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1
00:00:01,135 --> 00:00:02,281
Look at this,
2
00:00:02,282 --> 00:00:04,248
your wedding weekend.
I know.
3
00:00:04,301 --> 00:00:06,552
This close to finally
having sex again.
4
00:00:06,554 --> 00:00:07,987
It's been forever.
5
00:00:07,989 --> 00:00:09,522
Oh, you and Robin
been abstaining?
6
00:00:09,524 --> 00:00:10,489
Talking about you, Ted.
7
00:00:10,491 --> 00:00:12,641
Now here's the deal:
every hookup
8
00:00:12,643 --> 00:00:15,477
at a weekend wedding is decided
at Friday night drinks.
9
00:00:15,479 --> 00:00:17,113
Get stuck with
the wrong girl
10
00:00:17,115 --> 00:00:19,481
tonight, the only action you'll
be getting all weekend
11
00:00:19,483 --> 00:00:22,151
is a self-five,
and I don't mean the cool kind.
12
00:00:22,153 --> 00:00:24,704
Self-five! That's the cool kind.
13
00:00:24,706 --> 00:00:26,172
Well, that's a big decision.
14
00:00:26,174 --> 00:00:28,124
The biggest.
15
00:00:28,126 --> 00:00:31,460
It brings to mind
that religious text
16
00:00:31,462 --> 00:00:33,512
which we hold most sacred:
17
00:00:33,514 --> 00:00:36,983
Indiana Jones andthe Last Crusade.
18
00:00:36,985 --> 00:00:39,685
Remember?
They entered a chamber.
19
00:00:39,687 --> 00:00:42,504
Really? I'm the one working
with the Nazis?
20
00:00:42,506 --> 00:00:45,725
Ted, just... just... okay?
21
00:00:45,727 --> 00:00:48,010
Yeah.
They had to choose
22
00:00:48,012 --> 00:00:50,345
which cup was
this special cup.
23
00:00:50,347 --> 00:00:51,864
I forget what
it was called,
24
00:00:51,866 --> 00:00:53,699
but it's like the
Holy Grail of cups.
25
00:00:53,701 --> 00:00:56,535
It was the Holy Grail.
Of cups, exactly.
26
00:00:56,537 --> 00:00:59,705
So the Nazi confederate
chose, and...
27
00:00:59,707 --> 00:01:01,991
Please don't make me do that...
28
00:01:01,993 --> 00:01:04,460
Ted, Ted, the confederate
Nazi chose, and...? - I...
29
00:01:04,462 --> 00:01:06,045
Okay, okay.
30
00:01:06,047 --> 00:01:07,696
Oh.
31
00:01:12,419 --> 00:01:13,869
And so now I'm gonna explode.
32
00:01:15,256 --> 00:01:17,006
He chose...
33
00:01:17,008 --> 00:01:18,474
poorly.
34
00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:22,561
Then Indy picked
a cup, and...
35
00:01:26,549 --> 00:01:28,317
You chose...
36
00:01:28,319 --> 00:01:29,718
wisely.
37
00:01:36,676 --> 00:01:38,060
So choose wisely, Ted.
38
00:01:38,062 --> 00:01:41,113
To help you decide,
I spent all day yesterday
39
00:01:41,115 --> 00:01:42,531
picking your top
three prospects.
40
00:01:42,533 --> 00:01:43,616
And I helped.
41
00:01:43,618 --> 00:01:45,701
It was either that
or writing our vows.
42
00:01:45,703 --> 00:01:46,752
Uch! Gag.
43
00:01:46,754 --> 00:01:50,039
Sophia was Robin's
college roommate,
44
00:01:50,041 --> 00:01:53,092
and she's apparently "a bit
of a screamer" in the sack.
45
00:01:53,094 --> 00:01:54,409
Yeah, mid-sex,
46
00:01:54,411 --> 00:01:56,679
she sounds exactly like
a car alarm from the '90s.
47
00:01:56,681 --> 00:02:01,767
You know, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo,
ooh-uh, ooh, ah-ah-ah-ah.
48
00:02:01,769 --> 00:02:03,418
Dudes love it.
49
00:02:03,420 --> 00:02:06,522
Cassie is the daughter
of my mom's best friend.
50
00:02:06,524 --> 00:02:09,809
Sad story: 12 years ago,
her gymnast career
51
00:02:09,811 --> 00:02:13,963
was tragically cut short
when her boobs got too big.
52
00:02:14,981 --> 00:02:16,265
Grace is a new coworker.
53
00:02:16,267 --> 00:02:19,285
She's had six different
positions at the firm,
54
00:02:19,287 --> 00:02:21,403
and that was just at
the Christmas party.
55
00:02:21,405 --> 00:02:22,655
Ooh.
56
00:02:22,657 --> 00:02:24,573
So, Grace doesn't arrive till later,
Mm-hmm.
57
00:02:24,575 --> 00:02:27,159
I recommend
Sophia.
58
00:02:27,161 --> 00:02:31,914
I strongly feel that you
should strongly feel her.
59
00:02:31,916 --> 00:02:33,916
I guess it's decided, then.
60
00:02:33,918 --> 00:02:35,701
Ted, right?
Yeah.
61
00:02:35,703 --> 00:02:37,336
I'm Cassie.
62
00:02:37,338 --> 00:02:39,588
Oh... something tells me
63
00:02:39,590 --> 00:02:42,975
that we are gonna have a lot
of fun this weekend.
64
00:02:45,178 --> 00:02:47,062
Cassie. I pick Cassie.
