Original subtitles

♪ O come, all ye buttful... ♪

Merry Anal Day.

- And a Merry Anal Day to you, Mazola. - Grazie.

- And may the Lord bless your asshole. - And the assholes of all your family.

Ugh, this holiday is gross.

Hey, Anal Day is when Hormone Monsters celebrate the gifts of love, sharing,

and loving to share butt stuff.

Uh-oh! Caught beneath the cameltoe.

Watch out.

Ugh, I fucking hate jubilation. Why did I let you drag me here?

I thought it would be fun for you to see the old gang, have some schmeg-nog,

get away from all the Hitlers for a minute.

Emmy, Merry Anal Day.

Oh, and Rochelle.

You're, uh, looking well.

Whatever. I'm just here for the schmeg-nog.

Petey-Pete, I got you something.

Oh, you really didn't have to.

Label maker tape.

And it's PTH107B compatible!

- You like it? - It's perfect.

"PT-blooh-bleeh-bleeh compatible." I can't believe I fucked such a dork.

I don't find that hurtful at all.

Jesus, Rochelle. It's a party.

Can you dial back the Hate Worm just a little bit?

Nope. I can't, I won't, and I don't want to.

- Oh my God. - What?

Whatever you do, Rochelle, do not turn around, unless you wanna see...

Dante?

Oh God, she turned around.

- Dante? - That's right, everybody.

Your favorite scoundrel is back.

Son of a bitch.

Oh, shit. Drama!

Dante better hold on to his two dicks

because Rochelle's gonna rip another one off.

I'd like to introduce everyone

to the gorgeous souvenir I picked up in South America.

Here she is, the llama of my life, my fiancée, Daphne.

Daphne, hi.

Who let this asshole into the anus party?

Rochelle, I-I see you're angry,

and you have every right to be, after what he did.

Damn right! I... Hold up. He?

The old Dante.

I would love to apologize for what he did, but I don't even know that jerk anymore.

Yeah, Dante changed, from travel.

- Daphne, hi. - Ugh!

Anyway, I'm in a really good place right now...

...and I'm ready for us to be friends.

Friends?! Ah!

Oh no! The ass tree.

Rot in absolute shit, Dante. And you...

- Daphne. - Yes, Daphne.

- Hi. - Hi.

You are a pathetic fuck-donkey!

Rochelle!

I can't wait for this marriage to blow up in your stupid mule face!

- What? - Jesus!

What the fuck did she ever do to you?

- Shh, shh. Come here, baby. - She is an innocent llama.

Fuck that, Walter.

Nobody's innocent, okay? Everybody's a shithead.

She's a shithead. You're a shithead. Pete's a fucking dork.

- Okay. - You know what?

I should've never invited you.

No shit, shithead.

Rochelle, enough! Girl, you're ruining this party.

Oh, good. All my fucking favorites are here.

No one else is gonna say this to your face,

but your little "I hate the world" routine is gettin' real old.

Haven't I been clear that I don't give a shit what you think?

I don't fucking need you.

I don't need any of you. Now get your tacky tits out of my way.

Uh-oh, caught beneath the cameltoe!

That means our buttholes have to kiss.

Oh, honey.

Yes?

Never.

♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

- ♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪ - ♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ A-ha So good, so good, so fuckin' real ♪

- ♪ So good, so good, so fuckin' real ♪ - ♪ A-ha ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ It's like I'm powerful With a little bit of tender ♪

♪ An emotional, sexual bender ♪

♪ Mess me up, yeah But no one does it better ♪

♪ There's nothing better ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

Then Dante says, and I do quote this cunt...

"I'm ready for us to be friends."

- Nein! - I know.

And after all of that, who goes and takes his side?

- Hope. - Boo!

She's all, "Hate's so yucky. Everybody love everybody."

Hope is delusional.

"Everything is fun and nice. Let's dance to my big chest."

Idiota. This world is not fun, not nice.

No, it's ugly, so act accordingly, bitch.

Yes, smart girl.

And at the end of the day, that's what hate is all about.

