Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Battle stations!

(screams)

Well, a fine sailor you'd make.

Mr. Mooney!

Lieutenant Commander Mooney, USNR.

You joined the Navy?

No, no.

But I've been in the Reserve for years.

Oh!

Yes, I'm in this uniform because I report for duty today.

You mean you're leaving the bank?

Oh, don't get your hopes up.

No, I'm just going on a two-week's training cruise.

Oh.

But I shall return.

Oh, good.

Mm-hmm. Meanwhile, when I'm gone,

I want this office kept shipshape.

- You understand that, sailor?! - Yes, sir.

All right, then. Let's start

with a clean sweep-down fore and aft!

How's that?

Pick up the letters!

Oh!

May I remind you that you are using

my dress sword?!

Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.

I'm sorry.

You know, Mr. Mooney, you look very handsome

and very distinguished in that uniform.

- So manly. -Thank you.

What a change.

Hmm?

(mouthing): I mean...

I know what you mean.

My wife said the same thing.

Well, you do look very military.

What did you get that ribbon for?

Uh, that's the, uh, victory medal.

Oh, you know, you're so modest.

You never even told me you were in the war.

Mrs. Carmichael, there are some things

a man doesn't like to talk about.

Oh, I understand.

Don't you say another word.

But...

there were times when things got pretty rough out there.

They sent us to do a job, and we did it.

Fighting men and fighting ships!

Mm-hmm.

Ah, yes, I remember once on the sub...

- On the sub? - The submarine.

You were on a submarine?

Oh, yes, yes...

The, uh, SS... uh, uh, Porpoise.

Yes.

Once in the South Pacific, I had the con on the dog watch.

Suddenly, my sharp eyes caught a glimpse of the enemy fleet...

Did I panic?! No.

I sounded the alarm for a crash dive.

I gave the order for periscope depth and we closed for battle.

I zeroed in on an enemy ship.

"Fire one!"

I ordered calmly.

"Torpedo away!" came the answer.

A moment later, we heard her hit home!

We surfaced!

I rushed to the bridge, manned the machine gun

and began firing at the enemy aircraft.

(typewriter clattering)

Got him!

You got it?

Well! Boy!

Oh, are you going to command the same ship this time?

Command?

Oh, uh, well, you know how the Navy is.

Experience doesn't really count for anything.

No, I'm just going to be another fighting man

assigned to a dreary desk.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that Mr. Mooney.

That doesn't seem fair.

Well, that's the way it goes.

Well, I'd better get things squared away

around here before I shove off.

Yes, Mr. Cheever called and said to be sure and sign

the Wilson trust papers before you go.

They're very important.

Oh, yes. Well, you get them for me, please.

Yes, sir. They're right here in this safe.

Good.

Mr. Mooney, couldn't you apply for a transfer

to a fighting ship?

Well, uh, uh, that would take too much time.

LUCY: Oh.

But, if they need me, I'm ready.

I'm gonna run that desk like a taut ship.

There'll be no goldbricking in my office!

When I give an order, those sailors are going to hop to it!

And stand at attention

when you're being addressed by a superior officer!

Yes, sir!

All right, now get those papers!

- Yes, sir. -Fast!

There they are, sir.

- Mrs. Carmichael? - Yes, sir.

Where you raised in a barn?

No, sir, I was raised in Jamestown...

Then close that safe!

Oh, yes, sir.

You bent my sword.

I'm terribly sorry.

I'll fix it. Here.

Never mind!

You've done enough damage already!

I can straighten it out for you, Mr. Mooney.

- Morning, Ted. - Oh, hello, Bill.

BILL: You ready to go?

Well, just about. Yes, sir.

Just ab... Oh, this is my secretary, Mrs. Carmichael.

Mrs. Carmichael, Commander Moore.

- How do you do, sir? - How do you do, Mrs. Carmichael?

I just stopped by to take Ted down to the base.

Oh, how nice.

Did you get assigned to a dreary desk job, too?

No, not exactly.

Mrs. Carmichael, he is the commander of a submarine.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

Don't you think it's terrible what they did

to Mr. Mooney after all of his years of experience?

What's this?