65
00:02:49,983 --> 00:02:52,134
You chose...
66
00:02:52,136 --> 00:02:54,103
poorly.
67
00:02:56,145 --> 00:03:00,145
♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x06 ♪
Knight Vision
Original Air Date on October 21, 2013
68
00:03:00,148 --> 00:03:05,148
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
69
00:03:08,869 --> 00:03:10,319
Hey, there's our minister.
70
00:03:10,321 --> 00:03:12,588
Oh, what a sweet-looking old...
71
00:03:13,456 --> 00:03:15,624
Ah! He looks scary.
72
00:03:15,626 --> 00:03:16,992
Looks can be
deceiving, Lily.
73
00:03:16,994 --> 00:03:18,327
But not in this case.
74
00:03:18,329 --> 00:03:19,795
He's a mean old tool.
75
00:03:21,398 --> 00:03:24,383
Oh, he can't be that bad.
76
00:03:24,385 --> 00:03:26,685
I'll get him to come around.
Just...
77
00:03:28,004 --> 00:03:29,605
Hi, Reverend,
78
00:03:29,607 --> 00:03:32,141
I'm Lily Aldrin,
the maid of honor.
79
00:03:32,143 --> 00:03:33,809
Not too much honor.
80
00:03:33,811 --> 00:03:36,045
You're dressed like a whore.
81
00:03:41,535 --> 00:03:43,669
So what's going on?
Why aren't you telling your wife
82
00:03:43,671 --> 00:03:45,004
you got an offer to be a judge?
83
00:03:45,006 --> 00:03:47,506
Lily had her heart set
on us moving to Rome,
84
00:03:47,508 --> 00:03:49,341
so I have to tell her in person.
85
00:03:49,343 --> 00:03:51,627
That way, I know that I can
convince her
86
00:03:51,629 --> 00:03:53,229
that we need to stay.
87
00:03:53,231 --> 00:03:56,582
In the courtroom,
they call me The Convincer.
88
00:03:56,584 --> 00:03:58,500
They really call you that?
89
00:03:58,502 --> 00:04:01,587
I convinced them
to call me that.
90
00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:03,272
But you have to prepare
for your court cases.
91
00:04:03,274 --> 00:04:05,641
Did you prepare
for talking to Lily?
92
00:04:05,643 --> 00:04:06,909
I don't need to prepare, okay?
93
00:04:06,911 --> 00:04:09,545
I can craft a nice...
94
00:04:09,547 --> 00:04:11,080
thingy.
95
00:04:12,349 --> 00:04:14,133
Oh, wow I'm totally...
96
00:04:14,135 --> 00:04:15,601
the twisty metal thingy?
97
00:04:15,603 --> 00:04:16,518
You're screwed.
98
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,103
I'm screwed!
99
00:04:19,690 --> 00:04:21,723
I'm sorry, Ted, I don't know.
100
00:04:21,725 --> 00:04:23,859
I'm just so tired
of this routine:
101
00:04:23,861 --> 00:04:25,727
we flirt, we have a few drinks,
102
00:04:25,729 --> 00:04:28,080
and then we end the night
with meaningless sex.
103
00:04:28,082 --> 00:04:30,199
Oh...
104
00:04:30,201 --> 00:04:32,334
yeah.
105
00:04:32,336 --> 00:04:33,919
Me, too.
106
00:04:33,921 --> 00:04:36,338
Do you want to start the night
with meaningless sex
107
00:04:36,340 --> 00:04:37,623
and then flirt later?
108
00:04:37,625 --> 00:04:38,907
You are a visionary.
109
00:04:40,328 --> 00:04:41,327
Come on.
110
00:04:42,346 --> 00:04:44,630
Oh! Oh! It's work.
111
00:04:44,632 --> 00:04:46,749
Should I get it or ignore it?
112
00:04:46,751 --> 00:04:48,583
Or get it? Oh, or ignore it?
113
00:04:48,585 --> 00:04:49,885
Um...
Forget it?
114
00:04:49,887 --> 00:04:51,270
You know? Go ahead, get it.
115
00:04:51,272 --> 00:04:52,688
Okay.
116
00:04:52,690 --> 00:04:54,223
Hello?
117
00:04:55,225 --> 00:04:57,092
You chose...
118
00:04:57,094 --> 00:04:58,327
poorly.
119
00:04:58,329 --> 00:05:00,579
I'm fired?
120
00:05:00,581 --> 00:05:02,481
But teaching there
was my dream job!
121
00:05:02,483 --> 00:05:04,566
And you guys
are my only friends.
122
00:05:04,568 --> 00:05:07,602
You all hate me?
123
00:05:07,604 --> 00:05:09,989
Can I at least say
good-bye to all my kids?
124
00:05:09,991 --> 00:05:13,492
My kids all hate me?!
125
00:05:14,996 --> 00:05:16,195
Oh!
126
00:05:16,197 --> 00:05:18,998
Oh. It's okay.
127
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:23,669
So, what were we
about to do?
128
00:05:23,671 --> 00:05:26,005
I think it was
"meaningless" something?
129
00:05:26,007 --> 00:05:27,423
Meaningless socks? No.
130
00:05:28,492 --> 00:05:30,242
No, it wasn't
meaningless socks.
131
00:05:30,244 --> 00:05:32,344
Hey, hi, hi, hi.
132
00:05:32,346 --> 00:05:34,229
Um, so, a little problem.
133
00:05:34,231 --> 00:05:38,267
I was trying really hard
not to offend your minister...
