to bed.
148
00:04:59,155 --> 00:05:00,255
Yeah.
149
00:05:01,624 --> 00:05:03,234
Yeah.
I need to get
150
00:05:03,259 --> 00:05:05,259
my ear hair trimmed
in the morning.
151
00:05:05,294 --> 00:05:07,264
It's like a rain forest
in there.
152
00:05:07,296 --> 00:05:09,966
Uh, why would you volunteer
that information?
153
00:05:09,998 --> 00:05:11,398
Because it's the truth.
154
00:05:11,434 --> 00:05:14,974
Also, I peed a little
on my tie at the urinal.
155
00:05:15,003 --> 00:05:18,813
Uh, Barney...
who's taller: me or you?
156
00:05:18,841 --> 00:05:21,111
You're taller.
I wear lifts in all my shoes.
157
00:05:21,144 --> 00:05:22,484
Oh, my God, Robin...
158
00:05:22,511 --> 00:05:24,781
Barney has reached
a whole new level.
159
00:05:24,813 --> 00:05:26,953
He's "truth serum drunk."
160
00:05:26,982 --> 00:05:28,552
He can't lie.
161
00:05:28,584 --> 00:05:30,294
So we can finally
get the answers
162
00:05:30,319 --> 00:05:31,989
we've always
been wondering about.
163
00:05:32,020 --> 00:05:33,390
Look, I know you said
you had to go to bed,
164
00:05:33,422 --> 00:05:34,422
but I really think...
165
00:05:34,457 --> 00:05:35,887
Screw tomorrow!
166
00:05:35,924 --> 00:05:37,064
We go big tonight.
167
00:05:37,092 --> 00:05:38,662
Yeah.
168
00:05:38,694 --> 00:05:41,064
Hey, buddy.
Hey, buddy.
169
00:05:41,096 --> 00:05:42,996
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
170
00:05:43,031 --> 00:05:43,971
We're not unpaused?
171
00:05:43,999 --> 00:05:45,069
Not yet.
172
00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:46,340
Mama needs some Papa.
173
00:05:46,369 --> 00:05:47,799
But as soon as we're
done having sex,
174
00:05:47,836 --> 00:05:48,796
we are having that fight!
175
00:05:48,837 --> 00:05:50,607
Wait, so we're...
176
00:05:50,639 --> 00:05:52,779
not gonna fight
177
00:05:52,808 --> 00:05:55,808
until after we're
done having sex.
178
00:05:55,844 --> 00:05:58,014
Challenge accepted.
179
00:06:03,152 --> 00:06:04,492
Um, so... just,
just to be clear,
180
00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:06,020
after we finish
having sex,
181
00:06:06,054 --> 00:06:07,664
that's when we'll
have our fight?
182
00:06:07,690 --> 00:06:08,690
That's right.
183
00:06:08,724 --> 00:06:10,864
Excuse me.
184
00:06:17,065 --> 00:06:19,125
Okay, Marshall.
185
00:06:19,168 --> 00:06:20,468
It's go time.
186
00:06:20,503 --> 00:06:22,513
You've had great nights
of sex before,
187
00:06:22,538 --> 00:06:24,138
most of them with Lily,
188
00:06:24,173 --> 00:06:25,773
a few by yourself--
189
00:06:25,808 --> 00:06:27,538
and we'll always have that
190
00:06:27,576 --> 00:06:29,876
Unscrambled Spice Channel
Glitch of '93--
191
00:06:29,912 --> 00:06:32,622
but this has got to be
the performance of a lifetime.
192
00:06:32,648 --> 00:06:34,448
Jimi Hendrix at Monterey.
193
00:06:34,483 --> 00:06:36,623
James Brown at the Apollo.
194
00:06:36,652 --> 00:06:38,792
Your law school funk band
pretty much anywhere.
195
00:06:38,821 --> 00:06:40,621
So get out there
196
00:06:40,656 --> 00:06:44,026
and bang your wife for
as long as you possibly can!
197
00:06:46,161 --> 00:06:49,401
Not a good sign that
I'm already out of breath.
198
00:06:51,934 --> 00:06:54,744
So... Barney will answer
199
00:06:54,770 --> 00:06:57,740
any question we ask him
with the truth?
200
00:06:57,773 --> 00:06:59,073
I think so.
201
00:06:59,107 --> 00:07:01,137
Honey...
