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- Good evening,

I'm General Myron Stone,

Air Force Liaison to the Pentagon

I would like to introduce to you

our esteemed committee members,

Undersecretary Overmyer from the State Department,

Dudley Next from the Pentagon,

for Senator Anne Farnsworth,

and Darnell Muggins, from Central Intelligence

I shall now ask our project personnel

to introduce themselves

- Yes, thank you General

I am Colonel Gilbert Milfoil,

and I am Head of Security for the Alien Task Force

This is my assistant, Second Lieutenant Reese

- I'm Second Lieutenant Reese,

Colonel Milfoil's assistant

- Captain Rick Mullican,

Scientific Coordinator on Project: ALF

My duty has been to monitor

all testing performed on the alien

- Major Melissa Hill, Clinical Psychologist

I've been responsible for all

behavior evaluations concerning the alien

- This panel has convened to render a decision,

as to the immediate future of the alien life form,

known as ALF

Colonel Milfoil is demanding full resumption

of psychological and physical testing,

and the possible elimination of the creature

Captain Mullican and Major Hill oppose this idea,

and in fact, recommend the release of the alien

Now it is our responsibility to hear these arguments,

and determine what should be done with the alien

- We know what to do with it,

some of us just don't have the guts

- It's not a matter of guts, it's a matter of human rights

- Aliens don't have human rights, Major,

that's why they're aliens

- They're aliens because we alienate them

- Oh please

- She's right

We found ALF to be a warm, friendly,

occasionally annoying, but highly intelligent creature

- Sir, ALF is a menace to society,

and ought to be incinerated

- Don't you mean incarcerated, sir?

- No

- According to these records,

ALF's planet, Melmac, exploded in 1985

After wandering in space for almost a year,

his spacecraft fell to Earth,

and crashed into the garage

of a family by the name of Tanner

- That is affirmative, madame

The alien held the Tanner family captive,

and terrorized them for as long as he lived with them

- The Tanners and ALF got along great

- On the contrary, Mister Tanner testified himself,

that the alien set over 300 fires in their home,

and that he continually tried to eat the family cat

- For the record, he never ate the cat

Besides, it was only 246 fires,

and most of those were barbecue-related

- Where is the Tanner family now?

- They were placed

on the witness protection program in 1990

- Well, perhaps we should talk to them

- I'm afraid they don't have a phone yet, sir

It's hard to get service in Reykjavik

- They live in Iceland?

- They turned down Mozambique,

they weren't happy with the school system there

- Well are they happy with

- They're fine, ma'am

The rest is classified

- Perhaps now would be a good time

to view the videotapes of the alien,

undergoing some of those tests you told us about

- The committee should be aware that

several tapes, including those

of the more inhumane tests,

mysteriously disappeared about the time

these hearings were scheduled

- You lost some of the tapes?

Honest to God,

security in your department is appalling

Anyone can just waltz into his lab,

and take whatever he wants

- Anyone with a security key and a 14-digit combination

- May we take a look at those tapes we do have?

- Good morning, ALF

May I call you ALF?

- If you insist

- Well, I'm Doctor Warner,

and I'd like to ask you a few questions

- Do I have to come up with funny answers?

- Not at all

Now during the course of these interviews,

we'll also be videotaping you

- If it's shown on Hard Copy, I'll expect residuals

- No, these tapes are classified,

the public will never see them

- That's what they told Marion Barry

- Yes, yes

Good morning, ALF

- Yourself

I take it this isn't the word association test

- There's been a change of plans

Not to worry,

we're gonna conduct a different test

- I'm not sure I like the word, conduct

- I assure you it's completely safe

Oh, pay no attention to that sign,

it shouldn't even be there

I'll remove it if it bothers you

- It bothers me

- Medic?

Medic?

- Hello ALF, I'm Doctor Newman

- No need to ask who you're replacing

- We're gonna try a little game called, numeric sequencing

- Does it involve electric shock?

- Absolutely not

- Forgive me if I'm a little paranoid

There's still a silhouette burnt into the linoleum

- Well, it's been officially determined

that Doctor Warner had a heart condition,

and his unfortunate death

was totally unrelated to the mild shock

that he received here

- I'd be ready for litigation if I were you

- Well then that's not your concern at this point

- The man was cooked in his shoes

- Could you stop the tape?

- His glasses were fused to his skull

- Stop the tape

He was a cinder!

- Stop

- Hello there, I'm Doctor Stanley

- Where's Doctor Newman?

- He's taking some time off

- I assume you heard what happened to Doctor Warner?

- Yep, bad heart

- Oh, we're sticking to that story, huh?

Mum's the word

- Let's try some word association

I'll say a word,

and you say whatever pops in your mind

- Food

- I haven't said anything yet

- Nothing interesting, at least

- Sit

- I am sitting

- No no no no, that's the first word, sit

- Oh, food

- Sunrise

- Breakfast

- Square - Meal

- Left - Overs

- Should we stop and get you something to eat?

- I could use a little snack

Feel better?

- I do now

- May we proceed with our word association test?

- Fire away

- All right

Here's the first word

Is there a problem?

- Nope

- Here is the first word

- Go ahead

- No, here, the word here, is the first word

- You're jerking my chain, aren't you?

- Let's just try another word

- Good idea

- On - Off

- Up - Down

- Toast

- Doctor Warner

- In - Out

- Cold

- Doctor Warner

- Look, can we stop the cameras please?

- Warner's body had to be removed by a chimney sweep

- Cut

- Hello, I'm Doctor Mockton

I'm going to show you some ink blots

- Does this involve electric shock?

- Let's not start that again

- You know why I'm asking don't you?

- I suggest you change the subject,

unless you want to pay another visit to the centrifuge

- Been there, done that

Threw up

- Let's start with this one

- Doctor Warner struck me as a rather gentle man

This one is definitely the Pepsi

- Good morning, I'm Doctor Carnage

- Yikes

- Yikes, yourself

- Just so we understand each other

- I'm going to show you some pictures

- Are they of you?

- No

- Good

- Identify if you can

- No breakfast?

- No breakfast

- Lousy pork butt

- No need to be insulting

- No no, that's what I had for breakfast,

just one lousy pork butt

- Can you identify the man in this picture?

- He was the drummer for the Beatles

Can I ask you something?

- What?

- How you found the food here on the base?

- Adequate

- Any truth to that saltpeter thing?

Because frankly, I've been having trouble maintaining a

- Tell me about this picture

- I wondered when we were going to get around

to the Star Trek stuff

- Ah, so you know about the Starship Enterprise?

- I know it's an icon for millions of people

who don't have a life

- And tell me about your spaceship

- My ex-spaceship

Now it's a pile of rubble,

much like my life

- And what about your life, ALF?

Are you unhappy?

Tell me what frightens you

- Besides the Fox Network?

