Original subtitles

I Remember the Crows

I keep having insomnia.

I can't seem to solve this problem.

I've been having very little sleep, and my dreams are

always the same.

I'm always stranded somewhere and I can't get out.

And it bothers me, because I feel stuck,

I feel helpless.

I hate insomnia, it really bothers me.

I've tried all kinds of treatment,

phytotherapy, you name it.

Are you filming already?

Yes, we are.

It's dark in here.

Do I look okay?

- Mhm. You look beautiful. - That's good.

I'm glad you came over.

It's been a while since we arranged for you to come.

So, tell me, what do you want to know?

Tell me about yourself.

What can I tell you about myself?

Other than what you already know.

- Everything. - Everything?

- Okay.

But you know it's hard for me to talk about my childhood.

There are some things that usually freak people out, you know?

Okay, here we go...

I'd quit smoking before today.

Well...

I had a very long relationship,

which started when I was really young,

with an older man.

And it took me a long time to realize that it was not a typical relationship,

but a kind of... I mean, it was abuse.

I'm finding it hard to get into the subject.

I guess I'm feeling a little shy.

Who is this man?

At eight I was sure I was really a girl.

That was when I met my first man...

He was my great uncle,

my mother's father's brother.

We started a relationship and it was crazy for me, because...

my mother saw him as a hero,

a very important person to her.

A man of great character, a man above any suspicion.

She felt a true daughter's love for him.

And I thought that he had come into our lives to be a father figure,

because my father had left home,

so I thought... he would be a father to me.

And we started to bond

in this crazy way, because he was the only one

in my family who treated me as female.

Not in front of other people. Not in front of my mom, or anybody else.

But whenever we were alone he treated me like a girl.

And he dubbed me Priscila.

Then, for many years, I was Priscila.

It's so crazy...

And we started having a relationship. He gave me dresses,

he treated me as female,

he gave me expectations,

so that I could feel...

I don't know.

I'm really having a hard time

getting into the subject.

It seemed that he had it all very well thought out.

Everything he did was really thought through.

From the time he first approached me,

and then when we went out, when we went shopping for clothes...

He bought me many things, girl's clothes,

earrings, rings, things for me to wear just for him.

We had a trunk where all these things were kept hidden.

All that seemed normal to me.

I wasn't aware then, as I am now,

that I was being molested, abused.

That didn't exist for me.

It was a relationship between a man and a woman.

And I grew up in front of the television,

so you can imagine...

I would come home from school and immediately turn on the TV

to watch whatever was on.

And we live in a country where soap operas begin at 6pm and only end at 10pm.

And my mother, my brothers and I would watch them all.

It was all very natural to me.

I watched those

soapy love stories and I thought

I was like the female lead having a passionate affair with another character.

I didn't question

the fact that I was 8 and he was 55.

It was all good to me.

But then I think I grew up too fast

and then I was playing the role

of a teenager, an older woman...

But I also played with other kids, I had a normal kid's life.

And how did it end?

It ended because I grew up.

I became sexually unappealing.

It took me years to figure that out.

In my mind, it'd ended because I'd let him down somehow,

or because I hadn't become the beautiful woman

that he'd idealized.

That was a big issue for me,

because I spent most of my teenage thinking I was ugly,

and I carried that feeling into my adulthood.

So I've never felt like a beautiful woman,

because when he dumped me, the only thing that crossed my mind was

that I'd let him down, I mean... I hadn't grown into a beautiful woman,

a woman like the ones I saw on TV.

But it was good that it ended, because when it did,

a new world opened up to me, I mean...

Then I discovered cinema, the things I liked,

the things I still like.

- How old were you when it ended? - 14.

At 14 I was almost as tall as I am now.

I think...

I grew too much for his taste.

Or not... I don't know.

What I know is that

only when I went to therapy in my thirties

did I realize what that relationship really meant.

That it's a relationship of abuse.

Of... Pedophilia?

But I don't see myself as a victim, I see myself as...