202
00:07:01,176 --> 00:07:04,676
when that Bryan Adams song
came on the radio,
203
00:07:04,713 --> 00:07:06,853
did two mosquitoes
really fly into your eyes
204
00:07:06,882 --> 00:07:07,882
at the same time?
205
00:07:07,916 --> 00:07:09,416
No.
206
00:07:09,452 --> 00:07:11,522
I got all choked up
thinking about how
207
00:07:11,554 --> 00:07:14,694
everything he does,
he does it for her.
208
00:07:14,723 --> 00:07:16,163
Checks out.
209
00:07:16,191 --> 00:07:17,261
Okay, what next?
210
00:07:17,293 --> 00:07:18,533
I mean, it's...
211
00:07:18,561 --> 00:07:19,901
it's so hard to know
where to begin.
212
00:07:19,928 --> 00:07:20,928
I mean, there are so many...
213
00:07:20,963 --> 00:07:22,433
What did you do to my mom?!
214
00:07:23,532 --> 00:07:25,032
BARNEY:
Well, that night,
215
00:07:25,067 --> 00:07:26,767
we were in my car...
216
00:07:26,802 --> 00:07:28,202
I was wrong!
I can't handle this!
217
00:07:28,237 --> 00:07:30,207
Uh, just tell me
in baseball terms.
218
00:07:30,239 --> 00:07:32,439
I got thrown out
trying to stretch
219
00:07:32,475 --> 00:07:33,775
a single into a double.
220
00:07:33,809 --> 00:07:34,939
(gasps)
221
00:07:37,380 --> 00:07:38,650
I can live with that.
222
00:07:39,948 --> 00:07:41,948
How about that time
you walked into the bar
223
00:07:41,984 --> 00:07:43,894
wearing "Triple-X-Ray Goggles"?
224
00:07:45,621 --> 00:07:48,261
Well, hello,
you two lovely ladies.
225
00:07:48,291 --> 00:07:49,531
What are you wearing?
226
00:07:49,558 --> 00:07:51,058
Oh, hey, Robin,
didn't see you there.
227
00:07:51,093 --> 00:07:53,763
Just Triple-X-Ray Goggles,
no big deal.
Oh...
228
00:07:53,796 --> 00:07:55,956
There is no way
those things work.
229
00:07:55,998 --> 00:07:57,728
I'm not even here.
230
00:07:57,766 --> 00:07:59,596
Just act natural.
231
00:08:02,971 --> 00:08:04,271
Right.
232
00:08:04,307 --> 00:08:06,577
'Cause that jacket's
made of lead.
233
00:08:06,609 --> 00:08:08,909
Those things
didn't work, did they?
234
00:08:08,944 --> 00:08:11,554
Absolutely. Lily's boobs
always work for me.
235
00:08:11,580 --> 00:08:13,120
Oh, the goggles?
No.
236
00:08:13,148 --> 00:08:15,548
Next question.
237
00:08:15,584 --> 00:08:18,754
You keep saying "ring bear"
238
00:08:18,787 --> 00:08:21,317
instead of ring bear-er.
239
00:08:22,325 --> 00:08:24,625
Will there or will there not
240
00:08:24,660 --> 00:08:26,660
be a bear at our wedding?
241
00:08:26,695 --> 00:08:29,225
The truth is...
242
00:08:29,264 --> 00:08:30,974
aggle flaggle klabble.
243
00:08:30,999 --> 00:08:32,739
Wumby flappy snurp...
244
00:08:32,768 --> 00:08:34,438
Oh, my God, he's dipped back
down to Jabba drunk!
245
00:08:34,470 --> 00:08:35,500
Give him
another drink!
246
00:08:35,538 --> 00:08:37,338
Come on.
247
00:08:37,373 --> 00:08:39,483
Oh, yeah, baby.
248
00:08:39,508 --> 00:08:41,338
I could go all night.
249
00:08:41,377 --> 00:08:43,777
I can't hold out much longer!
250
00:08:43,812 --> 00:08:46,152
What are the least arousing
things I can think of?
251
00:08:46,181 --> 00:08:49,591
* Day-old roadkill
252
00:08:49,618 --> 00:08:51,988
* Ah, yeah...
253
00:08:52,020 --> 00:08:53,520
* Fingernail
254
00:08:53,556 --> 00:08:58,126
* Fingernail clippings
255
00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,660
* That is some dull stuff
256
00:09:00,696 --> 00:09:05,166
* How your TMJ night guard
smells in the morning *
257
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:07,470
* Nasty
258
00:09:07,503 --> 00:09:09,513
* Bugs...