Ugh, I'm just so glad you guys understand how toxic Hope is.

We should wipe her off the face of the planet.

Sorry. I know, that's kind of a go-to for me.

- Hmm, I don't mind that idea. - Yeah, me either.

Humans would be better off without Hope.

- Hell, without everyone except for us. - Yeah!

They keep us down here in the basement, but we should be running this place.

Hmm, interesting.

Alice time. Gotta go.

Hate strong out there, Hillhurst.

I always do, General Malice.

Hmm... Hillhurst is right. We should be running this place.

Ja. I'm sick of having less than total power.

But what are we gonna do about it, General Malice?

Oh, I tell you what we're going to do.

We're going to crash a little Anal Day party.

Let's go!

Oh, sweetheart, you're gonna love it.

It's sweet. You... Mm-mm!

- Sorry, pardon... - Oh! Uh... Uh... Oh.

- Hello. - Um, uh, hi.

So, what's... What's new with you, Pete?

Um, well, uh, let's see.

I, uh, bumped into your severed dick the other day.

Shh! Not in front of Daphne. Shh! Jesus!

She doesn't know I used to have three. To her, two is a lot.

Okay. Ending this conversation could be fun, I feel, so goodbye.

No, no, no, wait. You said you saw my favorite dick?

It's barely a story. He's just, like, undead now or whatever.

Just like a zombified penis who I battled to become his equal or something.

But I'm boring you. Let's both mingle, shall we?

Oh my God, my favorite donger is alive.

It's...

it's an Anal Day miracle.

Come on, honey. Loosen up in there.

Oh, Montel!

Aren't you gonna help Mommy stuff goodies into my ass

for me to crap out at the stroke of midnight?

I'm sorry, I-I just... I can't with Anal Day.

Yes, I quite agree.

Oh, do you? Do you "quite"? You crumpet fuck.

I do, my recent sexual conquests.

- Uck! - Get off me.

I disavow that threesome.

Even if I do find you fucking scrumptious.

- What? - Scrumptious, you say?

What? No, nothing. Is the ass tree on fire again? I'm gonna go check.

So, uh, do you want your own cookie or are we, uh, sharin'?

Sharin'? Sharon! God. Holy shit!

I forgot to buy Sharon an Anal Day gift. I'm such a nancy.

Nancy... Nancy!

- Damn it! I forgot to buy one for Nancy. - We're idiots, Joe.

And we can't go to a store this late on Anal Eve.

The crowds we'd endure.

You're right. Nancy's a fine wife, but not an "endure something" wife.

All right, I need a gift. I need a thing. Where are things? The supply closet!

Great idea. I'll get her a stapler. Maybe a box of binder clips.

If she wants a better gift, she can work.

Hey. Where the hell are you going?

- To talk to Sal's class. - You're going to Sal's class?

Uh-uh!

- Alice, we said... - Fuck everybody, I know.

But Sal's teacher said he's being bullied.

Who cares? Fuck everybody means fuck everybody.

But this is Sal, the cute motherfucker.

Sure, he's cute.

But you've been helping people your whole life,

and nothing has changed.

Because the world is garbage, and it doesn't give a shit about anybody.

Yeah, I guess I do kind of agree with that.

I know you do. So, fuck everyone, including Sal. Right?

- Right. - Alice, I'm gonna need to hear you say it.

- But, uh, he's four. - Alice...

Okay, okay, fine.

- Fuck Sal. - That's my girl.

♪ We three twinks... ♪

Smile. And don't forget to breathe through your balls.

Afternoon, General Malice.

Ciao, Peg. My friend and I are going up to the Poopy Day festivities.

I'm sorry, sir, it says here you're... Oh!

- Dead? Oh, no, no, no. - Ahh!

Turns out Anthony Piñata doesn't need a head to live

or to pop.

So we'll just head in. Get it?

Did I stump you?

I'm having fun.

Are you having fun, Anthony?

It's go time.

On your knees. Hate is in charge now.

- Hands where we can see 'em. - No funny business.

