Original subtitles

God, are we old. Jesus God.

I mean, I'm just fucking sitting here,

making sloppy joes, waiting for my friends to come over.

So sad.

Hopefully there's enough for everybody.

Oh, I have chips.

This is like coming to Grandma's house for lunch.

Sloppy joes and chips.

Anybody want some juice?

SmartLess.

SmartLess.

- How are you? - Pretty good.

All right, I need keys, and I need a phone.

- Hi. - Hi.

It's not a great day to wear a Swade shirt,

but I'm assuming it's gonna be air-conditioned on the inside.

Jay.

So hilarious.

Gas-X.

- Hi! - Hi.

- How was your rest last night? - It was great.

- Yeah? - How about yours?

- Pretty good. Seven hours. - Yeah?

How does it feel right now? Doesn't it feel weird to have

- taken a couple days off, and now we're back? - Yes.

And we're here. We just came from our own homes. It's bizarre.

Self-drive, you know?

It feels like, "Oh, should we bother?"

With the shows?

Yeah.

Like, do we need to do this?

- Right, Jay? - Yes, yes.

- Don't you think? - You wanna cancel?

Is that an option?

No, I'm actually friggin' pumped for tonight.

Me too. I'm super excited.

God, I'm gonna be the one dragging.

You wanna take a quick nappy after we're done with this? You have time.

- You have two hours. - I'll be fine.

Are you sick? Did you not get rest last night?

- I'm just tired. - Oh...

...don't mind if I do.

Careful of the sugar. It'll drop you off a cliff.

Not me.

Homework, okay?

It's important.

And it had to be done in these chairs. I had them flown in.

Um...

This is what keeps me classy. I need to be in classy stuff.

- I'm gonna go potty. - What day off?

- Somebody in here? - You have to shit again?

- No, I gotta go potty. I gotta evacuate. - I did. Twice.

- Since we've been here? - Yeah.

Will you just move this way? Just a little bit?

- Twice. In there. - What'd he say?

Nothing. Don't tell him yet. 'Cause he sits.

- 'Cause he sits. - 'Cause I sit?

That was free shit.

Everything okay? You tear anything?

- Yeah, a little bit. I tore one up in there. - I know.

I'm sorry, the building asked me to take a photo.

It's just for insurance.

Jason, since you're a guest. And you're gonna sit far side of the couch?

I think so, yeah.

Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna sit far side as well, 'cause I spent the last

- four shows looking at the back of the guests. - Oh, okay. Okay.

And so, like, I'm mad at it and I'm dressing it up with a smile.

- But I was super angry. - Uh, seems like you're still angry.

No, I'm not. I'm smiling.

Wait. Can I just ask you something? Can we talk through the thing?

- Yeah, we're gonna walk it. - We're gonna walk it.

When we land in our spot, we'll be able to pause. And then we can do our...

They'll give us the sign that our mics are hot and

we'll do our regular cold opens. Everybody cool with that? Is that kosher?

- I guess. It passes the test. - Well, let me tell you something.

Sometimes in life, things come at you. And you gotta be ready for 'em.

Because you never know, when you're gonna get another chance.

Sorry, I turned it into The Musical.

- Isn't that how all they all start in Broadway? - Chance. Chance, chance.

Musicals. They always start like that.

- Hey don't worry about shutting the door. - Sometimes it's harder,

- to take a chance. - Hey, man.

This is a family show.

Oh, come on in!

- Oh, Archie A! Archie Abel! - Hi, bud.

- Hi, Abe. Hi, Watt. - Hi, dad.

What's up?

Success.

No. Let me show you what the move of a germaphobe is. You ready?

This is something I've just incorporated into my program.

Right here. Ready? Oh.

This doesn't count because it doesn't have a faucet.

But if it had turnies on it, what you do is,

you wash your hands. You get 'em all clean.

And you dry your hands while the water is still running, so you don't touch

the little hoo-hahs. The little levers.

The faucet. The handles. Whatever the--

So the water would still be on, the water would still be on, I'm wasting water, but I'm

okay about it for a brief moment.

Then you turn them off with this.

You then go handle, here, kick, and throw.

Backstage?

Yeah, that'll be cool.

They can stand on the side if they want to.

Yeah.

Love you, love you, love you.

See you soon. Bye bye bye. Okay.

You see Archie coming in, he's like... When you see he's got his buddy with him, he's like,

-"Hey, Dad." - I know.

Is he not normally like that?

No, he's just being very, like, "Hey, Dad. What's going on?"

- So cute. - I know, so sweet.

My baby.

- I love both of them so much. - Yeah.

- Hey, J. Did we figure out your mic yet? - I mean...

For fuck's sake. Hello?

- Okay. - Will they be walking past here?

Will they be here by the end of tonight?

Okay. Hey, thanks for working with us.

- Oh, Jesus. - You're really fast.

- Sammy. - Watch your head.

- We're ready? - No, we're not...

Did you say the guest is ready?

- Okay, so it's a he. - Oh, is it a male?

So it's a he. Great. Good to know.

Hello Los Angeles!

We legit can't believe you guys listened to the podcast.

Yeah, that's really been a min-blower.

So, first of all, thank you for doing that.

We do feel like when you listen to the podcast,

since you could fast forward all the crap parts,

or just go to a different episode, here you're trapped.