Oh, I don't know how I see myself.

I understand that I was a victim of a pedophile,

but at the same time I can't victimize myself, you know?

Because he was an important person to me,

because he saw me like no one else had seen me.

I'm not justifying what he did. What he did is abominable.

This is a delicate matter.

Because anything I say

in order not to victimize myself will sound like I support this.

And I don't.

Do you get it?

I don't know if this story will be good for your film, Gustavo.

Why?

Because I think it's a sad story.

And I'm not telling it the same way I told you some years ago.

I'm messing it up,

I feel blocked.

I really don't seem to be able to tell you the story.

Then I think it could be bad for your film.

Because I understood that you want to make a film about me.

So, we could talk about more fun things.

But...

Don't you like sad films?

Actually, I do. I love sad films.

But this sad film is super sad.

It's a really sad film.

What sad films do you like?

Oh, so many...

There's one that my mother and I watch every year.

Once a year we watch it together.

It's “Terms of Endearment”, d'you know it?

With Shirley MacLaine. Every year we watch it,

we cry, because I think

my relationship with her is really like the one in the film.

Between Shirley MacLaine and Debra Winger, see?

What is the film about?

Oh, it's about an overprotective mother, with a rebellious daughter,

and the daughter marries a guy who is not that good a catch.

He's kind of a sleazeball and...

Well, I don't think he's really sleazy, he's unfaithful.

Then she finds out that she has cancer and she dies.

And my mother and I always bawl at this movie.

We like to cry together at this movie, it's bizarre.

We get all set,

we make popcorn, buy soft drinks...

We take a day off to watch it and cry.

Then I'm smoking

and she always turns to me and says,

“There, see, you're paving the way for that to happen”

She thinks I'm inviting this cancer to act out the film, you know?

Because, actually, my mother thinks my life is to act out films

Film scenes that are important to me.

She thinks that I live for...

films.

That in my life

I'm always acting out films that I see.

I guess that's more or less the way she sees me.

I was already in fifth, sixth grade

when a new maths teacher came to the school.

I'd never had a male teacher before.

He was really friendly,

and I was so physically attracted to him. So I fell in love and all that.

Then what had happened before happened again.

We began a secret affair.

In my mind, it was a love relationship, I over-romanticized the situation,

but to him, I was just a fuck. Someone he was fucking.

And once again I was daydreaming about something

that wasn't there.

I was jealous of him at school.

Of the way he related to other boys and girls.

I told a friend, who told the whole school, then one day

a group of students who were big fans of his

got together and beat the shit out of me. I was in bed for a month.

The story went around the whole school. Everybody wanted to know

what had really happened,

and, once again, I was tagged as a liar.

“Oh, she has an active imagination,

she's delusional,

she comes up with the most fantastic stories

and she actually believes in them”

Anyway, people have always called me crazypants.

Crazypants Trans.

Where did they beat you up?

At the school's front door.

I got really roughed up that day.

My face was swollen,

I had bruises all over my body. I was in real bad shape.

Every year after that

my mom enrolled me at some new school, and on my first day,

I'd break down crying.

I felt sick to my stomach, I had really intense

physical reactions.

I never got past the first day.

I went on the first day and didn't come back again.

That went on for years.

Every year I had a first day of class.

For five years.

Until she gave up. She said, “There's really no way for you to go to school

People will never accept you as you are...

Saying you're a woman without being one”

And that was that.

At that time

I didn't have much to do because I didn't have a school life,

and I was a teenager

who was really dependent on my mother.

Then I discovered cinema. I became a regular at video rental stores

and movie theaters.

And that was what saved me from madness, suicide,

depression, all kinds of bad things.

Because

films gave me

a refuge.

She never restricted me.

“You can't do that, that's a girl's thing”

I could always do everything.

So that was a problem for him, because he had...

He had set ideas about what children should be like.

He was very strict,

very introspective, a very difficult person.

And my mother didn't have that temperament, she was

more fun. She's not anymore, because she converted.