- Besides the Fox Network

- Can I ask you something?

- Of course

- I'm a bit curious about the,

don't ask, don't tell, policy, here in the military

- What about it?

- Well, I assume it's worked to your advantage

- Stop the tape

- Three, two, one, engage

- Wow!

Quick, somebody bring the jaws of life!

- That crash test is the perfect example

of the cruel and inhumane punishment

ALF has been subjected to, Mister Chairman

- He had an airbag, it just didn't work

- Perhaps it would be a good idea

if we met with ALF, and talked with him personally

- That's highly inadvisable, sir

He's very dangerous,

and may I remind you sir, he is pelvic height

- Where exactly is ALF now?

- Exactly where he belongs, madame,

in maximum security under full military guard

So, what's the alien gonna do now?

- Looks like I don't have a choice

- You don't

- Straight flush

Read 'em and weep

Hey, have some more pretzels, boys

They're only a dollar a bag

- That's it for me, I'm tapped

- You're tapped

I just lost my hazard pay

- Well, better luck tomorrow, guys

Cash 'em out Murph, and lock the safe

- Yes, sir

- Oh, and while you're up,

get me the results from Santa Anita,

and find out what we owe on the Tyson fight

Who would have thought that prison

would have made him meaner?

- I'm on it, sir

- Oh, and rustle up some pizza from the commissary,

double-cheese, hold the saltpeter

Right

- Brown boy? - Yes sir

- What's my schedule look like for tomorrow?

- Pretty tight,

- No hot oil

- We won't make that mistake again

9:30, breakfast

Irish oatmeal, fresh strawberries, okay?

- Do I get scones?

- You get scones

- And fresh clotted cream?

- Bad news on the clotted cream front, I'm afraid

It missed the flight from Devonshire

- Why don't you just stab me?

- Sorry

Hey, 10 o'clock's your hair coloring

- Right shade this time?

- Burnt sienna

- I'm the same color Lucy was,

towards the end

- And I managed to block out

from 11 o'clock to three o'clock for your lunch

- Oh that is tight

- And at 4:30, it's either tea time,

or resumption of shock therapy,

depending upon the outcome of the hearing

- Please, let it be tea time

At this point, I'd even drink herbal

Dismissed

- Besides, I met Yassir

Not only does he look like Ringo, he's a better drummer

Sorry

- In consideration of the overwhelming

amount of data before us,

this committee will reconvene in two weeks

Until then, the alien remains in custody

under full military security

- Prudent decision, sir

- It is the ruling of this panel, however,

that all testing on the alien

will be suspended until further notice

- Sir, I must strongly object

Sir, let the record show that I have

- This hearing is adjourned

- Mama

- Beg your pardon, sir?

- What?

- Did you say something sir?

- What are you doing here?

- I'm saying goodnight, sir

Goodnight

- Goodnight

Reese?

- Sir?

- How do you think things went today?

- I thought the panel made a very safe decision, sir

- I thought it was abominable

- Abominable, yes sir

Safe, yet abominable

- Reese?

- Still here, sir

- Let me tell you a story

- Now?

- I grew up without a mother

- You'd never know, sir

- I had a mother

But when I was 12 years old, they hauled her away

Nutty as a fruitcake, they said

Why do you suppose they said that, Reese?

- Oh, wouldn't venture a guess, sir

Even if I knew for certain

- She was alien

- From across the border?

- From across the cosmos, Reese

- Oh, out there

Yeah

- We lived on a farm,

and mother would talk of mysterious sightings

She spoke of cattle mutilations,

and bizarre rings burnt into the fields,

but no one took her seriously until it was too late

- Should I come in, sir?

- Yes, please, come in

Make yourself comfortable

Then one day the aliens kidnapped mama

They experimented on her

They twisted her mind,

and clouded her thoughts to the point

where she doubted her own sanity

- I'm sorry sir

- How about a drink?

- No thanks

- For me, Reese

- Oh, of course

- When my mother took her own life,

she left behind a note,

penned with incomprehensible symbols,

the ravings of a lunatic, they said,

but I knew differently, oh yes

I knew very differently

And I made up my mind I would seek the truth

I knew that one day I would join the Alien Task Force

- Ice?

- Yes, please

Eventually I found out that those symbols

do indeed have meaning

- What did they mean, sir?

- I don't know

But they're the same as the mysterious etchings

on the mountaintops of Peru,

and they're the same symbols

we found on the flying saucer in Area 51

- Now, those symbols have yet to be deciphered, sir

- You don't need a Rosetta Stone to know they spell trouble

- You really think ALF poses that kind of threat?

- There's a very thin line between

mutilating cows and eating cats

- Point well-taken sir

But the panel doesn't seem to agree

- The panel can never know what I know,

or what my dear mother knew

That's why we must take it out of their hands, Reese

- I smell a covert operation, sir

- What you're smelling is victory,

the triumph of good over evil,

one that could make me President of the United States

It might even help earn you your First Lieutenant bars

- Wow

So much so soon

- I want you to sign this medical requisition,

and access the serum from the lab on level three

If anyone asks questions,

you just tell them

it's biohazardous material, section 12-801

Sign right there

- Top secret?

- Yes

Our top secret, Reese

Right there on the bottom

Let me help steady your hand, son

That's it, good man yourself

Congratulations

- Thank you, sir

- Carry on

- Anyway, she was great, didn't back down for a minute

I mean, she was passionate,

eloquent, and beautiful

- And she's here

- Hi

- Oh, hi

- Major?

Rick was just talking about you

- Pete, why don't you go get yourself an apple juice, huh?

- Oh, yes sir

Right away

Major Hill?

- No thanks

- All right, one apple juice

I'll be back in a couple of hours

- He's a great kidder

- I've been transferred

- What?

It's true

- When?

- No later than 0800 hours tomorrow morning

It's right there above Colonel Milfoil's signature

- He can't do this to us

I mean we're such a great team

- Divide and conquer

- Excuse me

Doctor, I need a signature on this requisition form

- Medical requisition, level three?

What's this about?

- I wouldn't know sir, it's a section 12-801

- Level three is biohazardous material

- Airman, would you please step outside,

we'll be with you in a minute

- Yes, sir

- Reese is trying to access the vaccines

we're developing for biological warfare

- Security

Is Sergeant Rhomboid still on duty?

Evening pizza run, of course

What about Murphy?

Great, thanks

Murphy, Major Hill

Just checking up on ALF

No, I don't owe him money

Say, what's his schedule like for tomorrow?

It's pretty tight, huh?

Any changes in the last several hours?

Really?

Why?

What time?

All right, thanks for the info

- What, what is it?

- They rescheduled ALF's pedicure for a medical exam,

I'd say a lethal one

- I can't believe we're doing this

- It's our only choice

Once we get ALF off the base,

we'll worry about everything else

- We're kidnapping him

- We're saving his life

- And where are we gonna take him?