134
00:05:38,269 --> 00:05:42,187
So how did you
and your husband meet?
135
00:05:42,189 --> 00:05:45,024
Oh, it was our first week
of college.
136
00:05:45,026 --> 00:05:47,493
I needed help hooking upmy stereo,
137
00:05:47,495 --> 00:05:51,030
so I walked down the hall,and I just knew
138
00:05:51,032 --> 00:05:52,581
I should knockon this one door.
139
00:05:52,583 --> 00:05:54,583
Marshall opened it.
140
00:05:54,585 --> 00:05:55,934
It was destiny.
141
00:05:55,936 --> 00:05:57,953
Hi.
Hi.
142
00:05:57,955 --> 00:06:00,673
We've been together ever since.
143
00:06:01,558 --> 00:06:03,175
Excuse me!
144
00:06:04,294 --> 00:06:06,095
What did I do wrong?
145
00:06:06,829 --> 00:06:09,348
What did you do wrong?
146
00:06:09,350 --> 00:06:12,051
We really wanted him
to marry us.
147
00:06:12,053 --> 00:06:14,353
His church has cute
coming out the wazoo,
148
00:06:14,355 --> 00:06:16,505
but when we met with him...
149
00:06:16,507 --> 00:06:18,340
No pets in my church.
150
00:06:18,342 --> 00:06:20,926
No casual attire in my church.
151
00:06:20,928 --> 00:06:24,013
No gum.
No sports logos...
152
00:06:24,015 --> 00:06:25,881
Reverend?
More like Never-end.
153
00:06:25,883 --> 00:06:28,567
Prayer-five.
No shouting. No cell phones.
154
00:06:28,569 --> 00:06:29,618
I'll warn you
155
00:06:29,620 --> 00:06:32,855
that I turn down
most wedding requests.
156
00:06:32,857 --> 00:06:36,425
Particularly from boozy,
promiscuous Manhattanites
157
00:06:36,427 --> 00:06:38,911
who only want me
to marry them because
158
00:06:38,913 --> 00:06:43,248
my church has "cute
coming out the wazoo."
159
00:06:43,250 --> 00:06:46,502
That is the total
opposite of us.
160
00:06:46,504 --> 00:06:49,054
People are like that?
161
00:06:49,056 --> 00:06:50,622
Well, then,
how did you two meet?
162
00:06:50,624 --> 00:06:53,642
Oh, um, um...
163
00:06:53,644 --> 00:06:54,709
Um...
164
00:06:54,711 --> 00:06:57,146
Uh, we've been...
dating since college.
165
00:06:57,148 --> 00:06:59,848
We met the
very first week.
166
00:06:59,850 --> 00:07:02,368
I needed helphooking up my stereo,
167
00:07:02,370 --> 00:07:05,687
so I walked down the hall,and I just knew
168
00:07:05,689 --> 00:07:07,740
that I should knockon this one door.
169
00:07:07,742 --> 00:07:09,575
I opened the door.
170
00:07:09,577 --> 00:07:11,110
And it was destiny.
171
00:07:13,413 --> 00:07:14,763
Hi.
172
00:07:14,765 --> 00:07:16,448
Hi.
173
00:07:16,450 --> 00:07:18,733
We've been together ever since!
174
00:07:18,735 --> 00:07:21,069
You stole our story
of how we met?!
175
00:07:21,071 --> 00:07:23,539
We had to! Your story is so sweet!
Mm.
176
00:07:23,541 --> 00:07:25,407
You didn't even kiss
till the third date.
177
00:07:25,409 --> 00:07:27,242
By our third date,
I'd hit more bases
178
00:07:27,244 --> 00:07:29,945
than Bob Hope on a USO tour.
Topical.
179
00:07:29,947 --> 00:07:32,247
Now Reverend Lowell
knows that we lied to him.
180
00:07:32,249 --> 00:07:34,500
What if he cancels
our wedding?
181
00:07:34,502 --> 00:07:36,218
What? That's ridiculous.
182
00:07:36,220 --> 00:07:37,519
Barney, Robin,
I need to speak
183
00:07:37,521 --> 00:07:39,555
with you in private immediately.
184
00:07:40,890 --> 00:07:42,274
And it's not just
losing my job,
185
00:07:42,276 --> 00:07:45,694
my car just got stolen
with all my stuff in it.
186
00:07:45,696 --> 00:07:47,629
And now I think
I'm getting the flu!
187
00:07:47,631 --> 00:07:49,431
I'm sorry.
188
00:07:49,433 --> 00:07:51,567
I've been talking
for, like, a half an hour.
189
00:07:51,569 --> 00:07:53,752
It's fine.
40 minutes. It's fine.
190
00:07:53,754 --> 00:07:56,538
Still, I think I would be able
to handle all of this
191
00:07:56,540 --> 00:08:01,577
if my boyfriend Wesley
hadn't just broken up with me!
192
00:08:10,420 --> 00:08:12,621
Why don't you tell me about it?
193
00:08:12,623 --> 00:08:15,507
Okay! I should go back
to the beginning.
194
00:08:15,509 --> 00:08:17,176
Oh, no, before the beginning.
195
00:08:17,178 --> 00:08:18,560
Winter, 1998...
196
00:08:18,562 --> 00:08:20,128
Man, this girl is a drag!
197
00:08:20,130 --> 00:08:24,233
If I hurry, I bet I still have
a shot with Sophia.
198
00:08:24,235 --> 00:08:26,768
Okay, I'll get one more drinkwith Cassie, then bail.