We're doing a Die Hard. You guys know the deal. Scream.

Ah!

Up to the bullpen. Go!

No, not the sack!

Ugh, uh, my phone is in my breast pocket, you brute. I have no weapons.

That's just label maker tape. My label maker needs it.

How dare you, on this sacred day?

This? This is an affront to all Judeo-Rectal faiths.

Silence! I will kill you all if I hear one more complaining or belly-ouching.

- What do you Haters even want from us? - Hate! Hate! Hate!

New Jersey's about to become Hater Nation.

Of course. They wanna keep us away from humans.

That's right. No love, no logic.

Just pure hate on Earth.

The bad guys, Joe. They have no idea we're in here.

I guess they just forgot to check the supply closet.

You know what this means, don't you, Joe? We're the Bruce Willises.

The-the-the Bruce Willi.

Of course. The writers let us escape the takeover...

So that we could save the day.

Action heroes! Wow!

Okay. We just, uh, hop up into the air vent, yeah?

Yeah, that's what we do, and crawl around.

Now, hoist my caboose,

and don't be afraid to get your thumb involved.

'Tis the season. Okay, come on here.

You struck brown.

Rochelle!

- Holy shit. - Welcome back.

- Is that Peg? - Ja, well, that's the bottom part of Peg.

We did it, Fräulein.

Did what?

Oh God. What the fuck?

Can you believe it, Hillhurst? We run this place now.

Thank God. Rochelle, help us!

Why would she help you?

This was all her delicious, despicable idea.

- What? No! - Rochelle!

Usually, I am all for office drama,

but, girl, this is terrorism.

- You actually did it. - We did it.

Humans are finally getting the hate they deserve.

What the fuck...

Glorious, isn't it? They're fighting over the dumbest shit.

Look how many stupid cantaloupe there are,

and they still knife each other.

Oh, shit. Sal.

- Fuck Sal. It is exactly what you wanted. - I guess it is.

And HR Tri-State is only Phase One.

Let me guess, Phase Two is the world?

Yes. You see, you know me. You know I don't like a lot of phases.

Oh, I almost forgot. I got you a present for tushy Christmas.

Let's move, toots.

- Get your hands off of me! - Hope?

Once we get rid of Hope, hate will be unstoppable.

I thought you should do the gun violence.

- Me? - Of course. You hate her most of all.

- That's true. - Arrivederci her ass for good.

Yeah, she deserves it.

Honey, you don't wanna do this.

Shut up, Hope. Of course she does.

Hillhurst, now.

Rochelle, no!

What is she gonna do?

Rochelle, this is not who you are.

Shut up.

- What are you doing? You fucking snake! - Run!

- Get them! - Not so fast!

Just shoot everywhere!

Oh, shit. My shoulder!

I just did a slow-motion shoot and dive.

Oh, man. Am I the Bruce Willis?

Find the snake. Find them both.

Holy shit, she saved Hope.

I knew the old Rochelle was still in there.

Hey, Pete, isn't that...

- My friend! - My dick!

- Sorry, that's, um, your... - Not now, Daph.

Hey, buddy. You wanna come and untie your daddy?

Hey, wh-wh-wh-where you going, guy?

No, no, come here. Come to Papa.

It's okay. Go to who you love most.

Yes, the one you love the most.

- What? - Me? Really?

Oh, this is sweet.

Oh, this is bullshit.

Um, excuse me, guards? This, uh, this is bullshit. Um...

- Look. The Rock's trying to escape. - What the fuck, Dante?

- Shut your traitorous Linda Tripp trap. - You there!

- Don't hurt him! - Freeze!

Maybe I'm the Bruce Willis!

Oh, a tattletale, I see.

So, what? Are you on my side, Mr. Snitch?

On your... your... your side. Yes.

Yes, I think you and I could do great things together, General.

Just set me free, hand me a gun, and... I'm yours, baby.

Wow, you do seem like a hateful piece of shit.

Just not the kind I like.

Anthony, I don't like this one.