She's super religious now.

And she's not fun anymore.

But she was a really fun person in my childhood.

Do you have a picture of her?

I think I do.

Let me see if I can find it...

I could have set them aside for you, right? The photos...

But I actually left them here.

I found them!

I'm cut out of this picture, but I'm this little baby here.

Everybody says my mother looks definitely Japanese in this picture,

but she's just looking at me, so her eyes

are nearly shut.

There are a pictures of me with my brothers,

but I'm dressed as a boy, I don't like them.

But you want to see them?

I do. Don't you want to show them?

This one.

My brothers will kill me when they find out that I showed these pictures to you.

I'm this one right here.

- You're not dressed as a boy. - I totally am!

Look at this one, I'm totally a boy in it.

Look, I'm this one.

I'm like “Top Gun”.

In a US...

Air Force uniform.

Wow, would you believe that I don't recognize myself in these pictures?

I know it's me, but I can't see it.

Well, both my grandparents are from Ceará. They came to São Paulo in 69.

In 74, when my mother got married,

she was 27.

And to my grandfather's family, she was almost an old maid.

Almost too old to marry.

So when she met my father,

she found him interesting, different,

and she married him.

Not because she loved him, but he was a good catch.

“He's nice, he wants to marry me, he's in love”.

It's awful to say this.

I think my mother married my father because she thought he had money.

But he didn't. My father passed himself off as someone he was not.

You know that kind of person who lives above their station?

Someone who is upper middle class

from the doorstep out, but back home

is on the breadline?

She bought a pig in a poke, see?

She thought he was a good catch, but he wasn't.

It's awful to say this about my parents. But it's true.

I won't lie to you, Gustavo.

But she blames you for...

She blames me for everything, because I'm trans,

because I ended her marriage, which, actually, was doomed

from the start.

She blames me because her family walked out on her after I came out.

She blames me for...

You know what's making me a little tense?

I think you are too quiet.

You're too silent.

Too starchy...

This is making me a little nervous.

What's the meaning of the film?

Is it a comedy? A drama?

Are you leaning towards drama, do you want me to tell you sad stories?

Funny stories?

Tell the story about the video rental store you worked at.

All right, so, I started working at a video rental store

when I was 17.

It was a neighborhood store called

Radish Video.

It was fun because it was small but it had many great films.

I stole some.

I thought, “Nobody will ever rent them, people don't like this kind of film”

Bergman, Woody Allen.

People rented Eddie Murphy films,

American blockbusters.

So the films I read about in film magazines, which were considered art-house

and were never rented,

I took them home.

I remember I took

Bergman's “The Serpent's Egg”,

“Interiors”, which I love, by Woody Allen,

what else...

I took...

I took one that really shocked my mother.

Fassbinder's “Querelle”.

There was a rape scene with this big man...

It was hard to watch them at home,

because the VCR was in the living room, and my mother was usually home.

So, when the movie's theme was more daring, it was hard to watch.

But I guess it's the same with anybody that age, right? Teenage?

When we want to watch

a movie restricted for our age.

But did you try to watch them secretly?

No, I watched them with everybody.

It's only I was embarrassed because she was embarrassed.

Then, later,

maybe because she used to feel embarrassed about some of the films I watched,

I started feeling that way, too. I was recently

at a short-film festival...

Actually, you were there, too,

and a friend of ours was sitting beside me,

and there was a sex scene in one of the films

and I reacted very spontaneously.

I sounded just like my mother, “Oh my God, have mercy, how gruesome”.

I was horrified by that scene.

And our friend kept laughing by my side,

she was shocked by my reaction.

She said, “You're such a prude, Ju.”

Do you think I'm a prude?

No.

Well, sometimes I am one.

Haven't you ever made a sex video?

What a contradiction, right? I'm such a prude,

but I used to make porn films.

I was the actress, the director, the screenwriter, all of it.

I arranged to meet men at hotels. Here in São Paulo.