Ne-ne-never mind, Mrs. Carmichael.

Now don't be modest.

Didn't he tell you what he did on his ship during the war?

Ship?

I thought you were the housing officer in Wichita.

Well, uh, yes, uh... for a while.

Just outside of Wichita. (stammers)

But he was also a real fighting man on a fighting ship!

- On a submarine. - (groans)

You never told me any of this, Ted.

I know! I know I didn't.

Commander, there are certain things

that a man doesn't like to talk about.

Well, a man with your experience

shouldn't be tied down to a desk.

That's what I say.

You keep out of this.

I-I may be able to pull some strings

and get you down in my submarine.

Down in a...? Oh!

Well, now, I wouldn't want to put you to any trouble.

I... Well, I mean to say, uh,

they may be shorthanded down at the housing office.

They may need me.

Oh, nonsense.

Any oddball can handle that job.

That's right, Mr. Mooney.

Let them get another oddball for that job.

You deserve to be on active service.

Now you go with the commander

and do what's best for the United States Navy.

I'll take care of everything here.

You already have.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, Ted, let's shove off

and get some water over our heads.

Bye, Mrs. Carmichael.

Bye, Commander. Nice knowing you.

- Thank you. - Good luck, sir.

Good-bye, Mr. Mooney.

I'll see you when I get back.

If I get back.

(phone rings)

Mr. Mooney's office.

Oh, yes, Mr. Cheever.

No, sir.

He's just left, sir.

The Wilson pa... The Wilson papers?

Uh, oh, yes.

Uh, yes, yes, sir,

I know how important they are, sir.

Yes, sir. You'll have them right away, sir.

Yes, sir.

He forgot to sign the papers!

I put 'em in here.

What's that combination?

32... 32 to the right...

SENTRY: Okay... Okay...

Halt!

Sorry, ma'am, nobody's allowed on the base without a pass.

But my boss is in there

and I have some very important papers that he has to sign.

Sorry, ma'am.

But if I don't get these papers to my boss,

I'll be in a lot of trouble.

I may even get fired.

Look, lady, if I let you in,

I may be fired... by a firing squad.

- Jones, William. -Okay.

Mister, please.

Look, I'm not a spy.

Cross my heart.

If I was a spy, I'd have on some sort of a disguise.

Maybe even dye my hair.

I mean a real crazy color.

Now, look, I've just gotta get these papers signed.

I'll only be in there for a few minutes, Captain.

Seaman, ma'am.

And not without a pass.

- Anthony, Larry. - Okay.

- Rush, Jerry. -Okay.

- James, Chuck. - Okay.

- Hokinut, Gerald. - Okay.

- Lamby, Alex. -Okay.

(deep voice): Club, Auto.

Okay.

Club, Auto.

Auto Club?!

Atten-hut!

As you were.

Well, Bill, that was mighty fine chow.

Thank you.

However, I hope your boat is in better shape than your coffee.

(laughs) Thank you. I hope so, sir.

Oh, may I present my executive officer, Commander Mooney.

Oh, how do you do, Commander?

Mooney hasn't been aboard the sub in some time.

Really? Part of the mothball Navy, huh?

Well, Commander, you should have been at luncheon with us.

We had some fried oysters...

We had some, uh, pork chops...

some banana cream pie.

But I imagine you're very anxious to get underway.

Aren't we underway yet?

Well, I hope not.

I have to get off first.

BILL: Yes. (chuckles)

Well, let's get on with the inspection.

Yes, sir. Mooney...

- Yes, sir. - Prepare to get underway.

Ye... Me?!

Uh, do you want me... Uh, ye-ye-yes, sir.

Aye, aye, uh, sir.

Well, you heard what the man said.

Prepare to get underway.

Uh, uh, do the...

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael, I owe this all to you.

I hope I never see you again.

Well, I-I didn't mean it quite like that; I mean...

Mr. Mooney.

What are you doing here?

You forgot to sign the Wilson trust papers.

I did... that's right. Yeah!

Yes. Mr. Cheever was very upset.

- Have you got a pen? - Yes, I have.

Come on. I'm fine.

All right. That's good.

- Mooney... - My, he was so upset...