Look, that puffy thing's hugging Dante.

Or giving him a chiropractic adjustment?

Hey, that's too hard. That's a bad chiropractor.

Oh God!

They've killed off fucking Hugh Jackman!

If he can die, any of us could.

Now, look, I know you guys don't like Lionel,

and there's some weird sexual baggage...

- There's no baggage. - So much baggage.

Regardless, we've gotta work together if we're gonna get out of here.

- Agreed. - Aww! That's the Anal Day spirit!

Wait, guys, I have so much stuff stuck up my ass right now.

There's gotta be something we can use as a weapon.

Oh, good. Connie, you're already up there.

- Uh, that's not Connie. - Oh!

I hate how much I love it.

Fuck, fuck, fuck! I'm so stupid. Why did I shoot at them?

- Because you're a good bug. - I'm not good and I'm not a bug.

- Hey, they're on this floor. - Get those doors open.

- Oh, shit. - The-the-the hatch! It's the only way.

Fuck, I really am the Bruce Willis.

Ugh, all this duct crawling is so tough on the knees.

I hope we get an action sequence.

Holy shit. We killed a henchman!

Absolute Bruces.

And he has a walkie and a gun.

Oh, yeah. You know what to do, baby.

"I have a machine gun now. Ho ho ho."

Who the fuck sent this?

And why is the gun still on his lap?

- Wait, where's the gun? - I thought you had it.

- I was busy writing on the shirt! - Shoot.

Well, honest mistake.

We're still Bruce, and Bruce is undeterred.

That's right!

And, if I remember the movie correctly, impervious to glass.

- Oh, shit! I'm pervious! - You need my help?

- Okay. All right. - I'm very pervious.

There should be hedge clippers next to the big bag of M&M's.

I-I can't reach 'em. I'm tryin'.

A little to the left...

- Cool, so you got the hockey stick? - I did.

Now, observe as I use my feminine Noah Wyles to lure a guard.

Oh, guard.

I have to pee-pee.

Fine, but no period stuff in there or I'll puke.

- Die, shitworm, die! - Give me that!

- Ow! Shit. - No!

Ooh, Connie is not the Bruce Willis.

- They're gonna get us. - We are going to get them.

- We're so fucked. - They're completely fucked.

No, we're not.

We're gonna get out of here and we're gonna beat those Haters.

Will you stop with the hopeful bullshit?

Come on.

- Oh, shit! They're coming. - Look! We can jump across.

What? No, we can't.

You're shot and bleeding, and I have zero legs.

I'm telling you, we can do it, Rochelle.

How the fuck can you be so sure?

I'm not, but I know that if we don't try, we're gonna die anyway.

Here you go. Some bombs for you guys.

Fuck. Okay.

- We got this. - Maybe.

Come on!

Hope! Hold on.

- Honey, I can't. - You have to.

I'm slipping.

- Hope! - Rochelle!

No!

- Hold still, bud. - No, it's gonna hurt.

No, no, no, it's just a tiny piece of glass.

- I don't like it. I don't like you! - I prom... It's gonna go...

Hey! No biting!

- I got it. - You were right. Didn't hurt.

Hope's gone.

She's really... really gone.

Anthony Piñata.

Whoa! Whoa!

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Well, well, well. Trying to escape, huh?

This displeases me,

but also excites me

because now we get to do punishment.

You, step forward.

- Oh God! - No!

They're just a child.

- Oh. - Oh, thank goodness.

- Oh. Wait, what? - Nothing to be scared of.

You just have to kill one of your amici.

Or else, you'll all die.

Uh, what?

- Uh, no, please. - Have fun!

I'm gonna grab some popcorn and watch.

Oh God, this is so fucked up.

It is, but also...

- I feel safe. - No, of course.

I'm not gonna shoot you.

Oh, great. Parents are safe.

- Well... - What do you mean, "well"?

I can't just kill my idol, Dad.

- What? - Oh, goody.

Honey, please. You can't shoot the daddy who birthed you from his bung-hole.

I don't know what to do!

