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♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x14 ♪
Slapsgiving No. 3: Slappointment in Slapmarra
Original Air Date on January 13, 2014
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00:00:28,954 --> 00:00:33,954
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
3
00:00:39,528 --> 00:00:41,478
Oh, sorry, kids.
4
00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:43,880
I forgot to mentionthere's a bit of a backstory
5
00:00:43,882 --> 00:00:45,716
to this particular slap.
6
00:00:45,718 --> 00:00:46,900
Oh, man.
7
00:00:46,902 --> 00:00:48,518
Oh.
8
00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:50,787
At least it landed
on the mustard stain.
9
00:00:50,789 --> 00:00:53,390
Don't bother.
That suit is a stain.
10
00:00:53,392 --> 00:00:56,359
A stain on the very institution
of suits.
11
00:00:56,361 --> 00:00:57,894
You know what tie goes
with that suit?
12
00:00:57,896 --> 00:01:00,047
The tie at the top
of a Hefty bag.
13
00:01:00,049 --> 00:01:01,231
A suit like that
14
00:01:01,233 --> 00:01:03,667
only needs one button...
self-destruct.
15
00:01:03,669 --> 00:01:04,851
Hey, I bought him
that suit.
16
00:01:04,853 --> 00:01:06,536
Where? Barfs Brothers?
17
00:01:07,205 --> 00:01:09,106
Men's Outhouse?
18
00:01:09,108 --> 00:01:11,341
Giorgio Arms...
Are-Not-the-Same-Lengthy?
19
00:01:12,527 --> 00:01:15,645
That suit is a slap in the face
to all suits everywhere.
20
00:01:15,647 --> 00:01:17,898
A slap in the face.
21
00:01:17,900 --> 00:01:19,900
Uh, yes, Barney.
22
00:01:19,902 --> 00:01:22,569
There's something I need to
tell you about the next slap
23
00:01:22,571 --> 00:01:23,870
that you're going to receive.
24
00:01:23,872 --> 00:01:24,988
You see,
25
00:01:24,990 --> 00:01:26,773
I want this slap to be
26
00:01:26,775 --> 00:01:29,910
as painful as
humanly possible.
27
00:01:29,912 --> 00:01:31,812
Sure. Sure.
Okay, okay.
28
00:01:31,814 --> 00:01:33,647
Yeah, I'm gonna stop you
right there.
29
00:01:33,649 --> 00:01:37,167
Yes, you won a slap bet
with me seven years ago.
30
00:01:37,169 --> 00:01:38,552
And, yes, over the years,
31
00:01:38,554 --> 00:01:40,720
you got in some great slaps.
32
00:01:40,722 --> 00:01:43,423
Some great slaps.
33
00:01:43,425 --> 00:01:44,491
But here's the problem.
34
00:01:44,493 --> 00:01:46,593
You've tormented me so much
35
00:01:46,595 --> 00:01:48,295
that I am now immune to it.
36
00:01:48,297 --> 00:01:49,162
Hmm.
It's as if
37
00:01:49,164 --> 00:01:52,265
my face, my psyche, my soul
38
00:01:52,267 --> 00:01:54,501
were covered
in that numbing cream
39
00:01:54,503 --> 00:01:56,837
we all put on our deals
so that we can go all night.
40
00:01:56,839 --> 00:01:58,054
Am I right, fellas?
41
00:01:59,607 --> 00:02:02,742
Okay, we'll all just pretend
like we've never done that.
42
00:02:02,744 --> 00:02:06,046
Just like we've never sat on our
left hand until it fell asleep
43
00:02:06,048 --> 00:02:08,148
and then used it
for an away gamer.
44
00:02:08,850 --> 00:02:10,033
Okay.
45
00:02:10,035 --> 00:02:11,034
We'll all pretend
46
00:02:11,036 --> 00:02:12,169
like we've never done that.
47
00:02:12,171 --> 00:02:13,136
Just like we've all never taken
48
00:02:13,138 --> 00:02:14,905
two live jumper cables...
49
00:02:14,907 --> 00:02:16,373
Please stop.
50
00:02:16,375 --> 00:02:17,958
Barney, I'm well-aware
that you've developed
51
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,076
a resistance to all
of my old tricks,
52
00:02:20,078 --> 00:02:23,313
which is why I sought
out special training.
53
00:02:23,315 --> 00:02:26,533
Hi, hey, I'm sure you get
this question all the time.
54
00:02:26,535 --> 00:02:29,619
But is there a special class
where I just learn slapping?
55
00:02:29,621 --> 00:02:31,304
We teach kung fu here.
56
00:02:31,306 --> 00:02:33,122
Right, see,
the thing is, I don't need
57
00:02:33,124 --> 00:02:34,608
to learn anything about kicking.
58
00:02:34,610 --> 00:02:35,425
You know?
59
00:02:35,427 --> 00:02:37,144
'Cause, uh...
60
00:02:38,596 --> 00:02:39,646
So, yeah.
61
00:02:39,648 --> 00:02:41,681
I'm good there.