259
00:09:09,538 --> 00:09:11,968
* Mmm
260
00:09:12,007 --> 00:09:14,377
* More bugs
261
00:09:14,410 --> 00:09:16,010
MARSHALL:
It's working! It's working!
262
00:09:16,044 --> 00:09:18,814
Uh-oh, it's working too well.
263
00:09:18,847 --> 00:09:22,147
Think sexy thoughts.
Think sexy thoughts!
264
00:09:22,184 --> 00:09:25,524
* Bugs with boobs...
265
00:09:25,554 --> 00:09:26,994
LILY:
Marshall, are
you all right?
266
00:09:27,022 --> 00:09:28,362
You don't seem
to be, um...
267
00:09:28,391 --> 00:09:31,391
Please, uh,
excuse Medium-Sized Fudge.
268
00:09:32,728 --> 00:09:35,158
6 and 3/64 inches.
269
00:09:35,197 --> 00:09:36,527
Yeah, he's back
to telling the truth.
270
00:09:36,565 --> 00:09:37,965
Okay, Barney,
271
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:39,540
how are you always able
to do that magic trick
272
00:09:39,568 --> 00:09:41,168
where you make doves appear?
273
00:09:41,203 --> 00:09:44,413
Special dehydrated birds
I get in Chinatown.
274
00:09:47,275 --> 00:09:48,805
I knew it!
275
00:09:48,844 --> 00:09:51,054
(sighs)
Okay. Okay.
276
00:09:51,079 --> 00:09:53,419
Will there or will there not
277
00:09:53,449 --> 00:09:55,879
be a bear at our wedding?
278
00:09:55,918 --> 00:09:57,388
The truth is...
279
00:09:57,420 --> 00:09:59,720
Barney...
Oh, come on!
280
00:09:59,755 --> 00:10:01,085
I know that you always say
281
00:10:01,123 --> 00:10:02,563
that you don't
need any kind of
282
00:10:02,591 --> 00:10:04,931
"help" in bed,
but if you, um...
283
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,660
I always keep
these on hand.
284
00:10:06,695 --> 00:10:08,155
But be careful.
285
00:10:08,196 --> 00:10:10,496
When you go off, there's
a kickback like a cannon.
286
00:10:10,533 --> 00:10:12,373
Thank you.
287
00:10:14,102 --> 00:10:16,412
How much a year
do you spend on suits?
288
00:10:16,439 --> 00:10:19,209
NARRATOR:
Kids, I won't bother you
with the number,
289
00:10:19,241 --> 00:10:21,211
but it was a crapload.
290
00:10:21,243 --> 00:10:23,083
Around one crapload.
291
00:10:23,111 --> 00:10:24,581
That much?
292
00:10:24,613 --> 00:10:25,953
Well... aren't you concerned
about your future?
293
00:10:25,981 --> 00:10:27,421
Nope.
294
00:10:27,450 --> 00:10:29,050
Especially since Robin
is massively wealthy.
295
00:10:29,084 --> 00:10:30,454
Barney!
What?
296
00:10:30,486 --> 00:10:31,686
You're rich?
297
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:32,860
L-Like how rich?
298
00:10:32,888 --> 00:10:34,058
It's my family's money,
not mine.
299
00:10:34,089 --> 00:10:35,119
I-I don't really know how much.
300
00:10:35,157 --> 00:10:36,527
How much is her family worth?
301
00:10:36,559 --> 00:10:38,089
6,000 craploads.
302
00:10:38,126 --> 00:10:39,426
Canadian craploads.
303
00:10:39,462 --> 00:10:40,802
That much?!
304
00:10:40,829 --> 00:10:41,759
But when we dated,
305
00:10:41,797 --> 00:10:43,067
I paid for everything.
306
00:10:43,098 --> 00:10:44,768
You didn't pay for everything.
307
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:46,030
He paid for everything.
308
00:10:46,068 --> 00:10:47,598
I pick up our bar tab
all the time.
309
00:10:47,636 --> 00:10:49,236
Three times
in the last nine years.
310
00:10:49,271 --> 00:10:51,441
I took you out to tons
of four-star restaurants.
311
00:10:51,474 --> 00:10:52,884
Two-star restaurants.
312
00:10:52,908 --> 00:10:54,308
Figuring, on average,
two meals out a week
313
00:10:54,342 --> 00:10:55,782
plus 20% tip...