- Yeah. - So we feel like we do have to juice it a little bit so--

Do you feel like people maybe double time or double speed your questions?

They have to.

'Cause that's a really good SmartLess hack.

They did laugh and applaud like they know exactly what you're talking about.

But Sean, you got a hard out tonight, right? 'Cause you gotta get back to camp?

- I... - Yeah, 'cause you're dressed like...

- He's got his whistle in his pocket. - Yeah.

- And the other one is giving a high five. - No.

You look very, very cute.

I look a little child-like, which is very scary for a 51 year-old.

I was trying to think of a good LA story, like when I first moved here.

Oh, settle in, everybody.

- Somebody's prepped a little bit. - No.

I was... Just before I...

Does it involve the 101?

- Boy, traffic is terrible. - Oh, God.

No, when I first moved here and I got Will Grace, I went to--

- Hold for applause. - Yeah.

I didn't have two nickels to rub together. I had no money.

And the producers invited us out to a dinner.

So I drove my Toyota Corolla, which had a hubcap missing, and a window out...

- ...with the, you know-- - Plastic?

- Yeah, plastic. - And duct tape?

Yes, absolutely. 100 per cent.

- Come on. - I swear to God.

- And so I drove-- - Is that the car you drove from Chicago?

- Yes, yes. And it broke down in Colorado. - It is?

- And I paid some guy, I don't know. - A mechanic, hopefully.

I don't know.

Not just some guy on the road.

So I get to the restaurant, extra early because I'm so nervous about--

- Were you embarrassed about... - I was embarrassed of my car

because it was, like, pieced together with scotch tape.

So I got there, I went in. And then before the dinner was over, I kinda left early

so that I could get my car from the valet and leave before they could see me.

So, I'm like, "Bye, everybody. Oh, my God I'm so excited."

I come out to the valet and I'm standing there.

And then Jimmy Burrows, Debra, Megan, Eric,

the producers, couple writers, and now we're all standing there.

I'm like, "Oh, my God."

And so, he pulls the car up, and it's, like, you know, barely getting there.

The last hubcap rolls off.

And I say to the valet, I go, 'What did you do to my car?"

Oh, my God.

First of all, it was a Porsche and now it's not a Porsche anymore.

Now, ironically you did end up getting a Porsche?

- They gave everybody a Porsche on the show. - Right.

Which is also embarrassing, but I also didn't have money when they gave me a Porsche,

so I'm like, give me the fucking money. What do I need another car for?

But it was very, very kind of them.

- You sold it, right? - Right away.

I had to pay my rent.

- So let's get a guest out here. - All right. Let's get a guest.

Our guest tonight is a force, a comedic firehose.

This man can't be contained. His energy and positivity is infectious, y'all.

He's done tons of movies, TV shows, released multiple comedy albums and specials.

He's got 45 nominations for everything from Emmys to Grammys.

He's got a frickin' video game I think. Somehow though, he's been nice enough

to pull it over to the side, give us a little time for a chat and giggle.

Here on the SmartLess couch, gang, buckle up it's the one and only, Kevin Hart!

- Will! - Hey, buddy.

Man, I can't wait. He owes me a movie.

Right?

- Hello, hello, hello. - Kevin Hart!

What up?

I want you...

I want you guys to lower your expectations because I've been drinking.

- Just lower. Lower 'em down. - That's fair. Fair warning.

- It's tequila. - Whoa.

- Wow. Good for you. - Is that really?

- And then behind there is just a chest full of weed, right? - Some shit. Some shit here.

- Good for you. - Sit back on the couch.

What? What's your fucking problem?

Yeah!

- Sean's in charge of blocking. - Yeah, he really just pushed me back.

Get the fuck back, Kevin.

By the way, I'm such a huge fan. You've been on my list to come on as well,

but I can't believe Jason had you out.

I cornered him and he really didn't have a chance to say no I apologize for that.

No, you didn't corner me. Look, you guys got a good thing going here.

You got a great thing. Actually, you got a fantastic thing. You got a fucking crowd

full of people to support you guys.

That's them.

And I'll be honest.

I'll be honest. And this is only for you guys, I thought it was Ozark.

I did.

I just found out just now this isn't Ozark.

No, on a serious note, Jason Bateman, to me, is Hollywood Royalty.

- That's the tequila talking. - Definition. Will falls in this category too.

- Sean... - Uhh...

- You shouldn't have pushed him. - He did push me.

Congratulations, you guys.

Now, this is very foreign to us.

- But you have spent a lot of time in front of audiences. - Yeah, yeah.

- Doing stand-up, doing specials. - Yeah.

You played in front of 55,000 people in Philadelphia for your last special?

Yeah, I'll tell you guys. This is intimate. This is nice.

Kevin, we first met over 20 years ago. You were a stand-up.

Wha...?

- True. It was true. - Do you have an apology to make?

And I got this great photo that's now at my house.

And, like, Kevin, Seth Rogen, me, Amy, January Jones,

Jason Segal, Nick Stoller, Judd Apatow...

Guess who I was. Guess.

No. Not gonna do it.

- Take a guess. Say it. Say it. - You're not gonna get me cancelled tonight.

I'm gonna make it one more day.

I've got...

I've got questions that I've gone over here that are cancel-proof.