62
00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:43,517
Um, what I really need
to learn is slapping.
63
00:02:43,519 --> 00:02:45,969
I need someone to teach me
how to slap my friend
64
00:02:45,971 --> 00:02:49,105
just like really hard
right in his stupid face.
65
00:02:49,107 --> 00:02:50,307
Can you teach me that?
66
00:02:50,309 --> 00:02:53,276
Kung fu is an ancient
and honorable martial art.
67
00:02:53,278 --> 00:02:54,561
It must be learned
with great devotion
68
00:02:54,563 --> 00:02:57,280
and respect.
69
00:02:58,449 --> 00:03:00,534
So, where are we on this
whole slapping thing?
70
00:03:00,536 --> 00:03:02,002
Yes, no, maybe...?
Get out.
71
00:03:04,422 --> 00:03:05,505
Psst.
72
00:03:05,507 --> 00:03:07,340
I know what you seek.
73
00:03:07,342 --> 00:03:08,608
You seek to learn
74
00:03:08,610 --> 00:03:10,427
the Slap of a Thousand
75
00:03:10,429 --> 00:03:12,429
Exploding Suns.
76
00:03:12,431 --> 00:03:14,664
Yes, that's totally
a thing I've heard of.
77
00:03:14,666 --> 00:03:16,049
Can you teach me?
78
00:03:16,051 --> 00:03:18,167
No, but I know who can.
79
00:03:18,169 --> 00:03:20,053
Can you take me
to this great master?
80
00:03:20,055 --> 00:03:21,304
I have much gold.
81
00:03:21,306 --> 00:03:24,975
It is not one great master
you seek but three.
82
00:03:24,977 --> 00:03:26,175
They will teach you
83
00:03:26,177 --> 00:03:29,779
the three mighty virtues
of slapistry.
84
00:03:29,781 --> 00:03:30,730
Speed.
85
00:03:31,799 --> 00:03:33,316
Strength.
86
00:03:33,318 --> 00:03:36,770
And accuracy.
87
00:03:36,772 --> 00:03:39,022
Put these
three virtues together,
88
00:03:39,024 --> 00:03:41,691
and only then
will you have mastered
89
00:03:41,693 --> 00:03:43,860
the Slap of a Million
90
00:03:43,862 --> 00:03:47,264
Exploding Suns.
91
00:03:47,266 --> 00:03:49,165
I'm sorry to interrupt,
but a second ago,
92
00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:51,835
wasn't it the Slap
of a Thousand Exploding Suns?
93
00:03:51,837 --> 00:03:54,104
Pretty sure I said a million, guys?
I heard a million.
94
00:03:54,106 --> 00:03:55,338
He said a million.
One million.
95
00:03:55,340 --> 00:03:57,674
So I went to Shanghai...
96
00:03:57,676 --> 00:03:58,775
You didn't go to Shanghai.
97
00:03:58,777 --> 00:03:59,576
I went to Shanghai.
98
00:03:59,578 --> 00:04:00,427
When did you go to Shanghai?
99
00:04:00,429 --> 00:04:01,561
Last year I went
to Shanghai.
100
00:04:01,563 --> 00:04:02,362
You didn't go to Shanghai.
101
00:04:02,364 --> 00:04:03,630
He went to Shanghai.
102
00:04:03,632 --> 00:04:05,248
He didn't go to Shanghai.
Totally went to Shanghai.
103
00:04:05,250 --> 00:04:05,916
You didn't go to Shanghai.
104
00:04:05,918 --> 00:04:06,816
So I went to Shanghai.
105
00:04:08,786 --> 00:04:11,571
In search of the first master.
106
00:04:13,441 --> 00:04:16,409
Are you Red Bird?
107
00:04:21,866 --> 00:04:24,317
Okay, enough.
108
00:04:24,319 --> 00:04:25,852
I know you're trying
to freak me out.
109
00:04:25,854 --> 00:04:27,454
But like I said,
it's not working.
110
00:04:27,456 --> 00:04:29,556
So I will give you much gold
111
00:04:29,558 --> 00:04:31,424
to stop wasting my time.
112
00:04:31,426 --> 00:04:33,476
Hold that thought, I just want
to see if can fix this.
113
00:04:43,055 --> 00:04:44,387
The Slap of...
114
00:04:44,389 --> 00:04:45,939
Ten Million Exploding Suns!
500 Exploding Suns!
115
00:04:45,941 --> 00:04:47,223
Three Billion Exploding Stars!
116
00:04:48,225 --> 00:04:50,777
Whoops.
117
00:04:59,255 --> 00:05:01,839
Relax, I'm not gonna
slap you right now.
118
00:05:03,242 --> 00:05:06,710
When I slap you, it shall be
beneath a willow tree
119
00:05:06,712 --> 00:05:10,598
next to four women and a tiger.
120
00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:12,933
A willow tree,
four women and a tiger?
121
00:05:12,935 --> 00:05:14,351
What are you talking about?
122
00:05:14,353 --> 00:05:17,438
Who said anything about a willow
tree, four women and a tiger?