I brought a mini camera that I had,

a camera that filmed.

The guys got mad at me,

they said, “I came here to fuck, not to film”

And I said, “Hey, look, hold still right here,

do this, stand here now because I'm going to film”

I was practically directing the fuck

and after he came and then went away, I was super excited,

I went home and started editing.

I made thousands of videos. I had a blog where I posted all these videos,

with me in them.

But I think there's a reason for it there.

I think sex has a meaning there.

I have a few fetishes.

I was able to explore them with some men, while others refused to do it.

Because I went out with a lot of prudes, too. So for example,

I had a fetish of being stepped on.

Then men would say, “Oh, no, I won't step on you, I don't want to hurt you,

this is not cool,”

and I insisted, “Please, do it, I really want it,

it's just a little step, you won't crush me to death,

it's for the film”

They'd say, “It's not my thing,”

and their cock would go limp and they didn't want to fuck anymore.

There were other ones, too, but am I going to talk about my fetishes now?

Only if you want to.

Oh, I don't know if it's appropriate... here I go again!

I don't know if it's proper.

God, it's so hot in here.

What else can I tell you about my amateur porn actress phase?

And film director phase?

By the way, I could... Hey guys, this is Cloud, okay?

She's a lovebird that I got as a present.

She's super cute, but I still don't know how to deal with her.

We've had some spats.

Why?

Because she likes to walk on my body, and her claws

on me make me a little nervous,

a little tense.

But I've been told it's an amazing bird.

There's all that about love,

that's why it's called a lovebird.

She's Cloud.

I feel lonely here, so I think

she keeps me company

when I'm feeling down and depressed.

You've never seen it?

I've seen “The Birds”, but I remember the crows, mostly.

I think this little birdie,

I believe she's female, they told me she's female...

I don't know how to find out if she's female, but that's what they say.

I think it's what

Tippi Hedren buys

at the bird store, isn't it?

It could be a very old Japanese song, right,

one an old lady would listen to.

It could be.

Let's go.

Action!

So, I bought this kimono, do you think it's pretty?

I paid a fortune for it.

I'll have some tea, I've had too much to drink.

No more wine for me today.

I feel like I'm in one of Ozu's films,

like an old Japanese lady.

Do you want some tea?

I'll have some.

I didn't make it, okay? The crew made it, so if it tastes foul...

Arigato.

What else do you want to know?

Which Ozu's film are you in?

Oh, I don't know. There are so many. I love Ozu.

I like Ozu more than Kurosawa, more than Mizoguchi.

Why?

I don't know, I think the stories are more beautiful, more simple.

- I can't explain. - Like everyday life?

Yeah...

They're everyday life stories. About living life.

About simplicity. Ugh,

the tea is foul!

Sorry.

Anyway.

What about that friend from your childhood?

Dougletes?

That'll be Dougletes.

She introduced me to a madam, Claudia Camburão,

who was a real character, she was a mãe-de-Santo...

She wanted me

to fill out my body. Grow tits, hips, an ass

with industrial silicone.

The notorious “Barra Mil”.

I really wanted to do it,

my dream was to have

a curvaceous body.

But I was also afraid of going all into this

and losing touch with my mother and my family. Because my mother said,

“Do whatever you want

but don't change your body. If you become a transvestite

you won't be welcome in my home ever again”

I was really afraid of that happening.

I've always been very close to my family, so I was really scared.

I repressed myself a lot, I was afraid I would lose them.

So it didn't happen.

But I came close...

I'd made up my mind to have that transformation,

so I set a date to do it.

I paid for the industrial silicone

and when I got there,

there was a baby queen ahead of me. She must have been 14 or 15.

And when I saw Claudia with that pen-thick needle,

sucking up the silicone from a Coca-Cola bottle,

I thought, “I can't do this”

It was a dirty oil,

it looked like piss,

it was disgusting.

I was really scared,

but I wanted to watch the procedure.

The queen was all brave, “I'll get curves, I'll be gorgeous!