All right, you passed that test. All right.

Can I guess? You're the black one!

There you go!

Yes. Yes. By the way, you're done, buddy.

You're done. That's right.

By the way, I'm a huge Shark Tank fan,

- and I saw you on Shark Tank, and I was blown away. - Thank you, man.

Were you pitching something or judging?

- No no. - What the fuck is that?

- I've not seen the show. - I'm the shark.

So you weren't pitching, like, "I got an idea?"

- I don't know! - No, no, no.

I'm Kevin Hart, bitch!

I'm not pitching the idea.

But hang on. If I've got some great idea for the new Swift or something,

I don't wanna fund that. I want Mark Cuban to fund that.

So I'm gonna go on the show and I'm gonna pitch him.

That's stupid 'cause you could just call Mark Cuban.

If you go on national television...

It's true, I've built an extra step there.

It's stupid.

I always knew you had all these things going on, but I just didn't know

at that extent. I mean, you have this huge successful company that makes

all off these projects and these things come to life.

Is there a goal in mind where, like, if I can reach that,

I can maybe settle down and calm down a little bit?

There definitely is. But I think that for me, that would

be very selfish, knowing my background.

If I go, "I'm done," I tap out, and I'm just gonna ride out and be good,

when I have the opportunity to create other opportunities,

then I think I'm doing a disservice to those that need a service.

It's my fucking job to try to give to those that can benefit off of it.

That's my job.

It's why I do this podcast. To help these guys out.

Good for you, Will.

So you say you're not gonna pack up and retire anytime soon.

Are you gonna squeeze in any more of these great movies

- with Dwayne Johnson before that? - Yeah.

'Cause the chemistry is just awesome.

You guys think this relationship is so great. My back hurts.

Carrying that guy is tough.

Carrying that big mother fucker to the finish line is tough.

So, not to be creepy, but if you took all your clothes off right now, are we looking at--

- Not creepy. - Not to be creepy.

You basically have body builder shape. Have done for a while. That's admirable.

That takes a lot of discipline.

Here's the thing, man. It's all about the walk away to the bathroom, right?

Like, if you're married, every morning you get up.

And you go to the bathroom. That bathroom walk away is always viewed by your partner.

And, in my mind,

You're working out a lot on the back of yourself.

Hands, buttocks, back, black.

- The fuck are you talking about, man? All right. - Hey, let him finish, man.

You wanna know where to fuck your life up?

You walk to the bathroom and you hear suddenly, "Ugh!"

It will destroy you.

So in the back of my mind, I don't ever wanna hear that.

So when I walk away, I tiptoe. And I make sure that I don't hear my wife go, "Ugh!"

Right.

That means she's no longer happy with that.

It's also all about keeping it in shape.

When I walk away I need you to know,

that's what you just fucked.

Like, that's, that's...

- Like, that's my-- - Okay.

Yeah, that's my take away.

You know, so, I'm just doing the math here.

- So you're walking away from her... - Go ahead.

- She's looking at your rear and she's saying... - Yeah

-"I just fucked that so..." - Take that in.

I'm just doing the math.

- Wait a minute, hold on. - Yeah, exactly.

- Yeah. - Let's go back.

- Still rolling. - All right, let me switch it up.

My husband understands that.

Good luck.

Good luck.

Oh, shit!

I love...

- I love a cancelled checkmate. - All right.

By the way.

He's off the...

He's no longer on the cancelled, need, or read.

As black people, we've given him a pass.

- Thank you, thank you, thank you. - All right.

- Now we should-- - Checkmate.

By the way, the walking away thing I love because you don't ever look behind you.

You just walk away.

If you ever look back, that's a sign of insecurity.

- That's right. - Yeah, you don't ever wanna look back.

How do you feel... Jason, how do you about Amanda as you walk away?

He looks back all the time.

You check it all the time.

My move is a little bit more like a moonwalk to the bathroom so...

Do you...

If you walk backward just T-shirt and your shirt talking?

I don't think, Jason, wears drawers.

I think it's just a T-shirt, dick and ass out.

And he's just like...

- That's how I picture it too. - Yeah, yeah.

This body showers with a T-shirt on.

Winnie the Pooh.

- Yeah, yeah. - Winnie the Pooh is what I picture you as.

Yeah.

Wait, do you all... Does anybody sleep naked?

- Do you sleep-- - I'm a naked sleeper.

- Do you? - Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, fuck yeah. - Really?

Would you keep all this enclosed?

Oh, no.

Are we looking at your sleep outfit right now?

Absolutely, I'm going night night in between shows in this.

Do it. By the way, just a favor, don't say night night.

What do you...

Sean, what do you wear?

Always the same thing.

I wear shorts and a long sleeves, like, loose shirt

because Scotty leaves the air conditioning at, like, you know, 20 below.

Okay and what kind of shorts?

- What? - Shorts?

- I know, I know. - Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, because when the air conditioning is on

and you wear sweats and then the comforter it's too hot

- So, I wear shorts with one leg in, one leg out, - Yeah.

and then a long sleeve

- so you don't have to have the cover on you. - Yeah.

It acts as the cover.

What kind of shorts?

Are we talking, like, a thick shorts are we, like,--

Yeah, like, a flannel shorts

Just because, to really match my... Don't look at me like that.

What do you mean?