123
00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:18,739
Guys?
Nobody.
124
00:05:18,741 --> 00:05:20,040
A tiger?
You were totally silent just now.
125
00:05:20,042 --> 00:05:22,476
But Marshall just said that!
126
00:05:22,478 --> 00:05:23,544
What is going on?
127
00:05:23,546 --> 00:05:26,280
How did you do that
to the jukebox?
128
00:05:26,282 --> 00:05:28,749
Wait, it's fake.
129
00:05:28,751 --> 00:05:30,818
That's a prop jukebox,
130
00:05:30,820 --> 00:05:32,987
designed just to mess with me.
131
00:05:32,989 --> 00:05:35,389
Marshall, that jukebox
cost eight grand.
132
00:05:36,174 --> 00:05:38,626
I have much gold.
133
00:05:40,912 --> 00:05:42,596
Huh, that is much.
134
00:05:43,215 --> 00:05:44,682
You got lucky, Eriksen.
135
00:05:45,667 --> 00:05:47,451
I don't like this!
136
00:05:47,453 --> 00:05:49,270
I thought that nothing
I said or did
137
00:05:49,272 --> 00:05:50,721
could intimidate you anymore.
138
00:05:50,723 --> 00:05:52,690
That's right.
139
00:05:52,692 --> 00:05:54,492
It can't.
140
00:05:56,679 --> 00:05:57,628
Itch.
141
00:05:57,630 --> 00:05:58,729
Look.
142
00:05:58,731 --> 00:06:00,114
If you're really nervous,
143
00:06:00,116 --> 00:06:01,816
don't think of it as a slap.
144
00:06:01,818 --> 00:06:04,218
Think of it as a high five.
Okay.
145
00:06:04,220 --> 00:06:06,170
For your stupid face.
146
00:06:06,172 --> 00:06:07,338
So, anyway, I'm in
the noodle house...
147
00:06:07,340 --> 00:06:08,522
I'll admit.
148
00:06:08,524 --> 00:06:09,957
I didn't expect Red Bird,
149
00:06:09,959 --> 00:06:13,744
Master of Speed, to be a girl.
150
00:06:13,746 --> 00:06:15,379
You sure you really
know how to...?
151
00:06:15,381 --> 00:06:17,882
What is the sound
of one hand slapping?
152
00:06:17,884 --> 00:06:20,384
I'm sorry, I don't understa...
153
00:06:22,954 --> 00:06:24,621
Wait, how did you...?
154
00:06:27,309 --> 00:06:28,509
Lucky shot, I wasn't ready...
155
00:06:31,446 --> 00:06:33,180
You know, that tip
isn't a full 20%...
156
00:06:36,234 --> 00:06:37,818
Train me, Red Bird.
157
00:06:37,820 --> 00:06:39,220
Teach me speed.
158
00:06:39,222 --> 00:06:40,488
No.
159
00:06:40,490 --> 00:06:42,256
I retired long ago.
160
00:06:42,258 --> 00:06:44,058
Retired? You're like, 32.
161
00:06:44,060 --> 00:06:45,860
I am 86 years old.
162
00:06:46,695 --> 00:06:48,095
But slapping is now
163
00:06:48,097 --> 00:06:49,363
a part of my past.
164
00:06:49,365 --> 00:06:53,250
Darn, I really wanted
to slap Barney Stinson.
165
00:06:53,252 --> 00:06:54,869
This is to slap Barney Stinson?
166
00:06:54,871 --> 00:06:56,704
Yeah, okay.
167
00:06:56,706 --> 00:06:58,956
I'll totally teach you.
168
00:06:58,958 --> 00:07:00,991
And so began my training.
169
00:07:00,993 --> 00:07:04,161
Slap this tree.
170
00:07:04,163 --> 00:07:05,162
Slap the tree?
171
00:07:05,164 --> 00:07:06,931
If you can.
172
00:07:09,301 --> 00:07:11,218
I mean...
173
00:07:11,220 --> 00:07:12,853
Seems pretty easy.
174
00:07:17,526 --> 00:07:18,926
Ooh!
175
00:07:18,928 --> 00:07:20,528
What the...?
176
00:07:21,679 --> 00:07:23,864
Ooh!
177
00:07:23,866 --> 00:07:26,483
The fabled Slapping Tree
178
00:07:26,485 --> 00:07:28,536
of Gongqing Forest.
179
00:07:28,538 --> 00:07:29,520
Beg your pardon.
180
00:07:29,522 --> 00:07:31,522
The "Fabled Slapping Tree
181
00:07:31,524 --> 00:07:34,542
of Gongqing Forest"?
Sure.
182
00:07:34,544 --> 00:07:36,460
Really? "Fabled."
Mmm.
183
00:07:36,462 --> 00:07:38,112
'Cause I've never heard of it.
184
00:07:38,114 --> 00:07:39,079
I'm pretty sure
everybody's heard of it.
185
00:07:39,081 --> 00:07:40,331
Guys?
Yup.