Fill out my ass!”

And when Claudia started shooting,

the queen had a fit, she was shaking all over. She passed out.

And Claudia didn't stop shooting.

Blood was trickling out,

silicone and blood, it was disgusting. And that...

hole in that ass.

I didn't get it,

I didn't like that.

I was criticized for not filling out my body

in my youth.

They'd tell me, “you're not a transvestite, you're not trans,

because you don't change your body, you have no

surgical intervention”

I never felt that strong urge,

what mattered most...

what mattered most to me was to develop my mind,

to study.

But I was self-taught differently...

I mean,

I didn't really study,

I was just watching film after film after film.

Until American cinema fucked up with my head and slap, bang,

here I am.

I remember I tried to prostitute myself.

I hit the streets,

I was wearing a very short mini skirt.

I don't usually do tucking, it's too painful.

I was wearing really tight panties,

I was so skinny,

so ridiculous.

What's tucking?

It's tucking your cock in so you'll hide it.

It's not cool.

Don't you know what tucking is, Gustavo?

Are you asking this only to embarrass me in public?

It's like making a pussy

but it's a weird pussy,

because you tuck it all back, stick it into a hole, I don't know which one exactly,

and you put on panties on top and feel like you're...

I've lost my words because you embarrassed me.

I just wanted everybody to understand what tucking is.

Come on, everybody knows what tucking is.

Then I stood at this spot,

and the first car stopped and the guy asked how big my cock was

and I started to laugh, I couldn't stop laughing.

Then he got really mad, he was offended,

and he started chasing me,

he wanted to beat me up.

And I ran like crazy,

I only stopped

after I'd reached the subway station.

I never did it again,

I wasn't cut out for that.

I wouldn't make it as a hooker,

I have this thing about sex that I can't separate...

I wouldn't be able to charge for sex.

I'm too silly, I fall in love.

I'd fall for the first guy who spoke softly to me, I'd say

“Don't pay me, let's date instead”

“Leave that be, I'm in love, let's date”, you know?

But tell me, how much did it cost to rent this?

- How much did it cost to rent this? - I don't know. Why?

Because I don't think....

I don't think it was cheap.

Did it look okay?

God, I'm glad I took it off, it was too hot.

Turn the light on here.

You know that I started smoking because of my father...

When I was 12,

my father sent this huge box from Japan.

There were all kinds of things in it,

chocolates, cigarettes,

Kodak films,

a Walkman.

Trifles that you can buy at dime stores in Japan.

And the Marlboro carton had a label

with my name on it. I don't know if he labeled it wrongly...

I kept the carton to myself,

because it had my name on it.

Then I started smoking. I'd get to school

and I was a sensation

because I had foreign cigarettes, because I smoked, because

I was a rebel.

This is too trashy.

You really want to humiliate me.

There was a night when I slept at a club because I was too drunk.

I woke up and I was locked in, all alone.

I had to wait for people to arrive the next night,

so I could get out.

I guess you could say that I partied for 2 days straight.

At 7pm people came to open the club.

They were startled, the club owner, the DJ,

some employees, the bartenders...

They were startled, “You haven't eaten anything?”

I drank a lot of Coca-Cola that day, that's all I remember.

Do you want me to tell about the time

I collapsed in the back room and woke up soaked in cum?

You just did.

It was awful.

Now I humiliated myself.

But it was fun, today is...

I don't know.

I think I've gotten old.

Maybe the night is the same

as when I was younger, only I'm older now.

You know, I bought these binoculars

to check out a boy who hangs out on the street.

I think he's a security guard.

He's not out on the street today.

What time is it?

I don't know, I've turned off my cell phone.

He's not really a boy, see? I don't like boys. I like older men.

He's a middle-aged man.

A night guard, I guess.

Have you ever spoken to him?

No, but we flirt.

Sometimes I'm feeling lonely, a little stressed, so I go downstairs

to smoke a cigarette, and we exchange looks.