199
00:08:26,770 --> 00:08:28,353
But where, bar or dining room?
200
00:08:28,355 --> 00:08:30,606
Bar or dining room?
201
00:08:30,608 --> 00:08:32,858
For my fourth date
with Wesley, we went...
202
00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:36,028
Cassie, let's get one more drink
in the dining room.
203
00:08:36,030 --> 00:08:37,880
You chose...
204
00:08:39,866 --> 00:08:41,033
Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!
205
00:08:41,035 --> 00:08:43,118
Hey! We just ordered
appetizers.
206
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,253
Sit down, you two!
207
00:08:45,288 --> 00:08:47,623
...Ha-poorly!
208
00:08:50,344 --> 00:08:53,017
Marshall, you're walking into
the biggest fight of your life.
209
00:08:53,018 --> 00:08:55,602
You have to be prepared.
You have to be tough.
210
00:08:55,604 --> 00:08:57,220
I am tough!
No, you're not.
211
00:08:57,222 --> 00:08:58,388
You make some good points.
212
00:08:58,390 --> 00:09:00,257
Now, what exactly
are you gonna say to Lily
213
00:09:00,259 --> 00:09:01,524
when you walk
through that door?
214
00:09:01,526 --> 00:09:03,143
Okay.
215
00:09:03,145 --> 00:09:04,344
Hey, baby.
216
00:09:04,346 --> 00:09:05,862
So, listen,
I got this phone call...
217
00:09:05,864 --> 00:09:07,330
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
218
00:09:07,332 --> 00:09:08,565
You haven't seen her in a week.
219
00:09:08,567 --> 00:09:10,901
Where's the "I missed you"?
How about a kiss?
220
00:09:10,903 --> 00:09:12,786
Nothing about her new hairstyle?
221
00:09:12,788 --> 00:09:14,237
Hairstyle?
I can't actually see...
222
00:09:14,239 --> 00:09:15,322
Start over!
223
00:09:15,873 --> 00:09:17,774
Lily! Hi.
224
00:09:17,776 --> 00:09:19,042
Mmm.
225
00:09:19,044 --> 00:09:20,043
I missed you.
226
00:09:20,045 --> 00:09:22,462
And your hairstyle so much.
227
00:09:22,464 --> 00:09:23,713
I missed you, too.
228
00:09:23,715 --> 00:09:27,150
I can't wait to show you
how much in bed tonight.
229
00:09:27,152 --> 00:09:28,418
Okay, that's creepy.
230
00:09:28,420 --> 00:09:29,552
Don't break character.
231
00:09:29,554 --> 00:09:31,137
Okay, um...
232
00:09:31,139 --> 00:09:33,957
So, listen, I got this
phone call last week, and I...
233
00:09:33,959 --> 00:09:35,342
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
234
00:09:35,344 --> 00:09:37,177
Acknowledge her own views
on the matter first.
235
00:09:37,179 --> 00:09:38,595
Start over.
236
00:09:39,363 --> 00:09:40,847
Lily, hi, mwah.
237
00:09:40,849 --> 00:09:42,315
I missed you
and your hairstyle so much.
238
00:09:42,317 --> 00:09:43,800
I missed you, too.
239
00:09:43,802 --> 00:09:46,670
Okay, so, I know
that you're excited for Rome.
240
00:09:46,672 --> 00:09:48,521
I'm more excited
for bed tonight.
241
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:53,109
While I was away,
uh, I got a phone call.
242
00:09:53,111 --> 00:09:54,828
To be a judge.
243
00:09:54,830 --> 00:09:56,012
What the damn hell?!
244
00:09:56,014 --> 00:09:57,146
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
245
00:09:57,148 --> 00:09:59,332
Lily does not say
"What the damn hell."
246
00:09:59,334 --> 00:10:00,917
Well, I've never met her
but, yes, she does.
247
00:10:00,919 --> 00:10:02,585
You make some good points.
Wow.
248
00:10:02,587 --> 00:10:04,387
You are terrible at this.
249
00:10:05,339 --> 00:10:06,823
Why did we lie?
250
00:10:06,825 --> 00:10:08,291
We have to come clean.
251
00:10:08,293 --> 00:10:10,944
Frankly,
I am appalled.
252
00:10:10,946 --> 00:10:12,345
I know. I...
Your friend
253
00:10:12,347 --> 00:10:15,899
Lily just tried to pass off
your sweet story
254
00:10:15,901 --> 00:10:18,852
of how you met as her own.
255
00:10:19,971 --> 00:10:22,639
That lying little tart!
I am horrified and relieved!
256
00:10:22,641 --> 00:10:26,609
Does Lily have any... problems
that you're aware of?
257
00:10:26,611 --> 00:10:27,861
Drinking.
Drugs.
258
00:10:27,863 --> 00:10:31,180
She's been drinking drugs.
259
00:10:31,182 --> 00:10:32,449
Well,
260
00:10:32,451 --> 00:10:34,350
I talked to Barney
and Robin,
261
00:10:34,352 --> 00:10:36,369
and, let me say, I'm shocked.
262
00:10:36,371 --> 00:10:37,871
You should be.
263
00:10:37,873 --> 00:10:39,656
Flat-out lying to me like that?
264
00:10:39,658 --> 00:10:41,755
We are not misunderstanding
each other.
265
00:10:41,780 --> 00:10:45,263
How dare you pretend their
beautiful story is actually your own.
266
00:10:45,363 --> 00:10:47,047
Come again for Lil' Fudge?