186
00:07:40,333 --> 00:07:41,966
Totally, yeah.
I backpacked there in college.
187
00:07:41,968 --> 00:07:42,900
See?
188
00:07:42,902 --> 00:07:44,385
Fabled.
It even inspired
189
00:07:44,387 --> 00:07:46,720
a popular Chinese
children's book.
190
00:07:47,956 --> 00:07:49,423
It's a poignant parable
191
00:07:49,425 --> 00:07:52,810
whose message, is if you
love someone, set them free.
192
00:07:53,511 --> 00:07:54,979
But not before first
193
00:07:54,981 --> 00:07:57,548
slapping them right
in their stupid face.
194
00:07:58,350 --> 00:08:00,184
As my training continued,
195
00:08:00,186 --> 00:08:03,487
I also learned the delicate artof Chinese painting.
196
00:08:05,073 --> 00:08:07,057
That looks nothing
like this bowl of fruit!
197
00:08:09,194 --> 00:08:10,544
My training went on for a year.
198
00:08:10,546 --> 00:08:12,229
A year?
A year.
199
00:08:12,231 --> 00:08:14,031
One year?
None of us noticed
200
00:08:14,033 --> 00:08:16,867
you were stuck in Shanghai
for a year?
201
00:08:16,869 --> 00:08:18,568
I wasn't being held slaptive,
202
00:08:18,570 --> 00:08:20,971
I chose to stay and
complete my training.
203
00:08:20,973 --> 00:08:23,123
I'm not even gonna...
204
00:08:23,125 --> 00:08:24,592
Just, whatever.
205
00:08:25,377 --> 00:08:26,477
You have shown great slaptitude,
206
00:08:26,479 --> 00:08:28,045
young one.
207
00:08:28,047 --> 00:08:30,581
You are ready
for your final test.
208
00:08:30,583 --> 00:08:32,783
Slap me.
209
00:08:32,785 --> 00:08:33,917
What?
210
00:08:33,919 --> 00:08:34,852
Slap me, now!
211
00:08:34,854 --> 00:08:36,604
No, Red Bird, I can't.
212
00:08:36,606 --> 00:08:38,038
Slap me-- that is not a request.
213
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:38,839
I won't!
214
00:08:38,841 --> 00:08:39,773
The Vikings will never
215
00:08:39,775 --> 00:08:41,591
win the Super Bo...
216
00:08:42,427 --> 00:08:44,144
Wait, how did you...?
217
00:08:44,146 --> 00:08:45,095
Lucky shot.
218
00:08:45,097 --> 00:08:46,680
I wasn't re...
219
00:08:46,682 --> 00:08:47,881
That's a big tip.
220
00:08:47,883 --> 00:08:48,932
You must have much gold.
221
00:08:50,987 --> 00:08:53,504
You are ready
for your final step.
222
00:08:53,506 --> 00:08:55,105
Awesome! Oh, man!
223
00:08:55,107 --> 00:08:57,107
I can't wait
to slap Barney Stinson
224
00:08:57,109 --> 00:08:58,775
right across his stupid fa...
225
00:09:02,464 --> 00:09:04,965
What? What did I say?
226
00:09:04,967 --> 00:09:07,685
You must not slap anyone
until your training is complete.
227
00:09:07,687 --> 00:09:10,054
The consequences could be dire.
228
00:09:10,056 --> 00:09:13,273
First, you must meet
White Flower,
229
00:09:13,275 --> 00:09:16,794
the second master,
who will teach you strength.
230
00:09:16,796 --> 00:09:18,412
She lives atop a mountain.
231
00:09:18,414 --> 00:09:19,496
Which mountain?
232
00:09:19,498 --> 00:09:22,599
No, not Witch Mountain.
233
00:09:22,601 --> 00:09:24,551
Slap Mountain.
234
00:09:24,553 --> 00:09:27,855
Hate to cut inagain here, but...
235
00:09:27,857 --> 00:09:30,157
Slap Mountain?
That's right.
236
00:09:30,159 --> 00:09:32,009
You're claiming there's
a mountain in China
237
00:09:32,011 --> 00:09:34,611
in the exact shape of a hand?
238
00:09:34,613 --> 00:09:35,612
Everyone knows that.
239
00:09:35,614 --> 00:09:36,646
Right, guys?
True.
240
00:09:36,648 --> 00:09:38,399
Totally.
I backpacked there in college.
241
00:09:38,401 --> 00:09:41,035
It's the largest
of the Slappalachian Mountains.
242
00:09:42,221 --> 00:09:43,420
And at the top...
243
00:09:47,759 --> 00:09:49,493
Excuse me? Uh, do you know
244
00:09:49,495 --> 00:09:51,562
where I can find White Flower?
245
00:09:52,647 --> 00:09:55,299
How dare you speak that name?
246
00:09:55,301 --> 00:09:58,719
That is the most feared name
in 40 villages!
247
00:09:58,721 --> 00:10:01,105
Really? "White Flower"?