Then I try to approach him, but I think he's a little afraid.

What is he like?

Oh, he's like a daddy bear.

I don't like beefcakes.

You might think that I like older men because of

my great-uncle.

Because the first man in my life was an older man.

I don't think so, though.

I think I've always liked older men.

Anyway, that's not that interesting.

No?

No.

Do you think people will want to know what kind of men I like?

Does that make any difference?

I felt a little self-conscious

when I went to check if the guy was out there.

Why?

I don't know.

I'm feeling a little... Strange.

Actually, I'm worried

if I'm fat.

To him?

To the camera!

I don't care about him.

Was it never an issue for you in the other films we've made?

My looks?

Never.

I'm afraid that this...

What?

Oh, I don't know, sometimes I think

I don't take enough care of myself. I could look prettier,

to make more films, to work with other directors.

I'd never thought I'd turn 40 working as an actress.

I was thinking about this the other day.

When I was 30, I thought my life

had come to a complete stop, and I'd only be...

Because up to my thirties I had nothing,

and now at 40 I'm an actress...

What was it like to act for the first time?

Oh, it was amazing.

What's more:

I acted in your film

and got a Best Supporting Actress award!

So much spotlight! My first film!

- Do you think you're a good actress? - No!

I think I have potential...

I was watching an interview with Katharine Hepburn...

I've told you, right, that my name is Julia Katharine

because of Katharine Hepburn?

I mean, she said that she was an awful actress,

then she became a great actress

doing... Just like me, she didn't have any formal training.

“Hey, look, I went to Drama School,

I did an amazing course”

She was learning

on the job.

And I'm beginning at 40,

then when I'm 80

I'll do “Driving Miss Daisy” and I'll get an Oscar.

Like Jessica Tandy.

I want to be an actress to get awards.

It's my goal, to get on a stage and make speeches.

It's what I want.

- Do you watch speeches? - I have insomnia.

I spend the whole night on YouTube watching all kinds of awards ceremonies,

Golden Globes, the Oscars, the Emmys,

I watch them all. Except ours, which I find a little...

Sad.

Is there any speech that you...

I like speeches where people cry.

Like Nicole Kidman crying when she got an Oscar,

Charlize Theron crying when she got an Oscar...

And she talked about her mother, she dedicated the Oscar to her mother,

who killed her husband.

Isn't that great?

It's like Mexican soaps.

I like all kinds of awards ceremonies.

It's ludicrous to say this, I think people will think

I'm foolish, superficial,

but to each their own.

I like awards,

I think they're great.

I like Vivien Leigh. Do you?

Why do you like her?

Because she did “A Streetcar Named Desire”,

because she was manic-depressive,

because she lost Laurence Olivier to Joan Plowright,

who was a heinous, hateful woman.

Because she suffered for love,

and I think she was stunning.

A misunderstood, mismanaged talent in film.

I was about to say something spiteful, but I won't.

Now, about suicide.

Since I was young it's always

crossed my mind, but I enjoy life so much

that every time I thought about it or tried to kill myself,

I didn't really want to die.

It was just a way to get some attention, I just wanted to show off.

Have you tried to kill yourself?

Sometimes, when I was younger.

But it was ludicrous, because

I slit my wrists this way, and you have to do it this way.

I was

all very dramatic,

I'd just cut myself and lay there...

Looking crazy and spaced out.

Waiting for my mother to open the bathroom door and find me.

And when she did, I put on a crazy face

to mortify her.

But it didn't work.

I always thought,

“This time my mom will be moved, she'll be worried about me,

she'll let me be the woman I've always wanted to be” No.

It went like,

“Damn, you've messed the bathroom up,

you're going to clean that up.

You're cutting yourself, do you really think that'll kill you?

Is that what you really think?

This is ludicrous, shame on you!

Tie that wrist up and get your act together”

I'd come back to my room, very quiet,

and I'd sleep it off.

Pathetic, right?

When I came back from Japan

I met a guy called Roberto.

I was super skinny, see?