Monty, you listen to your father and murder your mentor right this minute.

Fine, but Lionel deserves a chance to speak.

Lionel, is there anything you'd like to say

about why you should, um, you know, exist?

Uh, me? Oh, uh, why... Why should I exist?

Well, well, if I perished, my mummy would be so distraught.

Oh, honey, no she wouldn't.

Yeah, no, I know. I guess I'm going to die then?

Allora, what else is on?

Fuck you, you headless maniac.

- Oh my God. Is that... - Rochelle?

I give up. There's no Hope. There's no point.

Just pop me already, Anthony Piñata.

Whoa!

- Oh God, no! - Oh!

She's getting popped!

Awww, they are so sad. How tasty.

Please, tell Anthony Piñata to stop.

Why, because you love her? That's silly.

- She hates all of you. - She doesn't hate us.

Yeah, she's just been really mean to us lately, especially Pete.

But that's only because they boned and it's complicated.

Boned is sex.

- Oh, did they? - She doesn't need all this backstory.

I know Rochelle loves us. She's just in pain.

Oh, yes, she's about to be.

Come on, Anthony.

Just do it already.

Don't you fucking dare give up!

Hope!

- Yes! - Wait, what's going on?

- I think Rochelle's okay. - No!

But you fell.

Yeah, but I had a little help.

From me, the Zombie Dick!

Rochelle!

Hey, gorgeous! Over here!

Get hard, baby!

Get harder than you've ever been before!

- That was harder than I've ever been! - Oh, honey, I'm flattered.

Oh, shit.

Look!

I'll handle this, Sweet Tits!

This has been a weird Anal Day.

- Rochelle? - I thought you were dead.

- What? - I was ready to give up

- and let him pop me. - Honey, it's okay.

No, it's not okay. Nothing is okay.

I made sweet Alice choose hate. I let down Sal.

People are stabbing each other over cantaloupes.

And now, all my friends are gonna die.

And it's all my fault.

But it's not over yet, Rochelle. You can still make things better.

Just stop! You always say that. But how can I trust you?

Well, what's the alternative, baby?

Despair? Hate? How's that working out for you?

Terrible.

I hate being hateful.

You don't have to be. I know you, and I know you can fix this.

- You really believe that, don't you? - Always have, always will.

- I love you, Ro-Ro. - I love you too.

I tried real hard not to, but I can't help it. I do.

- Oh! - Ooh!

Here she comes! I see arms.

- And some wings too. - I'm back, baby!

Sorry to interrupt this touching moment, ladies,

but seeing that you're still alive, I need you to come turn yourself in,

or else the bitch gets it.

- The bitch? - Uh, hi, Rochelle.

It would seem that I'm the bitch.

Oh, you love your little sex friend, huh?

Prove it! On the rooftop. Ten minutes.

- Oh God. - Uh-uh!

We're not giving up yet, honey. You still got Hope...

and tape.

PTH1-bleep-bloop compatible.

Let's go, kid. Time to kill the wizard.

O-Okay. Okay. Ready, Lionel?

It's been a great shame knowing you, young Montel.

- Aww. - Bye, Lionel.

- See you. - Uh, safe travels?

- Ew! - Mm.

- Why? - Sick fuck.

Ugh, Jesus Christ, what are you doing?

I don't know. What? I've never been a martyr before.

Just... Ugh, just stand over there.

All right, all right.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'd really like to be done with this.

I know. I just need to say something before he fucking croaks.

- Okay, Lionel, the threesome happened. - Maury!

- And it was the best sex of my life. - Okay, yeah. I liked it too.

Oh-ho-ho, you guys!

And even the gun thing was pretty hot to me.

So that's it. Go die now or whatever.

All right, I'm ready for my murder.

Not so fast!

Bruce!

- Drop the weapon. - Yeah, sure, whatever. I'm just a temp.

Freeze right there!

Looks like y'all are outgunned, so you might wanna outrun.

Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!

I'm alive!

And you want to kiss me.

You were only supposed to know that if you were dead.