267
00:10:47,049 --> 00:10:48,465
I understand the temptation.
268
00:10:48,467 --> 00:10:50,366
They're such a sweet couple.
269
00:10:50,368 --> 00:10:51,885
I mean, the way
they call each other
270
00:10:51,887 --> 00:10:54,387
Barnmallow and Robinpad.
271
00:10:54,389 --> 00:10:56,706
Oh.
272
00:10:56,708 --> 00:10:58,374
Yes.
273
00:10:58,376 --> 00:11:00,677
I do steal
their stories.
274
00:11:00,679 --> 00:11:02,395
Mm-hmm.
But only because
275
00:11:02,397 --> 00:11:03,763
my husband and I
276
00:11:03,765 --> 00:11:06,883
are so ashamed
of how we met.
277
00:11:06,885 --> 00:11:09,853
See, we only metbecause his friend Ted
278
00:11:09,855 --> 00:11:11,187
fell in love with me.
279
00:11:11,189 --> 00:11:12,906
And who could blame him?
280
00:11:12,908 --> 00:11:14,107
Hey, Marshall.
281
00:11:14,109 --> 00:11:15,275
See that girl?
282
00:11:15,277 --> 00:11:16,693
Oh, yeah.
283
00:11:16,695 --> 00:11:18,578
You just know
she likes it dirty.
284
00:11:18,580 --> 00:11:19,896
Go say hi.
What?
285
00:11:19,898 --> 00:11:21,934
I can't just go say hi.
I-I need a plan.
286
00:11:21,935 --> 00:11:22,443
Hmm.
287
00:11:22,468 --> 00:11:23,834
I'm gonna wait until
she goes to the bathroom...
288
00:11:23,835 --> 00:11:24,834
Hi.
289
00:11:24,836 --> 00:11:26,536
Have you met Ted?
290
00:11:26,538 --> 00:11:28,071
I'm sorry,
291
00:11:28,073 --> 00:11:30,090
I can't...
292
00:11:30,092 --> 00:11:31,591
And now, after years of lying,
293
00:11:31,593 --> 00:11:32,909
cheating and backsliding,
294
00:11:32,911 --> 00:11:34,227
here we are, married!
295
00:11:34,229 --> 00:11:35,962
But what can I say?
296
00:11:35,964 --> 00:11:37,797
My husband's a sociopath
297
00:11:37,799 --> 00:11:39,265
who's slept with over
a hundred women,
298
00:11:39,267 --> 00:11:42,552
and I'm a slut who once let
my boss feel me up.
299
00:11:42,554 --> 00:11:43,603
Oh, come on!
300
00:11:43,605 --> 00:11:45,555
I felt him up!
It is over 250 women!
301
00:11:45,557 --> 00:11:47,857
If you two want to get married
in my church,
302
00:11:47,859 --> 00:11:49,926
you'll stop breaking
the ninth commandment.
303
00:11:49,928 --> 00:11:51,644
Uh...
no fat chicks?
304
00:11:51,646 --> 00:11:53,146
Thou shalt not lie!
305
00:11:53,148 --> 00:11:55,431
With fat chicks?
306
00:11:55,433 --> 00:11:57,817
You're killing me.
You're killing me.
307
00:11:57,819 --> 00:11:58,952
Now that...
308
00:11:58,954 --> 00:12:00,436
was a good dessert.
309
00:12:00,438 --> 00:12:03,289
"Dessert" sounds like "desert."
310
00:12:03,291 --> 00:12:06,776
The desert
has sand...
311
00:12:06,778 --> 00:12:08,812
there's sand
at the beach...
312
00:12:08,814 --> 00:12:10,880
and Wesley and I
313
00:12:10,882 --> 00:12:13,049
once drove by a beach.
314
00:12:14,052 --> 00:12:15,952
Excuse me.
315
00:12:18,006 --> 00:12:19,789
Now's my chance to leave.
316
00:12:19,791 --> 00:12:21,257
No, I'll wait five more seconds
317
00:12:21,259 --> 00:12:22,675
so I don't seem too eager.
318
00:12:22,677 --> 00:12:23,643
Four...
319
00:12:23,645 --> 00:12:24,677
three...
320
00:12:24,679 --> 00:12:25,812
two...
321
00:12:25,814 --> 00:12:27,730
Well, thanks for keeping
our daughter company.
322
00:12:27,732 --> 00:12:29,132
Man, she can be
a real drag, huh?
323
00:12:29,134 --> 00:12:32,318
We're gonna go have
a little fun. See ya!
324
00:12:34,906 --> 00:12:37,657
You're on fire tonight, bro.
325
00:12:38,742 --> 00:12:41,027
But, Lily, being a judge
is my dream job.
326
00:12:41,029 --> 00:12:42,529
So your dream job
327
00:12:42,531 --> 00:12:44,114
is more important
than my dream job?
328
00:12:44,116 --> 00:12:46,116
Exactly.
Now you're getting it.
329
00:12:46,118 --> 00:12:47,534
Nope.
330
00:12:47,536 --> 00:12:48,551
Start over.
331
00:12:48,553 --> 00:12:50,036
So your dream job's
332
00:12:50,038 --> 00:12:51,838
more important
than my dream job?
333
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:54,541
But, baby, you already have
the best job in the world:
334
00:12:54,543 --> 00:12:56,009
Mom.
Nope.
335
00:12:56,011 --> 00:12:57,076
Start over.
336
00:12:57,078 --> 00:12:58,962
So your dream job's
more important
337
00:12:58,964 --> 00:13:00,096
than my dream job?