248
00:10:01,107 --> 00:10:03,307
I'm sorry, it's just,
it's not exactly Voldemort.
249
00:10:03,309 --> 00:10:04,375
Bro!
250
00:10:04,377 --> 00:10:05,976
Why don't yo
just say "Candyman"
251
00:10:05,978 --> 00:10:07,344
three times and be done with it?
252
00:10:07,346 --> 00:10:08,562
Geez!
253
00:10:22,277 --> 00:10:24,411
Awesome!
254
00:10:24,413 --> 00:10:26,497
Can-can you teach me
how to do that?
255
00:10:26,499 --> 00:10:29,316
No, I retired
from teaching long ago.
256
00:10:29,318 --> 00:10:30,934
Retired? You're like, 32.
257
00:10:30,936 --> 00:10:33,253
I am 106 years old.
258
00:10:33,255 --> 00:10:35,122
What is in these noodles?
259
00:10:35,124 --> 00:10:37,725
I'm sorry,
but my slapping days are over.
260
00:10:37,727 --> 00:10:39,876
Darn, I really wanted
261
00:10:39,878 --> 00:10:43,280
this next Barney Stinson slap
to be special.
262
00:10:43,282 --> 00:10:44,932
This is to slap Barney Stinson?
Mmm.
263
00:10:44,934 --> 00:10:46,984
Yeah, okay,
I'll totally teach you.
264
00:10:49,871 --> 00:10:51,438
The true power of any slap
265
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:53,507
comes from the anger behind it.
266
00:10:53,509 --> 00:10:56,226
So for a truly devastating slap,
267
00:10:56,228 --> 00:10:59,263
you must harvest
the anger of many.
268
00:10:59,265 --> 00:11:00,597
Every time
269
00:11:00,599 --> 00:11:03,450
someone who hates Barney
slaps you in the face,
270
00:11:03,452 --> 00:11:07,121
the power of their anger goes
from your face
271
00:11:07,123 --> 00:11:08,589
into your hand.
272
00:11:11,092 --> 00:11:13,994
White Flower and I made lovethat night in the forest.
273
00:11:13,996 --> 00:11:16,063
No, sorry. Flag on the play.
274
00:11:16,065 --> 00:11:17,765
You banged White Flower?
275
00:11:17,767 --> 00:11:20,601
I made love to White Flower.
276
00:11:20,603 --> 00:11:22,753
And then I banged her.
277
00:11:22,755 --> 00:11:23,687
In the forest?
278
00:11:23,689 --> 00:11:25,689
In Gongqing Forest, yes.
279
00:11:25,691 --> 00:11:28,609
Actually right near
the Slapping Tree.
280
00:11:28,611 --> 00:11:31,612
Which may or may not
have come into play.
281
00:11:31,614 --> 00:11:32,863
Oh, my God,
you had a tree-way?
282
00:11:34,933 --> 00:11:37,167
And, Lily, you were okay
with Marshall having an affair?
283
00:11:37,169 --> 00:11:39,203
What happens
in the magical Gongqing Forest
284
00:11:39,205 --> 00:11:41,405
stays in the magical
Gongqing Forest.
285
00:11:41,407 --> 00:11:43,307
Best wife ever.
286
00:11:44,309 --> 00:11:45,626
Like I was saying,
287
00:11:45,628 --> 00:11:47,377
you need to harvest the anger
288
00:11:47,379 --> 00:11:49,196
of others into your own slap.
289
00:11:49,198 --> 00:11:50,214
Now, dig deep.
290
00:11:50,216 --> 00:11:52,749
Can you think of anyone,
291
00:11:52,751 --> 00:11:54,168
anyone at all
292
00:11:54,170 --> 00:11:56,620
who hates Barney Stinson?
293
00:12:00,892 --> 00:12:02,926
I know, I know, I almost
couldn't get through it
294
00:12:02,928 --> 00:12:04,228
with a straight face!
295
00:12:04,230 --> 00:12:06,430
There are just so many people
296
00:12:06,432 --> 00:12:08,982
who hate Barney's guts!
297
00:12:10,134 --> 00:12:12,135
Moving on.
298
00:12:13,472 --> 00:12:16,023
The point is, you need
to go get slapped in the face
299
00:12:16,025 --> 00:12:18,659
by a bunch of gullible chicks
Barney banged.
300
00:12:18,661 --> 00:12:20,911
I'm a friend
of Barney Stinson. Ooh!
301
00:12:20,913 --> 00:12:22,496
I'm a friend of Barney Stins...
302
00:12:22,498 --> 00:12:24,814
I-I'm-I'm a friend
of Barney Stinson. Aah!
303
00:12:24,816 --> 00:12:25,916
Ooh!
304
00:12:25,918 --> 00:12:26,884
I'm so sorry.
305
00:12:26,886 --> 00:12:27,918
I thought you said you were
306
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:28,936
a friend of Barney Stinson.
307
00:12:28,938 --> 00:12:30,487
I did. Ooh!
308
00:12:30,489 --> 00:12:31,538
Oh!