I really felt like

filling out my body, getting an ass, tits.

And this guy started

to give me hormones,

But it was a lot of hormones.

5 boxes a week of birth control pills,

Perlutan, CPA.

I took

two shots

every other day.

Perlutan is an injection, see?

It's complicated because

the body retains fluid.

And he pressured me to have a hot body,

like a Playboy Bunny body.

But it didn't work.

I kept putting on weight without realizing it,

you know I eat

junk food all the time.

I turned out like this.

I think I've missed out on a lot of opportunities

because I've neglected my looks, my body.

You've told the whole story about Perlutan and the hormones but not about the outcome.

I turned out like this.

Oh, you want me to talk about the CVA that left me like this?

In 2010...

I started taking loads of hormones in 2008.

In 2010, I had a CVA. I was watching “House”, just imagine!

- The medical drama? - Yeah,

I loved it. I love “House”.

I have a ritual to watch

the series and films I like,

which is a lot of chips and soft drinks.

I was huge, I weighed 100 kg,

believe it or not, 100 kg in 2010.

Today I weigh 93kg.

That's all I'd eat.

Sodium overload.

Processed snacks,

carbs, that kind of thing.

I was watching “House” one night. I usually sit like this,

and I already have poor circulation because of the hormones.

I felt this massive headache,

I put an aspirin under my tongue

and my brother took me to the hospital.

When I got there, they diagnosed

a minor CVA.

So half my face was paralyzed for 6 months.

I had to do physical therapy.

I was like this,

do you know that soap character Dom Lázaro and the melon?

I was like the character.

I can't believe I'm telling this,

you're humiliating me in so many ways. I didn't want to tell this.

But I was like that soap character, asking for a melon.

That was what you wanted, so there it is.

It was awful for me, I didn't have sex or anybody for 6 months.

My boyfriend broke up with me, the one who gave me hormones.

Roberto.

So hormones didn't give me a boyfriend or a body,

but a crooked mouth

and a melon.

That's what you wanted. I've told it.

You love this story.

It was very important for me

to feel desired by a man

at the time.

So I was

an extremely sexual person,

I dealt with all my issues, my frustrations,

my follies by having sex.

But this ended up making me depressed, I couldn't feel...

I don't know how to explain.

But speaking of cinema, I can say that Lars Von Trier's “Nymphomaniac”

is a children's tale when you compare it to the things I did.

Lars Von Trier should have met me, he'd have made a better film.

But when...

my father died, I felt an urge

to get closer to him somehow,

and the way I found to do that was to go to Japan.

But I was worried about my transsexuality, so I asked at the agencies,

“Okay, if you give me a loan to pay for my trip to Japan,

will I have trouble finding a job?” Everybody said no.

“Don't worry, the Japanese are super cool, they don't have any prejudice”

But they didn't tell me that the Brazilians working there were prejudiced.

So I got to Japan and the first thing I heard in Tokyo's airport, in Narita, was,

“Damn, they sent me a transvestite, what am I supposed to do with a transvestite here?”

And I didn't have a penny in my pocket,

all I had was my passport, which had to stay with

that person who picked me up at the airport.

I didn't know what the fuck was going to happen.

So I endured all kinds of humiliation and embarrassing situations

for being transsexual.

They placed me in male jobs,

paying me women's wages. I couldn't adapt, I kept getting fired.

And when you don't have a job, you don't have a place to live,

because you live in the factory dormitories...

I kept swinging from place to place, I got to see most of Japan

because of work.

I left a plant,

there was no work in the area, I had to go to another region.

And so things went on,

I was traveling around Japan until

I got tired of it and

I surrendered to my fate.

Those were the 4 months when I lived in the streets in Japan.

I did all kinds of work, I scraped refrigerators.

The Brazilians tricked me,

they didn't tell me that I had to wear a mask

to sand refrigerators.

In my first week of work, I did it without wearing a mask.

After a while, I felt thirsty all the time, and my throat was dry.