338
00:13:00,098 --> 00:13:03,166
Hey, I gave up peeing
in the shower for you.
339
00:13:03,168 --> 00:13:04,184
Nope.
340
00:13:04,186 --> 00:13:05,218
Start over.
341
00:13:05,220 --> 00:13:06,553
So your dream job's
342
00:13:06,555 --> 00:13:08,388
more important
than my dream job?
343
00:13:08,390 --> 00:13:09,505
Of course not.
344
00:13:09,507 --> 00:13:10,740
But this isn't
345
00:13:10,742 --> 00:13:12,475
just about our future.
346
00:13:12,477 --> 00:13:14,060
It's about everyone's.
347
00:13:14,062 --> 00:13:15,061
As a lawyer,
348
00:13:15,063 --> 00:13:16,729
I couldn't stop big oil
from polluting,
349
00:13:16,731 --> 00:13:18,231
but as a judge...
350
00:13:18,233 --> 00:13:19,482
well, maybe I can.
351
00:13:19,484 --> 00:13:21,284
And that's why I took the job.
352
00:13:22,019 --> 00:13:23,186
You've just been "convincered."
353
00:13:23,188 --> 00:13:24,487
Wait.
354
00:13:24,489 --> 00:13:26,372
You already took the job?
355
00:13:26,374 --> 00:13:28,158
Without even talking
to your wife?
356
00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:29,859
Start over.
357
00:13:29,861 --> 00:13:31,244
Start over... start over.
358
00:13:31,246 --> 00:13:33,213
What the damn hell?!
359
00:13:34,748 --> 00:13:36,299
Hi, Reverend
Lowell?
360
00:13:36,301 --> 00:13:38,301
Whew.
Made it through my half.
361
00:13:38,303 --> 00:13:39,869
You're up.
362
00:13:39,871 --> 00:13:41,054
Oh. Uh...
363
00:13:41,056 --> 00:13:43,289
The-the truth is,
we-we have
364
00:13:43,291 --> 00:13:45,141
a complicated,
messy history
365
00:13:45,143 --> 00:13:46,726
that-that we're
not too proud of.
366
00:13:46,728 --> 00:13:48,011
But...
367
00:13:48,013 --> 00:13:49,345
we're sorry
that we lied,
368
00:13:49,347 --> 00:13:52,999
and hope that
you can forgive us.
369
00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:57,904
Nope, I can't do it.
370
00:13:57,906 --> 00:13:59,939
You're going to have
to find a new officiant.
371
00:13:59,941 --> 00:14:01,224
Okay.
372
00:14:01,226 --> 00:14:02,325
Well, these
things happen.
373
00:14:02,327 --> 00:14:03,359
And a new church.
374
00:14:03,361 --> 00:14:05,828
What the damn hell?!
375
00:14:06,780 --> 00:14:09,749
This evening could notget any worse.
376
00:14:09,751 --> 00:14:11,618
Whenever you're ready.
Crap!
377
00:14:13,721 --> 00:14:14,871
Hey, Ted.
378
00:14:14,873 --> 00:14:16,589
Thanks for
being so great.
379
00:14:16,591 --> 00:14:18,608
I'm lucky to have you
around this weekend.
380
00:14:18,610 --> 00:14:20,593
Ooh, yeah...
381
00:14:20,595 --> 00:14:22,095
About that...
382
00:14:22,097 --> 00:14:25,014
I should really go see
about the, uh...
383
00:14:25,016 --> 00:14:26,883
So, sex?
My room is very close.
384
00:14:28,637 --> 00:14:29,903
Sophia. Hi.
385
00:14:29,905 --> 00:14:31,221
Oh, God. Wesley.
386
00:14:31,223 --> 00:14:33,523
Wait. Wait, you're Wesley?
387
00:14:33,525 --> 00:14:35,058
Hey, Cassie.
388
00:14:35,060 --> 00:14:37,260
Your parents were just saying
you have a new boyfriend.
389
00:14:37,262 --> 00:14:39,646
"Boyfriend" is
a little premature.
390
00:14:39,648 --> 00:14:40,980
Though I did
pay for dinner.
391
00:14:40,982 --> 00:14:43,432
Ted and I are
very happy.
392
00:14:43,434 --> 00:14:44,784
Are we?
393
00:14:44,786 --> 00:14:48,071
Even if... he'll
never replace you.
394
00:14:52,509 --> 00:14:53,826
So, Sophia. Hi.
395
00:14:53,828 --> 00:14:54,844
I'm Ted.
396
00:14:54,846 --> 00:14:56,713
Robin's friend.
397
00:14:56,715 --> 00:14:58,447
What do you say we give
these two old flames
398
00:14:58,449 --> 00:15:00,383
a chance to...
catch up alone,
399
00:15:00,385 --> 00:15:01,968
and maybe you and I
could go get a drink.
400
00:15:01,970 --> 00:15:03,386
Are you hitting on me?
Dude!
401
00:15:03,388 --> 00:15:04,671
Ted, let's go!
402
00:15:08,642 --> 00:15:10,877
You tip...
403
00:15:12,063 --> 00:15:13,680
...poorly.
404
00:15:17,704 --> 00:15:20,012
Look, I know. I shouldn't
have taken the job
405
00:15:20,013 --> 00:15:21,095
without telling Lily.
406
00:15:21,097 --> 00:15:22,847
Why are you so ticked off
about it?
407
00:15:22,849 --> 00:15:25,016
Because I know
what she's going through.