309
00:12:31,540 --> 00:12:35,158
Ooh! Wow!
310
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:38,595
Could you... also...
311
00:12:38,597 --> 00:12:41,215
slap me in the face?
312
00:12:41,217 --> 00:12:43,734
God, you're just
as perverted as Barney.
313
00:12:43,736 --> 00:12:45,769
Ooh!
314
00:12:47,857 --> 00:12:50,107
And after a while...
315
00:12:54,279 --> 00:12:56,613
Look at this thing--
it's all hot and glowy!
316
00:12:56,615 --> 00:12:59,182
I'll never have
cold pizza again!
317
00:12:59,184 --> 00:13:01,869
I'll never have cold pizza
again.
318
00:13:01,871 --> 00:13:02,586
Silence!
319
00:13:02,588 --> 00:13:04,037
Sorry, White Flower.
320
00:13:04,039 --> 00:13:05,689
I've just got
a slappetite for destruction.
321
00:13:05,691 --> 00:13:06,856
Thanks for everything!
322
00:13:06,858 --> 00:13:08,075
I'm gonna go slap Barney Stinson
323
00:13:08,077 --> 00:13:09,493
right in his stupid face!
324
00:13:09,495 --> 00:13:12,045
Wait, first you must
go learn accuracy
325
00:13:12,047 --> 00:13:14,381
from the one who is called
The Calligrapher
326
00:13:14,383 --> 00:13:17,534
in the far-off,
mystical land of...
327
00:13:19,671 --> 00:13:21,071
Cleveland?
Cleveland.
328
00:13:21,073 --> 00:13:22,389
Why Cleveland?
329
00:13:22,391 --> 00:13:23,640
It's the city equivalent
330
00:13:23,642 --> 00:13:25,375
of being slapped in the face.
331
00:13:25,377 --> 00:13:26,593
Bro.
332
00:13:26,595 --> 00:13:29,963
Man, is this place
a chain or something?
333
00:13:29,965 --> 00:13:30,931
One for dinner?
334
00:13:30,933 --> 00:13:34,902
No, I'm here to meet her.
335
00:13:34,904 --> 00:13:37,888
Bro.
336
00:13:42,293 --> 00:13:43,810
Can you teach me accuracy?
337
00:13:43,812 --> 00:13:45,345
I can.
338
00:13:45,347 --> 00:13:47,614
The proper question is: will I?
339
00:13:47,616 --> 00:13:49,583
Grammar is the first step
340
00:13:49,585 --> 00:13:52,636
on the thousand-mile journey
to accuracy.
341
00:13:52,638 --> 00:13:56,490
I'm, uh, assuming there's
no Mrs. The Calligrapher?
342
00:13:56,492 --> 00:13:58,926
The path I've chosen
is lonesome.
343
00:13:58,928 --> 00:14:00,043
But it's no big deal.
344
00:14:00,045 --> 00:14:02,078
I prefer being alone,
I really do.
345
00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:03,580
Unless you know
any single ladies
346
00:14:03,582 --> 00:14:05,015
you-you-you could
set me up with.
347
00:14:05,017 --> 00:14:08,084
Nope.
Good, because I prefer being alone.
348
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:10,070
Also I'm sorry,
349
00:14:10,072 --> 00:14:13,507
but I retired
from teaching long ago.
350
00:14:13,509 --> 00:14:15,042
Retired? You're like, 35.
351
00:14:15,044 --> 00:14:17,444
I'm 34.
352
00:14:17,446 --> 00:14:18,445
Oh, sorry.
353
00:14:18,447 --> 00:14:20,147
I use moisturizer every night.
354
00:14:20,149 --> 00:14:22,616
I thought my skin
still looked vibrant.
355
00:14:22,618 --> 00:14:23,917
It does, it does.
356
00:14:23,919 --> 00:14:25,402
Look, uh, I'm just...
357
00:14:25,404 --> 00:14:27,738
I'm really just here
to finish my training,
358
00:14:27,740 --> 00:14:29,790
um, so, the, uh,
look, the truth is,
359
00:14:29,792 --> 00:14:32,909
I have a divorced cousin
just outside of Akron.
360
00:14:32,911 --> 00:14:35,879
Now, I wouldn't call Janice
easy on the eyes--
361
00:14:35,881 --> 00:14:38,081
or the springs
of a bathroom scale--
362
00:14:38,083 --> 00:14:40,500
but if you want,
I could set you up.
363
00:14:40,502 --> 00:14:42,502
Sold! Now, the most
important lesson
364
00:14:42,504 --> 00:14:44,755
in learning accuracy...
365
00:14:49,811 --> 00:14:52,128
He was dying right
before my eyes.
366
00:14:52,130 --> 00:14:55,032
So I did the only thing
that I could think to do.
367
00:14:55,034 --> 00:14:57,901
Please!
368
00:14:57,903 --> 00:14:59,569
I slapped his back.
369
00:14:59,571 --> 00:15:00,804
And that's when I found out why
370
00:15:00,806 --> 00:15:03,073
"No slapping until
your training is complete"
371
00:15:03,075 --> 00:15:05,075
is the most important rule.