Neverland Ranch?

It's the only place he'd go unnoticed

- Evening, Airman Murphy

- Evening, Major

Captain

- Evening

- ALF around?

Silly question, he's a prisoner

- Yes

He's in his suite

- We've got him scheduled for a couple of tests, tonight

- He's sleeping pretty soundly sir

- That's good,

because they're nocturnal comprehension tests

- NCT's

- We'd do them in the morning,

but it's just not the same

- Oh understood

Just ALF gets a little cranky when he's awakened,

unless it's for his evening pizza

Which should be arriving any minute,

so you go on ahead

- Hey, they're selling copies of movies

that are still running in the theaters

- We're not here to shop

- 299 for The Lion King

How's he do this?

- I must again remind this jury

not to discuss this case amongst yourselves,

this I admonish you

- ALF?

- Counsel will refer to me as Your Honor

- ALF, wake up

- Hey!

Easy with the mask, huh?

I've got cold cream on

What are you two doing here?

You know the rules,

no merchandise sold till 0900 hours

- ALF, you're in grave danger,

we've got to get you off the base

You're scheduled for a medical test

in a couple of hours

- Must be my cholesterol again

Last time it was over a thousand

- That's the least of your worries

Milfoil is planning to test a serum on you

- Is it cherry-flavored?

- It's poison,

and it comes in a hypodermic needle

- So it's not cherry-flavored?

- ALF, get up

We have to get you off the base

- I can't leave all this behind

I have a corporation to run here

- ALF you have a choice, your money, or your life

- Well?

- I'm thinking, I'm thinking

- Well, there's no time for thinking

- Hey!

Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

- Oh relax, it's just a sedative

- Oh, that's really gonna cost you, buddy

Just for that, I'm tacking on an extra 10%

to your gambling debts

And I want it in cash

by next Tues

- Quick get him in the mailbag

- How much time do we have?

- He ought to be out for a good half hour

Rhomboid's here with the pizza

Yeah, ALF open up

- What are we gonna do?

- Get him in the bag

Slide the pizza under the door

Ha!

It won't fit

- Then, keep it

And what about this flaming desert?

Oh, ow

- Extinguish and enjoy

Hey thanks, buddy

Doing all right?

- Yeah, I'm just not quite as peckish as I thought

Okay pal, see you in the morning

- Great impression of ALF

Except he would never use the word peckish

Yeah, he'd never turn down food either

Come on

Ma'am

- He's a lot heavier than he looks

- Just our luck

Six of his seven stomachs must be full

All clear

Three

- Where are you going, Captain?

- I'm driving

Unless of course, you want to

- You're not going anywhere, and that's an order

- What are you talking about?

- There's no reason for you to get in any deeper

- This is my idea, I take full responsibility

- I thought we were in this together?

- Your help has been appreciated, Captain

And now you're dismissed

- Are you pulling rank on me, Melissa?

- Major, and yes I am

- I don't believe this

- Rick, that's an order

- And if I don't follow it, what?

You gonna march back to MilFoil,

and tell him I'm being insubordinate?

No offense Major, this is my order, get in the van

If we can make it past the guard gate, we've got a shot

- Is this a motor pool van?

- Yeah, it was

It's ALF's now

Won it in a poker game

He rents it back to 'em on weekends

- He'll probably charge us for mileage

- It wasn't personal, was it?

- What?

- Your not wanting me to come along with you?

- No, I like you

I like working with you

You're dedicated and sincere,

and sensitive

- Well not that you asked but,

I think you're passionate, eloquent,

and beautiful

- So I overheard

- I don't want you to get a big head about it

I felt that way since the first time I heard you say,

welcome to Edmonds Air Force Base

- We're going really slowly

- Well I think we should

You're my superior, I didn't know how you felt

- No I mean, we're going two miles an hour

- Oh yeah, sorry

- Evening, Major

Captain

What brings you out at 2300 hours?

- Stealing government secrets, selling them to spies

No seriously,

I'm taking Major Hill to the train station

She's been transferred

- Orders, ma'am

Be right back

- Do you find him to be a bit humorless?

- It wasn't that funny

Where am I?

- Don't look now, the mail's awake

- Be quiet, ALF

I remember now

I'm being abducted by humans

There's a switch

- Shut up, ALF

I have to use the bathroom

- ALF, get down

Ow!

That was exceptionally painful, on a full bladder

- Everything seems to be in order

- Thank you Sergeant, we have to go now

You're telling me

- Beg your pardon?

- You're telling me

Thanks

I don't recognize this part of the country

Could be this bag that I'm in

- Yeah, and you're gonna stay in that bag,

until we get where we're going

Where are we going?

- Every hear of Dexter Moyers?

- Yeah, UFO guy, got drummed out of NASA

- No, he wasn't drummed out, he resigned

He testified in front of a Congressional committee

that alien sightings should be made public

So they transferred him to simulator maintenance

- How come you know so much about him?

- He was a friend of my father's

I called him, and he offered to help us

- Where does he live?

- Near the Arizona-New Mexico border

Oh goody, I should be able to swim

out of this bag by then

- Why are you so steamed ALF?

We saved your life

- Saved my life?

You took me from my friends,

whom incidentally, I was making a good living off of

- Okay, I checked with the front desk,

there's no room service

- Big surprise

We're lucky there's plumbing

- What if Rick went out and got you something to eat?

Would that make you happy?

- You can't buy me with food

Unless it's fried chicken

- I'll see what's open

- A couple of burgers, maybe

- Right, chicken or burgers

- No, chicken and burgers

And donuts, and get some beet juice

I like to dunk

- Man

- Also, if there's a laundry mat around,

I suggest you wash that mail bag

- Why?

As long as it's

- I told you to stop at a clean gas station

- I'll go see about that food

- Last call, anyone want the runny white part?

Going, going, gone

- Can we get some sleep now, it's three a.m.

- The night is young

Who's up for a game of Twister

- Where did you put the sedative?

- I heard that

- Please ALF, we need rest

- Well, how shall we handle the sleeping arrangements?

I should get the bed, being that I'm already on it,

and I'm shedding

- Fine, we'll stay here on the couch

- Evidently we paired up for the evening

- We haven't paired up, there's just no place else to sit

- Oh tish tosh

You two have been playing Ken and Barbie

ever since we left the base

- Could you turn the TV down?

- Nothing but infomercials on at this hour

- How about turning it off?