408
00:15:25,018 --> 00:15:26,067
I always dreamed
409
00:15:26,069 --> 00:15:28,620
of having a career
I could be proud of,
410
00:15:28,622 --> 00:15:30,705
but my husband never
supported me.
411
00:15:30,707 --> 00:15:31,890
Eventually,
412
00:15:31,892 --> 00:15:34,676
I had to... make a choice.
413
00:15:34,678 --> 00:15:35,743
Now, every day,
414
00:15:35,745 --> 00:15:36,961
I'm out there,
415
00:15:36,963 --> 00:15:39,130
I'm fighting for the good guys,
and I love it.
416
00:15:39,132 --> 00:15:40,398
Doesn't
417
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:41,916
your wife deserve th, too?
418
00:15:41,918 --> 00:15:46,004
Wow. Um, maybe
you're right.
419
00:15:46,006 --> 00:15:49,340
I didn't realize how many
sacrifices you'd made.
420
00:15:50,359 --> 00:15:51,976
What is it you do, anyway?
421
00:15:51,978 --> 00:15:53,761
I'm a lobbyist
for a big oil company.
422
00:15:53,763 --> 00:15:55,379
What the damn hell?!
423
00:15:57,382 --> 00:15:58,733
You know
that I'm an environmentalist!
424
00:15:58,735 --> 00:16:00,384
That's why you don't want me
to become a judge.
425
00:16:00,386 --> 00:16:02,219
But you're the reason
I have to become a judge!
426
00:16:02,221 --> 00:16:04,689
You're the devil incarnate!
And outcarnate!
427
00:16:04,691 --> 00:16:06,891
Every kind of carnate!
428
00:16:08,460 --> 00:16:09,644
Please, is-is there
429
00:16:09,646 --> 00:16:10,878
any way you'd reconsider?
430
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:12,580
No! No, no!
431
00:16:12,582 --> 00:16:14,749
You two are both
terrible people.
432
00:16:14,751 --> 00:16:17,819
Who found each other
in this crazy world!
433
00:16:17,821 --> 00:16:19,170
Aw!
434
00:16:19,172 --> 00:16:21,739
And who lie
about how they found each other.
435
00:16:21,741 --> 00:16:23,958
So, please leave now. Just...
436
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:26,044
Ugh! Ugh!
437
00:16:26,046 --> 00:16:28,346
You know what?
You're right.
438
00:16:28,348 --> 00:16:30,748
We shouldn't have lied
about our story.
439
00:16:31,433 --> 00:16:32,850
I love our story.
440
00:16:32,852 --> 00:16:34,802
Sure, it's messy,
but it's the story
441
00:16:34,804 --> 00:16:37,188
that got us here,
about to get married.
442
00:16:37,190 --> 00:16:39,524
I love it, too.
443
00:16:39,526 --> 00:16:41,492
Every messy chapter.
444
00:16:41,494 --> 00:16:43,978
I love that you slept
with over 250 women
445
00:16:43,980 --> 00:16:46,114
before deciding that
I was your favorite.
446
00:16:46,116 --> 00:16:47,282
This is killing me.
447
00:16:47,284 --> 00:16:48,833
And I love
that we just had
448
00:16:48,835 --> 00:16:50,434
to keep having sex
with each other,
449
00:16:50,436 --> 00:16:51,903
even when we were dating
other people.
450
00:16:51,905 --> 00:16:53,437
This is really killing me.
451
00:16:53,439 --> 00:16:55,106
And I love that your
marriage proposal
452
00:16:55,108 --> 00:16:57,208
involved a strip
club, lying to me,
453
00:16:57,210 --> 00:17:01,095
and pretending to bang the
woman I hate for two months.
454
00:17:01,097 --> 00:17:02,664
I love that we keep
a running tally
455
00:17:02,666 --> 00:17:04,248
of all the different rooms
we've had sex in.
456
00:17:04,250 --> 00:17:07,502
I love that two weeks ago, we
put this room on that list.
457
00:17:07,504 --> 00:17:09,420
Huh? Come on, Rev.
458
00:17:09,422 --> 00:17:11,622
That's got to be worth
some kind of reaction, right?
459
00:17:11,624 --> 00:17:13,858
I mean, right where
your hymnal is, is where we...
460
00:17:13,860 --> 00:17:16,010
we...
461
00:17:30,242 --> 00:17:33,494
Well, that's not what you want.
462
00:17:38,752 --> 00:17:40,651
Um, are...
are you okay?
463
00:17:40,653 --> 00:17:43,955
I think... think maybe seeing
your ex was a bit much for you.
464
00:17:43,957 --> 00:17:46,174
No. Not at all.
465
00:17:46,176 --> 00:17:48,176
I want... only you.
466
00:17:48,178 --> 00:17:49,927
Oh, yeah.
467
00:17:49,929 --> 00:17:53,097
I want to...
I want to rock your world.
468
00:17:53,099 --> 00:17:55,433
And you're so hot.
469
00:17:55,435 --> 00:17:59,137
I want to ride you
like a bronco.
470
00:17:59,139 --> 00:18:01,422
Okay, Cassie. Cassie.
471
00:18:01,424 --> 00:18:03,507
Yeah, we...
we can't do this.
472
00:18:03,509 --> 00:18:04,809
I mean, you're crying.
473
00:18:06,062 --> 00:18:07,445
And contagious.
474
00:18:07,447 --> 00:18:08,780
You're-you're having
475
00:18:08,782 --> 00:18:10,148
a really, really bad week.