314
00:10:55,811 --> 00:10:57,151
12 and a half percent tip.
315
00:10:57,179 --> 00:10:59,309
Do you know
how much money you cost me?
316
00:10:59,347 --> 00:11:00,647
What am I?
A prostitute?
317
00:11:00,683 --> 00:11:02,123
You are not a prostitute.
318
00:11:02,150 --> 00:11:04,250
No, a prostitute
would've been cheaper.
319
00:11:04,286 --> 00:11:06,216
Depends on the prostitute.
320
00:11:06,254 --> 00:11:08,324
Wait, hold on, Ted.
What are we doing?
321
00:11:08,356 --> 00:11:10,126
You're arguing
about Robin's wealth
322
00:11:10,158 --> 00:11:12,258
when you really should be asking
me embarrassing questions.
323
00:11:12,294 --> 00:11:13,804
He's right.
324
00:11:13,829 --> 00:11:14,959
Let's do this.
325
00:11:14,997 --> 00:11:16,257
NARRATOR:
And so we did it.
326
00:11:16,298 --> 00:11:17,898
We asked Barney
all the questions
327
00:11:17,933 --> 00:11:18,903
we'd always wanted to.
328
00:11:18,934 --> 00:11:21,604
In one night? Four.
329
00:11:21,637 --> 00:11:24,237
In one family? Three.
330
00:11:24,272 --> 00:11:27,642
Yes, but not while she
was secretary of state.
331
00:11:27,676 --> 00:11:31,246
Yes, but not while she was
secretary of state.
332
00:11:31,279 --> 00:11:32,649
Just once.
333
00:11:32,681 --> 00:11:35,651
With a French male model Henri.
334
00:11:35,684 --> 00:11:37,024
It was late.
335
00:11:37,052 --> 00:11:38,852
We were the last two people
in the club.
336
00:11:38,887 --> 00:11:41,317
I was lonely and I figured,
why not try it?
337
00:11:42,625 --> 00:11:45,325
That was the only time
I ever split a cab.
338
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,160
Yes, but not the M.I.T.
you're thinking of.
339
00:11:48,196 --> 00:11:50,996
The Magician's Institute
of Teaneck.
340
00:11:51,033 --> 00:11:54,803
I've had sex
in Ted's bed 14 times.
341
00:11:54,837 --> 00:11:58,307
I asked if you wear
shoulder pads.
342
00:11:58,340 --> 00:12:00,840
I think I've just got
one question left.
343
00:12:00,876 --> 00:12:02,476
And it's a biggie.
344
00:12:03,345 --> 00:12:05,505
Barney Stinson...
345
00:12:05,548 --> 00:12:07,818
what do you do for a living?
346
00:12:10,686 --> 00:12:11,716
You did it.
347
00:12:11,754 --> 00:12:14,524
You banged your wife to sleep.
348
00:12:14,557 --> 00:12:16,727
Nice job...
349
00:12:18,527 --> 00:12:21,057
...Still-Big Fudge.
350
00:12:23,732 --> 00:12:25,872
TED:
I wuv you, Mommy.
351
00:12:25,901 --> 00:12:27,041
Unpause.
352
00:12:33,341 --> 00:12:35,341
NARRATOR:
Kids, in all the time
we knew Barney,
353
00:12:35,377 --> 00:12:37,747
there was one question he would
always answer the same way.
354
00:12:37,780 --> 00:12:39,510
Seriously, what is it
that you do?
355
00:12:39,548 --> 00:12:40,918
(chuckles) Please.
356
00:12:40,949 --> 00:12:41,919
Okay, seriously.
357
00:12:41,950 --> 00:12:43,550
What do you do for a living?
358
00:12:43,586 --> 00:12:45,246
(chuckles) Please.
359
00:12:45,287 --> 00:12:47,387
Are you finally gonna tell me
exactly what your job is?
360
00:12:47,422 --> 00:12:49,162
(chuckles) Please.
361
00:12:49,191 --> 00:12:51,861
So, naturally, this was
a pretty big moment for us.
362
00:12:51,894 --> 00:12:55,864
Well, what do you do
for a living?
363
00:12:59,401 --> 00:13:01,171
Please.
364
00:13:01,203 --> 00:13:02,443
(groans)
God, he's not telling us.
365
00:13:02,470 --> 00:13:03,440
More booze.
366
00:13:03,471 --> 00:13:05,911
Not so fast, princess.