- Oh look, it's the one for the Wonder Rag

- Okay

Jump, jump, jump, jump,

jump, jump, jump, jump

One two three four

Jump, jump, jump, jump

One two three four

Jump, jump, jump, jump

Jump jump jump jump

- Someone's at the door

- ALF, hide in the bathroom

- It's been a long time since those words were uttered

- Evening folks

- Hello

- Hi

- Name's Ernie

I drive a truck

If you look right behind me in the parking lot,

you'll see my 18-wheeler

- Oh yeah, there it is

16, 17, 18, right

- Yeah, well being on the road 20 straight hours

can make a body tired

- And irritable

- Kind of hard to sleep

when all you hear from the room next door

is the incessant pounding of a bed on the wall

- I'm sorry

I apologize, we were

- Look, I was a newlywed myself once buddy but, dang

- We're not

- Point made

- ALF, the coast is clear, you can come out now

ALF?

Oh no

- What?

What now?

- He's gone

And now the big question,

how much would you expect to pay

for the amazing Wonder Rag and passive hanging hook?

- 20 bucks

Think before you answer

- Darn

Because of the special TV bonus,

we'll throw in this plastic protective bib,

and a gallon of sawdust

for those stubborn industrial spills

- That's worth five, 25

A hundred dollars?

50 dollars?

What if I was to say you get everything

for only 19 dollars and 95 cents?

Try purchasing a rag and sawdust

for anything less than that

Let's check on Cindy and see how she's doing

- Hi

- Hi

- Do you have a phone?

- What?

- All right, take your time,

get over the initial shock,

then answer my question

Do you have a phone?

- Pay phone

Outside

- How about a coat?

- What for?

- You said the phone was outside, didn't you?

- Yeah

- Then I'll need a coat,

and a hat if you have one

- Yeah, yeah

- And I'll need a quarter

- Yeah

Sure

Anything

You're not gonna bite me are you?

- Not for a quarter

- You're not from around here, are you?

- Minnesota

- But somehow I thought it would be farther than that

- Michigan

- Yeah

Yeah, the Wolverine State

That would explain it

- I appreciate the loan of the hat and coat,

and the quarter

And I have to go now

You continue with your evening and have a good time,

if you know what I mean

Bye bye

- J Barracks, Airman Murphy

- Murph, is that you?

- ALF?

It's five o'clock in the morning,

and too early for room service

- I'm not calling for room service

I'm not even calling from my room

Ask me where I am

- Where are you?

- I'm standing on a corner somewhere in Arizona,

not a fine sight to see

Hold it

There's someone slowing down to take a look at me

- Yeah, right

A girl in a flatbed Ford, huh?

- How'd you know?

- Just a guess

Goodnight ALF

- Wait a minute Murph, I'm not kidding

- You're telling me you're off the base?

- Yes, I was kidnapped by Rick and Melissa

- Major Hill and Captain Mullican?

- Oh forgive me, I forgot my protocol

- Where are they?

- At the motel

- What are they doing in a motel?

- Not much

They're just good friends

Look, I gotta keep this short

That girl in the flatbed Ford just came back

Looks like she's got a gun, and eats red meat

- What do you want me to do?

- Bring me my cash, my credit cards,

and my pool cue

I might have to work for a living

- I'll do what I can

Where can I get a hold of you?

- Leave a message on the internet

Kitty Kat Lounge

Oh boy, breakfast

- Any luck?

- No

If it wasn't for bad luck,

we'd be having no luck at all

- Okay, I'll get the van and search the town

- Hold on

I got a hunch

You wait in the room in case he comes back

- Where are you going?

I'll be right back

? I'll love you down

? I got that game

? I've got something for you

? And it's love

? I've got something for you

? Yes it be love

- So, what are you drinking?

- Uh, nothing

I'd like to see a menu, though

- Yeah well, we don't serve food

- Isn't this the Kitty Kat Lounge?

- Yep

- Well I'd like a nice, big, fat calico, medium rare

- Are you some kind of sicko?

- All right, all right

Take it easy

- What's the problem?

- Look

- Hi

- What the heck is that thing?

- It's okay, it's okay, I can explain

- Do it

Now

- Mardi gras

We're on our way to mardi gras,

and hence the costumes

- What mardi gras?

- What costumes?

- The ones we're wearing

- What costumes?

- Okay, gotta go now

- You're not going anywhere

There's a two drink minimum

- Each

- Well in that case,

I'd like a Melmacian martini

If you don't have fresh cat juice,

you can substitute ferret

- Okay, here you go, here you go

Thanks very much

Something for the lady, appreciate it

Okay, come on, let's go, let's go

Come on

- I hope you're not trying to win any prizes

with those outfits

The Village People uniform's okay,

but that dog suit's the worst

- Permission to bite the bouncer sir

- Denied, keep moving

Come on

- Hey, easy on the dog suit

It's a rental

- Oh great, the cops

- What's so great about that?

- Let's see if I've got this right

Around 4:32 a.m. a short furry creature comes in

- It was a wolverine

- A wolverine

- He was from Michigan

A legend

- A wolverine, from Michigan,

asked to use the phone,

then proceeded to steal your hat and coat?

- No no no, he borrowed 'em

But let's be realistic

I'll never see 'em again

- Oh I wouldn't be so sure

- What were you thinking?

Now this place is crawling with cops

- Let's hope they leave before the helicopters get here

- What helicopters?

- Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines

I might have inadvertently alerted the military

- How might that have happened?

- Phone call

- Who?

- Mine

- When?

- Before

- How?

- Collect

- Are you sure?

- You're getting it straight from the wolverine's mouth

- Why?

- Because I need my things

- I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to Him

- We have to get out of here, now

- In what?

A military van?

They've probably got an APB out on it

- May I suggest a vehicle change?

- No, no, you may not

- Fine

- We really shouldn't drive that van

- Okay,

how would you suggest facilitating a vehicle change?

- What vehicle change?

- The one you suggested earlier

- Sure it was me?

- Why are you even listening to him?

- A vehicle change is not a bad idea

- I'll take care of it

- You can't go outside

- I just did

- Let him go

All right, you have five minutes

- Fine, no problem

Get you a vehicle

- Oh oh

- Remember me?

- The guy from Michigan

- Yeah, I'm returning your hat and coat

Much obliged

And your quarter

- Thank you

- I have another gift for you

You see that van outside there?

- The one that says, property of US government on the side?

- That's the one

It's yours

I'm with the government, and we want you to have it

- Really?

- Yeah, what else do you need?

- I don't know

Socks

- No problem

I'll send you a gross

I hope you look good in Air Force blue

Hey, you like music?

- Yeah

- I'll send you some CD's

Is 100 enough?

- What's the catch?

- No catch, no catch

You lent me a quarter, I'm giving you a brand new van,

and a thousand dollars worth of merchandise

When you do good things,

it comes back to you

- Wow, thanks

- Oh, stupid me

I gave you my van

How am I gonna get where I'm going?

What kind of car do you drive?

- A '59 Caddy

- What's it worth?