- What? - What do you mean?

In the one area your ass needs to be clean, you sweating it out.

- You got a flannel shorts. - No!

It's too cold to sweat anywhere.

Bullshit, that's a flannel shorts, under a fucking duvet, with a cover.

You stink.

- You fucking stink. - You know what?

You stain your sheets sleeping naked.

By the way,

good point, which is why we go black.

Black sheets.

I thought about that.

You just got recancelled Sean.

Recancelled.

I'm back on top, bitch.

Everybody who sleeps naked, you're staining your sheets

from getting up in the middle of the night and going to pee.

- You know, what I'm saying? - Only if you don't shower before.

There's a couple drops there, so you're gonna have to change your sheets more often.

Next question.

Wait, no wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Who's staining your sheets? - Who's dropping what?

- Do you pee blood? - No, no

Who's dick is still dripping when they get back in the bed?

- I'm saying if you don't shake it off enough... - What are you doing?

But I don't have to worry about that because I wear shorts.

Now, do you pee sitting down?

- I almost punched you in the fucking face just now. - No.

You pee sitting down, right?

You're not old enough yet.

I'm 42.

I peed sitting down for years because I think it's rude when, like,

somebody comes over to your... Like, a guy is coming over to your house or whatever,

and they pee and it splashes and the don't clean it up.

So, you know what guys? Just sit down, it takes care of all the splashing.

There he is. Uh-oh

And it stretches out your back.

- Yeah. - Your back's gonna start getting tight on you

at about 50.

Sean, did you just say

- just wanna make sure I heard this. - No, you misheard me.

I know I fucking heard you.

I fucking heard you.

A lot of guys are, like, "Bah, I don't fucking care, bah."

And then it's just, like... And then they walk away.

So, you know, whoever comes into my house I always say,

"Hey please be neat and wipe the seat."

Wait, is there a sign?

Did you have a sign?

No, but that's a good idea.

Um, all right, come on, all right, so we're out of the bathroom,

we're out of the bedroom

I'm traumatized because he said--

Wait, what about, what about--

I'll let it go.

I'll let it fucking go.

But I don't like you saying that we're all nasty and pee on the seat.

I've never peed on the fucking seat.

No I'm not saying, I'm not saying

He's got better aim.

It was very racist what he said.

He suggested that black people--

You're on thin fucking ice Sean.

It's gonna be tonight and it's gonna be,

"Dear diary, Kevin Hart scares the shit out of me."

By the way, by the way

Sean has been growing on me more and more

- as I've been spending time with him. - I know, I know.

Oh, thank you.

- Come on, man, right? - Thank you.

- Me and you, you already know where we sit. - Yeah, yeah.

- That's right, that's right. - Right?

I didn't cancel you, you didn't cancel me. No.

All right, we're back on track.

Jesus Christ, what a shitshow.

He did not look good.

These guys don't know what the fuck their doing out there.

What a fucking shitshow.

Jesus Christ, who's producing this thing?

It wasn't that good or what?

One more?

- But we're gonna Q and A it. - Okay.

What time is the T and A?

In the next five, 10 minutes.

Does that guy have a sense of rhythm onstage or what?

Yeah, so good.

Good guest, good show.

He reads the room so well.

Yeah, that was a great guest.

From doing standup for 20 years.

Right. ...or longer.

He knew we had to punch him in the neck, right away.

He knew when to do it, how to do it.

Yeah, it was great, super fun.

- Dad. - Hi, boys. What'd you guys think?

How was it?

Did you hear that, at the end he was like...

Are you guys gonna stay for the second show?

No, might as well go home.

Go chill, I'll be home after.

Are you guys gonna get some dinner?

Yeah, get some pizza.

Okay, come here.

Are you guys ready?

Yeah.

I'll see you guys at home later.

You guys gonna split?

- Yes. - Thank you.

- Thank you so much. - Of course.

Um, and I'll see you guys at home after.

- Okay. - See ya later.

Oh, my gosh, look at this.

An actual ticket.

Now hang on a second.

What the fuck is up with this bigger font?

Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes--

And then in the biggest font on the whole ticket--

Well, that's the draw dude.

- Oh. - They're gonna put the draw in big.

And it's free?

We're not charging anything?

Zero.

It must be the backstage.

No, I really have an issue with the font.

The font's way too big.

Let me see it.

Save that for my scrapbook.

Put it in your hope chest.

That's two flushers by the way.

- It's a double. - Fuck off.

Somebody loves...

Inspector said it to me, "Your name that size, huh?"

About the font on the ticket.

Yeah, what the fuck?

- Why is his name bigger than ours, Sean? - Oh, that's so funny.

Yeah, that's-- It's not funny.

- It's clearly a mistake. - I don't think it's funny.

It's a mistake.

- And it says on the back, Bateman is raging. - Who did you contact?

Who did you contact to make that happen, Will?

That's not a mistake.

It's a mistake.

Mitch said, "We heard the fans--

And we fonted appropriately.

He said, Mitch said,

"We did an exit poll from the first couple of shows

and we said to the fans,

Who really stood out on the ticket?" they called it.

They didn't actually mean the physical...

And then people said me.

I didn't wanna say anything, obviously, 'cause I love you guys a lot.

And I think you guys have been doing a great job.

It's great to meet you too. I'm right here man.