367
00:13:05,941 --> 00:13:07,711
I guess subtle clues
and the bar tab
368
00:13:07,743 --> 00:13:09,753
are two things
you just don't pick up.
369
00:13:09,778 --> 00:13:10,878
Because...
370
00:13:10,913 --> 00:13:13,353
I think he is telling us.
371
00:13:13,381 --> 00:13:15,621
Tell us more about this job.
372
00:13:16,619 --> 00:13:17,849
BARNEY:
Well, as you know,
373
00:13:17,886 --> 00:13:19,446
back in my hippie days,
374
00:13:19,487 --> 00:13:21,387
a businessman came
into my coffee shop,
375
00:13:21,423 --> 00:13:23,233
told me money was
all that mattered,
376
00:13:23,258 --> 00:13:24,758
and stole my girlfriend.
377
00:13:24,793 --> 00:13:28,263
That's when I decided
to become awesome.
378
00:13:28,296 --> 00:13:31,796
But I had no idea how to break
into the corporate world.
379
00:13:31,834 --> 00:13:33,274
So, hoping he wouldn't
recognize me,
380
00:13:33,301 --> 00:13:35,041
I went to the one person
from whom
381
00:13:35,070 --> 00:13:37,470
I knew I could learn
everything.
382
00:13:37,505 --> 00:13:39,065
Do we know each other, bro?
383
00:13:39,107 --> 00:13:42,577
We're all connected
in Gaia's great tapestry of...
384
00:13:42,611 --> 00:13:44,611
(clears throat)
No.
385
00:13:44,647 --> 00:13:45,977
We don't.
386
00:13:46,014 --> 00:13:47,824
Bro.
387
00:13:49,184 --> 00:13:50,454
Wow, you went to M.I.T.
388
00:13:50,485 --> 00:13:51,815
Pretty impressive.
389
00:13:51,854 --> 00:13:54,494
I did get a perfect score
on the A.C.T.'s.
390
00:13:54,522 --> 00:13:57,492
Advanced Card Tricks.
391
00:13:57,525 --> 00:13:58,725
Well, look, buddy.
392
00:13:58,761 --> 00:14:00,301
You got a sweet résumé.
393
00:14:00,328 --> 00:14:02,258
But we don't have any openings
you're qualified for.
394
00:14:02,297 --> 00:14:04,997
They set me up!
It was a trap! It's a trap!
395
00:14:06,935 --> 00:14:09,595
We have one opening
you'd be perfect for.
396
00:14:09,638 --> 00:14:11,668
Great. What do I do?
397
00:14:11,707 --> 00:14:13,737
Please.
398
00:14:13,776 --> 00:14:15,936
"Provide Legal Exculpation
And Sign Everything."
399
00:14:15,978 --> 00:14:17,408
Just show up every day,
400
00:14:17,445 --> 00:14:19,075
scribble your name on
a bunch of documents,
401
00:14:19,114 --> 00:14:21,154
and we'll pay you
16 craploads a year.
402
00:14:22,317 --> 00:14:23,587
Deets are in the contract.
403
00:14:23,618 --> 00:14:24,688
I'll give you time
to think about it.
404
00:14:26,454 --> 00:14:27,594
I'll take it.
405
00:14:27,622 --> 00:14:28,922
Hold on.
406
00:14:28,957 --> 00:14:30,527
Did you even read this
before signing it?
407
00:14:30,558 --> 00:14:31,458
No.
408
00:14:31,493 --> 00:14:32,863
(laughs)
You're hired.
409
00:14:35,397 --> 00:14:36,427
We'll work on that.
410
00:14:36,464 --> 00:14:37,704
TED:
Wait.
411
00:14:37,733 --> 00:14:39,133
That's your job?
412
00:14:39,167 --> 00:14:40,997
You sign sketchy,
legally binding documents
413
00:14:41,036 --> 00:14:43,166
that could implicate you
for God knows what?
414
00:14:43,205 --> 00:14:45,335
Best job ever, right?
415
00:14:46,574 --> 00:14:48,544
No more pausing.
416
00:14:48,576 --> 00:14:50,306
We're getting
through this argument.
417
00:14:50,345 --> 00:14:52,175
Okay.
418
00:14:52,214 --> 00:14:54,184
No potshots at my mom.
419
00:14:54,216 --> 00:14:55,946
Fine, no distracting me
with your calves.
420
00:14:55,984 --> 00:14:58,154
Fine.
421
00:15:01,757 --> 00:15:04,227
I love you, Lilypad.