- Seven or eight hundred bucks

- All right well, let's see,

we got the van, the socks,

the CD's, you give me the car, and 500 bucks,

and we'll call it even

- I don't have any money

- All right, all right,

you drive a hard bargain

Just give me the car

I guess you didn't get to where you are,

by being stupid

- You gotta stay on your toes

- I don't suppose there'd be any warranty

that goes with this car?

- No, a deal's a deal

Take it or leave it

- I'll take it

Oh by the way,

first chance you get,

you might want to have that van repainted

Bye

- Air conditioning,

satin sheets, big screen TV

Potted palms, gentlemen,

do you mean to tell me the alien

has been living like this the whole time he was locked up?

- No sir, his original room was far more spacious,

but he complained it was too drafty

- I see

Why didn't we just put him in a suite at the Ritz/Carlton?

- Actually sir, ALF did suggest that

- Put a lid on it, Sergeant

- Yes sir

- Colonel Milfoil

- Yes, Reese

- The red alert has been issued sir

A high priority search is in effect

for Major Hill, Captain Mullican, and the alien

- Very well, son

Now I want you to get a mobile command unit underway, ASAP

I intend to personally handle every aspect

of this investigation

- It's already been initialized sir

- What's this, roulette table, one-armed bandits,

pinball machines, blackjack table

His own personal casino

Did you know anything about this, Reese?

- Yes sir

- What?

- But I only participated on Wednesdays

It was Monte Carlo night

- You men are on report

- Yes sir

- He said he was giving a full 2% to the homeless, sir

There are no homeless

in the military, you idiot

- Hey, hey, hey, hey,

riding in the back of a pink Cadillac jack,

snacking on a snack,

and thinking on back, of old Melmac,

grew up in a shack, without knickknacks

No rack and pinion steering,

my uncle hard of hearing, the missus interfering

- ALF

- What?

- What are you doing?

- Rapping with the wind, dude,

about life back home

- You didn't grow up in a shack with no knickknacks,

and you've never been married

- Hey, it's a rap

It doesn't have to make sense

- Now I asked you to get down, and stay out of sight

- If I do that, I can't eat the bugs

I get first dibs on licking the windshield

- Yuck

- How much further?

- Not much

- Why would Carl Sagan live way out here?

- It's not Carl Sagan,

it's Dexter Moyers

He's an ex-NASA test pilot,

and he is an expert on UFO's

- As long as it's not Carl Sagan

- What's wrong with Carl Sagan?

- Besides his hair?

Well, for one thing,

he insists on pronouncing the name of that planet, Uranus

You want to know the correct pronunciation?

- No

- Fine

- He's gonna say it anyway, isn't he?

- Probably

- Your anus

That's how it's pronounced

? Don't need no for any doubt

- You know, we've been driving almost 10 minutes,

I haven't seen another car on this highway

- This isn't a highway,

it's Dexter Moyers' driveway

? Don't ready and slide on in

Wow, a shopping mall

- Okay, I'll admit it, I'm intimidated

- I'll go in and check things out,

if you stay here with ALF

- Get some rice pudding

- Will you get down behind the seat?

- Oh, hey look

Another gin bottle

Dead soldier

- Get down

Kindly state your name

and nature of business

- Melissa Hill,

I'm here to see Doctor Moyers, he's expecting me

Please wait, processing

- Melissa?

- Yes

- I'm Nina, Doctor Moyers' assistant

Please, come in

Your friend too

- You know, I thought that I would

talk to Doctor Moyers first

- Of course

He looks almost human

- That's my associate, Rick Mullican

- Oh

- May I offer you a refreshment?

- No, no thanks

- Wasted trip

- Talk about almost human

- That's Rocket, our server-bot

- Melissa

- Pleasure to meet you again, Doctor Moyers

- Please, it's Dexter, and call me Dex

I can't believe it,

you are the spitting image of your dad

- So I've been told

- Sit down

Your father was quite a guy

I'll never forget the first time I met him at NASA,

we were working on a secret missile project,

and the first thing he did was pull out a picture

of his nine-year-old daughter, Pork Chop

- Pork chop?

- Yeah, he named you after his most glorious moment,

when he and his battalion took Pork Chop Hill

- Hors d'oeuvres

- You hungry?

- No

No thank you

- Oh for two

- I should get back to the car

- Pull in the garage, you can come in the back

- Great

And thank you for

- Aiding and abetting?

It's my pleasure

I gotta tell you,

I'm very excited about meeting your friend

- He's a handful

- Well, we'll try and make him feel safe

And I promise I won't call you Pork Chop

Anyway, I know your middle name is Angel

- That's right

- Much more fitting

- I'm gonna go get my friends now

- Okay

- So, everything all right?

Did you see Moyers?

- Yes, and he is terrific, he's perfect

- Would that gorgeous young earthling

who answered the door happen to be Missus Moyers?

- No, I think he's single

- Let's hope they have a hot tub

- Welcome back

- Rick, this is Doctor Moyers

Dexter

Dex

Dex, this is Rick Mullican

- Hi Rick

- Doctor, heard a lot about you

- I want to thank you both for risking so much

to save the alien life form

Speaking of which, where's the little guy?

- ALF?

What?

- You can come in now

Not so fast

They have a cat

Here, kitty kitty kitty kitty

Here, kitty kitty kitty

- ALF, get in here

I'll be back with my boning knife

- ALF, this is Doctor Dexter Moyers

- Howdy partner

- Well Doctor Moyers, what do you think?

- I think this is the moment I've been

waiting for, my entire life

- Me too

- Well, come on in

- Not so fast

What's the seventh planet from the sun?

- Uranus?

- Lay down McDuff

- Amazing, absolutely amazing

- Would you care for an eighth dessert, sir?

- Muchos gracias, rock meister

Keep 'em coming

- That's the extent of the rice pudding, I'm afraid

Unless you'd like to lick the container

- I would indeed

- Another gallon of cam juice to wash it down?

- How did you know?

- I must be psychic

- Your metabolism is incredible,

what's your diet like on Melmac?

- Fruits, vegetables,

free range kitten

Pretty strict, I used to be an underwear model

- So many questions I want to ask you,

about space, time, the universe

- I have a few questions for you

Questions about Nina

Her likes, her dislikes,

and would she like to be an underwear model?

- This is the most incredible place I have every seen, Dex

I could live here

- There's plenty of room

- What do you think of the joint, Rick?

You haven't said much

- Oh, obviously, it's pretty amazing,

I mean the computers, the communication hookup,

production facilities

I can't think of anything you don't have

- Napkins

You could use more napkins

- I'll put napkins on the shopping list

- You do your own shopping?

- Yeah, and the cooking

- Wow

- Wow

- Does that surprise you?

- No, I thought maybe Nina did it

- No, Nina doesn't cook

- She doesn't have to

And you never will

- You rang sir?