It's great to meet you too.

- Are you a-- - Okay?

- I just washed my hands. - Are you a friend of Scottie's?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Hey, guys, save a little something for the stage, huh.

Oh Okay, thanks man!

First today in showbiz and everything's so...

Really appreciate the note you fucking dick.

Where'd you get that?

What this lip balm?

- Give me some of that. - I brought it from home.

Because I thought about what am I doing tonight,

Oh, I'm doing a show, maybe I should have some lip balm.

That's where I got it

Oh, so wait let's keep it.

Are we all three?

What? I'm just wiping it off.

- No, not on the inside of your palm. - You pathetic

motherfuckers, you're my fucking stick.

Why do you move it, not your face?

- Isn't this how you do it? - That's how I wash my legs in the shower.

I put my thing here and I move my leg like that.

Huh. Yeah.

Um.

- What are you listening? - Calm down about it.

Now again, check in with your face very quickly.

Right now, I'm smiling. Am I not?

It is the definition of a furrowed brow.

But I'm elated right now.

Okay, again, it doesn't...

I've gotta go get some work done.

- Oh, my God! - It comes across as so heavy.

What if I had some sort of, like, strings put and there's just a little thing...

Like hula hoop and you just pull 'em.

That goes eyebrow and side, so, I'm smiling.

To do what? Start now?

Here we go.

Here we go.

- All right. - Okay.

- Last show, last show. - Last show, I hope there's not a lot of stares.

But if there are stares it's good because I haven't exercised

- in about six months. - You know what's amazing?

Terrible, finish strong.

I feel like we've come, like, a really long way.

Like, I feel like this journey...

Can I just talk a second about the journey

- with you guys? - No, please don't.

- Wasn't that what your original podcast gonna be? - Yeah.

But why won't you be open to talk about

your feelings and about the journey?

Not right before we go on.

Why? It's journey time.

- Wait, wait, wait. - I think it's the other way.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's definitely the other way.

All I'm saying is an experience,

an experience is something that you have.

And so when you're having an experience, you should talk about it.

- Hi, hi, hi. - Hi.

We should share.

- Well, the experience we're doing right now, - Share.

is we're walking underneath the stage to get up to the stage.

Yeah, so we were just underneath where we're gonna be.

I mean, that is a great

- metaphor for life. - This is such a boring conversation.

It's, like, Sean, is life not to you just like a... It's, like, life.

Try to have better material when we're onstage.

Nobody wants to talk about life anymore.

One, two testing.

Testing, testing one, two testing.

Is this mike hot?

Is it hot?

Are we hot?

- Testing one, two, testing, testing. - Testing, testing one, two.

Testing one, two.

They can hear us.

Oh, okay wait, so wait, I got a really quick game.

It's called Quick Quick Quick.

I'm gonna say Quick Quick Quick, name three something, right?

- Okay, okay. - So, for you, so,

Quick Quick Quick name three brands of soap.

Um, Dove, Ivory and, um,

Quick, okay.

So, Quick Quick Quick name three problems with dental problems,

go, name three dental problems.

- You've got an abscess, you've got a cavity. - Quick Quick Quick.

And you've got a punch in the mouth.

- Okay, what about you? Quick Quick Quick - Quick Quick Quick...

Three great sports teams.

- Quick! - Uh, the birds...

- The dinosaurs, okay. - No.

- Okay. - Oh, God.

The dinosaurs!

Listen, let's just forget this.

Let's just get down to what we came here to do.

The last show of...

SmartLess!

Hello, Los Angeles!

It's our last show of...

We're so excited that you guys wasted your money to come here tonight.

- A lot of money. - Yeah.

We've been on the road for the last couple of weeks.

And we went all over the country.

We started in DC.

And then we went to Boston, and then we went to New York

and Chicago and Madison, Wisconsin.

- Huh! - Yeah, great place.

We had an incredible special appearance

- by, Tracey. - By my sister Tracey.

And, uh, I think that Tracey got a warmer reception than we did.

- Yeah for sure, for sure. - Definitely.

People were freaked out.

Anyway thank you for coming here. Yeah, yeah.

We're gonna sit down and start the show.

Oh, boy. Ugh.

Are you happy to be done with the tour, both of you?

- Yeah. - Well I'm happy and sad.

What's the happy part?

The happy part is that... Uh, the happy part is the--

- We're really searching for the happy part. - No, no, no.

I'm happy because I feel like it was a success,

I had a great time with you guys.

I feel very happy that we did it.

- But sad because it'll be gone. - Yeah.

It could've really been a shit show. Right?

Yeah.

We didn't know... We still don't know what the hell we're doing.

And to think that people would be engaged and entertained with us talking,

uh, is stunning.

People are so nice.

They come backstage and they say nice things all through this whole tour.

Sometimes I do think I have a little bit of face blindness.

Because sometimes I really truly don't recognize people

and I make an ass out of myself.

Remember Traci Lords the pornstar?

- Sure. - No.

No, no.

Did I say sure?

You did, really quickly.

I said it pretty fast.

- Yeah. - It was a little fast.

Are we still rolling? Can we go back?

So, she came on as a guest star in Will and Grace.

And I'm such an idiot.

She sat down and I literally said,

"Oh, my God, I loved you in The Hand that Rocks the Cradle.