422
00:15:04,259 --> 00:15:05,859
I love you, Marshmallow.
423
00:15:05,894 --> 00:15:07,804
(deep breath)
Now...
424
00:15:07,830 --> 00:15:09,460
(exhales)
425
00:15:09,497 --> 00:15:12,697
...how could you take
that job without telling me?!
426
00:15:12,735 --> 00:15:15,065
Baby, I'm sorry, but they needed
an answer right away.
427
00:15:15,103 --> 00:15:16,373
This is a huge opportunity,
428
00:15:16,404 --> 00:15:17,914
it could be very good
for our family,
429
00:15:17,940 --> 00:15:19,880
and we have to
at least talk about it.
430
00:15:19,908 --> 00:15:22,578
Sorry, you lost your chance
to talk about it
431
00:15:22,610 --> 00:15:24,710
when you didn't talk about it.
432
00:15:25,513 --> 00:15:27,023
We're going to Italy.
433
00:15:27,049 --> 00:15:28,679
But I could be a judge.
434
00:15:28,717 --> 00:15:31,587
We can't give that up for
what is clearly just a hobby.
435
00:15:31,619 --> 00:15:32,759
Pause.
436
00:15:32,788 --> 00:15:34,058
No pause.
437
00:15:34,089 --> 00:15:35,989
That "hobby" is my dream.
438
00:15:36,024 --> 00:15:37,694
We're going to Italy.
439
00:15:37,726 --> 00:15:38,756
But it's my dream to...
440
00:15:38,794 --> 00:15:40,064
We are going to Italy!
441
00:15:40,095 --> 00:15:41,395
Baby, can you just...?
442
00:15:41,429 --> 00:15:43,029
We are going to Italy!
443
00:15:43,065 --> 00:15:44,265
Don't you get it?
444
00:15:44,299 --> 00:15:46,399
You went behind my back.
445
00:15:46,434 --> 00:15:48,104
You hurt me.
446
00:15:48,136 --> 00:15:52,066
You were more selfish
than I have ever been to you.
447
00:15:52,107 --> 00:15:56,977
You broke up with me
and moved to San Francisco.
448
00:15:58,113 --> 00:15:59,923
Barney!
You're being stupid.
449
00:15:59,948 --> 00:16:02,418
The-the-the company is
setting you up as their fall guy
450
00:16:02,450 --> 00:16:05,020
for all of their
illegal activities.
451
00:16:05,053 --> 00:16:07,863
No, you guys are being stupid.
452
00:16:07,890 --> 00:16:09,360
Especially Ted.
453
00:16:09,391 --> 00:16:11,291
What? I didn't say anything.
454
00:16:11,326 --> 00:16:14,856
NARRATOR:
And then, kids, Barney revealed
to us his master plan.
455
00:16:14,897 --> 00:16:17,367
It all went down a few months
after the wedding.
456
00:16:17,399 --> 00:16:19,229
Hey, Greg?
457
00:16:19,267 --> 00:16:20,597
I know you're busy,
458
00:16:20,635 --> 00:16:22,635
but FYI, I've been colluding
with the Feds.
459
00:16:22,670 --> 00:16:23,940
They know everything.
460
00:16:23,972 --> 00:16:25,442
And they're
on their way up right now
461
00:16:25,473 --> 00:16:27,113
to shut down this division
and arrest you.
462
00:16:27,142 --> 00:16:28,442
Door closed or...?
463
00:16:28,476 --> 00:16:29,776
What?
464
00:16:29,812 --> 00:16:31,112
Why would you do that?
465
00:16:31,146 --> 00:16:33,776
Oh, gosh,
countless moral reasons...
466
00:16:33,816 --> 00:16:35,546
could have applied,
467
00:16:35,583 --> 00:16:38,993
but this is pretty much revenge
for stealing my girlfriend.
468
00:16:39,021 --> 00:16:40,661
See? That day, I vowed
469
00:16:40,688 --> 00:16:43,128
I would do everything
in my power to track you down,
470
00:16:43,158 --> 00:16:44,828
gain your trust,
471
00:16:44,860 --> 00:16:47,560
and then destroy you.
472
00:16:47,595 --> 00:16:48,825
Who are you?
473
00:16:48,864 --> 00:16:49,904
Who am I?
474
00:16:49,932 --> 00:16:51,272
Just a guy
475
00:16:51,299 --> 00:16:53,099
who served you coffee once.