Then I said, “I can't do this”, and I quit.

I felt short of breath the following days, so I went to the doctor

and I found out I had aluminum follicles in my lungs.

Just imagine,

I'll have that for the rest of my life.

But I had good things there.

I've told you, right, that I bought a Chanel perfume

because I love Nicole Kidman.

I already knew the story that Marilyn only wore

Chanel No.5 to bed, she was naked

with only a drop of Chanel No.5 on.

Then I got to Japan

and I was fascinated by the stores.

Things weren't cheap, but if you

saved up, you could buy things that

you couldn't buy here, even if you saved up for a long time,

working at a plant.

Then I saved up and

I bought a Chanel No.5. I wanted it because of

Marilyn and the commercial that was running on Japanese TV

with Nicole Kidman.

I bought it.

I kept this perfume as if

it were a gold nugget, a diamond.

This perfume was in my suitcase, it traveled all around Japan with me.

And when...

I lived in the streets,

I'd lose everything... I'd get rid of the extra weight in my backpack,

but I'd never get rid of the Chanel No.5 or the award I'd gotten.

I treasured them.

I got back to Brazil holding them.

I had a plastic bag

with the trophy and the Chanel No.5 in it, I cherished them.

But I kept the perfume for so long that when I

decided to wear it, it gave me a terrible rash.

It had expired.

I put it on and it burnt all my neck.

I had red welts from the perfume.

It was awful, I'd kept it for too long.

Without wearing it?

Without wearing it, because I thought,

“When in life am I going to have another chance to buy it? So I'll keep it”.

I had no idea this kind of thing also expired.

It's a silly story.

Japan was that,

an attempt to have

a better financial life

and to get to know my father.

Do you think the film exotifies you?

Oh, I don't know. You tell me.

I felt exotified at times.

Which ones?

The time I dressed up as a geisha, when I put on the kimono.

Only then?

The time we were talking about

my sexual life.

Do you think this shouldn't be...

It could be, but...

I don't think it's really... you know?

I don't think it's that important.

Do you think it's because you're trans?

Well, isn't it?

People are curious to know,

people like to...

I don't know.

It seems that trans women

and men, I wouldn't say trans men, because

I don't know them very well, I can't speak on their behalf.

I don't see people that interested in trans men's sexual lives.

But trans women are really

objectified,

there's always an object of interest,

this idea that sex

is always on our minds all the time,

like that's all we experience. Like we don't have other desires.

Like all we do is have sex.

Doesn't it look that way to you?

My mother finds it natural

for me to have a relationship with a trans man,

because, according to her church's minister,

If I'm a trans woman dating a trans man, it's perfect in the eyes of god.

Because it's a man, that being me,

in a relationship with a woman, that being the trans man.

Then it'd only be an inversion of social roles,

but it's still

a natural relationship because it's between a man and a woman.

That's insane.

And your screenplay,

do you have any expectations to film it?

I'm planning to film it now in 2018.

What is it called?

T for two.

- Did you write it yourself? - I did.

It's no masterpiece,

no Tennessee Williams, but it's a play, it's a text.

What is it about?

It's about a cis man

in his fifties who has a relationship with a trans woman for the first time,

and he has an ex-wife, and it's hard for him

to own up to this relationship because of his ex-wife, what she'll think,

to own up to this relationship because of his ex-wife, what she'll think,

how people around him will react.

What kind of film is it?

A romantic comedy.

Because I've decided that,

if I become a filmmaker in my life,

I'll always make romantic comedies.

I want to make up for all the lack of romance in my life through films.

I want to

live in films all

the amazing love stories I thought

I'd have one day.

It's crazy, but it's exactly what it is.

Cut.

What now?

That's all, guys.

I guess it's done.

Come here, I want to show you something.

That's all, it's done.

I want you to see the only good thing about having insomnia,

will you come here?

It's the only good thing about having insomnia.

Isn't it beautiful?

I'm the director now.

I'll direct the sun.

Action!