- No, but while you're here,

would you mind vacuuming my lap?

Nina needs a clean place to sit

- I'll return with the shop vac

Next time I'll remember to lay down a tarp

- That's the first robot I've seen with attitude

- Yeah, I modeled him after my ex-wife

- You designed Rocket yourself?

- Yeah, when I was at NASA

- Wow

He shops, he cooks, he builds robots

- Guess I'm quite a guy, huh?

- Yeah, speaking of NASA, what happened over there

that caused you to get drummed out?

- Dex wasn't drummed out

He resigned because the government

was suppressing information

that he thought should be made public

- Ah

- If I ever use that tone of voice with you, smack me

- Here's what happened

In 1978, two other NASA test pilots and I

spotted a UFO over Utah,

and I was the only one to publicly admit we'd seen anything

- The government denied everything and Dex was demoted,

but he could have been the next man on the moon

- The first guy was sure a bust

- Neil Armstrong?

- Yeah

He had about as much personality as sled tracks

And that one giant step thing,

I mean, who was his speechwriter?

Andy Rooney?

- No, I think Neil came up with that himself

- They should have left him on the moon

- Didn't I read something, somewhere,

about you being implicated in the lobo incident?

- The lobo incident was the biggest lie

the government ever made up about me

- Let's just drop it

Okay, Rick?

- Fine

- How do you feel about dating outside of your species?

- It wouldn't be the first time

- Isn't she delightful?

- If I recall correctly,

the government accused you

of being an informant or something, right?

- Rick!

- No no no, I didn't say it, they did

- You're being really discourteous to our host

- Yeah, after all he's provided us

- You're right

I apologize, I was out of line

- Look, my only purpose even in the beginning,

was to go public with the truth

Some people don't like that

- Wait a minute

Is that the plan?

You want to go public with ALF?

- Absolutely

Once people know ALF exists, he'll be safe

- And let's not forget the merchandising possibilities

- Do you really want to see ALF dolls

in all the toy stores?

- As long as they're plush

I don't render well in vinyl

- You're serious about exposing ALF to the public!

- Yeah

I'm expecting a call from Nigel Neville

- Nigel Neville?

From Global Television Network?

- He's an old friend of mine

- Of course

- I'm trying to get ALF booked on his show tomorrow night

It'll be broadcast worldwide from London

- Nigel Neville Live?

You really think that's the best way

to reveal ALF to the world?

- Rick has a point

I say we hold out for Baywatch

- If anybody's interested, I think it's a big risk

Getting on a plane, flying to London,

and putting ALF completely at the mercy of the media

- We're not taking ALF anywhere

We'll do the interview from here by satellite feed

I'd never put ALF in harm's way

- Now, don't you feel foolish?

We'll do London another time, Ducky

Psst, Rick?

Rick wake up

- ALF, what are you doing?

- I need to contact Murphy on the internet,

but I don't know how to work Dex's computer

- Why don't you get Dex to help you?

- Rick, I've never seen you like this

- There's something about the guy, I just don't like him

- No, I mean from this angle

I thought I had a lot of nose hair

Come on, come on, let's go

- Oh man

- All right, here's a list of the things

I want Murphy to send me

I promised Nina nylons

I hope she looks good in Air Force blue

- You really think you've got a chance with her?

- I do if I can get those nylons

Oh, give me the list, I forgot to add oysters

- What's Nina gonna do with oysters?

- They're not for her, they're for me

- Hey ALF,

what do you make of this?

Oh

- You boys having trouble sleeping?

- No, no, ALF just needed to use the computer

- Well I was just concerned,

because when the computer is turned on,

so are the security cameras,

and everything in this room gets videotaped

- Oh,

he just wanted to send something over the internet,

this list of items

- Maybe I can help

- Yeah Rick, get up

Let someone who knows what they're doing get in there

- If you need me I'll be in my room

- We won't need you

Now, about the last item on this list here

I think that we should specify strapless

- Melissa?

Melissa?

- Who is it?

- It's Rick

- Come in

- Oh, hi

Look, I'm sorry, I've been acting like a jealous idiot

- Apology accepted

Goodnight

- Yeah, but that doesn't change my mind about Dexter

In fact, I just saw something on his computer

that makes me even more suspicious

- Like what?

- I don't know,

a file called Operation Payback

It's a list of names, timetables,

numbers, big numbers

It has something to do with ALF

- Just wanted to make sure

everything was all right in here

- Rick was just saying goodnight

- That's a great idea, we've got a big day tomorrow,

a monumental day, we should all get some sleep

- Yeah

Goodnight

- Goodnight

- Goodnight, Rick

- I get the feeling Rick's a little apprehensive

about our plans for tomorrow

- He's okay

He just wants to make sure we're doing the right thing

- Do you think we're doing the right thing?

- Oh I do

I do

Aren't we?

- Telling the truth's always the right thing

I'll see you in the morning

Goodnight, Angel

- A few more curly fries from underneath the bed,

and I think we'll have it all, sir

- How long were they here?

- Six hours, sir

- Six hours?

- Burnt sienna

- Close,

we're very close gentlemen

Put that in the bag, Sergeant

Thank you

- You mean to tell me there's nothing on the videotape?

- He must have turned off the security camera

- And no one heard a car starting,

and somebody driving away?

- I'm afraid not, sir

- Hold a moment please

It's the London Times,

they want to know why Nigel Neville bumped

Nelson Mandela off the show tonight, to interview you

- Tell them to watch, and they'll find out

- Your scones sir, and clotted cream

- Oh right, rock of ages

Where's the cheddar cheese?

- I'll leave for Wisconsin, immediately

- Drive safely

- Good morning

You wanted to see me?

- Yeah Melissa, I do

- Yo Dex, let me tell her

Guess who flew the coop last night?

I'll give you a hint

Rick

- Rick's gone

- Bailed, took a powder,

vamoosed, splitsville, hasta la vista baby

- Where did he go?

- We thought you might know

- How would I know?

- Did he discuss it with you, or leave a note?

- No

I'm just as surprised as you are

- Okay

Find him

- Where do you think he went, ALF?

- Beats me

Pass the donuts

Lab administration

- Pete?

- Hey Rick, is that you?

- Thank God, you're in the office

- Hey man, where are you?

- I'm off base

Way off base

Anyway, I guess by now everybody knows what happened, huh?

- You mean like you guys going AWOL,

and abducting a military hostage?

Hey, there's some speculation

- I'll bet

Listen Pete,

I need a favor

- Well what do you need, Rick?

I want you to access the central data bank

Get me any information you can

on a military scandal called the lobo incident

- Lobo, huh?

That sounds familiar

Yeah, it happened around 1979, maybe '80

All right, I'm on it

Hey where do I get in touch with you?