372
00:15:05,077 --> 00:15:06,943
Because my slap...
373
00:15:06,945 --> 00:15:09,646
was too powerful.
374
00:15:09,648 --> 00:15:12,082
I hadn't learned accuracy
375
00:15:12,084 --> 00:15:14,785
and so I couldn't control it.
376
00:15:14,787 --> 00:15:16,169
And, well...
377
00:15:25,229 --> 00:15:28,749
No!
378
00:15:28,751 --> 00:15:30,650
Stop it! Just stop!
379
00:15:30,652 --> 00:15:33,937
You did not slap the heart
out of a man's body!
380
00:15:33,939 --> 00:15:35,889
If only that were true.
381
00:15:35,891 --> 00:15:38,225
You're saying
that you committed a murder?
382
00:15:38,227 --> 00:15:40,009
I was trying to save him!
383
00:15:40,011 --> 00:15:42,512
Shh, baby, it's okay,
you didn't mean to.
384
00:15:42,514 --> 00:15:43,697
He doesn't sleep.
385
00:15:43,699 --> 00:15:44,848
You got to move on.
You were only trying to help.
386
00:15:44,850 --> 00:15:46,917
You're making
this whole story up.
387
00:15:46,919 --> 00:15:48,852
I wish that I were.
388
00:15:48,854 --> 00:15:50,370
Because of the tragedy,
389
00:15:50,372 --> 00:15:51,538
I never got to
finish my training.
390
00:15:51,540 --> 00:15:54,207
I never learned accuracy.
391
00:15:54,209 --> 00:15:57,244
Because of that,
I shall remain...
392
00:15:57,246 --> 00:15:59,329
forever...
393
00:15:59,331 --> 00:16:02,332
a mere slapprentice.
394
00:16:02,334 --> 00:16:04,084
What does that mean, baby?
395
00:16:04,086 --> 00:16:05,719
Here's what it meant.
396
00:16:15,898 --> 00:16:17,881
Damn it!
397
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,205
Please! Somebody!
398
00:16:21,251 --> 00:16:22,917
Help me!
399
00:16:22,919 --> 00:16:26,837
There's a crazy guy trying
to slap me and he's...
400
00:16:26,839 --> 00:16:28,506
Oh, my God.
401
00:16:28,508 --> 00:16:30,241
Four women.
402
00:16:30,243 --> 00:16:31,592
And a willow tree.
403
00:16:33,428 --> 00:16:35,012
At least there's no tiger.
404
00:16:36,882 --> 00:16:38,249
Oh, my God.
405
00:16:38,251 --> 00:16:41,252
Is that... half a tiger?
406
00:16:41,254 --> 00:16:42,853
You got here early.
407
00:16:42,855 --> 00:16:45,256
Aah!
408
00:16:46,591 --> 00:16:47,642
It's time.
409
00:16:47,644 --> 00:16:50,427
But you never completed
your training.
410
00:16:50,429 --> 00:16:52,280
Actually...
411
00:16:52,282 --> 00:16:54,431
Listen to me.
I must speak fast.
412
00:16:54,433 --> 00:16:56,450
Once you've had your heart
slapped out of your body,
413
00:16:56,452 --> 00:16:58,819
you've only got ten,
15 minutes to live, max.
414
00:16:58,821 --> 00:17:01,539
Sure.
The trick to accuracy
415
00:17:01,541 --> 00:17:03,941
is to, like,
try to be really accurate.
416
00:17:03,943 --> 00:17:05,493
Okay? Don't just slap.
417
00:17:05,495 --> 00:17:07,444
Like, like, really try to aim.
418
00:17:07,446 --> 00:17:09,947
Look where you're slapping,
that's important.
419
00:17:09,949 --> 00:17:12,133
And then try to slap that spot
420
00:17:12,135 --> 00:17:15,119
instead of some other spot.
421
00:17:15,121 --> 00:17:16,721
Well, I guess
that's pretty much it.
422
00:17:16,723 --> 00:17:17,838
You can slap people now.
423
00:17:22,010 --> 00:17:23,594
He's gone.
424
00:17:23,596 --> 00:17:24,795
One other thing.
425
00:17:24,797 --> 00:17:26,480
Cleveland has a lot to offer.
426
00:17:26,482 --> 00:17:29,300
Be sure to check out
the James A. Garfield Monument.
427
00:17:29,302 --> 00:17:31,819
Um, I mean, sure, he was only
president for four months
428
00:17:31,821 --> 00:17:33,271
before he was assassinated,
429
00:17:33,273 --> 00:17:35,606
but if you get up to the top,
you can see almost for 30 miles.
430
00:17:35,608 --> 00:17:37,858
As long as the steel factory's
not smelting.
431
00:17:41,697 --> 00:17:42,947
He's gone.
432
00:17:42,949 --> 00:17:46,083
No, like I said,
ten, 15 minutes.
433
00:17:47,636 --> 00:17:49,287
Oh, God, this is awkward.