476
00:16:53,135 --> 00:16:54,435
Peace out, loser.
477
00:16:54,469 --> 00:16:56,239
* Barney Stinson,
Barney Stinson *
478
00:16:56,271 --> 00:16:58,271
You son of a bitch!
* That guy's awesome
479
00:16:58,306 --> 00:17:00,676
I will destroy you!
Get your hands off of me.
* Awesome
480
00:17:00,708 --> 00:17:03,808
* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
481
00:17:03,846 --> 00:17:06,076
* Awesome.
482
00:17:06,114 --> 00:17:07,524
Why are you
483
00:17:07,549 --> 00:17:09,149
bringing up San Francisco?
484
00:17:09,184 --> 00:17:11,124
That was seven years ago.
485
00:17:11,153 --> 00:17:15,423
Because you are being
selfish all over again.
486
00:17:15,457 --> 00:17:19,927
Marshall, I apologized
over and over again.
487
00:17:19,962 --> 00:17:22,702
Now you're saying you
never have forgiven me?
488
00:17:22,730 --> 00:17:24,100
There is
489
00:17:24,132 --> 00:17:26,702
nothing more important to me
than our family.
490
00:17:26,734 --> 00:17:28,004
You know that.
491
00:17:28,036 --> 00:17:29,536
Well, let me ask.
492
00:17:29,571 --> 00:17:31,741
What if you had found
success in San Francisco?
493
00:17:32,674 --> 00:17:33,984
How do I know that you even
494
00:17:34,009 --> 00:17:35,209
would've come back to me?
495
00:17:35,243 --> 00:17:36,983
Stop it.
496
00:17:37,012 --> 00:17:38,452
Are Marvin and I
497
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:41,050
and any other future children
we may have
498
00:17:41,083 --> 00:17:43,693
just some consolation prize?
499
00:17:43,718 --> 00:17:45,848
I have to get out of here.
500
00:17:48,190 --> 00:17:49,120
Babe?
501
00:17:49,157 --> 00:17:51,387
(door slams)
502
00:17:51,426 --> 00:17:52,656
So, Barney,
503
00:17:52,694 --> 00:17:54,134
I still haven't
heard you pronounce
504
00:17:54,162 --> 00:17:55,562
that last syllable.
505
00:17:56,531 --> 00:17:59,731
At our wedding, will there be
506
00:17:59,767 --> 00:18:02,197
a ring bear-er?
507
00:18:02,237 --> 00:18:03,737
(deep breath)
508
00:18:03,771 --> 00:18:05,441
The truth is...
509
00:18:06,608 --> 00:18:09,378
...yes, there will be
a ring bear-er.
510
00:18:09,411 --> 00:18:11,311
His name is Trevor Hudson,
511
00:18:11,346 --> 00:18:13,476
I worked with his mother,
and he's adorable.
512
00:18:13,515 --> 00:18:16,315
I want our wedding
to be perfect, Robin.
513
00:18:16,351 --> 00:18:18,121
Me, too.
514
00:18:19,087 --> 00:18:20,257
Okay, I'm gonna go upstairs.
515
00:18:20,288 --> 00:18:21,518
He's okay to crash
with you, right?
516
00:18:21,556 --> 00:18:23,426
Yup, we'll see you
in the morning.
517
00:18:23,458 --> 00:18:25,058
Hmm.
518
00:18:25,093 --> 00:18:26,263
I love you.
519
00:18:26,294 --> 00:18:28,064
I love you, too.
520
00:18:31,967 --> 00:18:34,737
Okay, I got one last question
for you.
521
00:18:34,769 --> 00:18:36,869
And I can't believe
I haven't asked it yet.
522
00:18:36,905 --> 00:18:39,565
Dude, you're getting
married tomorrow.
523
00:18:40,742 --> 00:18:42,682
How are you doing?
Good.
524
00:18:42,710 --> 00:18:45,250
I mean, I'm a little nervous,
525
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:49,020
but I love Robin more than
I've ever loved anyone,
526
00:18:49,051 --> 00:18:51,691
and I'm gonna do everything
I can to make her happy.
527
00:18:51,719 --> 00:18:53,189
For a long time,
528
00:18:53,221 --> 00:18:55,361
deep down,
529
00:18:55,390 --> 00:18:57,560
I've felt sort of...
530
00:18:57,592 --> 00:18:58,862
broken?
531
00:18:58,893 --> 00:19:00,263
But...