You can't

I'll call you back

Okay well, give me an hour,

and I'll try to have something by then

- Thanks Pete, I appreciate it

- Hey Rick,

it's good talking to you

You take care, okay buddy?

- Yeah, you too, thanks

- Did you get that, Reese?

- Every word, sir

We're tracing the call right now

- Find him, son

For Mama

- 47-inch waist

- I'm going on a diet after the holidays

- 15-inch neck

- Look, I'll save you a lot of trouble

I'm the same suit size as Danny Devito,

and the same dress size as his wife

- The satellite uplink is online,

but we're still having trouble

with the phone line to Kuwait

- Keep me posted

- 42-inch sleeve

- What are you doing?

- I'm fitting ALF for his spacesuit

- I want to look authentic on the air

- You're the real thing, how much more authentic do we need?

- Dex is getting a little stagefright

We'll talk later

- Yeah

- You know Dex,

I've been thinking about being merchandised

We've gotta be careful

I don't want it to look like we sold out

- That's right, a '59 Caddy

- You know, like putting those Disney characters

on a diaper pail was an embarrassment,

probably the reason Katzenberg left

Good, now find the driver

- And I think we should draw the line

on extruded cheese products,

and anything gelatinous

Let's not follow in Bill Cosby's footsteps

- Fine, nothing gelatinous

- Hi, ALF, what are you doing on the table?

- I'd like to think of it more as a pedestal

- The lighting director says he's ready to talk to you

- Great, if you're not lit right,

the camera can add 20 pounds to your nose

We learned that from the Gerard Depardieu movies

- Dex, can I talk to you for a minute?

- I'll go help ALF

- What's on your mind?

- Rick, have we heard from him?

- No, not a thing

- I'm a little worried about him

After all we are, were,

in this together

- Sorry he let you down

- Last night when he came into my room,

he was really upset

He said that he saw something on your computer

I didn't really think much of it at the time,

but I just overheard a conversation between

two of your associates,

and they were talking about the same thing

What is Operation Payback?

- More coffee?

- No, no

- I'll take a cup of that java, ma'am

- Sir

- Captain

Guess you'd better make that to go, hon

Yes!

- I'm sorry it had to come down to this,

because I really do like you, you know

- I can't believe I led ALF into a trap

- Don't think of it as a trap,

think of it as an opportunity

I promise you ALF won't be hurt,

he's much too valuable for that

- I know, merchandising

- Melissa, you don't understand

ALF is the merchandise

- You're selling ALF?

- To the highest bidder

But only once I prove to the world

that extraterrestrial life exists

- You're never gonna get away with this,

the government will hound you until the day you die

- No, they can't, Angel

- Don't ever call me that

- Once I expose ALF, the government has no credibility,

and I think you deserve something for that

How about a million dollars

and safe passage out of the country?

- I hate you

- Think about it

Consider your options

Want to watch some TV?

I hear Nigel Neville has a pretty good show on tonight

- We will find the alien whether you cooperate or not

- Sure, it just might take a little longer if I don't

- We've got him in our sights

I've ground units covering a 600-mile radius

- Oh, you're assuming they're traveling by land

- What?

- Oh, nothing

I was just saying, if they're in private plane for example,

every hour that ticks by puts them

hundreds of miles further away

- You listen to me, you traitorous little twerp

You better come clean and quickly, too,

or I'm gonna kick your butt so hard,

your breath's gonna smell like shoe polish

- All right, I'll cooperate

I knew you were monitoring those phone calls into the base

I wanted you to find me

I'm ready to make a deal

- What kind of deal?

- I'll lead you to them,

if you promise not to harm ALF or Melissa

- Why would I agree to that?

- Because if you don't find them in the next 50 minutes,

it'll be too late

ALF will be revealed to the world,

and your entire career will be a sham

- That's enough Louie, I'm not Burt Reynolds

- Six minutes to air, Doctor Moyers

- The bidders standing by?

- All but the King of Yemen

He's still in morning prayers

- He'd better pray he's got enough money to bid

by the time it gets around to him

By the way, US dollars only,

no rubles, no yen, no francs, no drachmas,

and definitely no pesos

50 million dollar opening bid,

and increments of 10 million after that

Where's ALF?

- Green room

How do you feel, cutie?

- A tad nervous

I thought I'd open with a couple of toilet jokes,

to get the English audience on my side

Hey, hey, just walk away, Renee

I don't want to appear overly groomed

- You look adorable

- How you doin' champ?

- Oh oh

What do you think?

- Why does he have an ascot and a pipe?

- He asked for them, sir

- I work well with props

- You don't need props

Just go out there and be yourself

Get rid of these

- I'll mail them back to Hugh Hefner

- I thought I'd open with a joke, or two

No no, no jokes, ALF

- Here's one,

what's the difference between

a shower curtain and toilet paper?

- I don't know

- So you're the one!

Get it?

Then I thought I'd segue into some of the B material

- No jokes

- Gee Dex, I'm starting to see a big change in you

Are you getting enough sleep?

- Three minutes to air

- I'll bring you out right after the first commercial break

- Who's the sponsor?

- What different does it make?

- I just don't want to follow

some feminine hygiene product

- I gotta go

- You know, there must be a way

to work in some of these jokes,

without looking too obvious

- He said, no jokes ALF, and he means it

- Gee Nina, I'm starting to see a change in you, too

Hey Dex, do you hear me, buddy?

- Loud and clear, Nigel

- You want to give me some idea

of what we're talking about tonight

- You're gonna have to trust me on that one, Nige

I haven't let you down yet, have I?

- No, now wouldn't be a good time to start

Nelson Mandela is a little miffed

- I'll bet

- We're up on the bird, and the phone lines are open

- They'd better be, there's a lot at stake

- All right, we're going to remote everyone

In five, four, three, two, and

- Good evening

Tonight on Nigel Neville Live,

we'll be talking to Doctor Dexter Moyers,

America's leading authority on UFO's,

cult figure, best-selling author

He says that tonight we're in for a bit of a surprise,

so stay put, would you?

- I've been thinking

Maybe going on that English guy's TV program

isn't the right approach

I could make more money in a concert tour

- You're going on TV, and it's settled

You'll do fine, Sweetie, really

- I want to talk to Melissa

I could be making a bad career move

- ALF, now isn't really the time to talk to Melissa

She's, she's busy

- Dexter Moyers, there he is folks,

renegade test pilot, NASA scientist,

almost walked on the moon

How are you, buddy?

- I'm great, Nigel

- I have to use the little alien's room

- You can't

- I must

- ALF! No

- I must

- Get back here

- A lot of folks at NASA,

when the name Dexter Moyers is mentioned,

talk about sour grapes

You once reported sighting a UFO,

and your government not only denied it,

but made sure that you never reported another,

or so you say

What's the real story, Dex?