I thought she was Rebecca De Mornay.

It's not nearly as bad, uh, uh...

Some fancy folks have come out and seen us.

Peter Dinklage came and said hi to us.

In New York.

And I was talking about the kids.

And I said, "And how old are your little one?

- Just about the dumbest thing you could possibly say. - No.

- Yeah. - No?

The dumbest thing was repeating it right now.

Yeah.

That was...

That was the dumbest.

Yeah, good note.

But you know what?

- They got your back. - Yeah.

Because if there's one thing I know about this day and age,

is that people on the internet...

- They don't talk. - ...they got your back.

Yeah.

So, thank you.

We have a lot of fun, we have a lot of fun together,

we have a lot of fun with you guys.

And for the first time,

we all know who the guest is.

Because we're at the end of the tour and we've invited a really good friend,

our pal, the hilarious, the kind,

the generous, the amazing,

Mr. Jimmy Kimmel.

Jimmy Kimmel!

I appreciate it.

I have to say, this is very exciting for me

because I've never seen Jason up this late.

And by the way can I tell you one thing? Not that this is a...

If I had, like, if I had one magic wish in my whole life...

- Like one. - You would be at home.

...for my whole life,

- It's right now, right? - One.

It would happen right now.

And it would be... I'd say, ladies and gentlemen welcome Peter Dinklage.

That would be my... I would spend it...

On...

On that.

- Very special. - Great merch by the way. So great.

Which mall kiosk did you get this made in?

And I didn't know Zazzle was making motel keychains.

Guess who's idea the keychains were?

Who use this?

Hang on a second.

I may have said "Key fob."

- That's like a "motel, destroy-my-marriage, and-cheat - on-my wife, key fob."

Wait, wait, what's happening?

- No, but that's, like, terrible. - Oh, there we go.

There's a "key fob" for the audience.

Um...

- Jimmy, I got-- - Oh, you have mugs too.

Yo, yo, yeah.

My oldest, she... So, Jimmy, you were one of-- you were on our show

quite early on. Not as early as you should have been.

But you were an early listener and you were somebody who had a lot of notes.

Yeah, I still do.

First of all, I love the podcast. Honestly, no kidding around.

I love listening to it.

You're sweet.

And doing it in person with you guys, like, 'cause when you're listening

or doing it on Zoom as we did it, you don't get to smell the cigarette smoke

coming off of Will.

Or [scoffs] or the feet.

Or get to see his feet.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You have no socks on or do you have those weird sort of hide--

- That just hide in the bottom of the shoe. - Oh, no seams?

Yeah.

Right?

No, prove it to me right now.

Okay.

Oh, oh-oh. Oh.

You know what I feel like right now?

We're going to find some weird sex thing about you that you, like,

you're really into, like, showing women your feet or something, like...

No, I, uh,

You show the feet because people who get spray tanned,

and I know some people who've had it done,

you can see streaks on their feet.

- Jimmy, I-- - You know what-- Sorry, go ahead...

Oh, no no. I was gonna ask a real question.

Now, you've been doing your show for so long,

and I've heard rumors that you're going to be done in a year.

I've heard other rumors that you're going to do for seven more years, like...

What, how, what're you feeling?

Yeah, let's make some news, Jimmy.

- Right here. - I want to...

- Die. - Talk very slowly.

- I wanna die. - Die on stage.

On stage?

You wanna die on live TV.

Wouldn't that be the best?

I mean, the show itself is pre-taped, right?

So what does ABC do if I die

- during the show? - Do they air it?

Do they run that night's show?

- Yes, of course. - Sure.

Yes.

We wanna see that.

- Of course. - They tease the hell out of it.

- Yeah. - I mean, the ratings would be tremendous.

I once had an overdose of Advil on the show.

Where my head, I know it sounds ridiculous.

What's that look like?

My head started to swell up,

and by the end of the show my head was really big.

- Come on. - And then I went directly to Cedars-Sinai.

Sean there, by the way, we did.

- I have seen Sean at the... - Have you really?

Yeah!

Sean, how well do you know your way around Cedars?

Oh, like the back of my hand.

- Absolutely. - You do? For real?

Yeah, because I get-- here we go.

I get A-fib, right?

You know what atrial fibrillation is, right?

Where your heart goes like this...

- Yeah. Exactly. - I don't know what we're talking.

It goes like this and so I'm like Norm from Cheers.

I just go in there like, "Hey, Sean."

Come on right and..."

Uh, and they put propofol in which is fantastic.

And then they knock my heart back

and I go home.

And it happens all the time.

- They do that-- really with the padels? - Yeah. They do.

Yeah, one time they put me out and I don't think they gave me enough.

And I'm not kidding, they went...

and I woke up and I go,

"This is amazing."

Yeah, I thought it was--

I thought it was the most incredible feeling in that moment.

Wait, do they say clear,

- like they do in the movies? - I don't know. I'm out.

Sean, do you have a nickname?

- Sean, do you have a nickname? - Do you have a nickname?

Well, cause I feel like I just came up with a great nickname for Sean.

- Is it paddles? - It's paddles.

Paddles.

- I mean, come on. - That's so good.

Oh, now, you're having us over tomorrow

for, uh, Superbowl.

- Very nice of you. Thank you. - Yeah.