532
00:19:00,295 --> 00:19:02,755
I don't feel that way anymore.
533
00:19:02,797 --> 00:19:05,027
Robin, along with the idea
534
00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:07,797
that vengeance
will soon be mine,
535
00:19:07,835 --> 00:19:11,635
has made me 100% awesome.
536
00:19:11,673 --> 00:19:12,943
I'm proud of you, buddy.
537
00:19:12,975 --> 00:19:15,935
Globan froban.
538
00:19:15,978 --> 00:19:16,978
Ho, ho, ho.
539
00:19:17,012 --> 00:19:17,982
Okay.
540
00:19:18,013 --> 00:19:19,253
Come on, Jabba.
541
00:19:19,281 --> 00:19:20,251
Big day tomorrow.
542
00:19:20,282 --> 00:19:22,382
(grunts)
Tab for the night?
543
00:19:22,417 --> 00:19:24,117
Just so you know,
544
00:19:24,152 --> 00:19:27,462
those last few rounds of 35-year
Glen McKenna were not cheap.
545
00:19:27,489 --> 00:19:28,489
Whoa.
546
00:19:28,523 --> 00:19:30,893
Um... you know what?
547
00:19:30,925 --> 00:19:32,225
Charge them to the bride's room.
548
00:19:32,260 --> 00:19:33,400
Thank you.
549
00:19:33,428 --> 00:19:34,398
Come on.
(muttering)
550
00:19:34,429 --> 00:19:36,329
Let's go. We got you.
551
00:19:36,364 --> 00:19:39,174
NARRATOR: Kids, it's your
grandmother's favorite rule.
552
00:19:39,201 --> 00:19:41,401
Nothing good happens
after 2:00 a.m.
553
00:19:41,436 --> 00:19:44,566
Hi. I-I know it's late,
but I've got to get out of here.
554
00:19:44,606 --> 00:19:47,636
Marshall and I
just had a huge fight.
555
00:19:47,675 --> 00:19:49,905
You will?
556
00:19:49,944 --> 00:19:52,684
Oh, my God, thank you.
557
00:20:06,528 --> 00:20:08,658
TED: You good, yeah?
THE MOTHER: Yeah.
558
00:20:08,696 --> 00:20:11,096
Okay.
559
00:20:11,133 --> 00:20:12,133
Okay.
560
00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:13,197
Everything is fine.
561
00:20:13,235 --> 00:20:14,295
Okay? Just don't freak out.
562
00:20:14,336 --> 00:20:15,296
I'm not freaking out.
563
00:20:15,337 --> 00:20:16,337
I was talking to myself.
564
00:20:16,371 --> 00:20:17,841
Do you have the baby?
565
00:20:17,872 --> 00:20:19,442
The elevator!
What?!
566
00:20:19,474 --> 00:20:20,884
Marshall and Lily are right.
It never gets old.
567
00:20:20,908 --> 00:20:22,378
Unless you're crowning.
568
00:20:22,410 --> 00:20:24,210
So proud of you.
Thank you.
569
00:20:24,246 --> 00:20:25,876
Penny is so proud of you.
570
00:20:25,913 --> 00:20:27,523
Let's go get you a brother.
571
00:20:27,549 --> 00:20:29,119
Okay?
Hmm?
572
00:20:29,151 --> 00:20:30,221
You want a brother?
All right?
573
00:20:30,252 --> 00:20:32,222
I love you.
I love you, too.
574
00:20:32,254 --> 00:20:33,194
You're gonna be great.
575
00:20:33,221 --> 00:20:34,821
Yeah, okay.
Okay.
576
00:20:34,856 --> 00:20:36,286
NARRATOR: Nothing good happens
after 2:00 a.m.
577
00:20:36,324 --> 00:20:37,694
It's a good rule.
578
00:20:37,725 --> 00:20:39,855
But every rule
has an exception.
579
00:20:39,894 --> 00:20:42,534
And for us,
that exception was you, Luke.
580
00:20:42,564 --> 00:20:44,474
We're having a baby!
581
00:20:44,499 --> 00:20:46,499
(yells)
582
00:20:50,605 --> 00:20:53,075
(chain dragging)
583
00:20:53,108 --> 00:20:54,838
Come on, Trevor Hudson.
584
00:20:54,876 --> 00:20:57,976
It's feeding time.
585
00:20:58,012 --> 00:20:59,912
(roaring)
586
00:20:59,947 --> 00:21:02,277
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
36953