- The real story unfolds tonight, Nigel

It's the culmination of all my years

of believing the existence of extraterrestrial life

Tonight, the truth will be known,

and I'll be vindicated, because now there is living proof

- Whoa whoa whoa, hold it right there

Are you telling me that somewhere on the face of this Earth

there is an actual alien?

- There is an actual alien, Nigel,

and he's right here in this studio with me,

in a minute, you and millions of your viewers

are gonna meet him

- Oh come on, Dex

- He's from the planet, Melmac, and his name is ALF

- Well that's pretty serious stuff, Dex

And we'll be right back to check it out

In a minute folks, we'll find out whether it's a scoop,

or a hoax, so stand by to meet ALF

Stay put, won't you?

- Please come out for me now

Where's the room freshener?

- ALF come out, they are ready for you now

- Doctor Moyers

Doctor Moyers

- Where's ALF?

- He's locked himself in the bathroom

- What?

- He doesn't want to do the show

- Well get him out of there, knock down the door,

just bring it, go on

- ALF!

Come out, they're ready for you

I can't, my foot's stuck in the bidet

- Please?

- Get out of the way, open up ALF

Back off buddy, take a number

- They're on the air

- How's my hair?

- Sparse

- Get out

- Well, we're back folks with Dexter Moyers, and ALF

- Are you there, Dex?

- Right here, Nigel

- Well, we're all sitting on the edge of our chairs,

with our breath baited

We're ready to meet ALF

He's still locked in the john

- He doesn't seem to be here at the moment

- Now why doesn't that surprise me?

- I mean he's here, in the studio

He's just not here beside me

He's getting his nose powdered,

he's a little sensitive about how big it appears on TV,

you understand

- We've got to move things along, Dex

We've got the whole world watching

- I'm sure they're getting him right now

- Gosh, I don't know what's happened

We seem to have lost our satellite feed

- The show's over, Dexter

You've been canceled

All right Lieutenant, let's mop up this operation

And I want that alien unharmed

- Yes, sir

- ALF, open up

Hey hey hey

- Well folks, as I said before the commercial,

this was either a scoop, or a hoax,

and now I guess we know which one it was

We'll take another commercial break,

and when we come back, we'll talk

- Take your hands off me, airman

Let go of me

- Relax, these are the good times, Captain

Enjoy the fruits of your labor

- Rick?

- Melissa?

Hey go easy with her, I thought we had a deal?

- How about this for deal, Captain?

You and your associate get to be court marshaled,

plus, and I'm throwing this in as a bonus,

the alien will be dead by next week

That good enough for you?

- I knew you couldn't be trusted

The committee should know what it is

you've been planning all along

Yeah, what's that?

- This is the requisition form

for the poison serum you ordered to kill ALF

- What serum?

- Let me refresh your memory

Level three biohazardous material,

section 12-801, requested by you

- I didn't request anything, Captain

In fact, I think if you look closely,

you'll see Lieutenant Reese's signature

on that piece of paper, not mine

That's what Second Lieutenant's are for, to take the fall

Nevertheless,

let me file that for safekeeping

Oh my, oh dear, look at this

Oh what a shame

Well, it was a worthless piece of paper anyway

- Nice working with you, sir

- Sergeant

Take him away

He disgusts me

- All right fellas, once more from the top

A one, and a two, and a kick, kick

Now come on men, lighten up

It's me, your ex-bookie

- Welcome back

- Thanks

Forgive me, if I don't get up

- Well well well,

didn't you lead us on a merry little chase?

A delightful little chase indeed

- You don't seem to delighted

- Oh, but I am

In fact, I couldn't be happier

See, your escape attempt will prove

to be the final nail in your coffin

- What escape attempt?

I was kidnapped

- Oh please

We both know that Hill and Mullican

weren't acting on their own

You manipulated their minds, you clouded their thoughts

- I think you have me confused with the psychic hotline

- Now you listen to me, you furry little freak

When we exterminate you,

we're gonna be sending a message

to every other extraterrestrial out there

We will no longer be intimidated,

not me, not my mama, not anyone

- Your mama?

Did he say his mama?

Where did that come from?

- You drove my mama insane,

you and your kind

- I didn't even know your mama

I'm sure she was a great mama

- In 48 hours, the committee will reconvene

to determine your future,

or the lack of it, to be more precise

Project: ALF is about to be terminated,

not just the project, but the ALF

Arrivederci, baby

- Any chance of me getting a cappuccino?

Apparently not

- I can honestly say that I

really had my doubts about you, Colonel

- Oh really, why sir?

- Well, I always thought you had your own personal agenda

But obviously, the whole country

owes you a huge vote of confidence

- I thank you, General

Cheers

- Cheers

- Oh, speaking of votes

Would you happen to know when the New Hampshire primary is?

- March or April, I think

Why?

- Just curious

- Come in

- Permission to enter sir?

- What is it, Lieutenant?

- Before your committee reconvenes, General Stone,

I have a videotape that you may be interested in seeing

- Look, we've seen all the videotapes

on the alien we need to see, thank you

- ALF's not in this one, sir

You are

- What?

- Allow me

- This is the requisition form

for the poison serum you ordered to kill ALF with

- What serum?

- Well let me refresh your memory

Level three, biohazardous material,

section 12-801, requested by you

- I didn't request anything, Captain

In fact, if you look close,

you'll see Lieutenant Reese's signature

on that piece of paper, not mine

See, that's what Second Lieutenants are for,

to take the fall

But let me file that for safekeeping

- Permission to be excused sir?

- Permission granted

It is the further determination of this panel,

that an official apology be sent to all of you

- Suitable for framing, we hope

- Absolutely, ALF

- Good, I have the frames,

- As far as this committee is concerned

we will do everything possible

to guarantee the safety and comfort

of our ambassador from another galaxy, ALF

- This ambassador is pretty high-maintenance

- We know, we've seen the food bills

- Lastly we would like to thank

our fine young officers for a job well-done

To First Lieutenant, Harold Reese,

for bringing certain evidence to our attention,

and to Colonel Melissa Hill,

and Major Rick Mullican,

for their exceptional courage and dedication upon yourself,

our congratulations to all of you,

on your pending promotions

- Hear that?

I'm still your superior officer

- Permission to discuss it over dinner, Colonel?

- Permission granted

- The banquet you ordered sir

- I've taken the liberty of having my assistant, Rocket,

provide us with a little nosh

- What a mensh

- It's the least I could do to show my appreciation

Go ahead, Rocky Wagner, do your thing

- I'm in robot hell

Popcorn, peanuts, pretzels

- Help yourselves folks, they're only a dollar a bag

- Well then, if there is no further business,

this hearing is

- Wait, wait, let me do it

This hearing is impaired

Aha

Do you have a gavel truck?

Where did you get this?