434
00:17:49,289 --> 00:17:50,788
Yeah, yeah.
435
00:17:50,790 --> 00:17:52,006
It's like when you're saying
good-bye to someone,
436
00:17:52,008 --> 00:17:53,124
and then you realize
you're both heading
437
00:17:53,126 --> 00:17:54,175
in the same direction.
438
00:17:54,177 --> 00:17:55,176
It's like, what
do we, what do we
439
00:17:55,178 --> 00:17:57,161
we say good-bye again or...?
440
00:17:57,163 --> 00:17:59,180
Right...
441
00:17:59,182 --> 00:18:01,665
He's gone.
442
00:18:03,435 --> 00:18:06,304
Wait, are you just pretending
so it'll be less awkward?
443
00:18:07,105 --> 00:18:09,190
Should I just, like, go?
444
00:18:09,908 --> 00:18:12,093
Okay.
445
00:18:17,683 --> 00:18:20,568
My training is complete.
446
00:18:21,553 --> 00:18:23,571
I'm ready.
447
00:18:25,123 --> 00:18:27,241
I'm ready, too.
448
00:18:28,377 --> 00:18:29,410
I love you.
449
00:18:29,412 --> 00:18:30,694
Enough to take this slap for me?
450
00:18:30,696 --> 00:18:32,913
No.
451
00:19:07,499 --> 00:19:08,449
That's four!
452
00:19:08,451 --> 00:19:10,201
All right!
Yeah! Oh!
453
00:19:10,203 --> 00:19:12,203
Good one, you got me
that time, bro.
454
00:19:12,205 --> 00:19:13,237
Yeah, right?
Hey, only one slap left.
455
00:19:13,239 --> 00:19:14,839
Crazy! Where did the time go?
456
00:19:14,841 --> 00:19:15,756
I know, it's, like, uh,
457
00:19:15,758 --> 00:19:17,291
slow down, life,
you know what I mean?
458
00:19:18,411 --> 00:19:20,177
Hey, was that a fake jukebox?
459
00:19:20,179 --> 00:19:21,962
Yeah, yeah, fake jukebox.
Nice, nice.
460
00:19:21,964 --> 00:19:23,414
Aw, man.
All right.
461
00:19:23,416 --> 00:19:24,915
You okay? Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, good.
462
00:19:26,349 --> 00:19:29,407
Ladies and gentlemen,
Boyz II Men.
463
00:19:29,504 --> 00:19:31,837
♪ Ooh-ooh
464
00:19:31,839 --> 00:19:34,457
♪ Ooh
465
00:19:34,459 --> 00:19:37,709
♪ What is this feeling
466
00:19:37,711 --> 00:19:41,647
♪ That's put you
in your place? ♪
467
00:19:41,649 --> 00:19:44,683
♪ A hot red burning
468
00:19:44,685 --> 00:19:47,186
♪ On the side of your face
469
00:19:47,188 --> 00:19:48,487
♪ Ah ♪
470
00:19:48,489 --> 00:19:50,389
♪ You feel the blood rush ♪
471
00:19:50,391 --> 00:19:51,941
♪ To your cheek
472
00:19:51,943 --> 00:19:55,995
♪ Tears start
to fill your eyes ♪
473
00:19:55,997 --> 00:19:59,532
♪ Your lips are trembling,
but you can't speak ♪
474
00:19:59,534 --> 00:20:01,617
♪ You're trying, oh ♪
475
00:20:01,619 --> 00:20:05,955
♪ You're trying not to cry ♪
476
00:20:05,957 --> 00:20:08,140
♪ You just got slapped
477
00:20:08,142 --> 00:20:10,025
♪ Whoa
478
00:20:10,027 --> 00:20:12,628
♪ Across the face, my friend
479
00:20:12,630 --> 00:20:15,747
♪ Yeah, you just got slapped
480
00:20:15,749 --> 00:20:17,466
♪ Oh, yes
481
00:20:17,468 --> 00:20:19,435
♪ It really just happened
482
00:20:19,437 --> 00:20:21,303
♪ Oh, yes, it did ♪
483
00:20:21,305 --> 00:20:25,608
♪ Oh, everybody saw it-- ha!
484
00:20:25,610 --> 00:20:28,727
♪ And everybody laughed
and clapped ♪
485
00:20:28,729 --> 00:20:31,230
♪ Ooh, everybody saw it
486
00:20:31,232 --> 00:20:36,935
♪ Ha! And everybody laughed
and clapped ♪
487
00:20:36,937 --> 00:20:42,708
♪ 'Cause it was awesome ♪
♪ So awesome ♪
488
00:20:42,710 --> 00:20:45,127
♪ The way that you
just got slapped ♪
489
00:20:45,129 --> 00:20:48,631
♪ Ooh, yeah
♪ Slapped ♪
490
00:20:48,633 --> 00:20:51,050
♪ Oh, yeah.
491
00:20:51,052 --> 00:20:56,052
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
492
00:20:57,425 --> 00:20:58,724
One more.
33536
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