- Well, we got all the bad guys. - Yeah, we did.

We definitely saved the day. The episode ends here.

You wanna suck on the pistola while we wait?

Ew! No.

What psycho would do that with a gun?

General Malice, behind you!

I've missed these wings. They really are very handy.

Ah, you could have been a great worm, Hillhurst,

but now, just a dead bug.

Bring it on, you hateful motherfucker.

Oh, damn. Well brought.

Drop the weapon.

Rochelle, don't.

You got me, Malice. Now let Pete go.

Uh-uh-uh!

Where is your busty friend?

Right here. Just don't hurt him.

Oh, oh, oh. "Don't hurt him." Bo-bo-bo.

Weepy, weepy, weepy. Finish them!

No!

- Oh, shit. - We're too late!

Wait. Where is your titty?

Oh, you mean this?

Titty bomb!

Pete!

- Jesus, he's heavy. - I can't hold on.

The pants! Lose the pants.

Ah, no! Not the pants.

So, as I do this, I should clarify,

I do love you, Pete, but just platonically.

Yeah, great. Just take off my fucking pants!

- Hell yeah! - We did it!

Bye, Malice.

I love you guys. I'm so sorry.

- We love you too. - We're just glad you're back.

You look much better as a bug.

- I'm glad you're back too. - Thanks, Petey-Pete.

Platonic? Girl, you fucking up.

Hey, Alice, what you doing?

Nothing. Nothing's worth doing.

Yeah, I know I told you that, but I was wrong.

Whoa, Rochelle, you're...

A big, beautiful bug again.

And I'm sorry I made you so hateful. That's not who you are.

You are a bad bitch who helps people.

No, you were right. The world is shit.

Everything is hopeless.

Yeah, about that.

I know how scary it is when Hope disappears.

It's fucking awful.

But hate can't protect you.

It just makes you angrier and angrier until you finally just wanna...

- Give up. - Yeah, but don't you fucking dare, okay?

Because Alice Wong has too damn much to do,

and too much love to give.

You're right.

- I am a bad bitch. - Hell yeah!

I'm gonna take care of myself and my community.

Now, that's my girl.

This shitty world is lucky to have you, Alice,

and I'm damn proud to be your Lovebug.

♪ Well, there's an ounce of good In every crazy human condition ♪

♪ Even grief will have your back When push comes to shove ♪

♪ And though I know them all quite well I must make a confession ♪

♪ If I had to pick just one Baby, I'd choose love ♪

♪ Well, it makes no sense When analyzed on paper ♪

♪ And it's a wild and dangerous Clusterfuck of stress ♪

♪ It gives you stupid rosy glasses When you could be kickin' asses ♪

♪ But without love Life's one big pointless mess ♪

♪ I choose love, yes, love ♪

♪ It puts the passion in your boning ♪

♪ Give me love, sweet love ♪

♪ And it will supercharge your chub ♪

♪ I've known joy and laughter I've known rage and pain ♪

♪ I've made up my mind Baby, I choose love ♪

♪ Ooh, give me that love ♪

♪ Well, it's more yummy Than a shitfaced 2:00 a.m. burrito ♪

♪ So much better ♪

♪ Oh, it's more powerful Than a sexy slap in the face ♪

♪ So sweet and strong ♪

♪ It's not half as fun as shame But kind of awesome, all the same ♪

♪ And I'd sell my soul For just one tiny taste ♪

♪ I choose love, sweet love ♪

♪ Yes, it's the magic It's the power ♪

♪ No more anger, no more hate I've had enough ♪

♪ We've all had enough ♪

♪ No excuse and no disclaimer ♪

♪ It's a fucking no-brainer ♪

♪ I've made up my mind Baby, I choose love ♪

♪ I've made my choice ♪

- ♪ Baby, I choose love ♪ - ♪ Sweet love ♪

- ♪ Oh, baby, choose love ♪ - ♪ Sweet love ♪

- ♪ All you need is love ♪ - ♪ Sweet love ♪

♪ Oh, baby, choose love ♪

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