I'm making smoked chicken wings,

vegan chili, ribs,

big sandwich that has grilled zucchini and melted cheese

and arugula on it.

Could we do part of that with no zucchini?

Yeah, can you take the zucchini off?

- Just if I can make a request. - Yeah.

First of all,

I made it for you

because you eat like a princess.

Yeah.

Is half of that marinating right now?

Like, did you prep today?

I grilled the zucchini today, yeah.

- Okay. Toss it. Yeah. - You can toss it out.

Wait, but why--

Who makes the-- what--

- Look how mad you are. - I've never even heard--

Why you so mad?

- Because who's heard of a zucchini sandwich? - I think he's hungry,

he needs popcorn.

He hasn't had anything to eat like for 45 minutes.

- My blood sugar's dropping. - You know what I mean?

Let's get some popcorn. Can we get some popcorn?

- I just wanna get some popcorn for Jason. - Can we get some popcorn?

Let's get some popcorn. Thanks, ma'am.

Oh, this is great. Thank you so much.

Bring it right over here.

Oh, thank you.

Hold on! Who's that?

- Wait, wait, can we just-- - Jennifer Aniston?

- What? - What?

Join the table.

Which way do we go?

- Go this way. - No, no, no.

I just wanna say--

Are you not mic'd?

So you're not gonna sit down and talk?

- Look, oh-- - Talk into this.

Looking a little snacky, JB.

Yeah. He's looking snacky.

Give me your shoes right now.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- You want my shoes? - Give 'em.

There he goes with his feet again.

- No streaks! - No streaks.

Zero tan on the feet.

I'm gonna take these.

Okay. Yeah. I don't need 'em.

- Jennifer Aniston! - Jennifer Aniston!

Oh, my God, Jenny! Oh, my God!

I thought I heard that laugh backstage.

- That's a good food delivery. - Can we grab his sparkling water, please?

By the way, it's so funny,

because it was so nice of you guys plotted

when I came out when these guys came out

and it felt like real enthusiasm

- and it definitely made me feel good. - I know.

And then Jennifer Aniston comes out

and you're like...

The best.

Here you go, buddy.

When we were on the road,

the food chain was off the charts.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

Constantly engaging, "What are you having? What are you eating?

"I'm not gonna have that now. It's way too late."

It was crazy.

Well, I get nightmares if I have it too late.

Right?

You eat too late and the demons come.

Jason Bateman might be the most interesting person I know.

- And I'm not joking. - Yeah.

You know, it's like you did play Teen Wolf

and it's like in a way you are a teen wolf.

Because you appear to be normal

and then there's this other guy

who's this raging maniac, right?

Right?

Yes! Right!

You never-- you never met the maniac.

I didn't meet the maniac

but I didn't know the maniac,

the maniac might have been doing something illegal backstage.

I remember that. I was there that night too.

Andy Dick.

- Were you there that night? - Yeah.

- Wait a second! - Yeah.

With you, dude.

This reminds me of the other time

- I think we've already told this on the podcast. - Yeah.

I think we were doing Arrested Development and he's like,

"Man, I wish we partied together."

Because Will had shut it down

and I was still a year or two away.

It would have been awesome, if we put in and I go, "We did."

We went out and we had a big night

and we got all hammered and then he like...

Not cool. But he got into his car

and he sped away and I was like,

"This guy's a badass."

You know?

He doesn't give a shit. He had a candle on his dashboard.

Oh!

So bad!

He had a lit candle on his fucking dashboard.

Yeah. Wait a minute. Why did you light a candle on your dashboard?

Oh...

Were your headlights out?

I don't know.

I was driving a vehicle

that had a dashboard

that had a little cut out on top of it.

That just screamed for put a regal candle on there.

That was just my roadie candle.

What a fucking idiot.

And I would light that thing

and it would be blazing on my dashboard

while I'm driving when I shouldn't,

so that the cops can see, "This dick's got a candle.

I gotta pull--"

It's so stupid.

By the way, instead of mugs, instead of keychains,

maybe dashboard candles,

that's the SmartLess.

- You're gonna sell a lot of those. - That's a great idea.

Jimmy, it's been so fun having you.

- Thank you for-- - Jimmy!

- We-- we love you. - Jimmy Kimmel!

We thank you. You're the best.

Wow. Thanks.

I know, you know what?

I appreciate it.

I appreciate all of you coming here tonight and...

I also wanna make one more comment

- about the show if you will? - Yeah. Go ahead.

Thank you, Jen.

- You can't do the rest without shoes? - You guys realize...

No.

I'll tell you what, America's sweetheart can't throw.

She can do a lot but she can't throw shoes.

Go ahead, Jimmy. Yeah.

Now, I love this show,

I'm glad that I feel like,

it's so exciting to see all these people

come to see you guys do this

and which really came out of just a very private conversation

between the three of you

and sometimes really good

and sometimes not so good guests.

And--

And I'm so happy for you

and I hope you guys are appreciative of this--

- of the magic that this is. - Beyond.

- Because it is magical thing. - Yeah.

These people are here.

And to hear the way, the dismissive way

you talk about them off the air is just...

- I just find it offensive. - I know. Me too.

And I tell them all the time.

I find it very offensive.

I'm with you.

But these are the best.

- Yeah. These are the best. - These guys are best.