- There, there... it's all there. - I gotta get them right back.

What?! What are you doing in that uniform?

I borrowed it to get through the gate.

If they catch you, they'll shoot you!

Oh, all right, I'll just tell them I'm your secretary

and you invited me aboard.

Oh, in that uniform... That's fine,

then they'll shoot both of us.

Get out of here! Now!

Hurry up! Come on! Go, go, go!

- Mr. Mooney... - Oh... what?

- Bon voyage. - Get out of here!

BILL: Atten-hut!

ADMIRAL: As you were.

Now, Bill...

I'm expecting a bigger showing from you this time.

Yes, sir.

Now, this is a very important training maneuver.

Yes, sir.

Anybody on this pig boat expects a promotion

in the next ten years, they'd better snap to.

- Yes, sir. Mooney! - MOONEY: Yes?

Heard that? Snap to!

- Yes, sir. - All right, men!

Snap to!

You, sailor... that means you!

- Snap to! - MR. MOONEY: Sir!

Snap to, sailor! Get busy, get busy, get busy!

(alarms ringing, clanging, whooping)

Secure from General Quarters.

This is the admiral!

Secure from General Quarters!

(alarms stop)

This is the admiral!

Secure from General Quarters!

Up scope.

Oh...

I'm going to keep my eye on this fish.

But Ad-Admiral, I can explain everything!

See, there was a malfunction and (stammering)... oh.

All right, Mooney.

Well, you heard what the admiral said.

He's going to be up there on his barge watching this whole show.

And he's got eyes like a hawk.

Yeah, but Commander...

I don't want any excuses! I want results!

Aye, aye, sir. Yes, sir.

Oh, this is all your fault.

Well, I didn't mean...

I don't want excuses, I want results!

Yes, sir.

Now, get out of here!

Get out! Get out! Hurry up!

(groaning, muttering)

Whew! Whew!

(Mr. Mooney groans)

I can't get it open.

(mocking Lucy): I can't get it open.

Well, I'll open it!!

I've got to get you off here before we shove off!

Yes, sir.

Heaven's sake!

I think we already shoved off.

Now I've got to hide you somewhere.

If they find you, I will be shot...

Shot?!

For smuggling a woman aboard!

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Yes, I'll be... not only shot but I'll lose my pension.

Oh, where will I hide?

I don't... Oh, here! In here!

Come through here, come on. Now hurry up.

Ouch! Watch your feet.

What?! Oh!

And your head.

(groans)

- Where'll I hide in here? - Well, I don't know.

MAN (on intercom): Commander Mooney,

report to the chart room.

- Chart room? - Where's that?

I don't know where it is.

Here! Over here, look!

Wonderful place to hide. Right in there.

- In there? - Yes, come on. Get in there.

- Grab something. - You sure?

Yes, that'll be fine.

That's good. Get in there.

That's fine. Good.

You won't forget me, will you?

Well, of course not.

LUCY: Mr. Mooney!

Now what?

What is this I'm hiding in, a garbage chute?

No, it's just a torpedo tube.

- Torpedo tube! - What?

Get me out of here! Get me out of here!

Well, now what...?

Please! Hah! Please!

For heaven's... be quiet... Now, look, get over here!

Get in the bunk, and pretend you're a sailor!

Is that a torpedo?

Yes, but don't pay any attention to it... come on.

What do you mean don't pay any attention...

Don't...

Get in there, please. Be quiet.

That's it. Get in there!

- Now, you stay. - I don't like it in here.

Shh!

We having trouble, sir?

Oh, uh, no, no.

Just one of our new men's a little shy of the torpedoes.

Oh... don't worry about a thing, mate.

Them are practice torpedoes.

They ain't even loaded.

(loud smack)

MAN (on intercom): Commander Mooney,

report to the chart room on the double.

Er, uh... Aye, aye, uh, sir.

Yes, uh... you, uh,

you be quiet and remain right there, sailor.

Well, I'm going to get me some sack time

while the getting is good.

Yes, sir, don't get a chance to get much sack time around here.

I'll tell you one thing, pally,

I sure can't wait till we get a leave.

That's the one thing I need, is a nice long leave.