476
00:18:10,150 --> 00:18:12,150
I think... I think
you should just
477
00:18:12,152 --> 00:18:14,752
take it easy.
478
00:18:14,754 --> 00:18:15,870
You're right.
479
00:18:15,872 --> 00:18:18,373
I'm not in a good place.
No.
480
00:18:18,375 --> 00:18:19,457
Oh, wow.
481
00:18:19,459 --> 00:18:21,459
I probably would have
let you do
482
00:18:21,461 --> 00:18:24,195
all sorts of crazy things to me.
483
00:18:27,549 --> 00:18:29,300
Exactly.
484
00:18:29,302 --> 00:18:31,335
I release you.
485
00:18:31,337 --> 00:18:33,638
Go have fun this weekend.
486
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:35,223
Meet someone else.
487
00:18:35,225 --> 00:18:37,058
Yes! Yes! Be cool.
Okay.
488
00:18:37,060 --> 00:18:39,060
But I couldn'tmeet someone else.
489
00:18:39,062 --> 00:18:41,062
Hey, Ted?
Yeah.
490
00:18:41,064 --> 00:18:42,213
Everyone here is saying
491
00:18:42,215 --> 00:18:44,515
you and Cassie are the
couple of the weekend.
492
00:18:44,517 --> 00:18:45,850
How great is that?
493
00:18:45,852 --> 00:18:47,735
Barney was right.
494
00:18:47,737 --> 00:18:50,605
I'd chosen poorly,everyone had seen us together,
495
00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:52,723
and now the whole weekendseemed lost.
496
00:18:52,725 --> 00:18:55,159
Until...
497
00:18:55,161 --> 00:18:57,561
Hi. I just got here.
498
00:18:57,563 --> 00:18:59,447
Did I miss anything?
499
00:18:59,449 --> 00:19:02,417
Not at all. Grace, right?
500
00:19:02,419 --> 00:19:05,620
I'm Ted. Let's get you a drink
before you talk to anyone else
501
00:19:05,622 --> 00:19:07,839
or hear anything.
502
00:19:09,174 --> 00:19:10,858
Hey, guys.
How's your night going?
503
00:19:10,860 --> 00:19:12,176
Ugh!
Ugh!
504
00:19:12,178 --> 00:19:13,928
Our minister just died.
505
00:19:13,930 --> 00:19:15,913
Wh...?
We can still use the church,
506
00:19:15,915 --> 00:19:17,765
but we only have two days
to find a new officiant.
507
00:19:17,767 --> 00:19:19,133
Unless...
508
00:19:19,243 --> 00:19:20,334
Wedding at Bernie's!
509
00:19:20,335 --> 00:19:21,835
We're not doing
Wedding at Bernie's!
510
00:19:21,837 --> 00:19:24,754
Wow. Oh, that's terrible.
511
00:19:24,756 --> 00:19:26,723
Should I make a toast
in his honor?
512
00:19:26,725 --> 00:19:28,308
No.
513
00:19:28,310 --> 00:19:29,726
Of course I should.
514
00:19:30,678 --> 00:19:32,128
Everyone?
515
00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:33,763
To Reverend Lowell.
516
00:19:33,765 --> 00:19:35,732
He may have
passed away
517
00:19:35,734 --> 00:19:37,133
tonight, but
he will always...
518
00:19:37,135 --> 00:19:39,169
Uncle Robert died?!
519
00:19:39,987 --> 00:19:41,571
Oh, no.
520
00:19:50,032 --> 00:19:51,832
Have a nice weekend.
521
00:19:51,834 --> 00:19:54,784
All that night, I did nothingbut choose poorly.
522
00:19:54,786 --> 00:19:56,169
But thanks to Cassie,
523
00:19:56,171 --> 00:19:58,722
I didn't get togetherwith anyone at that wedding.
524
00:19:58,724 --> 00:20:00,040
And if I had,
525
00:20:00,042 --> 00:20:04,127
well, then, your motherand I might never have met.
526
00:20:04,129 --> 00:20:07,997
So, maybe, in a way,I chose wisely.
527
00:20:08,712 --> 00:20:11,692
Boo-uh! Boo-uh! Eee!
528
00:20:11,693 --> 00:20:13,526
Although, it sure as heck
529
00:20:13,528 --> 00:20:14,745
didn't feel like itat the time.
530
00:20:14,746 --> 00:20:16,029
Aah! Aah! Aah!
531
00:20:17,666 --> 00:20:19,532
She chose...
532
00:20:19,534 --> 00:20:20,917
Wesley.
533
00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:24,838
I've been dying
to say that one all night.
534
00:20:26,657 --> 00:20:28,625
Look, I'm sorry
I yelled at you.
535
00:20:28,627 --> 00:20:29,992
The truth is, you're right.
536
00:20:29,994 --> 00:20:32,829
It was wrong of me to take
that job without telling Lily.
537
00:20:32,831 --> 00:20:35,799
I don't need to be tough
with her. I need to be fair.
538
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:37,434
Thanks, Marshall.
Mm.
539
00:20:37,436 --> 00:20:39,552
I should also apologize.
540
00:20:39,554 --> 00:20:41,771
While you were filling the tank,
541
00:20:41,773 --> 00:20:44,357
I may have been so angry,
542
00:20:44,359 --> 00:20:47,544
I texted your wife with the news
543
00:20:47,546 --> 00:20:50,213
that you took that judge offer.
544
00:20:52,034 --> 00:20:53,950
Don't forget
to compliment her hair.
545
00:20:53,952 --> 00:20:58,952
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man37400
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