- Uh, thank you, buddy. - Thanks, guys.

Thanks for having me.

- Jimmy Kimmel! - Jimmy Kimmel!

Good times.

That was fun.

Thank you guys so much.

I mean it's just been incredible.

I'm not-- No.

I'm feeling Sean thinking right now.

There's a fucking smoke coming out of his ears

- trying to work a bye. - You know what he's trying to do.

No.

You know, I just wish we could have spent more time with Jen.

- You know... - Yeah.

But...

It feels so nice to...

...to be here.

Get on here!

Keep going. Keep going. Keep going.

Come on! Come on! Yeah!

I don't wanna do this.

Just say, "Hi, everybody. Thank you for coming."

Hi, everybody. Thank you for coming.

And if you were...

Okay. I think this has been really a lovely,

lovely evening

and I wish I just could come up with something--

something sort of--

- Something simple. Something really simple. - Something to say simple.

What's something you say at the end of something?

Oh, like...

goodbye?

Bye!

Oh, my God, Jimmy.

Thank you, dude.

- Thank you. - Thank you so much!

I'd been like nervous about this actually.

- Were you really? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was so good.

- Thank you. Thank you. - Yeah. That was fun.

The first night we were just like, "What the fuck?"

Right?

That's it. That's a wrap.

Nice going. Great time.

Bye!

So what is sloppy joe?

Is it ground beef and tomato sauce?

No. It's ground beef, tomato paste, tomato soup,

chili sauce, white vinegar, salt and pepper,

- brown sugar. - Wow.

You can have one bite. It's not that bad.

When do you put the Alpo in it?

Is it before or is it...

...as a finisher.

I've ice cream after if anybody wants some.

What are we? Is there a four year old's birthday?

Yeah. Congratulations.

What kind? What brand?

Haagen-Dazs.

- Haagen-Dazs? The best. - Mm.

This is why Haagen-Dazs is better than any ice cream

because you look at the label on the vanilla...

It's egg, yolk, sugar and cream. That's it.

Egg and yolk?

I think so.

Or egg yolk?

Is it egg yolk?

- Probably no comma in there. - Oh, yeah.

Egg, yolk, uh...

Dumb.

Crea...m.

Crea...m.

Oh! Played golf yesterday.

With Giles?

With Giles and Josh and Harry Chung.

I dated a a guy with a harry chung.

You don't need to tee it up high for him.

No! No, no.

Do you have any tattoos?

No. I've always wanted one.

- Have you really? - Should we get one?

Hmm.

He's got a couple.

Wouldn't it be kind of fun to get a SmartLess one?

- Not really. - All right. Do you wanna think about it?

- Nope. Just did. - Okay.

You should get the recipe to sloppy joe.

Too long.

- Hey, you don't have any tattoos, do you? - I do not.

You took the one off your toe?

Not-- Not this guy.

Oh, really? Cause you wanna get another kingdom.

Isn't that a thing?

Wait. Do you have a tattoo?

I just got Maple and Francesca.

Oh, that's right. Isn't that nice?

But you got it on the most sensitive part of your arm.

- That's just pure bone here, right? - Yeah.

It's well-done flab.

They were like, "We've never tattooed into bone.

But I guess."

Dust came up as they were doing it.

The only reason I have this here and this here

is that they're never going away.

- You're right. - You know?

Now I hope this goes on forever.

- But what job does? - Right.

We're not talking about job. We're talking about friendship.

Yeah.

Well, I'd rather get Will and Sean tattooed

than SmartLess.

With our faces.

- Like the logo. - We'll just see our faces.

Oh, that! Yes.

See this is a great example

of you being hard headed about something,

because you're like, "What if this job goes away?"

You can't think of it like that.

Well, my friendship with you is not gonna go.

I mean I'll put fucking Will and Sean on my goddamn forehead.

- Let's do it. - Let's get the guy in here.

Yeah. Don't threaten me.

And would you want lower left or upper right in that scenario?

- Lower left. Upper right. - Lower left.

You want lower left?

Yeah, cause it's gonna be more in your eye line.

Cause you usually look people in the eye.

I think upper right usually ends up being

- the one that is perceived as... - In Billing--

...that is top billing.

In the movie poster one sheet for sure.

But in this case,

it's the first one you see is the closest to the person's eye.

- Huh. - You probably didn't catch that wink.

Nope.

- So how do you feel about the experience-- - Of being an actor?

I--

No. Of going on tour now that we've had distance time.

I've been thinking actually a lot about doing it again.

- Really? - Like, I can't wait to do it again.

Oh, that's cool. Well, what about it?

I haven't been on a boys trip since I was in my early 20s.

We could go to England

and we could go to Australia.

- Whatever you like. - Ireland.

That be really fun.

How stupid is it though

that this goes all the way across the Atlantic.

I know.

I mean, I can't believe--

Do they have to translate in other--

Do other people do our voices?

- Like in other languages. - Yeah.

But do you honestly think that they'd dub our voices

for the podcast in other countries?

Well, not English speaking.

No, I know.

I'm talking about the ones that don't speak English.

Yes, well how would they understand it?

Well, only the people that understand English

- are turning it on. - All right.

Right?

I don't know.

You know what the number one speaking language in the world is?

Well for you, it's not English.

SmartLess.

SmartLess.