I met a blondie the other night that is really gorgeous.

What do you think?

(wolf whistles)

That's right.

Stay in touch with me, pal, because the next time I see her,

I'll ask her if she's got a good-looking chick for you.

Would you like a date like that?

(wolf whistles)

Oh, boy.

Talking about good-looking chicks,

you should have seen the redhead I spotted

down at the gate this morning.

A real sharp chick, big blue eyes,

nice little nose, nice long legs...

Boy, a swinging chick.

Hey, how would you like a date with something like that?

(wolf whistles)

That's exactly the way I feel.

Hey, you know something?

(whistles quietly)

I like you.

You and I are gonna get along just great.

You're my kind of guy.

You know what you're talking about.

I found a way... oh!

Oh, sailor! Report to the radar officer.

- Me, sir? - Yeah.

I'm the cook!

Well, he's hungry!

Come on! On the double! On the double!

On you go. Go on. That's right.

Now take your gear and get out of here.

- Yes sir. - That's it. Hurry up...

- Hurry up, he's very hungry... - Aye, aye, sir.

Go, go... that's it. Go, go, go... that's fine.

I found a great place for you to hide. Come on.

- Where? - Never mind.

We'll just hurry before they take her down. Come on.

- Take her down? - Yes, we're going to dive.

Dive! Dive?

Yes, well, now, don't get panicked.

- I'm sca... I'm scared. - There's nothing to panic about.

- Don't be afraid! - I don't want to dive!

- (Klaxon sounding) - MAN (on intercom): Dive!

- Dive?! - MAN: Dive!

(Klaxon sounding)

Come right to zero seven three.

Right... zero seven three.

Remember, Mooney, the admiral's going to be

up there on his barge watching this whole show.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

All right, snap to it, you men!

Snap, uh, to it.

Look alive! Uh... there...

What are you doing here?

- I'm hungry. - Hungry!

- It's my lunch time. - I...

COMMANDER: Mooney! Have you checked the forward compartment?

Aye, aye, sir.

- Everything secure? - Aye, sir.

- All right. Keep your men busy. - Aye, aye, sir.

And that means you, sailor.

You keep busy, sailor. Do something!

Do something! Do something!

Not that! Not that.

- What'll I do? - What'll... Here.

Take this.

Pretend you know how to use it.

MAN (over intercom): Sonar contact,

bearing two three eight relative!

You know, Mooney.

This is the most important torpedo exercise of the year.

- We've got to make a good showing. - Yes sir.

MAN (on intercom): Sonar contact,

bearing zero nine seven relative.

Going pretty fast. Must be a destroyer.

Oh, yes.

Right... Two destroyers on the port beam.

Range: 2,500 yards.

SAILOR: Range 2,500 yards.

Bearing two two four.

SAILOR: Bearing two two four.

Destroyers closing.

There it is, Mooney!

- Our target ship! - (Mr. Mooney gasps)

BILL: This is what we've been waiting for.

- What are you doing there? - Mopping, sir.

Well, get mopping.

This is a torpedo exercise.

We're about to fire one.

Fire one?

SAILOR: Fire one!

(torpedo fires)

MAN (on intercom): Number one away!

(over intercom, torpedo burbles through water)

(burbling fades)

We fired one.

(explosion)

We hit something.

The admiral's barge!

Prepare to surface.

All ballast tanks.

Stop all engines.

Atten-hut!

Commander Moore.

Yes, sir.

Who gave the order to fire that torpedo?

Well, sir...

I did, sir.

Good show.

BILL: What's that?!

Your crew is more on the ball than I thought, sir.

- It is? - It certainly is.

Of all the members of the fleet, your boat was the only one

who saw that I was not flying the proper recognition signals,

and you took action.

Kind of drastic action, but action nevertheless.

I'm going to see that you get a citation,

and extra liberty for all hands.

Well, let's hear it for the admiral!

Hip, hip...

MEN: Hooray!

Hooray!

Hip, hip...

- MEN: Hooray! - Hooray!

MR. MOONEY: Hip, hip...

ALL: Hooray!

LUCY: Hooray!

Hip...

hip... hooray.

Hip, hip, hooray.